My Male Friend Sent My Boyfriend A Message About How Were Cheating On Him r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well, my name is Mark and today we are checking out some more Reddit stories and if you do love a Reddit story why not consider hitting that like subscribe maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first

[00:00:17] story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from Going Crazy123456 and says me 25 female my friend 24 male told my boyfriend male 25 we were having an affair but we are not boyfriend doesn't believe

[00:00:35] me I want to start off with that I realize how messed up a situation this is and I understand why my boyfriend would be upset and even suspicious but I can't believe he doesn't

[00:00:45] trust me I've been with my boyfriend Paul for 3 years in the beginning of our relationship Paul had some issues with trust he'd been cheated on in the past I made it clear right

[00:00:56] away that I'd never cheated on anyone that I would not and that I understood if he had trust issues from the past but it was a deal breaker to me to be with someone who couldn't

[00:01:05] trust me he has since those early days been really good about it and throughout our 3 years together I think I have earned his trust I've always been honest with him and never cheated

[00:01:16] on him he asked to see conversations of mine that I had with male friends twice over those 3 years and I've obliged the second time however I made it clear to him that I was

[00:01:26] very unhappy to be treated as though I was acting suspiciously and did not deserve privacy with my friends when he had no reason at all to think I was being shady I said that if

[00:01:37] he didn't trust me because of something I had said or done I was 100% happy to have a conversation about that to discuss it and to address any issues he had but if I had done

[00:01:46] literally nothing to cause suspicion then I expected him to trust me he agreed with me said that I had done nothing and never asked again one of those conversations he asked about was with my friend Roger Roger had 2 years before I started dating Paul confessed

[00:02:02] feelings of love for me I told him I wasn't interested and that was that by the time I was seeing Paul I had absolutely no reason to think things were anything but platonic

[00:02:12] between Roger and myself a week ago Roger and I got together for coffee again I want to stress that before this happened I had literally no reason at all to think he held onto those

[00:02:23] feelings at the cafe Roger suddenly went on this impassioned monologue about how he still loved me how Paul was a terrible boyfriend and I should dump him and be with Roger how loyal Roger was how perfect we were together etc.

[00:02:38] I was pretty much silent through this whole speech because I was so surprised and uncomfortable but when he stopped I told him probably not strongly as I should have but I didn't know

[00:02:47] what to do that I loved Paul that I was absolutely not leaving Paul and that I needed to go home immediately I was shaken up by the whole thing so I took my time getting home to calm down

[00:02:59] but by the time I got home I found that Roger had sent a long utterly insane Facebook message to Paul detailing how much he loved me that we were destined to be together and heavily

[00:03:10] implying but not outright stating that Roger and I had been carrying on an affair for weeks I don't know why he did this I have no explanation Paul believes it completely he has listened

[00:03:21] to my explanation of things but thinks I am lying he doesn't want to see me or talk to me at all anymore I'm completely devastated that Paul would believe this Facebook message over me I'm horrified that my relationship with him has ended like this I'm embarrassed

[00:03:37] that now I'm being seen as a cheater and a slur who slept around on Paul I'm utterly hateful towards Roger it's been a week and I can't convince Paul to talk to me I know

[00:03:48] he had those trust issues in the past but I really believed we were long past them what do I do? And a little discussion kicks off in the comments below that so XV starts off with I think your

[00:04:01] answer is kind of nested in what you wrote you find it a deal breaker if someone isn't able to trust you your boyfriend in the context of a my word vs their situation without there

[00:04:11] being any evidence besides Rogers words to suggest you were cheating and with this set against your stated position that you haven't ever done so has chosen to believe someone else over you it seems he does not trust you and you've just said yourself what you've decided

[00:04:26] the consequences of that would be. Opie said I didn't think of it this way until you put it so clearly I guess you were right even if I spoke to Paul now I would always remember that he didn't believe me or trust

[00:04:37] me I'd always be scared of it happening again. Code Variety replies that and says do hold on to that we've been together for 3 years and all it took was a single Facebook message for him to completely believe that you've

[00:04:49] been cheating he's insecure and doesn't trust you and that's what's doomed the relationship not anything you've done I'd remove any trace of both of them from your life and move on you deserve so much better than this.

