Sister Eloped With Her Partner And BLOCKED US ALL And Now She Wants To Know Me Again | r/AITAH

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00] Now today's first story comes from Substantial by 4881 from the am I the arseholehere subreddit and it says, am I the arsehole here for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago. Apologies in advance if this post seems disorganized. My head is still reeling from all this. Nine years ago, I was 18 then, my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents were an immigrant family.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00] We're vehemently opposed to her relationship. I remember me being okay with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut all of the contact with us. My parents were besides themselves. I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her. They said she didn't know where she lived now but she had told them she was happy. She'd also left her workplace. Eventually we all went to her.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00] Me and my parents came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here and I blocked her everywhere too. I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place I can't remember the last time she crossed her mind. Yesterday, my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me. I hugged her back initially too.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00] I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything and asked her why she was here and who had given her my address. She said she had swore to them that she wouldn't tell.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00] I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too. She said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her. Why was she here? She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00] I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left. She told me she was sorry she had hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start. Told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece. They weren't there at the time. They were at their father's. They recently divorced. She acted surprised that I wouldn't know. She said she had told someone to tell our parents about them. Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that frustrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could have found lasting happiness.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00] I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together. She wanted to know all about what I'd been up to. I told her it'd be best if we continued to have no contact. She didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family. We'd mourned her already, and we were now strangers. She was tearful. She gave me her address and phone number and left. Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00] She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didn't know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped, but I still wanted to know here. Am I the asshole? Based on the initial question, am I the asshole for telling my sister we're strangers after all this happened? Absolutely not. Of course, this is going to be a really painful and shitty situation for you, and of course, I don't think you're the asshole here.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_00] They're your feelings. This is how you feel about it. Your sister made the choices that hurt you, because it's one thing to elope and distance yourself from someone that's hurting you, i.e. the parents in this case, who it sounds like something was going on with him. That's absolutely her right to do so. But she also blocked you when you was also trying to reach out. I'm guessing there could be worry that, you know, you was going to feed information back to the parents to reveal their whereabouts, etc.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00] But there was no discussion around that at the same time. You were just blocked. So that's going to be confusing and really painful for you. Of course it is. If one of my brothers did that to me, I would absolutely be heartbroken. And what was it? Nine years before she got back in contact with you again. You know, that's a long time. And now she's back because of her marriage ending. You know, the timing there is a bit sus in itself. There could be other paths in this as well.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00] Did her partner make her cut off her family at that initial time? Again, it doesn't take away from OP's feelings, of course. And I think it's easy for the girlfriend to say, you know, she's still your sister, etc. But she's not the one who's had to go through the lived experience you have, the years of wondering about your sister. I know you said, you know, you sort of got her out of your mind. But I imagine there's still times where, you know, she popped up here and there. But a commenter says to OP, what are your parents' thoughts?

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00] How do they feel about potential reconciliation? OP says, I haven't told them about this. I don't see the point, I guess. They made their peace with her absence a while back. We all did. Commodore says, what is it that you want to achieve? This is crucial to answering the question. OP says, I don't know. I really had it internalized that I'd never see her again. I remember the hurt I had felt at the time. I don't want to lose my headspace and I don't want to act like everything I went through was okay.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00] That it shouldn't have any meaning or consequences. And of course, I want her and her kids to be safe and happy too. Commodore says, did she even apologize? Or did she do the classic? It's such a long time ago. You should be over it by now move. If there's no sincerity, there's no trust that she won't ghost you again. She owes you a full and frank conversation about what happened, her actions, her motivations, and why she continued to block you. Without that, you really have nothing to work with.

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_00] Good luck. OP says she did apologize. She said she was sorry that she had cut me off. That she never meant for us to lose touch. Her beef was with our parents only. I brought up that she blocked me everywhere. And she was just sobbing and apologizing. They also remember me begging her best friends for info. And them saying they had no idea. Which I've always suspected was them lying because she asked them to. Commodore says not the arsehole.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00] She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her. I'm guessing she decided now is a good time because she's getting divorced and in essence needs something. Time, attention, connection from you. Ask yourself if she weren't getting divorced. Would she have reached out? You need to figure out who shared your address with her.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00] But OP responds saying I hadn't thought of this and I've been feeling sick thinking this might be true since I read this. That she wouldn't have ever reached out if she hadn't gotten divorced. Would have been fine without ever seeing me again. Although she didn't ask for anything material during our interaction I guess. She wanted lunch. She thought after nine years of almost forgetting I had a sister. I'd be okay with lunch. Commodore says OP, I wonder if her boyfriend turned husband made her block you all.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00] Could it be that getting away from him might be why she was able to reach out? OP says I don't know. Back then she would vouch for him a lot in front of our parents who really thought he was bad news. So I don't know. She seemed like it was all of her own volition. Commodore says absolutely not the arsehole. When will people start accepting the consequences to their actions and why do other people think they can tell you how you should have responded to her?

