My Friend Keeps On Talking About My Ex In Front Of My FIancee r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories and if you do love a Reddit Story why not consider hitting that like subscribe maybe that notification bell too and let's crack on with today's first

[00:00:18] story. Much love guys. This story comes from tabff234324 from the amithearsallhere subreddit and says Am I the arsehole here? My friend keeps on talking about my ex in front of my fiance. My 29 male best friend Jess, 29 female, keeps on mentioning my ex, 29 female, in front of

[00:00:40] my fiance. And I'm thinking of cutting her off. I want to know if I'm overreacting or if Jess is in the wrong. For context, Jess and I went to the same high school and the

[00:00:50] same college. We were friends in high school. However, since we both went to the same out of state college, we became best friends since then. We have always been there for each other during the best and worst times. However, things have always been platonic

[00:01:05] and she is more like a big sister to me who made sure I stay on the right track. I've only been in two long-term relationships so far. One was with my ex Lisa for 7 years.

[00:01:15] We met in college and dated all through our college years. Lisa and Jess also became good friends too. After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life.

[00:01:25] I became boring after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full-time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends while I was at home studying. I was

[00:01:36] heartbroken but I don't think I ever blamed or had resentment towards her as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life. Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and

[00:01:51] Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held onto that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. That was until I met my

[00:02:01] fiancé Yang. After I finished my PhD, I got a nice job in a big tech company. Yang joined our team a year after me. We started going out for drinks and dinner and we started dating

[00:02:13] seriously pretty soon. We are happy together and financially in a great place. Needless to say, I stopped talking to Lisa after I started dating Yang. I proposed to Yang a year after we started dating and got engaged last year. Jess has been acting weirdly since we got engaged.

[00:02:31] One of the first things she said to Yang after we got engaged was how I had planned the same thing for Lisa, proposing on a local hiking trail. It was a bit off-putting that she was

[00:02:41] bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago on such a happy occasion. However, Yang asked me not to spoil my mood as she felt Jess was just commenting on how I had

[00:02:51] that plan in my mind for years. Since then, every time we meet, Jess without fail brings up Lisa and how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. This happened when we bought a house, planned for vacations etc. Jess always starts with

[00:03:06] some nostalgic story and then brings up how Lisa and I were so happy together. She is still good friends with Lisa and keeps giving me updates about Lisa and how great Lisa is

[00:03:16] doing at work when no one is asking for it. It felt like she was painting a rosy picture of Lisa to Yang and telling Yang that she would always be second to Lisa. Yang told

[00:03:26] me Jess's comments bothered her and I also felt the same. I have brought this up with Jess many times and asked her not to do it. However, she said she will try but since I

[00:03:35] dated Lisa for 7 years, she would be a part of many stories from the past. Also, she asked me why talking about Lisa bothers me and if I still have feelings for her. I have reduced

[00:03:45] hanging out with Jess, however, she is close with my mom and is always invited to all our family parties and holidays. I talk to my mom and sister about this and they feel I

[00:03:54] am overreacting. They feel Jess is just telling stories and since the stories are mostly from college days and later, Lisa will be a character in the story. They also feel I should not

[00:04:05] be bothered by Jess mentioning Lisa since we broke up a long time ago. I feel that it's disrespectful to Yang as she doesn't need to hear all the fun Lisa and I had when

[00:04:14] we were together and how we were planning to get married. Do you think I'm the asshole to stop here or Jess is truly acting out of line? Nah, I'm agreeing with you OP and even your fiance is uncomfortable, that's enough of

[00:04:27] a reason in itself. The way she is being in the story is making me uncomfortable. I'm trying to put myself in Jess' position, there was no way I would start bringing up your

[00:04:36] ex in any situation. I'd be more mindful of that. Even if I did say something about it, I'd apologize and say, oh sorry, didn't mean to do that kind of thing. And of course you

[00:04:44] have a history, you have a past, everyone does. But you don't start fucking talking about the good times you had with your ex. Comparing the engagements and stuff like that is just bizarre ass behavior and what's her end game with all this? Is she trying to

[00:04:58] sabotage your relationship and then trying to get Lisa back involved? Does she have feelings for you? What's her end game? What do you think so far guys? Lex G says not the asshole, I think you need to cut off Jess. She's being a mean girl

[00:05:12] to your fiance. You need to also tell your mom and sister of your decision and that if they want Jess at events, you might have to limit your time with them as well. Jess

[00:05:20] has shown you she's doing it on purpose if you've asked multiple times for her to stop and she immediately attacks your reasoning and feelings. She wants to pretend it's you not being over Lisa which is another dig at your fiance when it's really just Jess being

[00:05:34] rude. Jess and probably Lisa need to let the past go. Lisa probably thought she can go and have her fun and when she wants to settle with her back up, you would still be waiting.

