My Husband Keeps Intentionally Sneezing On Me When I'm Eating r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] Now our next story comes from the AmITheArshole subreddit and from SneezedOnAndFedUp and says,

[00:00:26] Would I be the arsehole if I just moved my chair away from my husband while I'm eating?

[00:00:33] Cussess. My husband, 41 male and I, 32 female, have been married for 10 years and have a routine where we eat dinner while watching TV. We sit next to each other in our big comfy chairs using little TV trays. However, he prefers to hold his food instead of using his tray. This is important later. He works from home most days while I work from home fully. We talk throughout the day during break so we don't really have traditional dinner conversations.

[00:01:01] Example, how was your day? My husband suffers from seasonal allergies and some months are rougher than others. He has allergy meds and we always keep tissues nearby. He often says he doesn't have time to reach for them when we're eating because he is holding his plate and refuses to use the TV tray.

[00:01:20] Over the past year, he has started doing something that I find extremely disrespectful and disgusting. When he feels a sneeze coming on, he moves his plate to the right and turns his head to the left towards me and my plate. He doesn't warn me and if I'm not paying attention, scrolling Netflix, something for us to watch or already chowing down, I don't notice until it's too late.

[00:01:43] He sneezes violently and repeatedly without covering his mouth. All over me and my food.

[00:01:51] Hopi then added an edit in the middle and said,

[00:01:53] Seems as if people think this is a nightly thing. It's not and never has been. It's just too frequent and annoying for me.

[00:02:00] It's not only when we're eating either. It's not only when I'm around or never around other people either.

[00:02:06] I'm not sure why these assumptions were made. I hope this clears things up.

[00:02:09] When I tell him how gross it is, he says,

[00:02:12] It's not that bad.

[00:02:14] I've had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it's been sneezed on.

[00:02:19] I'm sorry, it's gross.

[00:02:21] I don't think asking me to eat whatever was expelled from his nose and mouth is reasonable.

[00:02:26] I've also had to clean myself off several times because I don't want spittle and whatever else all over me.

[00:02:31] When I threw the food away, he said I was overreacting and being unreasonable.

[00:02:35] I told him he should either use the TV tray or sneeze in the direction of his own damn plate if it's no big deal, as he says.

[00:02:44] He's refused to trade plates with me several times when this happens and he groans and acts like I'm causing an issue when I say we should trade.

[00:02:53] Once, when we're having takeout and didn't have any leftovers, he even added so much chili to his food that it was too hot for me to eat.

[00:03:00] And sat there smugly saying, now I couldn't ask him to trade.

[00:03:04] I felt childish as fuck.

[00:03:06] This is just added to the feeling of disrespect coming from him.

[00:03:10] I'm tired of throwing away food, but I also don't want to eat it after what he does to it.

[00:03:15] It's gross.

[00:03:17] Would I be the arsehole if I just move my chair away from him while eating?

[00:03:20] He says he can't control this, so I don't see another solution if he's unwilling to not sneeze in my general direction.

[00:03:27] I know he'll huff and puff and roll his eyes and say that I'm being unreasonable.

[00:03:32] I doubt he'll make more of a fuss than that.

[00:03:35] But would this make me the arsehole?

[00:03:37] I just want to eat my food without his nasal contributions.

[00:03:40] Is that really too much to ask?

[00:03:42] Petty Meese just said, move the chair the other side of him to see if he then switches his head the other way.

[00:03:48] You know, to me, you've told him multiple times here not to do that.

[00:03:51] He continues to do that.

[00:03:53] It's disgusting.

[00:03:54] I would leave someone over that if they continue to do it time and time again.

[00:03:58] You know, not apologizing for it.

[00:04:00] Just sneezing, being nasty all over your food, and then saying that you can't have their plate after it.

[00:04:05] If I sneezed over someone's food, I'd be horrified.

[00:04:08] If it was in a restaurant and we did that, I'd pay for a new one.

[00:04:12] Or swap it around.

[00:04:14] Something along those lines.

[00:04:15] I would fix that situation because that is just grim.

[00:04:18] I hope he added an edit to their post and said a sincere thank you to all the folks who actually gave good advice, listened, and cared.