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00] Your girlfriend should have kept their mouth shut and just held you and let you talk and been there for you. I wouldn't tell your parents you saw her either. That's a band-aid you don't want to rip off. OP says I won't be telling my parents. If she reached out to me she can reach out to them the same way. Though she told me she won't be doing it. She'd only reached out to me. A commenter asks a question. Not the arsehole but that's a tough situation to be in. Just out of curiosity. Why didn't the family accept their then boyfriend?

[00:08:24] [SPEAKER_00] Cultural? Religious? Age? OP says they just didn't think he would make a good partner I think. She'd be vouching for him and they, particularly my mum, would be telling her that essentially he's only interested in sex to put it crudely. There may have been other subconscious reasons possibly I don't know. But at least when they talked about it they would only bring that up. That he was bad news. And that they were looking out for her. A commenter who was downvoted says.

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_00] Keep in mind that she might have cut you off because she was scared you would tell your parents anything that she told you. OP responds saying no. We'd covered for each other so often when I was young. She'd covered for me too. There was stuff that I could only tell her. That could not have been a real fear. I'd even told her friends that I wouldn't tell our parents but at least ask her to meet up with me. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but I haven't had to remember all the BS I went through in the aftermath of her elopement in a while.

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00] And it's crazy how she just ditched us all. I don't think I can see her. I've been thinking about it but meeting her just means everything she puts us through was fine. I remember how I felt at that time and I can't let it go. So at some point later OP does come in with an update and they said hi. Thanks a lot to everyone for the support in my post and to those who reached out for support. I'd been emotionally drained almost after meeting my sister. Like I said I'd made my peace.

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00] After a lot of hurt and futile hope that I would never see her again. She had my number and I hadn't blocked a new number of hers. I'd thought about it and received advice too but I just didn't. It slipped from my mind. She asked me on Tuesday how I was doing and asked if we could meet on Wednesday. She really wanted me to meet her kids. I was really conflicted. I didn't want to oblige her but I decided to say yes to at least meet them. I went to her apartment yesterday and met my niece and nephew.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_00] My niece had recently turned 9 and my nephew is 6. They're great kids and I really enjoyed seeing them. I remember feeling a certain way when my sister was introducing me and she told him that the way he's my niece's younger brother. Similarly, I'm her younger brother. We talked a bit and started talking about stories from us growing up. I hadn't and still haven't said everything is okay between us but our stories and conversation went smoothly.

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_00] I learned that after she had loped and got married she had moved in with her husband into his place in a town a few hours away from us. At around 2019 they had moved to a city we're currently in. According to her, she didn't know all this time they had later moved here for work after college too. I told her about what I've been up to all these years. My college, my job, my girlfriend etc. After that the kids were in their room and my sister brought us up all doing something again over the weekend. I told her we weren't okay.

[00:11:10] [SPEAKER_00] She can't expect me to forget everything. She said she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me. She said that she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me. That she missed me. I was angry at the fact that she had no idea the pain I'd gone through both personally and then having to be the crutch for my parents' pain. I told her I didn't believe her. That she would have been perfectly fine with never seeing me again if she hadn't gotten divorced. That I could have been dead.

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_00] Wouldn't have broken a sweat upon learning it since she was so blissed out from her domestic life. I know it was ugly. I never said anything like this but in that moment I just wanted her to feel some kind of hurt of the kind she had given me. She broke down and said I can hate her if I want. But just not to hate her forever. There has to be a limit. I regretted saying what I said when I saw her crying so I just sat next to her and asked why they had divorced. She told me that the life had been going alright the first few years.

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_00] She said she'd even sent words through a mutual when the kids were born. Which either the mutual messed up or my sister did because we never heard about it. She said when COVID happened her marriage became hell for her. That it uncovered a side of her ex that she never knew. He became abusive. Had disdain for their son. Revealed he used to record every single conversation of theirs. Had convinced her she was crazy and a bad wife and mother. That she stuck with him because of the kids until she had enough.

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00] That a very good neighbor of theirs whom she had become good friends with. Gave her a lot of support and even helped line her up with a job. During all this she even blamed our parents for sticking with the marriage for so long. And for not reaching out. I told her they had literally pleaded with her not to do this. I was there. I was 18. Not 8. She said they told her she was dead to them if she ran off with him. And so she blamed them for not being able to leave him. I told her that was insane logic. And she just didn't want to talk about them.

