My Sister Is Allowing My Daughter's Bully To Attend Our Family Trip r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from NaturalMountain641 and it says, am I the arsehole here for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew's friend?

[00:00:29] I, 43 male, am really close to my family, consisting of my siblings, their spouses, their kids and my parents. Every year we go on vacation this time of year for two weeks and come back right before Christmas. We're supposed to leave a week from today. I am the divorced, single, sole parent to my daughter, 15 female. She jokingly calls herself a nerd. She's weird, she's quirky, she likes anime and video games and Star Wars.

[00:00:58] The whole stereotypical nerd thing. She does get bullied at school, but since leaving middle school and growing up a little more, she started taking it better. And mostly it's stopped. This one boy, who I will call Jeff, 16 male, presumably, and is coincidentally my nephews, who is also sort of an arsehole, best friend, is an absolute nightmare.

[00:01:21] I've talked to the school, who had meetings with his parents. She's switched around classes extensively, but he still goes out of his way to pick on Emily. She has told me herself that she can deal with name calling, but it doesn't stop there. He pulls her hair, rips her clothes, destroys her things. Like this kid is a full-fledged nightmare. They even got into a fistfight where they were both suspended for last year because he stole her backpack and put it into a full toilet in the boys' bathroom.

[00:01:52] When I was discussing plans with my sister, she brought up needing to buy Jeff a winter coat. When I realized he was going on the trip, I actually almost lost it. I told her admittedly without thinking that we weren't going, and she began begging me, talking about tradition and family and blah blah. I said no, I'll eat my portion of the cost, but we are not going. After a long conversation, I said I'll go if they disinvite Jeff.

[00:02:19] We are well off, and we're lucky to have grown up in a financially stable home with parents who are attentive and supportive, and for our kids to have done the same. Jeff was not that lucky. He lives in a really unstable environment, both financially and emotionally. This was apparent to me from the meetings with his parents, as his father did not care his mother blamed my daughter for being evil, and these were multiple, separate meetings.

[00:02:46] This is awful, and I'm sorry that Jeff or any child has to go through that, but I told my sister that my position still stands. The conversation went back and forth, mostly just her throwing excuses. Jeff has divorced parents. He grew up differently than us. Maybe it's just a crush. Ew. So on and so forth. When I reminded her of the fight, she said, I know, but Jeff needs this.

[00:03:11] She mentioned how he needed a break from his toxic home life, and I respect that, but why does that mean I have to put my daughter in a house with a tormentor for two weeks? I told her I wasn't changing my mind and went home. Now there is pure chaos. My family is split. My parents are begging me to go. I'm getting texts in there constantly. My daughter told me she's not going if Jeff is going. She had a full-blown panic attack over it.

[00:03:37] Maybe I'm looking for validation, or maybe I really need a wake-up call, and I'm just a selfish arsehole. Absolutely not the arsehole at all in this situation. You're prioritizing your daughter. Absolutely. Why should she be in a room with a bully for two weeks? You told them what needs to happen for you to go, and I can't believe any family members are saying that Jeff should come along, assuming knowing they know how Jeff treats your daughter. Their family member.

[00:04:07] Jeff may have a rough home life. That doesn't give him an excuse to be an arsehole. And I have to say, it's concerning his behavior and the way it's escalating. Hair pulling, ripping off clothes, to the point your daughter's having panic attacks about this person. That needs to be dealt with. Commenter says, hold firm. I'd say, since when does our family reward egregious behavior? OP said, excellent wording. Thank you. Commenter says, not the arsehole.

[00:04:36] Jeff's situation may be tragic, but your priority should always be your daughter. And it sounds like you've got your priorities straight. Stick to your stance. Jeff is not your responsibility. And asking you to sacrifice your daughter's mental well-being for a child who has repeatedly tormented her is downright cruel. I'm guessing he hasn't even apologized and showed remorse. And they expect you and your daughter to roll over for him just because he has it tough. Time for him to learn a tough lesson. Not to take his problems out on others.

[00:05:06] OP says, no real apology, no. We had to read each other apology letters for their suspension, but that's it. As I said, it's really sad that a child is struggling in the way Jeff is. But my kid doesn't need to pay for that. That sort of shit pisses me off where you have to read apology letters to each other. Knowing what he's been doing to your daughter. It's madness. I remember when I was being bullied and my friend told his mum, who then informed the school of what was going on.

