My Millionaire Husband Makes Me Pay For Everything Due To His Past Trauma r/Relationships

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Hey Waffle Gang I hope you're well, my name is Mark and today we're checking out some more

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[00:00:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Let's crack on with today's first story.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Today's first story is one you may have heard on other channels before but now has a final

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_01]: update as well so there's always timestamps that are going to be down in the description

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and along the timeline below so feel free to skip ahead if you want to etc.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_01]: This story is from expensive pangolin60 who says, would I be the arsehole for calling

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01]: off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal.

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I 31 female struggle with my fiancé's 32 male frugleness.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Not sure if I want to marry him anymore after a 3 year relationship.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm far away as my fiancé follows my regular account.

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I met my fiancé 3 years ago.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_01]: He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_01]: One of her absolute abuses was financial.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: She bled him dry, made him by expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_01]: argument.

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Designed shoes, clothes, big house, cars, Caribbean trips, you name it she made him

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_01]: pay for it.

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_01]: She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: However, my fiancé is very well off.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_01]: He makes far over 6 figures, almost 7.

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_01]: On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: him and his siblings also a few cool millions.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: So yes, the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01]: He has more money than he will ever need.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_01]: So last year I moved into his house.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I pay for my own clothes and jewelry.

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I have a good job and I can take care of myself.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_01]: However, things have been taken a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_01]: His house was empty when I moved in.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_01]: He had hand-me-down furniture, maybe 3 forks and 2 knives.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_01]: He would not put on the heating until the house felt cold and moldy.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_01]: There is no curtains, no decorations.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: His ex took everything not bolted down and it was too cheap to replace it.

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Just imagine a million dollar house like that.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_01]: I am grateful that I can live in his house.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: It is something I could never afford myself but I did not want to live in squalor.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_01]: So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture but at some point I realized I was dipping in

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_01]: my savings all the time and he did nothing.

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I looked into curtains but buying those things are expensive.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_01]: His house has so many windows it is crazy.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I did not want to pay for this anymore.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_01]: He blew up at me that I was with him for his money.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I pointed out all the money I spent on his house, the gifts and the trips because

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_01]: he pays for nothing ever.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_01]: The fact is if we break up I have nothing.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: The house is not mine.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_01]: If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I cannot help but feel used.

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Next to that I am jealous of his ex-wife.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like she got treated and I am neglected.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a $10,000 white gold diamond ring.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I got the rhodium-plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like $100.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: The proposal was that a picnic in the park I organized,

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: paid groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I almost said no out of pure disappointment.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a gold digger.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to be funding a millionaire's lifestyle.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_01]: He loves everything as long as I pay for it.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_01]: As soon as he has to pay for it is frivolous or unnecessary.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I can live like a poor person by myself.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_01]: At least the fact that there are literal millions lying around

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: doesn't hang over me to bum me out and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Would I be the asshole calling off the wedding purely for financial reasons?

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Because I love this man but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: with his ex and her extravaganza.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Will our future kids be able to have some luxuries or only if I pay for it?

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_01]: What if I ever become a stay at home mum?

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Will I have to beg to put the heating on?

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Edited to answer some questions I see a lot.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I know the abuse is not made up.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_01]: His family and friends told me separate stories of the abuse they witnessed.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma was outside

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_01]: this right after she was widowed.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Pretending she was gifted these things even though everyone knew grandma hated her guts.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I did not realise or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: and he is subconsciously punishing me for what was done to him.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_01]: He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_01]: because he was depressed after his wife took everything.

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Even the curtains.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: But it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: He just didn't know where to start.

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_01]: His house is paid off thanks to granddad.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_01]: He isn't actually spending much on utilities either.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: House is very well isolated and has solar panels.

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_01]: It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not asking for designer furniture.

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I care all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself.

