My Girlfriend Said If I Choose My Sister's Wedding Over Her Birthday, We're Over r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Ich bastle mir einen Roboter-Kopf aus einem Amazon-Karton. Ich habe ihn silbern angemalt.

[00:00:07] Wir bei Amazon verwenden immer häufiger Papiertüten anstatt Kartons.

[00:00:12] Und jetzt bastle ich mir ein Papierflugzeug mit einem Piloten und Fenstern.

[00:00:16] Nur eine der vielen Maßnahmen, wie wir das Gewicht unserer Verpackungen seit 2015 um mehr als 40% reduziert haben. Das ist viel besser für den Planeten.

[00:00:25] Papa, wo ist die Schere?

[00:00:26] Und zum Spielen. Um mehr zu erfahren, besuche about amazon.de-nachhaltigkeit.

[00:01:00] Für Prioritzeiing My Sister's Wedding Over My Girlfriend's Birthday After She Gave Me An Ultimatum.

[00:01:07] My Girlfriend Lisa and I have been together for two years.

[00:01:11] Her Birthday is coming up and she's been planning a big celebration with friends and family for months.

[00:01:16] It's a milestone birthday for her and she's really excited about it because she's always felt her birthdays haven't been celebrated properly in the past.

[00:01:25] Here's where it gets complicated.

[00:01:26] My Sister Jane Just Announced Her Wedding Date And It's The Same Weekend As Lisa's Birthday

[00:01:32] Jane and her fiancé had to move their wedding up due to some family health issues.

[00:01:37] And now it's a small intimate ceremony that means a lot to her.

[00:01:42] Jane asked me to be part of the wedding party and as her only sibling, it's important for me to be there.

[00:01:48] When I broke the news to Lisa, she was devastated.

[00:01:51] She feels that her birthday should be a priority, especially since I've known about it for so long.

[00:01:57] She's also hurt because she's planned this big event with her closest people and my absence would be noticeable.

[00:02:04] I suggested celebrating her birthday a day earlier or later or even me flying back the next morning, but she wasn't having any of it.

[00:02:13] Things escalated when Lisa gave me an ultimatum.

[00:02:17] Either I attend her birthday party or we are done.

[00:02:20] She feels that this is a test of my commitment to our relationship and argues that if I loved her, I would prioritize her special day.

[00:02:28] I explained that my sister's wedding is a once in a lifetime event and I can't miss it.

[00:02:33] But she insists I'm choosing my family over her.

[00:02:36] Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[00:02:39] My family thinks it's obvious I should go to my sister's wedding.

[00:02:43] But some of our mutual friends say that Lisa has a point and that birthdays are important milestones in a relationship.

[00:02:50] I don't want to hurt either of them, but I can't be in two places at once.

[00:02:54] I'm I the asshole for prioritizing my sister's wedding over my girlfriend's birthday after she gave me an ultimatum.

[00:03:02] Edit.

[00:03:03] Little update.

[00:03:04] After this post, I text and called her out on her behavior.

[00:03:07] And now she is crying saying I don't even care for her.

[00:03:10] I'm trying to calm her down, but she is really crying a lot.

[00:03:14] Did a little video call to see her face.

[00:03:17] I don't know what to do, bruh.

[00:03:19] Edit.

[00:03:20] A little more update.

[00:03:21] I think now she's calmed down a bit and is understanding my point of view.

[00:03:25] I said I'll either try to rush things and be on both sides for a small time or celebrate a grand one next time slash day whenever she likes.

[00:03:33] Now she said okay and then wrote a long ass emotional paragraph on how much she loves me.

[00:03:39] After reading that, even I got emotional.

[00:03:42] I don't know if it was genuine or not though.

[00:03:45] The people asking will be her 21st.

[00:03:48] And we have a further update in a moment.

[00:03:52] So on the back of this one, fierce femme asks OP.

[00:03:55] They said did your sister move it up to that weekend knowing about the birthday weekend?

[00:03:59] Or did they just move it up and didn't realize until you told them it was the same date as her birthday?

[00:04:05] OP says the latter.

[00:04:07] They don't even know it's her birthday.

[00:04:09] She has femme replied and says so am I not the asshole still stands and that it's a red flag that she's giving you an ultimatum.

[00:04:16] Private Crush says go to the wedding.

[00:04:17] You'll break up with Lisa at some point because compromise is not in her vocabulary.

[00:04:22] You won't want to look back on choosing the party over the wedding.

[00:04:26] Plus, if you have a seriously ill family member, you don't want to miss a family get together.

[00:04:31] OP says indeed that's what I thought and text her a while ago about her behavior.

