My Narcissist Sister-In-Law Wants To Come To My Christmas | r/AITAH

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider another like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Anon Paimon who says, My narcissistic sister-in-law wants to come to my Christmas dinner.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00] For context, I 27 female and my sister-in-law 32 female, I call her Sarah, do not get along. We were very close at one point but two years ago my brother and her got into a very heated argument that escalated and I told her she was wrong when she asked my opinion. She threatened me after that and have not spoken to her since.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00] She has since moved back to her hometown and I look after her daughter, 11 female, as she goes to a private school in my city. I'm hosting a Christmas dinner this year and everyone except Sarah was invited initially. My brother later told me that she's alone for the holidays. The thing to note about Sarah is that she is very narcissistic. She will only be nice to you if you agree with her all of the time and take her side even when she's wrong.

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00] She will gaslight you even if you have the evidence. She essentially has no friends because of this and her family no longer speaks to her. I felt bad given our past relationship and said she could come as long as she agrees to be civil at times. Recently, however, her daughter had a Christmas party. I bought her a cute and appropriate outfit that suits her style of choice and she was very excited to wear it. Sarah called her and asked to see what she'd be wearing before instantly becoming upset when she saw the outfit.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00] She told her she couldn't wear it. Her daughter insisted it's what she wanted to wear. And when Sarah realized her daughter wasn't going to listen, she stated, If you want to look like a grandma and go to your party, fine. And then quickly hung up on her daughter. I was upset because instead of being understanding of her daughter's opinions, she chose to insult her and hang up on her. It also showed me that in the past years, Sarah is still the same. I no longer want her to come to the dinner.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_00] My mom has stated that it would be a jerk move. Would I be the asshole to rescind my invitation? So the first commenter said to OP, Mom is right. It wouldn't be good to rescind based upon the conversation she had with her own daughter. You would be the asshole. That being said, If you called the mom and had a conversation about her making the daughter feel bad about her outfit, and that conversation turned ugly and mom got belligerent, you could use that as a reason to uninvite her. OP says thanks for responding.

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00] Your approach does seem more reasonable. I may just try that first. Commenter replies saying, OP then clarifies on the relationship with her sister-in-law and what the issue was that caused OP and sister-in-law to stop speaking with each other. OP says, This is my brother's wife.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00] Her argument was about her staying in contact with her affair partner. She wanted me to take her side, but I told her what she was doing was wrong if she wanted to save her marriage. She threatened me that I would never see her daughter again and that she better not ever see me by chance. Insinuating she would hurt me, I suppose. Commenter says, So, does niece live with you or you watch her when brother is at work or what? Or just tell your brother and let him deal with it.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00] She's going to be a problem, no doubt about it. OP says she lives with me right now. My brother works overseas. Sad to say this, but my brother is a bit of a doormat. He tends to take his wife's side to appease her over his daughter's side. Commenter says, So, you raise your niece. Neither your brother or her mom have custody. How often do they see her? OP says they have custody of their daughter. I look after her because I live closest to the private school she attends.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00] Her mom moved back to her hometown because she opened a business there and her dad works in another country. Commenter says, Quoting, She threatened me that I would never see her daughter again and that she better not ever see me by chance. Insinuating she would hurt me, I suppose. Then says, That puts a different spin on things. I'd probably tell your niece that it is her decision whether a mom comes to Christmas. If she wants to include her, You'll be civil and polite as long as she conducts herself accordingly. But, If any time niece wants her to leave,

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00] All she has to do is tell you. That's a lot to put on an 11 year old, But it also gives her a choice. OP says, Honestly, I think you're right. I'll have to reach out to her mom first and set some boundaries regarding the dinner And talk with my niece after. Thanks for your comment. OP on if her brother is actually divorcing his wife since sister-in-law moved back to her hometown and then says, No, They're still together. And it doesn't seem like they're likely beginning a divorce anytime soon. I'm not sure if she still talks to the affair partner.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00] My brother is the one who wanted me to invite her to the dinner. She would have stayed with my grandmother. I'm sure she just threatened me out of anger. She tends to do that and hopes everyone moves on from the harsh things she says without ever apologizing for it. Someone says, Will OP's niece go live with her mother full time if sister-in-law decides to come and pull her daughter from the private school? OP says, Thank you for your response. Thankfully, My niece's parents have agreed that she should graduate before she goes back to live with her mom full time.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00] And no, The daughter is with me because I live closest to the private school she is attending. The mother lives about three hours away from the school. The parents have an agreement that she will not be pulled out of school by either of them. I feel like I've stepped into another planet on this one. It's absolutely mental. You've got the dad working overseas who seems to be so, you know, conflict diverse. He won't back his own daughter. A mom who's moved three hours away to run a business and is using what contact she has with her kid

