I Was In Jail For 10 Years And Lost Touch With My Partner r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:18] Now today's first story is from a throwaway account from the Relationship Advice subreddit. And it says, I, 35 male, was incarcerated and lost touch with 33 female. It's been over 10 years. Would it be wrong to contact her now? Sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language. When I was a university student, I fell in love with Daria. Not a real name, obviously.

[00:00:46] She was the little sister of my best friend, so I considered her off limits. But my crush on her persisted and grew. She's one of those beautiful, brilliant people who is alive and breathing to make the world a better place. How could I not be drawn to that? One day she told me she had feelings for me. And to my relief, my best friend didn't have a problem with me dating his sister either. So for two wonderful years, Daria was my girlfriend.

[00:01:15] I should have asked her to marry me. I don't know why I didn't. I suppose I thought I had all the time in the world. We were young and there was no need to rush things. We lived in a country that isn't exactly democratic and we were political activists. I ended up getting arrested and going to prison for nine years. Please don't think I'm some kind of monster for this. I don't want to go into detail in case it makes me identifiable somehow. But we didn't hurt anyone or do anything immoral.

[00:01:42] What we did is not even illegal in the country where I currently live and our beliefs were far from extremist. I haven't seen or spoken to Daria since the day I got arrested. My best friend died shortly after and Daria left the country, partly due to the possibility that she'd be arrested too. There wasn't any way for her to contact me while I was in prison, though apparently she contacted my dad a few times in the beginning.

[00:02:08] Things got even worse in our country while I was incarcerated, so my dad and I immigrated when I was released. We've been living in Western Europe ever since and life is pretty okay. I live with my dad and have a steady job. And have a steady, if shitty, job. Months ago, I found Daria online. She lives in a neighboring country, seven hours away by rail. She doesn't use social media too much, but from what I've seen, there's no evidence of her partner or kids.

[00:02:37] And even if she's married, I'd be content just to be her friend. As I was for the first years we knew each other. Part of me desperately wants to reach out to her, and my dad has been encouraging me to do so. But I feel like it'd be too selfish. The circumstances of her brother's death were very traumatic for her, and I'm afraid that I'm just a living reminder of all the bad things that happened to us. And if she does have a partner, would my contact in her offend him or trouble their relationship? I don't want to cause her any more sadness.

[00:03:07] Time stood still for me while I was in prison, but I know it didn't for her or anyone else. She's done so well for herself. She's built a whole life. And I don't want to derail that life just because I feel entitled to a place in it. She might not even remember me at all. And even if she did invite me back into her life, I'd be nothing but a burden now. Owing to my wrecked mental health. We've been apart twice as long as I knew her. Have I even the right to miss her as much as I do?

[00:03:36] For now, I've contacted myself with googling her name every so often and seeing that she's okay. It just hurts a lot, and I don't know how to make it not hurt. I still love her with everything I have. I probably always will. Should I reach out to her or leave her alone? If I do contact her, what should I even say? Now, a lot of the comments on this particular post were talking about the update. So I won't cover those comments at the moment.

[00:04:04] But my first thoughts was like just get in contact and send her a link to this post. You know, you're not trying to force a meet. You're not trying to force a friendship. You just want to let her know that you're around. And then she has the option to get in contact with you. You sound like a lovely, compassionate person. And who doesn't want someone like that in their lives? But the update comes in and says the short version is that I was wondering whether I should try to contact my former girlfriend after I went to prison for a long time. The consensus was that I should.

[00:04:33] And people gave very good advice on how to do that. First, I want to say thank you to everyone who offered advice or kind words. I'd spent so long feeling ashamed about my situation and expecting most people to react very negatively if they knew. I'd barely discussed it with anyone before, except my dad and people whose job it is to help me. Lawyers, therapists, etc. And I was very surprised to be met with so much compassion from a bunch of complete strangers. Thank you, truly.

[00:05:01] Several people asked for an update. And that's the least I can do in return. I sent Daria a message the evening after I made my post. It was something like, I don't mean to intrude, but I wanted to say hello. I thought I would give you my new contact information in case you ever felt like getting in touch. If not, that's completely fine too. I left her my mobile number and email address, wished her well, and that was that.