[00:13:03] [SPEAKER_00] And asked me not to tell them about her. I said yeah. Her relationship with them is her own. I also asked her who had given her my address. She begged me not to ask her that. That they hadn't given it easily. That she had to swear secrecy. And cry and convince them that I'd want to see my older sister. So I dropped it. We had tea and snacks after that. And she asked me again if I wanted to do anything this weekend. Since she had the kids. Or we could do something the weekend after just the two of us. I said I didn't know.

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_00] She was okay with that answer. She was tearful again when I was leaving. We hugged and I hugged the kids goodbye too. My mind has been a mess since then. I lashed out and everything. But also regret what I said. But then I also tried to remember how I felt back then. And then get angry again. It feels so weird knowing that she's now 20 minutes away from me. And we can visit whenever. I told my girlfriend about all this. She said she supports me no matter what. But in her opinion to consider the weekend plan with a cool mind.

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_00] This got long. I apologize. But I've been trying to collect my own thoughts on this. And writing this just seemed to help. Thanks for the help. A commenter says to OP. I'm glad you and your sister talked. I'm late to the party. But I was in a similar boat recently. My sister is now married to a woman. So good luck OP. That's a great moment to just be at least hear out one another on what's happened. One another's view that doesn't mean you're forced to do anything. But at least you have the ability to decide if this is something you could pursue.

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_00] My sister came from a domestic violent relationship. And so did I. The fact that we're both still alive and able to talk about our shitty parents is a huge support beam in my system. She's still recovering and so am I. But we have one another. And she had her awesome wife. Just take some time off the internet and enjoy a day where you relax. Go out for a nice coffee and lunch. Maybe to the park. All on your own and just stink. Also allow yourself to cry in the car. Talk to yourself. Are you day with self care?

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_00] Or maybe a day and cuddle up with warm pillows. Creating and drawing. But I really recommend getting out of the house and off the internet. Dopamine media detox for a day basically. And let yourself feel and think. OP responded to this saying. I'm going to try and clear my mind. Thanks. I've been thinking this again and again. That I should do what makes me happy. Maybe that is being able to reconnect with her and her kids. And then I think that's letting her off too easy. I was in pain back then trying to reach out. What about that?

[00:15:32] [SPEAKER_00] It's been emotionally taxing. Your advice about taking some time off is good. You know the sister talking about abuse within this marriage. Explains some of the issues right. The blocking. The disappearance. The recording conversations. The isolation. All classic abuse tactics that we've seen in many many stories. We've seen abusers systematically cut off. Their victims from their family support systems. It's what they do. But at the same time.

[00:16:01] [SPEAKER_00] Like we were saying after the first part of the story. It doesn't take away from what OP's gone through at the same time. They were 18 years old. Watching their parents fall apart. Getting blocked when it was trying to help and get in touch with their sister. Of course this can be extremely painful. Like I said if my brother did that to me. I'd be confused as fuck. I'm wondering what the hell is going on. What did I do wrong? So I didn't blame OP one bit for still being angry. Upset. And confused about the situation.

[00:16:29] [SPEAKER_00] And I think that last commenter was a nice comment. You know just getting away and thinking for yourself. Clearing your mind. And asking yourself what you want. And realizing you don't have to decide everything right now. Meeting her again doesn't mean you're letting her off. Or something along those lines. It just means that you're able to understand that there's multiple things going on at once. That she hurt you badly. You're upset. You're angry. Which is absolutely valid. It sounds like she was trapped in an abusive situation.

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_00] And you know you can take this as slow as you want. That's up to you. And you can still be angry and upset about the past. It's valid. Because one weekend isn't going to fix everything. Nine years. Isn't going to fix nine years is it? So just understand that you're allowed not to know yet. What's going on in your own mind. It's confusing. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_00] Let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from the Today I Messed Up subreddit from Amara Mady. And says today I fucked up by realizing my mute button wasn't muted. During a two hour stakeholder meeting. This happened two hours ago. And I'm still hiding under my blanket. I was in a massive all hands meeting. About 40 people for a project launch.

[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_00] Usually I keep my mic hard muted on my headset. But today I was eating lunch. So I was double muted. Software mute plus headset mute. Or so I thought. About 45 minutes in. The project manager was explaining a delay in the timeline. I thinking. I was safe in my cocoon of silence. Let out a very loud. Very deep sigh. And muttered. Oh my god. Just get to the point. Nobody cares. The audio didn't just pick it up.