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00] to insult the choices that she's making on, you know, what she was dressing in, et cetera. And then among all of this, you are OP just raising this girl because she happens to live near the school. What? Am I missing something here? The abandonment here is just wild. How did this arrangement even start and everyone just okay with it? And now suddenly during all this, the OP,

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00] the brother wants OP to invite his wife to Christmas. And I can't imagine how that 11 year old feels. It always gets me with stories like this, you know, young child, the thoughts and feelings that they go through. And what they may be or may not. Obviously, obviously, I don't know, but internalizing themselves. She's already dealing with like her parents being away and all this kind of thing going on. But now she's got this Christmas dinner drama that's going on at the same time.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00] That's just, it's just incredibly sad for me. But OP does come in with an update and says, I hope I'm updating correctly. After reading everyone's comments, I made the decision to simply talk to Sarah. I called her last night. I didn't mention anything about the conversation she had with her daughter and instead kept the call focused on the dinner and my expectations. I told her, I understand we hadn't talked in about two years, but I wanted to clear the air if we're going to be around each other for the holidays.

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00] I explained that I was going to have an uneventful holiday surrounded by the people closest to me. I even said, I'd be happy to have her over because it would make her daughter very happy. Guys, I don't know where communication got twisted, but she got so upset. I'm also very proud of myself for having recorded the phone call, so she can't twist my words or anything like that. She went on a full on rant saying she did so much for me and my family

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00] and that we should have been understanding of her. Talking about her affair here, long. Mind you, she's the one that dragged us in to get her drama back and because she was hoping we would have her back. Support her affair. We tend to stay out of their marriage drama unless it concerns their daughter. Anyway, she uninvited herself. She said she was offended I would call her and make her feel like a bad person for bringing up the past. I mentioned nothing about the affair.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_00] She said she didn't want to be around us anyway, that my brother was the one who wanted her there, which is a lie since he had sent me a screenshot of her asking to be invited because I didn't believe him when he said she wanted to be with us for the holiday. I didn't mention this to her and just said, okay, take care before hanging up. That is the end of my little saga. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. I'm glad I took this approach because if I had simply uninvited her, I would have been second guessing myself the entire time,

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_00] wondering if she had changed at all. A little naive thinking, but I'm okay with this outcome. Have a happy and safe holiday, everyone. Purple Rose said to the AP on this one, play the recording to your brother, your parents and husband. Tell them if she shows up anyway, you will kindly ask her to leave. And the moment she starts her drama, you will shut the door in her face and call the police that you will not tolerate her behavior any longer until she learns to behave civilly like an adult. She is not welcome in your home.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00] Commodore says, why doesn't your brother divorce her? She's clearly not a good wife or mother. I hope he hears the recording. If she gives a narrative, let people hear the recording. Just check your local laws before sending. Here we can do it if we're in part of the conversation, but other places it's a two-party consent and recording is against the law. If she shows up, tell her you gave her seat away. If you need to invite a friend or someone else, fill that seat. Heck, give it to a daughter's stuffed animal if you have to. Lol.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00] And Cold Swordfish says, beware, this is not over. I had a narc sister and she would make these statements all of the time. Ask to be invited and then when boundaries and expectations were given, she would throw a fit and refuse to come. On the actual day though, she would show up and try to pretend nothing happened. Narcs like to hear only what they want to hear and often rewrite the events in their head to make themselves the victim. And there was a lot of comments

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00] saying the sister is going to turn up to the event, which, you know, is not surprising, but also really sad, especially for the child who's just, you know, in the stablest place they can be at the moment and then you've got this kind of shit going on. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from a throwaway account and it says,

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_00] am I the arsehole here for telling my daughter she can't go on a school trip even though she raised the money for it like I told her to. So I, 34 female and my husband, 35 male have a daughter, Iris, 13 female. We are honestly not well off at all and get by with lots of sacrificing and budgeting. Still, we do our best to make sure Iris has all the extras she needs. We buy her art supplies, we pay for her to go out with her friends, et cetera, et cetera.

