AITA For NOT Speaking Japanese After I Lived Here For 6 Years r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] Now today's first story comes from PatientLettice3983 and is from the Am I The Arsehole subreddit and says,

[00:00:27] Am I The Arsehole for not speaking Japanese after living here for 6 years?

[00:00:33] I, 34 female, met my male 33 husband online and got married 6 years ago. I moved from my home country to live with him in Japan since then. He's Japanese and has a stable job there.

[00:00:45] On the other hand, I am a freelance illustrator so I'm okay to move here. Every day I use English with him. Maybe you notice already but English is not my first language.

[00:00:56] So it is not perfect. So is my husband's English, but at least we can communicate. I tried my best to learn Japanese to be able to communicate with his friends and family, but Japanese is not an easy language. I have to learn how to read kanji, hiragana and katakana from zero by myself.

[00:01:15] During the COVID-2020, we got money from the government and he bought me some books and dictionaries telling me to learn the language more intensively during the lockdown.

[00:01:24] He didn't teach me anything though. He said, since I could speak four languages, adding one more language should be easy for me. I tried, but it is never good enough for him.

[00:01:35] He always said, my grammar sucks, but I do always have problems with grammar. As you can see, my English grammar sucks too.

[00:01:42] He said, I should be able to speak like a native at this point. So last year, summer 2022, I decided that I would get a part-time job at a restaurant so that I can practice more of my Japanese.

[00:01:54] To my surprise, the staff there likes me and they can understand my Japanese. I also now could read and write several kanjis. I could write my own address with kanjis and read menus.

[00:02:04] Last week, we have a family dinner with his family. During the dinner, I made some grammar mistake, which was not actually quite bad because everybody still understood what I was trying to say.

[00:02:15] But my husband says in front of my family, I was stupid for not understanding the correct grammar. It makes me upset because he said it in front of everyone. So I said in English, your English is not better than me and you can't speak my language. Why did you call me stupid?

[00:02:32] He was so pissed off and won't talk to me since that day. Am I the asshole?

[00:02:38] Edit, he is not a bad guy. I love him so much. Just he is very outspoken. If he dislikes something, he would say it right away. He never comments about my body or looks, but he is very sensitive about my skill.

[00:02:51] He often criticized my art style and other skills. He said, I am lazy. There is no excuse not to master the language since I'm living here for almost six years already.

[00:03:01] Maybe this is me trying to defend myself. But last year, I got my N3 slash JLPT Japanese language proficiency test level three certification.

[00:03:12] He said it must be out of luck because my Japanese is very rough. And he said I should have gotten the level one already because I'm here for so long.

[00:03:20] Now, I just want to comment immediately on that edit. You said he's not a bad guy. You love him so much, which I'm sure you do.

[00:03:25] And you say he's just very outspoken. If he dislikes something, he'd say it right away. To me, that's just the excuse of that's just how he is, which isn't an excuse for being an arsehole.

[00:03:37] It's just as simple as that to me. You sound like you're doing absolutely amazing. And this guy doesn't help you. He doesn't support you.

[00:03:46] And he's purposely calling you out in front of everyone at a family dinner to embarrass you.

[00:03:52] And it sounds like he doesn't just do this with your language skills. He does it with your art style and other skills. That's not supportive.

[00:04:01] Sure, you're allowed to criticize things, but you do it in a way out of love and respect and support, wanting to help them, not to bring them down, which is what's happening in this.

[00:04:11] But I'm just blown away how amazing you're actually doing. You're getting a part-time in a restaurant to practice more of your Japanese and getting involved at the same time.

[00:04:20] I just think that's absolutely amazing. A commenter says to the OP, though, not the arsehole. Your husband is an a-hole, though, for sure.

[00:04:27] Even if you understand multiple languages doesn't mean learning another is any easier.

[00:04:32] He definitely should have helped you, too. I think what hindered you overall is not practicing.

