Told My Wife We Can Adopt Her 2 Nephews But Not Her Niece r/Relationships

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[00:00:51] Much love guys.

[00:00:52] Now today's first story comes from own Antelope3340 and says, I am the arsehole for telling

[00:00:58] my wife we can adopt her nephews but not her niece.

[00:01:05] My wife's sister was recently found guilty of dealing to support her habit.

[00:01:10] She will be sentenced this week and is looking toward a long term because this is not a first

[00:01:15] time court dealing.

[00:01:17] She has three children, two boys four and five and a girl 14.

[00:01:23] No one on her family size wants to or are in a position to take the children except

[00:01:27] for me and my wife.

[00:01:29] However, I'm demanding two conditions.

[00:01:33] If we're going to take the children in, I want us to adopt them.

[00:01:36] I don't want 50 people looking over our shoulders trying to tell us what to do.

[00:01:41] If we're going to be legally responsible for them, I want to be able to parent them

[00:01:45] as we see fit.

[00:01:47] The second condition is that I'm willing to take the two boys but not the girl.

[00:01:51] The two boys have not had any rules in their lives in their terrors but they're

[00:01:55] still young and can be taught right from wrong.

[00:01:58] The girl has gone past the point of no return.

[00:02:01] She's been suspended from school several times for things like fighting and smoking

[00:02:05] illegal substances on school grounds.

[00:02:08] She once dated a 22 year old with her mum's approval and they lived in the same apartment.

[00:02:13] That didn't last long and now she's dating an 18 year old who is a gang member.

[00:02:18] He was arrested when he was 14 on a home invasion charge but was released because it was

[00:02:23] his first time arrested at his age.

[00:02:26] This is a mess and we've been arguing about it for an entire week.

[00:02:30] I don't want to risk our financial and personal security but my wife argued that

[00:02:34] we can't just throw her away.

[00:02:37] At this point, we're not even sleeping in the same bed but I'm not willing to

[00:02:41] open our house to the girl and her lifestyle.

[00:02:45] So OP added their first update but it was just extra info.

[00:02:48] They said I left out a lot of info because I was still in shock and still am.

[00:02:52] We're both in our late 20s, been married for a little over two years and have no kids.

[00:02:58] I just graduated with my advanced degree last year.

[00:03:02] Last month we were talking about maybe having kids when we're in our mid 30s and about

[00:03:06] where we want to go on our Christmas vacation.

[00:03:09] Last week my wife came home sat me down and told me we're taking in three kids.

[00:03:14] I know nothing about adoption laws, CPS or anything related to raising children,

[00:03:19] much less trouble children.

[00:03:21] I knew what was going on with her sister and was told my wife's parents were going to

[00:03:25] take the kids in.

[00:03:26] Apparently they decided they are too old to take care of three kids.

[00:03:30] Of everyone in the family, we are the most financially secure and have a house so

[00:03:35] when everyone backed out she volunteered without asking me.

[00:03:39] That was the crux of our argument until I realized that it's happening

[00:03:42] with or without my agreement.

[00:03:44] That's when I told her we can take the boys but not the girl which started

[00:03:48] another round of arguments.

[00:03:50] I've never raised any kids so I know I can't deal with the baggage that the girl

[00:03:54] will bring into our lives.

[00:03:55] I can't begin to tell you all how shocking the whole thing is.

[00:03:59] Sometimes I feel like I'm outside watching my life spin out of control.

[00:04:04] I want to thank you all for your insights and especially but, but, but, but, but

[00:04:09] which is another user and the people working in CPS and or the legal system.

[00:04:14] Your advice is extremely helpful.

[00:04:17] And we're going to cover but, but, but, but comment first which says as a social

[00:04:22] worker for CPS cautious no one's an asshole here.

[00:04:26] But you need to tread carefully because your demands may not line up with reality.

[00:04:30] Four and five year olds raised in a chaotic and traumatizing environment will absolutely

[00:04:34] have some behavioral problems which you are relating to running wild.

[00:04:39] It may not be as easy to fix.

[00:04:41] They will need extensive therapy.

[00:04:43] Whether you adopt them or not will be up to you.