[00:04:35] Now she's crying saying that I don't care for her.

[00:04:38] Any advice as to what to give her as a solid reply?

[00:04:42] Tinky Nicole says just tell her that you do care about her, but she doesn't seem to care enough about you to even try and compromise with you on attending both.

[00:04:51] Since she gave you an ultimatum, you chose your sister and your sick family members.

[00:04:56] Because if you chose her, you'd resent her for missing out on the special day for your sister and end up leaving her anyway.

[00:05:03] Jaws and Smalls says sounds like you guys are just done.

[00:05:06] She's felt most of her birthdays have been ignored and wants this milestone birthday to be special.

[00:05:11] And that's valid.

[00:05:13] She's planned it in advance and now you're backing out.

[00:05:16] With pretty good reason that she has a point that her birthday party was planned and you committed.

[00:05:21] I wouldn't do what she's doing.

[00:05:23] I almost never celebrate my birthday on the exact day, but I don't know.

[00:05:27] I kind of see her point of view.

[00:05:29] She wants to feel special and prioritized and by your pending actions will feel the exact opposite.

[00:05:34] That's it.

[00:05:35] That said, your sister moved up the date for a pretty solid reason and you're her only sibling.

[00:05:40] So that does trump her birthday party.

[00:05:42] Just take her up on the ultimatum because either she meant it and you guys are done or she's manipulative and that's not good.

[00:05:49] Not the asshole.

[00:05:51] I can understand being a bit bummed out if you've planned a day and you're looking forward to a special day like that.

[00:05:58] But when you know the reason, especially a wedding being brought forward because of family health issues, in my opinion, that trumps a birthday party like that.

[00:06:08] Obviously, it sucks.

[00:06:09] It sucks that you won't be having that party, but to give an ultimatum on the back of that as well.

[00:06:14] Basically, if I was in the girlfriend's position, I would totally understand where OP is coming from and would want to support them in that way.

[00:06:22] But then again, I'm not someone who gets super excited about birthday planning and all that sort of stuff.

[00:06:27] You know, I can do it any day really.

[00:06:29] But OP came in with her update and says, first, thank you all for your feedback on my original post.

[00:06:34] I decided to go to my sister Jane's wedding, but things have gotten a bit more complicated since then.

[00:06:40] I told Lisa that I'll be attending the wedding.

[00:06:43] She was understandably upset and cried a lot.

[00:06:46] She loved bombed me, sharing me with affection and promises,

[00:06:50] and finally agreed that we could celebrate her birthday the next day.

[00:06:54] I thought we had come to a reasonable compromise.

[00:06:57] During the wedding weekend, Lisa texted and called constantly with various problems.

[00:07:02] She claimed her car had broken down and she didn't know what to do.

[00:07:06] Then she said she had an urgent work issue she needed my help with.

[00:07:10] At one point, she sent me a series of frantic messages about our dog acting strangely,

[00:07:15] only to later admit he was perfectly fine.

[00:07:19] Lisa also pulled some weird stunts to disturb me.

[00:07:21] She sent a food delivery to my hotel room with a note saying,

[00:07:25] wish you were here, and even called the hotel pretending to be me to leave a message saying my presence was needed at home urgently.

[00:07:34] It was bizarre and stressful, but I tried to stay focused on supporting my sister.

[00:07:39] When I got back, I went straight to see Lisa.

[00:07:42] She kissed and hugged me a lot, acting overly affectionate.

[00:07:46] However, since then, she'd been continuously taunting me about ignoring her for the wedding.

[00:07:51] She makes passive aggressive comments like,

[00:07:54] I guess family is more important than I am, and hope Jane's wedding was worth abandoning me.

[00:08:00] I'm at a loss for how to feel.

[00:08:02] On one hand, I understand she felt neglected, but on the other hand, her behaviour during the wedding was extremely disruptive.

[00:08:10] Yet, sometimes she loves and seduces me like I doubt anyone can ever do it that lovely.

[00:08:15] Our relationship feels quite complicated, and I'm not sure how to move forward.

[00:08:20] Thank you all for your advice on my previous post.

[00:08:23] I'm trying to navigate the situation, but it's been tough.

[00:08:28] Critical Simple says on that one,

[00:08:30] There are more red flags in Lisa's behaviour than at a Communist Party meeting.

[00:08:34] Get out while you can.

[00:08:35] Ash Prostato replies that saying,

[00:08:38] More red flags than mine sweeper on hard.

[00:08:41] Far Season says,

[00:08:43] Look man, she's really showing you who she is.

[00:08:45] That's what life is going to be like with her, whereby she expects everything to revolve around her.

