Wife Went On Our Retirement Trip Without Me And Expects It All To Be Fine r/Relationships

[00:00:00] Hey, hey, WaffleGang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out

[00:00:08] some more Reddit Stories, and if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider, and I

[00:00:13] like subscribe maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:20] Now today's first story does come from a throwaway account. It's one that I believe

[00:00:24] that we have covered in the past but now has a final update attached to it as well.

[00:00:28] Look over all the usual parts of the story and if you want to skip parts timestamps

[00:00:32] are always down in the description, and along the timeline below. Thank you, it's titled,

[00:00:37] My Male 50 Wife Female 48, Abandoned Me 2 Months ago, To Find Her Self. My wife Mary's

[00:00:45] family has a history of dementia. They've had been memory issues in their mid to late

[00:00:50] 50s. A mom, grandmother and several other relatives on a mum's side have developed dementia.

[00:00:57] A mum lived with us for four years until early this year.

[00:01:01] Father is dead. Our kids are independent and out of the house. All this is in a last semester

[00:01:06] of college and the younger enlisted. The last four years were tough on us, our kids,

[00:01:12] thought to move for college but moved back for a bit during COVID and our marriage. Living

[00:01:17] with someone with dementia is brutal. We talked a lot the last year about taking the remaining

[00:01:23] college funds, our regular savings, sell or rent the house. We were ready to downsize anyway.

[00:01:29] With our jobs and travel for a year or until the money runs out, we just had to wait

[00:01:33] for a mum to move into our home. I understand their anxiety about developing dementia and

[00:01:39] I was burned out. We lived through COVID working remote, a wife working remote, a college

[00:01:44] and high school students taking remote classes and a mother-in-law with dementia and see

[00:01:48] how you hold up. Space finally opened up and we were able to move our mum into a care facility.

[00:01:54] I finally thought I had a chance to breathe. When we moved Mary's mum out, Mary's mental

[00:02:01] health took a huge downward spiral. I went from caring for a mum to caring for her. She felt

[00:02:07] guilty about putting her mum in a home and had lots of anxiety about developing dementia.

[00:02:12] Our plan was to start our travelling summer 2024. Two months ago, I get home and she's left

[00:02:19] a note. My friend calls it Exhibit A. Basically, she was going on our trip without me. She'd quit her

[00:02:26] job, took most of the savings and wasn't sure when she'd be back. Maybe a year, maybe sooner.

[00:02:32] She knew I'd understand. A location has turned off and my calls go directly to voicemail.

[00:02:38] I text the kids a picture of the note. We have our own check-in accounts for direct deposits

[00:02:43] of our paychecks but we transfer most of it into a joint account to pay the household bills and

[00:02:48] savings. We both had access to main savings account. We have joint credit cards we use for household

[00:02:55] expenses, the two cars are mortgage adjoint. We both have our own small savings accounts,

[00:03:01] our own retirement accounts, equally funded and our own credit cards for gifts and fun things.

[00:03:07] I closed all joint cards and accounts. I waited for a month to see if she'd come back,

[00:03:13] hopefully before she spent our savings. After receiving only one text the first month,

[00:03:19] I went to a lawyer. She basically said there was very little to do right now,

[00:03:24] other than change the beneficiaries of my retirement account and life insurance.

[00:03:28] She A. My wife gets nothing if I die alone while she's having our adventures.

[00:03:33] It was only a month and there was no way to serve her papers.

[00:03:37] My lawyer advised me to keep paying the mortgage in the cars. The cost of the

[00:03:42] the cost of trying to get a judge to approve the sale of joint assets was more than making payments.

[00:03:47] I didn't want to ruin my credit by letting one of our cars get repossessed,

[00:03:51] but I can't sell it because she's on the title. I get random texts and she sporadically post on

[00:03:57] Instagram. Of course she has comments turned off. I want to block her so bad, but my lawyer advised

[00:04:03] me that it's better to maintain a communication channel that's not through our kids. The last post

[00:04:09] was from Hawaii. She put in the comments how greater husband I was for Leatherna take this trip.

