My Parents Ostracized Me 6 Months Ago And Now They've Got In Contact r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang I do hope you're well, my name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories And if you do love a Reddit story why not consider hitting that like subscribe

[00:00:13] Maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first story much love guys now today's first story comes from When the relationship subreddit from them legs though who says my parents 62 male 59 female Want to visit after ostracizing me 32 female for the past six months

[00:00:34] I want to preface this by apologizing for the jumbled wall of text. I don't have anyone to talk about this I was recently diagnosed with autism earlier this year at 32 years old Prior to my diagnosis, I'd always felt there was something off about me

[00:00:50] But as a high-masking woman I was assured it was assumed. It was just a personality deficit Some of my symptoms include noise sensitivity Over the last few years my ability to mask had decreased and it became harder and harder to function

[00:01:07] Appropriately in my immigrant household due to some administrative issues with my medical school I had to move home for a year before returning for clinical rotations During this time I was increasingly stressed and focused on completing my research assignments and working my part-time job

[00:01:24] In order to cope I used to wear my air pods around the house to which my parents would call me Latently rude I would sequester myself to my room and try to avoid upsetting them in one way or another But this became an issue as well

[00:01:39] Stating I was in my own world and I'm not actively participating with my family My mother even asked what you even contribute to this family When they would yell at me and call me stupid. I would shut down

[00:01:53] When they asked me to explain my behavior would get nervous and have issues verbally communicating I would take too long to speak and they would just yell at me or make fun of me of the 30 second pauses I would take before responding

[00:02:07] During one conversation my father would call me a Dangerous person because I was getting confused with the issue at hand and brought up an issue I thought was relevant during one of my shutdowns

[00:02:17] I failed my board exam the same day my dog got attacked and was in the hospital Had a really hard time functioning My mom kept asking me about my exam and why I couldn't get it together as well as upcoming test dates

[00:02:30] I told her I didn't want to talk about it. So my family collectively decided to ignore me for three days My dad said if we're up to him, they would have ignored me for a whole week

[00:02:41] At the beginning of the summer my mom had gotten a knee replacement During this time I was studying for my step exam med school exam So I was always wearing my airpods listening to study material in between question blocks

[00:02:56] I would come to see if my mom needed anything My parents wouldn't coordinate with me when I needed to take her to PT. I Was just told that I should have known and been okay with dropping everything to take her wherever and whenever she needed to go somewhere

[00:03:10] Mind you my exam was within a week And I told my mom I needed to study and didn't have time to go grocery shopping Stay out for a long lunch and stay for the full PT. I was told I didn't respect her or care for her

[00:03:24] She and my dad told me I was a poor excuse for a daughter My parents said I was a bad sister because even though I drove three One-way hours after work at 4 a.m. To a graduation prepped and decorated for a grad party

[00:03:38] I should have had a speech prepared. I couldn't do it I was surrounded by a bunch of people and I was grossly overstimulated. I Wanted to be supportive and I thought by planning and organizing her party that would have been enough

[00:03:52] But it wasn't at the end of the summer my family collectively decided that I was a shitty person who deserved to be alone Luckily by that time I had moved out of state to start my clinical rotations I was away for home for three months

[00:04:08] During that time I'd spoken to them a few times, but I got overwhelmed with school and keeping up with responsibilities of living back on my own No one called me. I had to call them During winter break I came back to my hometown

[00:04:22] But stayed with my boyfriend so I could study for my shelf exam The day after my exam my boyfriend proposed and I called and text my family to tell them the news They're excited in the extended family group chat, but didn't answer any of my calls

[00:04:37] Christmas Eve I text to see when they would be home so we could hang out. They said sorry, they're busy Christmas busy Then day after Christmas I text my mom to see when I could bring their presents over and she agreed to meet me

[00:04:51] She said the entire extended family aunts uncles cousins were all celebrating the holidays at our new vacation house in Mexico 20-minute drive away She said that if I had been a better communicator, maybe I would have been invited, but I wasn't

[00:05:06] I wasn't invited to my family's holiday celebration because I didn't specifically ask what the family was doing for Christmas the new years I didn't celebrate my engagement with anyone in my family. I cried the whole week I've always felt different. I never knew what to say or do

[00:05:24] I never knew how to behave or withstand my sensitivities. I have a hard time communicating verbally or even defending myself After all this I sought out a diagnosis and to no surprise of my own

[00:05:37] I do in fact have autism but now that I have this realization. What do I do? How can I fix myself? Haven't spoken to anyone in my family except my mom twice since then

[00:05:48] How can I explain to them that I didn't do any of that to be mean to them? I don't want to use autism as an excuse, but as context to my actions How would this context do I get them to love slash like me again?

[00:06:00] I don't even want to plan a wedding because I feel like an orphan It has been six months since they have spoken to me But yesterday I received a text message letting me know that it would be in my city due to a long layover

[00:06:13] And that they assuming just my mom wanted to come by and see me I'm not sure if I can handle seeing them. I don't particularly want them in my home I don't want to have them in my safe space If I say no, is that giving themselves ammo?

