My Wife Prioritises Her PHONE Over Her Family And I'm At My Breaking Point | r/Relationships

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider doing that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Frustrated With Phone from the Relationship Advice subreddit. And it says,

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00] I, 42 male, am getting frustrated with my wife's 37 female phone habits. My wife has always been a very chatty woman. She's pretty much on the phone all day with her sister-in-law, her friends, family members, etc. She hangs up with one and she either calls another one or another one calls her. This hasn't bothered me as I'm not home all day, but recently has started to interfere with the time we spend together.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00] I come down to breakfast and she's on the phone. Literally the entire time I'm sitting there, she's gossiping on the phone with someone. That used to be our time to talk in the morning, but now she sits there and talks to other people. I brought this up to her and she simply said, She works. That's the only time I have to speak to her. This has also extended to dinner time. I arrive home, she'll have this big dinner cooked, and just as we're sitting down to eat, a phone will ring.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00] She'll tell me and the kids to go ahead and eat, pick it up, walk away from the dinner table, and start talking. In the past, if I got a work call during dinner, she would chastise me for it. You can call them back. This is dinner time. They need to understand. You're with your family. You're not taking that call now. This weekend, we were supposed to go for dinner on Sunday night. She got a call from one of her friends as we were getting ready to leave, which she just kept prolonging.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00] I kept pointing to my watch and making the wrap it up sign with my hands, and she kept swatting the air at me, telling me to leave her alone. Two hours passed when we were supposed to leave. She finally got off the phone with Dana, at which point she said, Eh, it's really too late to go out now. I'm tired. Let's just do leftovers. When I kept slamming cabinets and huffing at her, she said, Wow, you've got a hair across your ass today. What's your problem? I responded,

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00] She said, She said that she hadn't talked to Dana all day and needed to catch up, and there wasn't any other time for her to do it. I told her, It's unacceptable, and we need to start blocking time off that both of us reserve for each other. She said, That's stupid, and we live together. We shouldn't have to do that. She agreed that we'd have a do-over and go out for breakfast yesterday morning. We planned to leave the house at 9. 8.30, I was sitting down on the couch waiting for her.

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00] 9 rolls around and nothing. 9.15, Still nothing. 9.30 comes and I went upstairs. I hear her laughing and I walked in to find her, not showered, sitting on her bed in her pajamas, with the phone in her hand. Hang up the phone, I said. Let's go. I'm on the phone, she shouted. Sorry, Dana, what was that? I ripped the phone out of her hand and said into it, Hi, Dana, we're going to breakfast this morning and Tammy can't talk right now. She'll call you back another time. Goodbye.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00] I then hung up the phone, turned it off, and put it in my pocket. My wife went apeshit, demanding I'd give her the phone back, screaming that I had no right to control her time and that she wasn't going to be manipulated. I responded, No, you're right. You shouldn't have to be manipulated into spending time with me. If you're a decent human being, you would know that that was something you should prioritize, not see as a chore. I'm fucking done. You've obviously made your choice. We're pretty much at an impasse.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00] We haven't spoken much since yesterday morning. She said she has nothing to say unless I apologize and return her phone. I told her if that's her biggest concern is having her phone right now, then we have nothing to talk about. I've tried offering solutions, but she's so obsessed with that goddamn phone that I don't think she's even hearing me. So there was a commenter that was downvoted who said, I don't think you're behaving like a rational human being at all. Huffing, slamming cabinets, taking her phone right out of her hands and putting it in your pocket.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00] You're acting like a child and you're being whiny and passive aggressive with her. It doesn't matter that she's behaving poorly. That said, however, how hard would it be to say, Honey, when we have time together, I need you to be present with me. Full stop. Hope you responded to that comment saying, Well, you're partially right. My actions as of late are extreme, passive aggressive and childish. I hate it. I hate being like this. And I honestly don't think it's healthy. So why am I doing it?

