My Husbands Mom Wants To Live With Us For Up To 2 Years?! r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories and if you do love a Reddit story why not consider that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from RewardsSpecialist3390 from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit. And it says, Am I the Arsehole for telling my husband his mom can't live with us for months long stretches?

[00:00:29] My husband and I have been married for almost two years and our son is 10 months old. We live in Canada. I grew up here while my husband immigrated when he was a student. My parents live nearby which has been invaluable during my pregnancy and since. My mom comes over regularly to help us out. My husband and I are on good terms too so it's been going well. His parents live in another country. We have visited them once since we got married. That was seven months ago. The time prior to that was our wedding.

[00:01:01] My husband had been talking about my mother-in-law visiting soon for a long visit which I was happy with. We recently moved into our new house and I've done a good job decorating it. We have a large guest room and I was looking forward to hosting her especially since it would make my husband happy. A couple of days ago he was complaining about how detailed her visa application was. I told him I was surprised it was so thorough. He told me that it's because while regular visa forms allow a stay of six months

[00:01:29] max this one allows two years. I asked why would she need a stay of more than six months. He said that she'd been thinking of winding up her medical practice and basically retiring and this would then allow her to stay for a longer visit if we all decide that it works.

[00:01:43] I was stunned. I told him that he should do the regular app because his mom won't be staying for anywhere close to six months. I had it in my mind that she'd be staying for like a month. That's how long we stayed for when we went there. He said that's his mom. She tells him how alone she feels. She can't go to brother-in-laws because he lives with roommates and we can't just put a timer on a visit here. He said she's been looking forward to helping us out with our son.

[00:02:09] I told him we don't need help. We manage fine on our own and with my mom's help. I wanted to host his mom as a guest not as a part of our household. He complained that how was it fair that my parents could visit whenever they wanted while his can't. I was hurt by that because my parents have helped us out a lot and I asked him if he wants us to limit how often my mom comes to visit. He said no that's not what he meant. That he likes her but it wasn't fair to his parents.

[00:02:36] My reply was that when my mom comes she goes at the end of the day. That wouldn't be the case with his. I ended it by saying that he should look into the easier regular form because she can't be thinking of staying for that long. He chose to sleep on the couch that night and has been cold with me since. I hate that. We've never been cold to each other like this. I talked to my mom too. She said that having his mom live with us for long stretches would definitely affect me but this is worth fighting for.

[00:03:06] Haven't seen him working on the application since. Last night he went out when his mom called. When he came back I asked him how she took it. He told me that he had told her he's looking into what application best suits her. He asked me if I'd changed my mind. I said no. He just shook his head and started watching TV. Am I the arsehole? For me the fact that this has gone from like a six month stay visa to one that allows two years says that he's planning at least six months of her staying with you.

[00:03:35] Which absolutely I wouldn't be comfortable with. You know I like my own space. I like my own house. Especially when you've got a young child at the same time as well. And the argument with your parents versus his just doesn't hold water. So like you said your mom pops in and leaves at the end of the day. Which is completely different from someone living in your space 24-7. You know using everything in your house etc. And again with a young child in the mix as well. Just sounds intense to me.

[00:04:04] And it's not even about you not wanting his mom to visit. It's just about having the boundaries and say in your own home. It sounds like you want her there but just not for that length of time. You said you thought it's gonna be like around a month. Which you know you're far better than I am. I'd be like a week max. But Jenny says not the arsehole. If she's winding up her practice she can move to Canada in her own place and visit like your mom. No need for her to live with you. Haunting says this.

[00:04:32] I don't understand why if she's winding down a medical practice and wanting to be gone for up to two years. She wouldn't rent her own house nearby. She's a welcome visitor for a certain amount of time. But if she's wanting to stay for an extended period of time she needs her own accommodations. That's a difference between a visit and moving in. So sometime later OP did come in with the update and said Thank you for the feedback in the original post.

[00:04:59] Yesterday when he came back from work I tried to start the conversation again. He'd been giving me the cold shoulder since this all started. I told him I'm his wife of two years and the mother of his child. This isn't how we're going to communicate. We started talking after that. I held my ground that his mom staying with us for so long wasn't tenable. If she wanted to visit Canada for longer than a couple of months she would have to live in her own apartment. Learn how to drive or use public transport.