[00:05:26] I knew it might be a while before she responded, if she responded at all, so I tried to put it out of my mind. Early Monday morning, my phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number from the country where Daria lives. Who else would ever be calling me from there? I panicked a little bit, but I managed to answer in time. She asked a few times if it was really me. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. At first, she called me by the very affectionate version of my name she used to.

[00:05:56] But then she quickly apologized and corrected herself, which broke my heart a little bit. It was an awkward phone call, but not in a bad way. I was extremely nervous, and it seemed like she was too. But happy also. Some of you mentioned that Daria would want to know that I was safe. And this was more true than I could have guessed, because unrest in my country increased a lot during the year I was in prison. She was afraid that they would decide to quietly kill me rather than let me go.

[00:06:24] There are documented cases of other prisoners like me having met very suspicious ends in the months before my release. So it wasn't a totally unreasonable worry. She also said she repeatedly tried to send me parcels or supplies and put money on my commissary account. But her attempts were rejected without explanation. After my sentencing, I was not allowed to receive correspondence or to have a commissary account at all because of the classification of my crimes. So she was forced to give up.

[00:06:52] She told me this as an apology, as if I would have been disappointed with her for not helping me more. I had no idea she had done any of that. I do know that it was not a safe thing for her to do, and I feel terrible that she put herself at risk trying to make me a little more comfortable. She didn't seem to want to talk about what happened any more than that, and so we didn't. We changed the subject to more lighthearted things. Our jobs, the cities where we live, how my dad is adapting to a new country, etc.

[00:07:20] When she arrived at work and had to end the phone call, she asked if I wanted to continue talking through a messaging app. Obviously I said yes, and downloaded it immediately. We sent messages throughout the day, and she even interrupted her commute home to send me a picture of a restaurant modeled after one of my favorite books, just because she thought I would like it. She told me she thought of me every time she saw it, but unfortunately the restaurant itself was not so good.

[00:07:46] I was afraid she wouldn't remember me, but she even remembers things I like to read. She remembers a lot of little things, even stuff I forgot. We've been sending messages back and forth ever since, and talking on the phone after I finish work at night, until she gets too sleepy. Sometimes it feels like I'm 24, and she's texting me from a few blocks away, as if the next thing she might ask is what's for dinner. Other times it seems like we're trying to will dead versions of ourselves back to life

[00:08:16] in order to avoid acknowledging what we've lost. She seems a lot more timid than she used to, more passive, which I suppose makes sense. Sometimes I worry about how much I've changed, and that maybe she won't find anything left in me that's worthy of her. But if I could express in words what it feels like to hear her laugh, I could explain there's also a lot that we know very well. She hasn't lost her kindness, or her warmth, or her empathy. She still cares about me, and I still care about her.

[00:08:45] I know that rebuilding a friendship after all that's happened will take her lots of patience, and I have plenty to spare. I'm just happy to have the chance to get to know her again. This morning, Daria asked if I want to have a video call sometime this weekend. I agreed, but I'm ashamed to admit that as much as I want to see her, I'm very nervous. I look so different than she would remember. My jaw is messed up, and I have the teeth of a hockey player.

[00:09:11] Fortunately, I will qualify for healthcare insurance soon, and I'll be able to have it fixed. I lost weight that I haven't put back on, and I see an old man in the mirror. I'm also worried that I will get very emotional when I see her, and embarrass myself that way. I don't really cry in front of people. I'm not used to it, and this doesn't seem like a good occasion to start. Aside from not wanting to appear pitiful, I don't want her to feel forced to comfort me. If anyone had some advice on how to handle this, it would be much appreciated.

[00:09:41] Overall, this week could not have gone better, and I'm extremely grateful to everyone who gave me the little push of courage I needed to send her that message. A thousand times, thank you. Edit, just to clarify, she doesn't have a husband or kids. As I said in my first post, I only considered contacting her because there was no evidence of a partner on her social media. But I understand that my first post wasn't visible for a while, so I can see why that may not have been obvious. Sorry for the confusion.