[00:04:37] From the sound of it, once you got that part-time and was forced to speak more, your Japanese improved.

[00:04:43] So honestly, he should have spoken more Japanese at home.

[00:04:46] Also curious if he's making any effort to speak your native tongue.

[00:04:50] OP says he said he doesn't need to learn my native language because we don't live there.

[00:04:55] My parents don't speak English and Japanese, so I beg him to at least try to communicate with my family.

[00:05:01] But he said his brain has no capacity for that.

[00:05:03] Yeah, of course. Another commenter says,

[00:05:06] Not the arsehole. This must be incredible in some way for you to put up with this disrespect and rudeness.

[00:05:11] But I can't imagine what it is.

[00:05:13] OP says,

[00:05:14] Maybe I'm naive, but he was my first love.

[00:05:17] I love him so much.

[00:05:18] He's kind sometimes.

[00:05:20] He's just brutally honest and unforgiving when speaking his mind.

[00:05:23] Just right now, I'm actually crying because he's still not talking to me and tomorrow is my birthday.

[00:05:30] Ooh, what a arse.

[00:05:32] Some additional info, I am full Asian and sometimes mistaken as a Japanese.

[00:05:37] But aside from my husband, nobody ever complained about my Japanese.

[00:05:41] Just when I moved to Japan, they got confused a little, but if I phrased something wrong.

[00:05:46] Someone says,

[00:05:46] You do speak Japanese though, especially since people say they understand you.

[00:05:51] OP says,

[00:05:52] He always says my Japanese sounds weird whenever I try to communicate in Japanese with him.

[00:05:56] And told me, never use Japanese unless it is perfect.

[00:06:00] So that I have no confidence at all.

[00:06:02] I wait until the fifth year of living in Japan to find a part-time job because he said with my weird Japanese, I would not be able to work here.

[00:06:10] It is very straightforward.

[00:06:12] He would speak his mind even if it upsets me.

[00:06:14] I noticed since I started working, the staff and the people who come to the restaurant are really kind to me about my Japanese ability and never complaining about it.

[00:06:23] The manager even wanted me to be a full-time employee there and he always gave me a bonus every month for my hard work.

[00:06:30] But if I told my husband, he would say, that's just because most Japanese don't speak their mind.

[00:06:35] Deep inside, they think your Japanese sucks.

[00:06:39] Oh dear, what an absolute prick.

[00:06:43] Anyway, six months later, OP comes in with an update and shares their original link and then says, so we got divorced.

[00:06:50] I think about it more and more and I feel like this six years has been hell for me.

[00:06:55] I'm tired of keeping on finding any reason to think that he is good for me.

[00:06:59] I found a full-time job in a Japanese company and started working there from last January.

[00:07:04] Everybody in my new company said I speak Japanese well.

[00:07:06] And so far, I'm doing great.

[00:07:08] I rent my own apartment and surviving by my own just fine in Tokyo.

[00:07:13] Albeit my ex-husband saying that I would never be able to survive in Japan without him.

[00:07:17] I have a crush on another guy, but I take it slowly.

[00:07:20] Thank you all for your comments to me.

[00:07:22] I'm glad I posted here.

[00:07:23] Edit, I only use Japanese in the company I work now and earn almost the same amount with my ex-husband, despite just working here for four months.

[00:07:31] My crush now speaks only Japanese and we communicate just fine.

[00:07:35] I'm confident now.

[00:07:37] Another long edit.

[00:07:38] I'm surprised that I got so many responses.

[00:07:41] Thank you so much for the comment and support.

[00:07:44] Just to clarify, of course, the reason of my divorce is not only because of the language thing.

[00:07:49] I kept saying my ex was a good person.

[00:07:51] And I still think he is a good person.

[00:07:53] But he is not treating me right.

[00:07:55] There were a lot of things he had done to me that had harmed me physically and mentally.

[00:07:59] Before I was with him, I was doing modeling for a side job.

[00:08:03] I took good care of myself.

