I'm REFUSING To Let My Dad & Sister Live With Us After Their Home Was RUINED IN A FIRE | r/AITAH

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Phantom in the Woods from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. It was titled, Am I the Arsehole for not allowing my dad and sister to live with us after I just had a baby and their home was ruined by my dad.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00] It started off with another post that was titled, How Long After A House Fire Can Someone Return? My dad's neighbor's place burned to the ground the other night. The wind kicked up and the siding melted on my dad's place. The windows shattered and the blinds inside melted. Everyone is safe, thank God. The water, electric and gas have been shut off to be safe. We collected some things in the dark and freezing cold last night.

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00] My sister said she didn't know if it would be a weekend thing or a two month plus thing. Has anyone experienced this or know what happens? The adjuster came out and looked around and the development owner, they rent, said they would have someone out to repair the siding ASAP. But I feel like the siding is the least of the worries. I know it's dependent on the damage, but we haven't heard anything since the firefighters left yesterday. Thank you.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00] A commenter said, Unless the fire department tagged dad's house as uninhabitable, he can return when he wants. If the landlord is not allowing him to return, they should file with his renter's insurance for alternative housing or insist the owner, if not tagged in uninhabitable, pays for the alternative housing and starts repairs. If there is smoke inside the home, he will want to get a well-referred restoration company out and not reside in the home until it's cleaned. If he says so, I'm not entirely sure.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00] They're allowed to come and go, but all utilities have been shut off and we're in an area with high temperatures in the single digits. The house is far too cold and they have no running water, gas or electric right now. I think they're trying to figure out how to tell if everything is damaged, but everyone's confused on the next step. All the offices are closed today, so it's a waiting game until Monday. Mr. Ball says if they're going to repair siding, it will forever smell like smoke inside.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00] Smoke never really goes away after a house fire, outside of a full rebuild, so I hope your dad likes that smell. Timeline is case-by-case based, so ask your landlord as they will be the one involved in the utilities and repairs. I hope he says thank you. Yes, the house does have a smoke smell. Worrisome, my dad has a track tube and can't stand even a candle, let alone a fire. We'll be in touch with the landlord and I appreciate the advice.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00] And this is where the am I the arsehole part of the post came in. It started. To start, I needed to escape from living with my dad and sister many years ago. I moved in with my boyfriend, now husband, in college 10 years ago. They're irresponsible, siphon money and don't care of anything. My sister is a narcissist and I've been in therapy for years. Had a baby recently and I'm writing this post on three hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and burnt out.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00] I'm a working mum. My husband works too and we're still in survival mode. A neighbor's house caught fire and burned to the ground. My dad and sister's home was close. The siding melted. Windows cracked, blinds melted. Inside smells like smoke. No one was hurt. My dad and sister still have their belongings. Utilities are off and insurance companies are looking into everything. No clue how long this will take or what is going to happen.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00] However, my dad has a tons of medical problems and equipment and would need to stay on the main floor. There is nowhere for him to stay aside from the living room. Our only common area, and this is where the baby spends most days, our only common area, and this is where the baby spends most days. Baby is at an age where he will grab and chew on anything, including small parts for medical supplies. My dad would need to use the bathroom on the main floor. He's not careful when he goes, to put it politely.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00] He refuses to clean and has been extremely disorganized since I was born. Medically, it's different now. I can't fault him for not being able to complete everyday tasks. My concern is the possibility of incontinence, and being around the baby is worrisome due to health concerns, as well as me needing to mother my own father on top of our son. My sister and her cat have already been staying with us over the weekend.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00] Dad is considered a displaced senior with medical necessities, so the hospital has taken him for now. They want him out soon. My husband has a mild cat allergy, so we can't keep the cat in the house for long. My sister is disrespectful and rude. I'm used to ignoring her, but my husband is livid. She watched us put away groceries. I had to ask her to help with dishes after she ate a meal that I cooked, and she brought over my dad's dirty laundry and didn't do it because she went to an activity for fun.

