My Wife Turned Our Love Life Into A Reward/Punishment System r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories and if you do love a Reddit story why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:19] Now today's first story comes from apprehensivetie7252 from the amithearsealtheer subreddit and it says amithearsealtheer for not wanting to have sex after my wife turned it into a reward slash punishment system. I think my wife is experiencing a phenomena called the seven year itch right now. We are married to each other for seven years and did not have any serious problems before. Around the end of 2023 she started offering sex for small gestures such as

[00:00:49] gifts and doing chores. For the last seven years and since I've been an independent adult and make sure to handle my share of chores. She offered mind blowing sex for me doing her part of chores which I enjoyed at first. Then it turned into gifts and gestures. Mind you, these had all been present in our relationship for the last seven years. Nothing out of the ordinary. That change happened literally overnight. Great sex life, both take care of other parties,

[00:01:19] and the family's needs by communicating clearly and respecting their wishes. Even though it was good at first, it turned into a form of reward and punishment later on. You did not do X, so no sex for you or good, you did this and we can have sex. I asked her what the deal is with this. She did not do it before. She said she gets turned on and feels emotionally connected when I put extra effort in the relationship. I just rolled my eyes at that. What did even change overnight for it to happen?

[00:01:49] I should have asked her. I should have asked her back then. It's been a few months since this started and I could not take it anymore. I started refusing her advances because it's such a turn off for me. Yesterday she came on to me and said, you did the chores. I think you deserve a reward. I told her, I do not know where you have seen this, but it's getting out of hand. I'm not Pavlov's dog that you are giving threat or punishment to. Communicate with me if there is something wrong, but this change you had overnight is ridiculous.

[00:02:19] You expect me to beg for it and obey you in every case. You're making me feel like I have not contributed anything to chores or did not show you any gestures before that. Just tell me what is happening because if we're going to change every good aspect of our relationship because you saw it somewhere else, this relationship will die out faster than a candlestick.

[00:02:38] She stormed out crying and slept on the couch. I'm getting a cold shoulder now. Did my wife turn into an eight-year-old child or what? What is this sudden change? And am I an arsehole for not wanting to have sex with her and calling out her behavior? I would appreciate advice, especially from women.

[00:02:57] Now for me, I think there's like several little paths that this could go down. I remember not so long back. Well, actually, it's probably a while back now. There was a trend going around of like this, a reward slash punishment system, like a chart that you have. Like if you do enough like chores or whatever, you get that reward and you see yourself got the chart to get some sort of sexual reward. It was weird as fuck, especially the people promoting this. Like it was totally normal. Like look at this guy. Look what I printed off today.

[00:03:25] Another path is that it's just become more and more manipulative over time. And, you know, obviously it needs to be dealt with. Another one I was thinking, is it some kind of kink? Is she getting excited by it? You know, having that control, that sort of domination side of things. Regardless, either way, not the arsehole for calling it out. Software Any says to Opie, you are not a dog. You're a person. This is manipulative. And while you probably should have said something at first, not the arsehole.

[00:03:54] Opie says at first it was pleasant. Having good sex after some small gestures was good. It added a new dynamic to our relationship. It was good until it turned into a reward and punishment system and happened all the time. Bar obligation quotes the and happened all the time and says, I think this is key. Seems like your entire sex life has started to hinge on this system, not just part of it.

[00:04:17] Doing something transactional like that once in a while could be fun, diverting, exciting. Just another way to add some spice. But that's the thing about spice. It shouldn't be the only thing you taste. Your wife has unwisely turned your entire sexual dynamic into something transactional. Which at best is going to make you constantly feel like you have to earn intimacy with your wife. And that will get boring and frustrating. It seems it already has. And at worst, it has a strong ick factor.

[00:04:47] Like sometimes my wife gets turned on when I attack a gigantic pile of dishes we've both left for too long. I think people generally like feeling cared for. Feeling like someone else cares for the home they share and it's attractive. I know I feel very attracted to my wife when she cooks a favorite meal. People get warm feelings from that kind of expression of love and care, which can turn into sexual excitement. And that's all fine. But your wife has taken that and turned it into something else. Something less warm.

