My Mother In Law Made A Joke And I Countered It And Embarrassed Her r/Relationships

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[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_02]: Hello, sorry for the new account.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't want this associated with my other account.

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so my Mother In Law.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_02]: Or actually, I will start with my wife, Tara.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_02]: Tara is lovely and wonderful.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_02]: Tara also escaped from her little midwestern hometown

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_02]: and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm pretty sure her mum took that personally.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_02]: Her mum was born and raised in and around that small town.

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_02]: So my Mother In Law, she is emotionally immature.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_02]: Tara read that one book about immature adult parents

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_02]: and she finally understood her family dynamic

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_02]: in a way she never did before.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_02]: Mother In Law is not a bad or evil person.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_02]: She usually means very well, but she's kind of...

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know how to put it, self-centered?

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_02]: Like her first thought process is always,

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_02]: how do I feel about this new information?

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_02]: Tara and I bought a little starter home last year.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_02]: Park interest rates, but we're hoping they come down

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_02]: and we can refinance.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_02]: The place was too good to pass up

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_02]: and her Mother In Law invited herself over last week.

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_02]: This is something that is extremely on brand for her

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_02]: and we like to pick our battles in this family.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_02]: Though we just let her.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_02]: Her mum, who again is not terrible,

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_02]: just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries,

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_02]: shows up and drops herself in the spare room

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_02]: and just immediately starts giving herself a tour.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_02]: Again, whatever.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_02]: We actually hired a cleaner before she arrived

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_02]: so we wouldn't worry.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_02]: Annoying but that's life.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_02]: So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_02]: I have a jumbo-sized tub of generic Vaseline next to my bed

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_02]: because I have a nose CPAP.

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_02]: My lips get chapped.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_02]: So she picks it up and makes this really weird face

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_02]: and says almost direct quote,

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_02]: well, I know what this is for.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_02]: And I responded.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, that's for chapped lips.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't jerk off with Vaseline.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_02]: Apparently my timing was good

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_02]: because my wife laughed but my Mother In Law

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_02]: did not laugh at all.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_02]: Then for the next three days she kept asking me,

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_02]: are you gonna be gross again?

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_02]: When I tried to make normal conversation.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I said over and over that she was the one

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_02]: that made the joke and her response was always,

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_02]: yeah, but that was a joke.

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_02]: Like what I said was totally serious.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_02]: I guess it was.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I was telling the truth

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_02]: but I was only bantering because she started it.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't even invite her into our bedroom.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_02]: Anyways, she brought it up over text to Tara

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_02]: and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_02]: But I don't think I did anything wrong.

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_02]: I am I, the asshole.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_02]: So she's swanning around your house,

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_02]: you know, making herself at home,

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_02]: touring your house without you even guiding her around.

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_02]: She wanders into your bedroom of all places

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_02]: and then makes a sex joke of sorts.

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_02]: You simply responded with that's not what you use it for.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_02]: And then of course she gets offended.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_02]: And then for the next few days,

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_02]: tell you are you gonna be gross again?

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_02]: When she's the one that brought it up originally.

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_02]: No, don't apologize.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_02]: Petty me is coming out.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know where it came from

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_02]: but it's like little pots of Vaseline all around the house.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_02]: Every room put a little pot somewhere now.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_02]: I know that's going to cause you more trouble

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_02]: than it's worth but in my head it's funny.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_02]: But in the comments Robo Spam says not the asshole.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_02]: She was the one who first insinuated it was for sex.

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_02]: You just said it out loud.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_02]: She's got the dirty mind.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_02]: O.P responds saying so her argument is that

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_02]: it was an innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_02]: I think this might be a cultural thing too.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe I don't know.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_02]: I've gotten into the doghouse in this family before

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_02]: for being too direct.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_02]: Slakacic says not the asshole.

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_02]: She tried to make you blush

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_02]: but then gets mad because you made her blush.