[00:04:24] Thank you from the bottom of my anxiety-riddled heart.

[00:04:27] I mean it.

[00:04:29] It means something to me to know that someone somewhere genuinely cares about a random stranger on the internet.

[00:04:34] You're not as rare as I thought, which is nice to know in the grand scheme of things.

[00:04:38] I'm beyond overwhelmed with the replies.

[00:04:41] I'm not an extrovert.

[00:04:43] I'm trying to keep up with the replies, but as said, I'm also trying to get some work done.

[00:04:47] I never expected this many reactions.

[00:04:50] It's a lot to sort through, and I'm sorry to those who left genuine comments that I missed.

[00:04:54] I'll try to go through and answer everyone, but if I miss you, sorry about that.

[00:04:58] I've gone from thinking this was just a move the chair slash don't move the chair, it's not worth the drama post, to questioning whether or not I'm in an abusive marriage.

[00:05:08] And what that means for me, for him, for us going forward.

[00:05:11] I honestly wasn't thinking of this as abusive.

[00:05:13] I feel more than a little stupid for not recognizing it, especially because if I read this story from someone else, I'd be outraged.

[00:05:21] I'm ashamed and genuinely embarrassed.

[00:05:24] I can tell you one thing for sure.

[00:05:25] I would not be getting sneezed on today, and we'll be having a conversation about it soon.

[00:05:31] Someone says to OP,

[00:05:32] OP says,

[00:05:43] As I mentioned to another commenter,

[00:05:45] he tends to dig his heels in when he feels he's justified or believes something is acceptable.

[00:05:50] Like sneezing on my food and me, apparently.

[00:05:52] In general, I enjoy spending time with him.

[00:05:54] Even when we're eating, with the exception of the sneezing fits during the last year.

[00:05:59] Otherwise, we wouldn't be married.

[00:06:00] He's usually patient, caring, polite, affectionate.

[00:06:04] Which is why the behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me.

[00:06:08] I'm really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night, and I've had it.

[00:06:12] Really frustrated.

[00:06:14] Someone says,

[00:06:16] You're fully aware that huffing and puffing is gaslighting right.

[00:06:18] You know, offended you don't want to be sneezed on and think he's not helping you by trying not to sneeze on you.

[00:06:24] He's mad because you're actually taking steps to keep him from fucking with you.

[00:06:28] Let's get real.

[00:06:29] He's being an absolutely disgusting human being on purpose.

[00:06:33] Otherwise, he'd swap meals and turn the other way.

[00:06:36] And you're just taking it.

[00:06:38] He'd be upset because the fun would be gone and he'd be comfortable again.

[00:06:41] Let that sink in.

[00:06:44] Opie says,

[00:07:10] The commenter says,

[00:07:13] I'm getting the impression that this probably isn't the first thing he's tried to convince you that you're overreacting to.

[00:07:18] Is that the case?

[00:07:19] Opie says,

[00:07:21] It's not the first time he's told me I'm overreacting.

[00:07:24] No, it's far from it.

[00:07:26] Unfortunately, I've responded to a lot of these comments and found myself defending the dumbest things.

[00:07:31] Things that, if my friends told me that significant others were doing to them, I'd be so angry at their partners.

[00:07:36] It's a sad place to find yourself.

[00:07:38] I'm going to move my chair.

[00:07:40] We're going to have a talk and hopefully he'll agree to couples counseling.

[00:07:44] I don't feel like this is normal.

[00:07:46] Honestly, after some of the replies on here, I'm not sure if I want to share more.

[00:07:50] I'm sorry.

[00:07:51] The more I share, the more upset I get.

[00:07:53] And the more people claim it's rage bait, which actually really hurts my feelings.

[00:07:57] So, sort of a no-win situation for me.

[00:08:01] Someone says,

[00:08:02] What are you even doing here when you're so obviously not the arsehole?

[00:08:05] Smack him and be done with it.

[00:08:07] Opie says,

[00:08:08] What I'm doing here is looking for support on moving my chair because I spent the last year going back and forth between.

[00:08:13] You're overreacting and this is intolerable.

