My Fiance Wants To End Things Because "I Didn't Choose Him First" r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account and says, Fiance 28 male wants to end our relationship because I 27 female didn't choose him first.

[00:00:31] I'm sorry if this whole thing sounds a little rushed, but my fiance Ryan, who I've been with for 7 years told me today that he's not sure whether he wants to be with me anymore. And I realize it may sound stupid, but I love him so much. It feels like my world is falling apart around me and I don't know what I can do. This all started a couple of days ago when we were celebrating our anniversary. We invited a bunch of people including one of my closest friends, Ellie. She noticed my fiance being affectionate to her.

[00:01:00] And made some stupid comment about how she told me so that Ryan would be better for me than my ex, Andy. My fiance was a little confused and asked Ellie what she meant. Back when I was in college, Andy and Ryan both asked me out for the same event.

[00:01:17] I'd known Ryan since high school and we'd always had a thing, but we weren't a couple. On top of that, he went to another college that was a half hour drive away from me. Andy went to my college. His dorm was a five minute walk away and he was someone completely new. I began to feel like my relationship with Ryan wouldn't be exciting enough because we already knew almost everything about each other.

[00:01:38] With the added headache of being half an hour away from each other. Despite Ellie's protests, I decided to go with Andy. I know my reasoning is beyond stupid, but I never thought that this decision had the potential to blow up my future.

[00:01:53] Ryan was already heard that I declined his request to go on a date. I didn't want to make him feel worse by telling him that I was going with someone else. Not that it mattered because he stopped talking to me for about six months.

[00:02:05] During this time, it became obvious that me and Andy weren't right for each other. So we ended it. When me and Ryan began talking again, I realized how much I missed him and that he was perfect for me. So I asked him out. He was overjoyed and that's how we got to this point.

[00:02:20] For the rest of the party, I could tell his mood was off. He kept pulling away from my kisses and touches and responded to me with short one sentence answers.

[00:02:30] After the party, when I asked him what was wrong, he just said that he felt sick. For the next two days, he continued to be cold and distant.

[00:02:38] I had no idea what was happening, so I waited patiently for him to become comfortable enough to tell me.

[00:02:44] Today, he told me the reason he'd been acting off.

[00:02:46] From the story, it sounded like I'd kept him as my backup for plan B.

[00:02:51] In case my relationship with Andy failed, that it was especially messed up since we'd obviously had feelings for each other long before then.

[00:02:59] He also said that he deserved to be someone's first choice.

[00:03:02] I thought this was just an insecurity that we could get through, but then he went on to say that he's not sure whether he can see our relationship in the same light anymore.

[00:03:10] So it might be best if we split up.

[00:03:13] I pleaded with him that we don't need to take it that far and that we should go to counseling or even just live separately for a few days, while he thinks about whether this is what he actually wants.

[00:03:24] So far, he hasn't said anything except that he absolutely refuses to go to therapy.

[00:03:29] I can tell that this is weighing on him heavily because he's been drinking more than usual, but I don't know what to say to make him feel better.

[00:03:36] We've had a beautiful relationship.

[00:03:38] He's never been overly jealous or possessive and although neither of us are perfect, I couldn't ask for a more loving, respectful, intelligent and charming, soon to be, husband.

[00:03:49] I don't know how all of that can come to an end for a foolish mistake that I'd made seven years ago.

[00:03:54] I don't know exactly what I'm looking for by posting on here, but if anyone has any advice, please, please let me know.

[00:04:02] Edits.

[00:04:03] I think I may have messed up on my wording.

[00:04:05] He doesn't care that I dated someone else before him.

[00:04:08] It bothers him that I had the choice between him or Andy and I chose Andy.

[00:04:13] I'm a start in the comments with Sandy Bottoms Up who quotes saying,

[00:04:16] My relationship with Ryan wouldn't be exciting enough and then says,

[00:04:20] You didn't choose him first and you pick right back up with him the minute it didn't work out with the other guy.