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_02]: She's what this basically boils down to.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_02]: Next time she says something about it

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_02]: I would just be like oh my god

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_02]: how much do you think about this one comment?

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_02]: The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_02]: of your mind is making me almost uncomfortable

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_02]: as the original joke.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_02]: Can we just bury this entire incident?

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_02]: O.P says yeah.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_02]: I think I might have been more direct than she used to

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_02]: and mostly worried about my wife

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_02]: who gets to be the middle person here.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_02]: She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_02]: I would gladly tell my mother-in-law to just stop

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_02]: and go away if she wants to talk about it.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for context.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_02]: O.P replies that says I think you hit nail on the head.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_02]: My parents are emotionally immature.

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_02]: My husband's parents are really religious

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_02]: and we're not.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_02]: We made the decision a long time ago

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_02]: that we each deal with our own families

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_02]: and that our pride isn't as important

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_02]: as the else of spouse's sanity.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_02]: We're not at all wrong.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_02]: But the question is

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_02]: is you're not being wrong

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_02]: worth your wife's sanity?

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_02]: This is a conversation better had with your wife

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_02]: including setting up plans for next time

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_02]: because there will be a next time

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_02]: which hills are worth dying on

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_02]: which aren't.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_02]: If this is worth dying on that's fine

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_02]: but it needs to be a conversation

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_02]: with your teammate.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_02]: Loud cricket says not the arsehole

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_02]: you didn't do anything wrong

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_02]: anyone with even a slight sense of humor

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_02]: would find that funny.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_02]: You're right

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_02]: she's the one with her mind in the gutter

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_02]: in the first place.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_02]: She goes to your house uninvited

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_02]: goes into your room without permission

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_02]: thus invading your space

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_02]: makes a sexual innuendo

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_02]: or something as innocuous

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_02]: as Vaseline by your bed

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_02]: which then smoothly brush off and make

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_02]: admittedly a funny joke about

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_02]: and now you're the one who owes an apology.

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_02]: Opie says like I said elsewhere

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_02]: she comes from a kind of insular

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_02]: Midwest culture in which

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_02]: indirect and subtle is preferred to direct

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_02]: and I'm not that way

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_02]: I know it.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_02]: And one more comment from

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_02]: MamblePamble who says not the arsehole

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_02]: I read that book

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_02]: my mum does this

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_02]: she wants you to be uncomfortable

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_02]: so she has the upper hand

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_02]: to step on your boundaries

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_02]: and make you feel dirty

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_02]: you're going to weaponize your reaction

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_02]: that entire trip if you add one

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_02]: and bring up the tub of Vaseline

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_02]: to get a reaction at every chance she got

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_02]: you took that power away

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_02]: turn the tables and didn't give her

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_02]: the reaction she wanted

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_02]: embarrassment

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_02]: and now she's pissy

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_02]: because you embarrassed her

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_02]: she can't take it

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_02]: and she has no emotional power over the situation

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_02]: let her be pissy

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_02]: fuck around and find out

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to have to have a look out for that book

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_02]: after I need something to listen to when I go on my walks

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_02]: if you know the exact book they're talking about

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_02]: let me know in the comments please

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_02]: but Opie comes in with an update

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_02]: and says am I the arsehole wasn't interested

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_02]: probably because it is boring

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_02]: I took the advice of a couple of people

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_02]: in the original thread

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_02]: and I talked to my wife about one

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_02]: what happened while her mum was there

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_02]: and two

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_02]: how we would manage similar situations going forward

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_02]: I think commenters were mostly right

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_02]: in that my mother-in-law was using what I said

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_02]: as a cudgel to get the upper hand

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know how else to put that in conversations

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_02]: we talked it out and agreed that we would let it go

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_02]: but if she brought it up again

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_02]: or if she tried something similar again

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_02]: we'd present a united front

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_02]: and we'd refuse to engage with her

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_02]: I guess attention seeking behavior