[00:08:16] I wanted an outside perspective on moving the chair without having to share this disgusting, humiliating situation with anyone I know socially.

[00:08:24] Because it's embarrassing.

[00:08:25] As for why I'm not slapping his head off, I don't hit people.

[00:08:28] I'd make a terrible Jerry Springer guest.

[00:08:31] Commenter says,

[00:08:32] No, not the arsehole.

[00:08:33] You can't control other people's actions.

[00:08:36] You can only control your own.

[00:08:38] So what if he huffs and puffs?

[00:08:40] At least he won't be getting snot on you.

[00:08:42] He's going to huff and puff regardless because you're going to get mad when he sneezes on you.

[00:08:47] At least this way, you can get your way if he gets mad.

[00:08:50] He'd be the unreasonable one.

[00:08:51] And don't even verbalize that.

[00:08:53] He'll be says, I think you're right about the huffing and puffing.

[00:08:56] Because he also complains when I throw food away.

[00:08:58] I won't be saying I'm more dry here.

[00:09:00] It made me laugh, but it feels unnecessarily antagonistic and might just make him more upset.

[00:09:05] Which isn't my goal.

[00:09:07] My goal is simply mucus-free food.

[00:09:10] I don't generally go without eating.

[00:09:13] You're not the first person to mention this, so I should probably clarify my main post.

[00:09:17] I grew up food insecure, so we usually have a full freezer.

[00:09:21] It's very rare that I don't have backups available.

[00:09:25] Except that one time when we had a power outage and everything spoiled.

[00:09:28] That week was an absolute nightmare.

[00:09:30] We live in a city, so I can always order takeout or venture out to eat somewhere.

[00:09:34] Even though I hate the idea of spending more money and wasting the other food.

[00:09:38] It bothers me that he doesn't apologize and avoids admitting thought quite a bit.

[00:09:43] But I don't believe it's vindictive.

[00:09:45] I think it's just carelessness or a sort of disregard.

[00:09:49] I don't mean to assign motives to him or paint him as a bad guy because he's really not.

[00:09:54] I can't believe that someone who treats me well in general is doing this intentionally to upset me.

[00:09:59] It just doesn't feel like something he'd do.

[00:10:01] I've shared such a tiny portion of our relationship and based on some of the replies,

[00:10:06] people seem to be imagining him as some sort of pitchfork wielding devil or needing a diaper

[00:10:11] and these things just aren't accurate.

[00:10:13] Maybe that's my fault for asking in the first place.

[00:10:15] I think I just need to move my chair and try to really talk with him again.

[00:10:20] The commenter says to OP, not the arsehole.

[00:10:23] Anyone that does something gross to you that they don't do themselves is the arsehole.

[00:10:27] I'm concerned about his completely unwillingness to compromise on any solution though.

[00:10:31] Does he do that with anyone else?

[00:10:33] OP says he tends to resist compromise,

[00:10:36] especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable.

[00:10:39] He really digs his heels in when he thinks he's right and I or anyone else am wrong.

[00:10:43] We don't clash often since he's usually quite reasonable, polite and respectful.

[00:10:48] I think that's why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.

[00:10:52] OP on try and avoid being angry.

[00:10:55] OP says avoid being angry.

[00:10:57] I already failed on that front.

[00:10:58] Last night he did it again and I stood up, handed him my food and left.

[00:11:02] I went out to eat alone and I'm not really a fan of eating out at all.

[00:11:07] Being solo made it strange.

[00:11:09] I told him when I got back to just let me know which show you watched so I could catch up later.

[00:11:13] He said I was being childish, which might be accurate, but our reasoning other than that was normal.

[00:11:19] When I got home he acted like everything was fine.

[00:11:22] I'll try explaining to him how it makes me feel.

[00:11:25] He can be really stubborn when he thinks my negative emotions, like feeling hurt or sad, are unreasonable.

[00:11:30] He said I'm sorry that you feel that way about whatever he did.

[00:11:34] But it feels like he's putting the responsibility for my feelings solely on me.

[00:11:38] As if other people wouldn't feel the same in my situation.

[00:11:41] He comes across as dismissive.