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00] My husband is currently doing it while I'm at work, and I have to run it to my dad tonight in the hospital. She talks and talks without ever stopping. She is selfish and doesn't think about anyone except herself. My husband put his foot down, and I agreed. We spoke with my sister and gave her a two-week max that she could stay. She started to cry. This gives her plenty of time to work with the landlord, they rent, and the insurance to be placed into temporary housing. I feel very, very guilty though.

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00] Been working on not people-pleasing, but I feel this is different. But I can't do this. I'm already at the end of my rope. I need to put my son first. I can't do more than this. Two weeks is even difficult. Am I the asshole here? I think OP pretty much said it in the first line for me that they're irresponsible, siphon money, and don't take care of anything. And don't get me wrong.

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00] The fire is absolutely awful, and what your dad's going through is sad at the same time, genuinely. But it doesn't change who these people are. Her sister isn't being, you know, inconsiderate because she's traumatized or whatever. She's inconsiderate because that's who she is. And now she's doing it in OP's house. OP's already escaped this once already by moving in with her boyfriend a decade ago. And she left because living with these people was unsustainable.

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00] But Jaguar says not the asshole. I wouldn't have let them stay at all. They can get a hotel room. They should be able to read their insurance documents and see if temporary accommodations are supposed to be covered. You are sure they're telling the truth about the fire, right? OP says I wish I had said no. They're not good with money and don't have anything saved for emergencies. My sister said she's making phone calls today. I feel like I needed to light a fire under her ass and this certainly did it.

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00] But yes, I saw the neighbor's house and their house in person and I was inside the house with all the damage. They can come and go but all utilities are turned off until they finish assessing damage. We have ice and snow on the ground and single digit degree temperatures right now. The neighbor's place is completely gone. They lost everything. She better figure it out sooner rather than later. Someone says info. How old is sister? Also, the cat needs to go today. That isn't right to do to your husband.

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00] Your dad needs to go to assisted living. Paid for by Medicare or Medicaid. Till he has a place to stay that isn't your place. OP says she is 32. We'll figure out a plan tonight for the cat. The hospital mentioned my dad possibly going to assisted living due to his health concerns too. It could coincide with this treatment and PT he needs as well. Uptown Brown Girl says, Why do you feel guilty? Your sister has somewhere else to go. Using insurance, displacement coverage etc.

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_00] Even if she didn't, it doesn't sound like you can take her in. Your husband is allergic to her cat and your sister is allergic to doing the extra work her presence causes you. She's also toxic enough that she sent you to therapy. Who'd want to live like that? Situations get serious before people do. Perhaps the two weeks to secure housing will help your sister grow up. Wish her well and hold your boundary. OP says, I sincerely appreciate this perspective. Thank you.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00] This was seriously the ultimate test in boundary setting. She has a way of making me feel guilty or like I owe her something. I've been much better but under the pressure and immediacy I crumbled. Try not to be hard on myself though. My husband is helping me stay strong and keep this boundary. Lobster says, Not the asshole. This is a good time to reach out to a social worker. When your dad is discharged, you will tell them you cannot take him in. They deal with this a lot.

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_00] Consider packing up your sister and prepaying a few days at a hotel before she starts claiming tenancy by having her mail sent to your home. OP says, Good God. I hadn't even thought about her claiming tenancy. We'll have to put something in writing saying she's out by the two week mark and have her sign it. Thank you. OP comes in with an update and says, Thank you for all your feedback. Words of encouragement, blunt honesty and reminders to set firm boundaries and to take care of my husband and son first.

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00] I refused to allow my father and his medical equipment into our home. There were no arguments there, especially when it came down to the safety and cleanliness of my baby's living environment. The cat allergies became severe for not only my husband but myself. I held firm that my sister and her cat had to be gone from our home immediately for our health. We couldn't breathe. I told my sister to book a pet-friendly hotel room with her own card and thanks to a Reddit user's suggestion to help her move along quickly.