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_02]: again

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_02]: I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_02]: or phrase it

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_02]: well you can probably guess what happened

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_02]: she was on the phone with her mum just catching up

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_02]: and her mum brought up me being gross again

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_02]: wasn't on the call or anything

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_02]: but I could hear her in the other room

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_02]: the context

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_02]: Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mum

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_02]: because her mum would just not let some stuff go

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_02]: she would just keep bringing it up

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_02]: and talking about how bad she felt

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_02]: or why she would do X or Y

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_02]: etc etc

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_02]: honestly I'm so proud of her for what she did

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_02]: she hung the fuck up

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_02]: she said mum we're not gonna talk about that anymore

[00:08:42] [SPEAKER_02]: and then mum we're moving on

[00:08:45] [SPEAKER_02]: and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_02]: I walked into the chair and she had this great little defiant face on

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_02]: like she was proud of herself too

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_02]: I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mum

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_02]: is encouraging her to go forward

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_02]: thanks to the commenters

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_02]: and thanks to the person who gave me the tiktok about my post

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_02]: lol

[00:09:04] [SPEAKER_02]: and someone said in the comments below that one

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_02]: the book is called

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_02]: adult children of emotionally immature parents

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_02]: by Lindsay C Gibson

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_02]: and loads of people highly recommend that book

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_02]: so you know go and search it out

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_02]: if you think it would be useful to you

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm certainly gonna have a listen to it myself

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_02]: but OP I'm proud of your wife at the same time as well

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's like I always say in a lot of these stories

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_02]: from me behind the microphone

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_02]: I know how easy it is for me to say certain things

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_02]: like you know your wife should be set in boundaries etc etc

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_02]: that's an easy thing to say

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_02]: but when you're living it when you've had

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_02]: your life normalized up to that point

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_02]: and you live with this person

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_02]: and they have a certain amount of emotional control over you

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_02]: it's difficult to move past that without people encouraging you

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_02]: almost like deprogramming yourself from their controlling behaviour

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_02]: and that's a huge step in the right direction

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_02]: so I can only wish you both the best

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_02]: and I hope your wife continues to go down that path

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_02]: and set in these boundaries with her mother

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_02]: because she clearly needs him

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_02]: she's clearly got some sort of power thing

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_02]: that she's trying to get over you both

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_02]: but now I'm gonna turn this one to you guys

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_02]: what do you guys make of this situation

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_02]: have you ever dealt with a controlling parent

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_02]: how did you deal with it

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_02]: are you still dealing with it to this day

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_02]: let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_02]: let's move on to another story

[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_02]: and our next story is a bit of an older one

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_02]: it does have an update

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_02]: it's one that we haven't covered before

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_02]: and I saw the title and I was like what

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_02]: it says my 25 male girlfriend 26 female

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_02]: of one and a half years

[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_02]: keeps spreadsheets rating her sex life and relationships

[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_02]: found them while working on a computer

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_02]: don't know if I should tell her or ask

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_02]: to see the previous guy's ratings

[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_02]: my girlfriend and I have been together

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_02]: for about a year and a half

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_02]: she's amazing, intelligent and caring

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_02]: we don't live together but we're considering

[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_02]: moving in together in January when our lease is up

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_02]: we pretty much spend all of our nights together though

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_02]: anyway I spent the night at her place last night

[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_02]: and ended up using her computer for work

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_02]: this morning I needed to email the document

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_02]: I've been working on last night to myself for work

[00:11:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I couldn't remember where I saved it

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_02]: so I just searched the computer for any files with the name

[00:11:21] [SPEAKER_02]: two pop up

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_02]: one is the document I was working on before

[00:11:25] [SPEAKER_02]: and the other is an Excel spreadsheet titled

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_02]: sex and relationships

[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_02]: so it opened it

[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_02]: from what I could tell she's been keeping this spreadsheet

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_02]: since her first relationship, nine years