[00:05:28] She's used to being driven by a higher driver in Pakistan. And a whole bunch of other changes that she needs to get used to. But I don't see myself changing my mind on this. So he needs to have an honest conversation with her. And himself. And not go down the, well, we'll keep our options open route. He said that he knows her living with us for an extended stay would require some changes on our part. But he was asking me to do this as a favor to him. That I claim to love him and yet can't do him this favor for his mom.

[00:05:57] I actually started sobbing when he said this. It was so hurtful that he was using this as a litmus test for our love. I said her being around for years would ruin our parenthood with our first child. But I want us to raise our child the way that we see fit. Not his mom. Also, the intimate moments we have. A sex life. Everything would suffer. My parents are Pakistani too. I know this will happen. He again asked me to not shut the door completely.

[00:06:24] That he would tell his mom that the stay can only be for a month or so. And I can let him know if I think the change wasn't too much. And we landed on a compromise that for now, that they'll do a regular visa app that only allows a max stay of six months. If I changed my mind, he'd do the super visa. He then had a long call with his mom, which his older sister also joined. It actually lasted an hour and a half. He was in the backyard for the call and came back in to grab a chair. It was that long.

[00:06:53] Also, from what I could see, he was mostly listening for that convo. When he came back in, he told me to just not answer any calls or messages from his mom or sister. Meanwhile, I've received like four missed calls and 20 messages. From there, mostly Islamic quotes about the rights of parents. I've told them that I can't talk right now since I'm busy with my son right now. I asked him how it went. He said as well as he expected. But he's not giving me the cold shoulder anymore.

[00:07:21] I do feel guilty because, like I said, I was actually looking forward to host her for a month. And I think this whole thing may have caused irreparable damage, not just to my relationship with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, but my husband's relationship with his mom and sister. I told my mother-in-law I'd call her back in a couple of hours once my husband's back. I'm dreading that conversation, but I know what my boundaries are. Thank you for the feedback. It helped. It is.

[00:07:47] Also, one thing that I had to clarify a few times last post. A lot of people were like, this is what happens when you marry outside your culture. My husband and I are both Pakistani descent. Just that I was born here while he immigrated here as a student. But he's been here for like a decade now too. Opie came in with another update and says, I spoke to my mother-in-law. Since her missed calls and text messages were asking me to call her, I figured I should be the one to call, not my husband.

[00:08:16] But I put the phone on speaker so that my husband, who was lying on the couch, could also hear it. She said that my husband had told her he thought it'd be best if she restricts her trip to one month, since it was her first time in Canada, and because we were really busy with my son. She said that ever since my husband had gone to Canada as an 18-year-old, he'd always wanted her to visit for a long duration, and now all of a sudden he was asking her to restrict it when she wanted to help with her grandson, and said she knew I must be the reason why.

[00:08:47] I said it was a joint decision because of the circumstances, but she wouldn't hear of it. She said if her visiting for more than a month was so outrageous to us, then that's fine. She'll limit her stay. But I should know that in Pakistan, in-laws live in the same house with a married couple, like my sister-in-law does, and that she had thought I was in touch with my Islamic and Pakistani roots. When I was getting married, because that's what my husband had told her, but she was disappointed at how whitewashed I was.

[00:09:15] At this point, my husband asked me to give him the phone, but not before I told her that I was totally comfortable with how in tune with my heritage I was, and that apparently so was her son, and told her my husband had just come and handed him the phone. My husband went into the yard to talk, but I was so angry I decided to eavesdrop. He was talking to both my mother-in-law and father-in-law. He told them that it's not like he fled to Canada in the middle of the night as a student. They both happily sent him off at the airport, and that when he had introduced me,

[00:09:44] he hadn't kept the fact that I was born and raised in Canada a secret either, that they can't expect to treat us like a couple in Pakistan. Then he listened a whole lot for like half an hour. I gave him a chair again, and kept telling them that it's different now. They ended the call, with him saying that we were both really looking forward to a visit, that we'll make sure it's a great 30 or so days, with us, and her grandson. He apologized to me on behalf of his mom, and asked me to please let her lecture go, and still be on board with a one month plan.