[00:05:02] Just want to add the fact that Roger said he's in love with you to Paul makes this even more unbelievable to me he gets a message from a guy who is obviously obsessed with you

[00:05:11] and he decides to trust him over you I'd be pissed if that was me Roger obviously has every reason to try and break the two of you up. Ifling says and replies to that one saying are you kidding me if this was the other way

[00:05:23] around and she got a Facebook message from someone who was previously in love with her SO this whole sub would be screaming not to trust him I agree that this is a deal breaker for her but you can't dismiss her boyfriend's feelings that easily.

[00:05:37] Another user says none of this is your fault your friend is nutty however I think the lesson here is when a friend declares feelings for you it is smarter not to maintain that relationship

[00:05:47] everybody is not as weird as your friend who I hope you are now not speaking to but it is at least awkward I don't think you can do much of anything except hope Paul will come around.

[00:05:58] OP replies saying I haven't had any contact at all with Roger and I don't think I could ever forgive him. Weirdly enough Roger has not at all attempted to contact me since this happened he sent

[00:06:09] that Facebook message to Paul and now has gone totally silent and not attempted to contact either me or Paul. Another commenter says so this guy professed his love and you kept him around the last

[00:06:20] few years do you keep any of these other men hovering around you waiting for their chance I don't blame your boyfriend if I got that message it would take a lot of convincing

[00:06:29] that it wasn't true for someone to confess to have an affair that didn't happen is quite rare indeed and even if untrue I'd be mad that I had to be involved in spillover drama from your friends.

[00:06:41] Lady Boassey replies to that and says I don't blame her boyfriend for his reaction because most people don't do crazy things like pretend they had an affair with someone but I don't think it was necessarily wrong for her to continue being friends with this guy.

[00:06:53] A friend once professed his love to me I turned him down we kept our distance for a little then had some awkward interactions then went back to being friends we were fine for years

[00:07:03] and he never tried to sabotage any of my relationships we lived happily ever after as friends in relationships with other people I think most normal people tend to move on after rejection. Opie added one more reply to someone who basically said you can't be friends with someone after

[00:07:21] they tell you I love you. Opie said I definitely hear what you're saying but I just want to point out I never believed feelings would magically evaporate. Roger said he loved me 5 years ago we were distant from each other for about a year after

[00:07:35] he told me that he loved me then reconnected through mutual friends and were friends for a year before I dated Paul. During that year he acted totally platonically around me and I guess I thought he had enough time to get over his feelings.

[00:07:48] He's been totally platonic as well for the 3 years I've been with Paul. Obviously I was wrong and you were right about how I should have cut him out but I didn't think the feelings would just disappear I thought the year we weren't really in contact

[00:08:01] had made them go away. However Paul already has heard the whole and complete story including what Roger said 5 years ago he thinks I'm lying however when I say there is nothing between Roger and I

[00:08:12] now should I still push this issue with Paul and try to make him talk to me? He's heard everything already he just refuses to believe me. I want to thank everyone so much for commenting.

[00:09:09] Before I post what happened I just want to address a few things that I didn't get into in the first post. First Paul knew I was having coffee with Roger it wasn't some kind of secret thing.

[00:09:19] Paul has female friends he has lunch or coffee with alone too so this isn't unusual in our relationship. Second Paul did not know that Roger had said he loved me 5 years ago. I definitely made a mistake not telling him that but honestly it was so long ago that

[00:09:35] my obviously wrong knowledge was old history. We did not extensively discuss our past so that wasn't really a natural point where it would have come up and it just never occurred to me to say anything. Finally Roger and I did not have a particularly intense friendship.

