My Girlfriend Triggered My Trauma With Her Prank But Says I'm The Problem r/Relationships

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: some more Reddit Stories. If you do love a Reddit Story why not consider hitting that

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: like and subscribe button and maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: todays first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Now this is one long story and I'm going to give you some warnings before we get

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: into it because there is some strong stuff in this one. There is talk of murder,

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: PTSD, abusive behaviour and domestic violence within the story. It is pretty strong stuff

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and scary at the same time so if you do want to skip the video please do so. Absolutely

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: no problem at all. Much love guys.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Now todays first story is from prank throwaway5780 from the Am I The Arse or subreddit. The

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: original was posted in October 2021 and the update is coming 3 years later.

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: The story is titled Am I The Arsehole for yelling and ignoring my girlfriend over a

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_00]: prank. I've 22 male been with Nicole 25 female for a couple of years now and

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: she's always liked survival stuff and weaponry and all that. I absolutely don't.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Really really bad experiences with knives when I was younger and Nicole knows about

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: them. We both love Halloween and usually throw a party and dress up and goof around.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Cook up pumpkin seeds and watch movies. Anyway, the point is Nicole loves doing

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: tricks with her knives like five finger fillets, flicking it open and closed,

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_00]: twirling it etc and she'll do it when we're watching a show or movie together.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Forgetting that I've asked her please not to. Told she I'd buy a new one

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and show it off. Asking if I wanted to give it first bite and pout when I say no.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Two days ago when she was playing with it again and I asked her why she keeps

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: forgetting and she said wow okay don't insult my intelligence again and that

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: it was just a knife and therefore not a big deal and therefore not that

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: important to remember. After that she put away the knife and we continued to

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_00]: have an okay night but I was on edge and jumpy whenever she touched me.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Yesterday she called me into the kitchen. Only she was playing five finger fillet

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and I startled her and she messed up. Badly. I lost my call, screamed my head

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: off, tried shouting what I knew about first aid at her while I raced to grab

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: my phone. Complete panic dialing 911 only for her to start laughing and

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: show me it was a prank involving red food dye and a carrot. She had a nice

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: laugh about how I would have known it was a joke if I wasn't so squeamish

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: about knives and it's proof I need to get more comfortable. Anyone with

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: passing knowledge knows that it doesn't look like that when something like

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: that happens. She kept explaining how she did it, how she practiced, how she

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: could show me but I didn't even answer her. It was like my head was

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: underwater and my heart was beating out of my chest. Just moved on

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: autopilot and grabbed my keys and drove a few blocks away before

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: pulling over to breathe. Nicole tried to call me and the first thing I

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: said was it wasn't funny at all. She asked, are you crying? Then I hung up

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: on her. She kept texting me saying she was sorry that she didn't think I'd

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: react so badly to a joke but it was just meant to be good fun in the

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Halloween spirit. I ignored her. I text her after that that I was home

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: but ignored everything else. This morning she sent a picture of the

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: props to the group chat with a few of our mutual friends and they

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: chimed in saying it doesn't even look real. I've muted the chat since

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm wondering if I have a leg to stand on before I go back and

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: apologize.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Edit. Further update here it's overwhelming how much of a response

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: this got and I tried to read all of your comments. Some of them made

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: me laugh, some warmed my heart, others had very hard truths that

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I needed to hear no matter how raw it left me. There are a lot of

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: repeating questions and assumptions. First, we don't live together. At

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I remember the negatives more than the positives so obviously I just

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: had to remember her positive qualities instead of being swayed by

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: my focus on the bad times. Plus it was always perfect after we had a

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: fight and I just assumed the boom and bust cycle was normal. I

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't know Nicole Lightknives at first, a mutual friend, Crystal

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: who was in the group chat and I met Crystal during a community

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: college course. Introduced us as I was new to the area and at

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: first, Nicole and I hit it off as we had a lot of shared

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: interests. Music, art, outdoor activities, going, antiquing,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: wine, food and cooking, just a lot of things. We started

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: dating and eventually went on a camping and hiking trip where

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: she used a knife to split some kindling and she was pointing

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: it towards herself. I remember telling her to watch out and

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: she had me to relax because she did it all the time. She

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: asked me if I wanted to do it myself and admitted I didn't

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Later in the trip we drank by the fire and talked and that's

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: when I told her about my trauma. She promised to protect

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: me and I remember that exactly because I had the mental

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: image of her fending off a mugger and I joked that she

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: was my hero. My trauma has been brought up after that

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: point and neither of us were drunk at the time. My knife

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: issues typically don't impact my daily life except to make

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: me more apt to be very slow in the kitchen when chopping

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: things. It doesn't seem like abuse, especially when we're

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_00]: dating. I don't have any other baseline as I was a late

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: bloomer dating wise. My dad always said that you should

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: both give 110% in a relationship but everyone argues.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought working through the rough patches was normal.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: That's also why I was preparing to apologize because

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: it takes two in an argument so I'm responsible as well

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and need to apologize for my part. In this case,

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: ruining the night with my reaction. I did go through

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: therapy to help cope with the initial incident

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: surrounding my aversion to knives. It was a lot worse

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_00]: when it happened to the extent where I couldn't have

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: anyone point a knife in the direction of another living

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: being or certain songs on the radio that were playing

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: at the time or certain smells. I made progress but

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: clearly not enough to stay with her and deal with her

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: fidgeting with the knives. I will admit to act

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: sliding a bit that I seem a lot more anxious when I

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: stay the night and can't sleep or having more nightmares

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: which is why I believed her when she said I was

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: reacting. Also concerning the fidgeting, it's not a

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: constant thing. Sometimes she'd go weeks without

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: putting the knife out. Sometimes she complained that

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I only focused on the fact that she had used the

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: knife versus how long she'd abstained which seems

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: reasonable to point out. Look, I'm all one for a

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_00]: joke and a prank and all that but this wasn't

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: that. You've expressed how much you dislike knives

