My Mom Is Offering My Money As A Contribution To Another Family Members Wedding r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Öko? Strom! Erd? Gas! Zu? Mir? Zu uns? Zu zuverlässig! Sachsen? Energie! Hier kommen Sachsen und Energie zusammen. Ob Strom oder Erdgas, wir bringen Energie jetzt auch zu dir. Regional und zuverlässig. Mehr Infos unter SachsenEnergie.de. SachsenEnergie, die Kraft, die uns verbindet.

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[00:00:44] Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys!

[00:00:49] Now today's first story comes from the True Off My Chest subreddit from Netcuriosity who says,

[00:00:54] Guilted into contributing to a family members wedding and I feel upset.

[00:00:59] So basically, as the title says, I'm being guilted to help pay for a family member's

[00:01:05] wedding and I can't help but feel upset.

[00:01:09] My family is of the mindset that family helps family, and although objectively, I have a

[00:01:14] better paying job, so I seem better off.

[00:01:17] They also have more financial obligations, student loans, car, home, miscellaneous expenses

[00:01:23] for other family members.

[00:01:25] I recently got a promotion and I thought if I saved frugally, I could pay off my student

[00:01:30] loans this year and have some nice savings in the next year or so for a new home as my

[00:01:35] family is growing.

[00:01:37] Out of the blue, we have a family member getting married, and although I'm happy for them,

[00:01:42] my mum told me she already made a promise that I will help financially.

[00:01:46] I have already provided $10,000 and I will be expected to provide more soon.

[00:01:51] I feel upset and I feel like trash.

[00:01:54] I know this makes me seem like a doormat and I promise I'm usually not like this, but what

[00:01:59] else can I do when I get told that they don't have anyone else to go to besides me, and that

[00:02:04] finally things are looking up for them and things will get better and that our family finally

[00:02:09] has some good news to be happy about.

[00:02:12] I know I could have pushed back and said no, but I would have felt bad about it and I would

[00:02:17] not have felt happy that my one decision led to more problems for more people.

[00:02:22] I tried placating myself that it's okay, they are family and I love them and they pay me

[00:02:27] back so it's okay.

[00:02:29] But I can't stop feeling that because someone else wants to do things beyond their means,

[00:02:34] I have to be financially liable for their decisions.

[00:02:37] I was finally on my way to financial freedom and now I have to start again from zero.

[00:02:43] And the costs for the wedding that I have to bear are not going to end here, which makes

[00:02:48] me even more upset.

[00:02:50] I just wanted to get this off my chest since I can't really tell anyone else about it without

[00:02:54] being seen as a prick or something.

[00:02:57] Basically, mate, now is the time you need to say no, you need to start putting those boundaries

[00:03:02] in place or this will just keep continuing time and time again.

[00:03:07] I'm trying to think of it from the other person's point of view, OP's mum who's like offered OP's

[00:03:13] money for someone else's wedding.

[00:03:15] That shit is wild.

[00:03:17] And sometimes you just need to be blunt with people, you know, what's going to happen in

[00:03:22] the end when you say no to them?

[00:03:23] They could get angry, but is that a you problem?

[00:03:28] No, it's not.

[00:03:29] This is down to them, their entitlement towards your money, which is just ridiculous.

[00:03:35] So tell them no.

[00:03:37] In the comments, NoNarwell says you shouldn't start something you aren't going to continue

[00:03:42] doing.

[00:03:42] Guess what?

[00:03:43] You are now the person to bankroll everyone else's wedding.

[00:03:46] You need to start placing the boundary now.

[00:03:49] No more money is coming.

[00:03:51] That is it.

[00:03:51] Otherwise, they will keep coming with their hands out.

[00:03:54] You may ruffle feathers because of this, but they aren't entitled to your money.

[00:03:59] Tango Callor says, I don't even want to pay for a wedding for myself.

[00:04:03] No way in hell I'll pay for someone else's.

[00:04:06] I'm sorry, but you're a dummy for letting your family walk all over you.

[00:04:09] And I'm telling you this as someone who belongs to a culture where family is a big thing and

[00:04:14] we're expected to help each other.

[00:04:15] A wedding is a stupid thing to spend money on if you can't pay for it yourself.

[00:04:20] If your mom promised someone money, she can pay for it out of her own pocket.

[00:04:24] If they can't understand why it's wrong, then I would unfamily them.

[00:04:29] Am I here or there says, what else can you do?

[00:04:31] Are you serious?