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm actually pretty thrifty.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I see where my jealousy over the ex and her lifestyle might have triggered some people.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_01]: Let me explain.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_01]: A $10,000 ring is insane and stupid to me.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't need an over the top wedding.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: However, it almost feels like for her he did effort.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Wanted to give her what made her happy but effort and thought into it.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_01]: With me, it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_01]: He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actual financially

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_01]: struggling cousin.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_01]: He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: struggling cousin and her wedding.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: And I already feel embarrassed about the family.

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_01]: I would have been to both.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel like the discount wife.

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't like to say but it feels like he gets off on it to some extent.

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_01]: We're almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I did discuss selling the mansion.

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I really don't need and to move to a more modest house.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't want to do that.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_01]: He loves this house.

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway.

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_01]: And so many large windows.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: And talk to him yet but all on the marriage and counseling is a must.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm already looking for counseling because I realized I might indeed be too much of a

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_01]: people pleaser allowing him to control me with a ghost of his ex.

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I am going to separate for a while.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I am looking to rent for a few months so I can get some space.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for your insights.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_01]: So senior days said to OP they said not the asshole and says say I understand you've

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_01]: had some trauma in your past and I'm sorry you went through that but I can't allow you

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: to mistreat me because of it.

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_01]: It burns me up inside that you gave that everything I have to beg for the bare minimum.

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I deserve to feel cherished by my partner as I have cherished you.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: OP said that hit me right in the feels.

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Moth Girl replies saying I'm not with you because the money you have and

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_01]: if you can't trust that then that's something you need to work on.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains and basic decency just approved you that

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not a financial abuser like your ex.

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_01]: It feels as if you're projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_01]: His way of coping is extremely unhealthy but he should be doing his talking to a therapist

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01]: about how he can communicate his needs to you not shutting you out and behaving the

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_01]: complete opposite of how he did with his ex.

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_01]: He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money.

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Sure he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_01]: live in isn't the same as his ex demanding to take her on a cruise.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_01]: He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_01]: things you benefit from and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_01]: He has no desire to take that from him.

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_01]: So four days later OP came in with their update and said okay I hope this update

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_01]: makes sense because I'm very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll read it you changed my life.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for all your ideas and insights.

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly I don't think I'd have had the courage to do what I did without you guys.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I went to therapy took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down.

[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected.

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I am a people pleaser.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to save him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I will have weekly sessions to work on me.

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_01]: even though I made more than them.

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_01]: The idea I had to prove myself worthy to be with a millionaire

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_01]: not being there for the money got into my head pretty early.

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I called one of his siblings I'm pretty close with and just told her everything.

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_01]: She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me.

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_01]: She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I was out of his league.

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_01]: He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and probably just thought it must be my money.

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_01]: She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better.

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_01]: She was furious about the proposal.

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_01]: This information confused me a little.

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_01]: It was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_01]: but she thought it was none of her business.

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_01]: She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances.

[00:09:48] [SPEAKER_01]: He also doesn't have as much as her.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I took the opportunity to pack a bag.

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I haven't found a place yet but I'm going to stay with my parents.

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I made up my mind that I will at least want six months apart to get myself in order.

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I made sure my stuff was in the car because

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I honestly have no idea how the conversation will go.

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_01]: So into the most difficult part.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_01]: The talk.

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I waited for him to come home.

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_01]: He was pretty late but I didn't want to sleep another night on this.

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I had written down what I wanted to say.

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I've never been so scared before.

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't know how he would react.

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I took some advice from here.

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I opened that I was moving out and I wanted to pause our engagement.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_01]: It was very quiet and just sat down.

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him he really hurt me by calling me a gold digger

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and that I'm done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things.

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected.

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I also told him that after three years of me showing up for him

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_01]: if he still doesn't think I'm here for him it is not going to happen.

[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_01]: He was just quiet.

[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_01]: He didn't say anything.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Punishing me for her sins was abusive.

[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and started to feel like she was worth more than me.

[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_01]: One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness.

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_01]: They would do nice things for her but it was never enough.

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_01]: The thing is he doesn't do nice things for me

[00:11:17] [SPEAKER_01]: but I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.