[00:10:11] And Opie came in with another update which says, I've had a lot of people ask for an update, so here it is. The last two months have gone by very fast. I told Daria that I was nervous about the video call, and she insisted on having it right away so that I could get it over with and stop worrying. Seeing her made everything feel real in a way that it hadn't before. She still looks like herself, or even more beautiful. Different only in the sense that she is fully an adult now. The place she lives is very different from our home country,

[00:10:41] with a distinct culture to which she has assimilated. That she had time to adapt and feel completely at home in this place broke the illusion that no time had passed. In hindsight, that was probably the real reason I'd been so nervous. Because I could no longer occasionally forget myself and pretend that nothing had changed. The hardest part was not being able to reach through the screen and put my arms around her. Sitting there and watching someone you love cry from a distance is not easy. I barely noticed that I was crying too.

[00:11:11] She didn't seem surprised at my appearance, but she did eventually look me over and ask if the food was shit where I lived. I explained about my jaw, and I'm getting it fixed. Less dental work is required than I thought, but I need a surgery. Her response was to ask for my address and order groceries to be delivered, including a lot of soft snacks that are easy to eat, and these meal substitution drinks that are actually tasty. She sent them every week since, even though I tell her it's not necessary. Oh, it's got me going.

[00:11:41] When I wanted to pay her back, she laughed at me and said she owed me a lot of food, because I'd kept her from starving to death in university. I love being able to cook for her, and I suppose it makes her just as happy to feed me now. We talk every day, and I've made video calls a regular habit. It does me so much good just to see her face, and the awkwardness is mostly gone now. It's easy to talk to her.

[00:12:07] Last night, she brought her computer into the kitchen and talked to me while doing the washing up. It's amazing how mundane things like that can make me feel normal, and at home, in ways I forgot I could. I never thought I'd be that stupidly happy to see someone washing coffee cups. I'm beginning to think that the idea of home as a physical place is a misconception. She likes to send photos, to show me where she lives, what her life is like now. She was curious about how things are the same or different here.

[00:12:35] I didn't want to admit that I don't have much of a life to share back. Going places just didn't seem worth the effort. She is though. At first, it was very small things. She would send a picture of a pastry she had bought at a cafe, saying that she thinks her city has better pastries than mine. I would go out and get one so I could send her a photo too. Then it was beer, which city has better parks, interesting architecture, a department store, and so on.

[00:13:02] I figured out quickly that she was trying to coax me into going out more. But I played along to make her happy. I've seen more of the city in the past month than the entire time I've lived here before. I've been to an art museum and finally joined my colleagues for a beer. Usually I go places for short durations at the less crowded times, but I'm still going, which is something. Dario used to be very sociable. So I thought that whatever happened, at least she wouldn't be lonely. I was wrong.

[00:13:30] There was a lot she could never tell her friends because they can't relate. They would feel sorry for her and cease to be equal, she says. Our experiences are different, but we are more able to understand each other than other people could. And despite her own burden, she has quietly picked up half the weight from my shoulders without ever being asked to. I'm in awe of her, simply for being the kind person who would. For Women's Day I sent her some orchids, and she was very happy that I remembered her favorite flower.

[00:14:00] The things I can do to make her smile are so small, and she deserves so much more than I know how to give her. But I would do anything for this woman, and I am learning. There are protests happening where she is, with riot police and tear gas. Whenever this happens, she feels nervous and has difficulty sleeping. Now at least I can stay on the phone with her at night so she's not alone. Aside from the anxiety, there is also a sense of nostalgia. She talks about when that was us, making noise in the street.

[00:14:30] I'm glad she has good memories too, and doesn't have to be alone with them anymore. Finally, the reason I'm updating now. She is coming to visit. We're talking last night and I mentioned that a church near me has special window designs by an artist she loves, and I was thinking about going to see them eventually. She said it would be unfair of me to go without her, so I invited her to come with me. And then somehow it turned from vague future plans to being scheduled for the next Saturday.

[00:14:56] She was going to come for the day, but I told her it was silly to travel so far to stay for such a short time, and suggested she stay the entire weekend. So she'll be here from Friday until Sunday. I haven't really had time to be nervous yet, but I'm sure I will. Thank you again to everyone who's given me advice or encouragement. It's very much appreciated. Oh, those bloody onion ninjas again. It's got me properly going, and I hope that they did.

[00:15:25] That was OP's last update on that post, and I hope that they did have their happy ever after. They just sound like a couple of wonderful people, and they deserve each other. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below, and let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from Nina Los, which says,

[00:15:49] Am I the arse of for calling my elderly neighbor a selfish prick after he threatened me over his late night piano playing? I, 22 female, am at my wit's end with my upstairs neighbor, 65 male. For the past three months, he's been playing his piano loudly every single night from 11pm to 5am. It started occasionally, but now it's a nightly occurrence.