[00:05:44] Jess probably helped with this plan and purposely stopped you from moving on, saying Lisa would come back. Opie says at this point I suspect Jess is just being mean to Yang. I would have cut

[00:05:54] her off long ago if she was not so close to me or my family for so many years. Lisa is out of the picture to be honest, I've completely gone no contact with her for the last 2 years.

[00:06:04] Beneficial Baker says not the asshole but the way you stop this is by every time she brings something up, just nod politely and say, now that I've met my fiance, I honestly couldn't see my life being as positive and memorable if I'd done any of this with Lisa.

[00:06:18] She was right to set me free. Yang is the love of my life and I'm so glad I got to genuinely cherish those dreams with the woman I love. Corbin Bro says probably need to separate your time with your fiance away from your

[00:06:29] friend. Establish stronger boundaries with said friend, how it affects your relationship with fiance. If friend keeps doing it, slowly remove her altogether from the equation. On a side note, your friend comes across poorly on one other aspect. When you are too busy

[00:06:43] to date so you could study, she's encouraging you to stay available while your ex goes about dating around. Think she ever encouraged your ex to not? Or do you think she was telling your ex so she could have all the fun she wanted cause you'd still be around?

[00:06:57] Food for thought. Opie says she thought we were 24 when we broke up and she always justified that Lisa was young and it's natural to date around before you settle down. She also encouraged me to

[00:07:08] do the same, however after my breakup I decided that I would not be in a relationship based on what happened to the previous one and never dated anyone until after I graduated. And a final comment from Strangely Rational Who Says Not The Asshole, Jess is old enough

[00:07:23] to have learned about this concept called discretion. Yes these are stories from her and your past, yes they involve Lisa. No she does not have to bring up those specific stories

[00:07:34] or share those details in front of your fiance. All she has to do is respect you enough to think before she speaks. One of two things is going on here, either Jess is doing this intentionally to cause trouble or she lacks a filter. Either way it's causing problems

[00:07:48] for you, you've communicated this and Jess hasn't stopped. That either means she can't, unlikely or simply doesn't care enough to put the energy in. That's not someone I'd want to be close friends with.

[00:07:59] So Opie comes in with her update and says I wrote a post a month ago regarding my best friend Jess mentioning my ex constantly in front of my fiance. Thanks to everyone who commented and how inappropriate it was. However the last month has been nothing but crazy

[00:08:14] and I still try to make sense of what happened so far. After my post I decided to talk to Jess and gave her an ultimatum not to speak about my ex Lisa again. I know Jess and Lisa

[00:08:25] are still friends, but I was uncomfortable of her comparing my fiance Yang with Lisa all the time. I broke up with Lisa 5 years ago and she has nothing but a faint memory

[00:08:34] in my past. Jess kept on defending herself and telling me that I was with Lisa for almost all of my adult life and it's hard to tell stories from the past without including her.

[00:08:43] She also blamed me for being emotionally childish and just forgetting about Lisa when she was with me for 7 years. Finally Jess agreed that she will not bring up Lisa in front of Yang

[00:08:53] and I should also not treat Lisa as she does not exist, since she is still Jess' friend. I informed Yang about our conversation, although she was appreciative about it. She said I

[00:09:04] did not need to do it and she knows how much I love her and every time Jess brings up my Lisa she feels sorry for Lisa that she let a guy like me go.

[00:09:14] Yang went to visit China 2 weeks ago for a month as we planned to get married in her hometown. She is taking care of her shopping as well as preparations for the wedding. Jess

[00:09:23] invited me to her house that Friday for dinner as I was home alone. I'm also good friends with her husband and we were all just chatting and drinking in the living room. Around 7.30pm

[00:09:33] Oh no no no, the doorbell rang and Jess excitedly went to open up the door. It was fucking Lisa at the door. She was all dressed up as if she were ready for a date and came in. I had

[00:09:45] not seen her in person for almost 3 years and I was shocked to see her. She sat down and started making small talk with me. I was extremely uncomfortable and went into the kitchen

[00:09:55] to talk to Jess. I was angry at her and asked her what was going on. She kept on telling me that it's been 5 years since the break up and to get over it and be nice to Lisa.

