My Wife Let My Abusive "No Contact" Mom Know Where I Am To Make Amends r/Relationships

[00:00:00] Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems, but getting therapy has its own problems too.

[00:00:05] Like finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule and of course, the cost.

[00:00:10] Well, better help can solve those problems. It's totally online and built around your schedule.

[00:00:15] It's surprisingly affordable too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video or online chat

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[00:00:27] That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P

[00:01:03] My male 27, wife female 26 crossed the only line I ever set with her. How can I forgive her?

[00:01:11] My wife and I have known each other for 10 years and got married in 2018.

[00:01:16] We have very different lifestyles. She's a very devout Mormon and I am not religious.

[00:01:22] We found some way to make it work. It was a hard road, but there are some challenges still.

[00:01:28] But we love each other very much. She has never met my biological mother.

[00:01:33] My parents were divorced long before I met her and I broke contact with my mom after I turned 18.

[00:01:39] My mom was extremely abusive towards me growing up. She physically abused me and my sister regularly

[00:01:46] and tried to frame it on my father. She was able to manipulate a doctor to give

[00:01:51] her multiple medications growing up and she had to steal the meds.

[00:01:55] Her dirt boyfriend also tried to be abusive to me too. I cut my losses and cut contact with my mother

[00:02:01] and her family, so did my sister. My parents, dad and stepmom didn't approve of my wife at first

[00:02:08] because of her religion, but they get along now. When my wife asked me when she'd meet my mom

[00:02:14] I told her she never would. She's a violent and terrible woman and she has no place in my life

[00:02:20] and I didn't want her involved in us. I also told her not to contact anyone in my mom's family.

[00:02:26] Recently, my mom showed up at my work which she had no knowledge of. It got ugly

[00:02:32] and police had to be called to remove her from the property. It was such an embarrassment.

[00:02:37] When I got home I told my wife and she had her, oh shit, look on her face.

[00:02:42] I asked her what that was about. She confessed she reached out to my mom

[00:02:46] and told her where I worked because my mom wanted to make amends. My wife's beliefs are that everyone deserves forgiveness

[00:02:53] and doesn't believe something could be unforgivable. I told her that violated the one thing I told her was out of bounds

[00:02:59] and didn't even tell me until shit hit the fan. She of course has been apologetic.

[00:03:04] I told her we'd get there, but I needed to get through it. I've been sleeping in the office at home

[00:03:10] and we've barely spoken since. We are supposed to travel to her parents for Thanksgiving,

[00:03:15] but I'm really considering staying home with a dog so I can sort myself out.

[00:03:19] I'm not sure how to get over this. Edit, added that she's met my step-mom.

[00:03:25] She's also fully aware of what my mom did to us.

[00:03:29] Now, I can't talk about the Mormon side of things. I don't know too much about it,

[00:03:33] but I can imagine that is playing a fairly big part in this and the whole forgiveness

[00:03:38] and the churn and etc. But it still doesn't excuse her doing this in my opinion at all.

[00:03:44] This is a huge betrayal of trust and whenever I look at any of these stories,

[00:03:49] trust is always one of the things that, you know, soon as that's gone, what is there left really?

[00:03:55] She knew your past history. She knew what happened to you.

[00:04:00] As a partner when you love someone, you want to protect them from people

[00:04:04] that were abusive to them in the past. Not invite them back into their lives.

[00:04:08] That's absolutely ridiculous and I'm not sure I'd be able to move past that.

[00:04:13] I got this hypothetical in my head about, you know, someone bringing someone

[00:04:18] that was abusive to me back into my life. I wouldn't be able to move past that.

[00:04:22] I don't think I would. Like I said, that's just a breach of trust

[00:04:26] and how do you move on from that? I always struggle with that myself.

[00:04:30] But powerful bug says, this would be akin to my husband bringing the person

[00:04:34] who molested me when I was a child back into my life.

[00:04:37] This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My spouse is my safe space

[00:04:42] and if they took that safety away, there is nothing left. I am so sorry.

[00:04:47] She mails strong says, former Mormon here, atheist now.

[00:04:51] I hope I can help. Mormons emphasize forgiveness

[00:04:55] and reconciliation no matter what. This is a bonkers approach

[00:04:59] and it damages people and families and lives. Your wife is trying to

[00:05:03] make it right with family. She has no idea the damage she has caused

[00:05:06] to you or your family or your mutual relationships was capable of causing.