[00:06:27] I don't know what they want or why they decided to contact me I don't even know what to say if I do agree to see them I'm so angry so confused and so hurt

[00:06:39] I have so many important things coming up and I don't want to be a shell of myself because I had to deal with family stuff Should I see them? I am so Angry for OP at this situation. OP. This is not your fault. This isn't your autism

[00:06:55] This is just your family being horrible shitheads. These are people that are meant to love you That's meant to support you that want to see you happy Let's look at some of the words that they said to you here

[00:07:06] What do you even contribute to this family and they would yell at you and call you stupid? And when you take a moment to think they make fun of you Call you a dangerous person

[00:07:19] Your dad said he would have chose to ignore you for a whole week rather than just three days You're a bad sister They chose not to get in contact with you. So so you couldn't attend their holiday celebrations

[00:07:33] I'm sorry OP. I know it's very easy for me to say set behind the microphone These are your family you've grown up with them but fuck these people. They are absolutely awful abusive people You're already anxious. I can see by the end of this post

[00:07:48] You're already anxious about seeing these people and you need to question yourself What do they actually contribute to your life? They seem to bring nothing but pain and suffering and you don't deserve that you deserve love and happiness and

[00:08:02] Support and that's it. I'm sorry. You are going through that, mate But Silver Storm says I'm going to be honest with you OP your autism is not the problem here at all

[00:08:11] Your family is cruel like you asked them when they were free for Christmas and they told you they were busy In a healthy family dynamic, they would have said oh we have this event on this day You're welcome to come for that

[00:08:24] But the way they treat you and speak to you is not okay Plan your wedding and have a small wedding and don't invite them You deserve to feel special on your day and having them there will make you feel bad

[00:08:35] They're a type who are never going to be happy no matter what you do as for your mother coming into your house Perfect thing to say is no. I'm busy

[00:08:43] You don't owe her anything especially after everything they put you through and how they treated you and they've been no contact with you for six months

[00:08:51] They get to dictate to you when they are ready. You were the one who has been slighted. Hope you responded saying thank you I keep trying to excuse their behavior. I catch myself taking the blame. It's nice to get the validation That's not all my fault

[00:09:05] none of it is Ashburn mum says if you do decide to meet up with them do it at a restaurant or coffee shop Anywhere other than your home that's your space and you're not under any obligation to let them and then negative crap in there

[00:09:20] Opie says that's my plan. I spent too much time feeling unsafe at home I don't want to mess up the positivity. I've established at home Gorgie says and replace that saying that was going to be my suggestion Except the offer to me

[00:09:34] Throughout side of your home in a neutral place and perhaps share with them the information that you've learned about yourself Not as an excuse as you say contacts explain to them that this means you struggle with certain things And that you need acceptance and support and not judgment

[00:09:49] The first time anything other than acceptance and support is offered Tell her that is exactly what you do not need if she cannot accept you and support you Then you are going to leave and you won't be talking Ethel May says wow your family is really abusive

[00:10:04] Agree that this isn't about your autism. Sure They may be old-fashioned and not understand autism and he getting upset at things They don't understand like your airpods, but they are your family

[00:10:15] It should be trying to understand them to the best of their abilities instead of just being mean to you about it And it sounds like you try to schedule things to help out your mum with PT

[00:10:24] And they set you up to fail just so they could say you're a bad daughter Like what it'd be one thing if you're always having to explain and spoof things over because they didn't understand autism

[00:10:35] They don't want to understand or want things to be smooth. They seem to like putting you down That's not them being immigrants or old-fashioned. That's them being mean And there was a lot of comments saying, you know, don't meet them other people saying, you know

[00:10:49] Meet them but do it in a safe space. I kind of feel like I'm in the don't meet them I mean the comments that I saw from OP that they said to her They said to her in this time is just ringing through my head

[00:11:03] Who talks to their family like that? When OP came in with their update and says I first want to say thank you to everyone who commented and DM me with advice and support I definitely carried your support with me into the meeting

[00:11:15] I also want to say sorry for the late update was so emotionally burned out But I didn't even start to process what happened until yesterday Anyway, here's what happened. My parents arrived early in the morning to my area

[00:11:28] I took all your advice and decided to meet them in a neutral space tea shop as I suspected my father did not come My mother's excuse was that get to stay and watch the luggage Apparently it wouldn't have fit in an Uber

[00:11:43] When my mother arrived she seemed excited to see me was trying to update me on their vacation She asked why we didn't meet at my house and I stated that I was too busy at the hospital to stay at home waiting

[00:11:54] For about 15 minutes. She kept trying to get me to tell her updates about my life and current school deadlines Just more small talk that kept going around in circles She remarked on my engagement ring and said she has only ever seen it in photographs

[00:12:09] I reminded her that she did in fact see it when I came to visit in December Two days after proposing but she wasn't interested in it then She tried to take my car and felt my gas tank and ordered food so I would have groceries

[00:12:23] But a kind both since one of her favorite insults is that I only care about money And I wouldn't have gotten this far in my schooling without her. I Kept getting more and more frustrated with the topics and finally just asked why she came

[00:12:36] Checked it surprise and said that why wouldn't she come see me if she was in town I lost it I said after the way things were left in December my engagement and being left out of Christmas and New Year

