I Just Discovered My Daughter Has Been HIDING Her Fathers Affair For 2 Years r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account that's titled, How Do I, 49 Female, Move Forward After My Daughter, 22 Female, Hid Her Father's Affair From Me For 2 Years.

[00:00:31] I, 49 Female, was married to my ex-husband, Derek, 49 Male, for 20 years before divorcing a few months ago. We have two kids, a daughter, 22 Female, and a son, 17 Male. I found out Derek was having a two year affair and my world was shattered. But what hurt almost as much was discovering that my daughter had known about it the whole time. She actively hid it from me for two years, lied, covered for him.

[00:00:59] I never once tried to warn me. When I found out, I was devastated. Not just by my husband's betrayal, but by my daughter's choice to keep it from me. She was young at the time and I understand it was a difficult position for her. But the pain was immense. I never confronted her directly thinking it might affect her as she was about to go off to college. I just told her I knew, that I understood and tried to move on.

[00:01:25] But after she left, I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. It wasn't planned, I just needed space to heal. And that meant not calling her as often or reaching out as much. Fast forward a year and a half and I've started dating someone, 41 Male, who has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, we all went to Disney together and he posted a family photo of us on social media.

[00:01:51] For context, my boyfriend covered all the expenses as a gift for his daughter's birthday, wanting to make it special for her. Along with my son and me, she chose her two cousins to come along, making it a big family style trip that was all about her. My daughter must have seen it because she didn't call me for over a month afterwards. And honestly, I wasn't as affected by her absence as I would have been before. I still love her, but every interaction brings up that pain.

[00:02:18] Out of nowhere, she called me in tears. She was screaming, saying I obviously hadn't forgiven her and I'd shut her out on purpose. She accused me of replacing her with my boyfriend and his daughter. She kept saying, it was a long time ago. I was a kid. I didn't mean to hurt you. She said she thought she was doing the right thing by staying quiet, that she didn't know how to tell me and that she was terrified of breaking our family apart. She asked me if I'd ever forgive her or if I'd moved on for good.

[00:02:47] I tried to tell her that I loved her and never wanted to replace her, but she just kept pushing that I should get over it by now and that I'd abandon her for this new life. To top it off, my ex-husband later called me, furious, accusing me of leaving my daughter for a younger man and a new family. He even had the nerve to call me selfish for moving on. Ironically, his girlfriend is 30 and he's the one who blew up our family with his affair.

[00:03:14] It's like no one understands that I'm still trying to recover from years of betrayal and it feels like I'm expected to just let it go, as if my pain doesn't matter. My son, who lives with me, found out about his sister hiding the affair after overhearing my husband's mom and sister talking. He was crushed and hasn't forgiven her either, and they've barely spoken since. I never wanted him to know, but it feels like the entire family is divided now and I don't know how to fix it.

[00:03:42] I'm in therapy, but I still feel lost. Part of me knows that she was young and didn't know how to handle it, but another part of me feels like she chose him over me. I love my daughter, but every time we talk, that hurt resurfaces. I don't know if I'm failing as a mother or if I'm protecting myself. I feel like I've emotionally checked out and I don't know how to reconnect. Edits, just to clarify, my divorce actually happened a few months ago. Not three years ago, as I originally mentioned.

[00:04:12] My sister, who is a bit of a scatterbrain, encouraged me to post here and typed out much of it for me. In the process, she got the timeline wrong and I didn't catch it before posting. My daughter was 17 when she found out about the affair. She had a lot going on at the time, including having to change schools due to some personal issues and repeating a year. So when I found out, it was less than two years ago. Hope this clears up the confusion.

[00:04:36] So someone asks OP if the daughter ever apologized for what happened and limit contact with her children's father. And OP says, thank you for your kind words and support. Honestly, my daughter's apology has been complicated. She did express that she was sorry, but it often came with explanations of how difficult it was for her. How she was stuck between her father and me. I can understand that she was young and in an impossible situation. But it still feels like she's brushing aside the depth of the hurt.

[00:05:05] Sometimes it feels like she doesn't fully understand why it's so painful for me. And that part has been hard to get past. As for my ex, yes, I've definitely limited contact with him to what's necessary for our son. My son mostly stays with me, so that call was a bit unexpected. We rarely speak directly. And when we do, it's usually through our lawyers. Our divorce was only finalized a few months ago. So I'm adjusting to all the boundaries and just trying to protect my peace.