[00:10:13] I'm looking forward to it much less than I was, but I said fine. This absolutely isn't going to end well, and you know, at this point for me, and I know it's very easy for me to say, but I wouldn't even have her for a month, she'd have to be staying in a hotel, and I'm on the fence about the husband. It kind of feels like the first part of the story, when he was saying, you know, you do this, basically you had love for me kind of thing, the emotional manipulation in that, I thought that was really low, but then seemed to be turning it all around in the update,

[00:10:42] but then still wants his mom to be there for a month or so. It just doesn't feel like there's going to be a good ending to this. It feels like she's going to rock up to their house, in absolute shit the whole time she's there, and you know, possibly not leave as well. And I think just moving forward, your boundaries just need to be crystal clear, and your husband needs to be on board with it. A couple of little top comments before we do move on. Negative Bill says, Not the arsehole, Times 1000. If mother-in-law moves in, your marriage will be over.

[00:11:12] The strain and resentment will be insurmountable. Better that mother-in-law and sister-in-law are unhappy, than your family's life implodes. Chi White Sox says, The resentment is permanent too. And Toots NYC says, I actually love my mother-in-law and father-in-law, but I'm still salty about them pushing in on one of my vacations, when my now husband and I were dating. We got past it, but it took something to do so. And that was a one week in position. But now,

[00:11:40] I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? How would you deal with it if it was you? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from a throw away account, and says, My wife, 28 female, of three years called me, 35 male, boring, for my lack of ambition, and being content in life. I love my job. It's close to home and has flexible hours.

[00:12:10] The pay ain't bad either, considering I have no degree. My wife and I with our income can afford a good living. We have two kids, a son and daughter. My son is four. We had a kid early on before marriage. Was a happy accident. And my daughter too. We were talking Friday, and I mentioned my boss was leaving. My wife asked if I was going to take his spot. I laughed and said, Hell fucking no. Who wants it? This led to a fight. My wife accused me of lacking ambition

[00:12:39] and said I'm boring for just accepting things in life. She said it's insane. She has to be the breadwinner. She has to claw her way up the corporate ladder. She's ambitious. She constantly takes overtime and tries to get promoted, but I've been working the same role, same job for seven years and just accepted. She thinks I've become boring. My carefree attitude makes her bored. Ambition is sexy. It's what men should be. She said if I grew a backbone, I could be making six figures by now.

[00:13:09] We could be living in New York or have a bigger house. I don't understand her logic. Genuinely, I don't. I'm happy with my life. I'm content. Why do I have to be a corporate shark, constantly seeking my way up the ladder? I just want to do my nine to six and go home and see my family. I like having my weekends. I like being happy. We have money. For once, we aren't struggling in life. How can I tell my wife I'm just happy? Why is someone being happy seen as wrong?

[00:13:39] JFC says, I'm with you 100%. I think about this comic a lot whenever I start doubting myself. And by the way, it's a good little comic, by the way. It's by Bill Watterson from zenpencils.com. If you Google Bill Watterson, a cartoonist advice, it should pop up. The commenter continues, The only part that gives me pause is your wife saying, why do I have to be the main breadwinner? Would your comfortable life be possible if she also took your approach? That is, to what extent is her kind of ambition?

[00:14:09] Because I think you're equally as ambitious just towards a different goal. What allows you to pursue the life you want? Does she want to work less? These are important questions about how you work together as a team while also pursuing your own individual ambitions. Opie quoted that comment and says, Yes, she does make much more than me. 10K. I make 48K. She makes around 60K. She's a salaried manager at a big box retailer. But she chooses to do this.

[00:14:38] She liked running her business and she loved working retail. She wants to go into corporate, but we lived in a low cost of living area. Our house was 210K for three bedrooms. That was a fucking steal. My mortgage is cheaper than my rent for a two bedroom tiny apartment. And by cheaper, I mean $300 cheaper. I pay $1,350 for my mortgage. My rent was $1,600. Outrageous, right? But it was all I could find. I can't afford to move to the big city

[00:15:08] and live a life of luxury. It's just never happening. She thinks if we both climbed the ladder in a few years, we'd be making six figures and living in a mansion. That won't happen and it's not my dream. I just want to live my life with a job that isn't stressful and that I enjoy and be not overburdened with stress. Is that wrong of me? She's very much of the men should be the breadwinners and not women. She should take a relaxed approach and stay home with the kids. Lovekidden says, your house payments sound good

[00:15:37] for your combined income amount. Would there be any other monetary stresses for why your wife might feel this way? For instance, does she feel you don't have enough saved for retirement, emergency funds, kids college or other expenses? Just wondering if there's another reason why she's wanting you to move up the ladder. If all your family needs are taken care of and you're financially secure, then being happy and content should be enough. But if you're living paycheck to paycheck, not saying that's the case, then that could be a large reason for why she's feeling the way she is.