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and the trauma behind it to her yet she still

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_00]: lays that down. I couldn't imagine doing anything

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: like that with a partner who has traumas of it

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: regardless of what it is and if you did trigger

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: it in some kind of way, you apologize, learn

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: from it and move on but there's none of that

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: in this story just like, you know, this is

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: your problem and you need to get more comfortable

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_00]: with someone sitting there flicking a knife around

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: while watching a movie. I mean, I might be going

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_00]: too far here but that was like creeping me out

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: in itself. Obadicta says, info, why are you

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: beating someone who repeatedly exposes you to

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_00]: something you're traumatized by and doesn't care

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: how hurt you are by it? Love the Bee says, it

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: really sounds like OP and girlfriend are just

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_00]: not compatible. Not the asshole. 1890,

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Profella says she sounds like a nightmare

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and enjoys tormenting OP. Why is he still

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: with her? That prank should be a deal breaker.

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't a prank. It was a cruel act.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Pouncing Fox says she sounds awful. OP should

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: ask her to explain the joke and precisely

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: why it was funny. Certainly doesn't deserve

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00]: a relationship where he isn't respected and

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: constantly demeaned. I feel awful for him.

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Boss says, had a horrible disturbing prank

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_00]: played on me by the person I love. Am I

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_00]: the asshole? And this is not the asshole OP.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: God, that wasn't a prank. It sounds terrifying.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: But OP came in a day later with a first

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: update and said, a lot of conversation is

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: paraphrased with quotes that stuck in my mind.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I also kept adding to this as things

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: developed and I'm running on zero sleep.

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry if it's not very clear.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I did reach out to Nicole again yesterday

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to talk and I went with the intention of

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: standing my ground and explaining things

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: so she could understand my side.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: She greeted me with, thanks for gracing

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00]: me with your presence and asked if I

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_00]: was here to act my age and talk like an

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: adult. She slammed the door behind me

[00:08:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and pointed to the couch so we could

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: discuss things. Nicole opened with my

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: reaction was unreasonable and completely

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00]: out of line considering the situation.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I said that things need to change because

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00]: that prank wasn't okay at all and she

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_00]: knows I have issues with knife violence

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and I asked, what was funny about the

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_00]: prank? She interrupted and said that

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: ultimatums aren't part of any

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship so I said, I don't think

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_00]: this is working out for us. I don't

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: think we are happy together.

[00:09:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Nicole froze at first and I started

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to explain that the knife thing and

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: our respective stance has been so

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: different it's not fair to either of

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: us. But she repeatedly asked, so are

[00:09:19] [SPEAKER_00]: you going to break up nearly three

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: years just because of this? I tried to

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00]: tell her it was more than just this,

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_00]: it was everything else. It was that she

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_00]: keeps forgetting and triggering me and

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: she loves playing with him but it

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00]: upsets me. But she started talking over

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: me and yelling that apparently I

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: think she's an idiot and that I'm

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: the best actor in the world because

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: she never knew I felt so horrible and

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_00]: that maybe I should call the cops on

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: her for abuse. She grabbed her cell

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: phone and offered to me again and

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_00]: again saying go on, call. But when I

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_00]: said we just need to talk she

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: interrupted with, no you won't because

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, I know, we both know, no

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: cop is going to arrest me for a joke.

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, I'm not very tall, 5'9 and

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_00]: she's only 5'6 but she was standing

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: right in front of me while I was

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: seated so I couldn't get up without

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00]: her moving. After throwing her phone

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: on the couch next to me she stormed

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_00]: into the kitchen shouting that she

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_00]: should get rid of all of her knives

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_00]: because I'm so terrified. She threw a

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: few into the sink and then the

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_00]: whole block of knives into the trash.

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_00]: The whole time asking what about this

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00]: one? Too sharp? Too scary? When I

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: flinched at the noises she said oh

[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_00]: do you feel threatened? How do you

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: think I feel when I have to defend

[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_00]: myself against your feelings? Nicole

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: told me to quit crying but I can't

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00]: just use tears to manipulate her and

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00]: mocked me when I said please stop.

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: She says she has to walk on

[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_00]: eggshells because she has to deal

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_00]: with a boyfriend that can't handle a

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: single joke without running off into

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: the night. It's not hard to overreact,

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_00]: literally just think before you go

[00:10:48] [SPEAKER_00]: crazy, it's that simple. And that it's

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: ridiculous that a grown man can't

[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_00]: handle a knife or a gun and I refuse

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to let go of my victimhood because

[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_00]: anyone normal would have gotten over

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: it by now. It's been nearly nine

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_00]: years she called me stubborn and

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_00]: childish for picking this hill to die

[00:11:04] [SPEAKER_00]: on and I'm not innocent. It's not

[00:11:07] [SPEAKER_00]: fair that I'm allowed to ignore her

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00]: for hours but she can't have a

[00:11:10] [SPEAKER_00]: little fun and is my ego really that

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_00]: big? It's sickening that I don't

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: think she's smart or skilled enough

[00:11:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to handle a knife properly and a

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_00]: sexist, infantilizing and insulting.