[00:04:46] You can ask it but you won't be able to demand it nor expect it.

[00:04:50] It will be the choice of a judge based on how much or little the parents comply with

[00:04:55] CPS requirements, how long the prison term is, etc.

[00:04:59] I would expect that you'll be fostering the kids for a minimum of 12 months before

[00:05:03] you're allowed to start the adoption procedures depending on where you live.

[00:05:07] And yes, the courts and social workers will be up your ass during that time and

[00:05:11] six months after the adoption takes place.

[00:05:13] You need to think about that as a reality before committing to these kids.

[00:05:18] Signing adoption papers as soon as they come to your home will not be an option.

[00:05:21] Let's both parents agree, clear it with a judge, lawyers,

[00:05:25] psycho-vowels, etc.

[00:05:26] It just won't happen that way.

[00:05:29] Where I disagree with most redditors though is about taking in the 14 year old

[00:05:33] being inappropriate.

[00:05:35] If you do not feel you can care for her, you shouldn't.

[00:05:38] But that shouldn't stop you from being a resource for the two kids that

[00:05:41] you are capable of protecting.

[00:05:43] I've been a long-term foster parent for children of friends and family and

[00:05:46] have done short term foster care for the kids in my office.

[00:05:50] Anywhere from newborn to 17, a 14 year old with gang affiliation,

[00:05:54] substance use, major trauma and behavioral concerns is not something

[00:05:59] most people with good intentions are equipped for.

[00:06:01] You can't just love and therapy all those issues away.

[00:06:05] This kid sounds like she needs a higher level of care than you're

[00:06:07] equipped for.

[00:06:09] She needs an experienced parent with trauma informed skills and

[00:06:13] a ton of one-on-one attention.

[00:06:15] You aren't an asshole for having this boundary and understanding your

[00:06:18] limitations that any social worker would tell you that.

[00:06:22] But do be prepared that taking the boys will not be as easy as you

[00:06:26] imagine and you will not be able to demand adoption.

[00:06:29] If you take them, it will be a trial run, heavily supervised and

[00:06:33] maybe adoption happens later.

[00:06:35] Reconsider your plans based on that knowledge and decide if you are still

[00:06:39] willing and call your social worker.

[00:06:43] You may not be interested at all once you see what the plan will look like.

[00:06:47] And one of the things that I really enjoy in such a tragic and sad

[00:06:54] situation is when people come in with knowledgeable comments like that.

[00:06:58] I know I myself, I get emotional and wrapped up in what lives these

[00:07:06] children will have if they've got no support, especially the girl.

[00:07:11] I mean, what life is she going to have for her future?

[00:07:13] But at the same time, that comment just really puts it out there.

[00:07:17] Like if you're not equipped to deal with it, you could potentially

[00:07:20] just be doing more damage than good.

[00:07:22] Your life as well.

[00:07:23] Incredibly sad, but it's the reality.

[00:07:26] But OP does come in with her update and says it's been a while

[00:07:30] and I decided to update since I saw some people are still reading

[00:07:33] my post and asking about my situation.

[00:07:36] I ended up leaving the house and talking to an attorney.

[00:07:39] Originally, I just wanted to insulate myself and my assets from any

[00:07:43] damages that might be caused.

[00:07:45] However, after talking to her about our state laws and talking to my family,

[00:07:49] I moved out and filed for divorce.

[00:07:52] I still love my ex and knew she'll be financially strapped

[00:07:55] taking care of three kids.

[00:07:56] So I signed the house over to her.

[00:07:58] So at least she'll always have a roof over her head.

[00:08:01] I don't know the exact details, but the following is what I heard through friends.

[00:08:05] One, my ex got temporary guardianship with the kids.

[00:08:09] Two, she moved the kids in and registered them at the local schools.

[00:08:12] The niece was suspended several times.

[00:08:15] Three, my ex and her niece got into some heated arguments about her skipping school

[00:08:19] and led them boys into the house while the ex was at work.

[00:08:22] Four, the niece and her friends cleaned the house of all valuables one day

[00:08:27] while my ex was at work and they left.