[00:11:37] [SPEAKER_02]: she has a tab for each sex partner slash relationship

[00:11:40] [SPEAKER_02]: where she notes the dates of sex, rates of sex

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_02]: notes what sex acts and rates of relationship

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_02]: not entirely sure what that means either

[00:11:49] [SPEAKER_02]: it was open on my tab since I'm the most recent

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_02]: I've read all of her sex and relationship ratings

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_02]: and they start out pretty high

[00:11:57] [SPEAKER_02]: I think, don't know the scale

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_02]: but have been getting lower over the past two months

[00:12:02] [SPEAKER_02]: it basically took all of my willpower

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_02]: but I didn't look at the other guys tabs

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_02]: thinking about seeing the other guy's sex acts column

[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_02]: and the rating just makes me sick to my stomach

[00:12:12] [SPEAKER_02]: so I just closed the spreadsheet

[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_02]: emailed myself my work document

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_02]: and went to work

[00:12:17] [SPEAKER_02]: I've been stewing since then though

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm becoming more and more insecure about the sex ratings

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm so tempted to read the other guys ratings

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_02]: but I know that would be wrong

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_02]: as well as self-torture really

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_02]: I already feel kind of shitty for reading even my tab

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_02]: but at the same time

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm kind of offended by the fact that she rates our sex life

[00:12:36] [SPEAKER_02]: and relationship

[00:12:37] [SPEAKER_02]: like it's just a performance you valid work or something

[00:12:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't know

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_02]: obviously something is wrong with our sex life

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_02]: though I need to talk to her about that

[00:12:46] [SPEAKER_02]: but there haven't been any signs of that from my perspective

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_02]: so she's probably going to realise

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_02]: I saw the spreadsheet if I randomly bring it up

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_02]: so what do I do?

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_02]: do I tell her what I saw?

[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_02]: am I overreacting by being a little angry

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_02]: about her rating me and our relationship?

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_02]: also isn't keeping track of your sex life to this extent

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_02]: kind of odd

[00:13:05] [SPEAKER_02]: I haven't seen her since I found the spreadsheet

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_02]: she had already left for work when I saw it

[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_02]: edit the document I emailed myself was my work file

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_02]: not her spreadsheet

[00:13:15] [SPEAKER_02]: I worded it weird

[00:13:47] [SPEAKER_03]: all the information is found on petolo.de

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_03]: slash Dennis

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_02]: so there were some comments with replies from the OP

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_02]: remember koon valley says what?

[00:14:17] [SPEAKER_02]: all the time you had sex

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_02]: I mean I've certainly made lists of past experiences

[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_02]: when looking for patterns

[00:14:23] [SPEAKER_02]: am I dating the same kind of asshole again

[00:14:25] [SPEAKER_02]: but not with a current relationship

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_02]: that's pretty weird

[00:14:29] [SPEAKER_02]: is she a generally mathematical sort of person?

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_02]: good for you not looking at the other tabs

[00:14:34] [SPEAKER_02]: don't

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_02]: no good will come of it

[00:14:37] [SPEAKER_02]: when is the last time the two of you sat down

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_02]: and had a discussion about how things are going

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_02]: do do that with any regularity

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_02]: in one of my previous jobs where I worked in a warehouse

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_02]: and the IT guy would sometimes come down

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_02]: and talk to us and stuff

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_02]: and he would tell us about his spreadsheets

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_02]: and the kind of spreadsheets that he has

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_02]: and he had like loads about his life

[00:14:58] [SPEAKER_02]: he just was obsessed with spreadsheets

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_02]: well maybe not quite obsessed

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_02]: but he had a lot of spreadsheets

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_02]: he almost used it like a bit of a diary

[00:15:06] [SPEAKER_02]: about his health, his exercise

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_02]: his moods

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_02]: he called it his life spreadsheet