[00:11:44] The commenter replies to OP and says yeah, you're describing someone who does not give a shit about you

[00:11:49] unless you are tiptoeing around, displaying only emotions and behaviors that please him.

[00:11:54] Open your eyes.

[00:11:55] And what is this nonsense about not getting angry?

[00:11:57] He's deliberately getting his disgusting snot on your food.

[00:12:01] And you're supposed to meekly explain that it makes you feel sad.

[00:12:05] Fuck that.

[00:12:06] It's very hard to believe this isn't fiction.

[00:12:08] Open your reply saying believe it if it's fake all you like.

[00:12:11] When an insecure person and have a hard time with confrontation.

[00:12:14] Right now I'm actually hesitant to even post this because he used CAPS, which to me is screaming.

[00:12:20] I tend to avoid people who scream at others.

[00:12:22] That's how much I don't like confrontation.

[00:12:24] It's very hard to believe that you haven't seen worse on Reddit to the point that my situation

[00:12:29] is somehow the end all be all of outrage here.

[00:12:33] The commenter says sometimes people aren't who we think or want them to be.

[00:12:37] We just fall in love with their potential.

[00:12:39] And sometimes we think people love us when they don't know how to love others.

[00:12:43] Are you sure he is who you think he is and not who you want him to be?

[00:12:47] Or who he could be?

[00:12:49] And even if you truly love him, do you really think he loves you back the same?

[00:12:54] Not he loves me the best he can, but the same level of respect you show him.

[00:12:58] Does he enrich your life for the better?

[00:13:01] I hope he says I'm starting to wonder if Paul didn't add a love with me a little.

[00:13:04] I don't know.

[00:13:05] This thread has been a lot.

[00:13:07] I just wanted a thumbs up on moving a chair.

[00:13:10] Now I'm sitting here trying not to burst into tears.

[00:13:13] The commenter says I hope you're able to talk to an independent third party soon.

[00:13:17] You deserve better than this.

[00:13:19] You really do.

[00:13:20] Long distance hug from Norway.

[00:13:23] Opie says I'll be insistent on couples counseling.

[00:13:26] Answering all these questions has made me realize that he's actually been doing a lot of things

[00:13:31] that are just not okay.

[00:13:32] That's all.

[00:13:33] And I don't think I want to live the rest of my life with someone who acts like this.

[00:13:36] It's not okay.

[00:13:37] None of it is.

[00:13:39] Commenter says I'm so sorry.

[00:13:41] Sometimes we delude ourselves just to be able to tolerate behavior we normally would not.

[00:13:45] I would suggest couples therapy and I generally don't go there but I think you need help to navigate the situation.

[00:13:51] Otherwise you're going to get to the point of no return.

[00:13:55] Unfortunately I would guess he won't go saying that you are the problem.

[00:13:58] He does nothing wrong.

[00:14:00] The delusion thing.

[00:14:01] But you at least may need to go to understand what you want for yourself.

[00:14:05] You actually sound like a really good person.

[00:14:07] But someone who is not always a nice person.

[00:14:10] OP says this whole thread feels like a giant mistake.

[00:14:13] Like I just ruined my own life somehow.

[00:14:15] By asking too many questions.

[00:14:17] By reading too many replies.

[00:14:18] By giving too many examples of things that viewing them from the outside are so super screwed up.

[00:14:24] By hearing the truth OP.

[00:14:27] Which is difficult to hear of course.

[00:14:57] I comment this out.

[00:15:02] Where is he charming and loving exactly?

[00:15:05] I'm not seeing any behavior to support that.

[00:15:08] OP says he wasn't always like this.

[00:15:11] I never would have married him if he started out this way.

[00:15:14] Another person who was in a similar situation said the same thing happened to them.

[00:15:18] But it started by letting small things go and before they knew it.

[00:15:22] They were a doormat.

[00:15:23] And that's how their marriage lasted as long as it did.

[00:15:26] Like you said.

[00:15:27] Frog in a hot pot.

[00:15:28] We still do our hobbies together.

[00:15:30] But he used to do other things with me too.

[00:15:32] We used to walk the dog together.

