My Stepmom Got My Children Gifts And I Immediately DONATED Them r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider? Hit that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from SMGifts throw away from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit. And it says, Am I the arsehole for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

[00:00:28] I, 34 female, have no contact with my stepmother, Mary. Long story not worth explaining. It's been five years since I cut her off from mine and my family's lives. As such, she hasn't seen my son, eight male, since he was three years old. And she's never met my daughter, 4 female. Throughout the years, she has attempted to contact me and the kids several times. My father used to help her sometimes. It'd tell me how awful she felt, how much she wanted to meet my daughter.

[00:00:58] And that the kids needed their grandma. I've never considered her a grandparent, as both my mother and mother-in-law are active in their lives. Several fights later, my father apologized and stopped assisting her. But Mary still tries to get in touch with me every now and then. I always state I have no interest in seeing her or allowing her to be a part of my children's lives.

[00:01:21] My son's birthday was in September. The day of, neither of my kids were home, a large box was delivered to our building. I opened it to find more than a dozen new toys for my children. Along with a note that read, Grandma Mary loves you both. As I later found out, she had bought the toys on a recent trip to the US. I couldn't think of that as anything besides a manipulation tactic. My children are barely aware that she exists. Why would she send them both a box full of toys on my son's birthday?

[00:01:50] I also think she planned the delivery for a time she thought the kids would be home, so they'd see the toys immediately. Either way, my husband and I decided not to keep any of the toys. We donated them all throughout October. The kids never saw any of them. Last week, my father called me. He said Mary had just told him about the toys and wanted to know whether the kids liked them. I told him the truth, and we had an argument.

[00:02:15] My father called me cruel and ungrateful for what I did. He said he understands Mary and I don't get along, but she still cared enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a loving gesture for my children, and the least I could have done was let them know about it. Honestly, couldn't imagine keeping those toys, but I'd be lying if I said the amount of money spent on them didn't make me feel guilty. Am I the asshole?

[00:02:38] So, a lot of people were asking OP, why did she cut ties with Mary in the first place? The long story, if you like. OP added, the long story is essentially my entire childhood. Having had her in my life when I was a child, I don't think Mary should be around any children, period. She was horrible to me when I was young because I refused to pretend she was my mother. I've been in therapy for years and it's still hard to talk about how she treated me.

[00:03:05] I feel like allowing her to be a part of my adult life at all was already giving her a second chance. I cut her off for good when she threw a tantrum because I hadn't taught my son to call her grandma. To name a few things she did. Mary tried to convince my father to make me stop eating dinner so that I'd lose weight. She made several detrimental comments about my body while I was going through puberty. Whenever me or my sister got sick, she'd claim we were faking it. Neither of us ever faked an illness.

[00:03:35] I once got sick while home alone with her and it took me throwing up three times before she agreed to call my father. On one occasion, my sister got sick and she pretended to get sicker. Whenever my sister and I failed to accomplish something, she'd insult our intelligence. Whenever we succeeded, we had gotten lucky. We weren't allowed to say anything even remotely negative about Mary or she'd have a breakdown. I once said she looked more like one movie character than another and she started crying.

[00:04:03] I was 12 and this was the same woman who implied I was fat on an almost daily basis. I don't like talking about this. This therapy has been helping, which is why I didn't give examples originally. I don't care about her feelings enough to want to hurt her. I deny her relationship with my children because she's an awful person. Opie then added information about her father and Opie says I used to be low contact with my father. When I cut contact with Mary, she spent a few months trying to use him as a messenger.

[00:04:34] He's since agreed to stop and our relationship has been improving. But I do intend to proceed with caution if we can't sort this out. She's also had her mother call me to tell me off three times. And her brother once. I blocked them both. A commenter said to the Opie, Your stepmother sucks, but you could have withheld the note and still given your kids the toys. I don't see why the kids have to miss out. Opie responded saying it was my son's birthday plus Christmas is coming up.