[00:04:25] Seven years and he never knew you let another guy take you on the same date that he asked you on.

[00:04:31] Can you blame him?

[00:04:32] Nope.

[00:04:33] Another user says his position is that if he had all the information, he would never have chosen you.

[00:04:39] As in, he had known it and never would have gotten off the ground.

[00:04:42] You didn't say no to him earlier because you weren't ready or you were concerned about the distance.

[00:04:47] You said no because you wanted to be with someone else more and that he would not handle and admittedly, I get it.

[00:04:54] To him, this is finding out the beginning of the relationship, the bedrock.

[00:04:58] The story of why you came together is a lie.

[00:05:01] It's false.

[00:05:02] Your relationship story is important.

[00:05:04] It's what gets you through the tough times and make sure you always come together through that.

[00:05:09] It's what makes you choose to love each other every day.

[00:05:12] While for him, that story is now dead.

[00:05:15] It's just a fabrication.

[00:05:18] Another user says, yikes, that's rough.

[00:05:20] Look at his perspective.

[00:05:22] From his side of things, it just looks like you settled for him.

[00:05:25] You chose this other guy first because he felt more exciting, then settled for the better choice.

[00:05:31] Definitely doesn't feel good if that ever happened to me.

[00:05:34] Would you feel any different if you were in his shoes?

[00:05:36] Dirty Rod and Scoundrel says,

[00:05:39] As another reddit has said in the comments to your post in relationship subreddit,

[00:05:43] you need to come completely clean.

[00:05:45] Why really, you did choose to start with Ryan back then when it didn't work out with Andy.

[00:05:50] 100% transparency.

[00:05:52] Hopefully, this can give Ryan enough information to decide if he wants to continue your relationship.

[00:05:57] And if by his standards, the foundation is strong enough.

[00:06:00] And one more comment which says,

[00:06:02] If he had known he was a second choice from the get-go,

[00:06:04] he probably never would have entered the relationship.

[00:06:07] I wouldn't have.

[00:06:08] I think it comes down to what reason OP gave when she rejected him, if she gave one at all.

[00:06:14] Because either she lied or decided not to include the fact that it was for another dude.

[00:06:18] Or she didn't give him a reason.

[00:06:20] Which is perfectly okay.

[00:06:22] And he's just now receiving closure on the incident.

[00:06:25] Especially when he was there first by a large margin.

[00:06:27] And seemingly made his feelings known.

[00:06:30] And shot his shot just to get rejected for the new kid on the block.

[00:06:34] Ouch.

[00:06:35] I don't think there's anything you can do if he doesn't want counselling.

[00:06:38] I don't think he trusts you anymore.

[00:06:40] The fiancé stage is so fragile because anything can rock it.

[00:06:44] And this is not small potatoes.

[00:06:46] The best you can do is emphasize that this was a stupid mistake.

[00:06:50] And you should never have made it.

[00:06:51] But OP?

[00:06:53] You goofed.

[00:06:55] The OP came in with her update and said so a few people have asked for an update.

[00:06:59] It's been a little over two weeks now so I'm not sure if anyone is even interested anymore.

[00:07:04] I think for now I'm just confused about what's happening.

[00:07:06] If anyone has any advice or has some idea of what he's thinking, please tell me.

[00:07:12] After what happened in the last post, he said that we should put off the wedding while we decide how to proceed.

[00:07:17] That means something right?

[00:07:19] He used the exact words put off instead of cancel and while we decide how to proceed.

[00:07:25] I think that means he hasn't decided that we should break up yet.

[00:07:28] Maybe he'll decide not to marry but continue our relationship.

[00:07:32] I don't think he's ready to give up our relationship yet but he's moved into a hotel.

[00:07:37] I know some people have told me to give him space but I've decided that even if a part of him is willing to stay with me,

[00:07:43] I'm going to do everything I can to give me another chance.

[00:07:47] I've been dropping off food, leaving notes under his door and we've been calling every day.

[00:07:51] Sometimes twice a day.

