My Mother Keeps Inviting My ABUSIVE Ex To Family Gatherings

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00] Now today's first story comes from Jessica Carr who says, am I the arsehole for cutting my mum out of my life because she chose my ex over her own daughter. And there is some trigger warnings on this story so that if you want to skip the story please feel free to do so. The trigger warnings say emotional abuse and manipulation mentions of physical assault and violence developmental and learning disabilities and controlling behaviour. So as I said if you want to skip the story please feel free to do so and let's crack on with it.

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00] I, 38 female, was in a two year relationship with a jealous, narcissistic man who had a young son. During those two years my parents absolutely adored both him and his child. They even took his son during school holidays and treated him like family. When I finally ended the relationship because his jealousy and control became unbearable, my parents were devastated. I had to explain my reasons in front of my ex and during that conversation he actually said in front of my parents,

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00] that his jealousy wouldn't have happened if our bed life had been better. Yes, he really said that. My mum who was extremely attached to his son insisted on keeping contact and even offered to continue having him during school holidays. I wasn't against it. The kid needed stability and structure, something his dad didn't give him.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00] For info, this kid was an accident and he never wanted him. Out of pity, I also let my ex stay in the small apartment we co-owned because he was still in an internship and needed to find a place. Long story short, things escalated, police involved and he eventually moved out three months later. Into an apartment with his new girlfriend. Since January 2023, we've had zero contact. Thank God.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00] Fast forward to Easter 2023. At the family table, my mum casually tells his son that she'd gladly invite his dad and girlfriend over to the house. I was stunned, hurt and asked why the hell she would do this. She answered back, It's for the well-being of the kid, to keep things nice. End December comes. I arrive for Christmas and notice my mum still has photos of my ex displayed. Again, I say nothing.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00] But during dessert, his son asks my dad if he's going to drink the wine his dad gave him as a gift. And my dad replies he'll wait to drink it with him here at the house. That was it for me. I walked away from the table, furious and hurt. My parents followed me to talk. I expressed how devastated I was that they kept prioritizing my ex and dismissing everything their own daughter went through, mentally and physically. My dad realized what he did and apologized sincerely, immediately.

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00] My mum didn't. She told me it was her house and she had the right to invite whomever she wanted. I told her a family home should be a safe place and I clearly didn't feel safe anymore. So, I left and I haven't gone back since. In November 2024, she sent me a two-page letter, no apology, just telling me I should return to therapy. I confronted her in person and for 25 minutes she repeated the same thing. I can welcome whoever I love into my home.

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00] So, I walked away again. At Christmas 2024, her twin sister asked if I was coming. And when I asked if my ex would be there, she said the same thing. It's my house, I'll invite who I want. So, I cut contact with her too. Yes, she had a good relationship with my ex and his son too. I only talk to my dad now. We're in 2025 and he keeps saying that I should get over it. That's not such of a big deal. I'm questioning myself. So, here I am.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00] Am I the arsehole for going no contact with my mum because she chose my ex over me? Absolutely not the arsehole in the slightest in this situation. Your mum is basically telling you that her relationship with your abusive ex's kid is more important than her relationship with her actual daughter. And look, I get that she's bonded with that child. That's understandable. But what was that comment from your ex about your bedroom life in front of your parents and they still want him around?

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_00] Your mum has had multiple chances to apologize, to acknowledge what you went through, your trauma that you went through. But instead, she dismisses it every step of the way. And in fact, your dad is bad as well. He's minimizing the situation at the same time. But a commenter says to OP, not the arsehole. I don't blame you at all. And it was inappropriate for your parents to develop that kind of bond with this kid to begin with. You were never married and only together for two years. Yet, they're treating this child like their own.