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_00] All within reason. I'm willing to give more details on this if needed. Iris's school does school trips every once in a while. She has one coming up, an overnight trip to a nearby city where they can see the sites and visit historical monuments. Not being specific on purpose. However, it does cost quite a pretty penny. When Iris told me about this and asked for the money, I told her we were very sorry but we didn't have the money for it. She seemed quite upset so I told her maybe

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_00] the three of us could put our heads together and think of a way to raise the money before the deadline for this trip. I was thinking maybe a bake sale or something. Perhaps she could sell some of her art or do commissions. She huffed at me and told me she'd get the money herself and just walked away. Here is where I may have made a mistake. I didn't follow up with her at all. Honestly, it slipped my mind and I worked long days so it wasn't really a priority especially since she didn't bring it up again. I guess

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_00] I just assumed that she'd given up and decided not to go. I did still set aside a small portion for my paychecks just in case she was working on something even though I didn't really expect anything. But two days ago she came up to me and told me she had the money. I was shocked and confused and firstly assumed she must have sold some of her things and I was ready to scold her about not talking to me first. But the reality was worse. I asked her how she got so much money

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_00] and it turns out she literally went and begged to everyone she could. Her friend's parents, her art teacher, literal people on the street. She apparently told them we were extremely poor and couldn't pay for a trip which is not true. We are not in poverty. We keep her as comfortable as we can. She has never had to worry about meals or the heating turning off. She just guilted them all into giving her money. I was appalled and extremely embarrassed and told her that was completely unacceptable and she had to give

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00] all the money back and that she was not going to use that money to go on the trip. I wanted to say she couldn't go at all now even if she got the money in an acceptable way but my husband said that was a little strong. He fully agrees with me on not using the money she pretty much stole though and when she went crying to him about it he sided with me fully. She started crying and shouted at me that the deadline was a week away and that she couldn't get the money again in just a week. I told her that was really sad and maybe if she'd made a plan with me a few weeks ago

[00:13:54] [SPEAKER_00] then she would have been able to get the money but for now she has a week to come up with it. She stormed upstairs to her room and has been sulking since then. So am I the arsehole here for telling my daughter she couldn't use the money to fund her trip even though she came up with it herself? Edit Since people are missing this If she had just said we couldn't afford the trip and ask for donations I would have been okay with it even if I still don't think our financials should be public knowledge like that. She did lie

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_00] and guilt people by telling them that we couldn't afford dinner many nights so she went to bed hungry and that we couldn't afford new clothes for her so she often wore the same clothes for years at a time and that we hadn't paid for any hobbies or extracurriculars. I'm not denying we aren't well off but we aren't poverty stricken like she implied. Of course the trip isn't denied because she told people we can't afford it it's denied because she lied to people to get them to give her money. So the first commenter

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00] on this one says you're the arsehole but hey at least your daughter learned early she can't depend on you so she won't be blindsided when she turns 18. Opie says like I said in another comment I was willing to work with her since we simply do not have the extra money for it but I'm not going to reward her guilting and lying to lots of people to get this money. Clearly she has the ethic for it it should be going into something honest. The commenter replies again saying she said you're too poor to afford the trip and you apparently are.

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_00] Where's the lie? Opie says firstly I don't think our financial situation needs to be broadcasted like that. The fact that we can't afford the trip is not a lie. Second I mention the lying and guilting because that's specifically what she was doing begging people for money and saying that we never paid for anything for her because we couldn't afford it and saying she sometimes had to skip dinner and that much of her clothes were donated or years old. None of this is true and I don't like her saying these things to gain sympathy and money.

[00:15:53] [SPEAKER_00] So Opie goes on to explain about the school's yearly trips and why she didn't start putting money aside so her daughter could go on these trips and then says the school doesn't do yearly trips like this. The timings are not always at the same time. Last year they had a trip in April to some aquarium. This year it's overnight to our nearby city. If she had told me about this trip a few months back I'm sure we could have saved the money for it. Secondly I don't think she needs to be doing something illegal for me to disapprove. She has been lying about

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_00] our situation to people in order to gain sympathy and funds which I'm not going to reward. Thirdly if she gave the money back and told people she lied about wearing only hand-me-down slash not getting to eat dinner slash not getting to do anything fun. I doubt they would want her to keep it. If they told her to keep it and she still had enough money to go on the trip I would let her go but I wouldn't be happy about it. Someone asks what did OP's daughter lie about? OP says she absolutely did beg.

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_00] If she had just asked people to donate I would have been okay with it even if I would have preferred she raised money through other means. What I'm not okay with is her lying about us not being able to afford dinner or wearing the same clothes for years because we apparently couldn't afford new clothes. She told me she said these things to people and I'm not going to reward that. Commenter says I'm sorry is everyone here on crack? Her daughter told people she sometimes didn't have meals and also had very old or donated clothes basically making it seem like

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_00] they're so poor they can't even afford food or clothes which is clearly not the case. OP even said had she known sooner she would have saved up for the trip. OP don't listen to these people because you're not the asshole here. You should also have your daughter go and tell everyone that she lied and she's not going without because honestly someone could have called CPS. Luckily it seems that didn't happen. OP replied saying this is definitely another issue. She told a lot of her friend's parents I don't know whether one of them might be considering calling CPS.