[00:15:34] Cuddled in the afternoons.

[00:15:36] We would take turns reading aloud to each other.

[00:15:38] Which sounds stupid I'm sure.

[00:15:39] But it was sweet.

[00:15:41] While the other drew or painted.

[00:15:43] Spent our weekends doing fun things.

[00:15:45] Just the two of us.

[00:15:46] It was really nice.

[00:15:47] He still does small things from time to time.

[00:15:49] Like bringing me my favorite ice cream.

[00:15:51] When I had a really tough day.

[00:15:58] Walk our dog together.

[00:15:59] He'd just roll his eyes and say.

[00:16:00] He's really my dog.

[00:16:02] Which he is.

[00:16:03] I do all the grooming, vet visits and walking.

[00:16:05] But he was once our dog.

[00:16:07] In answering all the questions I got.

[00:16:09] I realized just how messed up things had gotten.

[00:16:11] It was so gradual though.

[00:16:13] I didn't see it as it happened.

[00:16:15] And now here I am.

[00:16:16] Asking if it's worth being spit on to avoid a confrontation.

[00:16:19] Because I'm not sure it's worth it.

[00:16:22] Updated saying I'd get counseling for us.

[00:16:24] And I'd love to tell you that's going to happen.

[00:16:26] But I'm more worried going to pretend that I'm overreacting and refuse to go.

[00:16:30] And I'm honestly not sure where that leaves me.

[00:16:33] One last thought from OP.

[00:16:35] About not being the only shitty thing he does.

[00:16:37] And OP says no it turns out is not.

[00:16:40] As I've answered other people's questions.

[00:16:42] I've realized just how dysfunctional our relationship has become.

[00:16:45] I've slowly devolved into a doormat.

[00:16:47] Because it was easier to just tolerate all the little things that hurt.

[00:16:51] Than it was to go through an emotionally exhausting conversation about behaviors.

[00:16:54] And changes that need to be made.

[00:16:56] I just let it slip.

[00:16:58] And now I'm on Reddit asking to move a chair.

[00:17:00] And realizing how fucked up everything is.

[00:17:04] So OP comes in with her updates.

[00:17:07] And says our age gap.

[00:17:09] There has been some speculation about my husband being a predator.

[00:17:13] We met online in a space where people weren't sharing their ages.

[00:17:17] My avatar was a sketch I'd done.

[00:17:19] And this was a character from his favorite book series.

[00:17:21] He didn't go trolling for barely out of college girls.

[00:17:25] We met through a shared hobby.

[00:17:26] Which we still share and enjoy together.

[00:17:28] We eventually started flirting.

[00:17:30] And then shared our contact information outside of this site.

[00:17:33] So whatever story you've told yourself about him being some sort of creep.

[00:17:37] It's not true.

[00:17:38] That's not to say there isn't an unhealthy power dynamic at play.

[00:17:41] But please don't demonize a man for something he didn't do.

[00:17:44] It was unhelpful and hurtful.

[00:17:46] If you think it's a red flag that I'm sticking up for someone I love.

[00:17:49] Perhaps examine why you wouldn't stick up for those you love.

[00:17:52] When they're falsely accused of something.

[00:17:54] Especially something like that.

[00:17:56] The update.

[00:17:57] Last night I moved my chair.

[00:17:59] It's easy to move my chair.

[00:18:01] Rick glides right across the floor without issue.

[00:18:04] The positioning is such that unless he performs an exorcist level head spin.

[00:18:08] Sneezing at me slash on me shouldn't be a problem.

[00:18:11] He grumbled a bit as we ate.

[00:18:13] Saying I was being silly.

[00:18:14] Tonight there was no sneeze.

[00:18:16] As is typical on most nights.

[00:18:17] Which I guess I didn't make clear enough in my original post.

[00:18:21] That isn't an everyday thing.

[00:18:23] After we finished eating in our highly uncivilized no dinner table way.

[00:18:27] Which some of you were scarily offended by.

[00:18:30] Live and let live folks.

[00:18:32] I moved my chair back.

[00:18:33] I started a conversation with him about why I moved my chair.