[00:04:15] I'm barely making it, paying two cars, a mortgage, household bills, insurance,

[00:04:20] hoping there are no emergencies because I have no savings and she's enjoying our trip.

[00:04:25] I'm so pissed at her. I helped her take care of her mum for four years and her when she

[00:04:32] fell apart after her mum moved into a memory care home and she returns the favour by abandoning me.

[00:04:38] I'll never get to take this trip and have to put off retirement. My only solace is the kids

[00:04:43] are pissed at her, but they probably forgive her eventually. Double, F her. I'm no fool.

[00:04:49] She's hooking up with guys. She looks good. She has zero problem getting men.

[00:04:53] It takes her an hour to sleep in her own house. A week later she responded that she wasn't.

[00:04:59] Sure, with a night roll emoji. I'm drinking alone on a Friday night and she's somewhere

[00:05:05] probably on a beach enjoying life. Triple, F her.

[00:05:10] Edit too. My lawyer has given me a bunch of advice and options. It was just way more than I could

[00:05:16] possibly include in this post. I could definitely push the issue harder and I might need to at some

[00:05:21] point, but all that work is very expensive. Finding her serving her, getting a judge to sign off.

[00:05:27] That's not cheap. I'm following up soon and I plan on talking about the savings and my finances.

[00:05:34] Until I paid all the bills and realised how little was left did it hit me that I had to worry

[00:05:38] about money? And my first initial thoughts after reading this is what are the daughters thinking,

[00:05:44] what's the rest of the family thinking? You know, your immediate family seeing this situation

[00:05:48] going down, do they know all the full details about this? And she really just expect

[00:05:53] into go away and then come back and everything's fine after she's basically used all your savings.

[00:06:00] But I would be did give some additional bits of information so on the situation and regarding

[00:06:05] the family knows. Opie says, everyone that matters knows. My daughter has been talking to her aunt,

[00:06:11] my wife's youngest sister a lot. I was worried about my daughter but it was tough to be there for her

[00:06:17] at the beginning. Fortunately she's always had a good relationship with all of her aunts and

[00:06:22] uncles. It's helped her to talk to people that really know her mother. My sister-in-law told

[00:06:28] her aunts and uncles and her brother. She invited us to Thanksgiving, they were tons of family from

[00:06:33] my wife's side and they always take and post tons of pictures. My family and our shared friends

[00:06:39] know I don't care about anyone else. King of Leprechaun says to Opie's in,

[00:06:44] thank you for letting her take this trip is basically her saying, when I get through living the

[00:06:48] single life, I'll be coming back to the comfort and security of married life. When she returns,

[00:06:53] I'd say welcome home, here are your walking papers. Opie says she 100% is under the delusion that

[00:06:59] she's coming back to a marriage. She said a few conversations with our daughter and she's convinced

[00:07:04] I'll understand and forgive her. Naive subject 65 says tell your daughter to pass along the message

[00:07:11] that you're filing for the divorce for abandonment and see if this gets you some traction.

[00:07:15] I don't generally like the idea of going through kids but they need to have your back on this.

[00:07:20] Maybe even tell her they cut her off as well if she keeps doing this to you and the family.

[00:07:25] Maybe even start posting about how she's living a good life and letting your friends and family know

[00:07:30] what kind of pickle this is put you in. Everyone probably assumes you're on board if you're not

[00:07:35] purposely driving the true narrative. Opie responds saying she only hears what she wants.

[00:07:41] I asked her to send me an address to server papers, she only told me that she'll work it out when

[00:07:46] she comes home. The fuck we will? My daughter tells her all the pain she's causing but she just

[00:07:51] says she only has 5-10 years left until she gets dementia. It's impossible to know she'd even

[00:07:57] develop dementia but shouldn't she be spending this time with her family. Naive subject replies

[00:08:03] that saying yeah you think she would. I still think that controlling the narrative online is

[00:08:09] necessary. It will be for that resulting from the divorce. If you don't get out in front of this

[00:08:15] informing people she actually knows other than strangers on Reddit, you'll make herself to look

[00:08:19] like she's a victim of a deranged and bitter husband. I think you'll get the most mileage by applying

[00:08:24] pressure through friends and family in the court. I know court is expensive but you're going to pay

[00:08:30] one way or the other. You might as well take the hit now. Also I'd bet a private investigator

[00:08:35] with good internet-sluiting skills could help you find a much faster than you think.