[00:05:32] He doesn't deserve any extra energy or emotional space in my life. And I'm doing my best to keep it that way. OP then clarifies some more about a timeline of events. OP says to clarify, my daughter was 17 when she first found out about the affair. But I didn't learn about it until she was 19. Before that, she had a lot of personal struggles, including a serious incident that led to her having to change high schools. This all happened before she found out about the affair.

[00:05:58] And by the time I learned the truth, she was dealing with the fallout of those issues. I didn't want to burden her further. So I chose not to confront her about the affair. Actually, the divorce was finalized only a few months ago, not three years ago. I know the timeline got a bit mixed up. My sister is a bit of a scatterbrain. But she's always been my biggest support. She insisted I posted it on Reddit and even typed it out for me, though I should have double-checked the details before sharing. I don't think OP is failing as a mother, as they said, at all for needing space to heal.

[00:06:28] I think that pain is totally valid. And it shouldn't be just dismissed as, you know, time passed, as they're saying. Get over it kind of thing. Which I think is incredibly unfair to say in the first place. Especially without acknowledging what's actually happened to OP. Right in the comment section, a lunatic is on the grass says, You should definitely cut all contact with your ex unless it's about your minor child. Keep all communication via text so you don't have to hear his BS. And he thinks he can call and berate you is unbelievable.

[00:06:57] Next time, don't pick up or just hang up. Maybe you and your daughter could get therapy together to try and sort things out. I understand she was a kid trying to keep the family together, but your feelings are totally valid. I can't imagine how hurtful it must have been knowing she hid it for so long. Moethanks replied to that as saying, Yeah, I also see why she was hurt. I can understand the daughter not saying anything because she was scared. That's natural. But to actively lie and participate in the deception is something else altogether.

[00:07:27] I'd also struggle with that if I were the mother. I completely agree that they should attend some family therapy sessions to work through this. Serious Swim says, I understand she was scared as well. But it actually sounds like the daughter is closer to her dad and that's more likely why she chose to cover up for him. To protect him. That must be devastating to find out all at once. What a self-centered asshole putting the daughter in that position. And he still had the goal to accuse OP of choosing a younger partner over her family. He did that.

[00:07:56] Clever Calamity says, I am loathe to admit this, but I could see myself doing this as a teenager. I participated in my dad's misogyny against my mother because I grew up in a very misogynistic house. As I got older, I recognized he and my brother were starting to form this private little club and I was starting to get pushed out and I was desperate to still be included because I had nowhere else to turn as my whole life, my parents had, both my mom and dad, systematically disrespecting and degrading my mother's role in the family and what womanhood meant.

[00:08:25] So to prove I wasn't becoming some dumb, useless, vapid woman like my mom, I actively participated in her and therefore my own oppression in an effort to be accepted into their little club that much longer. It obviously didn't work. It took me well into adulthood to realize and I've connected with many other women who experienced this. I'm not saying that's what's happened here, but sometimes when daughters are caught covering for their dads, I really,

[00:08:55] the only person who needs to take responsibility here is your cheating ex-husband. What is her relationship like with him? Yes, she was young, technically an adult, but still naive to how shitty the world can be, especially where the shitty behavior comes from your own father. But she also needs to understand that your feelings matter and this kind of hurt may take time to heal. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Stick with therapy. Hopefully it will help. And Realistic Rip says the daughter can use therapy as well and made to understand she can never be replaced.

[00:09:24] However, mother and daughter need to have an adult discussion without her daughter screaming. She should understand the pain she caused by keeping her dad's cheating for two years from her mom. She has to understand her pain. It would have been very difficult, but she was definitely old enough to have told her mom. So then, OP came in with her update and said, First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was honestly overwhelmed by the sheer number of replies. I tried my best to read through as many as I could and some of the advice was hard to hear,

[00:09:54] but necessary. It's been a lot to take in, but one comment really stayed with me. Someone mentioned how fragile life is and how little time we really have with the people we love. That struck me deeply. I've been so consumed by pain and anger that I forgot to think about what I'd want my relationship with my daughter to look like in the long run. If something were to happen tomorrow, would I be okay with leaving things as they are? That thought stayed with me and within a few days, I decided to contact my daughter.

[00:10:23] I told her I wanted us to talk. Not to rehash the past or point fingers, but to figure out how we could move forward. She was hesitant at first, which I completely understand. We had the conversation a few nights ago and while it wasn't easy, I'm grateful she was willing to open up. There were tense moments and I won't lie, it was hard to hear some of what she said. But for the first time in a long while, I felt like we were finally addressing what had been festering between us. We talked about what had happened and I finally asked her for the truth about everything.