[00:09:51] [SPEAKER_00] We sent her the money to cover two nights to get her out of our hair. We gave her cash and are not expecting it back. Not ideal, but she is gone. Her stuff is out of our house and we're looking for a cleaning company to help us rid of the dander. Someone says to OP, Well done. Gotta put your own oxygen mask before helping others. It sounds like your sister would suck up all the oxygen from your mask before using her own. OP says thank you. So well put and so very true.

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00] And OP gets it spot on, I think. You know, giving her cash isn't the ideal situation. But it does get rid of her. It does bring her peace back. And she did hold up her boundaries in the end. Which I think is great for OP. Great for their family. It sounds like especially from what she's been through in her past with these people at the same time. I imagine there's a whole lot there. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:10:49] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from LoveTheJobHateTheBoss from the AmITheArseholeHere subreddit. And it says am I the arsehole for leaving the family group chat with a petty message after my dad added the secret brother I just found out about. My 32 female parents have been divorced for longer than I can remember. And my dad and I have never had a great relationship.

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_00] Being nice to each other. Call for birthdays and such. But not a real father-daughter relationship. My dad lives in Kentucky and my sister and I live in Texas. About a year ago I called him and told him I wanted us to be closer. His solution was a group chat with me, him and my sister where we would play daily games like Wordle slash connections and post the results. After a few months I told him that while the games were fun they weren't actually a relationship.

[00:11:47] [SPEAKER_00] He dismissed me and said he thought the game chat was good enough. I was hurt but I gave up and accepted the Wordle scores for all I was ever going to get from him. Two months before my wedding my dad dropped a bombshell. He FaceTimed my sister and me to tell us we have an older brother, Brandon, that he had kept secret our entire lives. I got married, things were civil and I tried to process having a new sibling.

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_00] A few months ago without any warning or heads up my dad added Brandon and Brandon's wife to our small game group chat. Suddenly the chat I started to get closer to my dad became The Dad and Brandon Show. I talk constantly while my sister and I are basically just spectators in a chat I originally created for us. I called my dad to tell him I felt pushed out and that he still wasn't making an effort with me.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00] He gave me a guilt trip speech about how the chat is the brightest part of his day and he just wants all his kids to be together. I'm done. I feel like my request for a relationship was ignored, then hijacked. I'm known as the dramatic one in the family so I decided to lean into it. I sent a message to the group saying, I'm bowing out. I realize this has become the Dad and Brandon catch-up hour and I love that for you guys, but since I'm still waiting on the relationship I actually asked for months ago,

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00] watching from the sidelines isn't for me. Brandon, so glad you're here. Dad, I'll leave you to your brightest part of your day. I'm glad you won't even notice I'm gone. With a wink emoji. Then I immediately left the group. My sister, who I warned beforehand, thinks it was iconic. Am I the arsehole for leaving the chat this way? The casual way that he just dropped in this secret brother is just absolutely wild.

[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_00] You know, just like, surprise, you have a whole entire brother that I've been hiding for three decades. I mean, what the fuck? And then the ambush in the group chat, like just zero warning, just suddenly adding them. Like they're just like new co-workers joining a Slack channel or something. No asking OP, how do you feel about this? No easing into it. Just, here's your bro, he's gonna play and then take over the chat completely. I mean, it's just so, that's madness, isn't it?

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_00] It just feels like, and this is gonna sound horrible to say for like OP and sister, that Brandon is like the do-over child or whatever, although he's been in existence for years. But a commenter was asking, so the dad only wanted to have a son to talk to in the group chat. And OP says, this is what my sister thinks. I don't really disagree. He just wanted a son instead of daughters. Ouch. Commenter says, not the arsehole. That's like calling him by his first name. But I'm extra petty today.

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_00] OP says, except he likes it when people call him Captain Dan, which is super annoying to me. Commenter says, not the arsehole, but you say you need a personal relationship with him and he and your sister. Tell him you'll find time to get to know Brandon in the wordle chat. It's not his fault, he was a secret. Your dad is old, time is short. And you're a bit jealous of his seeming earnest effort to engage with Brandon, which is justified and I see how it hurts. You guys need to call him.