[00:09:51] It's not like we were texting constantly or best buddies we hung out occasionally and would be in touch if something relevant came up but we didn't just chat randomly. Having said that I took the advice of some redditors and when I was a little calmer I

[00:10:07] facebook messaged Roger asking him why he lied. He responded with what do you mean? At which point I started pressing him harder. He responded only with one word answers and honestly didn't reply to most of my messages

[00:10:20] at all no matter how much I asked and never actually gave any definitive statement of yes I lied for such and such reason. Eventually I sent him a definitive statement that I said I never had an affair with him,

[00:10:34] that I was incredibly hurt and angry, that our friendship was over and that he was never to contact me again. He replied ok and that was that. I sent the entire facebook conversation to Paul not thinking it would help save us but just try and clear my name.

[00:10:49] In the message I asked him if Rogers reactions to my questions and my response to Roger was in line with what he would expect if Rogers accusations were true. Paul didn't respond that day but the next day he called me.

[00:11:02] Paul basically said that the more he thought about it the more he believed me and that the conversation between Roger and I helped him believe that, that Rogers responses didn't make sense and that he now thought nothing had gone on however he said despite that that

[00:11:16] the trust was broken between us and that he couldn't be with me. I got pretty mad and yelled at him asking why I was being punished for nothing and he just basically disengaged from the discussion. Not my finest moment I know, I was just so overwhelmed with frustration.

[00:11:32] We did eventually end the conversation calmly if not amiably and here's dropping off the stuff that I had left at his apartment later this week. I learned my lesson, not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship

[00:11:46] forever but I will never date someone who has trust issues or a history of being cheated on again. I'm sure I come across as a little bitter about this but honestly I feel there was absolutely no point to my fidelity and honesty during those years.

[00:11:59] I got treated like a cheater whether or not I cheated and both Paul and I ended up hurt and alone despite being 100% faithful. I'd rather end up alone or stick to friends with benefits than end up investing another

[00:12:11] three years in a relationship to have this be the conclusion. TLDR Paul and I are done, Roger and I are done. Coffee says to that one saying I can't understand Roger, how does he live with himself? I could never do that to someone.

[00:12:26] Opie says I suspect based on what I know of Roger that he got angry when I rejected him and impulsively sent the message to Paul. He's not usually a psycho so I'm betting that after a bit he realized how terrible what

[00:12:38] he done was and that is why he avoided me or refused to talk to me when I facebook messaged him. Why he wouldn't apologize or try to make it right I have no idea.

[00:12:48] Assassin says and quotes not only will any declaration of interest by a friend end that friendship forever. And then says this is just a side note, the main thing is you're rid of both these sources of drama, good for you.

[00:13:00] But I'm a guy who has declared interest in people and then gone on to be good friends after being rejected, as in really just friends. So I'd choose carefully because perhaps you'll write some decent people off if you have a blanket rule.

[00:13:13] I totally get why you feel that way though. Obi says I thought that this would be possible but honestly I got a ton of comments and I'm still getting them and how ridiculous I was to ever imagine I would continue to have someone

[00:13:24] in my life who once confessed feelings for me. A lot of people have pointed out that by allowing Roger to be a friend or a part of my life at all was a huge mistake and frankly looking at the result I have to agree.

[00:13:38] I may write off some decent people which would be a shame but this has convinced me that I can't allow anyone in my life that might be holding or have at some point held feelings for me if I don't return them. Gee whiz.

[00:14:14] Now what do you guys make of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Story from a throw away account and says I kissed another man when I was drunk. Should I tell my boyfriend?

[00:15:03] This past Friday my friend threw a huge party for her 26th birthday. It wasn't a particularly significant birthday but her father always indulges all her requests and her parties are always one of the highlights of the year.

[00:15:15] This year she was inspired after watching the fall of the house of usher on Netflix and wanted to throw a party in an abandoned building and her father made it happen. I wasn't too involved with the planning this year because work kept me busy so when I first

[00:15:29] heard the idea I was skeptical but she pulled it off spectacularly. A little backstory on my boyfriend and I. We met at uni when I was 18 and had been close friends. We lost contact when we graduated and I got engaged.