[00:10:53] When I first discovered her father's affair, he told me that she had always known about it. In fact, he claimed she'd been his ally, hiding things from me multiple times. He even said that she disliked me and was on his side. Hearing that from him was devastating. I couldn't believe my daughter would do something like that or feel that way about me. The way I found out about the affair was awful and the idea that my daughter had played any part of it, even unknowingly, made it so much worse. At first,

[00:11:23] she was very reluctant to talk about it, but eventually, she opened up and started sharing everything, including what led up to her actions. A few months before discovering the affair, she had been involved in a difficult situation at a high school. Without going into specifics, it was a matter where her actions led to serious consequences. The school had a zero-tolerance policy and as a result, she was expelled. She had to transfer to a new school and repeat the year. On top of that, her grades took a hit and she was finding it challenging

[00:11:53] to get back on track. When it happened, I felt it was important for her to face the full weight of her actions and take responsibility for what she had done. I grounded her and took away her electronics, hoping the consequences would help her reflect and grow. I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation and emerge from it as a better person. Her father, however, completely disagreed with my approach. He felt I was being too harsh, insisting that she had already learned her lesson and needed support rather than punishment.

[00:12:21] The tension in our household became unbearable. Between my frustration with him and my disappointment in her actions, I found it harder and harder to communicate properly with her. There were constant fights, arguments that seemed to erupt over everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn't just them. Therapy over the past year helped me realize that I played a part too. My hurt and frustration often came out as anger and instead of addressing things calmly, I let my emotions take control.

[00:12:50] I was constantly angry and frustrated and my mood probably created an even more tense and uncomfortable environment for everyone. So when she found out about his affair shortly after, she was angry at me and still reeling from everything that had happened. She admitted that part of her decision to stay quiet was fueled by a desire to get back at me. She felt like keeping the secret was her way of taking revenge. Though she now realizes how wrong that was. She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean,

[00:13:19] telling her that I'd already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn't make things worse. Feeling trapped, she lied and kept lying, hoping it would somehow blow over without me finding out. Hearing this from her was heartbreaking. It didn't justify what she did, but it helped me understand her perspective. Knowing her father pressured her to keep his secret makes my anger towards him even stronger. He broke everything with his affair and then used our daughter to cover for him, making her feel trapped and responsible for his lies.

[00:13:49] I hate what he put her through. To be honest, our marriage was already going through a rough patch at the time and we likely would have ended up divorcing anyway. However, it's one thing to fail as a husband, but to fail so completely as a parent is unforgivable. They always had a good relationship and I never wanted to ruin that for her, even when I was angry. But seeing how he used her in his lies has only deepened my resentment. I told her that I've been hurt, not just by her actions,

[00:14:17] but by how deeply they shook my trust in her. At the same time, I reminded her that I love her and I always will. I said that while I can't change the past, I want to rebuild our relationship. We agreed to take things one step at a time. I suggested we try online therapy together and while she was hesitant at first, she agreed. She's already been seeing a therapist on her own and wasn't sure about opening up in a joint session. But I think she ultimately realized how much I want to make this work.

[00:14:46] I also brought up her brother. They've never had the closest relationship. He's always been more of a reserved, independent person, while she's more outgoing and emotional. There's been tension between them in the past and ever since he overheard what happened with her hiding the affair, they've barely spoken. I tried to talk to him about maybe giving her another chance. Even when I wasn't on the best of terms with her, I really wanted them to have a good relationship. But I also don't want to push him too much. He's his own person

[00:15:16] and I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to force him into something he isn't ready for or doesn't want to do. He's allowed to make his own decisions and if they need time apart to heal, I'll respect that. Someone mentioned the unrealistic standards we often hold women to and I've been thinking a lot about that. I don't hold her to any impossible standard just because she's a woman. She is the light of my life but sometimes I realize I've shared everything in such a negative way because of how it all played out.

[00:15:45] I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I don't know exactly where I stand or what I'm feeling at times. I'm just moving through life like anyone else, doing the best I can. All again for your advice and forgive me the push I needed to start this conversation. It's not easy but I'm hopeful we'll get through this one step at a time. Opie added additional information about the incident that involved her daughter and Opie said, of course, I haven't come to terms with it.

