My Girlfriend Is PUSHING Me Away By Comparing Herself To My Old Fling r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:18] Now today's first story comes from Kem E Throwaway 21 and says, My 26 male, girlfriend 26 female, of one and a half years, won't stop comparing herself to an old friend slash fling of mine. And it's really pushing me away. Melissa and I have been dating for a little less than two years. It's been an amazing relationship. Admittedly my only one, but I'm really happy with her.

[00:00:44] Melissa and I have been dating for a long time. We are both in PhD programs at the same university. It's where we met, but in different STEM fields. She'd been considering moving in together, getting pets, and overall, that's how our relationship is pretty serious. And she has even mentioned getting married before. I can definitely see a future with her, but it's still a bit early for me. And right now, I'd like to focus on my research and securing a future that can support both of us.

[00:01:09] She took that kind of harshly, but I just wasn't ready to commit to something like that yet. That was the only bump we've had until Natalia entered the picture again. Some background info. Natalia and I went to the same college for undergrad. She studies the same branch of biology that my current girlfriend studies and is a year younger than I am. We were in the same science-related clubs and a professional fraternity together and quickly became close friends.

[00:01:36] As Natalia and I had extremely similar personalities and interests, we spent weekends together. We were each other's dates to all formal events, but we never dated, even though we both liked each other and slept with each other. We were just too scared to ask the other what they wanted. It sounds silly and immature, but that's just what happened. We were essentially friends with benefits for two years, but we always knew that we had very different plans for the immediate future.

[00:02:04] I was graduating before her and she was going to move to another country to work and do research before coming back to the States for a PhD. It was kind of an unspoken recognition that when I graduated, we were going to go our separate ways. But we always joked that maybe we would run into each other again since we had the same dream school for grad school. We tried to remain in contact when I left, but it was just too hard on both of us.

[00:02:29] We missed each other, but were busy with our own lives and eventually stopped talking. No hard feelings. It happens. We moved on. That was almost five years ago. Before Melissa, I used to wonder if Natalia and I could have made it together, but now that I have a girlfriend that hasn't popped into my head at all. I'm happy now, or at least I was. Last year, Natalia was accepted into the PhD program at my university. It's the same dream school we talked about years ago.

[00:02:59] I didn't know this until a little over half a year ago. One day, my girlfriend came over because she was really upset. I will spare most of the details, but basically, a professor in her department had told her that he had room for one more grad student to join him on one of his research trips to South America the following summer. My girlfriend really thought he was going to pick her because they had a pretty good relationship. He had met with her and told her that there was a new grad student that already had experience with this particular species,

[00:03:28] worked with the South American university he was collaborating with, and spoke Spanish. She was denied the position, and I tried to explain to her that some people just have different expertise. Over the next month, she would tell me more and more about this new grad student, and how everyone who met her practically fell in love with her, or found her extremely interesting. That she was super cool, fawned over her, etc, etc. It made my girlfriend extremely sad because she has always had issues with insecurity,

[00:03:57] and feeling like she has to try extra hard for people to think she's worth anything. I tried to tell my girlfriend she is great at what she does, and to stop comparing herself to other people, because it just makes her upset, but she said, No. You haven't seen her yet. She's extremely smart. She's been all over the world. She's a literal 10. Natalia is utter perfection. I kind of froze at that moment, because somehow, I immediately knew this was my friend.

[00:04:25] I kept trying to tell my girlfriend all the ways I admired her, but I realized it wasn't helping, so all I would do is listen to her and be someone she could vent to. I admit, I was curious, but I didn't want to complicate things for Melissa, so I didn't try to contact Natalia or find out if it was even her. A few weeks later, however, I ran into her at a cafe on campus. It was really great to see her again. We sat with each other for about an hour and a half, just catching up with one another. I told her about my research, and she told me about hers.