[00:08:50] If you want to sign up for that, then go ahead, but I'd personally cut bait.

[00:08:55] Ad Euphoric says,

[00:08:57] I agree. This woman is not only immature, but a manipulator.

[00:09:00] Anything that doesn't go her way, expect this dramatic, crazy behaviour.

[00:09:05] It's way out of the bounds of normal.

[00:09:07] She needs help.

[00:09:09] That would have been me checked out of that relationship.

[00:09:11] As soon as she started pulling those schemes when you went to the wedding,

[00:09:15] Sounds absolutely batshit crazy to me.

[00:09:18] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:09:22] What would you have picked to begin with?

[00:09:24] The birthday? The wedding?

[00:09:26] Was there some other compromise?

[00:09:28] How would you have dealt with the behaviour afterwards?

[00:09:30] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:09:33] And let's move on to another story.

[00:09:37] Now, our next story comes from Objective National 517, who says,

[00:09:43] Am I the arsehole here for telling my fiancee there will be no wedding if she keeps insisting I invite my parents?

[00:09:50] So, some backstory.

[00:09:52] My dad left the family and went no contact when I, 35 male, was 4.

[00:09:57] My mum remarried and had two kids with my stepdad.

[00:10:01] My stepdad never treated me poorly but always made clear that I was Dale, fake name to him.

[00:10:06] He was not my dad.

[00:10:08] My mum never tried to fix a relationship and honestly loved her new family and always saw me as a burden.

[00:10:15] That's what I thought at least until it was confirmed after my freshman year of college when my mum asked me not to come home anymore.

[00:10:21] I blocked her after that phone call and have had no contact with her or my stepdad and half brother since then.

[00:10:28] I do still speak to my half sister, 25 female, at her insistence but that's my only contact.

[00:10:34] It took me a long time to deal with basically being kicked out of my family.

[00:10:38] I grew to be pretty independent and thought I'd live alone until I met my fiancee, 28 female, 4 years ago.

[00:10:45] We've had a great relationship and her family opened up and invited me in with open arms.

[00:10:50] She comes from a pretty typical suburban family and they are great.

[00:10:55] Over the years I've told her about my issues with my family.

[00:10:58] She has met my sister and she never pushed for more.

[00:11:00] Until we started planning the wedding.

[00:11:03] When we started talking about who we'd invite, I talked about friends from college and co-workers and she kept saying that I should invite my parents.

[00:11:11] At first I thought she was trying to gauge if I wanted to.

[00:11:14] I said I would not be inviting my parents.

[00:11:17] She said okay, then brought it up again the next day.

[00:11:20] I calmly explained how much they hurt me, how growing up feeling you were unwanted and then having it confirmed at 19 really stunted my mental health.

[00:11:29] That over the years I've realized it's their problem and if they want to solve it, they can initiate.

[00:11:35] But I am in contact with my sister and it's clear they're happy insisting I don't exist.

[00:11:40] It sucks but it's their problem that they have thrust onto me.

[00:11:44] I can't be the one to solve it.

[00:11:46] I thought it had ended but she has brought it up two more times.

[00:11:49] The last one was last night.

[00:11:51] We're about to start to save the dates and she said, are you sure you don't want to invite your parents?

[00:11:56] I feel like I might just invite them on my side.

[00:11:59] And I snapped.

[00:12:00] I told her we should probably just throw the invitations away because if you can't respect what I've been through then I don't want to marry you.

[00:12:07] I then went to our bedroom and fumed for a while.

[00:12:10] She came in to try to talk to me and I walked out, grabbed my keys and left.

[00:12:14] I came back around 11pm after hanging with friends and slept on the couch.

[00:12:18] She left for work without a word to me and I don't know where we stand.

[00:12:22] Her behavior is unacceptable and I feel like I may have gone too far.

[00:12:27] What do you all think?

[00:12:28] Am I the asshole here?

[00:12:31] There were some comments to the OP with replies.

[00:12:34] First one said, she's already in contact with your parents.

[00:12:37] This particular kind of obliviousness doesn't start with asking permission but rather begging forgiveness.

[00:12:43] OP says, I don't think so.

[00:12:45] I go to dinner or talk with my sister every Thursday night and she would hint if my mum and Dale wanted to reconcile.

[00:12:52] They don't.

[00:12:53] They honestly are happy at pretending I don't exist.

[00:12:56] Another commenter says, I don't think you're the asshole.

[00:12:59] But saying this probably hurt her quite a bit.

[00:13:01] Especially if she's well intentioned.

[00:13:04] Please know what I'm saying is coming from a place of having horrible drug addicted parents myself.