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_00] OP says, yes. My mum is quite frustrated that I am child free. I've got my tubes tied. And I guess she decided to get a grandchild of her own in another way. Thank you for your answer. Very helpful. Commenter says, inform your parents that by continuing to allow your ex to be a part of their lives, that they're dismissing your trauma and agreeing with him abusing you. Family is not always those who are related by blood or share DNA.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00] Family are those who support, protect, appreciate, respect and genuinely love you. Your parents are not showing you any of these signs. Spend time with people who will. Also tell your dad that he's a horrible protector who would rather have his daughter's abuser in his home and life rather than his traumatized daughter. Your own mental and emotional well-being and your peace continue to be low contact with them.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00] And any of the screeching flying family monkeys who think it's okay to have a relationship with your abuser. Sending hugs. Take care. Continue to heal. Have a great life. Surrounded by the people who support and love you. OP replied saying, I cried reading your answer and laughed when you mentioned the flying family monkeys. Thank you very much. I'm touched by your kindness. To reassure you on spending time with friends, my mermaid community and found a new family. My boyfriend's family, which are true loving people.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you a lot. Commenter says, sounds like dad needs to be added to the no contact list as well. Not the arsehole. Twitch OP said, thank you very much. Much appreciated. As he asked for forgiveness a few years back, I didn't feel like cutting him just yet. I guess it's difficult for my dad to be in the middle of both of us. Me and his wife, which I understand. But I must agree that recently I almost did. I gave him a last chance. I've set up some boundaries as I refused to give my new address.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00] To avoid unsolicited mail. And told him it was the last time he ever let his wife leave a message on his personal WhatsApp. That I would block him too. Commenter says, your mum suggested therapy. You should counter with family therapy. A therapist would be able to knock some sense into that woman. Her priority is her own family. And she's choosing a man who abused you and uses his child as an excuse. She's choosing his child over her own. She doesn't realize that the son may grow up and leave with no biological ties to them.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00] But you're in their life forever. Unless you go no contact. What she's doing is emotional and mental abuse to you. And she doesn't even realize it. If she wouldn't go to family therapy. I suggest you draft a letter with a therapist and give it to your mum. Explain you did what she counseled. And this is the response you and your therapist have come up with. See what she does with that. Would she do this if he had sexually assaulted you? What he did violated you but not in a sexual way.

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00] It's still painful and she's choosing to allow the offender into what should be a safe space for you. This isn't normal behavior at all. And I'm glad you're not letting it go. Continue to advocate for yourself. As far as your dad is concerned. Explain mental and emotional assault. Like rape. It's not something you just get over. It's trauma. And they aren't allowing you to heal by repeatedly trying to put the offender in your safe circle. Hope you replied saying thank you very much. We did go to family therapy many years ago.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00] But it was specifically for the relationship between my brother and father. I always felt like I didn't belong in the session group. As everything was mostly turning around them both. I wonder if she would accept to go to family therapy again. This time with me and her in the center of attention. But it is worth a try. Thank you. Commodore says not the arsehole. Your mum tossed you to the curb without care and isn't bothered one bit. That's until you have a child. And then she'll come back begging for forgiveness. And that she made a mistake. No.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00] She made a choice. And made the wrong one. Hope you replied saying I guess if she tossed me. It was also because of the frustration of not having grandchildren. And making me pay by the fact I tied my tubes to avoid having kids. I will not be waiting for her forgiveness. I turned that page a long time ago. Thank you for your insight. Hope you came in to update the post. And said this morning I woke up to tons of comments. And I'm still reading through them. Thank you all for your help and insights. I really appreciate it.

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_00] I'd already talked to my friends and have the support of one of my cousins. But you never really know if they're being fully honest with you or just supporting you because they care. So getting perspectives from people out of my circle helped me realize that this situation is really toxic. And that I'm right to protect myself. This gives me also the opportunity of collecting data because my dad, 67, keeps insisting the family should get back together and have dinner. He told me my mom, 61, didn't appreciate being told what to do in her own home.

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00] And still can't understand why I'm distant. I told him she probably has Alzheimer's or not willing to look at herself in the mirror. That I needed to remind him that she made her choice when she chose my ex over me. And that everyone around me also finds her behavior not good. Recently he told me that family and friends don't understand my own behavior towards them. I told him that if he refuses to understand, I'll just go public with a story and let people judge for themselves. Like I said, I don't know if it will bring a light up.