[00:04:55] She'd accomplished so much for herself in the few years since I had seen her last, and I was so happy for her. I told her I had a girlfriend who was in the same department as she was, and she asked if we could all hang out sometime, since she was still new to the town. Natalia seemed really excited, and not at all disappointed. We exchanged numbers and parted ways. It felt evident to me that we had moved on. Whatever romantic feelings we had for each other were purely platonic now. We were both doing very well and genuinely happy.

[00:05:26] That night, I told my girlfriend that I ran into Natalia, and she was actually a really good friend of mine from college. I knew my girlfriend felt really insecure at work and in the lab, and I did not want her to feel threatened within our relationship. I suggested we all have lunch sometime so she could meet her because I actually thought they could get along. Girlfriend was kind of taken aback and immediately started asking me if I ever liked Natalia, if she was my ex, and if we dated. I said no. We never dated. We were only friends, but I did like her a lot.

[00:05:55] I reminded her that this was four years ago, and that I had not thought about her at all since I started dating girlfriend. Girlfriend left the house for the night because she said she was really stressed and didn't want to think about it right now. I felt like I had done something wrong and decided I wouldn't mention Natalia again. Ever since that night, girlfriend would ask me really strange questions like if I thought she was smart enough. Of course I think she's smart. The university we're at is one of the best in the nation. She then said,

[00:06:25] Well, you and Natalia went to XXIvyLeagueUniversity for undergrad, and I went to XXStateUniversity, so she's clearly beat me both times. I was appalled and told her there is no competition. I am with you. It doesn't matter where you went to undergrad. Look at where you are now. She just wouldn't stop talking about how much more experience Natalia has and how much better her resume probably looks. She would ask me this multiple times, and it really upsets me to see how much she works herself up over these things.

[00:06:55] What's worse is when she compares her looks to Natalia's. Lately, Melissa will not stop complaining about how pale she is, how easily she sunburns, how short her hair is, how nothing fits her well. She says, I wonder how Natalia stays so skinny. I wish I was mixed like Natalia. Natalia is so exotic looking. I always tell her how beautiful she looks, how attractive I find her. Melissa is beautiful. I love everything about her, even though she doesn't. I would never say this to Melissa.

[00:07:25] It's even difficult to write. Even though Melissa has said it to me, but Natalia is definitely more conventionally attractive. It's definitely more a conventionally attractive woman in terms of arbitrary social beauty standards,

[00:08:07] but that doesn't matter to me.

[00:08:37] I try to talk her through them, I feel like this is an appropriate amount of communication for two friends. I feel bad for never being able to hang out with her, but I know it would upset Melissa. I've been a few times when Melissa has joined me in the cafe and Natalia has sat with us. Honestly, Melissa is straight up rude to her. At first, I think she tried to be nice, but just got too upset. She either remains silent or responds with really short, cold answers. It makes me really sad because I know Melissa is struggling with insecurities,

[00:09:05] but Natalia is a really good friend of mine who has only been nice to me. She's invited me and Melissa out numerous times, and each time Melissa declines. I once told her I was going to attend a comedy show with Natalia. I was a comedian I once took Natalia to see in college, and Melissa broke down, so I decided I wouldn't ever go anywhere with Natalia unless Melissa was there too. Some of you might say, why don't you just stop talking to Natalia? Is she more important than your relationship with Melissa?

[00:09:34] I don't really know what to do. I see Natalia for two hours a week, and we don't hang out or even talk outside of that. I've given Melissa no reason to think I'm cheating or being unfaithful. Natalia has only ever been a good friend to me, and I shouldn't have to cut her out of my life, since she already plays such a little role. It feels kind of unfair to me because honestly, sometimes I wish I could see Natalia more because she's a really wonderful, interesting person. But Melissa is definitely a priority in my life,

[00:10:02] so I've kept our friendship very casual and minimal. I think there is a bigger problem in that Melissa is not the same person I entered a relationship with. She's sad, always stressed, much more cranky and snappy with me. Her insecurities make her shy away and retreat into herself, so it feels like I can never reach her anymore. She's been denying me sex and complaining about how she isn't good enough for me, and it's honestly been pushing me away from her. I find that I no longer want to deal with her insecurities and constantly validating that I love her.