[00:08:05] But after I married him, he said my looks didn't matter.

[00:08:08] And he disliked me dressing up or putting on makeup because he thought as a married woman, I should not attract other men.

[00:08:15] I did what he wanted.

[00:08:16] And I kept telling myself, oh, this man loves me the way I am no matter how I look.

[00:08:20] But then I found out he was following sexy girls on Instagram and Twitter.

[00:08:25] He never chatted to them.

[00:08:26] So I let it slide.

[00:08:27] But I kept thinking about it, especially since he never said anything positive about my looks.

[00:08:32] Basically, he never said anything positive about my effort except for my cooking.

[00:08:36] I started to feel unconfident.

[00:08:38] I got depressed and had to take antidepressants.

[00:08:41] And I gained 20 kilos in six years.

[00:08:44] When I said he never said anything positive about my looks and effort, it didn't mean that he always said bad things about me.

[00:08:49] Just he seems to be indifferent about it.

[00:08:52] Now, after we got divorced, I don't have to take my antidepressants anymore.

[00:08:56] And I lost 15 kilos already.

[00:08:58] I'd started to talk to some guys until I met my crush right now.

[00:09:01] I was surprised because my crush now always said that I look good and nice.

[00:09:06] He noticed when I changed my hairstyle or nails, saying I smell nice and compliments me when I do good things at work.

[00:09:13] My crush works in the same company with me.

[00:09:15] The other people also said that I look super good now and I look so much happier.

[00:09:20] I want to show you pictures so you can see the difference between when I was single and married and when I became single again.

[00:09:26] But I know there is a chance some of you might recognize me and then would recognize who my ex-husband and it would cause a problem for him.

[00:09:33] Anyway, how I learn Japanese and other languages is by listening to some songs, movies or other people.

[00:09:40] Then when I can't understand some word or phrase, I would find it in a dictionary based on how I hear it.

[00:09:45] Then I have to guess how it is written so I can find the word in the dictionary slash translator.

[00:09:50] I prefer dictionary to translator though because when I open the dictionary, I will see many other words other than the one I'm looking for.

[00:09:56] And I may remember those words I accidentally find too.

[00:10:00] After I find the word and understand what it means, I will try to make a sentence with that word and use it in real conversation.

[00:10:06] Now I can already read Japanese comic books and watch movies in the cinema without much difficulty.

[00:10:12] Once again, thank you for your support.

[00:10:14] Please wish me luck for my career and my life ahead.

[00:10:18] Also for my crush, I hope it ends well.

[00:10:20] I also wish all the best for you.

[00:10:22] May you learn something from my experience and may it be useful for you or at least it could give you a good feeling when you read this update.

[00:10:28] Cheers.

[00:10:30] Cheers.

[00:10:30] Someone asked OP what other languages they speak.

[00:10:32] They said English, Indonesian, Chinese, German, Malay.

[00:10:36] And now Japanese and currently learning Spanish.

[00:10:40] Wow, that's incredible.

[00:10:42] Lucy Araia Rose who compiled this added this comment and it was in Japanese but translated it and said,

[00:10:49] Amazing.

[00:10:49] Amazing.

[00:10:49] You did your best.

[00:10:50] Even though I've lived in Japan for a long time, I often make grammar mistakes.

[00:10:54] I think it's enough if it works.

[00:10:56] Good luck in your new life.

[00:10:58] And OP responds in Japanese and says,

[00:11:01] Thank you very much.

[00:11:02] I want to see it reborn somehow.

[00:11:04] I've been really happy lately so my mental health has improved.

[00:11:08] Then five months from the original post, OP comes in with an update and says,

[00:11:12] So it has been a few months.

[00:11:14] The result of a Japanese language proficiency test I took has been announced.

[00:11:18] I passed a level two with only two mistakes.

[00:11:21] The highest is level one from five levels and I passed a level two so I'm proud of myself.

[00:11:27] My crush confessed to me and we're dating now.

