My Wife Is ANGRY I Told Her "I Just Don't Care" When I Discovered Her Affair r/Relationships

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[00:00:35] Much love, guys. Today's first story comes from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit from

[00:00:40] unusualcapital9083 and says, Am I the Arsehole here for not caring about my wife's affair?

[00:00:49] My 29 male wife, 29 female, has been having an affair for two years and I have been aware of it

[00:00:56] pretty much the whole time. We've been together seven years and married for five.

[00:01:01] We don't have kids. I've been working from home since COVID hit. For the last three plus years,

[00:01:06] she's been a secretary in a large office building. Now, I'm not going to pretend like we had the

[00:01:11] perfect marriage two years ago and that I can't believe she would do this. I was totally complacent

[00:01:16] in my life and really wasn't putting much effort into our relationship at all. That doesn't

[00:01:22] excuse what she did and she had her own issues with intimacy and communication that led us

[00:01:27] to where we were then. I just want it clear that I'm no saint in all of this. I totally understand

[00:01:33] we were basically roommates that on rare occasions had sex. Well, I found out right away when the

[00:01:40] emotional affair started. I've got all of our everything logged into every device we have,

[00:01:45] including my work computer. I mean synced email, text, photo, social media, etc. So I was

[00:01:52] basically reading her affair regularly, including when it became a physical affair about four weeks in.

[00:01:59] A part that told me it was over though was I felt nothing about this. I was totally indifferent,

[00:02:05] maybe a little embarrassed at worst. When the physical affair started two years ago,

[00:02:10] I recognized this marriage was dead and that I should just divorce mostly because I felt

[00:02:15] nothing. I started looking into lawyers and figured we could just do this easy and amicably.

[00:02:21] Well, here's where the crazy part happens. When the emotional affair started she seemed

[00:02:27] wouldn't say happy but less sad. Then the weekend after the physical affair started

[00:02:33] I got the shock of my life. She came into my office that Saturday morning and asked me to

[00:02:38] take her on a hike and picnic. Initially I thought this is the moment to burst her

[00:02:42] bubble and reveal what I know. But I didn't. I decided to actually get up and do this.

[00:02:49] I kind of thought she was going to reveal it herself and ask for divorce.

[00:02:53] We had a real nice time. It was a great day and she never brought up anything.

[00:02:58] I chalked it up as one more good memory before we end this thing.

[00:03:02] Then she asked me out again that week and we had intimacy. I don't know if it was shame or

[00:03:07] guilt or what but she was basically taking the initiative to improve our marriage.

[00:03:13] After that first week she began to open up more about her feelings.

[00:03:17] I for some reason had a fire lit under me and started to make some effort in our relationship.

[00:03:23] Started reconnecting with some old friends but all the laundry off the gym equipment.

[00:03:28] The affair continued but as we spent more time together over those early weeks and

[00:03:33] since it really gave me no concern and everything seemed better.

[00:03:37] I decided to just forget about it and divorcing her and just start enjoying my life.

[00:03:42] I do still love this woman very much.

[00:03:45] Up until two days ago we were in a really solid place. We had outings every other weekend,

[00:03:50] date night Thursday, regular intimacy and communication.

[00:03:54] I didn't even read their messages anymore. Just occasionally to see if it's still going on.

[00:04:00] Two days ago I noticed she was having frequent and long conversations with one of her close

[00:04:04] friends. I asked my wife about it and it turns out that his friend's husband got caught

[00:04:10] having an affair. My wife has been comforting her. This would not have been a big deal but my

[00:04:14] wife then started bashing the husband for cheating. I don't know why I said it but it came out.

[00:04:19] You're one to judge. She got super defensive impressing me for why I said that.

[00:04:24] I initially tried to apologize and move on but she wasn't letting up and I eventually

[00:04:29] spilled I've known about her affair the whole time. She tried to play dumb which annoyed me so

[00:04:35] I started citing specifics. She then got really mad at me, started crying accusing me of not caring

[00:04:42] about her. I got pissed then and started yelling at her because I'm not the one having an affair.

[00:04:48] It got heated and we went to separate rooms and slept it off.

[00:04:52] Yesterday morning she got up extra early and went to work before I got up.

[00:04:56] I tuned back into their messages and she had broken up with a fair partner.