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_00] But always good to try. Some suggested family therapy while others said it wouldn't help. I'm still thinking about it. 15 years ago we did therapy for issues between my dad and brother. But I felt completely left out. Because everything revolved around them. Maybe therapy could help with confrontation. Or maybe it's better to go fully no contact and protect my peace. I still have to decide. But this event happened a few months ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD.

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00] I cried with relief but also felt anger. My brother was diagnosed early and got all the support he needed. Meanwhile when I struggled in school, I was called lazy. Later at 21, I was diagnosed with dyslexia. Which proved my mom wrong after years of dismissing me. When she learned recently through my dad about my ADHD diagnosis, she took my dad's phone and left a message in our private conversation saying how it was not new. That I had been tested at 6. And that I shouldn't make such a fuss.

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_00] I was furious and felt betrayed. My brother got support and I felt like I got neglected. That was the last straw. Any remaining trust shattered. So I really wonder if family therapy could repair this. I've started setting boundaries. I refuse to give them my new address to avoid unsolicited visits or mail. I'm protecting my peace as much as possible. Some of you said that my dad tells me to get over it. It means he's siding with my mom. I'm still not sure and wondering.

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_00] I think he's trying to avoid conflict more than anything. He has his own way of thinking and seems to struggle to see the full picture. Part of me wonders if I'm making excuses because it's hard to cut ties with someone who apologized and validated my feelings. But also, I feel that he was never diagnosed too. To clarify more detail. According to my dad, my ex never came to their house. The problem is, I don't know if I can trust him. I don't know if he's going to say this to convince me to come back or if it's actually true. It doesn't mean they didn't invite him.

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_00] I'm child free and had my tubes tied a long time ago. I love kids. I work with them and I accepted my ex's child with open arms. But my mom always wanted to be a grandma. I always said my brother would have kids but not me. So, as many of you pointed out, she's fulfilling her grandma dream with my ex's child. And she also seems to have a savior complex trying to save the child from his home. She knew about my ex's violent behavior. I told her and even showed her physical evidence. The fist mark in the bed frame.

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00] The hole he kicked in the door. Proof of his anger management. About my ex's new girlfriend and his child. I heard he didn't let her get too close. My interpretation is that he wanted to make sure the holidays stayed his. Keeping the child with my parents and preventing a bond with a new girlfriend. To this day, the child still spends school holidays with my parents. A few months ago, I confronted my dad about something else. Another woman contacted me because she was dating my ex a few months back and felt that something was off.

[00:13:03] [SPEAKER_00] She found my contact info through social media. To avoid responsibility and being authentic, as usual, my ex told her he was struggling emotionally because his mother had recently died. She hadn't. I still have access to her social media and she is posting. It was just another manipulative lie. My dad doubted the story until I showed him the messages. I don't know if he ever told my mom. It took me two years and a half to reconstruct myself after this bad relationship.

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00] I found a new family with a real man who is caring, loving and protective. With whom treats me with respect and trustworthy. I felt like every time I tried to set boundaries, I'm made to feel like I'm the problem. But reading everyone's comments has helped me see that my feelings are valid. And that stepping back doesn't make me a bad person. Thank you for everything. I will make an update if anything changes. Take care all of you. And again, gratitude to all.

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_00] A commenter says to OP, protect your peace and stay low contact with your dad and maybe no contact with your mother. Mummy Dearest sounds like she has some strong traits of narcissism, so she will be difficult to deal with. She probably sees your setting boundaries as defiance and the undermining of her control. There's a good book that might be insightful for you. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. That book taught me a lot about my narc mother and how we were destined to never have a healthy relationship. I hope it helps you.

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_00] Go gently. OP replied saying thank you for suggesting this book. Going to order it. Commenter says info, you said your ex didn't even want the kids. Where is the mother? Because if she is alive, she is fine with her son with a couple of old dudes when he has to be with his father. Also about your dad. He can tell his wife to get over it and stop inviting an abuser home. OP says I don't know what she became today, but in the past, the mom spent time being on the couch and scrolling on social media.