[00:18:37] And expressed that I was unhappy with him sneezing on me.

[00:18:39] But I found it vile and disgusting.

[00:18:41] And that expecting me to eat his germs was not okay.

[00:18:44] We live in a city.

[00:18:45] So I can always go out to eat or order something in.

[00:18:48] If I'm not in the mood to dig through the freezer.

[00:18:51] But I shouldn't have to waste money.

[00:18:53] The compromise was either that I continue moving my chair.

[00:18:55] Or that he starts using his TV tray and sneezing.

[00:18:58] At the very least into his elbow.

[00:19:01] He told me again.

[00:19:02] That it wasn't on purpose.

[00:19:03] And seemed annoyed that I'd bring it up at all.

[00:19:06] But he accepted and that was that.

[00:19:08] He switched the topic after saying the

[00:19:10] Fine.

[00:19:11] That translates to

[00:19:12] I'm accepting this but I don't like it.

[00:19:14] We didn't discuss it further.

[00:19:16] For the rest of the night he acted like

[00:19:17] Nothing was out of the ordinary.

[00:19:19] Strange.

[00:19:20] Or strained in a way.

[00:19:22] I'm sure that's a red flag all by itself.

[00:19:24] But it's the least of my problems right now.

[00:19:27] One small step.

[00:19:28] I'll be working on slowly setting boundaries for myself and speaking up more.

[00:19:32] It'd be a process.

[00:19:33] Not a very dramatic update I know.

[00:19:35] But this is just what life is sometimes.

[00:19:38] Again to the folks who reached out.

[00:19:40] Both privately and in the comments section.

[00:19:43] I appreciate you.

[00:19:44] Your stories and your feedback.

[00:19:45] Thank you for your commiseration.

[00:19:47] And yes.

[00:19:48] After some of the replies I've gotten.

[00:19:49] I absolutely understand why you didn't want to share publicly.

[00:19:53] It's still helpful to know I'm not alone in this.

[00:19:55] I also appreciate the patience of the folks.

[00:19:57] Who didn't get mad that I couldn't respond with absolute accuracy and communication perfectly.

[00:20:02] In a timely fashion.

[00:20:03] Or somehow also being able to analyze my entire relationship dynamic from an outside.

[00:20:08] Totally objective perspective.

[00:20:09] That's a big ask.

[00:20:11] And I appreciate the benefit of grace and patience.

[00:20:13] From those who offered it.

[00:20:14] I clearly cannot keep up with the comments.

[00:20:16] And don't have the hours to spend replying each day.

[00:20:19] I'm sorry if I missed you.

[00:20:21] I hope this update suffices.

[00:20:23] So a commenter says to OP.

[00:20:24] He is intentionally spitting on you.

[00:20:26] And you're asking if you're the arsehole.

[00:20:28] Seriously.

[00:20:28] What the fuck?

[00:20:29] This is so incredibly disrespectful.

[00:20:31] It is entry level abuse.

[00:20:33] Physical abuse may include being hit.

[00:20:35] Beaten.

[00:20:36] Pushed.

[00:20:36] Subbed.

[00:20:36] Burned.

[00:20:37] Slap.

[00:20:37] Spit on.

[00:20:38] Choked.

[00:20:38] Kicked.

[00:20:39] Bitten.

[00:20:39] A weapon can be used.

[00:20:41] But may not be.

[00:20:42] I hope you are safe.

[00:20:43] OP says.

[00:20:44] I gave the update.

[00:20:45] Moving my chair was met with grumbling and comments.

[00:20:47] About it being silly.

[00:20:48] But that's it.

[00:20:49] He's never hit me.

[00:20:50] Which is sadly enough.

[00:20:51] But I always told myself.

[00:20:53] Whenever I felt like he was hurting me.

[00:20:55] Emotionally.

[00:20:56] Please don't worry about that.

[00:20:57] He's not that type.

[00:20:59] Commenter says.

[00:20:59] I've read some of your other comments.

[00:21:01] And it sounds like you're having a hard time.

[00:21:02] With some of the things that this post has brought up.

[00:21:05] Reddit can be harsh.