[00:11:22] [SPEAKER_00]: At some point I said I think I need

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: to go home and it was like a switch

[00:11:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and she said please stop crying,

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I hate when you cry. Joked,

[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I think because she laughed. I guess

[00:11:32] [SPEAKER_00]: her badge dates are off the table

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_00]: huh? And I should probably take the

[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_00]: knives out of the trash now

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_00]: shouldn't I? She apologized and said

[00:11:39] [SPEAKER_00]: since it means so much to me she'll

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00]: put in more effort. She admitted that

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm such a sensitive guy that if she

[00:11:45] [SPEAKER_00]: stopped doing everything that made me

[00:11:47] [SPEAKER_00]: uncomfortable she wouldn't be able to

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_00]: do anything. She pointed out that I

[00:11:50] [SPEAKER_00]: cried watching my girl the other day

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_00]: as proof that I'm overly emotional

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and it made sense that she thought

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I was just being my normal self but

[00:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: she was sorry for not realizing sooner

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_00]: it was really upsetting me. She

[00:12:02] [SPEAKER_00]: promised she would do her best not

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_00]: to bring the knives out when I'm

[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_00]: around. Nicole hugged me and told

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_00]: me let go we can get through this

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_00]: there's nothing we can't get over

[00:12:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and asked for a chance to start over

[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_00]: fresh start tomorrow no more jokes

[00:12:16] [SPEAKER_00]: it's stupid but I just said yes

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to go home get out of her

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_00]: house and leave while she was still

[00:12:23] [SPEAKER_00]: acting nice

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't hold my ground I feel like an

[00:12:26] [SPEAKER_00]: idiot and I cowered

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I got home and puked and couldn't

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_00]: get to sleep again

[00:12:31] [SPEAKER_00]: today Nicole came and dropped off

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_00]: lunch and coffee for me

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00]: gave me a kiss and said she loved

[00:12:35] [SPEAKER_00]: me and all the old ladies in the

[00:12:37] [SPEAKER_00]: office was gushing about how cute we

[00:12:39] [SPEAKER_00]: are together

[00:12:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to reach out to one of the

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_00]: guys I'm closer to and the friend who

[00:12:43] [SPEAKER_00]: set us up to find out

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00]: when Nicole got so into knives

[00:12:46] [SPEAKER_00]: because I remember about seven to eight

[00:12:48] [SPEAKER_00]: months in

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_00]: it was shortly after the campaign

[00:12:50] [SPEAKER_00]: trip and it was Nicole's birthday

[00:12:51] [SPEAKER_00]: that she asked for a specific knife

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_00]: as her present

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_00]: so at least then but I can't really

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_00]: remember there being anything major

[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_00]: before then

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to break up officially with

[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_00]: her tomorrow with one of the guys

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_00]: if possible

[00:13:03] [SPEAKER_00]: so I can get my stuff from her place

[00:13:06] [SPEAKER_00]: holy moly OP that sounds

[00:13:10] [SPEAKER_00]: absolutely terrifying

[00:13:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and I don't blame the way that you got

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself out of that situation I think

[00:13:16] [SPEAKER_00]: that was the smart move I don't know

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_00]: what she would have done

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_00]: if you was like continue down this

[00:13:21] [SPEAKER_00]: breakup route because

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_00]: the way that she's talking the way

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00]: that she's acting is abusive

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_00]: shit she's also gaslighting you

[00:13:28] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to make it like you know

[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_00]: it's your problem and she's not

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00]: doing anything you know this is all

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_00]: just down to you

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: absolutely do not be around her

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: anymore if you can help it

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_00]: do so but yeah we got that update

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_00]: coming three years later so we're

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: going to find out shortly the one

[00:13:43] [SPEAKER_00]: comment one top comment on that one

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_00]: said

[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_00]: OP that is a completely unstable

[00:13:47] [SPEAKER_00]: reaction

[00:13:48] [SPEAKER_00]: also her toxic masculinity is over

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_00]: the top and you do not deserve to be

[00:13:52] [SPEAKER_00]: treated that way

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry she scared you like that

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and that she thought it was okay

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and you just overreacted

[00:13:58] [SPEAKER_00]: you did not overreact your feelings

[00:14:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and trauma associated with them are

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_00]: completely valid

[00:14:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and she sounds like a hateful

[00:14:06] [SPEAKER_00]: unkind person

[00:14:07] [SPEAKER_00]: please do not go back to her unless

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_00]: someone else is there with you

[00:14:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and stay safe

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_00]: sending you hugs you've got this

[00:14:13] [SPEAKER_00]: tomorrow you're a strong person

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and slightly off topic as well but

[00:14:17] [SPEAKER_00]: she was calling you a sensitive guy

[00:14:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know saying that you're

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_00]: overly emotional because you cried

[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to a movie

[00:14:23] [SPEAKER_00]: hell I've watched Lion King once

[00:14:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and I bawled my eyes out on that

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_00]: scene

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and I've never been able to watch

[00:14:28] [SPEAKER_00]: it again Terminator 2 the same with

[00:14:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the old thumb in the lava oh god

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_00]: nothing wrong we're showing a bit of

[00:14:34] [SPEAKER_00]: emotion folks remember that

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_00]: anyway three years later OP comes in

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: with her update and says

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_00]: there's previous information in my

[00:14:41] [SPEAKER_00]: profile concerning a post I made on

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_00]: am i the asshole a few years ago

[00:14:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I came to reddit about my girlfriend

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and her knife prank

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's been a long while since

[00:14:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and I was uncertain if I could

[00:14:51] [SPEAKER_00]: update here or there or wherever

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I rolled this back over a decade ago

[00:14:56] [SPEAKER_00]: for more background

[00:14:57] [SPEAKER_00]: when I was a pre-teen we experienced

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_00]: a home invasion that resulted in my

[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_00]: mother and dog dying

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_00]: left me with a life-long phobia of

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_00]: knives and anxiety

[00:15:06] [SPEAKER_00]: surrounding blood and breakings

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_00]: directly following the break-in

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I was unable to handle a knife

[00:15:11] [SPEAKER_00]: being pointed at another living

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_00]: creature

[00:15:14] [SPEAKER_00]: my brain caught on to stupid

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_00]: things and connected them to the

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00]: events and made them into triggers

[00:15:19] [SPEAKER_00]: mum's perfume

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_00]: a sound of glass shattering on a

[00:15:22] [SPEAKER_00]: door banging open

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_00]: song that was playing at the time

[00:15:25] [SPEAKER_00]: even though I still hate the song

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_00]: but at least it doesn't trigger a

[00:15:29] [SPEAKER_00]: flashback anymore

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Blood on a beige carpet featured

[00:15:32] [SPEAKER_00]: prominently in my nightmares

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I worked extensively with a therapist