[00:11:29] He's Japanese who doesn't speak English at all and he said my Japanese is perfectly fine.

[00:11:34] I met his parents and brothers last month during Obon holiday.

[00:11:38] He brought me to his home in a rural Japanese village.

[00:11:41] His family welcomes me.

[00:11:43] His family lives in a farm.

[00:11:44] They never went overseas at all and don't speak English but they welcome me nicely.

[00:11:49] I'm a divorcee and six years older than my boyfriend but they don't mind at all.

[00:11:54] The fact that I'm a foreigner also doesn't bother them.

[00:11:56] I just got a promotion at work this month which is quite rare since I've been here just for 10 months.

[00:12:02] But they said I did my best so I deserved it.

[00:12:06] I plan to move in with my boyfriend next winter.

[00:12:08] He treats me with nothing but respect.

[00:12:11] He always seems to be proud with anything that I did.

[00:12:14] He even said my Japanese accent is cute.

[00:12:16] He never scolds me in public like my ex.

[00:12:19] I told him why are you so nice and he said it is just normal behavior to someone you care about.

[00:12:25] Which makes me realize how much of an arse on my ex-husband was.

[00:12:29] About my ex-husband.

[00:12:30] He stalked my Instagram and found my post with my new boyfriend and he threatened my boyfriend but my boyfriend just blocked him.

[00:12:37] My ex's cousin who is really close to me told me that my ex posted his breakup text with his new girlfriend on Twitter and sent the screenshot to me.

[00:12:45] I read it and felt pity for whoever girl is going to be with him next because he will never change.

[00:12:51] I feel healthier, prettier and definitely happier now than ever.

[00:12:55] I don't know what will become of my new relationship but I learned a lot.

[00:12:59] I will never let anyone disrespect me and my effort.

[00:13:02] Last but not least thank you for all the comments you leave to me.

[00:13:05] It definitely helped me to clear my mind.

[00:13:08] Cheers to you all.

[00:13:09] And I'm incredibly glad to see that update for OP.

[00:13:13] It sounds like life is just so much happier now and in a much healthier headspace.

[00:13:18] I mean like some of the comments OP was putting just shows how things can be normalized for you like emotional abuse.

[00:13:26] Like she was asking her new boyfriend why are you so nice and he just said it's just normal behavior to someone you care about.

[00:13:32] And that's the realization that you know what you was going through before isn't normal.

[00:13:36] He was purposely bringing you down to make you feel small.

[00:13:40] But I'm incredibly glad that you're out of that situation now and it sounds like living your best life.

[00:13:46] Like you said it's sad isn't it?

[00:13:48] He's still out there and he's unlikely to change and he's going to meet someone else.

[00:13:52] That's likely to go through that cycle again which is incredibly sad.

[00:13:58] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:14:01] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:14:04] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:14:07] And let's move on to another story.

[00:14:11] Now our next story comes from Existing Substance 67 and says am I the asshole for punishing my foster daughter for telling the authorities my 12 year old daughter was taking drugs?

[00:14:22] I 34 female have been looking after my foster daughter Mary 13 female for over a year.

[00:14:28] Ever since her parents overdosed on drugs.

[00:14:30] Have a biological daughter Lila 12 female.

[00:14:34] Mary and Lila mostly get along or there have been some minor arguments.

[00:14:39] A few weeks ago the police came to Lila's school.

[00:14:41] Someone had sent an anonymous message to the school saying that Lila was in possession of drugs.

[00:14:46] After searching through her phone, locker and bags they realized that the drugs in question were skittles that Lila had lying around in her bag.

[00:14:57] Lila was terrified of police and was traumatized by the incident.

[00:15:01] She's a very shy, quiet girl who had a panic attack at the thought of being sent to prison.

[00:15:06] While they wouldn't reveal who told her, Lila suspected that it was Mary since she was the only one who could have sinned the skittles in her bag.