[00:05:00] She was messaging her constantly on every app and she just kept blocking him.

[00:05:05] She came home early yesterday. I went to talk to her and she stopped me,

[00:05:10] looked at me and asked how I could let this go on. I replied because I just didn't care.

[00:05:16] She then called me a huge asshole and locked herself in our bedroom until she left for work

[00:05:20] this morning. She got home tonight said nothing to me and locked herself in again.

[00:05:25] I can't even imagine in what bizarre world I could possibly be the asshole in this situation.

[00:05:32] Is there a perspective out there where I am? If so please share it with me because in my mind

[00:05:38] there isn't. And in the comments Liam says not the asshole but telling her you just didn't care

[00:05:43] put her in a funny place against the guilt she's been feeling and the attempt to rediscover your

[00:05:48] relationship but most definitely not the asshole. Hiranisora says the opposite of love isn't hate,

[00:05:56] it's indifference. Alibaba Adreplysat says in it's always so much words for the cheetah

[00:06:02] they expect rage and then boom they didn't even care at all really f**ks with them. Pick your

[00:06:07] teeth up says on the back of that most affairs come from low self-esteem they need more validation

[00:06:12] than a relationship can give them. It's very immature seeking outside confirmation of your

[00:06:17] value rather than just working on yourself. So to cheat because you are not sure you're good enough

[00:06:23] only to have that seemingly confirmed when you're discovered is a double blow. This isn't excusing

[00:06:29] cheating hopefully nobody will read it like that but if you can understand someone's underlying

[00:06:33] motivation you can sometimes understand their seemingly unusual actions. Edit. Broke this

[00:06:39] not expecting many people to see it so it's quite broad and generalizes a lot but now it's

[00:06:44] been upvoted more people are seeing it and it's hurt some of them because they feel it doesn't

[00:06:49] reflect their situation. Being cheated on is super s**t I'm so very sorry for unintentionally

[00:06:55] triggering people with this comment you deserve so much better and I hope you've already found it.

[00:07:00] I'm going to leave it unedited because other people are saying it's helped them

[00:07:05] and I also feel it's true in a general sense. Emphasis on general. There are clearly loads

[00:07:11] of exceptions and more than a few sociopaths out there. Natural ad says not the arsehole. She was

[00:07:17] the arsehole for having the affair. She's upset you didn't get crazy mad and confront her about it

[00:07:22] when you first found out. Makes her think you don't care about her at all. This is dumb of course

[00:07:28] since she was the one who valued you so little that she cheated but it still feels like you were

[00:07:33] the arsehole to her. I doubt she's going to try to do the whole it's your fault I cheated thing

[00:07:38] but she's embarrassed that you just let it go on like it was no big deal. That's a shot to the ego.

[00:07:44] Opie says yeah another commenter said something similar. I don't necessarily think she's trying

[00:07:49] to turn it around on me. I think she's upset that I don't care. Opie gave a quick little

[00:07:55] update in the comments that says quick updates. She came to me about 12 30 last night.

[00:08:00] Got a pretty deep discussion that felt incomplete. We were both exhausted and emotional.

[00:08:06] We promise to continue today when she gets home from work.

[00:08:10] I will post an update either late tonight or tomorrow morning. Not 100% on where we stand right now but

[00:08:16] the tone was somewhat optimistic. At the same time I don't want to give her an incomplete update.

[00:08:22] I did not show her this post yet but will tonight. Thanks for all the responses so far.

[00:08:27] I'm seeing more and more how poorly I've handled the situation because this is a very

[00:08:31] common comment and EA means emotional affair and PA means physical affair. Sorry for using acronyms.

[00:08:39] Opie does come in with her updates as first off I appreciate everyone's comments on the

[00:08:43] original post except those of you that just get on and throw insults. You need therapy more than

[00:08:48] anyone on this whole sub. If you missed the original post you can see it in my profile.

[00:08:53] I decided again showing the post or any comments instead I used it to organize my thoughts

[00:08:58] Our conversations I'm going to share below in no way were linear. We jumped around in

[00:09:04] topic talking this which led to that only to come back to this reveal that and so on.

[00:09:10] I'm just going to try and put it all together as coherently as possible.