[00:15:12] [SPEAKER_02]: his finances, his mortgage

[00:15:14] [SPEAKER_02]: you know pretty much all about his life was in there

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know if he had sex and relationships mind you

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_02]: OP responded to Remember Coon Valley and says yeah

[00:15:22] [SPEAKER_02]: as far as I can tell every time we've had sex

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_02]: also she very much is a mathematical person

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_02]: she has a hard time opening up with emotion sometimes

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_02]: but usually if I initiate a conversation about how she's feeling about something

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_02]: she opens up

[00:15:35] [SPEAKER_02]: last time we had a serious discussion

[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_02]: was when we talked about moving in together

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_02]: that was maybe a month or so ago

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_02]: definitely within the timeframe of

[00:15:43] [SPEAKER_02]: when the sex ratings were already dropping

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_02]: so I don't know what's up

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_02]: why would you want to move in with someone

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_02]: when you feel your sex life is not only poor

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_02]: but getting worse

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_02]: that makes no sense to me

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_02]: edit I meant poor in relation to how she felt

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_02]: in the beginning of our relationship

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_02]: since the ratings were getting lower

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_02]: for something like a month before our conversation

[00:16:02] [SPEAKER_02]: about moving in together

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_02]: a user called spreadsheets4life

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_02]: says whoops

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_02]: you replied at the exact second I decided to put this on a throwaway instead

[00:16:11] [SPEAKER_02]: in case boyfriend finds my username

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_02]: I just quote my old reply below

[00:16:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I guess just in case

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_02]: anyway

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_02]: I think the ratings are a bit cold too

[00:16:21] [SPEAKER_02]: but I can see how they might not feel cold to her

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_02]: after all she doesn't expect anyone else to read them

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_02]: so to her they're just kind of

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_02]: short hand for all the complex thoughts she has about it

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_02]: but doesn't feel like writing down

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_02]: my previous reply

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_02]: for a second I was scared my boyfriend

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_02]: had found my spreadsheet

[00:16:38] [SPEAKER_02]: except I don't do the ratings

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_02]: that just seems cold

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_02]: also difficult to quantify or

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_02]: keep consistent standards for

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_02]: I do keep a color coded spreadsheet of

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_02]: everyone I ever had sex with

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_02]: the dates of when we had sex

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_02]: and sometimes notes on the experience

[00:16:54] [SPEAKER_02]: such as any factors that might have led to it being

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_02]: especially a good one time

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_02]: I also keep spreadsheets of

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_02]: everything I eat on days when I take my Adderall

[00:17:02] [SPEAKER_02]: and when in the day I eat it

[00:17:04] [SPEAKER_02]: how many hours per day I program

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_02]: color coded by project

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_02]: and how long it takes me to complete

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_02]: any one chunk of my project

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_02]: how many social interactions I have per day

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_02]: and who I have them with

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_02]: with automated script to send emails out to

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_02]: schedule meals if I've gone too long

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_02]: without seeing any one of a specific list

[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_02]: of close friends

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_02]: how many milliliters of water I drink

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_02]: over the course of the day and when I drink it

[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_02]: just kind of a personality that likes data

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_02]: if that makes any sense

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_02]: I also fucking love doing my taxes

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_02]: oh gee whiz

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_02]: it's the same kind of impulse

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_02]: that drives some people to journal every day

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_02]: just find it inefficient to write things down

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_02]: in sentences most of the time

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_02]: maybe your girlfriend is the same way

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_02]: and the fact that she keeps the sex ale spreadsheet

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_02]: sex ale doesn't mean anything

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_02]: other than she's perhaps a bit odd

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_02]: and thinks it's funny or interesting

[00:17:53] [SPEAKER_02]: it doesn't seem like she is sharing the spreadsheet with anyone

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_02]: which would be a real issue

[00:17:58] [SPEAKER_02]: what would you do if instead of a spreadsheet

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_02]: a Microsoft Word document containing a diary had popped up