[00:14:56] [SPEAKER_00] She seemed to also like when her son got to go away and do some activities. Because my parents offered a lot. Horse riding, beach, etc. And also time and she couldn't offer it all. Commenter says, does your relationship with your parents bring anything of value? Any good emotions or support? OP says that's a very good question. I must take time to think about it. Downvoted commenter says, this is a real mess. I hope in the future you do not live with someone you are not married to.

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_00] It was terribly unfair, especially to the child. To bring a man you knew was controlling and abusive into your family circle. It was kind of unrealistic to just expect your parents to drop the kid. But they have to set boundaries with you in mind. Good luck. OP says I didn't expect my parents to drop the kid. I was okay with it. What I needed was them to respect me enough not to invite the dad at home. Another commenter says, good for you for having a happy life without them.

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_00] However, why is everything your mother's fault and your dad gets off almost excused? He's right there with all the information. Even more than your mom from your side it seems. He was there too when you grew up with learning problems, etc. Isn't he as guilty as her? Or is he excused because he didn't care at all? What has he done lately to fix anything? Is he mentally disabled perhaps? That's the only reason he'd be not as responsible as your mom. OP says I think I excuse more my dad than my mom.

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_00] For the reason that my dad was a hard worker and was not at home much. He also had an old Swiss German way of thinking. Which is try harder. Just shut up and work. There is no such thing as therapy. It's only for crazy people. My dad also lives in kind of a bubble dreamland. And that would not surprise me if he forgot about the diagnostic or that he wanted to forget about it. Childhood was a bit messy but my dad did evolve and become more open-minded through the years. And showed me some kind of support in his own way.

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_00] And one more commenter says, And I totally get all those commenters questioning the dad in this situation.

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00] I was doing it myself. And you know, it's just that bond that OP needs to break at some point. Because you know, he clearly does enable all this kind of behavior. I know it's incredibly difficult. And like I always say, it's always very easy for me to say, Sat behind the microphone just saying this shit. But I think if OP does cut those ties, her life will be a lot more beneficial. She already sees it from her boyfriend and their family and what they're like. Loving, caring people. That's what family should be.

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_00] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from DonkeyImpossible292 from the AmITheArsehole subreddit. And says, AmITheArsehole for getting mad that my oldest son didn't let my youngest win a game? I have four kids. Only two are relevant to this story. My 10-year-old, we're called Jack. And an 8-year-old son, we're called Tony.

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_00] They were playing Mario Kart with each other on their 3DSs. My oldest son knows to let the youngest win. Otherwise, he'd throw a tantrum. The boys swapped DSs because Tony's needed to be charged. And Jack didn't feel like moving from his spot. Like I said, Jack knows to let Tony win. But for some reason, he didn't this time. Tony started as usual, I didn't win tantrum and threw Jack's 3DS across the room.

[00:18:42] [SPEAKER_00] The console broke, top screen came off the bottom, and the buttons are unresponsive. Jack was upset, and that's why I got mad at him. He'd been told repeatedly to let Tony win to avoid a tantrum. My husband and my two girls, 16 and 17, are saying that I should make Tony give Jack his 3DS. But I think it's Jack's own fault for giving him his one, and then not letting him come first place. Jack is refusing to share anything with Tony, I guess, and has hardly spoken to me in days. So I'm left to deal with the constant tantrums on my own.

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_00] Am I, the arsehole. Edit, can you guys please stop messaging me wishing death on my kids? Oof, weird fuckers. Now, of course, you're going to be the arsehole in this situation. You've basically trained your 8-year-old that he's going to win every game. And, you know, when he doesn't, he can destroy property without any consequences. And Jack gets in trouble for playing a game normally and winning. Hell, when I get on Mario Kart, it doesn't matter how old you are, who you are.