[00:05:33] And the school first brought me in, head teacher, and told me about this guy's bad home life, etc. Like that was a fucking concern of mine at the time. And then I think it was about a week later, the head of my year brought me and my bully in face to face. And we had to talk to each other and apologize to him. I was like, what am I apologizing for here? And I could see in his face as he was apologizing to me, like, I knew myself that I'm fucked after this. Rather than them dealing with a problem child.

[00:06:02] But anyway, OP comes in with our update and says, Hi everyone, I hope you're good. I have an update and resolution that I figured I'd share. Though truth be told, it's a bit anticlimactic. Before I start, I wanted to say thank you for anyone who put in their two cents. I appreciate all the comments, though I got overwhelmed with attention very quickly. I'm sorry if any questions remained unanswered. There were a lot of comments. I'm still trying to maintain some anonymity. But I'm happy to answer any questions that don't impede on that.

[00:06:32] Like before last, my three siblings, their spouses, and my parents all gathered at my sister's house to talk this through. I, very immaturely, sort of walked in with a mild attitude. I knew I wasn't going to change my mind. I felt like this was a waste of time. But my daughter keeps expressing to me how badly she wants to go on the trip. So I went. It started off with my sister and my mom crying and just asking me to go. But that got shut down really fast by pretty much everyone else.

[00:07:00] My sister expressed that she felt so bad for Jeff. Again, he's lower class with a mother who treats him like a baby and a father that doesn't care. She mentioned that Jeff and Emily have been polite to each other in the presence of family. And figured they were just getting over their issues. I did find out that the waiver he was on extended to his tuition. Despite being told that it was for his uniforms and school supplies. So my apologies on an incorrect comment I made.

[00:07:27] Regardless, she was trying to convince me and my entire family to allow Jeff to come. I really do get it. And I'm a person who can experience empathy. Sometimes to a fault. But for the millionth time, my empathy towards Jeff in this situation does not overpower my need to protect my daughter. As our only parent, it is literally my duty to make sure she is safe. And this is not safe. Thanks to a comment I did say. My daughter does not feel safe around Jeff.

[00:07:55] To which my brother-in-law, the sister-in-law's question's husband, replied, well, that settles it. The only adult who wanted Jeff to go was my sister. The only people who wanted me to compromise and go and ignore Jeff were my mother and sister-in-law. Everyone else was adamant that Jeff did not go. No one knew he was invited. And it wasn't until I sent in the group chat that I would not be attending because of Jeff's presence that anyone, including my sister's husband, knew Jeff was going.

[00:08:23] My father, who is actually a therapist, has been ridiculously supportive through this whole thing. Explained his reasoning for not wanting Jeff there besides the obvious. Most notably, and as many others, including myself, have pointed out, he started bringing up the subject of SA, sexual assault. My nephew mentioned to him that Jeff does like Emily. And if his mindset is as dysfunctional as we're led to believe, he's not currently capable of expressing that to Emily in a healthy way,

[00:08:51] which could lead him to attempting to sexually assault her. Note. My sister tried to, I told you so about me, about the crush, but I literally laughed at her. I really honestly don't care if he has a crush on my daughter. He's so awful to her. She takes it like a champ. She holds her head up high, and I'm so proud of her for that. But that doesn't change the fact that Jeff has been so sincerely awful to her that it makes me sick. It was ultimately decided that Jeff was not going. Thanks to another comment I saw.

[00:09:21] I did tell her that she was doing a great thing by trying to help this boy, but her niece came before him in this situation. I brought up that Jeff might retaliate against Emily. Again, thanks to another comment for being disinvited. So we came up with a plan. Sort of. My nephew had to tell him at school the next day that Jeff was no longer invited because he didn't want him and Emily to get into a fight. I thought that was a dumb plan. I'm not going to lie. But as long as the blame was off of Emily, I didn't care.

[00:09:49] We left for the night. Both Emily and I hugged my sister. She apologized. It was generally okay. I'm still frustrated with her for trying to be this boy's savior at the risk of my daughter, and we have yet to have that conversation. But I'm sure it will come with time. My mother told Emily that she was sorry for seemingly wanting to subject her to Jeff, and she didn't mean to come off that way. She simply wanted us to come. I'm still frustrated with my mom, but again, a conversation to come with time.