[00:05:01] They already have plenty of toys and we're about to get even more. Missing out on Mary's blatant attempt to buy their affection won't ruin their lives. Another commenter said, Honestly, if I were your father and if you treated my wife like that, I'd never speak to you again. It is cruel. If someone makes a gesture of goodwill towards you, you could at least accept it. It doesn't mean you should speak to them, but to throw it back in their face is wrong. Opie says,

[00:05:27] His wife treated me like crap for almost 15 years and I never cut him off. It wasn't a gesture of goodwill. It was an attempt to gain access to my children. And I didn't throw it back in their face. If my father hadn't asked, I probably wouldn't have said anything. Someone asked about could Opie have returned the toys to Mary. Opie says, None of us live in the US where Mary bought the toys. So returning them would be more trouble than it's worth. We donated the toys to different institutions and charities around our country.

[00:05:57] This one's quite simple to me in the fact that you're protecting your children from someone who's emotionally abused you as a child. And I think simply no amount of toys is ever going to change that. We've seen it many times within these stories about abusers using, you know, gifts, expensive gifts to appear generous while trying to get access in some kind of way to the person or others.

[00:06:22] And you explaining your childhood and what you went through is absolutely heartbreaking. But Opie added their first update and said, Hey guys, thank you for your input. Many of you stated you wouldn't be able to make any judgment without knowing why I have no contact with Mary. I think that's completely fair. I explained it better in the comments and I recommend reading them. But Mary was awful to me when I was young. I loathe talking about it. Though therapy has been helping with that.

[00:06:50] But it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn't allow her to be a second mother to me. I went into low contact with her in my early 20s and she'd still treat me like crap whenever I saw her. When my son was born, Mary begged me to give her a second chance. She apologized for upsetting me and promised she'd changed. I warned her that if she overstepped or even remotely hinted at going back to her old ways, she'd never see me or my family again. To be honest, I'm surprised she lasted three years.

[00:07:20] I didn't clarify that in my original post because not only is this something I have trouble talking about, but I also didn't think it was relevant. I was asking about the donations, not whether I was justified in cutting ties with Mary. But I do agree that it's best to have the complete picture before making judgment calls. So I apologize for withholding that. Another thing I didn't mention is that Mary never had children of her own. And my only sister is child free.

[00:07:45] My kids are the only grandchildren in my family, which I think is why Mary wants to see them so badly. Anyway, I went through your comments and organized a list of things I wanted to say to my father. I thought about making one for Mary as well, but I doubt she'd actually listen to it. I spoke to my father on Saturday. He said he talked with his wife. Apparently, Mary bought the gifts because it broke her heart to be unable to watch my kids grow up.

[00:08:12] And she hoped the toys would at least let them know how much she loved them. My father also said that Mary told him about the gifts. He's insistent he had no idea. Because it had been a while and me and my kids hadn't thanked her yet. My husband and I have our children say thank you through voice messages whenever they get a gift from someone who isn't nearby. We've done that for my father before, so I think that's what Mary was expecting. I explained that it didn't matter how thoughtfully thought Mary's gesture was.

[00:08:40] When I cut ties with her, I cut her off completely. That means no gifts, no phone calls, and no contact with my children, directly or not. She can claim to love them all she wants, but she will never have any involvement in their lives. We had another argument, but I put my foot down. I told my father that if he ever attempts to assist her in any way or brings up Grandma Mary to my children, he will never see me again. I'll allow him to be a part of his grandkids' lives, but he needs to accept that his wife won't be.

[00:09:10] Ultimately, my father agreed, but I intend to watch him closely from now on. I don't want to cut contact with him, but this will be his final chance. If he screws this up, he's done. While I'm not 100% confident this will last, I'm still happy with this outcome. I've been going through a fairly stressful time at work, and it feels great to have this weight off my shoulders now. More importantly, I feel like I'm well-equipped to deal with whatever comes next. I don't intend to write any further updates. Or, there is.