[00:07:53] Right now we're both stuck in limbo.

[00:07:55] Most of the time we talk about how much we miss each other,

[00:07:58] the plans we had and me convincing him that he's my soulmate

[00:08:02] and that regardless of whatever happened with Andy, I know we would have ended up together.

[00:08:07] There are other moments where he calls me in the middle of the night,

[00:08:10] obviously been crying and asking questions like,

[00:08:13] What did he have that I didn't?

[00:08:15] Did you love him?

[00:08:16] Was he better in bed?

[00:08:17] Was he better looking than me?

[00:08:19] Do you still think he's better looking than me?

[00:08:21] What does more exciting mean?

[00:08:24] Do you wish he gave you another chance?

[00:08:27] He says that he wants to be with me desperately but when he thinks about me,

[00:08:31] it's seared into his mind that I was always his first choice but he will always have been my second.

[00:08:37] It hurts him that we had feelings for each other all the way through high school

[00:08:40] but the moment I met Andy, none of that meant anything anymore.

[00:08:44] Which must have meant I thought Andy was worth my time and he wasn't.

[00:08:48] It breaks my heart to hear him holding back his tears and trying to cry silently.

[00:08:53] I swear, I'd do anything to save our relationship and part of that means not hiding anything from him.

[00:08:59] I've begged him to reconsider going to therapy but he absolutely will not budge.

[00:09:04] Some of our mutual friends are saying that they're not sure if he'll recover from this but I don't care.

[00:09:09] He hasn't told me to stop trying so I'm not going to.

[00:09:12] I wish to God that I could go back and change the past because I love him more than anything, including myself.

[00:09:18] It feels like I'm in some sort of surreal nightmare.

[00:09:21] Less than a month ago, we were all laying in bed fighting over which one of us got to name our kids

[00:09:25] and now a seemingly insignificant mistake that I made seven years ago might wipe away the beautiful future I want with Ryan.

[00:09:33] What I can do right now is be there and hope that he can give me another chance.

[00:09:37] But I don't know what he's thinking.

[00:09:40] I know this isn't a common relationship problem but if anyone has anything they can give me,

[00:09:45] whether it's advice or even reassurance that things are going to work out, please, please tell me.

[00:09:52] Edits.

[00:09:52] He called an hour ago.

[00:09:54] Some of his friends found this Reddit post and showed it to him so he called angry,

[00:09:58] asking why I would tell strangers about our personal problems.

[00:10:02] And how is he supposed to face his friends and family now after they all know the reason I'm with him is because Andy broke up with me.

[00:10:09] After reading the comments, he realized that it wasn't right for him to keep me in the dark for so long without making a decision.

[00:10:15] He's decided that we should go our separate ways so that I can decide whether it's really him that I want to be with

[00:10:21] and that he wasn't just some convenient choice.

[00:10:24] For now, I can't describe how I'm feeling.

[00:10:27] It's just like I'm so tired I just want to go to sleep forever.

[00:10:30] I know some of you have the impression that he's a horrible man,

[00:10:34] but this was just a small fragment of our relationship that doesn't reflect who he is as an individual in the slightest.

[00:10:40] He's the guy who spent days learning about my major on top of his own studies so that he could help me study for exams and proofread my coursework.

[00:10:49] He spent thousands of his own hard-earned money to give my parents their dream vacation to Australia

[00:10:54] and insisted that I say I paid for it because I'd feel bad taking money from him.

[00:10:59] One of my ex threatened to leak news that I'd sent him when we were younger.

[00:11:03] I was terrified that he would leave.

[00:11:05] He took me out to my favorite restaurant and said that there was nothing anyone else could do or say that would affect how much he loves me.

[00:11:12] And then he asked me to marry him so I'd never have to worry about him leaving ever again.

[00:11:17] My fiancé is the best man that I've ever known

[00:11:21] and the assumptions that everyone here has made from hearing about such a small part of our lives is disgusting

[00:11:26] and I didn't come here for people to convince me that he's immature, insecure or any of that.