[00:15:42] My fiance died when I was 22 and he was great support to me during that time. After that since he moved to a city 4 hours away we would only exchange the occasional texts. Well until February this year when we both got slightly pissed at another party and slept together.

[00:15:58] He asked me out after that and we slowly transitioned into a relationship. Anyway moving on I woke up today with vague memories of what happened the night before but my body felt wrong. I know I got insanely drunk and stupidly said yes when I was offered ecstasy.

[00:16:15] I've only ever smoked weed in the past and that was during uni. UK is very strict about drug usage and my job requires a pretty intense background check. Even being in the vicinity of substances might get me fired.

[00:16:28] At the party I hung out with my friends towards the beginning of the night but I turn into a social butterfly when I'm drunk and I wandered off and ended up chatting to a friend of a friend I barely knew.

[00:16:40] He was quite flirty and I remember mentioning pretty early on that I had a boyfriend and he said he was just bantering. Now I can't remember who initiated it but I remember kissing him. I don't know for how long but it felt pretty intense.

[00:16:54] After beating myself up and having a shower I asked any of my friends if they had witnessed anything, and one of them said she was the one who has dragged me away from the other guy after seeing me making out with him.

[00:17:04] She said as she grabbed me she could tell I was ridiculously drunk and had no idea what I was doing and took care of me the rest of the night. She had chosen not to say anything to me if I didn't remember since it was just a drunken

[00:17:16] mistake and my other friends agree with her. They said it's not worth blowing up my relationship with something like this since it doesn't mean anything and I barely remember what happened. She told me nobody else saw since we were in a secluded corner and this secret would

[00:17:31] stay between us but I'm not sure how to proceed. She texted me this morning asking how I was and hoping I had a nice time and if my friend liked her present since he helped me shop for it and I haven't been able to reply to him.

[00:17:44] I've got no words until I sort out what I'm going to do. I know these girls would never tell a soul what happened but the guilt is killing me.

[00:17:51] I don't know how I'm going to face my boyfriend the next time I see him even if I choose not to tell him, and if I do then how do I deal with everything if he chooses to leave?

[00:18:01] I know I'll never do anything like this again because I'll never let myself be put in such a mindless state but would it be absolutely horrible of me if I choose to just move on from this without telling him?

[00:18:11] I need objective advice because I know my friends are always going to try and protect and help me. I know I exhibited supreme lack of judgement and would not mind any criticism but don't slut shame please.

[00:18:23] And the top comments on this one operator says tell him and accept the repercussions as the cost of this mistake. There is no way out of it, learn from their sin grow as a person.

[00:18:32] Topi says I think this was definitely the wake up call I needed about how I'm living my life. Gatorman says you think you're secretly safe with your friends but this kind of thing always gets out eventually.

[00:18:43] So you have a choice between the following, coming clean with your boyfriend now, confessing your mistake and promising never to get that shit faced again and because you are being forthcoming, honest and regretful having the possibility that he will eventually forgive you and maybe save your relationship.

[00:18:59] Having him find out a month, six months or a year down the road. At that point he will know that you hid it from him, lied by omission and have a hard time proving and documenting what actually happened.

[00:19:10] He will never forgive you or trust you again if he finds out about it this way and it is almost certainly a death knell for your relationship. Topi says the possibility of him not forgiving me is what is terrifying to me but you're

[00:19:23] completely right about it being worse if he finds out down the road. I don't think there is going to be a magical perfect outcome for me here. But Topi's first update comes in, thank you for everyone for the advice left, especially the comments calling out my behaviour.

[00:19:37] While they initially stung, you made me see the way I was trying to justify what I did instead of taking accountability. I got a dozen messages from people who had been in my boyfriend's position before and I want to apologise if my post was triggering in any way.

[00:19:51] I listened to the majority and told my boyfriend. I texted my boyfriend that I missed him a lot and he said that he could drive down and stay for a couple of days since he could work remotely if he wanted to but I don't have that option.

[00:20:03] He basically left as soon as I asked him to and it takes him about 4 hours to reach my city in which I had enough time to get the full story of that night.