[00:05:16] I think you need to sit down with her and calmly gently explain what's in your mind and why this dynamic needs to change. Now the commenter says, not the arsehole. That's some weird power trip shit. If sex is made into a transactional thing, it's pretty well destroyed. Maybe she thinks she's doing some empowerment thing. But it sounds like she's going for all the power instead of half. Opie says, I can see she's frustrated herself with not having sex.

[00:05:43] Yesterday, I did not even do her part of the chores. She probably came to me with hopes of having sex. I cannot understand why she does that. Primary Afternoon says, maybe she's getting shitty advice from somewhere. So Opie did come in with her update and says, I was planning to talk to my wife today, but surprisingly, she came to talk to me in the early morning during breakfast. She apologized and told me the things I said made her understand she hurt me and she felt terrible for that.

[00:06:12] She told me she took it too far without reading my reactions. I also apologized for telling her off like that and losing control of my emotions. We had a great discussion about what happened, why it happened and our marriage in general. I asked her if she thought my gestures were not enough and she thought the share of chores were unfair. She said it's not like that and there is no problem with the share of chores nor my gestures.

[00:06:36] She has been feeling less confident and adding a new dynamic to our relationship by making me try more made her feel better. Just like before we were married. Also, she told me having less to do allowed her to completely focus on me and turned her on more. She also stated that she was feeling shy initiating due to her confidence and this dynamic helped her to initiate. I asked if she was happy with our sex life and me.

[00:07:02] She said she is more than happy and the reward slash punishment thing has nothing to do with it. My final question was if she had this kind of kink. She said maybe. She felt good playing like that but accepted turning the whole sex life into this was terrible of her. I agreed while it was good in the beginning. Turning the whole sex life into a reward punishment system and doing it all the time became a problem. I told her that I'm okay with that kind of play or any kind of play as long as it's communicated.

[00:07:31] I'm a freak so no problem from my side. Very cheeky. We had more talk about private things but in the end communicated our thoughts and feelings to each other clearly. Here we go. In the end she told me maybe I should reward her for being a good girl this time. And this awakened something sleeping in me. I do not know if I will be able to wait for the night. Finally there were some people demonizing my wife and telling me to divorce her or find an affair right away.

[00:07:59] On the other hand some declared me as a deadbeat husband abusing my wife by making her mummy me. Even though I clearly stated it's not like that in the post. White people love assuming things with zero information like that to make one party guilty. Chill. The problem is solved and I would say with that challenge our love and sex life will level up from the looks of it. Thank you for all the suggestions and help. Cheers. The top comments on this one.

[00:08:26] First one said always nice to see people actually being adults and communicating. Good for you and your wife. Mara says makes reddit very boring though. Slash sarcasm. Glad they figured it out without involving lawyers, therapists and movers. There were some absolutely wild comments on that post. Like OP was saying. Like telling him to have an affair and all this kind of thing. Just like what? I'm very glad for them that they was able to have this positive discussion.

[00:08:56] And you know hopefully things will continue to improve for them. It certainly felt in the original post for me that the reward system built up over time. And she was getting something out of it you know. More than just the chores being done I'm talking about here. You know what I'm talking about. Wink wink. Wink wink. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. Have you seen those videos? I mean they were a little wild back. These people encourage them to have reward charts in their house. I mean it's just like wild. And it just had me thinking.

[00:09:26] I wonder how many people actually went along with this. And had these kind of reward charts based off social media in their house. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from the true off my chest subreddit from icyattitude2014. And says I'm worried that my husband's comments to my sister 25 may have driven her away. I've known my husband for six years. Been married for one.

[00:09:55] I moved across the country for college when I was 18. Where I met my 24 husband 25. I've only been back a couple of times over the years. Mostly for holidays. But my husband had never gone back with me. Until we ended up moving back to be closer to my family. Since we've been back I've been trying to get closer to my family. Especially with my sister. She was in some bad relationships. And cut off contact with me and my parents for a few years. But she's back now.

[00:10:24] And I hope that we'll be able to build a relationship. Had noticed that she'd not been coming over to my place as much. Not spending as much time with the family. And then a few weekends ago she asked me if we could talk. She said that she felt that she wanted to let me know that my husband had been making comments and saying things to her. That she thought were inappropriate. My sister is gorgeous. Beyond beautiful. And she's always attracted attention. Even from married men.