[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_00]: to process what happened

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and what I'd seen

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_00]: recovery took years of therapy

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: weeks of inpatient care

[00:15:43] [SPEAKER_00]: medication to help with the

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_00]: nightmares PTSD

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_00]: depression and anxiety

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_00]: we sold the house as soon as we

[00:15:49] [SPEAKER_00]: could

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I moved out of state as soon as I

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_00]: could

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I kept up with therapy and

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_00]: continued to take my medication

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_00]: my aversion to knives became

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: something minor in how it

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_00]: impacted my life

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I was careful in the kitchen

[00:16:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and I certainly didn't search out

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_00]: knife throwing competitions

[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_00]: but it was under control in my

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_00]: normal daily life

[00:16:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that everything seemed to

[00:16:09] [SPEAKER_00]: be coming together

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I made new friends

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I was balancing work and school

[00:16:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I just met the girl who'd become

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_00]: my first long-term adult girlfriend

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I know now it was just a

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_00]: honeymoon phase but it felt like

[00:16:20] [SPEAKER_00]: we were progressing well

[00:16:21] [SPEAKER_00]: even once the infatuation wore off

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_00]: we stood together through highs

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and lows

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_00]: in the mediocre middle ground

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_00]: where there's nothing exciting

[00:16:29] [SPEAKER_00]: just the mundane

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought that was the marker of a

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_00]: steady relationship

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_00]: to be able to stick together

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_00]: even after the excitement of a new

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship has faded

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: we went on a few trips together

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_00]: driving across state lines to meet

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_00]: her family or flying back to see my

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_00]: dad

[00:16:43] [SPEAKER_00]: on one of our trips we went

[00:16:45] [SPEAKER_00]: camping and my fear of knives got

[00:16:46] [SPEAKER_00]: brought up

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_00]: that led to the break and getting

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_00]: brought up

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_00]: she seemed to care at the time

[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_00]: even promising to protect me as

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_00]: something ever happened

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and offering to install a camera in

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_00]: my apartment

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_00]: after the camping trip I don't know

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_00]: if it was always there and I

[00:16:59] [SPEAKER_00]: noticed it more after or what

[00:17:00] [SPEAKER_00]: but she started to be more

[00:17:02] [SPEAKER_00]: obviously into knives

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_00]: practicing tricks in front of me

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_00]: showing videos to me

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_00]: starting a collection

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_00]: she even asked for a knife for her

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_00]: birthday that year

[00:17:11] [SPEAKER_00]: showed me exactly which one she

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_00]: wanted

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_00]: before she was into camping

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: into guns which ironically I have

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00]: zero issues with

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and how to forage

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00]: make shelter

[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: purify water

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_00]: basic survival stuff

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and artillery and tanks

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_00]: she did multiple courses about

[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_00]: military history in college and

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_00]: she busted out the textbook

[00:17:29] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes as she remembered

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: something she thought I would find

[00:17:31] [SPEAKER_00]: interesting

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_00]: but suddenly it seemed like her

[00:17:34] [SPEAKER_00]: focus was on carving and skinning

[00:17:36] [SPEAKER_00]: animals on knife wounds and tricks

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and collecting and displaying knives

[00:17:40] [SPEAKER_00]: she started doing the tricks more

[00:17:42] [SPEAKER_00]: often in front of me

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_00]: even when sitting next to me on

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_00]: the couch or at the dinner table

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_00]: she would gesture with a knife

[00:17:48] [SPEAKER_00]: without thinking

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and even pointed at me

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_00]: again one of my major triggers

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_00]: being knives pointed at people

[00:17:53] [SPEAKER_00]: or animals

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_00]: she started sending me videos of news

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_00]: clips or

[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_00]: other breakings or news reports

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_00]: of robberies ending in murder

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_00]: between a bunch of other funny

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_00]: videos or pictures

[00:18:04] [SPEAKER_00]: so check and snapchat became a

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_00]: game of Russian roulette

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_00]: if I didn't check the links

[00:18:08] [SPEAKER_00]: sent through text

[00:18:09] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd keep sending them

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and ask what I thought

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd forget she had the knife

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_00]: in hand when she came up to me

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes from behind

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_00]: my night mass came back

[00:18:18] [SPEAKER_00]: my anxiety got worse

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_00]: no matter how often I reminded her

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to please stop playing with a

[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_00]: knife in front of me

[00:18:24] [SPEAKER_00]: or at least not next to me

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: she would always forget

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_00]: after a little bit

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_00]: some part of me refuses to believe

[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_00]: there's no way she risks

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_00]: bodily harm just to unnerve me

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_00]: it came to a head when she pulled

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_00]: a prank where she pretended

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to cut off a finger

[00:18:37] [SPEAKER_00]: we had a huge fight

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00]: our biggest one yet

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish I'd acted differently

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and hadn't stormed out

[00:18:42] [SPEAKER_00]: but I did

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00]: there was a lot about my time

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_00]: with Nicole I would do

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_00]: differently in hindsight

[00:18:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I was so sure

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd just break up with her for good

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why I didn't

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_00]: stay broken up with her

[00:18:52] [SPEAKER_00]: when I did it first

[00:18:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I did it alone

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_00]: because my friend Jack

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_00]: rolled his eyes and called me a pussy

[00:18:57] [SPEAKER_00]: for wanting backup

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_00]: so I did it in a coffee shop instead

[00:19:00] [SPEAKER_00]: hoping the public eye

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_00]: could be my backup

[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Nicole stared at me

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_00]: with a surfronted expression

[00:19:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and it was like I couldn't

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00]: find the words anymore

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_00]: her eyes were huge

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and wide and hateful

[00:19:11] [SPEAKER_00]: like I've never seen

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_00]: anyone glare at me like that

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_00]: she gripped onto the cup

[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_00]: like she was going to throw it at me

[00:19:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I had it in my head

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_00]: to bolt the second she moved

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_00]: because I could see it so clearly