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_00] You text him daily and just include him. If you want a relationship, you're gonna have to cultivate it. You cannot ask him to change so drastically. This dynamic is set pretty firmly. I wish you the best, but I say be more attentive. What's the worst he's going to do? Reject you? Well, you've never been close. You can change that. You gotta divorce yourself from the idea that your dad is going to be father knows best. You gotta treat him like a new friend.

[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_00] Ask about his day, what he watched, what it was like when he was a kid. Just as much as you might not feel like you're good enough for him. He might feel like a failure to you. He did lie to you for decades. Secret brother. There has to be some guilt. What is unfair is expecting him to have a grown introspection and therapy awareness like us. He hasn't and he likely won't. So lower your expectations. If you want a relationship with your dad, you're going to have to do the work and take the risk.

[00:15:56] [SPEAKER_00] Start calling him dude or dude dad. Think of the relationship in a platonic sort of dynamic. Just two friends catching up. And Wordle is a great start. But if you want more, you gotta give more. Demand more in action. Schedule your morning message daily. Good morning dude dad. What you got planned today? I'll give you a five minute call on around my lunchtime. And then call. Ask him what he will have for dinner. Share a funny joke. And tell him you'll send the message either later that night or in the morning.

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_00] Bam. Be consistent for a week. Talk about getting older like, hey dude daddy. My knee just popped out and it made me think of you. What you got planned for today? Your old rice crispy treat. He's a buddy. That's what he wants. I'm pretty sure. Fluff no service. He wants to be dependable again. Hope he says, I really like this comment. It just wouldn't work for us.

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_00] There's so much about our relationship I could never write in here. Or you'd be reading a book the size of Harry Potter. Opie came in with an update titled, update the group chat exit herd round the world and buy 117k of you. Hey everyone. First off, thank you for all the support and validation. 8k views is absolutely wild and a little bit nerve wracking. But it really helped knowing so many people were in my corner. So it's what went down after I hit send on that message.

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_00] The immediate aftermath was silence from my dad. Crickets. Still haven't heard a single word from him, which making me a little nervous honestly. But the best part of this whole mess, Brandon and his wife both reached out to me privately. Apologizing for intruding on our group chat. I immediately shut that down and let them know it was 100% my dad's doing. Not theirs. It also owned up to my dramatic one reputation. Telling them that sometimes stupid stuff like this is the only way my dad hears me.

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_00] I told them I'd love to have a relationship with them and Brandon just said, there's no time like the present. We had a really great 45 minute FaceTime call. Just the two of us siblings getting to know each other. It turns out my dad is a master of manipulation and storytelling on both ends. To me, my dad made it seem like he and Brandon were besties who loved their morning chats. To Brandon, my dad made it seem like my sister and I had this amazing, great relationship with him.

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00] In reality, Brandon is super hurt by my dad. He didn't even know about him until he was 18. And only feels obligated to have a relationship for his own kid's sake. We both got pretty emotional about it all. The overall consensus between us is that we're just kind of over my dad's nonsense. So, while I'm still waiting on a response from my father, I gained a great new brother and perspective. Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I'll update again if the old man ever decides to speak to me.

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_00] A commenter says, how did you have an update ready within a couple of hours of the post? I hope he says as soon as I sent the message, Brandon and his wife replied. We're on FaceTime within 20 minutes. And they text me on my own phone number since I wasn't in the group chat anymore. Comoda says, not the arsehole and stop waiting for dad. He doesn't deserve the time or attention that he is housing in your head. You will never be what you want him to be and that's fine. But you have to mourn that loss and move on. Opie replied saying, I think you're right.

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_00] Thank you. Opie comes in with another update a little bit later and says, Update 2. This one may not be as easy to read. I've been using AI to help my ADHD storytelling better. And it's not being super helpful today. Thanks again for all the support and for letting me know I wasn't the arsehole. As promised, here is an update on the situation with my dad. My last update ended with me still waiting to hear from my dad. Well, he reached out the next day, yesterday, with a text that said,

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_00] Let me know when you're up. I responded letting him know I was up. But also that I didn't want to discuss what happened in the group chat. Just that I wanted to be done with it. I told him I just wanted him to call me every once in a while and make me feel like he actually cares. Rather than just using the convenient group chat for generic check-ins. The chats I explained just became a daily reminder of the relationship I don't have with him. Then I felt weird being in a group with people I don't know.