[00:10:52] My husband had been making comments about her body and her looks. Compliments but ones that made her feel uncomfortable. During Christmas he had told her how attractive she was. And some stuff about how lucky her boyfriend was. Since then she's been trying to not be around him as much. By not coming around as much. And was afraid of how I was going to react if I found out. I was obviously really upset. But I told her I understood. And that it wasn't her fault. And that it wouldn't happen again.

[00:11:20] My husband and I ended up in a fight when I confronted him about what she had told me. But eventually he admitted that he'd said most of that stuff to her. Even though he tried to pass it off like he didn't mean anything by it. I made it clear that he wasn't to say anything like what he'd said to her again. And that he'd apologize for his inappropriateness. He agreed with everything I asked of him. I let her know about my conversation with my husband. And that he'd apologize whenever she felt like hearing it. But she's still not been coming around to family events.

[00:11:50] I'm so scared that his comments have driven a wedge between my sister and the rest of us. She and I hadn't talked for a long time until I moved back. And I've been scared that something is going to make her want to leave again. And we're starting the comments with Alice in reverse who says

[00:12:20] Another user says The user says

[00:13:06] And that was my thoughts as I was going through that. It's like think about what he's actually said about your sister here. Think about that thought process towards her and the way he's making her feel as well. And like the comments said that he's willing to do this so openly by the sounds of it. So close to home. Creepy. Opie comes in with her update and says I was honestly so surprised by the amount of responses that my original post garnered. I tried to read everyone's thoughts. And I just want to say that I'm really grateful to everyone who offered some perspective.

[00:13:36] And took the time to share their thoughts. Even if they were upset with the fact that I was handling everything in the wrong way. I wanted to update anyone who is interested in the state of everything right now. I feel I'm still going to be making people upset and angry. But I'm still trying to work out all that has happened in the last few weeks. And I'm hoping that I can eventually wrap my head around the situation. And make better choices. One of the things that many people said is that my husband may have said or done more than my sister had told me.

[00:14:05] And that she's feeling unsafe and that I've betrayed her. This thought is what has gotten to me the most and has been weighing on my shoulders. I'm struggling very hard with what to do next. The main update I have is that my sister and I have been talking. She hadn't been responding to most of my messages and calls since last time that we had spoken in person. Which is when I told her what I talked about with my husband. The last message I sent her was one that asked if she wanted to get lunch. Which was the day before I posted.

[00:14:33] She ended up answering that one a couple of days after the post. And agreed to have lunch with me. When we met up she acted very normal. She seemed very much like her usual self. Very bubbly and outgoing. I honestly can't tell if she's actually more upset and bothered than she's appearing. Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month. And she wants to have a girls trip slash weekend away. And she wants my help planning everything. She seems excited about that. And as far as I can tell.

[00:15:01] She's behaving as if everything is fine. I didn't know if I should bring up the situation with my husband. But I ended up asking her about it again. She reiterated what she had told me before. He complimented her looks and her outfits in a suggestive way. And had said the thing about her boyfriend being a lucky man. She said again that she was mostly concerned with how I was going to feel about it. I didn't ask her if she felt unsafe around him. I feel now like I should have. But at the time I was still afraid that she didn't trust me.

[00:15:30] And might feel like I was putting her on the spot. During lunch I asked her what she would think if I left him. She repeated that her main worry before coming to me was causing issues between my husband and I. But told me that she didn't like my husband. And didn't think he was a good guy. In general and specifically for me. I'm still worried about her. That she feels threatened and afraid of my husband. But right now she's acting okay with me. I'm hoping that if things continue to seem normal. We can continue to talk and she might open up more.

[00:16:00] Since that lunch we've seen each other several times. I made dinner for my mum last Sunday. And she came over to eat with us. And then we did some planning for her birthday. Again she's still acting as if everything is normal. But I'm still incredibly worried about her. The other thing that happened is that I started sleeping over at my mum's house. My mum has been having health and mobility issues. But I've made it difficult for her to do a lot. I've been trying to do as much as I could for her. But she's been needing someone around more full time. I've been so overwhelmed these past few months.

[00:16:30] Driving over to her house every day. To drop off food and do the things around the house that she needed. I'd already been considering finding someone to stay with her until she's back on her feet. After everything that happened. And then what I read in the last post. I talked to her about it. She agreed to let me stay with her in exchange for helping her out more. My mum's extra bedrooms are used as storage. So I had to spend last weekend uncluttering a place to sleep. But one of my sister's friends came over to help me clear out the room. And I've been staying here since then.