[00:21:06] But I'd encourage you to really pay attention.

[00:21:08] To how he responds.

[00:21:09] When you have this discussion.

[00:21:10] Is he open to considering your point of view.

[00:21:13] Or is he angry and defensive.

[00:21:14] Does he listen with a genuine intent.

[00:21:16] To try and understand you.

[00:21:18] Or is his focus more on finding opportunities.

[00:21:20] To pick apart with what you've said.

[00:21:23] Are you able to be in conflict.

[00:21:25] Without insults or put downs.

[00:21:27] Overall.

[00:21:28] What does his response to you.

[00:21:29] Advocating for your needs.

[00:21:30] Tell you about respect.

[00:21:32] And love in your relationship.

[00:21:34] OP says.

[00:21:35] His default setting isn't name calling.

[00:21:37] Physical aggression or shouting.

[00:21:38] It's more of an annoyed sigh.

[00:21:40] An eye roll.

[00:21:41] Sometimes get tossed in.

[00:21:42] I comment about me being unreasonable or silly.

[00:21:45] When I talk to him about things.

[00:21:46] That I think are really wrong or upsetting.

[00:21:48] As I said before.

[00:21:49] Feels like a sort of indifference.

[00:21:51] But then after the conversation and confrontation.

[00:21:54] Whatever you want to call it.

[00:21:55] He reverts to acting like nothing is out of the ordinary.

[00:21:57] Or different in any way.

[00:21:59] He still wants to spend time doing our shared hobbies.

[00:22:02] Still wants to cuddle when we go to bed.

[00:22:04] Still laughs and jokes.

[00:22:05] With me.

[00:22:05] It's like it never happened.

[00:22:07] And sometimes he does change things.

[00:22:09] Little things.

[00:22:10] But that's what life is really.

[00:22:11] Little things that add up to big things.

[00:22:13] I'm hoping that after last night's talk.

[00:22:15] And my moving chair.

[00:22:17] He changes behavior.

[00:22:18] We'll see.

[00:22:20] It's not a snap of the finger sort of thing though.

[00:22:22] To a kind of comment.

[00:22:23] OP says.

[00:22:24] Thank you for actually having compassion.

[00:22:25] And empathy.

[00:22:27] I'm updated.

[00:22:27] And basically going to slinker off away from Reddit.

[00:22:30] The amount of judgment.

[00:22:31] Negativity.

[00:22:32] And general rudeness.

[00:22:33] In so many of the replies.

[00:22:34] Is depleting my batteries.

[00:22:36] When I need them most.

[00:22:37] Thank you so much for trying to counteract.

[00:22:39] That was a thoughtful.

[00:22:40] Honest.

[00:22:40] Empathetic reply.

[00:22:42] Commenter says to OP.

[00:22:43] Hi OP.

[00:23:00] OP says.

[00:23:01] I think solo counseling will be a thing.

[00:23:04] Whether he wants to go or not.

[00:23:05] Because I've clearly slipped into some sort of strange spiral of shame over things I haven't even done.

[00:23:10] Or that I shouldn't be ashamed of to begin with.

[00:23:12] Let's see how it goes.

[00:23:13] Thank you for the recommendation.

[00:23:16] OP also says.

[00:23:17] Our conversation isn't over.

[00:23:18] I'm just giving him a moment to accept and process.

[00:23:20] And then I'll bring it up again.

[00:23:22] It's a process.

[00:23:23] And it's slow.

[00:23:24] But it also gives me time to recharge my batteries in between.

[00:23:26] I hate confrontation.

[00:23:28] And I have a very difficult time with boundaries.

[00:23:30] And standing up for myself in general.

[00:23:32] Maybe this approach of the series of conversations or pauses between.

[00:23:36] Doesn't work for everyone.

[00:23:37] And it's probably not the healthiest approach.

[00:23:39] But thus far.

[00:23:40] It seems to be at least making progress.

[00:23:42] Which is ultimately my goal in this situation.

[00:23:45] I'd like not to move my chair at all.

[00:23:47] But more than that.

[00:23:48] I'd like to know why this is something he's okay with doing to someone he says he loves.

[00:23:53] The commenter says.