[00:08:29] No one knows where she's at.

[00:08:31] Five, a family thinks I'm the devil

[00:08:33] and things would have gone much smoother if I stayed and helped her.

[00:08:37] Apparently, her father and male cousins will rip my head off

[00:08:39] if we ever run into each other.

[00:08:41] Opie then responds to another user and says

[00:08:43] that's one of the main reasons why I ultimately left.

[00:08:47] The three kids in the house,

[00:08:48] I figured my chance of having our children went down to zero.

[00:08:52] I know it sounds selfish, but I want my own children.

[00:08:57] What the father wants to and the cousins want to rip Opie apart.

[00:09:03] Yet they've contributed nothing to those children's lives whatsoever,

[00:09:07] just cause damage.

[00:09:08] Wow.

[00:09:10] And as sad as the whole situation is,

[00:09:13] I think I understand where Opie is coming from in this,

[00:09:15] you know, it absolutely breaks my heart for those children,

[00:09:19] the daughter included.

[00:09:21] And that's not agreeing with like any of the shit

[00:09:24] that she might be doing right now, but she's clearly in need of some

[00:09:28] some help, you know, all the children will be, I imagine,

[00:09:31] like some of the commenters said, and I hope one day that they really do

[00:09:36] do get that help that they need.

[00:09:37] Otherwise, what chance do they have?

[00:09:39] And I just that absolutely breaks my heart for him.

[00:09:42] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:09:45] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:09:48] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:09:51] And let's move on to another story.

[00:09:54] Now, this story comes from Jazz like knows 4307

[00:09:59] from the Am I the asshole here subreddit that says,

[00:10:01] would I be the asshole here for leaving the relationship without

[00:10:04] fighting for it after girlfriend suggested an open relationship

[00:10:09] going to keep it really short without details.

[00:10:12] I, 27 male, have been together with my girlfriend,

[00:10:15] 27 female for three years, stable relationship and no red flags from my point of view.

[00:10:21] Last Saturday, she asked for an open relationship.

[00:10:25] A reasoning was we did not get to enjoy ourselves in the past

[00:10:29] and it could help us strengthen intimacy and love.

[00:10:32] I rejected it and she seemed unhappy after that.

[00:10:35] I'm not going to lie.

[00:10:37] An open relationship suggestion out of nowhere is a huge red flag for me.

[00:10:41] It means probably there is someone else she has in mind already.

[00:10:46] I have been cheated on in the past and made it very clear

[00:10:49] that I want a monogamous relationship before being exclusive.

[00:10:53] A suggestion made me mental for a few days.

[00:10:56] I want to break up with her.

[00:10:58] I do love her, but she opened Pandora's box

[00:11:01] and I'm not sure if I can trust her in that relationship

[00:11:04] will not be healthy for both sides.

[00:11:07] Would I be the asshole here

[00:11:08] if I leave the relationship without trying to salvage it?

[00:11:11] I tried saving my old relationship

[00:11:13] when there were trust issues and it did not work.

[00:11:16] I just do not want to harm my psychology struggling.

[00:11:20] At the same time, I doubt myself because I love her

[00:11:23] and it's a three year old relationship.

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[00:12:40] And in the comments we'll start with electronic fox

[00:12:42] who says salvage what exactly?

[00:12:44] You wanted monogamy, express your wishes

[00:12:46] and she counted it with an open relationship.

[00:12:49] Dude, there's nothing to salvage.

[00:12:51] You would not be the asshole for walking away.

[00:12:55] This is not me says, you would not be the asshole.

[00:12:58] Open relationships suggestions like that

[00:13:00] out of the blue are usually as you said

[00:13:02] because they found someone they want to sleep with

[00:13:04] or because they've already cheated

[00:13:06] and they're trying to find a way to make it okay.

[00:13:08] She's talking straight bullshit about strengthening,

[00:13:11] intimacy and love.

[00:13:13] Open relationships are a huge strain

[00:13:15] on both of those things.

[00:13:17] Regardless time to move on, don't fight for it.

[00:13:19] Just move on to someone you can trust.

[00:13:22] Next comment says not the asshole in quotes.