[00:11:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him he was not ready for marriage that I dreaded having kids with him and live like this

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_01]: but I didn't trust he would take care of me if I became a stay at home mom

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and at that point I just called him abusive and a user.

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud losing my composure and scripted a little bit.

[00:11:40] [SPEAKER_01]: He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave.

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Only when I got up he said please don't go.

[00:11:49] [SPEAKER_01]: He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it off.

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_01]: He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I wanted out of this house.

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I honestly don't want to live in his ex's palace of sadness anymore

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and he did him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy.

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I needed a separation.

[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into individual counseling.

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_01]: He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it.

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I just told him to think about it and I left him.

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_01]: He was finally showing some emotions.

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_01]: He was crying at this point.

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_01]: He sent me a very long text somewhere in the morning.

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Told me that he was a wreck and couldn't sleep.

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He made all kinds of promises.

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_01]: He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one

[00:12:35] [SPEAKER_01]: and make sure I'm taking care of whatever happens.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_01]: He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home.

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_01]: He again asked me to please come home but to me it doesn't feel like home there anyway.

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel very empty and tired.

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been sleeping most of the day.

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.

[00:12:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I actually want back if he does all that.

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, I'm a little unsteady right now.

[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I need some time to process.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I will go back for the kitchen supplies in my TV.

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I won't take anything else to the furniture.

[00:13:07] [SPEAKER_01]: This is for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything.

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_01]: This house is huge so the couch is huge.

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Can't take it.

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_03]: And now what you really want.

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_01]: One month later OP comes in with a second update and says hi everyone.

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Let me just say I'm overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates.

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other.

[00:14:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Though as I said I left, I'm looking for an apartment I can afford.

[00:14:07] [SPEAKER_01]: My parents are helping out.

[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm living with them and saving up.

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not closing all doors but as for now we're broken up.

[00:14:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I have no contact.

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_01]: The first week he transferred a large amount to my account.

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_01]: It really rubbed me the wrong way.

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Just showed that he still thought that money was what kept me here.

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I deducted the couch I had left and transferred everything back I asked for.

[00:14:29] [SPEAKER_01]: And I ask for no contact after this.

[00:14:31] [SPEAKER_01]: He's been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment.

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel guilty for my needs but wanting to be taken out every once in a while.

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_01]: The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse.

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I have an auto-immunity problem in the cold house caused it to flare up.

[00:14:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Even after that he kept turning the heat down.

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01]: He rather had me miserable than pay what?

[00:14:51] [SPEAKER_01]: $100 extra in the end of the year.

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_01]: The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market.

[00:14:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I've seen the ads and so happy is going through with that.

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I heard from his sister that he's in therapy.

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy for that and I hope he keeps that up.

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_01]: He's keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change.

[00:15:09] [SPEAKER_01]: And even then I really don't know.

[00:15:12] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm building my own life by myself.

[00:15:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Thinking about getting a puppy.

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I give him another shot.

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_01]: That's to start all from scratch.

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to start dating again and take it slow.

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Therapy is a really good idea.

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser.

[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Savior wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself.

[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Never again.

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_01]: So that is all there is to say really.

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_01]: So girl with a dragon tattoo says best of luck.

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Please never forget your worth again.

[00:15:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Because others will shortchange you if so.

[00:15:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Opie says true.

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me.

[00:15:49] [SPEAKER_01]: The red flags were there so early.

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life.

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Summerflip says my question is did you previously communicate your feelings

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01]: before just ending it?

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Did you wait until you stopped loving him?

[00:16:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Opie says I did multiple times.

[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Had a few breakdowns where I told him I was unhappy,

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_01]: especially when my autoimmune disease just kicked into high gear.

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I told him I was done being cold.

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Then the discussion started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_01]: was okay with.

[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_01]: It was still turning down behind my back.

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_01]: The curtains were just the last straw for me.

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_01]: He was giddy and happy about all the other changes I made to his home

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_01]: with my money.

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right?