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_00] Because of the way team slash zoom prioritizes active speakers. My face popped up on the main screen for a split second. The silence was deafening. The PM paused for a solid five seconds. Nobody said anything. He just continued. I slowly reached up and tapped my headset. It beeped. Mute on. It had been off the whole time. I had not checked my slack messages. I'm considering faking my own death. And moving to a farm. Oh bloody hell.

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_00] I do feel for Opie in this situation. It did make me chuckle though. That his face popped up at the same time. Can you imagine being on that call. And just seeing him pop up saying that. Oh my god. Just get to the point. Oh deary me. Junkhead did say to this one. I was on one with about 300 people I work with. And someone said out loud. Unmuted. Hang on. I gotta get on this fucking pointless zoom call. I felt bad since I agreed. Same with Opie's situation.

[00:19:26] [SPEAKER_00] Ryushi Blade says. I had someone pee very loudly in a toilet. And then flush before she realized she wasn't on mute. She immediately logged off. EarthSiege says. I was in a meeting a few weeks ago. For a company's yearly benefit webinar. But they try to unsuccessfully to peddle how great. Read shitty. Our self-funded insurances. About halfway through. Someone must have accidentally gotten unmuted. As they yelled to their partner. I can't right now.

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_00] I'm in this meeting about our shitty insurance. The silence afterward was deafening. The person from the insurance company carried on by saying. Well thanks for that. As far as I'm aware. The person still works at the company. Man. I must be like really untrusting of my devices. Because I never trust them. Even if it says it's on mute. Even if I can see on the screen. It's on mute. Never trust that shit. OP did kindly update the post. And says. First of all.

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you to everyone who suggested I fake my own death. And move to a farm. I spent last night looking up potato farming tutorials on YouTube. But unfortunately. I have a mortgage. So I had to log in this morning. I promised an update. So here is the damage report. I logged in at 8.59am. My heart was beating so hard. I could hear it in my ears. I hovered over the slack icon for a solid minute before clicking it. 12 unread messages. Most were from my work friends sending skull emojis.

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_00] And gifs of people digging graves. But there it was. A direct message from the PM himself. Sent at 4.30pm yesterday. The message. Hey. My name. Do you have 5 minutes for a quick sync before stand up? I almost threw up. Quick sync is corporate speak for execution. I joined the core. No video. I wasn't ready for him to see the fear in my eyes. He joined. Silence for 3 seconds. Then he laughed. A dry.

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_00] Tired laugh. He said. So. Yesterday. I immediately started apologizing. I unleashed a word salad of technical difficulties. Bad day. Audio glitch. And I'm so sorry. He cut me off. Look. Honestly. You weren't wrong. I realized after the meeting that I spent 20 minutes explaining a 2 minute delay. I tend to ramble when I'm stressed about deadlines. I stopped breathing. Was this a trap? He continued. However.

[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_00] Let's maybe keep the commentary to the internal monologue next time. My boss was on that call. He thinks it was unprofessional. But I told him you were just frustrated with the audio issues. You owe me one. The result. I'm not fired. I am however officially the mute guy. During the stand up meeting today when I joined. Another co-worker typed in the chat. Careful everyone. The truth teller is here. I have taped a physical piece of cardboard over my mute button.

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_00] I am never speaking again. Opie gives us a second update two days later. And it says. It has been two days since I taped a piece of cardboard over my mute button. I genuinely thought if I just kept my mouth shut. The truth teller jokes would die out by Friday. And I could go back to being invisible. I was wrong. I checked my calendar. And saw an invite for a Q4 strategy review on Thursday. Host. The department head. The big boss who heard me sigh. Attendees. The senior lead. The PM.

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_00] And me. I immediately panic messaged my PM. But when I told to get to the point yesterday. Asking if this was a mistake. He replied. No mistake. Big boss liked your honesty about the timeline delay yesterday. He thinks the rest of the team is too polite to give bad news. He wants you there to call out the BS. You guys don't understand. I'm not a straight shooter. I'm just an anxious introvert who was hungry and wanted to eat his sandwich in peace. I don't know anything about Q4 strategy.

[00:23:17] [SPEAKER_00] I just want to write code and hide. Now I've been drafted as the corporate vibe checker. If I stay silent, I fail the big boss. If I speak, I might actually get fired this time. Currently googling how to sound smart without being mean. And considering faking a microphone driver failure. Oh bloody hell. That's turned out to be like for me who's just like a in real life a quiet anxious person. That sounds like a worse situation than just getting a bollocking and moving on.

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_00] But what about you guys? Have you ever been on one of these Zoom or team calls where someone has said something when they wasn't muted? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Oh looking forward to those. And just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much for being here. Truly is absolutely amazing. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care.

[00:24:16] [SPEAKER_00] And much love.