[00:05:11] This does not make her innocent. It just makes her rigidly committed

[00:05:15] to a point of view, probably and in a very unhelpful way.

[00:05:19] Please hold her accountable if you want the relationship to continue

[00:05:23] and seek counseling, not from the LDS church which is also problematic

[00:05:27] in patriarchal. I hope you can grow beyond this together or move past this separately.

[00:05:33] Amazing sand says and quotes we are supposed to travel together for

[00:05:37] a parents thanksgiving but I am really considering staying home with a dog

[00:05:40] so I can sort myself out. I am not sure how to get over this

[00:05:43] and says this post was just painful to read.

[00:05:47] OP, I would stay home and not travel with her. She totally disregarded

[00:05:51] your wishes and allowed your abuser to find you. True love

[00:05:55] means you protect the loved one and not set them up for a desire to be virtuous.

[00:05:59] It was never her right to do this. Best of luck to you

[00:06:03] and may you have at least a restful thanksgiving.

[00:06:07] Aunt needs more floof says you have a bigger problem here than just forgiving her

[00:06:11] without substantial change on her part. She is quite likely to do this again

[00:06:15] when or if you have children. Because children need

[00:06:19] grandmarin any of the significant life event that she thinks your mother has a right to know about.

[00:06:23] It is also possible your wife has some warped idea of being the hero

[00:06:27] by having you and your mother reconcile. Your wife needs

[00:06:31] educational on childhood traumas and respect in and supporting survivors

[00:06:35] as well as you likely need couples counseling to guide the rebuilding

[00:06:39] of trust between you. You have a therapist who specializes

[00:06:43] in adult survivors of childhood abuse. You may want to start with

[00:06:47] individual therapy for you to wrap your head around all the complex feelings

[00:06:51] you have from your wife's choice. And Amjay says you have

[00:06:55] or plan to have children. Is she going to use a stubborn beliefs to expose

[00:06:59] them to abusive people? You really need to think long and hard

[00:07:03] don't sweep this under the rug. Opie says we don't have any children

[00:07:07] she really wants them and we've only recently started trying to have one

[00:07:11] because of my experience I'm genuinely afraid of being a dad.

[00:07:15] Wanted to make sure our marriage would last and I wanted us to be older

[00:07:19] and enjoy the time together first. That's also part of what's eating me at this point

[00:07:23] so Opie came in with an update four months later and said

[00:07:27] I appreciate the support of those who messaged me as well as those curious about what

[00:07:31] happened. I didn't expect this to blow up. I'll give an update

[00:07:35] in chronological order but trigger warning details about

[00:07:39] childhood abuses mentioned. The original post is the only other post on my profile

[00:07:43] Get this out of the way. Mum was served with a restraining order

[00:07:47] she can't go on my work property and I suffered no issues at work because of what

[00:07:51] happened. Leading up to Thanksgiving my wife and I sat down to talk

[00:07:55] I said I wasn't going to go to her parents for the holiday and I think it would be best if we

[00:07:59] had some time apart. She was upset and scared because she has

[00:08:03] bad anxiety when she travels far alone. So her sister agreed to travel

[00:08:07] with her but in this conversation I asked to see the messages between

[00:08:11] her and my mum. My mum had bothered her for months with messages

[00:08:15] on Facebook asking how I was doing if I was alive and saying

[00:08:19] she doesn't get to hear from her son etc. That part is what

[00:08:23] got my wife to reply with an update on everything. She mentioned what I

[00:08:27] did at my work and named the place which there's only one location

[00:08:31] in our city. I knew she'd been reached out to as me, my sister

[00:08:35] and a husband all had but I didn't know she was constantly harassing

[00:08:39] my wife like that. Which in time between my mum showing

[00:08:43] up in this conversation my mum sent several messages accusing her

[00:08:47] of setting her up, keeping her son from her and those very

[00:08:51] pleasant messages. She went to her parents place, I made burgers

[00:08:55] and hung out with the dogs on Thanksgiving. Went over to my dad's that Friday

[00:08:59] while everyone was out doing Black Friday things. We hung up the Christmas

[00:09:03] lights and I told him what happened. Oddly my dad didn't have much to say

[00:09:07] he asked what I was going to do. I asked him for a specific

[00:09:11] file he had and I told him I'd show her the file. Wife comes

[00:09:15] home after almost a week and the day after I sit her down and we have a conversation