[00:23:54] It's interesting.

[00:23:55] But when you weren't next to him.

[00:23:57] To be a target.

[00:23:58] He no longer had a need to sneeze.

[00:24:00] OP says.

[00:24:01] It's not a daily thing though.

[00:24:02] It never was.

[00:24:03] It just happened often enough to become an irritation.

[00:24:06] He just had a sneezing fit a few moments ago.

[00:24:08] In the hobby room.

[00:24:09] By himself.

[00:24:11] The comment from OP says.

[00:24:13] I'm not trying to win any battle.

[00:24:14] I'm trying not to be sneezed on.

[00:24:16] I wanted to update people.

[00:24:18] The normal result of moving my chair.

[00:24:19] Because other people said.

[00:24:21] He might escalate and retaliate.

[00:24:23] Which he did not.

[00:24:24] The red flag is that.

[00:24:26] He seems to not want to dig into the deeper issue.

[00:24:28] Of why he was doing it.

[00:24:29] And felt it was okay.

[00:24:31] That is a deeper issue for me.

[00:24:33] So that we can fix whatever the root of the problem is.

[00:24:36] So nothing like this happens again in the future.

[00:24:38] I'm not sure how I could have communicated that better.

[00:24:40] But there it is now.

[00:24:42] Hope this helps clear things up.

[00:24:44] OP gave a mini update.

[00:24:46] In the comments.

[00:24:47] And said.

[00:24:48] I'm responding to the people who called him a creep.

[00:24:50] Despite the fact that I was an adult when we met.

[00:24:53] These have also claimed I was targeted by a predator.

[00:24:56] I'm glad some of you missed those comments.

[00:24:59] But it doesn't mean they didn't exist.

[00:25:01] I'm not going to not push back against them.

[00:25:03] Because they're ridiculous and insulting.

[00:25:05] Not just to him but also me.

[00:25:07] I wasn't a child bride.

[00:25:09] Broad generalizations about ages and problems.

[00:25:12] That stem solely because of age.

[00:25:13] Are hardly going to help anything here.

[00:25:15] Mostly because of not all relationships.

[00:25:17] Or people the same age are alike.

[00:25:20] The age gap isn't always a problem for all people.

[00:25:23] I don't know what the problem is in this situation.

[00:25:25] Which is why we're trying to get the root of it.

[00:25:27] Through talking and hopefully soon therapy.

[00:25:30] I can tell you that you don't actually know either.

[00:25:33] You're guessing and using broad generalizations and assumptions to back up your guess.

[00:25:37] I'm not sorry that I'm choosing to work on my marriage.

[00:25:40] And not throw the whole person whom I love away.

[00:25:43] Didn't have any skin in the game on this.

[00:25:45] So I'm not expecting you to understand.

[00:25:47] But seems as I'm now in my 30s.

[00:25:49] And somehow this garners more respect for some idiotic reason.

[00:25:52] I hope you accept my answer.

[00:25:56] All I can really say on this one is when she does go to solo counseling.

[00:26:01] I hope she does mention the whole truth of what's been going on.

[00:26:05] And a counselor gives her some solid advice.

[00:26:07] Because what we saw, it did look intentional.

[00:26:10] I mean, why would you do it in her direction every single time?

[00:26:14] You could do it the opposite way.

[00:26:15] Put your hands over your face.

[00:26:17] Do something, you know.

[00:26:18] You don't have to sneeze over your partner and their food every single time.

[00:26:21] It's just so disgustingly disrespectful.

[00:26:25] And the fact that he won't talk about it to get to the root of the problem as well.

[00:26:29] Apologizes by saying, I'm sorry you feel that way.

[00:26:32] Not sorry for what he's done.

[00:26:34] Says it all for me.

[00:26:35] And it's just so incredibly sad.

[00:26:37] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:26:40] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:26:42] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:26:45] And just a huge thank you for being here today.

[00:26:47] For getting involved in the stories.

[00:26:49] Your love, your support, your time.

[00:26:50] Always means the absolute world to me.

[00:26:52] So thank you so, so much.

[00:26:53] And hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:26:55] Take care and much love.