[00:19:41] [SPEAKER_00] You're losing against me. Get wrecked. And the fact that everyone in the house disagrees with you on this should be a wake-up call to you. That you're teaching Tony to throw tantrums because they work. When he throws a tantrum, he gets what he wants. And so Tony does owe Jack his DS and you owe Jack an apology. Let the poor kid play the game he wants to. That must be boring as arse to play a game knowing you're going to lose constantly.

[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_00] And to be fair, I'm myself not a total animal. I've let some younger kids in the family sometimes win the odd game here and there. You know, just to keep them interested, of course. But Raina says, you're the arsehole. You need to put a stop to Tony's tantrums. Just because Jack is older does not make it fair that you don't want to properly parent Tony. Is Tony on the spectrum? That would explain his behavior better. But if he's not, then you need to parent him even if it's stressful to you. It's not fair to any of the older kids really.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says Tony isn't on the spectrum. But he's got ADHD and is an intolerable mess when he's screaming and shouting. Yellow Pig says, you're the arsehole. Letting Tony win all the time to avoid a tantrum is not the way to do it. He's not learning to deal with disappointment or figuring out how to try harder to do better. I do agree with you not making him give up his DS though. Instead, I'll be making him do chores to earn money to buy his brother a new one. Opie says, they're not made new anymore. And I don't buy secondhand tech.

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_00] So if I make Tony give up his, he won't have one. Commodore says, info, what is your plan for the future? Will Jack always have to give up his things in order to keep Tony happy? They are young now. But what about in a few years when Jack gets his first girlfriend? Will Tony throw a fit or the teenager equivalent? How will you handle that? Opie says, everyone in this house makes sacrifices to make Tony happy. Not just Jack. They'll have to keep doing that until they move out. What? Oh dear.

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_00] Commenter says, what about making Jack happy? Is that important as well? So it was three months later that Opie came back in and said hi. So it's been a few months since I posted that and I was mostly rightfully dragged for it. There's been enough breakthroughs for an update. So here we go. As I mentioned in the comments, Tony had unmedicated ADHD. And after taking him to the doctor to start the medication process, we were told that it wasn't ADHD, but most likely autism spectrum disorder.

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_00] The doctor was in fact right. However, Reddit was right. I was enabling his behavior. We, myself, my husband and Tony are all in a group and individual counseling now. And on to Jack. I did not make Tony give Jack his 3DS, but Santa delivered Jack an early Christmas present. A brand new Nintendo Switch. Tony isn't allowed to touch it. There's much less tolerance for Tony's tantrums now. And his behavior has improved massively.

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00] He doesn't get what he wants just because he'll have a tantrum. Now he understands that he'll be put in a room on his own. And if he comes out before he's calmed down, he will not be acknowledged. Overall, a pretty positive update. Thank you all for your advice and for telling me I was in fact the asshole. Frank Fourfinger says, Did you have any sort of conversation with Jack to let him know how you were wrong for enabling his brother's behavior? In the last post, it was pretty clear that Jack was you so that you didn't have to deal with Tony's tantrums.

[00:23:04] [SPEAKER_00] And he probably felt really shitty about that. I truly hope that you're not just being a better parent to one kid, but a better parent to both. Opie says, Yes, I've spoken to him and told him exactly what I did wrong. And asked him what he wants me to do in order to make it up to him. Duran says, You're still the asshole. You should have taken the 3DS away as well as all electronics from Tony. Buying Jack a Switch does not negate all your super shitty parenting from before.

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_00] Opie says he wasn't allowed to play any games on it until this month. I confiscated until he showed me he was ready to have it back. Out of all of this, I was just left with a comment that... I just couldn't help but bring up the comment again about how she wouldn't buy secondhand tech. So, you know, that child can't have another one because I will not buy another 3DS because they don't make them anymore. I'm just like, what's the reason behind that? Bloody hell. But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_00] There were still people calling Opie the a-hole in this situation. Other people saying, you know, glad it was resolved in the end. And that your, you're the asshole verdict did make a change. But what do you think? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So, thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.