My Wife "Friendzoned" Me And Wants A Platonic Relationship r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I dub you all well, my name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories and if you do love a Reddit Story why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:19] Now today's first story is titled My Wife Friendzoned Me And Wants A Platonic Companionship. My wife, 35F and I, 35M, have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids, 12 and 14. We absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best

[00:00:41] possible life for them. For the past 3 years things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional

[00:00:57] toll that can have on marriages. However, for these past 3 years my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far

[00:01:13] the darkest year in our marriage. We didn't talk very much, we essentially became roommates co-parenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy

[00:01:30] in the household because of that. We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would

[00:01:45] love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed my wife started to tell me that she was no longer in love with me and that she only saw me as a best

[00:01:56] friend. That she loved me in a very platonic way and this was one of the main reasons she didn't have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex. This was very shocking to me and

[00:02:07] quite frankly I was devastated. I became angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after we were back to square one. I sat

[00:02:23] down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies and her answer was, I don't know and that I have

[00:02:33] built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from. As you can imagine this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this. I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently we have arrived at

[00:02:48] a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply companionship which basically means our co-parenting roommate

[00:02:59] dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what it is about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and her response is always, I don't know. She stated that she does love

[00:03:11] me but it's not the same, that she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my co-parenting

[00:03:21] contributions are meaningful to her in our home. I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent.

[00:03:37] I feel like what she means with companionship is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and financial contributions to the household. In regard to intimacy and all sex, she basically told me that it's not something she's interested

[00:03:52] in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point of any of that is to be intoxicated which I believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not

[00:04:02] think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise it upset her and made her more distant.

[00:04:14] We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each other's phones, emails, socials etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly I believe her. We then

[00:04:29] peacefully went through each other's things and as expected it was clean. We've always been very forward even with a hard topic so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity. Am I wrong for declining to be only intimate or have sex when she's intoxicated? I'm firm

[00:04:46] on my stance of not partaking in this only when I'm high or drunk sex because it doesn't sit well with me. I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a

[00:04:56] bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and

[00:05:11] some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it. Some of the comments were looking at the history of this and doing a bit of investigation

[00:05:26] and discovered that they were swingers in the past. Nopi replies saying we did some swinging in the past, that was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we've established this is not the case. When we were swinging however our marriage

[00:05:40] seemed to be in a good place. This is something we did disclose with our couples therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we're not neglecting an obvious potential issue.

[00:05:49] I will say I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that has affected her view on our relationship and she said it wasn't. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven, nothing really emotional or poly. Truth is I'd have

[00:06:05] to believe her at her word, I have no reason to distrust her. To date she's always been very forward and never afraid of dealing with things head on, no matter how painful. So people were still questioning is this the consequences of swinging and Nopi says the

[00:06:19] issue existed long before the lifestyle. I agree that swinging wasn't a solution in the end, never was meant to be, it was more of discovering or exploring if she felt any different. If that was the case we agreed we would talk about and if we arrive at that

[00:06:34] conclusion that myself is the problem and she has no problem with other men we'd amicably part ways. However this wasn't the case, she didn't like sex nor intimacy there either. She's very much in control of that whole swinging situation and yes I went along with

[00:06:48] it, what gives? It felt very organic and it was her effort if you will. They're discovering more and learning more about our current issue. I saw it as a means of learning if I'm the

[00:06:59] problem and was very much ready to accept that. It turns out it wasn't the case. Which as a miser sounds awful, I very much hate that. Nopi had some more information if this started when the swinging ended. Nopi says finally

[00:07:13] a comment on the swinging topic with actual insight. You're absolutely right about the fact the swinging experience had things and changes that will impact our marriage and lives forever. For example the best thing swinging taught us, even above sexual exploration,

[00:07:27] was the level of transparent and open communication it requires. We would literally have mental orgasms having dialogue with such intentionality. We implemented that in all our lives in areas including parenting with our children. She agrees that we're thankful for that takeaway

[00:07:42] from our swinging. Honestly I cannot stress it enough with people here. Yes we explored swinging however it was actually a positive experience. When we decided to stop it was because it felt natural and organic to just do so.

[00:07:55] In fact we met with a couple who we meshed super well with the night before. We actually enjoyed the actual friendship and even spent time as vanilla friends. That wasn't because of something negative. Wife mentioned that it certainly wasn't any better and since she's

[00:08:10] not enjoying the sex we both agreed that there's no point to this. I agreed and we moved on and we're still friends with those people because it's great. All that said I know more often than not swinging causes massive issues however this was something we explored in

[00:08:23] pursuit of a solution to an issue that was present way before. I think of it as a practical approach to trying to solve the problem. Now I'm not going to get into the whole swinging

[00:08:33] side of things, I ain't got a clue. But obviously marriage takes two people to work and if she's checked out what else is there? She says that she has built up resentment towards you but doesn't know where it comes from. It just feels like she's holding something back.