[00:04:33] You're an adult.

[00:04:34] If you say no, guess what?

[00:04:36] Nothing happens to you.

[00:04:37] If your family flips their shit over it, that's their problem.

[00:04:40] You don't have to pay for shit.

[00:04:43] And for the love of Pete, stop giving people details on your life.

[00:04:47] If you're an adult, start acting like it.

[00:04:49] You don't have to give money to anyone unless you owe them or it's genuinely a gift and not

[00:04:54] a demand.

[00:04:55] I'd rather be homeless than ever offer my son's money to someone else.

[00:05:00] The audacity of your mother to give away your money is sickening.

[00:05:04] Or keep setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.

[00:05:06] They'll never repay you and only ask you for things you can give them.

[00:05:11] Either grow a spine or lay flatter.

[00:05:15] Always be Batman says to the OP, how does your family know that you have that kind of money?

[00:05:20] If they can't afford the wedding, they need to cut things out to meet their budget.

[00:05:25] OP says, my parents know about my promotion and although they don't know exactly how much

[00:05:30] money I have, they're known to make assumptions.

[00:05:32] If I ever tell them that I don't have that kind of money, they start questioning me and

[00:05:37] make lots of assumptions and guilt me by saying things like, I thought we could depend on you

[00:05:42] and so on.

[00:05:43] I 100% agree that they need to cut things to meet their budget.

[00:05:47] But what concerns I have voiced fell on deaf ears.

[00:05:50] It's the whole family weddings are just like this debacle.

[00:05:54] OP came into the post two weeks later.

[00:05:57] I said, I don't think anyone cares to read this, but posting it more as a reminder to

[00:06:02] myself to stick firm to my decision.

[00:06:04] A few other things have happened between my original post and now, and I went low contact

[00:06:09] with my parents and no contact with my cousin and the rest of the family.

[00:06:13] I tried to explain to them why I can't keep funding the wedding and other major milestones,

[00:06:17] and they would not understand.

[00:06:20] This was just the tip of the iceberg for me and I didn't realize it fully until I started

[00:06:24] talking.

[00:06:25] I ended up talking about how they made me feel over the years, how they essentially

[00:06:29] bullied me over my weight and looks from a young age.

[00:06:33] A 10 year old does not need to be told that she needs to be skinny because guys like skinny

[00:06:37] women.

[00:06:37] If I'm not skinny, I won't find a guy to marry me.

[00:06:41] Mind you, sure, I was a bit chubby, but still pretty normal for a 10 year old.

[00:06:46] Due to nearly 20 years of eating disorders, how they never celebrated my accomplishments

[00:06:51] like they did for my siblings or other cousins.

[00:06:54] How they put so many restrictions on me from a young age, but my siblings and cousins could

[00:06:59] do whatever they wanted, etc.

[00:07:01] The more I talked about it, the more I realized that they can't take advantage of me, my money,

[00:07:06] time and energy when it's convenient for them.

[00:07:09] And they won't even reciprocate with basic understanding.

[00:07:12] I was done with the BS about family and culture and whatnot.

[00:07:16] So yeah, I ended up blocking my extended family, going low contact with my parents, and my parents

[00:07:22] were in charge of collecting the money from the relatives and paying it back to me.

[00:07:25] And I'm glad that OP was finally able to stand up for themselves, put their boundaries in

[00:07:31] place and realize what was going on in their family life was just not normal.

[00:07:36] And like I always say, I know it's easy for us, especially me behind a microphone to say,

[00:07:42] you know, walk away, put your boundaries up, etc.

[00:07:46] But when you've been normalized for this kind of behavior for such a long time, this is

[00:07:51] your normal growing up.

[00:07:52] You know, you've lived with these parents all your life.

[00:07:54] This behavior towards you is normal.

[00:07:56] It's got to be hard to break that cycle.

[00:07:59] But I am glad that OP has done it.

[00:08:01] So well done, OP.

[00:08:03] And now what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:08:06] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:08:09] Let's move on to another story.

[00:08:12] Now, our next story comes from the true off my chest subreddit and says,

[00:08:16] I'm planning to elope because my parents are trying to make me agree

[00:08:19] letting my sister's boyfriend propose to my sisters.

[00:08:24] Maybe this is the wrong place, but I'm going

[00:08:26] to explode with rage and disappointment at my family.

[00:08:30] My baby sister is the golden child.

[00:08:33] Or maybe that's unfair to say.

[00:08:35] She survived cancer when she was a child.