[00:16:15] I've tried everything, politely asking him to stop, leaving a kind note explaining my situation, even offering to buy him headphones. His response? This is my creative time. Deal with it, or move out. Last night, I reached my breaking point. After another sleepless night, I confronted him in the hallway. I begged him to reconsider, explaining that I'm falling asleep at work and my mental health is suffering. He got in my face and said,

[00:16:42] Listen here, you little brat. I've lived here for 30 years. If you can't handle a little music, I'll make your life hell. Try complaining again, and you'll regret it. I lost it. I called him a selfish old prick and told him to go fuck himself. Now he's telling everyone in the building that I'm an abusive, disrespectful youth. Other neighbors are annoyed too, but they're afraid to confront him. The landlord says he can't do anything without multiple complaints. Am I the arsehole for snapping at him?

[00:17:10] Should I apologize, or should I start a process of filing a formal noise complaint, even though he threatened me? He just sounds like one of those people that's been there for so long. He thinks he has some power over everybody else in the building. In the area that I used to live, there was always this one particular family who would have parties in their back garden until like 3 or 4 in the morning. Loud as well. Music going on loud. And then you have someone out the window who goes, Shut the fuck up!

[00:17:39] And then they respond, We've lived here all our lives. You shut the fuck up. We're just having a good time. Blah, blah, blah. Eventually some random will call the police on them, then they go quiet, and then they come back out afterwards. It was just like a game sort of every summer that these people used to play. But Efficient Cat says, Not the arsehole. Your neighbor is way out of line here. Playing loud music all night for months? Not okay. Ignoring your polite requests? Rude. Threatening you? Absolutely unacceptable.

[00:18:09] Don't apologize. Instead, document everything. File complaints with your landlord. Check local noise. Ordinances. Or consider reporting the threat to police. Content Print says, He's in violation of the law. You can't make inside noise over 65 decibels in the middle of the night. Call the police and complain. Every time. And he's most likely in violation of his lease too. Complain to the landlord in writing. Keep a record of his hours. And download a decibel meter on your phone.

[00:18:39] Send it to your landlord in writing every week. The landlord will have to address it. Your neighbor obviously knows he's being inconsiderate and doesn't care. He might be showing early signs of dementia. Try making a welfare call on him. See how he likes the police showing up and banging on his door in the middle of the day when he's sleeping. The OP came in with her update and says, I can't believe I'm writing this update less than 24 hours after my original post. Things have spiraled out of control.

[00:19:08] After reading your comments last night, I decided to take action. At 8am this morning, I called the non-emergency police line to report the ongoing noise disturbance and the threat he made. They said they'd send someone to check it out. Around 9am, I heard a knock at my door. It was two police officers. As I was explaining the situation, we suddenly heard a massive crash from upstairs, followed by the loudest piano playing yet. The officers went up to investigate. That's when all hell broke loose.

[00:19:37] My neighbor started screaming about his rights and young punks ruining society. Then we heard more crashing and the sound of a piano being destroyed. Next thing I know, my neighbor is being let out in handcuffs, shouting that he'll make me pay. Apparently when the cops entered, he was in the process of pushing his piano out the window. He claimed he was giving me what I wanted. No more piano. The cops found his apartment in complete disarray.

[00:20:05] He smashed furniture, punched holes in walls, etc. He's being taken for a psychiatric evaluation. Other neighbors are coming out of the woodwork with their own stories about his erratic behavior. I'm in shock. I wanted the noise to stop, but not like this. I feel terrible. Did I push him over the edge? Should I have handled this differently? I'm safe, but shaken. Any advice on how to process this and move forward? OP shouldn't feel terrible in this situation.

[00:20:35] I think they've done that neighbor and people around him and some potential innocent person solid by reporting it when they did. The guy was going to push a piano out the window. I would certainly be keeping an eye on if or when he was coming back though. Because that is a bit of a worry, isn't it? Holy moly. What do you guys make of this situation? Just had another flashback to the Henry Hoover flying off the balcony then. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:05] And just a huge thank you for being here today. Much love to you and I'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.