[00:09:14] Like I said in a comment on the other post my wife finally came out at around 12 30 a.m

[00:09:20] Friday and joined me on the couch in my office. She curled in next to me and just cried for

[00:09:24] a solid 15 to 20 minutes and we were just silent otherwise. When she was ready we began talking

[00:09:31] until we were worn out. We picked that up again last night which was also taxing.

[00:09:37] We finally finished up for now this morning. This includes long spells of crying hysterical

[00:09:43] bonding and a phone call to the affair partner while I listened he was aware. The start of

[00:09:48] the affair was pretty cliche. Blurty small talk makes her feel good escalates become messaging

[00:09:54] and sharing personal details and eventually to kissing. Probably don't need to explain the rest

[00:10:00] of the escalation from there. We talked a lot about what got her to that point. She remembers

[00:10:05] it seemed like nothing she did could get my attention. I agreed with this completely.

[00:10:10] I also stated though that I don't remember too many attempts. She acknowledged that she wasn't

[00:10:15] very forthcoming in those days always hinting at what she wanted and not just outright saying it.

[00:10:21] There wasn't any one moment she said that broke the camel's back just the collection of times.

[00:10:27] When a fair partner came into the picture the validation was intoxicating especially in

[00:10:32] contrast to years of neglect however she said she felt a ton of guilt and shame. She was in

[00:10:38] the same spot I was when it started assuming we were just divorced as we were largely just

[00:10:43] roommates at that point. The hike in picnic was supposed to be the last bit of assurance that our

[00:10:49] marriage was over. She did not expect me to agree to go or for it to be such a pleasant time.

[00:10:55] From that point we started reconnecting and she made the decision to make the effort as long as I

[00:10:59] kept making the effort. She opened up more and I was responding. That got us to where we've

[00:11:04] been the last two years. As to why she didn't end it with a fair partner once I was back

[00:11:10] she admitted she was just being selfish kept telling herself she would but didn't actually want to.

[00:11:16] I was planning dates listening and back to initiating intimacy often. He doted on her and

[00:11:22] validated her. She had the best of everything eventually she just convinced herself what I

[00:11:28] what I didn't know didn't hurt me. This makes her feel stupid now knowing I knew the whole

[00:11:32] time. She talked about my surveillance and she said she's having trouble getting over this

[00:11:37] and feels betrayed. I didn't give her any excuses. It came up because she did ask how I knew

[00:11:44] and I told that she's been logged into our old desktop slash my work computer

[00:11:47] on our email, insta, Facebook etc for years as well as it being connected to our cloud.

[00:11:53] I owned up to how wrong this was but we both agreed that if we're going to make the reconciliation

[00:11:58] work we're going to have to forgive each other for a lot of things. As many said and were right

[00:12:04] about my I don't care statement was extremely triggering and hurtful. It took her right back

[00:12:09] to where we used to be. I took advice and organized my thoughts and told her that it wasn't that I

[00:12:15] don't care. I care about her immensely and change for the better these last two years because I

[00:12:19] wanted to be there for her. If there's one thing that my family and friends know me for

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[00:12:49] slash a cast that's 1800flowers.com slash a cast. A lot can happen in three years like a

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[00:13:07] Learn more at UH1.com. I then explained that I should have said it doesn't bother me.

[00:13:16] She's still trying to wrap her head around this. I'm trying to explain how I just basically

[00:13:20] don't feel jealousy or insecurity which is hard to put into words. It also causes a mix

[00:13:25] of emotions on her end. I told her that her being happy again made everything worth it for me.

[00:13:31] Also the affair got me off my ass for the first time in years so in a way I've kind of told myself

[00:13:36] it was a blessing these past years. Finally to address the breakup with a fair partner.

[00:13:41] She said once it was out she went into a doomed spiral thinking everything in her life was a

[00:13:46] sham. She felt guilty over everything. She cut him loose and locked me out. She was basically

[00:13:52] beating herself up for being awful to both of us. Listen to her call with him was hard even

[00:13:58] for me. From what she's told me in our conversations and the call I'm pretty convinced he was slash

[00:14:04] is in love with her. I think he was holding out hope that we were divorced at some point.

[00:14:09] She laid it out for him that we would not and we're going to do everything to make this

[00:14:13] marriage work. He didn't beg or degrade himself but seemed genuinely hurt. When the call ended

[00:14:19] she reblocked him and stated she has to go no contact so he can heal and actually go

[00:14:25] find someone and we can fix our issues. We are working out our plans to fix our marriage.