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_00]: but then she started crying

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: loudly

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and kept asking why I would do this to her

[00:19:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and actually hoped I found happiness

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_00]: with someone better

[00:19:29] [SPEAKER_00]: since she clearly wasn't enough for me

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_00]: despite doing everything

[00:19:32] [SPEAKER_00]: to be a good girlfriend

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like shit

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and people were staring

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00]: so I wished her well

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and asked if she wanted me

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to call a friend

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: but she told me

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_00]: to leave her the fuck alone

[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_00]: so I did

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I hated how I handled the breakup

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_00]: but it felt in the moment

[00:19:47] [SPEAKER_00]: like autopilot

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_00]: in short order

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I lost the support of our mutual friends

[00:19:52] [SPEAKER_00]: who had become my only friends

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: during my relationship with Nicole

[00:19:54] [SPEAKER_00]: which I understood

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_00]: as they knew her for much longer

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Jack actually confronted me

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and called me a piece of shit

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: for embarrassing her like that in public

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_00]: calling me trash

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_00]: for leaving her sobbing alone

[00:20:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and not even offering her a ride home

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_00]: he wouldn't listen to my explanations

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and said I could excuse myself

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: but everyone now knows

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_00]: what kind of guy I am

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_00]: people at work mentioned

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_00]: how sad it was that we broke up

[00:20:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't feel like

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_00]: it was the place to explain my reasoning

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and after the confrontation with Jack

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't feel like I had the right to

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like crap

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_00]: like a shit person

[00:20:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and I felt numb

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to move on

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to find a new normal

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_00]: after about a month of us being broke up

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_00]: she called me

[00:20:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and begged me to come over to help her

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_00]: she was scared she'd hurt herself

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I went to her immediately

[00:20:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I held her all night

[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_00]: helped her wash her hair

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_00]: after days of not being able to bring herself to

[00:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: she admitted

[00:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd done a horrible thing

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_00]: that she couldn't stand how she treated me

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_00]: that she wished she could go back

[00:20:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and change that

[00:20:48] [SPEAKER_00]: so we could still be together

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't know how to address that

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I just stayed with her the whole night

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and the next day at work

[00:20:55] [SPEAKER_00]: she came by to drop off a homemade lunch

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and to thank me for being there for her

[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_00]: stupidly let myself get sucked back in

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and get that as my fault

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_00]: coffee in the morning became dinner

[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and drinks out became movie nights

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and going to shows

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and flea markets together

[00:21:09] [SPEAKER_00]: because we still had similar interests

[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_00]: one time she even noticed a booth

[00:21:12] [SPEAKER_00]: with knives and directed us away

[00:21:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and while yes it wasn't necessary

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_00]: as I could see a nice display

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and not be freaked out

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_00]: it was a nice gesture

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_00]: because before we'd have gone there

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and either bought one herself

[00:21:23] [SPEAKER_00]: or asked me to buy it for her

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_00]: one of multiple changes that made me think

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_00]: she was truly making an effort

[00:21:28] [SPEAKER_00]: but at the least

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER_00]: we could maybe be friends again

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I started to get invited back into the group somewhat

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_00]: two months later

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_00]: she kissed me

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_00]: we were both drunk

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and it didn't go any further

[00:21:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't talk to her about it

[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_00]: because I thought she didn't remember

[00:21:42] [SPEAKER_00]: but then she approached me to ask

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00]: if there was any salvaging us

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_00]: if she'd proven that she was different now

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and things would be better

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought maybe

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I stayed because she really had been so sweet

[00:21:53] [SPEAKER_00]: it was like starting over

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and we got back together

[00:21:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I was permitted back into the friend group in full

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_00]: though Crystal had stopped talking to everyone

[00:22:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and Jack still refused to talk to me

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and while it was still awkward at first

[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_00]: soon enough we're acting like

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_00]: we'd never stop being friends for even a minute

[00:22:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt so good to be back to normal

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_00]: it was like a weight off my chest

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and like I could breathe again

[00:22:14] [SPEAKER_00]: it was nice for a while

[00:22:16] [SPEAKER_00]: she was so careful about the knives thing

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_00]: it really did feel so normal and steady

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_00]: sure we had small fights

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_00]: but we always made up shortly after

[00:22:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and she'd be overwhelmingly loving after the fact

[00:22:26] [SPEAKER_00]: it felt like it was before

[00:22:27] [SPEAKER_00]: so it felt normal

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't pinpoint when it started to creep back

[00:22:31] [SPEAKER_00]: but maybe she started watching documentaries on her phone

[00:22:34] [SPEAKER_00]: with a sound up high

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and while sitting next to me

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_00]: or she'd poke or grab me

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_00]: while I was cutting up dinner

[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_00]: then laugh at my startled response

[00:22:41] [SPEAKER_00]: or she'd scoff if I teared up watching

[00:22:44] [SPEAKER_00]: or reading something

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and tell me later that it was out of fondness

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00]: not exasperation

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and I really needed to stop reading so much into it

[00:22:51] [SPEAKER_00]: or she'd yell at me for forgetting something

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_00]: that she never even told me about

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and then the next day

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd get frustrated that I didn't insist properly

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_00]: that she was mistaken

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00]: it's like it was all small things

[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_00]: that on their own weren't even that big of a deal

[00:23:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and I didn't feel like I could just speak up about it

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_00]: or else I was nitpicking her

[00:23:07] [SPEAKER_00]: in hindsight I was making excuses

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and clinging to when she was nice to me

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to do anything to make sure

[00:23:13] [SPEAKER_00]: we just stayed happy and without bumps

[00:23:15] [SPEAKER_00]: part of it was that I knew now that I'd be alone

[00:23:18] [SPEAKER_00]: that no one would understand

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_00]: why throw away a good relationship

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_00]: that being with her was the best thing

[00:23:23] [SPEAKER_00]: that could ever happen to me

[00:23:25] [SPEAKER_00]: we moved in together four months

[00:23:26] [SPEAKER_00]: after getting back together

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_00]: she was hinting around