[00:18:04] [SPEAKER_02]: instead with diary entries about her thoughts on your sex life

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_02]: and relationship trajectory

[00:18:08] [SPEAKER_02]: would you still feel offended

[00:18:10] [SPEAKER_02]: that she is journaling her thoughts and feelings in a private place

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_02]: personally I think I would respect their privacy

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_02]: and not read the rest of the spreadsheet

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_02]: and maybe not even tell her that you saw it in the first place

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_02]: she may get angry and embarrassed

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_02]: I'll try to have a general conversation with her about

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_02]: whether there is anything she wants to try and embed

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_02]: to make your sex life even better etc

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_02]: so OP comes in with an update

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_02]: and says I thought I should update you guys

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_02]: thanks for all the advice

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_02]: I decided to tell her about my snooping

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_02]: despite the general consensus

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_02]: being that that would be foolish

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_02]: my reasons for it were

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_02]: 1. I felt bad about snooping

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_02]: 2. I'm terrible at keeping things from people

[00:18:46] [SPEAKER_02]: they would have come out eventually so

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_02]: I thought it was best to do an ASAP

[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_02]: and in a planned and controlled manner

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_02]: 3. I still didn't feel comfortable

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_02]: about the ratings and wanted to understand

[00:18:57] [SPEAKER_02]: why she does it and what it means to her

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_02]: I love her so I understand

[00:19:00] [SPEAKER_02]: how her brain works

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_02]: 4. I wanted to address the sexual issues

[00:19:05] [SPEAKER_02]: in a straightforward manner

[00:19:06] [SPEAKER_02]: I know everyone was recommended I just do it organically

[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_02]: but we did a lot of that

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_02]: in the first few months of our relationship

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_02]: I thought it would just come off as odd

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_02]: if I suddenly started asking if she was ok

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_02]: and enjoying the stuff she's been telling me she prefers

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_02]: for one and a half years

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_02]: and she would definitely ask me why I was concerned

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't want to have to lie

[00:19:25] [SPEAKER_02]: here's how it went

[00:19:26] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't end up talking to her Friday night

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_02]: because she was busy, exercise class with a friend

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_02]: it ended up being a good thing

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_02]: because I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_02]: and like I said, I have a hard time hiding things

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_02]: so she definitely would have known

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_02]: sewing was up

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I just ruminated on the whole thing Friday

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_02]: and finally decided

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_02]: to tell her

[00:19:46] [SPEAKER_02]: so last night I told her the whole story

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_02]: and she knew where it was going pretty much

[00:19:51] [SPEAKER_02]: because she started covering her face

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_02]: when I said I searched for my name

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_02]: when I explained that I only looked at my tab though

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_02]: she was really relieved

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_02]: I apologized for even opening it

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_02]: in the first place

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_02]: but she wasn't really upset about that

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_02]: she said she understood the compulsion once I saw the title

[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_02]: she felt it was different

[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_02]: from someone who goes another way to purposely snoop on their SO

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_02]: and the fact that I told her

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_02]: instead of hiding it, it really helped

[00:20:16] [SPEAKER_02]: she said she was relieved

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't look at the other tabs

[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_02]: because it would have been a much bigger violation of privacy

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_02]: not just her privacy

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_02]: but also the guy's privacy

[00:20:24] [SPEAKER_02]: and definitely would have been an act of jealousy

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_02]: and insecurity rather than curiosity

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_02]: the whole time she was explaining this

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_02]: I was thinking thank god

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't fucking open those other tabs

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_02]: seriously, I'm so fucking happy

[00:20:37] [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't look at those tabs

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_02]: cannot stress this enough

[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_02]: I almost fucked up my relationship a lot

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_02]: anyway, that's for the whole question of

[00:20:45] [SPEAKER_02]: why she keeps track and what the ratings mean

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_02]: spreadsheets for life

[00:20:49] [SPEAKER_02]: who left the comment was spot on

[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_02]: she just really likes keeping track of her own personal data