[00:10:18] I told my daughter not to get her hopes up because part of me still believes that Jeff was really not going to go. Because part of me still didn't believe that Jeff was really not going to go. But we proceeded with cautious optimism. In the meantime, I spoke with my lawyer friend who did advise me not to go on the trip if Jeff was going, and not to speak to him or his parents directly. No problem there. I'd resigned to not going and I had no interest in talking to anyone.

[00:10:46] Additionally, my sister's husband and I had a long talk about how he was really disappointed in her for this. That's not my business, but I was happy that he was still as fiercely protective of my daughter as I always thought he was. I have to give my nephew props because he took the news well. Although he was disappointed, he understands that what Jeff does is wrong. But I'm still not really sure what he puts up with it besides that he's a teenager who doesn't want to lose his friend. So this leads us up to last night.

[00:11:13] Emily shows me a message from my nephew that just says, so Jeff backed out. Lol. And that's it. Get this. Jeff didn't know that Emily was going. My nephew went to tell him what was up and he got as far as saying, Emily is going to be there, before Jeff backed out. I spoke to my nephew who said Jeff just got weird and said he couldn't go, and they left it at that. Jeff seemed disappointed and I do feel sorry for him. But again, my daughter comes first to me.

[00:11:42] My brother-in-law only sent me laughing emojis. Initially, I was still not sure if I'd go because a lot of comments suggested I should not go on principle. With that being said, my daughter said she'd rather go on this trip, even after I tried to suggest we do something else. So now we're going. Yay. And that's really it. Sorry it's so long and I wish it was more exciting, but it's not. I tried to put emphasis on the conversation with my family because that was the important part. But even then, we're just standing around my sister's kitchen talking.

[00:12:11] No big confrontation or anything. Regardless, have a good and happy holiday season. Thank you for reading and for all the advice. I do appreciate it. And I'm glad that brother-in-law stepped in with that. That settled it. That felt good. You know, absolutely should be prioritizing the daughter and her well-being for this. And, you know, I'm disappointed in your sister, to be quite honest. And like I always say, like with bullying stories, I'm probably projecting my own past traumas on it, which I totally get.

[00:12:39] I haven't been there, experienced it. I would certainly be escalating this as much as you can to keep this guy away from your daughter and maybe even your daughter talking to professionals at the same time. You know, absolutely might be fine. But I just remember my own head. Again, me projecting here. My head went to some dark places. But it also came up with like in some weird way. My brain would say, I can't tell this person because, oh, I can't tell that person because I would make an excuse why I couldn't tell people. I know it.

[00:13:09] I know that just seems like madness. But that was my mind at the time. It can be such a lonely place where I was on the outside. You're holding your head up and you're looking fine and you're looking normal in your head. You're battling with all these reasons not to tell people. Just like a quick little example. I was always worried to tell one of my brothers because I know my brother would have absolutely splattered this guy on the floor. And then I thought about the consequences of that. I went, oh, but he get arrested. And then my brother go to prison. Yeah, it just my mind all over the place.

[00:13:39] I just don't see any harm in checking in on your daughter's actual well-being. It's, you know, from the outside, it can always look good. From the outside, it may look like she's holding her head up high, but you never truly know what they're what they're feeling internally. Again, may not be the case. I always think better safe than sorry, right? Now, our next story comes from Sensitive Elastic from the Relationship Advice subreddit. This says, I feel like my husband, 26 male, puts things off until I, 26 female, end up handling things myself.

[00:14:09] Alt Account because my husband is on Reddit. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship. It's been three years since we've been married, and I always hoped it would get a bit easier. I feel like we've tried a lot of different things to improve our relationship, but I often find myself feeling defeated and sad because it seems like nothing will ever change. Right now, we're in the process of moving. I stay behind to finish things up in our house, and he's gone ahead to start working. We're literally starting from scratch.

[00:14:38] I sold everything, including our cars. We have to have a car, so I asked him to buy a car and have it ready for us once I'm ready to move. He's met me with so many excuses, and I'm just tired. I'm finally flying to meet him next week, and there's still no car. It's been a month. He mentioned to me offhand the other day that he was planning on buying a car once I fly in, but doesn't that defeat the purpose? All I asked was that he had one ready for when I arrived. I really don't want to go car shopping the second I get off the plane.