[00:20:11] I asked a friend of mine if he could find out from the guy what happened without making it obvious, I was asking and he agreed. I asked him to call me when he did so me and my friends could listen in.

[00:20:20] I wanted to know exactly what he said so I knew what to tell my boyfriend. My friend is closer to the guy than I am and they game together so him going over to his flat was an uncommon occurrence.

[00:20:32] Initially he was worried that he wasn't a good actor but I told him exactly how to bring it up and he did pretty well to be fair. He said he had seen me and him kissing and asked what was going on.

[00:20:43] The other guy laughed the whole thing off saying he didn't think I'd be such a slag and that my friend was a see you next Tuesday or dragging me away. My friend said the situation was pretty fucked now since I had a boyfriend and the other

[00:20:55] guy said if I didn't want him to kiss me then I shouldn't have hung around him all night but my friends told me I wasn't around him for more than 20 minutes in total.

[00:21:03] At least now I know I'm not the one who initiated the kiss and he was much more sober than me since he recalled things I had no recollection of saying. In my previous post I said I remembered mentioning my boyfriend and he said that too so I'm trusting

[00:21:16] the little memories I have of that night. A couple of people messaged me saying I had been taken advantage of but I honestly can't say that since I did kiss him back. That is a huge accusation to make and I can't remember enough even to say that.

[00:21:29] Everything that guy said just confirmed to me that I needed to tell my boyfriend. I'm furious with him for the way he talked about my friend but I'm not going to waste any more time on him.

[00:21:38] While my boyfriend was driving down I texted him that I needed to talk to him about something important as soon as he got here so I wouldn't chicken out. I left with two of my girlfriends and they cleared out until I had talked to him so I

[00:21:50] had no excuses. He looked so worried when he arrived, I think he thought I was going to break up with him since I was crying as well. He was being so unbelievably sweet and hugged me tightly and said he wanted to work it out

[00:22:02] and just wanted me to talk to him. So I sat him down and told him not to interrupt me and let me finish. I told him everything, taking ecstasy, kissing another guy and waking up not remembering anything.

[00:22:14] I even told him that I contemplated not telling him anything, what the guy said on the phone, absolutely everything. He was holding my hand tightly in the beginning and by the end of it he had his head in his hands as he listened to me finish.

[00:22:26] He just sat there in the end and stared at the floor. I knew I needed to give him time but I don't know how long we both just stared into space. I had no clue what he was thinking, would have preferred if he just yelled so we could

[00:22:39] at least talk. I wanted to shake him into saying anything. When he finally spoke his voice sounded soft and hurt. He asked me if I actually did want to see him or if I made him drive 4 hours just so I could tell him I kissed someone else.

[00:22:54] I said I did miss him but I knew I needed to tell him what happened and didn't want to do it on the phone. I told him that I wanted to take full accountability and that as drunk or high as that was no excuse

[00:23:05] and I was very sorry for hurting him in this way. After this I know I can't trust myself to drink in a responsible way and I'm going to cut back on it.

[00:23:13] I have planned to go fully sober for one month just so I know I can and that nothing like this happens again. He replied that this has just confirmed every insecure thought he had about our relationship.

[00:23:25] He said he always felt like I had one foot out the door and that he had pressured me into this relationship and maybe what I did was a way of getting out of it. He said it was a drunken mistake and it didn't mean anything further.

[00:23:36] He said it meant he loved me but I didn't love him and had there been any other girl in his past he would have been out the door but he couldn't do that with me just yet and I couldn't fight him on that.

[00:23:46] I couldn't say I loved him right now, I cared for him a lot and I couldn't see myself being in love with him in the future but I'm not there right now. I haven't been in a relationship since my fiance and it's been difficult for me to

[00:23:57] open up my heart to someone else. I'm terrified of being left by someone else I love. I asked him if he could see himself ever forgiving me and he said that he didn't know right now.

[00:24:08] I know I'm not the victim here but hearing that was so painful I just started sobbing and being the amazing man he is he comforted me and I felt so disgusted with myself for hurting him.