[00:09:39] Once again, thank you. So someone says to OP about how they plan to move forward with her father, and she says, The only person I can imagine defending Mary to my kids is my father. If he tries that, I'll cut ties immediately. I don't intend to keep them in the dark. I'm just not putting this on them right now. I think I've managed to make it clear that when I say I'm cutting ties, I mean it. If my father demonstrates he hasn't gotten the message, I won't feel conflicted about cutting him off as well.

[00:10:07] So, one of the previous commenters who called the gifts a gesture of goodwill basically, came in in the update as well. Let me just tell you, those comments were downvoted. This one was downvoted. And it says, It is cruel to force your own father not to stick by his wife in front of his grandchildren. OP says it was cruel of his wife to treat the mother of his grandchildren like garbage. Someone questioned, why not keep the gifts? OP says keeping the gifts didn't feel right for a number of reasons.

[00:10:35] Pretty much anything that comes from Mary feels tainted to me. No matter the purpose. Plus, I don't really want to spite her. I don't care about her feelings. Enough to offend them. Someone says your kids may not know her now, but it would be interesting to see if they want a relationship with her when they are teenagers or adults. Assuming she is still around. Maybe your dad will finally leave her. OP says when my kids are a bit older, I'll explain who Mary is. What she did and why we don't talk to her.

[00:11:03] If they want to pursue a relationship with her afterwards, that will be their choice. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but I'll respect their decision as long as they respect mine. I don't think it will happen though. Mary is not a pleasant person. Most of my family members dislike her as well. So unless she drastically improves, I don't think my children would enjoy her company. So OP came in with their second update and says, I really didn't think I'd update again, but I figured I'd let you know that Mary sent us another box.

[00:11:34] This time my father warned me. Last week he sent me a text that read, Mary is sending Christmas gifts for the kids. I promise I just found out. I was at work and sure enough, the box was there when I got home. My husband and I managed to take it to our bedroom before our children saw it. The box was smaller than the previous one and we counted 10 toys with Christmas wrapping inside. Six for my daughter, four for my son. There was also another note which read pretty much the same as the last one,

[00:12:02] but then added, I'm sorry you didn't get my other gifts. I decided to text Mary this time. I unblocked her and wrote the following, Anything you try to give me or my children will be donated immediately. Please stop attempting to contact us. You will never be allowed near my family. I then blocked her again. This was my first time unblocking or even contacting her in five years. The next day I spoke to my father. He said that Mary didn't tell him she was sending me the box until after doing so.

[00:12:31] He'd been out of town for a week at that point and she hadn't said anything about buying my kids more presents before he left. She let it slip to him over the phone and then begged him not to tell me. Apparently Mary was distraught at my text. That's all I know about how she's reacting to this. My father is doing his Christmas shopping right now and there are a number of reasons why I don't think he was involved in this. Still, I don't feel like I can trust him right now. I told him he will see me and my family less often than usual for the next few months.

[00:13:01] We'll see each other on Christmas Eve. Party at my cousin's. Mary was banned years ago and in February for my aunt's birthday. Weekend trip. Mary's not coming. Besides that, I intend to remain in low contact with him for a while. I don't intend to keep that up forever but I want to be able to trust him again. My father said he understood. I know a lot of you want me to cut my father off. I'm not sure I can explain why but I don't want to do that. Even if I did, I'm not ready to.

[00:13:30] It might happen in the future and I'm well aware it should be happening now but I do think we still have a shot at making this work.

[00:14:05] This entire week was crap. Someone questioned OP. They said, Why is Mary doing this? OP says,

[00:14:31] Mary was emotionally abusive to both me and my sister. It didn't get physical. Save for a few occasions, she knowingly put us both in dangerous situations so I don't think it was bad enough that I should tell my mum about it at the time. My sister was younger so Mary didn't treat her as bad but she still kept trying to force a mother-daughter bond between them that never really worked. Most of my paternal family went no contact with Mary around the same time I did. Some of them were present when I cut her off