[00:11:32] I should have known better than to post here but all I can hope for now is that he sees this.

[00:11:37] To my fiancé, I don't know what I can say to make this better.

[00:11:41] I don't know if you'll be able to heal from this.

[00:11:44] What I can say is that you are wrong in thinking that I chose you at a convenience.

[00:11:48] I chose you because you're the most thoughtful, handsome, intelligent and charming man I've ever known.

[00:11:53] Every single moment that we've had together for the last seven years, every kiss that we've shared,

[00:11:58] every bagel that we've split and every I love you that I said was meant for you

[00:12:02] and was an affirmation that you are and always will be my first choice.

[00:12:07] I don't believe that you want to cut our lives together short.

[00:12:10] I think that you were trying to heal from the consequences of a mistake that I made

[00:12:13] and I inadvertently set a fire underneath you by forcing you to come to a decision by making this post.

[00:12:19] Take as long as you need to do whatever it is that you need to do to heal from this

[00:12:23] and I'll be here waiting for you when you are ready to talk.

[00:12:27] If you decide that is something that we cannot overcome,

[00:12:30] I would accept your decision but I know we are stronger than this.

[00:12:33] I love you so, so much.

[00:12:35] Edit 2

[00:12:36] I know this is starting to get really long but he read my open letter and got in contact with me to say

[00:12:41] that he's not promising anything except that he'll listen.

[00:12:45] He still refuses to see a therapist because he doesn't view our relationship

[00:12:49] is strong enough that there's anything to salvage right now.

[00:12:52] However, some people have expressed that they wish they could give him advice

[00:12:55] and I've convinced him to talk to others who have experienced this and heal from it.

[00:13:00] If you've experienced something similar, please ask for his throwaway

[00:13:03] either in response to this post or by PMing me.

[00:13:06] Thank you.

[00:13:08] A couple of comments from the top on this one.

[00:13:10] The first one says,

[00:13:11] My advice is that you stop belittling how he feels and start owning your past actions.

[00:13:16] Specifically, you saying stuff like this.

[00:13:19] Seemingly insignificant mistake.

[00:13:21] It was not insignificant.

[00:13:23] It was information that would have stopped the two of you from even entering into a relationship if he knew.

[00:13:28] Furthermore, what answers have you given him to his questions?

[00:13:31] Those questions hold the most weight in his mind.

[00:13:34] If you can't answer them honestly, I don't see any chance of him sticking with you.

[00:13:38] The holy lizard says in quotes,

[00:13:40] It hurts him that we had feelings for each other all the way through high school

[00:13:44] but the moment I met Andy, none of that mattered anymore.

[00:13:47] And it says,

[00:13:48] Looks like he hit the nail on the head completely.

[00:13:50] You said you didn't think he would be exciting and Andy was exciting.

[00:13:54] You even said the distance would be a headache.

[00:13:57] To shorten it, your now fiance just wasn't enough for you.

[00:14:01] And it sounds like the only reason you even ended up together

[00:14:04] was because you and your ex ended up splitting

[00:14:06] but he wasn't right.

[00:14:08] He was your second choice

[00:14:10] and you weren't honest.

[00:14:11] I can tell you from experience.

[00:14:13] As a guy, if he feels he was blown off for a better guy initially,

[00:14:17] your relationship won't fully recover.

[00:14:20] The thought will always linger.

[00:14:22] You need to give him space.

[00:14:23] Real space.

[00:14:24] Not, I don't want to lose him so I'll shower him with attention space.

[00:14:28] At the end of the day, he wants a relationship that he feels he has because he's special

[00:14:33] and a catch.

[00:14:34] Not because option A didn't work.

[00:14:36] And the fact that you thought I didn't think turning him down would blow up my future

[00:14:40] means you're still not giving his feelings much thought.

[00:14:44] Actions have consequences when they hurt the ones you love.

[00:14:47] Let him hurt in peace.

[00:14:49] And if the relationship was meant to last, it will.