[00:13:09] People with parents that abandoned them slash didn't care for them are understandably very sensitive when someone tries to push us on the issue.

[00:13:16] We spend our lives having to build our own foundation and walls to build our emotional houses.

[00:13:21] Threatening that house is something that can cause us to react significantly more aggressive than it necessarily warrants.

[00:13:27] Your future wife sees the situation from a perspective of coming from a happy family.

[00:13:32] She wants your wedding to be an opportunity for you to have reconciliation and a new fulfilling start.

[00:13:38] She wants your future children to know both sets of grandparents.

[00:13:42] That does not make her right for continuing to bring it up but unlike a lot of the responses in here.

[00:13:47] I highly doubt her intentions are malicious so when you threaten to break off the marriage for something where she feels she's wanting to help you in earnest, it's going to sting quite a bit.

[00:13:57] My wife is also from a loving family.

[00:13:59] There are things she doesn't understand even with detailed explanation.

[00:14:04] That's okay.

[00:14:05] In a way, I love the blind spot but sometimes it can cause situations like what you were describing.

[00:14:10] I think it might be good to take a step back.

[00:14:13] Sounds like you two care about each other quite a bit.

[00:14:16] Apologize for threatening to break up the marriage in the heat of the moment.

[00:14:19] Assure her that you love her.

[00:14:21] Explain how serious it is that you do not want to be in contact with those people.

[00:14:24] Be wary of these knee-jerk Reddit responses.

[00:14:28] Don't throw your life away because of what idiots on the internet say, how things should or shouldn't be.

[00:14:34] Relationships take a lot of flexibility and humility.

[00:14:38] OP responded to that and said thank you.

[00:14:40] This is very helpful.

[00:14:42] But OP did come back in to update the post and said I'm very overwhelmed by the response.

[00:14:48] So many thoughtful responses.

[00:14:50] Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.

[00:14:52] I thought I would give an update.

[00:14:55] My fiancee normally gets home around 5.30pm.

[00:14:58] So after I was done working, I worked from home, I waited for her to show up.

[00:15:03] Got very worried when it was 6 and she still wasn't home.

[00:15:07] But around 6.15pm she shows up with my sister which was a big surprise.

[00:15:11] While my sister and I connect every Thursday.

[00:15:13] We live 45 minutes away from each other so her popping by is not normal.

[00:15:18] Both of them looked very anxious so I was very confused.

[00:15:23] I asked them what was going on and my sister just burst into tears and saying she's sorry.

[00:15:28] After like 5 minutes of her losing her shit, she starts talking about the family.

[00:15:33] So apparently, when she told my mom and Dale that I got engaged, it started a rift between them.

[00:15:38] Not because they cared about me, but about how my half brother, which is 27, is still living at home.

[00:15:44] Single, with no steady job.

[00:15:46] If you're thinking, wow, they kicked you out at 19 but let him stay there past when he could rent a car.

[00:15:52] Don't worry, I said it out loud.

[00:15:54] My mom apparently wants to do the same to my half brother but Dale wouldn't let her.

[00:15:59] So they are currently separated.

[00:16:01] With my mom living with family and refusing to come back until my half brother is out of the house.

[00:16:06] For some reason, that defies all logic and reason my sister thinks getting an invite to my wedding will bring the family together.

[00:16:13] Since it was my engagement that caused the rift.

[00:16:15] At this, I blew up a bit.

[00:16:17] I told her that my engagement had nothing to do with it.

[00:16:20] But their shitty parenting and poor relationship skills caused it.

[00:16:24] And don't put that shit on me.

[00:16:26] She cried even harder.

[00:16:27] And this time, I was not going to console her.

[00:16:30] My fiance is just sitting there the whole time while my sister is trying to get herself together.

[00:16:35] I questioned my fiance about this.

[00:16:37] She also tears up a bit but tells me that my sister was telling her about how I always bring up family on our Thursday.

[00:16:43] That deep down, I wanted to repair the relationship.

[00:16:47] I asked how she could believe that when I was very clear that I was no contact with my family.

[00:16:51] I had never imagined wanting to be in contact.

[00:16:54] I told her that I'd tell her everything and would never hold back something like this without talking to her.

[00:16:59] She's always been my sounding board.

[00:17:01] When I switched jobs last year, we talked about it every night and her advice mattered more than anyone else.

[00:17:08] She apologized and then wanted to show me her phone.

[00:17:11] Specifically, the messages between her and my sister.

[00:17:14] At this point, my sister perks up and asks her not to show the phone conversation.

[00:17:19] But my fiance tells her she's trying to save a relationship.