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00] Because it's sadly the only thing that gets through. She has a bit of persecution complex. When I said to her, I'm gone from 7.30am till 6pm. It's important to me that we have dinner as a family. But appreciate it if you didn't take calls during one meal we all have as a family. Her response was, Won't talk to my friends. After all, I only exist to be your wife. When you're around, I should drop everything to talk to you. I just tell my friends that my husband says I can't talk to them anymore. Meanwhile, I pay the phone bill.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00] She's on the phone with people for between 5-6 hours a day while I'm not here. If I try to be calm, rational and addressing the issue, she denies that there is an issue. Makes it seem as if I'm telling her not to talk to anyone and acts as if she is so isolated. This couldn't be further from the truth. When I was having one of these talks with her, her phone rang. I said, Please let that go through to voicemail. This is important. She replied, I have to get this. I'm expecting this call from Beth. I said, Call her back, please.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00] We're not done. And I replied, Well, I didn't have anything else to say, she responded, and picked up the phone and from what I heard of their conversation, it was pure gossip and bullshitting. So, as mean as it sounds, I'm through being nice. I'm through handling this with kid gloves. And I'm through with her ignoring this and making me feel as if I'm asking too much of her to actually acknowledge me and her kids during the few waking hours we're home. Bloody how, who couldn't be on the phone for 5-6 hours a day?

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_00] What is there to talk about for that amount of time? Bloody hell. It sounds very much like almost like addictive kind of behavior, doesn't it? To, you know, she's already chastised him for doing the exact same thing, but she's doing 5-6 hours on the phone daily while he's at work, missing their planned dates, taking calls during family dinner. That's wild ass behavior, isn't it? I mean, it got messy in certain points there. Like that commenter said, even though it was downvoted,

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00] ripping the phone from a hand and turning it off and pocketing it. I mean, oof, that's controlling kind of behavior, isn't it? To do that kind of thing. OP explained that they're just sort of like at their wits end with the kind of behavior, but I still don't think that's the right thing to do in that situation. But it came a year later that OP updated the post and said, everyone, it's been about a year since I posted and I thought I'd give everyone an update on how everything went down. It's not the happiest news,

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00] but I know people were interested, so I'll share what happened. Right after I posted, I gave my wife her phone back. In doing this, I said to her, I don't believe I was wrong to be frustrated with you, but it's not my right to take your phone away. I'm going to give this back to you, but with it, I want you to take note of the fact that every time you take a long phone call on it, you're choosing someone else over your family. You are choosing to give that time to someone who is not here while there are family members who miss you.

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00] She snatched the phone back and said, don't talk to me like a child. It's my phone and I'll do what I want with it. In short, things never got better. She was always on it, dinners were missed, kids felt neglected, and there were days when we didn't say a word to each other because every moment I was home, she was yacking away on the phone. A final straw came at our daughter's eighth grade graduation last June, right in the middle of the ceremony. Her phone rang. At the beginning, they had told everyone

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00] to turn off their phones, but apparently, that didn't apply to her. I put my hand on her knee and said, no, not here, turn it off. She pulled it out of her purse, picked up the call, and walked out of the auditorium. She missed our daughter walking across the stage. When everything was over, our son and I collected our daughter, and the first words out of our mouth were, where's mom? We found her outside of the school, leaning up against the building, laughing and gabbing away on her phone. When she saw us,

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00] she ended a call and ran over to our daughter and gave her a hug. Oh, sweetie, you look so great. Congratulations. You did it. When my daughter asked where she was, she claimed that an important call came in right after she walked across, and she had to take it. She was lying to our daughter to take a bullshit phone call. We went to dinner. I didn't speak a word to her. She picked up on this and asked me what was wrong when we got home. I told her, you've made your choice very clear, Tammy. Thank you. She asked me, what the hell

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00] is that supposed to mean? I said, you've chosen the phone of your family. That's clear to everyone. The following Monday, I met with an attorney and began the process of filing for divorce. A lot of this is a blur, so forgive me if I get the order a bit confused, but I'll give you a summary of what happened. One, my wife was served with divorce papers at home. She flipped, saying that I was trying to control her behavior, that I was treating her like a child, and that I was punishing her because she had to take a phone call. Two,

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00] she ordered me to get out of the house. As I'd been the only one caring for our children for the past few months and summer was starting soon, I refused to do this. I told her that she was welcome to move out, but as I was paying the mortgage and caring for our children, I would not be leaving the house. Three, my wife left and said she was staying with her sister until I came to my senses. She accused me of upending our children's lives right as our son goes into middle school and our daughter goes into high school because we'd have to sell the house.