[00:10:31] I've suggested therapy before I think the real problem is not Natalia, but Melissa's underlying insecurities. This is not normal and it causes her so much unnecessary stress. Melissa always says, Okay, I will think about it. When I bring it up again, she gets really defensive, asking me why I think something is wrong with her. I don't. I just think a professional will be able to help her work through her own thoughts better so she can accept herself more, because clearly, what I'm saying to her doesn't get through. It's hard to see her so unhappy.

[00:11:02] Edit because someone asked, and I should have clarified that I also told Melissa that Natalia and I slept with each other in college. I didn't hide that from her. I can see why that would upset her, but I really tried to stress how long ago it was and how I was happy with Melissa now. That the past does not affect anything about how I feel now. Now for me in this one, I think Melissa's behavior is definitely unhealthy and obsessive, and I truly do agree that she needs professional help for her insecurities.

[00:11:30] And you have to tell me whether you agree with me or not on this, because I'm curious myself. You know, it just popped into the head. So like I always say, I never think I'm correct. I mess up these comments many, many times. But I personally don't think that Opie is helping the situation by like maintaining regular lunch dates with someone that he used to sleep with. Sure, it's just two hours a week, but it seems like he's prioritizing these casual meetups over his girlfriend's mental health at the moment.

[00:11:57] You've told us many, many times within that part of the story how wonderful Natalia is and like almost like the perfect person. And I kind of wonder if Melissa's picking up on this even the slightest little bit. And Richard says, Opie says,

[00:12:43] Melissa is my first girlfriend and I'm very, very ignorant when it comes to what is considered a relationship or not. I think that was a big part of why it was so hard for me to realize why having lunch with her was such a big deal until people started pointing out that Natalia wasn't just a friend. I'm very naive. Sorry. Another commenter says, Your girlfriend is going to push you away from her if she can't get herself into shape. No wonder you like hanging around your friend more. She sounds great. I do think you may want to talk about your issues with your girlfriend before it's too late for her

[00:13:12] and you already have one foot out the door. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to want to hang out with me or stay with me if I was negative and never wanted to have sex. I have lots of flaws like flat tits from breastfeeding and he is super sexy. I just try to be fun and not show some of my insecurities all the time because he is aware I feel that way and thinks I'm beautiful. The OP came in with a first update and said, Alright, so I posted here a few weeks ago concerning my girlfriend Melissa and my ex-friends with benefits from college, Natalia.

[00:13:41] The gist of the story was that Melissa kept comparing herself to Natalia who is a grad student in her field of biology who feels is basically the epitome of perfection. It got to the point where Melissa would spend hours staring at pics of Natalia and every time I tried to be intimate with her, she would shut me down saying she wasn't good enough. I got a lot of shit in the last post because Natalia ate lunch together a few times a week. But as a lot of commenters suggested, I eat at a different place now and no longer see Natalia.

[00:14:08] I think Natalia took the hint and we haven't spoken since I posted that. Anyway, I'm posting now because I feel Melissa's obsession with Natalia hasn't got better at all and she did something I'm not sure I consider forgivable. When I graduated from college, my mum made me a photo album of pics with me and all my friends doing whatever it is college students do. It means a lot to me because I rarely see my old friends and unfortunately one of them passed away so there are physical representations of cherished memories.

[00:14:36] Yesterday afternoon I received a Facebook message from my late friend Dan's mother. She asked me if I had any pics of Dan from our fraternity events. We're in the same professional fraternity. I said of course and that I would scan them and send them over to her. I looked through my album and suddenly shocked to find a few pictures in which Natalia was cut out of the photo. Some were just of me and her. Some were of a group of friends. After flipping a few more pages, I saw one that broke my heart.

[00:15:04] It was a picture of Natalia, Dan and a few other friends during one of our formals as we're all in the same fraternity. I kept searching through and found that this was the case for maybe 12 pictures. Three including Dan. It felt like I had swallowed a pound of rocks and I honestly just felt so angry. I knew it had to be Melissa as I would never have done this. I sent the uncut pics to Dan's mum and text Melissa asking her if she was still on campus so we could meet. When I saw her, I asked her why she cut my photos.