[00:08:39] She's been leaving a digital footprint since she's still posting and using her phone. It's

[00:08:43] amazing what you can find out about a person if you know how to look for the information. I don't

[00:08:48] know if it's right or wrong especially legally but getting your side out there publicly to

[00:08:54] your social media. I think that might be the right thing to do as well. We've seen in many other

[00:08:59] stories about how a narrative gets pushed a certain way if you don't speak up. I don't usually

[00:09:04] agree with posting all your stuff on Facebook or whatever socials you use. But in this particular

[00:09:11] situation when she's posting pictures of herself in Hawaii and thank my husband for all this

[00:09:17] supporting me in this when you're absolutely not. It's just that chance that it could backfire

[00:09:23] further down the line if you don't say something on it now I guess. Again, I don't know if that's

[00:09:29] wise legally or not but it certainly popped into my head but the first update comes two weeks later

[00:09:35] and says an update from my original post. I'm feeling much more positive now that the financial

[00:09:40] situation has become a little more manageable. Basically I'm running up debt that will get paid off

[00:09:45] when I sell the house. Even with lawyers fees, I have six to eight more months before I have to worry

[00:09:50] about money. Assuming there are no emergencies, my wife's friend gave me some good advice.

[00:09:56] Don't go from being a hero to a villain in your kid's eyes. I talk and treat my wife will

[00:10:01] determine my future relationship with my kids. Don't give a damn about my wife but I don't want to

[00:10:06] make her a sympathetic figure or drive them away from both of us. I followed up with a lawyer.

[00:10:11] Basically she said we're going to have a payback the saving she took through a reduction in

[00:10:16] her share of the assets. Any division of assets will include the savings she took. She'll also have

[00:10:22] to repay the money I spent maintaining the household while she was gone. There's plenty of equity in

[00:10:27] her share of the house and her retirement plans to cover that. She said that our finance is

[00:10:32] so intertwined after nearly 25 years of marriage. My wife is going to get some share of the assets.

[00:10:39] Best case is she agrees to the terms that are divorced and it's relatively cheap and quick.

[00:10:44] Otherwise, he gets complicated and expensive. She gave me a lot of option on how much I can expect

[00:10:50] to spend or I decided to just mostly wait. I've got a couple of credit card with promo rates for

[00:10:56] purchases and transfers that gives me breathing room and I can conserve cash. I'll just pay them off

[00:11:03] when I sell the house. Now that my financial situation is less stressful, I'm actually enjoying

[00:11:08] her being gone. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever. I don't have to cook or clean or take

[00:11:14] care of anyone. House is quiet for the first time I can remember. I loved my wife but a mental

[00:11:21] health way down on our marriage. On balance it was worth it until now. The first month also

[00:11:27] I expected her to be there whenever I'd get home. When someone was at the door or if I heard noises

[00:11:32] I think it was her. I check the doorbell cam obsessively. I'm not looking forward to her returning.

[00:11:39] It has to happen but when she comes back I have to deal with her, the divorce,

[00:11:43] getting the house ready to sell, dividing all our stuff, finding a new place to live.

[00:11:48] I'm hoping she'll stay away until after new years but my daughter said she thinks her mom will

[00:11:52] be home for Christmas. Either the stay or visit. My lawyer will have papers ready to serve her.

[00:11:59] Hopefully she just agreed to the terms and continue her travels.