[00:16:14] You want to give me a recap? Let me give you a fucking recap. My daughter participated in an inexcusable situation. A situation that pushed another girl so far she almost did something irreversible. Almost destroyed herself. The other girl's parents filed a complaint against the school and my daughter admitted she was to blame. Admitted it and still made excuses for herself. So yes, I punished her. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Sweep it under the rug? Pretend it didn't happen?

[00:16:43] My husband sided with her. Said she'd been through enough. She'd been expelled as if that was enough. She threw tantrums, acted like a victim and kept saying she had learned her lesson. I did everything a parent is supposed to do. I tried to be the best possible mother I could in that situation. When I found out my husband was cheating on me. Not just cheating, cheating in the most gut-wrenching, humiliating way possible. And what did he say when I confronted him? That my daughter had known all along.

[00:17:12] That she'd helped him keep his secret. And on top of that, he told me she didn't even like me. You want to talk about poison? That's poison. Hearing that from someone you love. Knowing your own child had sided against you in something so vile. But even then, I didn't scream at her. I didn't lash out. I distanced myself, yes. But only because I didn't want to cause more damage. Was I supposed to act like everything was okay? Was I supposed to just hug her and pretend none of this happened?

[00:17:42] Everything was not okay. But I'm trying now. I'm trying my level best to fix this situation. My son doesn't want me to. He thinks she's toxic and tells me to stay away from her. But I told him no. She's my daughter and I'm going to try. And yet, here you all are, passing your random judgments. Like I haven't been breaking my back trying to hold this family together. I didn't ask for your judgment. I was given an update. But fine. Screw you. A commenter said to the OP,

[00:18:11] please let go of the idea of your son and daughter being close. Don't push for it. Don't ask for it. Just let it go. People choose who they want to engage with and quite frankly, if I were your son, I would not want to be around your daughter either. They won't be close and you need to be okay with that. OP responded saying honestly and come into terms with it. They have a decent age gap and their personalities are very different, which often causes friction. Even before her concealment of the affair came to light, they weren't close.

[00:18:41] There are several reasons for it and I don't want to paint anyone in a bad light, but it's been like this for some time now. Right now, I'm trying to let my son be his own person and respect his feelings. I don't want to pressure him into prioritizing this relationship. I've also put him in therapy to help him process everything. He's a bit apathetic about the situation, not towards me, but towards his sister. He just doesn't care anymore, which in some ways feels worse. But this is where things stand for now and we don't know what might happen in the future.

[00:19:11] I'm learning to take it one day at a time. Another commenter says to OP, your ex use your daughter's guilt about whatever happened in school as a weapon to manipulate her into staying quiet about his affair to avoid hurting you any more than her actions already had. She was a 17-year-old child being manipulated by her own father. This is entirely 100% on him. He basically told her that if she disclosed his affair, she would be responsible for your further pain and the breakup of your family.

[00:19:40] What child wouldn't fall into this trap? I hope you can find it in your heart to let this go because she bears no responsibility here. Another commenter says, your daughter needs to stop running to your ex and complaining about you. If she's really serious about regretting her actions, she would use her brain and realize who is the actual person at fault, her father. The part where you said women always hold impossible standards with other women. She's doing the same too. She's fine with her dad cheating and having a new family, but she gets angry when you do.

[00:20:10] Definitely needs therapy. A commenter quoted one of the other comments that said she was a 17-year-old child being manipulated by her own father and then says, unpopular opinion. This comment and many, many others on that sub, pretending the daughter is totally innocent of everything she did is totally ridiculous. Like for fuck's sake, she still runs off to dad to complain about OP and doesn't have remorse. Oh, and she almost bullied someone to death. People are chasticizing OP for holding other women to impossible standards, but not bullying someone half to death

[00:20:40] and covering up an affair for multiple years isn't an impossible standard to reach. Also, she's so toxic, her own brother wanted nothing to do with her. And Lazy Crocodile said, man, I'm usually very supportive and forgiving of teenagers because they really don't have the emotional regulation and good judgment needed to make good decisions in many cases. But this kid just sucks. Her dad put her in an awful situation, yes, but she bullied a kid into almost ending their life and admitted to partly hiding the affair

[00:21:10] to get back at her mom for punishing her. Wow, indeed. But now I'm gonna turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Is there a resolution to this? Many of their comments against daughter once they found out about the bullying situation and her attitude towards OP about wanting to punish her, get revenge, et cetera. But what is your thoughts on this? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. So just a huge thank you for being here today,

[00:21:39] getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. And thank you very, very much. I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.