[00:08:37] It was the darkest period of my parents' life.

[00:08:40] I don't remember much of it because my parents shielded me from the horrific truth.

[00:08:45] I knew she was sick and I remember all my childhood spent in hospitals.

[00:08:49] But never did I know that my sister almost died until many, many years later.

[00:08:54] I was 12 and she was 10.

[00:08:56] After she beat her sickness, she became the obvious favorite in the house.

[00:09:00] She got everything she wanted and sometimes it was at my expense.

[00:09:04] I resented that, but I always heard that I was a naughty girl for being jealous of my hero sister.

[00:09:10] My sister grew up to be a brat.

[00:09:12] Now, 20 years later, she's still bratty, although we get along a lot better than when we were teenagers slash young adults.

[00:09:20] My wedding is in July.

[00:09:22] Neither my fiancé nor I have the money for a big wedding.

[00:09:25] We settled for a small wedding.

[00:09:27] 30 people had my fiancé's grandparents who have a beautiful house with a lake view.

[00:09:33] My parents, when they heard this, said no way and offered to pay for a bigger wedding and better venue.

[00:09:39] We didn't agree at first, but later we did not want to disappoint them.

[00:09:43] It seemed like it was important to them.

[00:09:46] Last week, my mom invited me over.

[00:09:48] My dad, mom, and my sister's boyfriend asked me what I think if my sister's boyfriend proposed to my sisters during the wedding.

[00:09:55] That becomes an engagement party as well as a wedding.

[00:09:59] Mom has sent reels on Instagram about people proposing to maid of honors and bridesmaids and thought it was cute.

[00:10:05] My sister is my maid of honor.

[00:10:07] I said no, asked ridiculous and laughed.

[00:10:11] My mom was livid.

[00:10:13] She told me I was selfish and ungrateful and accused her of favoritism.

[00:10:18] I told her I always thought it was odd that you'd pay for my wedding, but now I know the reason why.

[00:10:23] She started crying and kicked me out of the house.

[00:10:26] Later, both she and my future brother-in-law sent me texts warning me from exposing their plan to my sister.

[00:10:32] My fiancé was disappointed but not sure what we could do.

[00:10:36] My parents have spent almost 30k and it's too late to cancel.

[00:10:41] My mother called me today to plan the proposal and I begged her not to ruin my day.

[00:10:46] She told me since she was paying, she can make requests and that I should let go of my jealousy and resentment towards my sister because she's innocent in all of this.

[00:10:55] But the thing is, this day will be about my sister.

[00:10:58] I told my fiancé to ask her grandparents if they're still willing to host my wedding.

[00:11:03] If they are, I'll revert to our original plan.

[00:11:06] If not, I will just elope.

[00:11:09] Not sure yet if I'm going to tell my family and cancel the wedding or just let them have their grand proposal party.

[00:11:15] None of my family is invited to my wedding, including my sister.

[00:11:20] Thank you for listening.

[00:11:26] Öko?

[00:11:26] Strom!

[00:11:27] Erd?

[00:11:28] Gas!

[00:11:29] Zu?

[00:11:30] Mir?

[00:11:30] Zu uns?

[00:11:32] Zu zuverlässig!

[00:11:34] Sachsen?

[00:11:35] Energie!

[00:11:36] Hier kommen Sachsen und Energie zusammen.

[00:11:39] Ob Strom oder Erdgas, wir bringen Energie jetzt auch zu dir.

[00:11:42] Regional und zuverlässig.

[00:11:44] Mehr Infos unter SachsenEnergie.de

[00:11:46] SachsenEnergie, die Kraft, die uns verbindet.

[00:11:49] I think it's great that your sister survived cancer, but the way you've been treated after that is just completely sad.

[00:12:00] It sounds like you've been put at the back your whole life.

[00:12:03] And there's this one day that's meant to be about you and that's being taken over as well by your parents,

[00:12:09] who's paid for your wedding, but it's coming at a cost.

[00:12:13] So I wouldn't blame you for eloping or reverting to your very first plan.

[00:12:18] But I just want to say that I'm sorry that you're having to go through this in the first place.

[00:12:24] Incredibly sad that family is treating you like this.

[00:12:28] Priogenic X says,

[00:12:29] Uninvite them.

[00:12:30] Go do the wedding at the grandparents' house and let your sisters and parents have a 30k engagement party.

[00:12:36] Great that your sister survived cancer, but your parents put you on a back burner your whole life.