[00:12:04] If you thought the only way to get a more defined jawline with natural looking results was through

[00:12:09] surgery, think again. Juviderm volux XC is a non-surgical injectable gel filler that improves

[00:12:15] moderate to severe loss of jawline definition and can help you achieve natural looking results

[00:12:20] with little downtime. Even better this improved definition lasts up to one year with optimal

[00:12:26] treatment. No maintenance required. Improved jawline definition for a smooth sculpted look with

[00:12:31] Juviderm volux XC. For important safety information and to find a licensed specialist visit

[00:12:37] juviderm.com. That's j-u-v-e-d-e-r-m.com. Not for people with severe allergic reactions,

[00:12:44] allergies to lidocaine or the proteins used in Juviderm. Common side effects include injection

[00:12:48] site redness, swelling, pain, tenderness, firmness, lumps, bumps, bruising, discoloration or itching.

[00:12:54] There's a risk of unintentional injection into a blood vessel which can cause vision abnormalities,

[00:12:59] blindness, stroke, temporary scabs or scarring. Talk to a licensed specialist to find out if it's right for you.

[00:13:07] People have some great advice. Renting or selling the house. Not really feasible right now since

[00:13:14] I'd have to fix them things and get stuff ready to sell and rent.

[00:13:18] Since I need a place to live, the amount I net each month, rent mortgage, rent on a new apartment,

[00:13:23] storage unit equals not worth it. My kids rooms are still full of their stuff and I don't want to

[00:13:28] spend the time and effort to clear them out and put them in storage. Getting a HE-L-O-C,

[00:13:35] I'm not sure if you pronounce that as hell or you actually just use the letters but it stands for

[00:13:40] Home Equity Line of Credit. This was great advice. I didn't realise I didn't need both people to

[00:13:47] get alone. If I need more money I can go this way. In the short term, the promo rates on the credit

[00:13:52] cards were cheaper and easier than getting a HE-L-O-C. Serving my wife to divorce papers or getting

[00:13:58] a divorce in absentia, this is something I might need to do eventually but the cost in lawyer fees

[00:14:03] goes up exponentially in cases like this. I'm comfortable just waiting for now. Look at the phone

[00:14:10] bill to see where she's at and possibly going. I did look at a usage and did notice that she

[00:14:15] doesn't post on social media until she leaves a place. Like when she posted about Hawaii,

[00:14:20] she made a call that day that originated from Los Angeles. She posted about a cruise and I figured

[00:14:24] out the dates, trying to serve her at the port possibly. But it ended a couple of days before

[00:14:29] she posted. She tried adding international calling to her line but I blocked it so she removed

[00:14:35] her phone from my account. So instead comments on that post and oh my gosh I'm infuriated on your

[00:14:40] behalf. The audacity of my husband is so grateful letting me take this trip. The petty in me hope

[00:14:46] should be home for Thanksgiving because I want her world to explode. Opie says she's told her family

[00:14:52] she won't be home for Thanksgiving. Nobody told her my daughter and I are spending thanks giving

[00:14:56] with her family though. She can see the post of us having a good time without her.

[00:15:01] Candice Austria replied to that and says, that's petty revenge that doesn't hurt anybody. I love

[00:15:06] to see it. There was a couple of like miniature updates that were two and a bit months later after

[00:15:12] those posts and says, nothing much has changed. Went to the in-laws with my daughter for Thanksgiving.

[00:15:18] It went well. Everyone was nice and tried to apologize for their sister, cousin and niece.

[00:15:23] I told him it's not their responsibility. I just appreciated them taking us in.

[00:15:28] I meant a lot to my daughter to be there. Next edit, not a text from the wife that should be in town

[00:15:33] for Christmas. Lois said the papers are ready so she can be served. It's like an early Christmas gift.

[00:15:40] But Opie's final update which comes three months after the original post and says,

[00:15:45] my wife texts me in the middle of December that she'd be home for Christmas. I told her that we,

[00:15:50] our daughter and I would be at my brothers. She obviously wasn't welcome. I'd leave her car in

[00:15:56] the driveway and the fog in the backyard. She wasn't allowed in the house unless I was there.

[00:16:01] She didn't have the keys to get in. She spent Christmas with her sister.

[00:16:05] When we got back I met with her. I decided not to be overly confrontational because

[00:16:10] I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking I cared enough to be mad.