[00:23:29] [SPEAKER_00]: that it was the only way to prove

[00:23:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that I've forgiven her

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and that we could move on and be happy

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_00]: she insisted I move into her place

[00:23:35] [SPEAKER_00]: because it was easier to move an apartment

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_00]: into a house than the other way around

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I constantly felt like she was dangling that night

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_00]: where she was suicidal over me

[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_00]: like one wrong move from me

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe the next time she wouldn't call for help

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_00]: we had fights

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_00]: she paced through the house flicking a knife

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_00]: looping from the bedroom

[00:23:52] [SPEAKER_00]: to the living room to the office

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_00]: or that every single argument

[00:23:55] [SPEAKER_00]: was really due to the fact

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I was holding a grudge over the prank

[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and we wouldn't be arguing

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_00]: if I just grew up

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and stopped taking out my trauma on her

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd tell me not to piss her off

[00:24:05] [SPEAKER_00]: because it'd be too easy for her to make a mistake

[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and no one would think twice about what happened

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_00]: a few times she'd gone on a rampage

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and overturned tables

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and threw glasses into a sink and dishwasher

[00:24:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and said we were done for good

[00:24:18] [SPEAKER_00]: only for the next day to blow up my phone

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_00]: begging me to talk this out

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_00]: or have friends encourage me

[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to swallow my pride and go back to her

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_00]: because she's miserable without me

[00:24:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and she's trying so hard

[00:24:28] [SPEAKER_00]: or she'd just wake me with a kiss

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_00]: after making me sleep on the couch

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_00]: as if the night before never happened

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_00]: if I asked about the night before

[00:24:35] [SPEAKER_00]: the fight would start all over

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_00]: yet this time it'd be my fault

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00]: because she was trying to move on

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_00]: but I was holding a grudge

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_00]: the following nearly 10 months

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: were the most terrifying

[00:24:44] [SPEAKER_00]: anxiety-riddled period of my life

[00:24:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and I only had myself to blame

[00:24:48] [SPEAKER_00]: coming home from work

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I puked my guts out

[00:24:50] [SPEAKER_00]: more than a few times on the way

[00:24:52] [SPEAKER_00]: just because I didn't want to go back to her

[00:24:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt trapped

[00:24:55] [SPEAKER_00]: she threw away the blanket

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_00]: my mother had knitted me for my crib

[00:24:58] [SPEAKER_00]: because it was dirty

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_00]: it wasn't dirty

[00:25:00] [SPEAKER_00]: it was a knit blanket

[00:25:02] [SPEAKER_00]: that had been repaired repeatedly

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and hand washed frequently

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_00]: so she had accidentally put it through the wash

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and destroyed it

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_00]: then bought a completely different throw blanket

[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_00]: as a replacement

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and got mad when I didn't consider the matter resolved

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: she pulled another prank

[00:25:16] [SPEAKER_00]: this time with a fake positive pregnancy test

[00:25:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and berated me for not being overjoyed

[00:25:20] [SPEAKER_00]: because I immediately started panicking about the cost

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_00]: bringing up a child in our dysfunction

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and handling the stress

[00:25:26] [SPEAKER_00]: rather than being excited

[00:25:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like she wanted me to be happy

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00]: so that she could crush my joy

[00:25:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and so was angry with that

[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't play to her expectation

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that night she threatened me with the knife

[00:25:37] [SPEAKER_00]: pointing it at me and saying

[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_00]: that she should just snip me right then

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_00]: since I didn't want to have kids with her

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and then held me as I sobbed

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_00]: because I went into a panic

[00:25:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want her touching me

[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_00]: but I didn't know what else to do

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_00]: but let her and apologized to her

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_00]: another time she put a knife to her own throat

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: during a fight

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and said I clearly wanted her to kill herself

[00:25:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and didn't stop until I screamed at her

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00]: begging her to stop

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes when driving

[00:26:01] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd start speeding and swerving

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_00]: or closing her eyes while on the highway

[00:26:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and saying my fear meant I didn't trust her

[00:26:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Nicole just kept getting worse by the day

[00:26:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I remember waking up one morning with a moment of clarity

[00:26:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I knew she'd eventually kill me

[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I was sleeping next to my murderer

[00:26:17] [SPEAKER_00]: it wasn't enough to push me away

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_00]: the escape in her orbit seemed like too much

[00:26:22] [SPEAKER_00]: more than I could handle

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_00]: everything I had in me was focused on just surviving day to day

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I never knew if she'd break up with me on a whim

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: or pick a fight

[00:26:30] [SPEAKER_00]: or be constantly pushing me closer to a panic attack all night

[00:26:34] [SPEAKER_00]: or if she'd flip and be so sweet and caring

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like every day was Russian roulette hour to hour

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_00]: every word I said or action I did or didn't do

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: a chance to start a raging fight

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd tossed out my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication one night

[00:26:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and then during the resulting argument

[00:26:51] [SPEAKER_00]: she made a big show of forgiving me for raising my voice

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I shouldn't have done that so I have no excuse

[00:26:57] [SPEAKER_00]: then helping me call in an emergency refill

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_00]: four weeks after because I said I wanted to break up during the argument

[00:27:03] [SPEAKER_00]: she would ask if I was going to try to run away

[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_00]: every time that something went wrong

[00:27:08] [SPEAKER_00]: take out order wrong, I spilled a cup of water

[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_00]: streaming service not working immediately

[00:27:13] [SPEAKER_00]: oh don't get your panties in a twist and run off

[00:27:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and do I have to worry about you leaving me over this mistake too

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_00]: eventually that tapered off

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_00]: but maybe once a month during a fight

[00:27:23] [SPEAKER_00]: she would tearfully go to our friends and ask them to mediate

[00:27:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and during the meeting say that I kept threatening to leave her again over nothing

[00:27:30] [SPEAKER_00]: how scared she was of losing me when she didn't know what set me off