[00:15:14] Mary denied this at first but eventually she snapped under pressure and admitted it.

[00:15:19] She said she made a mistake and was scared that Lila would overdose like her parents.

[00:15:24] I know that Mary has trauma related to drugs but that's not an excuse.

[00:15:28] I've made it very clear that she can come talk to me about anything even if it involves Lila.

[00:15:34] And yet she went to school instead of telling me first.

[00:15:37] Mary said that she only went to school in case I was biased towards Lila.

[00:15:40] She knew full well the legal ramifications of her actions.

[00:15:44] Both of them could have potentially been removed from my care.

[00:15:46] I can't help but think her intentions are malicious.

[00:15:50] Skittles look absolutely nothing like drugs.

[00:15:53] She didn't even talk to me or Lila about it.

[00:15:55] She just went straight to the authorities.

[00:15:57] So I decided to ground her, stop her allowance, increase her chores and take away her electronics for the entire summer.

[00:16:04] She's still upset with me for this, saying I went too far and I was punishing her for having trauma and trying to do the right thing.

[00:16:10] But I feel like I have a duty to teach her that it's not okay to potentially get our entire family into legal trouble over a misunderstanding.

[00:16:18] Am I the arsehole?

[00:16:20] Edit.

[00:16:21] The reason I thought she had malicious intentions was because the week before,

[00:16:24] Mary coincidentally started a large argument with Lila for hanging out with Mary's crush.

[00:16:30] Lila eats candy all the time, especially Skittles.

[00:16:32] And Mary knows that Skittles are her favorite.

[00:16:35] The first commenter says I'm tempted to say you're the arsehole bordering on no one's an arsehole here.

[00:16:41] I think that Mary's reasoning is fairly sound.

[00:16:43] She's a kid who's deeply traumatized by experiences in her own life with people using drugs.

[00:16:48] And it's very, very hard for a 13-year-old to conceptualize the repercussions for something like this.

[00:16:54] If she was acting out of malice, that's one thing.

[00:16:57] But I think it's pretty hard for anyone online to be able to say if that's the case.

[00:17:01] That said, I do think your punishment is extreme.

[00:17:04] I think this is a great opportunity to have more heart-to-heart with Mary and help her learn how serious this could have been.

[00:17:10] Is she already in therapy?

[00:17:12] I assume she must be as a foster child with her history.

[00:17:15] But if not, she absolutely should be.

[00:17:18] Additionally, if Mary was exactly in that jealousy or some other feelings around your bio daughter,

[00:17:23] layering on punishments may just make that separation worse.

[00:17:27] Do they generally get along well?

[00:17:28] Are they close or more distant?

[00:17:30] Mary is going through an immense amount of loss and change.

[00:17:33] And her feelings towards your daughter are likely very complicated, even if they're generally close and friends.

[00:17:39] I think it would be reasonable to lighten up your punishments while also checking in with her more regularly

[00:17:44] and emphasizing the seriousness of the situation.

[00:17:47] Depending on the quality of your caseworkers, you may want to discuss with them as well.

[00:17:51] Neen Nitt says,

[00:17:53] How exactly is a punishment going to actively teach her how to make better, informed choices?

[00:17:58] What precisely are you punishing her for?

[00:18:00] If she actually thought there were drugs, going to her most trusted adult is the right thing.

[00:18:05] If it's a teacher or you, that is up to her.

[00:18:08] If she was malicious, that is a different story.

[00:18:11] You need to be absolutely positive, which it is before any punishment.

[00:18:14] Any punishments that actually work are logical consequences or punishments that you can sell as logically closely related

[00:18:21] and actually show them how behaving better is better and help them develop the skills to do so.

[00:18:27] Is she in therapy?

[00:18:28] Scrap all the punishments temporarily and make an appointment for the two of you to talk to the therapist about this.

[00:18:33] You're the arsehole.

[00:18:35] Something girl says,

[00:18:36] Not the arsehole.