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I'd done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me.

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_01]: What kind of gold digger pays for everything for three years?

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_01]: If I was one, I was really bad at it.

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_01]: So yes, I communicated over and over and nothing changed.

[00:16:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now,

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_01]: but honestly, I think it's a little too late.

[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to shut the door completely,

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_01]: but I will never be cold in my life ever again.

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_01]: So three months after, Opie comes in with another update

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_01]: and says thank you everyone for reaching out to me.

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I've closed in on a little apartment for myself.

[00:17:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I got a puppy.

[00:17:06] [SPEAKER_01]: After being in a home where I was truly loved,

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_01]: my parents realized how sad, cold and alone I have been.

[00:17:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Over time, I went blind for a lot of things,

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_01]: blind to a comfortable home temperature,

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_01]: comfortable with thinking about every penny spent,

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_01]: feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_01]: that was finally on sale,

[00:17:25] [SPEAKER_01]: feeling entitled for wanting date nights,

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_01]: being treated sometimes.

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I started to think about what makes me happy.

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant,

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_01]: throw dinner parties, entertain people,

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_01]: think about Christmas gifts six months in advance,

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_01]: have a cozy house and I realized just how much

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_01]: he'd taken from me with that one little sentence.

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Is that really necessary?

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Is anything ever?

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_01]: If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV,

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_01]: you are there right?

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Is travel necessary?

[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Is having nice clothes necessary?

[00:17:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Is a shower necessary?

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: A haircut, a party, a hobby, a wedding?

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_01]: No.

[00:18:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people.

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_01]: He is broken and his trauma have no time and energy for.

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_01]: He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser.

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I know he's in therapy and we initially agreed on six months

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_01]: no to low contact, but I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and I didn't want to keep him dangling.

[00:18:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Breaking up with him was very hard and made me very sad.

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I never wanted to hurt him and I love this man very deeply.

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted us to be each other's happy ever after.

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_01]: We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together.

[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_01]: His family told me I was the one.

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_01]: I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky.

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_01]: But we only have one life and there's so much work to do

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_01]: before he even becomes the bare minimum of what I needed.

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel failed, like my story has a bad ending.

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I feel very broken and sad.

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I will take my time to just be me.

[00:19:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope he does the same.

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy.

[00:19:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Mostly I hope that for myself, but for now I'm happy enough by myself with the papa.

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you all for your time and support.

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to have a little cry in some fur babies fluffy fur.

[00:19:17] [SPEAKER_01]: No the cat says this is so far from a bad ending.

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_01]: A bad ending would be staying until nothing was left of you.

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_01]: A bad ending would have been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck.

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_01]: You put yourself first and that will always be good.

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_01]: And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Opie says I think you're spot on.

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_01]: He said these things himself.

[00:19:41] [SPEAKER_01]: He didn't know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving.

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_01]: He told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable.

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_01]: He isn't therapy as far as I know because I'm no contact and I hope he does well.

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost.

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man, but I am getting better.

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Zesty Lemon says it does feel like a sad ending and get the sadness of knowing the magical ending

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_01]: wasn't going to happen.

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Have the hope that he would see the light and make changes he needed in order to make

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_01]: you feel valued.

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_01]: At the end of the day there's a happy ending as well.

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_01]: You have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still

[00:20:21] [SPEAKER_01]: holds his values of stinginess higher than he owed you.

[00:20:24] [SPEAKER_01]: So you don't have to wonder.

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_01]: This really really feels like the ending of Inside Out where a core memory comes in and

[00:20:32] [SPEAKER_01]: it's a mix of joy and sadness.

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_01]: And sadness isn't bad.

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Sadness helps us remember what is important.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_01]: You are important.

[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm happy for you that you've been able to connect with the things that bring

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_01]: you joy and surrounded yourself with them.

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: But please stay open.

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I know you have joke that you're fine being single forever.

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_01]: And if that is the course of your life then that's all well and good.

[00:20:55] [SPEAKER_01]: But being single doesn't mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment.