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00] I reminded him that I had asked him over and over for a real relationship and that it shouldn't be that hard. I was done getting my feelings hurt. The overall consensus? I didn't get the apology or the change I was hoping for. He basically doubled down on the group chat being the highlight of his day and how he gets to check on everybody that way. He never acknowledged my feelings. Just said that the phone works both ways and he'd be happy to take a call from me if I needed something.

[00:20:47] [SPEAKER_00] He said that my siblings and I are busy and he didn't want to be in the way. He also suggested we all meet in the city I live in. As if Brandon and his family can just pick up and travel with small children easily. I just said no thank you. And he tried to call but I didn't answer. That was yesterday. We're a little snowed in here in Texas. And my dad sent me a photo of his hot chocolate today and said he was thinking of me. I was obsessed with hot chocolate when I was a kid. Which I thought was nice.

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_00] And I did answer but I can't help but feel he's just trying to save face now. I'm just keeping my expectations low. Thanks everyone for reading and giving advice. I really appreciate you more than you know. I think it's one of those stories and it's just incredibly sad where Opie needs to realize her father's never going to be that person. He's clearly already been manipulative in the background to both Opie and to Brandon.

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_00] You know painting their relationships as perfect when clearly neither one is with him. Whether he sees it that way or not I don't know. But you know I don't think you're ever going to get what you actually want from him. And the comments are in this story you know saying about the phone works both ways and all this kind of stuff. Absolute bollocks in my opinion. Absolute bollocks. Talking about you know Opie's going to have to cultivate the relationship like a friend or whatever.

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_00] Opie did try to cultivate the relationship and he turns around and says well this is good enough right? That's all he wanted was a group chat. Absolute nuts. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from both of the am I the arsehole and the am I overreacting subreddit from international east 63. And says am I the arsehole for not getting my boyfriend a birthday present.

[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_00] My boyfriend 33 male and I 25 female have been together for 8 months. I'm putting myself through school and I'm working towards getting my third degree. Because of this I'm super broke and penny pinch in every way I can. My boyfriend is settled in his career with disposable income so we have different habits when it comes to spending money. Our finances are completely separate.

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_00] His birthday was last week but I didn't get him a physical gift because of all the things he wants or needs are wildly outside my budget. Instead I woke up super early in the morning to make him a big special breakfast. French toast, eggs, bacon and coffee and brought it to him in bed. He's the type to work even on his birthday. So I made him a special packed lunch. Grilled chicken sandwich with pesto, mozzarella, cheese, veggies, the works and rice on the side.

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_00] While he was at work I cleaned his whole house. I swept, dusted, mopped, picked up and organized. Then I made his favorite dinner. Henne vodka. And organized a movie night of his all time movies. When he got home I gave him a handwritten happy birthday card before we ate dinner. And watched the movies. I also planned a surprise party that weekend with his friends and family. Which I also cleaned up everything after. And I thought he had a great time.

[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_00] He admitted to me yesterday that he was upset and felt unimportant because I didn't get him an actual present. I reminded him about my financial situation. He said it wasn't about the cost of the gift but the gesture behind giving something. And it could have been something small. I asked him if everything else I did wasn't enough of a gesture. And he said that wasn't the point. Now we're both just upset at each other. So am I the arsehole for not getting my boyfriend a physical birthday present? Edit.

[00:24:27] [SPEAKER_00] I see a lot of people talking about love languages and communication. I agree. Those are super important. My love language is actually physical touch. Not acts of service like a lot of people are guessing. I know his love language is gifts. So I thought a handmade card would be enough along with everything else. I'm just confused and upset because I try to go above and beyond due to the fact that my budget constraint meant I couldn't buy him a gift that wasn't from the dollar store. I like the comments about craft gifts.