[00:16:59] My husband figured out what I was doing. And asked if it was because of what happened with my sister. I told him that I wasn't lying about wanting to help my mum more. But that it was part of it. He was pretty upset. But eventually let go. Right now my primary focus has to be on helping my mum. And bringing my grades up. In grad school. And I've been too anxious and upset over the last few weeks. To concentrate. And I cannot afford to let my GPA slide. I'm also trying to be available for my sister whenever she wants to talk.

[00:17:28] Even though things appear to be stable with her right now. I'm still really anxious over what she might be thinking and feeling. It's a lot. And I'm really struggling with figuring out how to balance everything right now. My sister has been really helpful. And so has her friend. My sister brought dinner for me and my mum this week. And her friend left some frozen meals for me to heat up. When I'm too tired or busy to cook. He's also going to help me get my mum to her doctor's appointments this week. I'm scared to admit that I still don't know what to do about my husband.

[00:17:57] I got so many messages and DMs from people who were upset that I hadn't left him yet. But I'm still just feeling too overwhelmed to really come to terms with everything. I'm just trying to get through next month. I got midterms and my sister's birthday. And then I feel like I can take a breath. And take some time to figure out what to do about my relationship. It's very hard to think clearly right now. And I hope that the space between my husband and I is going to help and not hinder that. My husband is extremely upset.

[00:18:25] He's been calling and texting night and day with all the same questions that I couldn't answer in my last post. And I feel bad that I don't have any answers for anyone yet. But unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure it out. Again, I know that there are so many people who are going to hate me for this. And I'm sorry. But I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything. We have another update which came a month later. But the top comment on that previous update said, Big change can be scary.

[00:18:52] But honestly, if your husband felt comfortable making those types of comments to your sister, then probably it's the tip of the iceberg. I think you are making the right moves. And it's also to take your time. You don't have to rush to leave him and set things on fire. Sometimes people just need time to process, plan and execute. And that is okay. You are showing support for your sister and your mom. Have it out for your husband on notice. None of these are small things. Be proud. So the update a month later came in. It said,

[00:19:21] I wasn't planning on making another update post. But I got a couple of comments and messages today. So I wanted to put out my final update. My husband and I are going to be splitting up. Like I said in my other update, I went ahead and moved in with my mom to take care of her for a few months. Hoping that time apart would give me some clarity about everything. And like I said in the previous post, my husband really didn't like that at all. We probably fought more over the last past month than we have in our entire marriage.

[00:19:49] Then during one of our arguments, he ended up saying some awful, nasty things about my sister. And at that point, I didn't want to go any further with him or the relationship. I'm still at a loss at what to do next. One of my sister's friends got me in touch with a lawyer. It's been overwhelming. I've still got my mother in grad school and my job. So with divorce on the docket, I'm just trying to keep my head above water right now. Also, I just wanted to say thank you to the people who gave me encouragement

[00:20:17] and wanted to give me some genuine guidance. Disney Buckeye says to OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm happy to see this update. I don't think you'd ever been able to look at your husband the same way. Divorce is hard. It's messy. It's emotional. It gets worse before you get better. And it can be embarrassing because you're telling a stranger, your attorney, everything about your marriage. Lean on your friends and family and take it one step at a time. One thing I did that helped me,

[00:20:45] I made a list of things I needed to do and then crossed them off when I finished them. Added to the list all the time, but it made it more manageable. Plus, I could see tangible results. I was despairing about whether or not I was making any progress. You can do this. Ash B13 says,

[00:21:27] And I gotta say, I felt very much like that last comment. I was feeling like, I wonder what other signs there were during their whole relationship. Like it was pretty shocking that husband was doing that so close to family. I mean, it's scummy in whatever way, you know, but the fact that he was willing to do that, willing to test the waters so close to home. And again, like the commenter said, it's going to be difficult for OP,

[00:21:56] but I really do wish them all the best. I think it's, it's good for them in the end. I think sister knew what he was like before all this happened. It just made, it just made me feel like sister could see signs way before this and like, he's not good for you kind of thing, but didn't want to rock the boat at that moment until he tipped it too far. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. That's just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories. Your love,

[00:22:25] your support, your time, it always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.