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_00] Four, when we bought the house, my wife paid the entire down payment out of her mother's life insurance. My father and brother both generously loaned me money to cover half the value of the house as well as the down payment. My attorney contacted her as she had not yet retained an attorney and told her I wanted to buy her out of the house. He urged her to retain an attorney to review everything. She opted to accept the settlement and signed a forgive me if I get this wrong quick claim deed essentially removing any legal interest she has in the property.

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_00] Five, I closed our bank accounts had a cashier's check issued for half the value and had it sent registered mail to her at her sister's house. She signed for it no problem. I took our children's college funds which were previously only in my name and had my attorney put them into a trust naming my brother and her sister is trustees. Only with both of their signatures can money be drawn from those accounts so neither of us has the right to draw on those. It's a lot for my kids to understand and I try my best not to paint their mother

[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_00] in a negative light. She hasn't made any great effort to see them during this time and keeps telling the kids when she does see them that this is temporary and she'll be back soon. A commenter said to OP give her the damn phone back and make like Tammy Wynette in a spelling bee and OP says my wife who has not worked since we got married realized that anything she could buy outright for half the value of our house was like Elvis Presley looking for housing in Chicago. She's since retained an attorney and is attempting to get the quick

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_00] claim deed invalidated claiming she's entitled to half the proceeds of the sale of the home as a marital asset. My attorney told me that she has no chance of prevailing in this action and that she signed in about 10 different places saying that she was waiving her rights to outside representation and review in spite of my attorney urging her to utilize an attorney of her own. The courts have been shut down since March so nothing has moved ahead since then but God willing this will be wrapped up by the end of the year. My soon to be ex-wife

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_00] doesn't seem to grasp how serious this is but at this point I don't care. She made her choice and I made mine. Working from home I get to see my kids all day and I've never been happier. A commenter does say to the OP I'm curious what it is that's so important in those phone calls that she blew her own marriage over. Did you ever listen into her conversations? Was she an expert explaining how to stop a nuclear reactor from entering meltdown? Teaching a 15 year old how to land the crippled 777

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_00] after both the pilot and co-pilot suffered food poisoning? A hostage negotiator? OP says It was literally gossiping and talking with friends. She didn't see it as a problem. No matter how many times I nicely asked her to put the phone away I was ignored. I went from asking nicely to asking firmly to telling gently to telling firmly to demanding and she didn't respond to any of it. Regardless of my feelings she was going to take that call. There was one thing

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00] when it was ignoring me but when I saw her lying to my daughter and choosing her addiction because yes that's what I'm calling it over her had enough. She wasn't willing to seek help. She wasn't willing to admit she had a problem so I was done. And like with all addictions when someone's not going to help themselves in a situation they're not listening to you you're left with very little choices and you have to make those choices for yourself and your family in the end which is exactly what OP done and I'm glad that they did do it.

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_00] Still left wondering how can you be on the phone for 5 to 6 hours a day? Imagine seeing her name come up on your phone and I'll be like oh fuck that no chance hanging up straight away and nobody got time for that but what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from Calm Application 1926 from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit and it says

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_00] Am I the Arsehole here for calmly calling my brother-in-law a self-loathing piece of shit at Thanksgiving dinner after years of jokes about my brother. I 27 female have a brother-in-law 32 male who for as long as I've known him has made constant jokes comparing himself to my younger brother 22 male. My brother is finishing up pre-med and from the outside looks like he has his life together. My brother-in-law works part-time while trying to launch different business ideas