[00:21:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Guard yourself against becoming a version of your ex in the same way you became

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_01]: a version of his ex.

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself

[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_01]: off from people to keep yourself safe.

[00:21:14] [SPEAKER_01]: You deserve that joy and all the happiness in the world.

[00:21:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope he says thank you.

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of wow this person is something

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_01]: else.

[00:21:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Not interested in anything else.

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I know I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of.

[00:21:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Married, nice house, some kids.

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_01]: A life with no worries.

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_01]: But he was not that mad.

[00:21:38] [SPEAKER_01]: He has sent me letters upon letters about how sorry he is taking accountability.

[00:21:42] [SPEAKER_01]: But I can't anymore.

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I just don't want to try again.

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope he does well for himself.

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_01]: He's in therapy and doing his best.

[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope he is happy one day.

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I just don't want to be a part of it anymore.

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_01]: So yes, it is no Disney ending.

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_01]: But it is also not my ending.

[00:21:56] [SPEAKER_01]: It is a real beginning.

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay Ack says he's now taking accountability.

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what he can do with his money.

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Hope he says yep he's very sorry about that.

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't know why he reacted like that.

[00:22:10] [SPEAKER_01]: He's ashamed about it.

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Money suddenly doesn't matter to him anymore.

[00:22:14] [SPEAKER_01]: These are all things in his text, letters and phone calls.

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: But it has been a while since I've been in contact with him.

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Even if he changes a lot now my question is why couldn't he do that then?

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I got sick when I got sad and told him I was unhappy.

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Why can he only change when he is in pain because I left?

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_01]: That says it all.

[00:22:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future.

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_01]: But I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_01]: In four months from that update,

[00:22:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Hope he updates once again and says I was in a financially abusive relationship with enough

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_01]: time pass and now I'm more comfortable with the word abuse.

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or call me names.

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_01]: He just used triangulation and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_01]: myself and to get me to fall into line.

[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_01]: multimillionaire just to have some comfort in life.

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Once I was trying to prove I was no gold digger by having zero needs,

[00:23:13] [SPEAKER_01]: living in a cold house and buying everything he could ever want.

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I never lived an impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: money more than I could possibly comprehend.

[00:23:23] [SPEAKER_01]: When I left I really struggled to keep at it.

[00:23:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I was so scared to go at life by myself I actually have to pinch pennies.

[00:23:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long when into therapy begged me to come

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_01]: back. It digged into my resolve, made me doubt if I was making a mistake.

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_01]: A few things made me go on.

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_01]: One, my colleagues who are more friends than co-workers who knew all my stories into details

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_01]: hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving.

[00:23:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Their feelings were so authentic and rubbed off on me.

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I was also proud I left.

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I couldn't let them and me down by going back.

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Two, my boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_01]: never give men second chances, they never change.

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_01]: You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Three, my trainer who knows some stories said to me

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_01]: you gave everything to get less than nothing back.

[00:24:16] [SPEAKER_01]: It is like me getting 100 bucks from you and to repay you

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll take another 100 bucks from your wallet.

[00:24:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Why would you want to take that deal again?

[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_01]: He has a debt with you he can't repay and I don't mean cash.

[00:24:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean emotional energy love and kindness.

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Four, I read somewhere don't wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_01]: because you feared the change you have to make today.

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_01]: That hit me hard.

[00:24:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I've bought my own apartment.

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_01]: who make my monthly wage in a few days but the fact is I have a very good job.

[00:24:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I am far above average.

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm able to have a nice place nicely furnished and I can even support a puppy.

[00:24:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I live by myself but endlessly feel more warmth than in a relationship.

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I love myself way more.

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house.

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_01]: About for dinner sometimes.

[00:25:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship.

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I kept at it and moved on.

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Keep going one foot in front of the other.

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_01]: It is hard but you can do this.

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm proud of you.

[00:25:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I have four months from that update.

[00:25:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Opie comes in one more time and says the money is gone.