[00:13:24] I'm not gonna lie an open relationship

[00:13:26] out of nowhere is a huge red flag for me

[00:13:29] and means probably there is someone else

[00:13:30] she has in mind already and says, yeah, granted.

[00:13:33] Reddit is just about my only lens into this issue

[00:13:36] but this has never been a success story

[00:13:38] when the suggestion comes out of the blue

[00:13:40] in a previously monogamous relationship.

[00:13:43] What I get a kick out of Reddit threads

[00:13:45] where one partner reluctantly agrees

[00:13:47] to the other partner suggestion for an open relationship

[00:13:49] but the former winds up having a lot more fun than the latter

[00:13:53] and the instigating partner gets bent out of shape

[00:13:55] and says, let's close the relationship again.

[00:13:59] And a final comment from Bazel who says not the asshole.

[00:14:01] Bro, this internet stranger is so flipping proud of you

[00:14:05] for being strong enough to see this

[00:14:06] for the psychological nuclear bomb

[00:14:08] that it totally would become.

[00:14:10] It sounds like you really learned

[00:14:12] and grew quite a bit from your previous relationship.

[00:14:14] Now get the fuck out and stay strong.

[00:14:17] It sounds like you really do care about it

[00:14:18] so get ready for when she is crying her eyes out

[00:14:21] talking about how sorry she is for making the mistake

[00:14:23] she made asking for this.

[00:14:26] So, Opie did update the post and says,

[00:14:28] I made a post two days ago

[00:14:30] about my relationship situation on this subreddit.

[00:14:33] I want to thank everyone.

[00:14:34] I took my time reading most of these comments

[00:14:36] and there were some really useful advices.

[00:14:39] I talked to her yesterday and broke up with her.

[00:14:42] I told her I thought about her proposal

[00:14:44] and wanted to ask her a question.

[00:14:46] I basically asked why she proposed

[00:14:48] going open relationship out of nowhere.

[00:14:50] She said she heard it from her friends

[00:14:52] and would like to try to strengthen our relationship.

[00:14:55] I asked her if she had someone in mind already.

[00:14:58] She said no.

[00:14:59] I thanked her for her answers

[00:15:00] but stated I want a strictly monogamous relationship.

[00:15:04] Also, I told her how my trust

[00:15:06] for the relationship was shaken after her proposal

[00:15:09] and I want to break up with her.

[00:15:10] Wished her the best and prepared to leave the table.

[00:15:13] She got angry, a bit too angry at me.

[00:15:16] She called me insecure

[00:15:18] and called me every name possible in the book.

[00:15:21] I left the table quickly after hearing these

[00:15:23] and went back home.

[00:15:24] She started calling me, texting me in an angry tone

[00:15:27] and I just had to block her.

[00:15:29] We both live with our family so break up was quickly done.

[00:15:32] No need to take my belongings

[00:15:33] from the shared home or anything.

[00:15:36] There is no problem until here.

[00:15:38] Today, a friend told me she saw her

[00:15:40] with a male coworker the same night

[00:15:42] and asked me if I knew it.

[00:15:44] I told her we broke up yesterday.

[00:15:46] So yes, she definitely had someone in mind.

[00:15:49] It does not hurt as much as I thought it would.

[00:15:52] Maybe it's because I was ready for such a thing.

[00:15:54] Maybe my mentality changed

[00:15:56] after the last time I got cheated on.

[00:15:58] My mindset is all about moving on

[00:16:00] and not worrying about things I cannot control anymore.

[00:16:03] She's been cheating during the relationship or not.

[00:16:06] I do not care to know.

[00:16:08] All I can do is move on and live my best life.

[00:16:11] I have a trip to South Korea this month

[00:16:13] and I want to enjoy it.

[00:16:15] Thanks for all the advice, Reddit.

[00:16:16] Take care.

[00:16:19] I'm not sure what her logic was

[00:16:21] in strengthening the relationship

[00:16:25] and the way that she flips out on Opie at the end

[00:16:27] just confirmed it all really didn't it?