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00] and that gap has clearly been a sore spot for him. Every comment is brushed off as humor. Everyone laughs awkwardly and moves on. No one ever actually addresses it. This happened over Thanksgiving weekend at a family dinner. I'd already had a long emotionally draining day before we even sat down to eat. I was tired hungry and honestly running on fumes. I just wanted to get through dinner without drama. Halfway through the meal he made another comment

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00] something along the lines of at this point I should just let your brother run my life since he's clearly got everything figured out. The usual forced chuckles followed. Something in me just kind of snapped. I didn't raise my voice or anything and without missing a beat said calmly You're a self-loathing piece of shit and it's exhausting listening to you project your issues onto my brother every time we're together. Silence. I kept eating and didn't engage further. My sister immediately

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_00] said I was rude and completely out of line. She said he only makes those comments because he's struggling that he works part time while trying to get a business off the ground and that it's hard for him watching my brother finish pre-med and have his life sorted out. The rest of the night was uncomfortable. No one defended him but no one defended me either. Afterwards my younger brother came to me privately and said thank you. He told me he appreciated it but that he'd honestly gotten used to the comments at this point and just learned

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_00] to tune them out. That part of me made me feel even worse realizing he'd been quietly carrying that discomfort for years. Now my family is still upset with me. They say I ruined Thanksgiving embarrassed my sister and that I should apologize to keep the peace. Fuck that. I'm being told I was cruel and that I should have shown more compassion. I know the words I used were harsh I know the timing was bad but I'm also tired of pretending it's okay. Am I the arsehole?

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely not the arsehole in this situation at all. Not to me anyway and you're I'm super proud of what you did and your timing it wasn't bad it was perfect. Brother-in-law has been making your brother feel bad for years by the sounds of it because of his own insecurities and it broke my heart for him that he said that he had gotten used to it which is honestly just depressing. No one should have to get used to this kind of stuff and just deal with it with this arsehole across the other side of the table making comments like that

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00] and in all honesty the sister calling you rude and out of line and then turning to you and said you know he's only making those comments because he's struggling and that he works part-time or trying to get a business off the ground and it's hard for him you know it made the whole situation worse in my opinion that I wouldn't feel sorry for him and sod all the family members who's going along the lines of you know keep the peace because what it's family you got nothing to apologize for and he's the one that should be apologizing in this situation

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_00] for being an arsehole simple as Jew says your brother-in-law is masking his insecurities with jokes grown man by the way Opie says which frustrates me even more and started comparing himself when my brother was 20 and I feel terrible for not doing more for him even though I'm not always around Melodrama says I think in your position I'd write a text to brother-in-law and sister and say brother-in-law I do apologize for what happened at Thanksgiving I should have said something years ago about how your petty comments

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_00] make everyone uncomfortable and are rude and unfair to brother if I had done so then I wouldn't have snapped last week and could have called you out more privately I'm not sorry for calling you on behaving badly but I am sorry for the way I did it going forward I hope we can both keep a civil tongue during family gatherings that's the apology I'd give the commenter says everyone else enabling him is making him even more self-conscious of his lack of progress all the time share the load with your brother not the arsehole

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says and worst part we've tried talking to him about his business but he just feels like he's going to make it big and we're all haters and scared of taking risks like him McFly says not the arsehole tell your family I will never apologize for being the only person in this family to defend my brother who has done nothing but exist brother is not brother-in-law's whipping boy and it's pathetic to focus on his and his sister's feelings so Opie comes in with an update and says

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_00] I honestly didn't think I'd have anything major to update but here I am first some context my sister and I aren't super close no bad blood just very different lives we love each other but we don't really have deep conversations or emotional heart to hearts that matters because all this hit me harder once I realized how much I didn't know so after the Thanksgiving situation a lot of things came out I genuinely had no clue about it turns out my brother-in-law has had some abusive tendencies for years

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_00] nothing physical at least from what anyone knows but definitely emotional and controlling enough that my sister had a pretty bad scare early in their relationship she confided in my mum back then this was around their one year mark but begged her not to tell anyone or make a scene because she was terrified it would make everything worse my parents at the risk of pushing her away completely backed off and decided to keep the peace was safer for her fast forward to now and suddenly their years of tiptoeing around him