[00:16:14] She was taking a back out how detached I was. I could tell that bothered her that

[00:16:19] I didn't show her much emotion. I just wanted her to agree to a divorce. This is a summary of

[00:16:25] several different meetings both with and without our daughter. She hasn't wanted to meet with her

[00:16:29] mum alone yet. I asked why she left without telling anyone. She said she didn't want to wait a

[00:16:36] year. She didn't want anyone talking around of it. She didn't want to work anymore.

[00:16:41] She wanted to leave before a mental health got worse. I'm sure it's mostly because she didn't

[00:16:46] want me to stop her from taking the money. She knew I would take care of everything with the kids

[00:16:50] in the house when she left. We had decided to go summer of 2024 for a few reasons.

[00:16:56] Back in everything and getting the house ready to sell was going to be a lot of work.

[00:17:00] We wanted to make sure our daughter graduated college, got a job and was settled.

[00:17:05] We wanted to make sure we had money when we got back. We wouldn't have a house, cars or jobs so

[00:17:10] we needed money because it could take months to find work and a place to live.

[00:17:14] We didn't want to have any worries or deal with a mess back home. At some point in our planning

[00:17:19] she began questioning who herself, not me, if she ever wanted to go back to our old life.

[00:17:26] She didn't want to work full time or buy a house or stay in one place after we got back.

[00:17:31] She wasn't sure what she wanted but she didn't think she would figure it out,

[00:17:34] walking to me. I told her that's the reason we were taking the trip.

[00:17:38] We figured those things out together. To see what we wanted for the next part of our life.

[00:17:43] I asked her why she didn't want to get to divorce before she left and she wouldn't have

[00:17:47] had to do any of this behind our backs and she would have had plenty of money without stealing

[00:17:51] our joint savings. She claimed she didn't want to divorce. She wanted us to live whatever life

[00:17:57] she figured out. I told her that's not how marriages work, one person deciding for the other.

[00:18:03] In talking and texting our daughter, her family, my texts and voicemails, she realized I might not

[00:18:08] forgive her. She was right about that so she might have to visualize a future without me.

[00:18:14] This is where I hoped that she would say some stupid shit like she was going to squander all

[00:18:19] her money living in a van and make travel vlogs or met some guy that she needed to wire money to

[00:18:24] so they could open an ice cream shop in Alaska. Instead, she wants to be a digital nomad,

[00:18:30] working part-time fully remote and living in new places. She tried to convince me to go with her

[00:18:36] but I'll never be able to trust her. Plus, I don't love her anymore.

[00:18:41] Travelling like that for a few years doesn't sound bad but she doesn't have a job or any work lined

[00:18:47] up. She's not in her 20s and that way of living will get old quick. No close friends, no family.

[00:18:53] I want her to make it work so she won't be here trying to get back into our lives.

[00:18:58] How are the kids doing? Our son wouldn't have seen us the entire time she was gone away.

[00:19:04] He only responds to her with very short texts. He told me she wanted to see him but he said he was too

[00:19:09] busy and wouldn't be able to get away. He lives in the barrack so it's an easy excuse to avoid her.

[00:19:15] My daughter stopped talking and texting her. She's pretty upset. A worry turned to anger when she

[00:19:20] realized her mum wasn't having a mental breakdown but was just being selfish. If her mum was

[00:19:25] sticking around they probably could work through it eventually. I just care that my daughter is happy

[00:19:30] so whatever she decides, I'll support. 2. Did she spend all the money? About half. I think she

[00:19:38] realized she needed to figure it out before she completely ran out of money. 3. Did she sleep with

[00:19:44] anyone? I didn't ask because I didn't care. Asking him would imply I wanted her back or it would

[00:19:50] matter. Even though I didn't ask she claimed she didn't, not sure if she's lying or not.

[00:19:56] She might be just saying that because she doesn't want the kids to have another reason to be mad at

[00:20:00] her. 4. Does she feel bad for what she put us through? She claimed she does and she wishes

[00:20:06] she'd handled it differently. She said getting away and figuring herself out was best for her.