[00:09:19] and I pull out the file. She clearly didn't intend what happened

[00:09:23] but she asked if I was divorcing her. I said no but she needed to

[00:09:27] have told me what happened and slash all blocked her. She had insisted

[00:09:31] on messaging my mum, I should have been involved to make a more generic message

[00:09:35] at this point I opened the file, put it in front of her

[00:09:39] and she went completely pale. In the file were pictures of me

[00:09:43] the night my mum gave up custody. What happened was we got into

[00:09:47] a fight over my grades in junior high. Mum started hitting me

[00:09:51] repeatedly to the point where her nails had started to cut my face.

[00:09:55] At this point I was big enough to stop her. I caught her wrist and I twisted it enough

[00:09:59] to where she stopped and ran out of the house. The police were called because my mum

[00:10:03] said I broke her wrist. I didn't. My dad picked me up, took

[00:10:07] the photos of my bruised and cut face and my mum released custody to him.

[00:10:11] A few of these cuts left scars that are visible on my cheek and sideburn area.

[00:10:15] After explaining what she was seeing and she looked through what was in there

[00:10:19] I told her she needed to understand she opened the door for my mum to have done this to

[00:10:23] me again. To my mum potentially doing that to her and if we had any kids

[00:10:27] they'd be at risk for the same abuse because my mum hasn't changed.

[00:10:31] The messages were the master manipulator going after my innocent wife.

[00:10:35] She said she didn't know it was this bad and she didn't mean that to have happened.

[00:10:39] I said we needed to go to therapy as a non-negotiable and she agreed.

[00:10:43] I caught some heat from her parents for showing her the file.

[00:10:47] Her parents had me promise them that I'd protect her and not ruin her innocent

[00:10:51] view of the world. I guess is the way to word it.

[00:10:55] She had a very slow grasp of real world things that weren't very present in

[00:10:59] the church upbringing although they actually agreed she shouldn't have responded to

[00:11:03] my mum which was surprising. I did some solo therapy before we did our couple

[00:11:09] therapy. She was a little upset because I was distant during the holidays like

[00:11:13] I wasn't there. Apparently I had some kind of repressed or undiagnosed PDSD

[00:11:19] and I began disassociating again after that happened and that is why I

[00:11:23] didn't seem like I was present. I feel like we are making progress.

[00:11:28] The therapist said my wife had the subconscious desire to fix things and make her

[00:11:32] perfect family because of some issues her parents had and some issues on both

[00:11:36] sides of her family. That was likely why she had responded without checking with me.

[00:11:41] We'd stopped trying for a baby for now but she's devastated about presently

[00:11:46] because one of my stepsisters announced she's pregnant and it really kind of

[00:11:50] hurt her because she really wants to be a mum. We're spending time together again and

[00:11:55] sleeping in the same bed. She's tried really hard to make it up to me and she's been

[00:11:59] trying to read more about abuse and understanding those things which is hard for her.

[00:12:04] We tried to get things back to normal throughout Christmas and New Years.

[00:12:08] Presently we're doing our therapy every two weeks and I see my therapist

[00:12:12] for weeks in between. Thinking back showing her the file with those

[00:12:15] pictures may have been a step too far. Our therapist said it was probably a

[00:12:19] lot for her to take in but I said it in our session and I said it the night of.

[00:12:23] She needed to completely understand what door she opened and what repercussions could come from

[00:12:28] what she did and what could happen to our theoretical children if she opens that door again.

[00:12:34] I'm not sure there was an alternative to showing her that file but I think she

[00:12:38] understands what I really went through. Now my wife will sometimes rub the scar lines on my face

[00:12:43] and just give me this strange look. She never questioned those scars before

[00:12:47] and she just looks at them like that sometimes. That's where we are at.