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_02]: she has spreadsheets for her health

[00:20:55] [SPEAKER_02]: recording her weight, how energetic she feels

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_02]: allergy symptoms, so on

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_02]: and even some completely silly ones like

[00:21:01] [SPEAKER_02]: keeping track of how long her hair is

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_02]: I told her I was worried since I saw

[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_02]: the sex ratings were decreasing

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_02]: in order to know what I should do differently

[00:21:09] [SPEAKER_02]: she said the ratings were about her personal enjoyment

[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_02]: not my performance

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_02]: apparently she's gained a bit of weight over the past couple of months

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_02]: and she felt her own self-image

[00:21:18] [SPEAKER_02]: was keeping her from enjoying sex as much

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_02]: that's why she joined the gym

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_02]: and decided to go through exercise class this week

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_02]: I was totally flabbergasted

[00:21:26] [SPEAKER_02]: by this because I honestly have not noticed the weight gain

[00:21:28] [SPEAKER_02]: I told her that and she was basically like

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_02]: you're sweet but completely oblivious sometimes

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_02]: I made sure to let her know

[00:21:35] [SPEAKER_02]: that I think she's gorgeous and sexy

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_02]: and has no reason to feel badly about her body

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_02]: she said that's all fine and good

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_02]: but this is more about her internal

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_02]: validation than external validation

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_02]: she said this happened before

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_02]: in previous relationships

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_02]: and because of the spreadsheets

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_02]: she was able to figure out the problem and fix it

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_02]: I said I understood but

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_02]: I'd really like if she told me that she wasn't enjoying sex as much

[00:21:57] [SPEAKER_02]: so I could help her

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_02]: she said she hadn't thought to tell me

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_02]: because she was already taking steps to fix it

[00:22:02] [SPEAKER_02]: I asked her to please just tell me anyway

[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_02]: it's not fun to have sex

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_02]: if the other person isn't having fun too

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm actually going to start making healthier foods for the two of us

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_02]: since I suspect the weight gain is probably partially my fault

[00:22:14] [SPEAKER_02]: since I love to cook

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_02]: and I'm always making comfort food

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_02]: all in all, it went way better than I could have expected

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_02]: she doesn't think I'm a horrible sex partner

[00:22:23] [SPEAKER_02]: and I now know I can help our sex life

[00:22:26] [SPEAKER_02]: she was a little concerned about me finding out her spreadsheets though

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_02]: and apparently a previous boyfriend found out

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_02]: and freaked out and told her

[00:22:33] [SPEAKER_02]: she was too cold and robotic

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_02]: I said that I understand why she does it

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_02]: I realised it's not that unlike a diary

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_02]: thank you to the people who made this comparison in the original thread

[00:22:44] [SPEAKER_02]: it really helped me

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_02]: she was very happy to hear that

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_02]: sorry this update took so long

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_02]: it was a busy weekend

[00:22:50] [SPEAKER_02]: and my girlfriend had some data

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_02]: she needed help gathering

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_02]: and there was a mix of comments below that one

[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_02]: some saying you know

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_02]: communication wins the day

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_02]: and talking and moving forward was the right way

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_02]: other people saying

[00:23:03] [SPEAKER_02]: they would struggle after that

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_02]: and saying you know keeping that kind of data is weird

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_02]: others again saying you know it's just like a diary

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_02]: it's just a different form of it

[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_02]: and that he shouldn't have seen it in the first place

[00:23:17] [SPEAKER_02]: now what do you guys make of this situation

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_02]: let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_02]: now just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_02]: for getting involved in today's stories

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_02]: your love, your support, your time

[00:23:30] [SPEAKER_02]: always means the absolute world to me

[00:23:32] [SPEAKER_02]: so thank you so so much for being involved

[00:23:34] [SPEAKER_02]: and hopefully I'll see you in the next one

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_02]: take care and much love

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