[00:24:19] He held me against his chest, stroked my hair and let me cry it out and then he left saying he was going to get a hotel and come back tomorrow so we could talk when we are not so emotional and after he decided what he wanted moving forward.

[00:24:32] I told him he could stay in my room and I'd sleep on the sofa but he said he didn't think he could be around me right now and make a rational decision.

[00:24:40] Right now I'm fighting the urge to go to him and make him stay any way I can. I know there's no magical words that'll fix this. Also has anyone been through anything like this and how did you and your partner work past it?

[00:24:52] I wrote down everything that has happened but wasn't in the mood to post it until today. My boyfriend came back the next day and his demeanor had completely changed.

[00:25:06] I tried to hug him and he sidestepped me and asked if we could go on a walk to talk since he didn't need my friends and audience. Before we could speak I apologized again and promised to do whatever to make it up to him

[00:25:16] and he said I didn't need to do that. He said he thought about it all night and came to the conclusion that we never should have started dating no matter how in love he was, that the conception of our relationship

[00:25:28] was from me being drunk and sleeping with him and that he should have treated it like a mistake rather than the start of a relationship. He said he was tired of feeling like a second thought and apparently I made him feel that way.

[00:25:40] I kept on saying that I wanted to be with him even though I know he deserves better and that I knew what I was doing when we got together and in what circumstances did I make him feel like he didn't matter.

[00:25:51] He said he's seen me in relationships where I care and love the person and he didn't get any of that. After my fiance died he was the one that pushed me to go to therapy and I've always refused

[00:26:02] since I didn't think I needed it and he brought that up as well and said my life would continue to be a mess and I would continue to hurt other people until I broke my destructive patterns and actually dealt with my emotions.

[00:26:13] I just had no clue what to say. I admit I'm the one that fucked up but it's one fuck up, it's not always indicative of some larger problem, a mistake is a mistake sometimes.

[00:26:25] He said he still loved me but knew carrying on with the relationship right now would cause more problems between us later down the line and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't understand, if he loved me how could he leave me? I still don't understand.

[00:26:39] He said just because we wouldn't be together didn't mean he'd disappear from my life. He said anything that happened between us right now would be tarnished and he wanted a relationship without guilt and that wouldn't be possible right now.

[00:26:51] I said how painful it was for him to say all of that to me. I'd never seen him cry before. He left after that since I couldn't talk to him anymore. I just felt so hurt and abandoned and then felt guilty for feeling like that since I

[00:27:04] was the one who fucked up and it was just a vicious cycle. He kissed me when he said goodbye and said he'd check up on me soon. He texts me on the next day just asking how I was and I didn't know how to reply so I didn't.

[00:27:16] He still messages every day asking how I am and that he really wishes I would text back since he's worried about me. I can't find it in me to reply. I know he's asked my friends about me but they said he just seemed concerned about me.

[00:27:30] I still can't believe he ended it. The only positive is that I've not drank any alcohol in about a week and it's much more difficult than I initially anticipated but I'm going to carry on and try and finish a month.

[00:27:42] I'll update if anything changes but it probably won't. I think the right thing was owning up to what happened and accepting the repercussions of what you did, taking accountability etc.

[00:27:57] I think that was a good thing but I still couldn't get it out of my head all the way through that the dude drove 4 hours to be told this. I was like really?

[00:28:07] Imagine he was really hyped up at the beginning, he's going to go see his girlfriend, he's driving, making the trip of 4 hours to go see her. He leaves straight away, sounded like he was excited to go.

[00:28:18] Some point during this trip he receives a text that, a worrying cryptic text that she needs to tell him something really important which is a real dodgy thing to text someone when they're driving a long trip like that.

[00:28:31] Gets through the door to the surprise of I've kissed someone else. What a kick in the nuts that is. Gee whiz. Now he's got to drive another 4 hours home thinking about that. It's just, dearie dearie me. Anyway, what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:28:46] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories, your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me so thank

[00:28:56] you so so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.