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_00] their insistence that I just apologize their obsession with keeping the peace all makes sense they weren't protecting him they were trying to protect her and I guess they were right to be worried after my comment at dinner apparently completely lost it after he went out drinking a few days later he drank a lot got furious with my sister for letting her family embarrass him and ended up breaking a bunch of things around their place nothing physical towards her again from what we know but enough to seriously terrify her she ended up

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_00] calling my parents in the middle of the night asking them to please come get her she's at their house right now according to my brother she's still in shock barely talking and they genuinely don't know if she's going back to him my parents are trying to keep things calm and focus on her safety but I think this might be the first time she's letting herself acknowledge how bad it's gotten my parents are focused on keeping things stable for her my mom is devastated she's been carrying this in silence for so long my dad is in full protective mode my brother said he

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_00] hopes this is the moment she finally steps away for good I'll be going over after my shift at work tonight with some takeout and junk food comfort food overload just to sit with her keep her company and try to cheer her up a little nothing serious nothing heavy just letting her know that she isn't alone I don't know what's going to happen next but right now the priority is making sure my sister is safe and supported no matter what she chooses going forward random person says you know what you speaking up and out is a blessing in disguise

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00] she would have continued to suffer in silence and it would have been a heck of a lot worse if there were children involved may your family greet the new years in steadier and sturdy legs may you find and make wonderful memories that will bring you and yours joy and brighten your days best wishes mrs morley says i hope she stays away from him the average number of attempts to leave an abusive man is seven so don't give up on her if he cons her back signed i only left twice but it still took me nine years

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_00] opi added one more post on this that says how do i support my sister when she thinks everything would be fine if i just apologize to her abusive husband hi everyone i really need advice on how to help my sister without pushing her away long story short after thanksgiving my brother-in-law had a meltdown drinking yelling breaking things all because he felt embarrassed by something i said at dinner my sister was scared enough to call my parents to pick her up and she's been staying with them since what i didn't know until

[00:22:43] [SPEAKER_00] recently is that he's had emotionally abusive tendencies for years my sister told my mom once but begged her not to say anything so my family had basically been walking on eggshells around him to keep her safe yesterday i went to see her after work with some takeout and comfort snacks she's shaken quiet and clearly overwhelmed and then she said something that really scared me if you would just apologize he wouldn't be this mad we could go back to normal i didn't challenge her in the moment because

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_00] she was already fragile but i'm terrified she's minimizing everything and blaming herself and now me instead of him i don't care about the original argument i don't care about pride i just want her safe but i'm scared that if i push too hard she'll run back to him and i'm scared that if i stay silent she'll go back anyway how do i support her without triggering defensiveness how do i gently help her to see this isn't something an apology fixes should i apologize just to

[00:23:41] [SPEAKER_00] keep things calm or will that reinforce his control i feel out of my depth and i don't want to do the wrong thing any advice would really help a top commenter said to op on this one don't apologize to him not even a little that's exactly what he's trained her to want just keep showing up with love and zero judgment like i'm glad you are safe here i love you whenever you want to talk i'm happy to more liars no pressure let her feel the difference between

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_00] your home calm no eggshells and his chaos the contrast will do the work your job is to be the steady safe place she can come back to when she's ready absolutely i totally agree with that comment not apologizing to that guy at all because it will do her no favors it just validate his behavior which you absolutely do not want to do and you know the comment just showing her love showing her that safe space compared to his chaos is the right way and i

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00] really really do hope she does realize what kind of situation she's in and she's able to you know get out of that situation because that's absolutely terrifying and it must be terrifying for you and your family at the same time you were never wrong for calling him out in the first place but now i'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys make of this situation let us know your thoughts down in the comments below just a huge thank you for being here today

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_00] getting involved in the stories your love your support your time it always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much for being here truly it's absolutely amazing and hopefully i'm going to see you in the next one take care and much love