[00:27:34] [SPEAKER_00]: more than a few times she showed me text from where friends were saying

[00:27:38] [SPEAKER_00]: she deserved better and didn't need to put up with me

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_00]: but she'd tell me I don't listen to them because I love you anyway

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd slap me and push me during arguments

[00:27:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I could never do anything right

[00:27:49] [SPEAKER_00]: because even doing what she wanted with that argument

[00:27:52] [SPEAKER_00]: or not looking her in the eye could be enough to send her off the rails

[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes a joke just in general of one of our friends

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_00]: would put out a little pack of tissues and hand it over to me

[00:28:01] [SPEAKER_00]: in case I'd run out

[00:28:02] [SPEAKER_00]: or make a production of hiding the butter knife at dinner under the napkin

[00:28:06] [SPEAKER_00]: it was humiliating but if I spoke up

[00:28:08] [SPEAKER_00]: suddenly I was oversensitive and embarrassment

[00:28:11] [SPEAKER_00]: no fun and I had to learn how to deal with adult friendships and jokes

[00:28:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and they'd ask her how she could stand it

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_00]: as a result I didn't spend much time with them either

[00:28:20] [SPEAKER_00]: usually Nicole would just go out with them and I'd stay home

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_00]: which was the most relaxing thing I've ever felt during that time

[00:28:27] [SPEAKER_00]: except for when she started randomly coming home without notice or timeline

[00:28:30] [SPEAKER_00]: like saying she'd be home at six

[00:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: but then not coming back till midnight or early morning

[00:28:34] [SPEAKER_00]: saying she'd be gone till 10 and coming back at two or three

[00:28:38] [SPEAKER_00]: or randomly calling the house phone to make sure I was home

[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and getting angry if she even thought I sounded breathless

[00:28:44] [SPEAKER_00]: accusing me of having left

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_00]: she started hinting around that marriage would be the logical next step

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and I was insulting her by not having proposed yet

[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_00]: then she bought an engagement ring with my credit card

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and started showing off to all of her friends how perfect my choice was

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to marry her

[00:29:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt bad for not wanting to marry her

[00:29:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted us to be happy and maybe giving her the wedding she wanted would help

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to marry her

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_00]: in all those months I never went to sleep feeling safe

[00:29:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I lied awake in bed hyper aware of how close she was

[00:29:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and trying to get over in my head if I've behaved well enough to keep her happy

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_00]: what I could do to prevent another explosion

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and hindsight is sickening how long I let this go on

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_00]: in the moment it was just about all I could think to do

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I often woke up with nightmares which in turn would piss her off

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and set her off in a mood for the next day

[00:29:33] [SPEAKER_00]: but if I suggested sleeping separately

[00:29:35] [SPEAKER_00]: she'd rage about how I was calling her a shitty girlfriend, fiance etc

[00:29:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I started to keep a notebook at work and just writing shit down

[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_00]: things she had done or said, incidents and what I'd done to set her off

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_00]: it helped me feel more sane and also more like a fucking moron

[00:29:50] [SPEAKER_00]: because I could read back on those times she actually hurt me

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and I still hadn't left

[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_00]: every time I thought about leaving I felt sick inside

[00:29:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd lose every social contact I had

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd have to find a new place to live

[00:30:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd have to bar her from my workplace

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_00]: but they can't do anything without a restraining order

[00:30:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and that itself felt like a hurdle too

[00:30:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I dropped all my old friends in favor of her

[00:30:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and felt like they refused to even talk to me again

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I was the idiot that led her back into my life

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and rekindled the relationship despite overwhelming feedback

[00:30:19] [SPEAKER_00]: or stupid enough to deserve every bit of what was happening

[00:30:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and too dumb to deserve to escape after wasting my previous chances

[00:30:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I hated myself and had frequent fantasies of just ending it all

[00:30:31] [SPEAKER_00]: the worst part wasn't the anxiety and terror though

[00:30:34] [SPEAKER_00]: it was when she was sweet and caring

[00:30:36] [SPEAKER_00]: for example, she always went all out for my birthday or anniversaries or christmas

[00:30:41] [SPEAKER_00]: with thoughtful gifts

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: except for the year where she kicked me out for the evening

[00:30:44] [SPEAKER_00]: after throwing some decorations at the wall because they stopped working

[00:30:47] [SPEAKER_00]: quit she blamed me because I put them up

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: she was sweet and gentle one day or even for a week or two

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_00]: only to slowly start ramping up the tension until she exploded yet again

[00:30:58] [SPEAKER_00]: she had an uncanny ability to blame me in ways that made me feel responsible for her emotions

[00:31:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and forcing her to react violently

[00:31:05] [SPEAKER_00]: when we drove out to visit my dad for easter things started to change

[00:31:09] [SPEAKER_00]: dad was concerned about how quiet I'd become

[00:31:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and that I hadn't come for thanksgiving or christmas

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_00]: or even called on new year's eve like I used to

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_00]: but I looked tired, unhappy and thin

[00:31:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Nicole was on her best behavior the whole time

[00:31:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and even left her knives in the car

[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_00]: she even tried to get everyone to focus on the engagement ring

[00:31:26] [SPEAKER_00]: but dad still saw something was wrong

[00:31:28] [SPEAKER_00]: it was three weeks after he kept trying to contact me

[00:31:31] [SPEAKER_00]: but she still wouldn't let me talk without her in the room

[00:31:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and she checked my phone anytime she left me alone

[00:31:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and checked the records online to see if I deleted any calls

[00:31:40] [SPEAKER_00]: eventually I managed to get a burner phone and hid it at work

[00:31:43] [SPEAKER_00]: which allowed me to talk to my dad freely

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_00]: she flew over with my uncle and they helped me gather my stuff from our house

[00:31:49] [SPEAKER_00]: when Nicole started sobbing and begging me to stay

[00:31:51] [SPEAKER_00]: my uncle kept her from the kitchen knives and had his phone ready to call 911