[00:16:07] So, sometime later, Opie came in with the update and said, well, it's divorce. We're just two different people going different directions. So, her initial reasons were envy. She admits she was envious I could just accept my life the way it is and be happy with so little. I could be happy never moving up in my career. She was envious I could go home happy and not stressed and not dread the work week. She never has that luxury. She's always stressed, always feeling worthless

[00:16:35] for getting such a late start in life. But the real reason, she's not happy with her life. She admits to me that she cannot be happy with this life. Living in the suburbs, being a soccer mum, the life isn't for her. She tried making it work but she can't do it. She wants to constantly claw her way up the ladder, constantly trying to improve. She wants a big house, be rich, be somebody and not just live. She wants someone who is equally as ambitious and not me, someone who is content.

[00:17:05] She wants to be with someone who is willing to take major risks, spur-of-the-moment plans. To her, it's like a constant pressure. She doesn't want to stay in one place, do the same thing forever. I'm the exact opposite. I don't want to constantly be moving, constantly be doing more. I want to be happy and live a quiet, humble life. She cannot understand how I could want to and I could not fathom why she wouldn't either. So we're left at an impasse. We both have decided we can't go on.

[00:17:35] It isn't fair to either of us nor our kids. Not a happy update, I guess. A commenter quoted a section about saying she admits she was envious, I could just accept my life the way it is and be happy with so little. And then it says, Honestly, your wife just seems to put a lot of importance on money and prestige to fill whatever emptiness she has. You can be a content person who spends time with your family and still be a somebody. Sorry you're divorcing, but I think it'd be better for everyone in the long run. Opie says, That's society as a whole.

[00:18:04] Go look at the last thread. So many people calling me a loser, a failure for not sharing the same ideals. I had so many people DM me saying how much of a loser I am for not wanting to be rich. I had everything I wanted. Nice job, nice house, a family, no worries about money. But it's never enough. Never will be enough. The idea you aren't chasing after the dollar is seen as backwards. Electronic says, I'm very sorry Opie. Well at least you guys aren't wasting time. You've processed through this

[00:18:33] and figured out your goals are different. Eventually you'll find a person who ideals align with yours and your spouse will find the same. It's not ideal, but it's better that kids grow up in two houses where everyone is happy. Tension and unhappy relationships are very apparent to the kids. They pick up the emotions. I hope you heal well and find what you want and what wants you too real soon. Good luck, internet stranger. And someone put an analogy below this one that I really did like. It was from Applesource Police who says,

[00:19:03] Reminds me of a story of the businessman trying to convince the fisherman to start a fishing business, grow a fleet of fishing ships, make a million and retire. Fisherman asks what he'd do when he retires. Businessman says he'd get to spend his days leisurely fishing. Fisherman says that's what he's doing now. And one more comment that says having been both sides of the coin, I get it. I drove hard to be successful for a while. It wasn't until I had a breakdown that I could see the issues with it.

[00:19:32] I drove for two reasons. One, give my family opportunities. Both my kids and my spouse. Being the sole income for most of a decade, every cent counted. Two, justify myself thanks to a whole lot of BS from my past. I told myself giving my family opportunities was primary. Probably more like 50-50 so I didn't see they were fine and I could stop. By the time I crashed, I'd already gotten myself to a good spot. So I was able to put my energies into things other than driving myself nuts

[00:20:01] just to move up half a run. Don't get me wrong, would love to be more successful but I don't need to kill myself to do that anymore. And for me in this one, I think it ended probably, although it's really, really sad, it's probably the best way to end things. You know, if you're going completely different directions, you want different things in life, you know, there's no point in just carrying on because it's going to damage everyone around you, your kids included. You both deserve to be happy in your own ways. But what do you guys

[00:20:29] make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for being involved today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.

[00:21:09] You just don't