[00:08:49] Doesn't want to say anything but OP says she's very open upfront, a go getter type person. So why would she hold anything back? Especially when she's telling you that she resents you. That's pretty damning in itself. I don't know. I wouldn't know what's going on so we're going

[00:09:03] to move onto the update which says. I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took

[00:09:11] many of the responses, comments and suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation. One of the main things that is the buzz word

[00:09:26] of this has been the term resentment and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me that she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally or mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once

[00:09:40] again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long, 15 years and being together since we're 14 years old. A long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19 years old, me 20, significantly changed the trajectory of our lives. We experienced

[00:09:58] severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies, 2 kids now ages 12 and 14. She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards

[00:10:14] this and 90% of the responses were very our kids focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying yes it sucked because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids. I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged

[00:10:30] us to look outside of the lens of being a mother and try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated

[00:10:41] with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She was also very clear in saying I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly

[00:10:51] lost all my friends. This was huge because one of the big pieces that caused a strain in our lives is how siloed and isolated we have been, again busy raising kids. I followed

[00:11:01] up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships. For the past 3 plus years we have had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life, especially when you have similar peers that

[00:11:16] can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends

[00:11:33] or even herself has always been the kids. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to the kids to some degree. At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator, the kids, in most of the frustrations

[00:11:49] and problems she was experiencing. I simply asked her, do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?

[00:11:58] I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it takes two to tango. I did feel

[00:12:08] like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these burdens. So we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually. Towards the end of the session we began to

[00:12:20] discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point it was still very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in

[00:12:31] asking my wife what her plan moving forward. Note that I decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being co-parenting roommate, then I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me. She started basically saying the same thing, that she

[00:12:45] doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now, that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me, as mentioned in my first post.

[00:12:55] I also brought up brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was a somewhat mechanical approach for a solution

[00:13:06] to a problem that was very much in existence when we tried this. We both really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.

[00:13:16] I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the route for resentment, which was discouraging. I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be okay with that arrangement. I

[00:13:29] told her that I have really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently

[00:13:37] not doing. I was very direct in saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions, maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship. I expressed how I'm not going

[00:13:51] to be a convenience and that there was more to life than being roommates and co-parents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better.

[00:14:01] I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that if she wasn't, it's okay. However, I will not be part of something where these

[00:14:10] efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving and I do not want a divorce. However, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues, a divorce will be the only outcome. Of course, there were tears involved and it

[00:14:23] was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It

[00:14:33] is painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing this dynamic already is very cold and transactional. Here is where it gets very interesting. I started working on implementing

[00:14:49] many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate and co-parent reproach and that it should be no mistake that I'm not happy here and I'm never going

[00:15:04] to be okay with it. I'm done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it. She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things

[00:15:18] to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.

[00:15:28] We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. A few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I

[00:15:39] didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she thinks something is wrong with me because I'm indifferent. I simply listened and told her that this is the dynamic

[00:15:50] she proposed and that I'm simply, much like her, taking care of myself and focusing on myself. I'm not going to lie, it's been very hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before,

[00:16:02] I love her and wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get away and still keep me in the friend zone.

[00:16:10] So I've been staying the course. We're now going on a week of this 180 and let's just say, there have been many changes on her side. I think she's starting to realize that there

[00:16:20] is more to me than just friends and co-parenting. I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50-50 and she LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was out of left field to which I responded,

[00:16:36] hey friends go in 50-50 and as your friend I expect nothing less. This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of what I'm really being taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked.

[00:16:50] I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that it's still a bargain because she would still have 100% if she was on her own. I'll wrap up with this, while the 180 has been working in many different areas,

[00:17:04] I'm still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been many eye opening statements being said and realization that has not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well.

[00:17:17] She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while it's hard to turn down, I hope if things improve this continues to happen. I have also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is huge

[00:17:31] because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go.

[00:17:44] We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign. Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter that outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done.