[00:31:55] [SPEAKER_00]: if she tried to hurt herself or us

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_00]: when Nicole started to insist I was taking her stuff too

[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_00]: even though I was taking things either I brought with me or I brought for me

[00:32:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I just let it go

[00:32:05] [SPEAKER_00]: she got to keep a few sentimental items of mine

[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and the loss hurt still

[00:32:09] [SPEAKER_00]: but the most important ones I was able to take

[00:32:11] [SPEAKER_00]: like I was able to get all my documentation and cards out of her house

[00:32:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't even bother with the ring

[00:32:16] [SPEAKER_00]: it was just money and she was already acting up

[00:32:20] [SPEAKER_00]: uncle drove my car home while dad had me fly with him

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm ashamed to admit that the months directly following the breakup

[00:32:26] [SPEAKER_00]: were almost worse than the time I spent with her

[00:32:28] [SPEAKER_00]: because I was out of survival mode and I couldn't force myself to function the way I used to

[00:32:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like a parasite on my father

[00:32:34] [SPEAKER_00]: unable to get my shit together

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_00]: falling apart over nothing

[00:32:38] [SPEAKER_00]: being so volatile it frightened me

[00:32:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm in therapy again

[00:32:42] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes I feel better like I can see a way forward

[00:32:45] [SPEAKER_00]: but then I feel like I'm back in the thick of it

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm never going back to normal and I'm permanently broken

[00:32:51] [SPEAKER_00]: worse every time I cry or get triggered or have a flashback

[00:32:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I can still hear her voice in my head

[00:32:56] [SPEAKER_00]: calling me over emotional and too sensitive

[00:32:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd be fine by now if I just got over myself

[00:33:01] [SPEAKER_00]: that what I went through wasn't that bad

[00:33:04] [SPEAKER_00]: she sent mail to my dad's house for a while

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_00]: written in letters and pleas for me to see reason and stop overreacting

[00:33:10] [SPEAKER_00]: pictures of her that were sentimental

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_00]: guilt trips

[00:33:13] [SPEAKER_00]: at first I couldn't get a restraining order right away against her because I moved

[00:33:17] [SPEAKER_00]: something about the jurisdictions and cause

[00:33:19] [SPEAKER_00]: but when she sent those letters it helped at least make sure she couldn't continue to contact me

[00:33:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I found my old laptop a while ago and it had the password pre-populated

[00:33:28] [SPEAKER_00]: it wouldn't leave my mind especially when I read what people were saying

[00:33:32] [SPEAKER_00]: right now I'm just rambling to get my head straight to be honest

[00:33:35] [SPEAKER_00]: but my dns were full of people saying how the sex must be amazing

[00:33:39] [SPEAKER_00]: how stupid guys get when they want to stick their dick in something

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have the balls or a backbone clearly and I just need to man up

[00:33:45] [SPEAKER_00]: basically everything I told myself to remind me of what I did to deserve being stuck with her

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if I can muster up the courage to address any responses to them but

[00:33:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I really just want to tie up this loose end in my life so maybe

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I can stop rehashing it mentally and finally move on

[00:33:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I might also give my therapist the notebook I kept that Nicole's abuse

[00:34:03] [SPEAKER_00]: but I haven't wanted to even look for it

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_00]: there's still a box of shit that I haven't opened up because it's all

[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_00]: fucked with my head so much

[00:34:10] [SPEAKER_00]: what I wish I knew at the start of all this was

[00:34:12] [SPEAKER_00]: any amount of genuine discomfort is an acceptable price in a relationship

[00:34:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and you're allowed to stop giving them more chances even if they're trying and seem sorry

[00:34:20] [SPEAKER_00]: you're not obligated to help people change even if you love them

[00:34:23] [SPEAKER_00]: even if they do slightly better

[00:34:26] [SPEAKER_00]: wow I can absolutely feel my heart pounding for OP during the update about what they went

[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_00]: through the way the abuse OP suffered the way that she made sure to keep him in that

[00:34:39] [SPEAKER_00]: None of this is OP's fault

[00:34:40] [SPEAKER_00]: she knew exactly what she was doing to keep him there

[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_00]: to keep him trapped in that situation

[00:34:45] [SPEAKER_00]: playing mind games with him using his trauma against him

[00:34:49] [SPEAKER_00]: typical isolation tactics keeping them away from his family

[00:34:52] [SPEAKER_00]: checking his phone and those so-called friends

[00:34:56] [SPEAKER_00]: they're not friends let's put let's get that out there straight away

[00:34:59] [SPEAKER_00]: backing her up to keep you in that relationship out of the same time man

[00:35:03] [SPEAKER_00]: OP what you have been through

[00:35:05] [SPEAKER_00]: don't blame yourself in any way shape or form you was asking why didn't you leave

[00:35:09] [SPEAKER_00]: it's because you were being abused leaving abusive relationships isn't easy

[00:35:15] [SPEAKER_00]: but I'm just so glad that you was able to get yourself out of that place

[00:35:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and hopefully move on for the better with therapy

[00:35:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and just reading that I just felt like you was in an incredibly dangerous situation

[00:35:27] [SPEAKER_00]: most of the way through that

[00:35:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's a real scary thought to think that Nicole and those friends are still out there

[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_00]: once again I'm incredibly sorry you had to go through the OP

[00:35:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and I do wish you all the love and support

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and ignore those DMs who's on about like the backbone

[00:35:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know you don't have balls or a backbone or any of that shit

[00:35:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and they're fucking morons but wow oh I need a rest after that one

[00:35:52] [SPEAKER_00]: what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:35:55] [SPEAKER_00]: let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:35:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and once again thank you for being here today

[00:36:00] [SPEAKER_00]: getting involved in the stories you'll love you'll support your time

[00:36:03] [SPEAKER_00]: always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much

[00:36:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and hopefully I'll see you in the next one

[00:36:08] [SPEAKER_00]: take care and much love