[00:12:47] I was shocked that she would come see me and act like nothing happened My mother was gobsmacked like surprised Pikachu face She said she was shocked that I left the conversation in December feeling badly And didn't think that the meeting went poorly as a good medical student does

[00:13:04] I elicited her perspective to see how she perceived Christmas to have gone She said she wished I was there, but it was just a missed opportunity I let her know that because of that conversation I decided I wasn't interested in being part of a dysfunctional and abusive family

[00:13:20] I brought up all of the scenarios I mentioned in the original post and said that nothing I did warranted that level of abuse I told her that I already know how this conversation will pan out

[00:13:30] Her crying and expecting me to comfort her and apologize for making her upset As well as telling my dad I was disrespectful and for him to bang on my door at night Just to yell at me and call me names

[00:13:42] I told her that if she's going to continue to act surprised then she can just call her Uber and leave I told her that all of the verbal abuse and name calling I no longer wanted to participate in

[00:13:52] I gave her all the examples of how she co-signed the abuse and she had nothing to say She then tried to make all of the negative statements she said and correct saying I'm not stupid and that I'm family orientated

[00:14:04] But she only applied it to my cousins, not my parents or sister I asked her if she had taken the time to understand my diagnosis to which she said well I looked a little into neurodivergence but not autism specifically A little background here

[00:14:18] My mother is also a counselor and therapist Fuck in hell So she didn't take the time to better understand me or my struggles I brought up how she said I was a bad daughter And that I have missed so many opportunities to be a good daughter

[00:14:34] I said and just like I missed opportunities so did you I let her know that when I was struggling with my mental health and was dealing with suicidal ideation a few years passed that I had in fact attempted to auto-delete

[00:14:48] Although she knew my whole family knew that I was suicidal She never checked in on me and my mental health Instead asking me why I never inquired about her new job in a recent move

[00:15:00] Her response actually fucked with my brain, my heart, my soul, my sense of importance to anyone She said oh yeah I need to pass on that year There were a lot of things going on I paused and said I'm going to go back to what you just said

[00:15:15] I tried to kill myself and you said you need to pass on 2018 because you had a lot going on She doubled down then said oops am I talking too much I realized in that moment I wasn't going to reach her ever

[00:15:28] I told her I tried to kill myself and I needed her and she said she needed a pass for not being there She was so delusional and ignorant to the entire fallout I don't think she could even process

[00:15:40] It was a serious cognitive dissonance that didn't allow her to be honest about the situation She then apologized for causing so much harm and suffering And she said she was seeing a therapist and was going to do the work

[00:15:53] I told her I'm opting out of contact until she actually does the work I told her it wasn't my responsibility to teach her about my disability Nor were she went wrong in our relationship

[00:16:04] She asked if I would call more and I said she needs to do the work I sent her on her way and then cried in the car the whole way home Still haven't heard from her since My feelings are all the way hurt

[00:16:16] I feel just as bad as I did in December I didn't know what I was thinking but I was let down I think I need to let the hope die I'm going to go forward on wedding planning without the hope of having my family present

[00:16:29] Sorry for the jumbled mess I'm a bit shaken up Mae, of course you're going to feel hurt about this Of course, you know, you had some hope that maybe Somewhere that she changed You tried but what I can say is I'm extremely proud of you

[00:16:47] For your conversation there That you called your mother out for what she's done At your telling her, yes, you absolutely need to do the work You, the family has caused this You deserve so much better than this And like I said, and like I said before

[00:17:03] I know it's very easy for me to say I'm sat here behind a microphone Not having to deal with this directly But I honestly think what you just did was absolutely amazing It's not easy but you did it They deserve to be called out for it

[00:17:21] Focus on your wedding planning Don't focus on them Don't give them your time no more You told her where she stands and that's the end of it I really hope that your wedding is absolutely fantastic And what you dream of and continue to protect yourself

[00:17:40] But I just wanted to read one of the top comments from that post From V-Marcu says, oh sweetheart You deserve so so much better You deserve to be loved, understood and wanted You deserve to belong You don't deserve a bunch of narcissistic people

[00:17:55] That call themselves your family but are anything but That's not family That's just a group of people that you share DNA with Sometimes you need to cut out the parts of your life That bring you nothing but pain and hurt I suggest going no contact

[00:18:09] Or if you can't or don't want to do that Extremely low contact and gray rocket Don't offer information about your personal life Don't engage with them beyond what's absolutely necessary I hope your extended family treats you better

[00:18:23] I hope your fiance and his family treat you like their own And give you that place that makes you feel like you are home That makes you happy Hope your wedding is awesome May your relationship flourish with just enough lows to appreciate the averages

[00:18:37] And be amazed at the heights Now, what do you guys make of this story? The amount of people relating to this story as well in the comments is pretty amazing And the love and empathy shown towards OP as well is just fantastic

[00:18:54] And I hope OP does read that and takes it on board But what do you guys make of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below Now, just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories

[00:19:05] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me So thank you so so much for being involved Truly, you're absolutely amazing And I will see you in the next one Take care and much love