[00:14:31] Not totally sure where to go from here. She wants individual counseling for herself so

[00:14:36] we will make that happen. After she has done that for a while we will probably start marriage

[00:14:41] counseling. We are also going to symbolically fresh start and I'm getting a new work

[00:14:46] computer. From there it's being open and honest with each other every day and making

[00:14:51] sure we are being present in our lives. I love this woman very much and want to make this work.

[00:14:57] Now to address some of the other questions. Sorry to all the poly slash enm people.

[00:15:03] We did not discuss this. She never called herself anything other than a cheetah or unfaithful.

[00:15:09] I don't have the emotional bandwidth to bring this up right now so if this is ever

[00:15:13] discussed it'll be down the road. I've never tested for autism or depression or

[00:15:17] anything really. I've always been stoic and was raised that men don't show emotion

[00:15:22] only when appropriate. I seriously doubt I have any underlying undiagnosed mental health issue.

[00:15:28] I've never been much of a feelings person but I'm good in a social scene and understand

[00:15:33] societal norms. Some people just don't feel as deeply as everyone else seems to.

[00:15:38] Don't know if this is the update everyone wanted but it's where we are at today.

[00:15:43] Might be somewhere totally different tomorrow. Right now all I can do is take it a day at a time.

[00:15:51] A couple of the top comments. Macca says this is the woman who flamed her friend's husband for

[00:15:56] cheating when she was doing the same thing. She was a hypocrite and would have kept her

[00:16:00] affair had you not informed her that you knew. She's not regretful she cheated

[00:16:05] but that she got caught. Good luck OP. Erin Prime says yes to you in a few years when

[00:16:10] you post again. Peter Lee says I doubt it will be that long when a cheater is rewarded they cheat again.

[00:16:17] OP replies saying I'm going to offer some clarification since the main hang up aside

[00:16:21] from the in sales obsessed with the word cuck is that my wife said she felt betrayed.

[00:16:26] Reality of our conversations is that they are 90% of her self depreciating and begging

[00:16:31] for forgiveness. Talking through her affair the triggers the wise the feelings and 10%

[00:16:37] of us talking about the parts I played surveillance my universal apathy or indifference.

[00:16:43] Honestly it's like pulling teeth together to open up about how my actions made her feel.

[00:16:47] And I understand why the response is just one of the faults of Reddit communication.

[00:16:52] I'm here having these conversations in real time. Everyone else is reading a 10 paragraph

[00:16:58] summary which is going to make things seem equal or one sided. Understand when responding you

[00:17:04] only have the issue in front of you but try to realize there is more than just what's typed.

[00:17:09] And I think a lot of the comments on this one basically said he set her up to be able to

[00:17:14] have another affair and get away with it next time. And for me I just would never be able to

[00:17:21] move past that regardless of how you feel what happened previously in the relationship you know

[00:17:27] them just like basically falling out of love not working on their relationship and things like

[00:17:32] you know it doesn't excuse the cheating. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys would you

[00:17:38] ever be able to move past something like that? Oh dear me let us know your thoughts down in

[00:17:45] the comments below and let's move on to another story. And our next story comes from the

[00:17:52] Am I the Arsoul subreddit from a throwaway account it does have an update but it's very

[00:17:56] tiny and it says I'm the arsoul for refusing to pay for my step daughter's tuition because

[00:18:02] she never liked me. I female 39 married my husband male 54 six years ago together eight

[00:18:11] as two children male 20 and female 19 Emma. I have a daughter female nine I was a widow when

[00:18:19] I met my husband. Emma had severe issues with her father getting married again while her brother

[00:18:24] got along very well with me and my daughter is the best older brother out there. Emma did not like

[00:18:30] me and she treated my daughter very badly too to the degree that she almost never left my arms when

[00:18:36] her sister was home. When Emma was 15 she permanently moved in to live with her mother.

[00:18:42] By decease husband left me a small fortune when he passed that I never touched since I had a

[00:18:47] good job never wanted anything more so last year I helped paying my steps on tuition.

[00:18:53] I'm planning to do that with my daughter too and the rest I will add to my daughter.