[00:12:41] Now it's your turn to enjoy it.

[00:12:43] Do what's best for you.

[00:12:46] Dubs and 49ers says,

[00:12:48] That's messed up.

[00:12:49] And you were right.

[00:12:50] This was all pre-planned.

[00:12:51] If you do have it at fiancé's grandparents, will you invite your family?

[00:12:56] Seems they can't stand you to be the center of attention.

[00:12:59] Even on a day, you should be.

[00:13:03] Inquisitive Pilgrim says,

[00:13:04] Lots of comments seem to delight in the ways you can cause maximum pain to those who've offended you.

[00:13:10] Mostly I want to say how sad I am that instead of looking forward to what should be a wonderful day for you and your future husband,

[00:13:16] that you're finding yourself having to do damage control and grieve broken relationships.

[00:13:21] I don't have any idea as to how you can fix this.

[00:13:24] The only thing that I do suggest is that you do your best to come out of this being able to feel good about your choices.

[00:13:31] What you say, what you do.

[00:13:32] You don't have to make your family happy or do what they want.

[00:13:36] You're not required to have an ongoing relationship with them.

[00:13:40] You do have to live with yourself through the years.

[00:13:42] Do things in a way that makes you proud of you.

[00:13:45] And one final comment which says,

[00:13:47] I remember attending a wedding where one of the cousins came up after the best man's speech and asked for the mic.

[00:13:53] He then called up his girlfriend to the dance floor in front of the bride and groom's table,

[00:13:57] got down on one knee and proposed.

[00:14:00] It did not go over well with any of the bride's family, for obvious reasons.

[00:14:04] It was a dick move.

[00:14:06] The only thing that topped that for drama in that family was when another cousin confronted two of her male relatives

[00:14:11] for molesting her when she was a young teen.

[00:14:14] They were four and five years older at the wedding.

[00:14:18] Ironically, it was at the wedding of the couple that got engaged in paragraph one.

[00:14:22] The confrontation happened in the bar rather than on the dance floor.

[00:14:25] It literally tore that family apart.

[00:14:27] It didn't go over well with the bride and groom either.

[00:14:29] I was dating another cousin and we broke up soon after.

[00:14:33] But it was pretty fucking heated in the bar that night.

[00:14:37] So sometime later, OP came in with their update and said,

[00:14:42] I really want to thank everyone that showed me support.

[00:14:45] I'm now happily married in Como, Italy for my honeymoon.

[00:14:49] I tried to stay away from my phone, but I was so curious to see my family's reaction to my elopement a week earlier than planned.

[00:14:56] It was really ugly.

[00:14:58] I must start with saying I really tried my best to negotiate and compromise with my family

[00:15:03] and truly explain that this was hurting me.

[00:15:05] I have nothing against my sister and to be honest, nothing against her getting engaged on my wedding.

[00:15:10] But the principle that it was made very clear to me that absolutely no opinion or say in what was going to happen

[00:15:18] on what's supposed to be my special day was where I drew the line.

[00:15:21] It wasn't a wish or a request.

[00:15:24] It was a matter of fact and it was decided.

[00:15:26] So I told my mom that I'm not going to attend the party she's paid for.

[00:15:31] Maybe they should just make it an engagement party instead.

[00:15:34] She got very upset and told me that the engagement was supposed to be a surprise.

[00:15:38] I told her that I was just giving her a heads up since she's about to lose an insane amount of money.

[00:15:44] She didn't take me seriously.

[00:15:46] Like I wasn't going to cancel my wedding because of a trivial thing.

[00:15:50] What she didn't know is that I've already made plans to get married a week earlier at my grandparents' in-law.

[00:15:55] We invited our closest friends and some even had to book earlier flights and take more vacation days.

[00:16:01] For these people, I was extra grateful.

[00:16:04] What was left was my sister.

[00:16:07] I've been back and forth arguing and negotiating with my parents and future brother-in-law.

[00:16:12] I decided that even if this would ruin her surprise, I had to tell her.

[00:16:17] So I did.

[00:16:18] She wasn't really happy with my mom but she was more upset that I ruined her surprise and she, as I expected,

[00:16:24] thought I could have just sucked it up and gone with the flow.

[00:16:28] I didn't tell her about my new wedding date.

[00:16:30] The wedding was dreamlike.

[00:16:33] In the back of my head, I was hurt the people who loved me the most weren't there but I pushed that thought away

[00:16:39] and refused to let it ruin our day.

[00:16:42] My husband was amazing.