[00:17:57] We're still going to continue to couple's therapies until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this non-biased third party really helps as a witness and guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however I will not participate

[00:18:12] in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage because we both deserve better. Thank you all for the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all

[00:18:24] the best. There was a couple of comments after this which OP responds to so Cats Gambit says So I'm going to assume that your wife has a lucrative job and you're both going 50-50 on

[00:18:34] childcare as you both work and share children. Because otherwise this is just plain financially abusive and if you're planning on saying I won't pay the bills unless you have sex with me, sexually abusive as well. Assuming that is the case and you aren't a total piece of shit,

[00:18:49] I'm actually interested in how this works out for you. I feel like I'm in an unstated similar situation. We both work and have blended finances, but we don't go to bed together or eat together,

[00:18:59] have barely any intimacy, kiss or two, hug every couple of days and spend maybe 8 hours a week together, just the three of us, him, me and the toddler. Even less just the two of us, maybe 3

[00:19:11] hours a week. Otherwise he's on his game or out playing sports, watching YouTube or whatever else he does. It barely feels like a friend situation, let alone a marriage. I'm curious how she handles it. As the spouse that presumably was pulling away first, hope you keep us updated.

[00:19:28] OP says Yes, we both have degrees, good careers and while I make significantly more money, her salary is very proficient and above average. The 50-50 was not to cripple nor hurt her

[00:19:38] financially. That is cruel, but mostly to send a message on what a roommate dynamic looks like in the real world. I really dislike how many people immediately jump to conclusions about the finances

[00:19:49] as a way of manipulating her. It's not the case at all. Plenty of money left over after bills, however 50-50 means she has less whatever money and the understanding that roommates share everything equally. Prior to this 180 approach, we did everything together and with our kids. We

[00:20:06] always saw ourselves as a unit that do things together, both alone and with the kids too. That's changed. Now where I'm choosing to focus on more independent types of pastimes and focus, that is what has sparked a reaction and realization of there's more than just roommates here.

[00:20:22] The Lone Jackal says How does one dump half of the household expenses on the other person if they share a bank account? Or are your finances kept separately? Just curious how this would work if applied to my life. Excellent question, we shared everything. The proposed 50-50 was

[00:20:39] suggesting we place the necessary amount to pay the bills in the same account and any left over money can be deposited to a new account. I think this is why she was very upset. She felt like a

[00:20:49] huge loss of control knowing she won't be able to monitor my finances. Also, she felt a huge loss in her left over money with this arrangement and saw that I would keep significantly more of my own.

[00:21:00] This is still being worked out because I think she is calling my bluff here but my plan is to notify her next week as I modify my direct deposit and open a new account. It will definitely be

[00:21:10] more real there. To be clear for all the trolls here, yes she will have less left over money after responsibilities and it's still enough to live on. Example, for reference, assuming I make $3,000 a month, she makes $1,000 a month. Responsibilities are $1,000 a month so she'd contribute $500 and I

[00:21:29] would contribute $500 whereas before she would contribute only $250. This is the last comment I'll add regarding money and finances. She's fine and she's not hurting. I promise. So someone asked what if she leaves for another man? OP says interesting,

[00:21:44] she has no shortage of men hitting on her and we're by no means jealous people. I've witnessed this multiple times and her reactions are somewhat indifferent. I will say if another man for her was the answer, she'd tell me or she'd have some inkling maybe.

[00:21:58] There's no telling but I think the problem is deeper than superficial attention from a different person. You might be right and if this is the case so be it. However, I'll live with peace knowing

[00:22:09] I left no stone left unturned. Crazy thought, I know I'd have been disappointed and saddened if she left for another man. If she did leave for another man, I would accept the bare minimum.

[00:22:19] But I'd also feel peace knowing it's not all my fault. I know I'm responsible in some way to some degree. That's just marriage. I know sadness and depressing will creep but we'll both overcome

[00:22:30] but if this does happen at least there'll be clear reasons and clarity as to why it did. Also, I know for a fact that she wouldn't cheat. We're both very blunt and open and transparent.

[00:22:40] She would definitely tell me that she wants to step out of our marriage before it actually happens. As would I. We owe ourselves this respect for each other and we actively practice it.

[00:23:14] But I'm worried about how this will affect the children. Kids pick up on this kind of thing, especially at 12 and 14 years old. They're going to see this. I think it's time to stop this. Especially for the children's benefit.

[00:23:38] I know it sounds unhealthy but are you guys happy with the way things are going? It certainly doesn't sound like it. And if one day wife turns around and says,

[00:23:51] oh I do want this to work, are you going to trust her or are you just going to think, oh she just wants things to go back to how they were before, maybe financially.

[00:23:59] It just feels like the marriage has been soured so I can't see any way back from that. What do you guys make of this situation?