[00:12:52] As the way things came out before it seemed like she sought out my mum but I think she just

[00:12:56] got played and just attempted to give my mum some peace of mind but unintentionally made a

[00:13:01] problem that she didn't understand. Thank you again for those who reached out and offered support

[00:13:06] before. Unnecessary to read but for context. Example my wife gave in therapy about me not

[00:13:12] being present was this. We have a tradition in the second week of December. We go out together,

[00:13:17] get breakfast and do our Christmas shopping. Usually at Target because she likes getting a

[00:13:21] Starbucks or chocolate but as we go through she looked back at me and I was often staring

[00:13:27] off in the distance or not really giving full answers. I admitted I didn't remember most

[00:13:32] of what we did that day but she was sad because that's one of the things about the holiday

[00:13:36] she looks forward to is that day together. It's that time of the year. Your vacation

[00:13:44] is coming up. You can already hear the beach waves, feel the warm breeze, relax and think about

[00:13:54] work. You really really want it all to work out while you're away. Monday.com gives you and

[00:13:59] the team that peace of mind. When all work is on one platform and everyone's in sync,

[00:14:03] things just flow wherever you are. Tap the banner to go to Monday.com.

[00:14:11] Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems but getting therapy has its own problems

[00:14:16] too like finding the right therapist fitting into their schedule and of course the cost.

[00:14:21] Well better help can solve those problems. It's totally online and built around your schedule.

[00:14:26] It's surprisingly affordable too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video or online

[00:14:32] chat all from the comfort of your home. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more and save 10%

[00:14:37] on your first month. That's better help H E L P. In some of the top comments,

[00:14:45] Labris quotes, I caught some heat from her parents for showing her the file.

[00:14:49] Her parents had me promise them I'd protect her and not ruin her innocent view of the world.

[00:14:53] I guess is the way to word it. Ben says, does anyone else think this is kind of fucked up?

[00:15:00] It's this exact innocent view of the world that led her to be taken advantage of.

[00:15:04] What if the mother got the idea to have Opie's wife get them to meet face to face

[00:15:07] for a reunion? There's a difference between one's innocent view of the world being

[00:15:11] shattered by abuse and knowing enough about the world to not be naive and fall into traps like this.

[00:15:16] Opie's stronger than Arby in this situation. I wish him and his wife the best.

[00:15:22] And you know, I felt very much similar to that comment there. That line particularly jumped out

[00:15:26] to me about ruining her innocent view of the world. Of course no one wants their children to go

[00:15:32] around the world, you know, feeling sad about how everything is messed up and surely you

[00:15:38] don't want your kids going around thinking everything is innocent in this world either because it simply

[00:15:43] isn't. And just also on that comment, her parents had me promise that I'd protect her

[00:15:49] and not ruin her innocent view of the world. But she's not protecting him in this situation,

[00:15:54] it's not reversed in the situation. She was going to bring his abusive mother into his life.

[00:15:59] Well, she did. Mother N. He says, Opie, I don't think you did anything wrong by showing her

[00:16:04] the file. Was it traumatizing for her? Probably, but not nearly as traumatizing as it was for you

[00:16:09] to experience it when it happened, as well as being re-traumatized by her giving out information

[00:16:14] to your bio mum and her showing up at your work. Your wife knew what happened beforehand and still

[00:16:19] gave her the information. Even if it was strong armed into it, she still crossed your

[00:16:24] boundaries and violated your trust. Sometimes the only way for someone to truly understand

[00:16:29] the depth of a situation is to show them the horrors that resulted from that situation.

[00:16:34] I commend you for working on your marriage and trying to work through this with counselling.

[00:16:38] Personally, I'd have a hard time trusting her again, whether it was malicious or not.

[00:16:43] I'm big on the idea that marriages can be fixed if both parties are willing to put in

[00:16:47] the effort and as long as the situation isn't something that can't be redeemed.

[00:16:51] I hope that you're able to move on from this and find peace with the situation.

[00:16:56] Opie says, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your comment and addressing the concern about

[00:17:00] showing her the file and your perspective on this. Thank you. And Material Paint says,

[00:17:05] I think your wife was a bit naive and not wanting to be argumentative about the issue.

[00:17:10] She gave some info to keep your mother off. What she didn't know but should have known

[00:17:14] and learned is that your mother won't stop there. Even if you didn't provide any info

[00:17:19] about your mother's abuse, she owed it to you to talk with you about your mother's attempt

[00:17:23] and let you handle it. Even if it's to ignore her or say, fuck off and block her.