[00:16:44] He promised to make me happy for the rest of my life and to make up for every heartbreak I've experienced in my past.

[00:16:50] My in-laws surprised us with upgrading our honeymoon to a five-star hotel.

[00:16:55] Had my friends and some cousins and my favorite aunt attending.

[00:16:59] We asked them not to live stream or upload any pictures to social media until we're already on our honeymoon.

[00:17:05] We also asked them to not engage in any altercations online with my family.

[00:17:10] Today, my mom made a long Facebook, Twitter and Instagram post bashing me and my husband.

[00:17:15] She called me ungrateful and disrespectful with pictures of my wedding.

[00:17:20] Telling people I've cost her a big chunk of her savings and now she's demanding compensation.

[00:17:26] Her Facebook post was shared about 200 times and the majority of my extended family is angry with me.

[00:17:32] She never once tried to contact me.

[00:17:34] I really thought she would bombard my phone.

[00:17:37] Instead, both her and my dad announced that they're cutting me off and are expecting compensation.

[00:17:42] My future brother-in-law commented that I ruined his surprise and my sister made a post about being tired of jealous bees and haters.

[00:17:49] None of the people we invited has commented, even though some of them were directly attacked.

[00:17:54] So, they respected our wishes.

[00:17:57] I don't know if they're going to go ahead and turn the wedding into an engagement party now.

[00:18:01] I really hope they do so that the money isn't wasted.

[00:18:04] It's on Saturday.

[00:18:06] I'm sorry the update got too long, but the amount of people are asking for an update.

[00:18:10] I hope this is what you wanted.

[00:18:12] P.S.

[00:18:13] English isn't my native language and it's too long of a post for proofreading, especially when it's written on my iPhone.

[00:18:20] And there was a comment from OP on if they had a party.

[00:18:24] It said,

[00:18:43] Can't believe the absolute audacity of the mum after this, asking for compensation after trying to take over OP's wedding day in that way.

[00:18:55] It's so bizarre.

[00:18:57] But the top comment on this one said,

[00:18:59] Congratulations.

[00:19:00] I'm so happy that you didn't go through with your mother's plan to steal your big day and that it was so happy.

[00:19:06] As a fellow child of narcissistic parents, I can tell you that trying to explain your side is a useless exercise.

[00:19:13] So do not waste the energy, especially on your honeymoon.

[00:19:16] Stay unreachable until you get back.

[00:19:19] I hate to say it, but the plan was to try and ruin your big day.

[00:19:22] So now she's going to try and ruin your honeymoon.

[00:19:24] Especially since she was dealt such a large narcissistic injury.

[00:19:28] Don't engage, just enjoy yourself.

[00:19:31] You deserve it, especially after being so strong.

[00:19:34] The people who want to hear your side of the story will come to you.

[00:19:37] And there's no way that engagement party can go forward without at least pieces of the truth coming out that will make some of them cringe.

[00:19:44] It can hurt when people you like don't end up on your side.

[00:19:47] But remember that most people will side with a person they have the more direct relationship with.

[00:19:53] Say for example, your uncle will side with your mother because she is a sister.

[00:19:57] And that has no bearing on whether or not you were right.

[00:20:01] They know that siding with you means severing that relationship because they know she's a narcissist.

[00:20:06] All the best wishes for happiness in your new life.

[00:20:09] You gained an amazing family along with your husband who will take care of you for many years to come.

[00:20:14] I always do wonder what extended family members have been told about this situation.

[00:20:20] Because, you know, if someone came up to me and told me this story about how they're trying to railroad their daughter to let someone else propose at their wedding.

[00:20:30] I'd be like, that's not right.

[00:20:33] So, I can't help but wonder if everyone else is hearing the actual truth of the situation.

[00:20:38] Maybe they are.

[00:20:40] Maybe they're all assholes, right?

[00:20:41] But, and I'm not suggesting that OP do this.

[00:20:44] But part of me, myself, like, would want to know that.

[00:20:48] I'd want to ask, what have you heard about this?

[00:20:50] And do you think that's right?

[00:20:52] Just for my peace of mind, you know.

[00:20:54] Because I find that absolutely bizarre.

[00:20:57] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:04] And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:08] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:11] So, thank you so, so much.

[00:21:13] And hopefully, I'll see you in the next one.

[00:21:15] Take care and much love.

[00:21:35] Take care.

[00:21:39] Take care.

[00:21:41] Take care.

[00:21:44] Amen.