[00:18:58] My stepdaughter is very angry now calling me the arsoul am I I never had a good relationship

[00:19:05] with her she always hated me and I don't think she's becoming a good person and honestly

[00:19:10] I'd rather leave more to my daughter and pay for her ungrateful arse. My husband is sad because

[00:19:16] he thinks I am being unjust I'm very sad about it but I still don't feel like I'm the

[00:19:21] arsoul. Northern tropics says this and not the arsoul she has no claim on your money she hasn't

[00:19:28] treated you as family so you don't have to treat her as family your husband should feel

[00:19:33] blessed you chose to give some of your first husband's money to his son not many people

[00:19:37] would do this she is not entitled to anything from you and she can't even give you respect

[00:19:42] by how father feels about you. Opie says she says this was the proof that I treated her badly

[00:19:49] cranky wife says not the arsoul Emma has two parents who can fund her she's not your child

[00:19:55] she's not even your friend how hubby if he wants everyone to be equal then you will withdraw from

[00:20:00] helping his son they are all ungrateful instead of being appreciative of what you are giving

[00:20:06] they look at what else they can demand from you Emma's parents are getting a break by

[00:20:10] your paying brother's tuition so they can put more of their assets towards Emma to make it

[00:20:15] fair if they want step parent does not mean they're entitled to your assets

[00:20:20] Wes Covina says more info please if I understand Emma was 13 when you married her father and

[00:20:25] brought a three-year-old daughter into the marriage is that right how long had her parents

[00:20:31] been divorced before your marriage did anyone make any attempt to help a 13 year old used to be

[00:20:36] in the youngest maybe still reeling from her parents breakup adapt to their parents divorce

[00:20:41] her father's remarriage and a sudden acquisition of both stepmother and a much younger sibling

[00:20:47] did you seriously continually walk around carrying a three-year-old all the time how much time did Emma

[00:20:53] get with her father before and after the marriage did you make any attempt to understand Emma's issues

[00:20:59] Opie says it evolved shortly after Emma's birth after she moved back with her mother my

[00:21:05] husband spent Sundays with them because she refused to visit our place from what I experienced

[00:21:09] with my husband he's a good father both his children are well adjusted people

[00:21:14] he's a great father to my daughter too and one more comment with a different take on the matter

[00:21:20] from considerate tree who says I'm not going to call you the asshole here I'm going to do something

[00:21:24] that is dangerous on reddit and try to offer a little bit of nuance stepdaughter was 11 to 13

[00:21:29] when her father replaced her family with a new wife and baby I know that is overly dramatic

[00:21:35] that's what it might seem like to a preteen when you marry someone who has young children you are not

[00:21:40] just marrying that person you are joining their family I know she has a bio mum still I'm not

[00:21:45] saying you agreed to be her mum but you did agree to be an authority figure in her life now as a

[00:21:51] stepmother can be hard to support and nurture while not overstepping as you are not her mother

[00:21:56] but it should not be hard to see why it is difficult for her to open up to you in that

[00:22:00] situation you are not the asshole in who you choose to support with your money in that single

[00:22:06] instance whether or not you are an asshole in general has a lot to do with the effort you made

[00:22:11] to be a positive influence in her life up until now it's the adult burden to build those

[00:22:16] relationships because it is the adult who is consented to have that relationship in their life

[00:22:21] 11 is a funny age where it may not be possible to build a familial bond it is not old enough

[00:22:27] that a lack of respect could not be corrected which is the father's responsibility in this situation

[00:22:34] if she is openly rude or disrespectful to you and your daughter it is not entirely her fault

[00:22:39] the adults need to take some responsibility for that situation how much responsibility belongs

[00:22:45] to who depends on a lot of context that can't be gleaned from this post alone

[00:22:49] OP comes in with her update and says hi this is my update and then says they must have sent

[00:22:54] this message hi Emma unfortunately I have no means to pay for your education nor do I understand what

[00:22:59] you'd expect me to however I can help you with finding your student jobs on evenings and weekends

[00:23:04] I know many children doing that including myself wish you good luck then I assume this is the

[00:23:10] reply that just says okay okay whatever bitch oh dearie dearie me but now I'm gonna turn this

[00:23:18] one to you guys what do you guys make of that situation let us know your thoughts down in the

[00:23:24] comments below and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's

[00:23:29] stories your love your support your time always means the absolute world to me so thank you so

[00:23:33] so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love here's a cool fact

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