[00:17:23] My sister has just been straight up lying about our Thursday conversations.

[00:17:27] Saying how I was always talking about reconciling.

[00:17:30] How I would never admit it but I'm partially at fault too.

[00:17:34] How I really want to see them all again.

[00:17:36] Every time I would tell my fiance no.

[00:17:39] She would text my sister.

[00:17:40] My sister would talk about how I just couldn't be open because I was embarrassed.

[00:17:44] Just completely false.

[00:17:47] I'd be perfectly happy never seeing any of them again.

[00:17:50] I can't believe my sister still sees them.

[00:17:53] At this, I tell my half-sister to leave and that Thursdays are cancelled.

[00:17:58] My sister puts up a little bit of a fight but I ignore her until she leaves.

[00:18:02] She keeps saying sorry over and over again but honestly, I'm done with her.

[00:18:06] I've blocked her and will be no contact with her for the time being.

[00:18:10] A complete betrayal of my feelings and relationship.

[00:18:13] As for my fiance and I, I'm still very upset.

[00:18:17] She went behind my back with my sister.

[00:18:19] Never asked me about it.

[00:18:20] Let my sister manipulate her and honestly hurt me.

[00:18:24] I told her I love her but my trust is broken.

[00:18:27] We've agreed to go to couples therapy and see if we can repair the relationship.

[00:18:31] I hope we can but I'd say it's a toss up for me.

[00:18:34] She's got a lot of work to do.

[00:18:37] And there was a selection of comments below that update.

[00:18:40] Darling Diva says,

[00:18:42] Honestly, I see both sides here but lean towards caution with your fiance.

[00:18:46] She may have had good intentions trying to mend what she thought was a misunderstanding.

[00:18:50] Or fixable family rift.

[00:18:53] But good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes.

[00:18:55] Yes, she should have communicated more clearly with you about her conversations with your half-sister.

[00:19:00] But it seems likely that she was trying to create a harmonious wedding day for you.

[00:19:04] Even if it was misguided.

[00:19:06] It's true that she might not grasp the full dynamics of such a dysfunctional family situation.

[00:19:11] I haven't experienced it herself but empathy should have guided her to heed your feelings and concerns is a paramount.

[00:19:18] In a healthy relationship, your partner should respect your perspectives, especially regarding family trauma.

[00:19:24] Transparency and trust are foundations here.

[00:19:27] Both need repair.

[00:19:28] Contribution for a friend says,

[00:19:30] Ooh, sister, sister.

[00:19:32] She is nuts thinking a wedding will fix anything.

[00:19:34] And lying to your fiance.

[00:19:36] Why didn't she ask you about this especially?

[00:19:39] Honey, I talked with your sister and I'm confused about this.

[00:19:42] Can we talk deeper?

[00:19:43] The end.

[00:19:45] I postponed the wedding because I bet somehow someone will gossip more to your mother and Dale.

[00:19:50] I wouldn't answer the door or unknown numbers.

[00:19:54] Competitive purpose says,

[00:19:55] I was not expecting your half-sister to be the root cause for your fiance suggesting you invite your family to your wedding.

[00:20:01] I think going no contact with her is best for your mental health because I couldn't get past someone trying to destroy my own relationship for their personal gain.

[00:20:08] Depending on when your wedding date is, you may decide to postpone the wedding a few months to give you and your fiance time to strengthen your relationship again.

[00:20:16] But I think it's a great idea doing couples counseling.

[00:20:19] Since it wasn't your fiance's idea to invite your family to your wedding alone, I think you'll be more likely to trust her fully again.

[00:20:27] Good luck, OP.

[00:20:29] One more comment which says,

[00:20:31] Had your fiance been open and honest about the conversation she was having with your sister, this could have all been avoided.

[00:20:38] But since she decided to have two separate conversations, one with you and one with your sister, they decided to stage an intervention instead.

[00:20:45] If my husband or I were in a situation like this, 100% we'd have told the other what sister was saying.

[00:20:52] The fact that your fiance didn't is cause for concern.

[00:20:55] She wasn't duped.

[00:20:56] She went behind your back and is playing it off as an innocent mistake.

[00:21:00] Had she asked once and dropped it, it had been one thing, but she was relentless in trying to get them invited.

[00:21:06] I believe if this was for your benefit, she should have had you know the entire time.

[00:21:12] But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:15] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:18] If you was the OP, how would you deal with it?

[00:21:21] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:25] And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:29] Your constant love, support and time towards the channel always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:34] So thank you so, so much for being involved.

[00:21:37] And hopefully, I will see you, you bloody cheeky so-and-so, in the next one.

[00:21:43] Take care and much love.