[00:15:34] And she said, what are you talking about? But I could tell from her face she knew she was caught. I was so furious. I told her it was extremely disrespectful and that she had no right to destroy them the way she did. I even mentioned that some of the pictures she cut were taken with a friend who had passed away and now she had ruined them. She immediately started crying, apologizing, saying she didn't know what came over her. She said she still has the pictures of Natalia and that she can put them back together.

[00:16:01] I felt like I was going to explode so I just excused myself and left. Melissa has been blowing at my phone but I haven't read any of the messages or listened to the voicemails. I feel so drained. I got a lot of shit on my last post so I bet a lot of you think I had this coming. I know I can't convince you of how hard I've tried to make Melissa feel like she's the only girl I wanted to be with. No matter how many times she asked me if she's pretty, if I find her sexy, if I think she's smart.

[00:16:28] I always tell her how amazing I find her but it just isn't enough. Maybe I should never have spoken to Natalia when I found out she was attending the same university as me. But I don't think that gives my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, the right to destroy my property. The album has literally sat on my shelf for years. It's not like I look at it every day and fawn over my ex. I've never even shown it to Melissa so she must have been snooping through my belongings. Which honestly I wouldn't even care about if she hadn't destroyed the pictures of my dead friend. Because of her petty jealousy.

[00:16:59] I just feel exhausted. I feel like I never make Melissa happy. I could have done things differently sure but I feel like she didn't even try to work on her insecurities. And confidence in herself either. The top commenter Hiacent says to the OP. Why the hell are you still in this relationship? Break up right now. Go no contact. Block her on everything. She's freaking insane. She's the type of ex that would turn into a stalker. So make sure you block her on everything you can.

[00:17:26] OP says this happened maybe 24 hours ago. And I've since made up my mind. I'm done. The past few months have completely depleted me. And this was the final straw. OP on getting the missing pieces back. He says uh. It's a good idea to try and repair them. But I don't even want to be around Melissa at this point. I feel so sick inside. I can't believe she would do this. And why did she keep the pieces? I find that so unnerving. And maybe I'll ask for them back.

[00:17:54] I think it's super weird that Melissa kept them in the first place. Like what does she do with them? I might just ask my friends or my mom if they still have the originals. How ironic is it that I'm sure Natalia has at least one of them. And if I wanted to ask her. I know she'd give them to me. Sigh. Lord says I'm sorry this happened to you man. What she did was so beyond reasonable. It was an invasion of your privacy. Destruction of cherished mementos. And completely insane. That said. She may have kept the pieces.

[00:18:22] Because she felt a little guilty about what she was doing. And thought maybe if she got caught. Having kept the pieces would make it okay. And you couldn't get mad. I wonder if she'd say that to you as a last resort. Something like. You shouldn't be that mad because I kept the pieces. You can just put it back together. As if that erases the horrible thing she did to your photo album. Glad you're breaking up with her. I'm sorry about your friend. Opie says thank you. I'll see if I can get the pieces back. And then I'm never speaking to her again.

[00:18:49] The only comfort I get out of this is that I know Dan would be laughing his head off. If he knew what happened. He had an interesting sense of humor like that. Opie came in with another update. And said dang. Can't believe I remembered the password to this account. But here we are. This time it's not really about me. But I thought it would be most appropriate to post on my account. Since it's related to my ex-girlfriend Melissa. Who I had posted about twice. Feel free to creep through the history. My ex-girlfriend Melissa was very jealous of my old friends with benefits.

[00:19:19] Slash her colleague Natalia. Her obsession was extremely unhealthy. And she did something to me that I considered unforgivable. Hence the breakup. Melissa was 8 or 9 months ago. And since then Natalia and I have rekindled our friendship. She knows why Melissa and I broke up. And felt very guilty. And she was always a good friend to me. And I like having her in my life. I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for this. And people will say they saw it coming. But whatever. I'm not asking for judgment. What's done is done. And I thought we had all moved on.