[00:14:51] Otherwise, you will have to let it die.

[00:14:55] The OP came in with update two and then says,

[00:14:58] before I get into the update,

[00:14:59] I want to say that I asked my ex-fiance before posting this

[00:15:02] and he said it's fine as long as I don't give away any details

[00:15:05] that could reveal more of our friends and family.

[00:15:08] I've always been the type of person who values other people's input

[00:15:10] when it comes to making big decisions and he knows that.

[00:15:14] A lot has happened since the last update.

[00:15:17] After we spoke, he went completely quiet for around two weeks for time to think.

[00:15:21] The waiting was almost unbearable.

[00:15:23] But he promised as soon as he had an answer for me, he would contact me.

[00:15:27] I wasn't allowed to come to his hotel to drop off food,

[00:15:31] to try and see him or any sort of contact.

[00:15:33] When he finally called, the first thing that he established

[00:15:36] was that our relationship was over.

[00:15:38] However, despite our relationship ending,

[00:15:41] he still wants to be with me.

[00:15:43] If I still want to be with him,

[00:15:45] we can restart our relationship completely from the beginning

[00:15:48] that the board wiped clean.

[00:15:50] In his own words,

[00:15:51] While you look back at our relationship and see something wonderful,

[00:15:54] I look back at it in disgust

[00:15:56] because you lied by omission every single day.

[00:16:00] Initially, I was ready to agree on the spot,

[00:16:02] but he insisted that I take the week to decide

[00:16:04] whether I really want this.

[00:16:06] His logic is that if I choose to restart our relationship

[00:16:09] from the beginning now,

[00:16:10] he will be my first choice.

[00:16:14] Later on in the week,

[00:16:15] it began to settle what this would mean.

[00:16:17] I would go from fiancé back to girlfriend.

[00:16:20] I don't know when he is going to propose again.

[00:16:23] I don't want children until we're married,

[00:16:25] so I don't know how long that's going to be.

[00:16:27] In short, it would completely throw off

[00:16:29] the life plans we had.

[00:16:31] I asked for a little more time,

[00:16:33] and he doesn't want me to resent him in the future,

[00:16:35] so agreed to give me as much time as I needed

[00:16:37] to come to a decision.

[00:16:39] This is a better outcome than I expected,

[00:16:42] and maybe better than I deserve,

[00:16:43] but I'll be lying if I said that

[00:16:45] I don't wish things could go back to normal.

[00:16:47] I've decided that I'm going to agree to starting over.

[00:16:50] It just really hurts that the past seven years

[00:16:53] don't mean anything anymore.

[00:16:54] Not long ago, we celebrated our seventh anniversary,

[00:16:58] but this time next year,

[00:16:59] we'll be celebrating our first anniversary again.

[00:17:03] Edit.

[00:17:04] He read the post and wanted to address some of the comments.

[00:17:07] One, if we do restart our relationship,

[00:17:11] he won't hold anything over my head.

[00:17:13] It'd be exactly as he said,

[00:17:15] and our relationship would start over completely.

[00:17:17] He's so confident of this,

[00:17:19] that he insists I leave him

[00:17:21] if he ever slips up and brings it up when we argue.

[00:17:24] Two, some people have said that being first

[00:17:28] is just an arbitrary construct,

[00:17:30] but that doesn't mean anything.

[00:17:32] Marriage is a construct.

[00:17:34] Monogamy is a construct, etc.

[00:17:36] Something being a construct doesn't make it any less real

[00:17:39] or capable of inflicting pain.

[00:17:42] Three, a reminder that this isn't about me dating people before him.

[00:17:46] He doesn't care about that.

[00:17:48] He cares that I knew him for years,

[00:17:50] that we had a bond in high school,

[00:17:52] and that he waited until we're in college

[00:17:54] so we could officially be a couple.

[00:17:55] I picked someone else I barely knew.

[00:17:58] Four, it's come up very often

[00:18:00] that the length of our relationship

[00:18:02] should have some influence over his decisions.