[00:24:55] [SPEAKER_00] I think those are good alternatives and I'll talk to my boyfriend about that to see what he thinks. I hope this is just a communication issue. A lot of people are also asking about using money I spent on food for a gift instead. The money I spent on food was part of my grocery budget. It's money I would have spent anyway. I just factored in his favorite things. Plus I used a small bit from his fridge. My budget was and continues to be very tight. And there's always a lot of talk about love languages and stuff like that.

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_00] And absolutely it exists and people do have certain love languages in their relationships etc. But in this particular situation I think it's being weaponized against OP to making her think that she's failed when she didn't. She gave him a handwritten card. That in itself is a physical gift. Plus breakfast in bed, a packed lunch, cleaned the house, a homemade dinner, made a movie night for him, cleaned up after. And for me his reaction to this is just bloody insulting.

[00:25:50] [SPEAKER_00] She spent hours of a limited time and the resources that she had. She was spending her own budget, her own food budget on this to make his day special. I was reading that and thinking what an absolutely lovely thing to do when you don't have the money to do it. And the fact that he turned around after all this, all this and turned around and went yeah but where's my thing?

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_00] Imagine looking at your partner who's juggling three degrees, hasn't got the money and is doing all this for you to try and make your day special. And you turn around at the end and go yeah but you know you didn't get me a gift. Bloody hell. But Joe Funk says not the arse of. A 33 year old man with disposable income expecting his financially struggling girlfriend to buy him a toy for his birthday like he's a little kid is kind of messed up. The time and effort you put into his birthday was above and beyond.

[00:26:42] [SPEAKER_00] His reaction to that is a figurative slap in the face. It's such a bad reaction that it calls his character into question. Kaldaka says they've been dating 8 months since she went this hard and he's complaining still. I hope she ditches him and he realizes how hard he fucked up. Total Payment says not the arse of. Your approach shows that he put in great thought and consideration and did all that you could for him despite your financial situation. I prefer that to a physical gift. He even threw him a party.

[00:27:12] [SPEAKER_00] He made great efforts and he noticed what was missing. He's 33. Think carefully before you continue this relationship. Will anything be good enough or will he always focus on the one thing he didn't like? You have your whole life ahead of you and you should center yourself. So this is the part where OP went into the overreacting am I overreacting subreddit. Just said am I overreacting about my boyfriend's underwhelming present.

[00:27:39] [SPEAKER_00] And said I26female posted to am I the arsehole in June about my boyfriend's 33 male birthday. Long story short. I'm a broke grad student. So for my boyfriend's birthday I cooked him three special meals. Deep cleaned his house. Made him a card. Created his favorite movies for a movie night. And organized a surprise party. He was upset I didn't get him a physical gift to open. Even though my budget is very tight because of school. Server job keeps me afloat while I take classes and work an unpaid fellowship.

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_00] So my birthday was last week. When we first got together we had only been dating for a couple of months and were not very serious. So we just had dinner to celebrate. This year though when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told him I wanted an experience. I'm not that into gifts. Especially if they're not something useful. If I'm going to spend money on something. I want to get a lot of use out of it to justify the expense. I like memories and new experiences more anyway.

[00:28:36] [SPEAKER_00] I basically told him to pretend like it was our first date. And he was trying to impress me. When he asked me what I meant. I gave him some suggestions. A cool coffee shop or ice cream place that was far enough away to require a mini road trip with curated playlists. Trivia night at a weird themed bar with cool drinks. A museum crawl with funky exhibits. I basically gave him a map. He said okay. And I started to get excited about what he might plan.

[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_00] Well when my birthday came around he didn't tell me about any plans. It was during the week and I wasn't expecting him to take the day off work. But I thought that maybe he had a day set aside during that weekend or next. I was wrong. I went to his place after he got home from work. And he kissed me. Gave me flowers and a box. And said happy birthday. The box had a necklace in it. Very pretty. But very not my thing unfortunately. Plus it was silver. I don't wear silver jewelry. I wear gold jewelry.