[00:19:49] Last month. Me, Natalia and a few of our friends were out playing billiards. As I was giving Natalia and her roommate a ride home. The roommate says. N. Did you tell him about the thing? Natalia responded no. And her roommate pressed her. But she stayed firm. I text her later to see what was the matter. But she assured me it was nothing. This past week. Her roommate called me and asked if we could meet up. She sat me down and said. She thinks my ex-girlfriend is stalking Natalia. I was taken aback. But not completely shocked at this accusation.

[00:20:19] Given Melissa's past. She told me that it started out with obvious fake Facebook profiles. Sending friend requests. And then vile hate messages. Then Natalia was getting calls from random numbers. That said. They were following up Craigslist escort ads with her name. Picture and number. Roommate knew about the picture situation. And immediately suspected Melissa. That was a few months ago. Last month Natalia and some friends were heading back from the movies. And a guy in Melissa's grad school cohort.

[00:20:47] Saw a car parked along Natalia Street. And said. Hey. What's Melissa doing here? This freaked her out. As she had seen that car parked there several nights a week. For the past three months. This was the thing. She didn't want to mention to me. This week. Her growth chamber was contaminated. Apparently someone let disease carrying aphids. Into a few sections of the greenhouse. And ruined a few of the grad students. Crop slash plant experiments. I'm not a biologist. Sorry. I don't know the details. Anyway. It was a pretty big deal for the grad students.

[00:21:17] Who needed to restart their experiment. Including Natalia. But her PI. Thought it must have been some undergrad. Who forgot that you're not supposed to enter the greenhouse. After being in the aphid room. Her roommate. Who is in the same department as Melissa and Natalia. Thinks it was foul play on Melissa's behalf. Apparently she's been bad mouthing Natalia. Ever since we broke up. Obviously that is a very strong accusation. With no real proof. So she hasn't spoken to administration about it. It is really scary to think that Melissa would go to such a length to hurt somebody.

[00:21:46] It sounded to me like Natalia is being stalked. But she doesn't want me to know. I brought it up with her yesterday. And she confirmed what the roommate said. She dismissed the greenhouse incident. Saying she doesn't want to think someone had it out for her. Also she thought it was unlikely. Because the risk was so great. If it was done on purpose and the person was caught. They'd be expelled from the program without a second thought. She did admit having the feeling of being followed. And that she bit the grocery store or cafe. And thinks she sees Melissa there too.

[00:22:16] She thinks she's just paranoid. And letting her roommate get to her head. But that this happens more frequently. Since we started hanging out. I asked her if she's spoken to Melissa. Or wanted me to say something. And she said absolutely not. I'm feeling like this is all my fault. And I keep screwing up. If I had left Natalia alone. After breaking up with Melissa. This wouldn't be happening to her. I haven't spoken to Melissa since the breakup. Only to return the items she kept in my house. And I don't think speaking to her about this. Would do any good.

[00:22:45] I wouldn't doubt that Melissa is capable of stalking. And slash sabotaging Natalia's work. Given her history. But I haven't seen anything with my own eyes yet. Is there something I can do before this gets worse? In my last few posts. Many people said I handled things wrong. And I want to make sure I do something right for once. Do I stay out? Do I investigate? Please give me advice. And not judgment right now. I'm worried for my friend. Practical Matter says to OP. You do nothing.

[00:23:13] Natalia needs to start keeping a very detailed ledger of every incident where she suspects Melissa is harassing her. She needs to report to campus police that she has a stalker to get a paper trail going. OP replies then. Both her and her roommate are doing this just in case. Her roommate feels 100% sure the greenhouse incident was Melissa's doing. Natalia is waiting for more proof. And that was OP's last post on the matter. What do you suspect happened next?

[00:23:43] Sounds like a fairly scary situation. But let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories. Your love. Your support. Your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love. Take care.