[00:16:29] We see that time and time again

[00:16:30] in these kind of stories

[00:16:31] that once they make a stand against their partner

[00:16:35] but they start getting aggressive

[00:16:37] Opie did absolutely the right thing in this situation

[00:16:39] and I hope that they do enjoy their trip

[00:16:41] to South Korea and continue to live their best life.

[00:16:44] They sound like they got a pretty strong mindset from this

[00:16:47] but what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:16:50] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:16:53] and let's move on to another story with an update

[00:16:57] from Puzzleheadedidea236

[00:16:59] and says, I'm either asshole or telling my husband

[00:17:02] I hate his most beloved hobby.

[00:17:06] I am sick of hearing about the NFL Draft.

[00:17:09] For years my husband was a casual fan

[00:17:12] and I've been a pretty good sport

[00:17:13] about football season dominating our Sundays.

[00:17:17] However, this has changed drastically since COVID.

[00:17:20] Three years ago he started watching this Brett Coleman guy

[00:17:24] and he's become obsessed with the draft.

[00:17:26] I haven't talked this much about college football

[00:17:28] since he graduated years ago.

[00:17:31] He has this giant dryer raiseboard in our bedroom

[00:17:34] that he calls his big board.

[00:17:36] It's ridiculous.

[00:17:37] At first I was supportive and let him rant

[00:17:39] and explain what the draft was all about

[00:17:41] but I'm so sick of hearing about it.

[00:17:44] He raves about PFF,

[00:17:46] which quick Google says pro football focus,

[00:17:49] like they're the great gospel,

[00:17:50] but good grief.

[00:17:52] He's always in his man cave evaluating players

[00:17:55] like he's an owner of a team.

[00:17:57] Feels like fantasy football year round

[00:17:59] that has absolutely wrecked our relationship

[00:18:02] as he spends hours watching football plays

[00:18:04] and people talk about football plays.

[00:18:07] He can't even stop talking about it

[00:18:08] when we're in a public restaurant.

[00:18:10] He's constantly quizzing waiters

[00:18:12] and waitresses about their football knowledge

[00:18:14] and it's embarrassing.

[00:18:15] Heaven forbid he sees someone at our local park

[00:18:18] with a football shirt or hat.

[00:18:20] He becomes insufferable.

[00:18:22] We went to my niece's spring soccer game

[00:18:25] and he went off with the other dads

[00:18:26] to talk about football.

[00:18:28] My goodness.

[00:18:30] There was always there some comments and replies

[00:18:32] gotta know your CKNs as not the asshole.

[00:18:34] It's okay to have something you're passionate about

[00:18:36] but if it's obsessive to a point

[00:18:38] where there is nothing else you can talk about,

[00:18:40] that's a problem.

[00:18:42] It sounds like he's obsessing over football

[00:18:44] and impacting nearly all his relationships.

[00:18:46] God, even wait staff aren't exempt.

[00:18:49] Does he just randomly start talking about it?

[00:18:52] Why does he feel the need to quiz people?

[00:18:54] Obi says thank you.

[00:18:56] Something you said has sat with me today.

[00:18:58] In fact, after reflecting,

[00:18:59] I suppose really the only relationship

[00:19:02] that has suffered due to this whole thing is me.

[00:19:04] My father loves it.

[00:19:05] My brother loves talking to him.

[00:19:07] He's a sweet man

[00:19:08] which is why I married him in the first place.

[00:19:11] I guess maybe I might be overreacting

[00:19:13] due to the fact that it's draft season.

[00:19:16] The draft is Thursday

[00:19:17] and I'm going to try and watch it with him.

[00:19:20] And apparently this Brett Coleman turns up

[00:19:23] in the comments as well

[00:19:24] and he's got his own podcast about it

[00:19:26] and says hi, I'm actually Brett Coleman.

[00:19:29] This is my real Reddit account.

[00:19:31] Please tell your husband that I say hi

[00:19:32] and I'm also sorry for ruining your marriage

[00:19:35] but seriously though,

[00:19:36] please tell him I said hi

[00:19:37] and that I appreciate him.

[00:19:39] Obi says hello Brett,

[00:19:40] if this is really you,

[00:19:42] it's a pleasure to meet you.