[00:10:05] She said Lisa was excited to meet me and she thought we were all adults and could have one fun evening together. We had a fight and I told her that she should not have invited

[00:10:14] Lisa after our conversation the other day and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. I went into the living room and politely excused myself and told everyone that I had a work

[00:10:23] emergency and had to leave early. Lisa looked sad but I genuinely felt uncomfortable to be made to hang out with my ex without my consent. I came home and called Yang. I have never

[00:10:34] seen her more furious and she told me that she is not comfortable with Jess anymore as she has some agenda that we do not know about. It's different to talk about Lisa but to

[00:10:43] invite her without consulting is not okay. I also felt the same and I called Jess the next day and told her that she crossed a line and I was terribly upset with her. I stopped

[00:10:53] taking her calls and ghosted her. I also told my mom and sister about the whole incident. Last Sunday, my mom called me for lunch. When I got there, I saw Jess was already there.

[00:11:04] I told my mom that I do not want to talk to Jess and can't stay. However, she asked me to sit as they all wanted to talk to me. I am a glutton for punishment and decided to

[00:11:14] hear them out. My mom started with how Jess has been there for me all these years and only has my best interest at heart. She kept on telling me that there are three people

[00:11:24] Mom, sister and Jess that love me the most. Jess started saying how she felt I was making a big mistake and not having to hear what Lisa had to say. She told me that Lisa was

[00:11:34] my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance.

[00:11:46] My sister also chimed in and said how they all like Lisa more than Yang and how we both look so great together. Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than

[00:11:56] Yang that it's hard for them to relate to her. I asked them in what way and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common

[00:12:04] with her. Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their

[00:12:15] drift and probed more. I can't bring myself to say the next line but basically the mom says something racist about how the kids will look. My OP continues, I asked my mom

[00:12:24] if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off and I realized she did not want me to marry Yang because

[00:12:33] she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she'd be interested in getting back together

[00:12:42] with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off. As that is the best for everyone, I have never been so angry and may have said a lot of unkind

[00:12:55] things to all of them before I left. I am so depressed right now. I not only lost my best friend but I am also not sure how I can move on from what my mom said. My mom and

[00:13:06] sister raised me and that is the reason why I am where I am today. However, I cannot get over how racist they are being and how they are just pretending to like Yang all these

[00:13:14] years while actively working on breaking us up. I have been so shocked that I have not told any of this to Yang so far. I might wait for her to come back next week and talk

[00:13:23] to her in person. Again, thanks everyone for all your messages on the last post as they helped me a lot to think through the situation. My life is more fucked up than I could imagine and I cannot imagine how dejected Yang will feel after hearing all this.

[00:13:45] To discover the people you love are racist like that is got to knock you for a six right? But there's no coming back from what they said and what they've done in the past as

[00:13:57] well pretending to like Yang while clearly they've been talking all sorts of shit behind her back. Family doesn't do that. Family doesn't show love in that way. Family would be happy that you were getting married to someone that you love. They'd be happy that

[00:14:11] you are happy. And quite frankly, it's time to cut those people off I think. Imagine that your family stayed in your life for whatever reason you know. They stayed in your life, you're married to Yang now and potentially you have children in the future. What's your

[00:14:26] mom going to think of that children? She's already said that. Fucking horrible man. And Yang doesn't deserve to be around these people either. Don't live your life with Yang. Be happy, get married, enjoy life without toxicity bringing you down. But what do you guys make

[00:14:43] of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. Our next story comes from mithersole. So I read it from OKDREAM6816 and says am I the arsehole for agreeing to split the bill on a double date which ended in my best friend

[00:14:59] being dumped. Hi, I 22F am really unsure here. My best friend and roommate 22F, Amy had been seeing a guy for 2 months. She really likes him, it seemed to be going super well. Last

[00:15:14] night she asked if I'd go along with a blind double date. I.e her and the guy she's dating, me and one of his friends who is single and looking. I wasn't keen at first but she insisted