[00:20:12] 4. I told her she was just being selfish. When she first left we were worried something would

[00:20:18] happen to her and we would never see her again. She's always been self-centered. I told her she's

[00:20:23] taken the easy route in letting everyone else handle the difficult part. If she gets sick,

[00:20:29] kids will take care of her. Those broke, live with family, abandoned everyone,

[00:20:34] don't forgive her. She thinks her siblings and our children will let her live with them like we let

[00:20:39] her mum live with us. I'm sure when she visualises her future, she sees our kids there. They might

[00:20:45] not be and definitely not in the same way they were before. Despite how it might sound, I'm actually

[00:20:51] really happy with how it all turned out. Our divorce is far from the final but we've agreed on

[00:20:56] the big things. For sale of the house, I'll just split the retirement and profit from the house.

[00:21:02] I'll to pay back the money she took and what I spent maintaining the household. I got most

[00:21:07] of what I wanted from the settlement and she'll soon be mostly out of my life. I won't have to

[00:21:14] pay Alamoni and because she's choosing to make significantly less money than she was, I won't be

[00:21:19] forced to support her. That would have been a kick to the teeth. She isn't my responsibility anymore

[00:21:26] and I won't have to care for her if she gets sick or goes broke. I figured I'd start dating again.

[00:21:32] I didn't realise a 50 year old man with children out of the house, a good job and in decent shape

[00:21:37] would be a catch. I'm not fighting women off with a stick but I've had a lot more interest than

[00:21:42] I expected. She's been kind of nice meeting new women. I've worked out the numbers and I've

[00:21:47] been pretty well after everything is settled and I only have to support myself. Not where I wanted

[00:21:53] to be, if D, getting divorced and using Reddit as free therapy sessions but I'm happy in now

[00:22:00] than I've been in a while. I'm even planning a little vacation on my own. P.S. Thank you to everyone

[00:22:06] that has responded and reached out. It meant a lot.

[00:22:13] So, a commenter said Detective Sudden 281 says, I predict she'll be back when she starts having

[00:22:18] health problems or runs out of money. It only took her a year to burn through half of your life

[00:22:23] savings. She had burned through whatever she gets from the divorce for four or five years

[00:22:27] around. I know some actual digital nomads. All that I'm highly skilled in some sort after

[00:22:33] Techfield are famous media personalities or sex workers. If you're soon to be ex-wife isn't

[00:22:39] any of those, just soon run to ground somewhere. People this selfish can literally not conceive

[00:22:45] of a world where they're not the main character and everyone drops whatever they are doing to help

[00:22:49] them. And another commenter says, Sir, you are a catch. If you're in information, don't date anyone

[00:22:55] under 30. She has to do a new life. I hope you're response saying, I just recently got everyone out

[00:23:01] of the house. I'm not dating anyone that has young kids or wants kids. Not that it was a matter

[00:23:06] if they did. I took care of that a while back. And although it's just like an incredibly sad situation

[00:23:13] for OP to have gone through all of that, just the mental load that must have had constantly thinking

[00:23:21] about how to deal with this situation, the legal stuff, the house, the money, what your future looks

[00:23:29] like. It must be just absolutely draining and fewer children as well. I hope they receive some

[00:23:35] help from what they're going through at the same time. And I'm glad that OP's believing in

[00:23:41] themselves and it sounds like they're going to have a pretty positive future. Obviously, it's

[00:23:45] going to take some time as always with these things but fair play to them. There was people

[00:23:50] questioning about the wife's mental state in this. Was it just selfish, narcissistic behaviour?

[00:23:57] Or was there something more mentally going on? I'm not saying the mentor obviously but

[00:24:01] because it just wasn't rational behaviour. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us

[00:24:08] know your thoughts down in the comments below. I just thank you for the part of my heart for

[00:24:13] getting involved in today's stories. You'll love your support, your time. Always means the absolute

[00:24:18] world to me. So thank you so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:24:23] Take care and much love.