[00:15:08] I was excited and hopeful about the move. We talked about how things were going to change, and he seemed so motivated, but now I feel defeated again. I don't even feel angry anymore. What was I expecting? I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. We get along pretty well when there aren't any big life decisions involved. He's a nice guy. I just don't trust him to take any responsibility in the relationship. I guess. Has anyone been in a similar relationship? How did it go?

[00:15:37] When was it finally enough for you? Is there anything that can change? I'm really interested in starting couples therapy, but I'm afraid of putting effort into something that might not even work. The top commenter says to OP in this one, hoping things get better almost never works. You said you've taken steps to improve things. Does that include counseling? If so, it is important to note that he has to want things to improve for them to get better. Based upon the example behavior you provided, he sounds lazy, and I doubt he wants to improve

[00:16:07] your relationship. If you have hit this point, it is probably time to cut your losses and move on. I'm sorry, and good luck. And it's one of those ones where that comment pretty much said it all really, isn't it? You either have a conversation, maybe get some professional help or cut your losses if you're unhappy with that situation. But OP came in with their update and said, hi, Reddit. I made a post three years ago about my husband not taking the initiative when it came to purchasing a new car after a big move.

[00:16:37] My post didn't get too big, but I've always liked seeing updates and a lot has changed in three years. So I decided to log back in and make my own. I don't know how to link the original, but please take a look at the post history if you want to see my first post. After making the post, my husband had made an appointment to go look at cars. I remember feeling really good about everything in that moment. I felt a huge relief knowing that this big thing was finally getting taken care of. When his appointment came, my husband called to tell me some good news.

[00:17:07] He'd seen one car, decided it was good, and told me that this was the one he would be buying while he was still in the dealership. I asked him to tell me the details like how much the interest was and how much the car cost. I asked him if he had compared it to Kelly Blue Book to see if it was a fair deal. My husband was kind enough to ask the salesman everything, but after each question he would add, I'm sorry my wife is making this so difficult. I was pretty hurt and embarrassed by this and told him so, but he said all my questions

[00:17:36] were frustrating and was slowing down the process of the one thing I'd asked him to do. In the end, he decided to wait for me to arrive so that we could sign for the car together. I ended up getting picked up from the airport and taken straight to the car dealership. We got a good interest rate on the car, but we ended up overpaying by about $7,000. I should have said no to the car and just looked myself, but I was young and embarrassed and I felt like I wasn't being supportive.

[00:18:03] Thankfully, that car ended up being our only shared piece of property in our divorce. I didn't trust him to refinance the car, so I ended up taking it. We had so much more money on the car than what it was worth that I couldn't get it refinanced for several months. I ended up trading it in. And even though I'm still in a hole financially because of it, I am so much happier now. We did try therapy before ultimately divorcing. Mac's husband was quite the progeny. He was cured. His words, not mine, after a week.

[00:18:33] He said that he had it all figured out and didn't see the point in continuing. He also told me that he was the only one who would ever put any effort into the relationship and that it was 100% my fault that we were divorcing. He told me that no one would ever love him again if I left and that he might as well off himself because there's no point in going on. When that didn't work, he said that no one would ever love me again and that I was lucky that he stayed around as long as he did.

[00:19:02] He didn't ask me if I would forge his signature on the divorce documents because I was basically forcing him to do it anyway. I did not. Anyway, I'm happy to report that he was successfully able to move on from the trauma I put him through. He's still around but I've kept my distance because I can't be bothered. So I'm unsure of what he's up to. I was able to find someone after some time. My boyfriend is so kind. Sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true. Then again, I get Twitterpated? Reddit?

[00:19:30] Well, he does simple things like taking out the trash, cooking or maintaining a full-time job. So the bar is in hell. He's a great guy and he does more than the bare minimum, I promise. Looking back, I knew that I wanted a divorce. I just wasn't ready to admit it. Mike's husband didn't love or respect me. I didn't put many details of the relationship in my first post and I don't really feel the need to put it all out there now. But I know that if someone truly loves you, they make sure you know. Thanks, Reddit.

[00:19:59] You were right. I hate it when people try that shit of like, oh, I might as well end it then if you're going to leave me. The attempt of trying to like control you through fear and guilt and then switching it up on OP and saying, oh, well, no one's going to want you anyway. Just makes me think about if OP was to look back on their relationship, what other kind of signs that they would see. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:20:28] Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. It's absolutely amazing. And I will see you in the next one. Take care and much love.