[00:18:37] However, it sounds like Mary needs therapy and she owes Lila an apology.

[00:18:41] I think taking away her allowance and electronics is punishment enough and maybe for only a month.

[00:18:46] The whole summer is too long.

[00:18:48] I'll also say this, I don't know if Mary has been in foster care previously,

[00:18:52] but she may have decided to do this to make sure she's not sent away,

[00:18:55] which happens to foster kids all the time.

[00:18:58] You've been a good foster parent to her, so maybe once things have settled down,

[00:19:02] let her know you're glad she's staying with you and is a part of your family.

[00:19:06] So Opie then comes in with her update and says,

[00:19:08] After receiving thousands upon thousands of comments,

[00:19:11] I'd like to say that I realized my mistake.

[00:19:13] I wasn't taking into account the immense amount of trauma that Mary has gone through

[00:19:17] at such a young age and the effect it had on her actions.

[00:19:21] I had a tough but necessary conversation with both Lila and Mary.

[00:19:25] We had a heart-to-heart so that both girls could hear from each other's perspectives.

[00:19:29] What happened was,

[00:19:30] Mary found out that Lila had been hanging out with a boy that Lila knew was Mary's crush.

[00:19:35] This was also the one-year anniversary of Mary's parents' overdose,

[00:19:38] and she confessed that her grief coupled with what she interpreted as Lila's betrayal

[00:19:43] influenced what happened the following week.

[00:19:45] Mary maintains that she'd mistaken the candy for drugs,

[00:19:48] but she owned up to the fact that she notified the teachers.

[00:19:51] Not only because she was concerned for Lila's safety,

[00:19:54] but because she believed that it wasn't fair for Lila to get away unpunished for having drugs

[00:19:59] after everything that happened to Mary's parents.

[00:20:01] I know I should have been angry at Mary,

[00:20:04] but seeing the response to my initial post has opened my eyes.

[00:20:07] I've been informed that traumatized children can lose their common sense after being exposed to triggers.

[00:20:13] I assume this applies even more when it occurs around the anniversary of their trauma.

[00:20:17] And this can lead them to make decisions that may sound outlandish in any other circumstances.

[00:20:23] Decisions such as mistaking candy for drugs.

[00:20:27] Mary has had bad experiences in foster homes before.

[00:20:30] Several years before her parents' overdose,

[00:20:33] she was placed in foster care for the first time,

[00:20:35] before being reunited with her parents.

[00:20:38] She was in three different foster families,

[00:20:40] and in all of them,

[00:20:41] her foster parents favored their biological children.

[00:20:44] And they punished Mary if she told them about their bio-children misbehaving.

[00:20:48] She was terrified that I would do the same,

[00:20:50] which is why she didn't come to me first.

[00:20:53] Mary acted out of pain,

[00:20:54] and I acted out of frustration without even hearing her side of the story.

[00:20:58] I lifted Mary's punishment.

[00:21:00] At that point,

[00:21:01] we still had nearly three weeks of summer break left.

[00:21:04] Lila has forgiven Mary,

[00:21:06] and we decided to put this incident behind us.

[00:21:08] Being a foster parent can be challenging,

[00:21:10] but I'll be doing everything I can to learn from the situation

[00:21:13] and be a better mother moving forward.

[00:21:16] And many people on the back of this one suspecting that this isn't over,

[00:21:20] and just to make sure Lila is happy with Mary still after what happened.

[00:21:25] And that's not just being sort of like brushed under the carpet

[00:21:28] after what she did to Lila.

[00:21:30] But now,

[00:21:31] I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:33] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:36] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:39] Now,

[00:21:40] just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart

[00:21:41] for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:43] Your love,

[00:21:44] your support,

[00:21:44] your time,

[00:21:45] always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:47] So thank you so,

[00:21:47] so much for being involved.

[00:21:48] And hopefully,

[00:21:49] I'll see you in the next one.

[00:21:51] Take care,

[00:21:52] and much love.