[00:29:33] [SPEAKER_00] I guess he noticed my disappointment. Because he had asked what was wrong. I told him the necklace and flowers were beautiful. But not what I was expecting. He replied that the necklace was expensive. And he put a lot of thought into choosing it. I asked him why he would explicitly ask me what I wanted for my birthday. If he wasn't going to listen. Then he said. It sucks to be blindsided and disappointed on your birthday huh. That hurt a lot. We're in very different financial situations.

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_00] I'm a student with an unpaid internship. He settled in his career with disposable income. And when I asked what he wanted for his birthday. He said he would love whatever I ended up getting him. Even if it was tiny. So I had nothing to go on. It feels like he asked me what I wanted. So he could do something completely different. And make me feel bad. Because I accidentally made him feel bad on his birthday. Does that sound off the mark? Am I being hypocritical. Because of how he felt on his birthday?

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_00] Am I overreacting about my birthday? Oh and we have another update in a moment. I didn't realize that myself. But I don't switch says not overreacting. Seems very petty on his part. Komasami says. Honestly if I were OP. I'd be much more appreciative and thankful of him for this. Because he just showed OP in one move. That any more time spent in this relationship is a huge waste. This was a big red flag. And him actively showing you he doesn't care about you. And that he cares more about himself. Please dump this loser.

[00:31:01] [SPEAKER_00] And find someone who likes you. Because this is not how people act when they like you. Not overreacting. GlobeWanderer says this is called a red flag. If someone cooked and cleaned my entire house. That would make my year. Not overreacting. Individual Wins says. Sounds like to me. He did listen. And hear you on what you would like for your birthday. And then intentionally gifted you a jewellery piece. He knew you wouldn't prefer. I'm saying he sounded like he meticulously planned this out. And gave it thought to do this to you.

[00:31:30] [SPEAKER_00] That thinking of someone is complex in my opinion. And says more negative about the individual than positive. If he didn't know. Or you didn't tell him. Then my response would be a little different. But honestly. That's just really icky of him to think through. Plan. Plan. And then execute. He sounds like an insufferable shit person. So OP did come in with an update. And said update. First thank you so much to everyone who opened my eyes. To the emotional abuse of his actions. There were a lot of things I overlooked in our relationship.

[00:31:59] [SPEAKER_00] That were super not okay in retrospect. And I really needed someone to give me perspective. So thank you. Second some of the comments out here. Had me feeling like a snob. For turning my nose up at something so expensive. Sure it wasn't my style. But he tried. And he spent money on me. With intention of giving me a luxury item. I couldn't get myself right. Wrong. I brought it back to the store this morning. Had the gift receipt. With the intention to return the money to my now ex-boyfriend. Even if we were still together.

[00:32:28] [SPEAKER_00] I'd feel uncomfortable with someone spending so much money on me. After all. I was told it was real silver. Turns out. It was silver plated. Lol. Cost about $18. I know this term is overused online. But that was the textbook definition of gaslighting. After our argument. We decided to take some time apart. And it didn't feel right to keep such an expensive gift. Especially if we weren't together. It went from taking time apart. To broken up. The moment the clerk told me it was fake silver.

[00:32:58] [SPEAKER_00] I ended up keeping the necklace. Just so I could drop it off to him. In an envelope. With the $18 cash. It puts a bit of a stitch in my grocery budget for the week. But fully worth it. Absolutely good on OP in the end of this. I couldn't see it ending any other way to be quite honest. The fact that he went to this effort of asking OP what she would like. And then went totally out of the way to not do that. And then throw it in her face afterwards. It's just. You know. What's the point?

[00:33:29] [SPEAKER_00] Imagine having someone that would go through all these steps for you. Like the breakfast. The lunch. The tidying of the whole house. And then to treat them this way. When they're trying their best in life at the same time. They're trying to succeed. You know. All the education. Working at the same time. Little money for themselves. And they're still thinking of you in that way. It's fucking wild. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down. In the comments below.

[00:33:58] [SPEAKER_00] Now just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories. Your love. Your support. Your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much. And hopefully. I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.