[00:15:00] but they never really liked her. Mary isn't a pleasant person for a number of reasons. Even when she was allowed near my son, she was insufferable. She was very jealous of my mum's role in his life and to a lesser extent, my mother-in-law's. Kept asking me to let him sleep over at her and my father's place and complained about everything I dressed him in. Someone said to OP on the back of that, Not the arsehole. The notes are what are doing it for me. The whole thing is boundary stomping but the notes to the kids

[00:15:28] are just passive-aggressive manipulation. OP says, The way they're phrased almost reminds me of the way she'd sometimes talk to me when I was a kid. I think that's why I cried when I read the second one. The commenter said, Something I haven't seen mentioned but am nonetheless curious about. Does Mary or your dad think you'll let her in your life when your dad passes? Also, how will you handle the funeral stuff as she will most likely be there if he dies first? Statistically probable. OP says, Thank you for this.

[00:15:58] As for the funeral stuff, I'll be honest. I haven't really thought about it much. My father is in good health so I think it will depend a lot on how old my children are when he passes. If it happens sooner than later, which I hope doesn't happen, I won't bring the kids. However, if either or both my children are older than 15 by the time it happens, I'll let them choose whether they want to come. Even if they do, I won't allow Mary to approach them and I'll tell them to keep their distance.

[00:16:52] I can't predict how I'd feel in this situation, I won't be alone. I intend to talk to my kids about her sometime soon. My daughter isn't old enough to understand everything, but I think I can at least grasp that they shouldn't be near her. I keep waiting for the right moment for now, but that conversation is definitely happening in the near future. I'm also paranoid, but the chances of a surprise visit from Mary are very low. She can't show up at their school. Only me and my husband are allowed to pick them up and she wouldn't be let in otherwise. We also live in an apartment building,

[00:17:22] not a house, and she can't come inside without the doorman letting her in. And it's not that I don't think I could lose my father sooner than later. I just genuinely never thought about how I'd handle funeral stuff. Someone said to OP, and again, this comment was downvoted, that she got the drama she started, referring to OP. OP replied saying, sure. I started the drama when I was 14 and Mary told me I was fat and no one would ever love me. I started it. When I was 12

[00:17:51] and Mary locked me and my little sister in our bedroom overnight and then pretended she hadn't. I started it. When she cried and screamed at me for asking to spend my mum's birthday with my mother. I started it. When she tried to convince my paternal family I was obese, according to two different doctors I wasn't, and shouldn't be allowed to eat dinner. I started it. When I was pregnant with my daughter and she yelled at me in front of my family because my son had called her by her first name instead of grandma, I started it.

[00:18:20] I didn't start anything. She never loved me. Leave me alone. Some of the commenters in that post clearly shows that they've never been a part of an abusive family, thank goodness. And perhaps I'm being harsh on this. I don't think I am, but I was getting really frustrated with the father and you know, I know it's her father. I know it's, as I always say, it's easy for me to say sat here behind a microphone reading someone's life, but he's enabled this. He watched Mary emotionally abuse

[00:18:50] his daughter for years, including trying to like starve her and lock her in rooms. He's literally stayed married to someone who told his 14-year-old daughter that no one would ever love her and claiming stuff like, oh, he just found out about the gifts each time. Yet, he's staying married to someone who keeps harassing his daughter like this. And yes, Opie's put up boundaries for him that if he crosses here be cut off as well. But to me, he's still choosing, you know, his abusive wife

[00:19:19] over his daughter's well-being. And it just, it's just in a different way now. It just feels like, to me, he's just trying to keep the peace with his wife, which I just purely see as enabling behavior. And I think Opie needs to take a step back, which again, I know is easy for me to say. I think Opie needs to take a step back and recognize the situation and what he also allowed to happen all those years what you went through. I know that's fucking heart-wrenching.

[00:19:47] I know it's heartbreaking for you. But he has enabled this behavior. But what do you guys make of this one? Maybe you've got a different opinion on the matter. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being involved. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one. Take care

[00:20:16] and much love. Take care and much love. Take care and much love. Take care.