[00:17:29] I don't blame you for showing your wife the pics to drive your point because who knows,

[00:17:33] maybe after having your children, your wife may think the child needs all grandparents in

[00:17:38] its life and reach out to your mother. So it's good that you're processing all of this

[00:17:42] before thinking about children. And both of you are in the right place and I hope it's

[00:17:46] soon because you deserve it. You'll be able to work past your trauma and live your life

[00:17:51] happily. OP says, I think you're 100% spot on. Thank you. I gotta say, I found this one

[00:17:57] particularly tough because like a couple of those comments said, I'm not sure how I'd be

[00:18:01] able to move past that. Maybe I would but I feel like I wouldn't be able to move past that sort of

[00:18:06] lack of trust. But at the same time, I don't think OP is wrong for trying. It sounds like

[00:18:11] they're using all the tools around them to make the best of it. They go into counseling,

[00:18:17] couples counseling as well. Wife seems to be educating herself on what OP has been through.

[00:18:23] I don't think OP was wrong at all for showing her that file. I think she really needed to

[00:18:29] see what OP had been through and the damage that this did cause and could cause in the

[00:18:35] future if it happens again. But I do really wish you all the best going forward and I

[00:18:40] hope things do turn out the way that you hope. I'm certainly siding her parents in this and

[00:18:47] their influence on her but I don't know. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:18:53] and let's move on to another story. And our next story is from the Am I the Arshole subreddit.

[00:18:59] Doesn't have an update yet from Elle Send Me who says, Am I the Arshole for not asking my

[00:19:04] husband for permission? English is not my first language. My apologies for any misspelling.

[00:19:10] For background my husband, male 37 and I female 34 are dinks. We don't have any economic troubles.

[00:19:18] I just had to look up dinks because I was like what the hell is that? But apparently on Google it says

[00:19:24] hopefully this isn't wrong. It says double slash dual income no kids which makes sense. Every

[00:19:31] day is a learning day. I believe everything started with a trip that we took last month.

[00:19:36] We were hiking to the top of a small hill and was having a lot of trouble keeping up.

[00:19:40] Really old people passing me by. I know it's my fault as I work from home and on my free time

[00:19:47] I'm a couch potato. I was really angry with myself so I told my husband when I get back

[00:19:52] I'm getting a peloton bike. He was really supportive and said it would be good for me

[00:19:57] as I've been wanting one for a while. So when I got back I opened my laptop and ordered

[00:20:02] the bike. That day I told him that the bike would arrive on next day. He was visibly angry and asked

[00:20:07] me why I did not tell him. As we agreed any big purchase should be discussed between the both of

[00:20:12] us. I was confused as I did tell him. He told me that I should tell him at the moment I'm

[00:20:18] making the purchase. I told him about the purchase. What he wants is me to ask permission to get

[00:20:23] it but it's my extra money to spend. I do not need his permission. He said it's not my money

[00:20:29] it's our money. He's been pushing to have everything in a joint but I like to have the money

[00:20:34] in my account. I've worked very hard to be independent and I don't rely on any man to support me.

[00:20:39] I believe I should get to have money and decide when to spend it. I know it sounds rough so

[00:20:44] I want to know if I'm the asshole. Now my first initial reaction to this is that you did

[00:20:50] tell him about it when you was hiking and he even told you that it would be good for you so

[00:20:55] his reaction to everything else is just weird and I would certainly not be joining your finances

[00:21:02] but helpful hour says not the asshole. You did tell him you were going to buy it and he agreed.

[00:21:07] His reaction is a red flag. Do not agree to join finances with him. If this is how he reacts when

[00:21:12] you use your own money to make a purchase that he already knew about and encouraged you can bet

[00:21:17] he's going to start being increasingly in controlling once you put your money in a joint

[00:21:21] account. Hope he says that's what I think. Things like this I don't feel comfortable joining

[00:21:27] finances. He follows this old guy Dave Ramsey who gives financial advice and says everything

[00:21:32] should be joined after marriage but just imagining my personal account to be empty

[00:21:36] gives me the creeps. Exotic army says not the asshole. Me and my fiance have separate

[00:21:41] accounts and one joint account for the overhead expenses like bills and kids.

[00:21:46] It works so much better for us. We do discuss big purchases together but it's more like a

[00:21:50] regular conversation. Neither really asks for permission unless it's like a gun purchase then

[00:21:55] I do want to be informed as that is pretty serious. So many of the comments were exactly

[00:22:01] the same on this questioning what his thought process is behind this and suggested not to

[00:22:05] actually you know join finances afterwards but what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:22:11] Now just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's

[00:22:14] stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me so

[00:22:18] thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.

[00:23:18] With Quinn's go to quince.com slash style for free shipping and 365 day returns.