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to get that back or fight for it.

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I even had to block him because at some point he was petty and wanted me to pay rent for the time

[00:25:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I lived with him so no way I was opening that discussion.

[00:25:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever.

[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Lesson learned.

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I may look poor compared to millionaires but I'm doing fine.

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_01]: The sister and I did get along for a while.

[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_01]: We share a hobby and talked about that but recently I've been official and out in

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_01]: the open with my new boyfriend and she struggles with this.

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe she was hoping it would still work out or something I didn't know

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_01]: but she has been a lot colder.

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_01]: This man.

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_01]: People say never settle because there is better out there for you.

[00:25:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I never believed it.

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly I was ready to be crazy dog lady for the rest of my life.

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_01]: I was enjoying being single.

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_01]: My friends urged me to start dating just to get the hang of it.

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It was my third date.

[00:26:08] [SPEAKER_01]: I went against my will and 100% not into it but when I saw him in real life

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_01]: oh my god sparks flew like never before.

[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm in my 30s so you would have thought, experienced it all.

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_01]: But this.

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_01]: Here's everything my ex was not.

[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_01]: His kind and caring, cooks me dinner, gets flustered but is grateful for gifts he gets.

[00:26:30] [SPEAKER_01]: He treats me to dinners but not even allow me to go dutch on it.

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_01]: His planned and booked dates and trips months in advance

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_01]: even before we were well and good official.

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I used to be gift.

[00:26:40] [SPEAKER_01]: He's not as wealthy as my ex but he makes a good living.

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_01]: His income is comparable to mine and he treats me like a queen.

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Between me and you and all redditors that dig deep into the comments.

[00:26:51] [SPEAKER_01]: The love making is insane.

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess giving people give everywhere freely.

[00:26:56] [SPEAKER_01]: So please take away to never settle, ever.

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Trust the process babe.

[00:27:01] [SPEAKER_01]: And the last comment with a reply from OP, condition big says

[00:27:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope you told him off.

[00:27:05] [SPEAKER_01]: After the abuse you suffered he should shut his mouth it's a shit his mouth but

[00:27:09] [SPEAKER_01]: shut his mouth and be grateful you didn't sue him for emotional distress.

[00:27:13] [SPEAKER_01]: OP says too much energy to waste on a man who wasted so much already.

[00:27:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I just never want to see him again.

[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I hope he finds the help he needs and I hope he becomes happy person

[00:27:22] [SPEAKER_01]: but I do not want to be anywhere near him.

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy with my current boyfriend.

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't understand how I fought for so long to keep this man.

[00:27:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow and the personal growth in one story is absolutely amazing to see

[00:27:37] [SPEAKER_01]: but people were touching out in the comments about

[00:27:40] [SPEAKER_01]: the ex coming back, the millionaire asking her for the rent where she stayed there.

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Cheeky bloody so and so.

[00:27:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Some people touching on the new boyfriend and maybe going slow because of the gifts

[00:27:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and stuff that was being bought at the end.

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Could be just an organic relationship there.

[00:27:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_01]: What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:28:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:28:06] [SPEAKER_01]: And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_01]: stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_01]: So thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Take care and much love.

[00:28:54] [SPEAKER_02]: Hello, we are Julia Becker and Chris Sommer from the podcast Drennis.

[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_02]: Dogs are not Drennis.

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_02]: They want to play out more often and with other people.

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_02]: Everyone has to know that.

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[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_02]: The animal health insurance from Petolo offers your dog and cat full protection.

[00:29:10] [SPEAKER_02]: That means OP and health protection.

[00:29:12] [SPEAKER_00]: With the Gutschein Code Drennis you secure a free test month

[00:29:15] [SPEAKER_00]: with which you can use all Petolo services for a month and test a video chat

[00:29:19] [SPEAKER_00]: at Dr. Fresnaf for free.

[00:29:22] [SPEAKER_00]: You can find all the information on petolo.de.

[00:29:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Slash Drennis.