[00:17:53] [SPEAKER_00] I've half a mind to text all of them and have old clothes but I don't want to embarrass her in that way. Another commenter says everyone sucks here. You told her you couldn't afford it. She got mad. You left it open ended and didn't follow it up. Also I'm not sure maybe if she made a plan with me weeks ago is a leg you get to stand on. You expect your 13 year old to be more responsible than you. You didn't follow up either after saying you would.

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_00] She be remiss not to channel this energy. This kid wants better for herself. Had you actually followed up with her and steered her away from lying you could have figured something out in time. When is the next trip? Start working with her now to raise the money. She can do it. She's 13 so you obviously need to guide her and not just forget about her and her but

[00:19:06] she

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00] said this is fair I also completely agree with your second paragraph she's clearly shown smarts and grit and for that I'm proud of her honestly that makes things worse the fact that she chose to put that into something dishonest like this instead of miss school trips

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_00] before and opie says she has missed some trips other trips have been cheaper and were able to save especially when she told us about it for months in advance Commodore says you actually serious right now okay I'll give it a shot one you didn't parent your daughter when she initially asked you you just wanted the irritation to go away two you set no boundaries you literally made assumptions on what she would do after intimating to the child that you are poor to go on the trip if that was her takeaway you did it not her

[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_00] three after putting the time and well intentioned effort into it you're now bothered to find out what's happening four just so you know saving part of your paycheck doesn't make you a saint or good parent you should use your big girl voice to communicate five so she repeats what you told her to other people to attempt to fix her issues herself six you get embarrassed because she repeated what you said that you were poor to strangers seven being poor is obviously a sin and only bad people are poor so your reaction is completely normal right

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_00] right slash sarcasm eight you still offer no solution putting the poor child back even further and now making her understand that your word doesn't mean shit that you don't say what you mean and that she must forever be embarrassed and guilty about her situation not talk to anyone about it or

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_00] going to be unpopular for it but not the asshole and this is because there was a lot of you're the asshole comments on this one and the comment continued yes you should have followed up but all parents have these I could kick myself moments the fact that you owned it

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_00] that kids are disrespectful and entitled these are probably the same people who think it's okay for her to keep the money and go on the trip stick to your guns and hopefully she

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_00] on the trip despite what everyone here seems to think I do love my daughter and I'm willing to sacrifice further the commenter says so you're basically punishing your daughter because you failed as a parent op says call it what you want I guess no wonder America's literacy rate is so low I'm not disagreeing that I should have followed up with her however she's almost in high school and should know to follow up herself as well especially when it's something that's so important to her commenter replies saying well now how is she supposed to know when her

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_00] parents are always at work instead of to be with her and there was a lot of mix of comments in this story a

[00:23:15] [SPEAKER_00] whole bunch of them people talking about what the daughter did was wrong and shouldn't be rewarded for it other people saying the parents didn't parent in this situation and that the daughter was left with an adult situation but dealt with it in a child like way but OP did update the post and said I said about the whole situation but to my surprise she started crying and told me she was sorry the gist of it is as follows I'll try to

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_00] be clear about it I asked her why she hadn't just come to me to make a plan about raising money she said she was just upset we couldn't afford it and she admitted she should have come to me I apologize for not following up with her and just assuming which she acknowledged but she also insisted she was mature and also could have come to me I then asked her why on earth she was lying about not being able to afford food and told her that it was a pretty serious thing as someone could have called CPS on us she started crying again and said she knew

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00] it was she give it back but that I would sell some stuff in the home the money I get from that plus the little bit I saved already should hopefully be enough to cover her trip she started crying again and thanked me we then had a discussion about the time I spent with her and apologized for not being able to spend

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_00] as much time as I would like she said it was okay but I can't afford to cut hours but maybe something else in the end I hugged her and asked her if she wanted to have a mother daughter day at the park this weekend on my day off which she gladly accepted I told

[00:25:16] [SPEAKER_00] overall a very productive discussion I am glad she realized the lying and guilting was wrong and took accountability for it so now I

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_00] my daughter does not hate me I was not trying to punish her for telling people we couldn't afford the trip I would have preferred if she didn't broadcast a financial situation like that but if she had got the money from telling the truth only that we couldn't afford the trip I would have still let her use that money to go on the trip of

[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_00] view is well some people still calling OP the asshole in this situation stating that the child thought they had no support from OP in those initial moments so did

[00:26:46] [SPEAKER_00] your support your time it always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much for being here truly it's absolutely amazing and hopefully I'm going to see you in the next one take care and much love