[00:15:25] so I agreed. We got to the restaurant, just a nice place in our area and things seemed to be going fine. The friend she was setting me up with was cool but I really am not looking

[00:15:36] right now so I didn't feel any kind of spark. We get to the end of the dinner and the bill comes. Amy chimes in and says don't worry our men have got this. To which I say back

[00:15:47] ah no I don't mind. We'd had 2 cocktails each or 4 of us and it wasn't a crazy expensive place but not cheap. A bit of back and forth happened, Amy kept insisting it was always

[00:15:59] the gentlemen who pay so I said something like you do you I'm happy to split. The guys were saying they would cover but both seemed uncomfortable. They paid then we all left. Amy and her boyfriend went back to his. I said goodnight to his friend and went home.

[00:16:16] Later Amy texts saying her man is now contemplating the relationship because he doesn't want someone who always insists the men pay. She told me I ruined it by offering to split and should

[00:16:26] have sided with her and not made things worse. She's now saying he needs time and might not want to continue the relationship with her. Am I the asshole for this? Absolutely not the asshole in this situation. You didn't do anything wrong. You offered

[00:16:42] and rightly so to cover your portion of the bill. I physically cringed when she said our men will pay. But Elsie says not the asshole. She's the one that says the guys pay. His

[00:16:56] reaction to that is based on her statement alone. And our men? Um no. This was the first time you'd met your date. Opie says I'm thinking because both the guys are tight. She thought

[00:17:09] me and the friend would hit it off, making it a thing. Therefore they would be our men. Her nemesis replies that's it. I don't think that your so called friend is a nice person

[00:17:19] or even a friend given how quickly she was ready to blame you for something that was her own fault. She says not the asshole. I squirmed a little when I read don't worry our men have got this. And it's always the gentlemen who pay.

[00:17:35] Your friend has some very outdated views about dating. All you did was offer to pay your share of the bill on a blind date. You weren't using a stranger for free drinks and dinner. Your friend's boyfriend of two whole months was rightfully uncomfortable with her insistence

[00:17:49] your male companions pay the bill. It's not your fault your friend opened her mouth and inserted a foot into it. Opie says thanks. She's never usually like this. Doesn't make guys pay for drinks if

[00:18:00] we go out. I'm thinking she's acting this way because of a new relationship. But I don't know for sure, since she still isn't talking to me or even replying. Bigger left on third says I guarantee you that this is not the only occurrence where

[00:18:15] money has come up. There's a possibility that she also chose the expensive restaurant and both guys hesitated that it was too much. Your friend must have some type of disagreement with a guy around gender roles or money. I would have done the same thing you did.

[00:18:32] One more comment from Lucky Weakness who says hard and unequivocal not the asshole. Key highlights 1. Super cringed to hear a woman saying our men got this 2. Love that you set your boundaries and held strong when pressure came. All women should follow your example.

[00:18:47] 3. Your friend seems like she needs some work to understand that A. You didn't want to imply slash feel that you were some randos woman or owe something to Mr. Rando. B. She needs to respect boundaries and C. Needs to learn to be a better partner and not

[00:19:02] take her boyfriend for granted. Opie replies saying lol thank you. I'm someone who speaks up and does my best to hold my own and also be entirely respectful of others and be considerate of how they feel. Depending

[00:19:14] on if and when she replies I hope I can have a good conversation with her. Press X to doubt Opie comes in with her update and says thanks so much to everyone for your thoughts on this

[00:19:26] one. Amy still isn't talking to me. You could cut glass with the tension in our place right now. She and the guy aren't talking either. I'm trying hard here but another week and maybe the friendship has run its course. Sensing

[00:19:40] a lot more underlying issues that can only come from communication but hey. Update I'm now not a girls girl because I didn't back her, without being told I should or given any kind of heads up. I responded that if I want to pay for myself, especially because

[00:19:55] I didn't see myself and the blind date friend having a second date, I was happy to put in for my portion. Friendship is effectively over and I'm looking to move out. Final update Amy is now trying to apologize because she can't afford the rent on her own

[00:20:10] or get someone else to move in on such short notice. I feel horrible but know I need to be around supportive people. Thanks again to everyone. And the top comment on that one just said not the arsehole she killed two relationships

[00:20:23] with her attitude. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.