[00:19:43] The community has been very kind to my husband

[00:19:45] and I'm grateful for you giving my husband this joy.

[00:19:48] He doesn't have Reddit

[00:19:49] but he was ecstatic to hear that you reached out.

[00:19:52] I'm going to need to make a few of your world famous beverages

[00:19:55] this Thursday to Saturday

[00:19:56] but no divorce is on the table right now.

[00:19:59] Brett replies saying,

[00:20:01] you guys sound like a lovely couple.

[00:20:03] Let him know if he's ever near LA

[00:20:04] hit me up and we go grab a beer

[00:20:06] and talk football to give you the night off

[00:20:09] or if he's near KC this week,

[00:20:10] I'll be there for the draft.

[00:20:12] Obi says, well thank you.

[00:20:14] That's a very kind gesture.

[00:20:16] We're going to watch the first round together.

[00:20:18] So we'll see how that goes.

[00:20:20] And I think I agree with the first comment,

[00:20:21] you know it's absolutely fine

[00:20:24] to have something that you're passionate about

[00:20:25] a hobby or whatever.

[00:20:27] We've all got those sort of things right?

[00:20:29] I'm certainly one of these people

[00:20:32] have many different hobbies

[00:20:33] and things that I get into

[00:20:35] and I'm really passionate about

[00:20:36] like talking randomly at people about them.

[00:20:39] At the same time, I wouldn't talk

[00:20:41] at random people about it

[00:20:42] who's not interested in quiz them about it either.

[00:20:45] You know, it's a sort of read the room situation.

[00:20:48] And if it got to the point

[00:20:49] it was damaging your relationship in.

[00:20:51] Yeah, I get it.

[00:20:52] That could be a concern right?

[00:20:53] Although opium in the comments

[00:20:55] seem to say themselves

[00:20:56] that maybe they're overreacting to this situation

[00:20:58] but let's find out.

[00:21:00] OPI did update the post

[00:21:02] and they said,

[00:21:02] my husband and I have had some good conversations

[00:21:05] he is willing to compromise with me.

[00:21:07] I do think I may have overreacted slightly.

[00:21:11] I'm going to get him some recording equipment

[00:21:13] for his birthday so he can start a YouTube channel

[00:21:16] which we both agree will be a good outlet.

[00:21:19] Thank you to everyone for your comments.

[00:21:21] We'll see how this goes

[00:21:22] after the draft is over Saturday.

[00:21:25] And I found that to be a sweet little update

[00:21:28] that you know,

[00:21:30] OPI is trying to get involved with her husband

[00:21:32] and you know, take interest in what they're doing

[00:21:34] but also giving them an outlet

[00:21:36] because you know, it can be overwhelming

[00:21:37] if you're not that interested in it at the same time.

[00:21:39] So giving him an outlet like YouTube

[00:21:41] which has been amazing for myself as well.

[00:21:44] I've learned a lot about myself.

[00:21:45] I've learned so much about mental health

[00:21:48] and relationship, not all good by the way.

[00:21:50] It's through reading these stories

[00:21:52] that I've realized how weird some of the relationships

[00:21:56] that I had when I was younger

[00:21:57] in the area that I used to live.

[00:21:59] I learned all about that and shared them with you.

[00:22:03] I've talked about my grief,

[00:22:05] I've talked about my depression.

[00:22:07] It's been such an amazing outlet

[00:22:08] and there's so many supportive people out there as well.

[00:22:12] Not all the time of course,

[00:22:13] you get some people that's not so supportive

[00:22:16] but the majority of people within our community

[00:22:19] has been absolutely so loving.

[00:22:21] So I can totally get what OPI is coming from

[00:22:24] when this recording stuff and you know,

[00:22:27] an outlet for him.

[00:22:28] I think it would be pretty amazing

[00:22:29] but what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:22:33] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:22:36] And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart

[00:22:39] for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:22:41] Your love, your support, your time

[00:22:43] always means the absolute world to me.

[00:22:44] So thank you so, so much

[00:22:46] and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:22:49] Take care and much love.

[00:22:57] Thank you.

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