[00:18:04] He says it does because it makes it even worse.

[00:18:07] I never told him about what happened

[00:18:09] during those six months while we were together.

[00:18:11] On top of that,

[00:18:12] I wasn't the one to tell him in the end.

[00:18:14] We know everything about each other,

[00:18:16] so he can only assume that I consciously hid it from him.

[00:18:19] I'm not insecure, fragile, or irrational.

[00:18:23] The fact is that our old relationship

[00:18:24] is now ruined in my eyes.

[00:18:26] It's ruined because she took away my ability

[00:18:28] to make an informed decision seven years ago.

[00:18:31] If I'd known the circumstances of her return,

[00:18:34] I'm not afraid to say

[00:18:35] that I would have told her to go fuck herself.

[00:18:37] Now I'm giving her the option

[00:18:38] to restart our relationship

[00:18:40] with me knowing all the facts.

[00:18:41] This time, we'll be equals.

[00:18:45] Is it me or just does that not sound healthy at all?

[00:18:49] I mean, just saying a few words

[00:18:52] and your relationship starts all over again.

[00:18:54] You have to go through all your milestones again

[00:18:56] like you didn't have them before.

[00:18:59] You have to pretend that she doesn't have a history

[00:19:01] with someone else,

[00:19:02] that this didn't happen,

[00:19:04] rather than tackling it head on

[00:19:06] and maybe talking to a counselor

[00:19:07] if you do want to go down that route.

[00:19:09] It just kind of feels to me like

[00:19:11] they're better off

[00:19:13] in their separate directions at this point.

[00:19:16] Zuri Rove says,

[00:19:17] I don't think Ryan is in the wrong.

[00:19:19] The only reason OP came back to home

[00:19:21] was because Andy left her.

[00:19:23] Had Andy never done that,

[00:19:25] she may have been perfectly fine

[00:19:27] with leaving Ryan forever.

[00:19:28] Ryan never knew that,

[00:19:30] but now he does

[00:19:31] and is rightfully hurt.

[00:19:32] He wasn't a choice in her eyes.

[00:19:34] He was the backup plan.

[00:19:36] She chose Andy,

[00:19:37] but then it didn't work out.

[00:19:38] He'd also confute with his ability to trust her.

[00:19:41] If Andy came back to OP

[00:19:43] shortly after she and Ryan got together again,

[00:19:45] would she have gone with him?

[00:19:47] There's a possibility.

[00:19:49] I don't believe that wanting a fresh start is wrong.

[00:19:52] It would be if he intends on holding this over her

[00:19:55] or by giving her false hope.

[00:19:57] Ryan gave OP the option of staying or leaving

[00:19:59] what would be a new relationship

[00:20:01] and encouraged her to really think about it.

[00:20:03] It's a shitty situation,

[00:20:05] but I really don't like seeing all the commenters

[00:20:07] attacking Ryan for how he feels.

[00:20:10] And one more comment which says,

[00:20:12] Oh dear,

[00:20:12] this relationship is so unbalanced.

[00:20:15] His flat out refusal for counseling

[00:20:17] is the key red flag in my opinion.

[00:20:19] Whether his feelings are childish and irrational

[00:20:21] or understandable and just

[00:20:23] doesn't really matter

[00:20:25] because they are not being addressed

[00:20:26] in a healthy,

[00:20:27] functional manner.

[00:20:28] A skilled therapist

[00:20:29] can help them both work on their feelings

[00:20:31] and how they are acting

[00:20:32] because of those feelings.

[00:20:33] They would also get trained,

[00:20:34] experienced advice

[00:20:35] on whether they'll be able to make it work.

[00:20:39] OP's tremendous guilt

[00:20:40] in suppressing her own needs

[00:20:41] underneath Ryan's stubbornness.

[00:20:43] Ryan's ridiculous plan

[00:20:44] that I cannot in any reasonable way.

[00:20:47] Well,

[00:20:47] I understand they're going to do

[00:20:48] what they're going to do.

[00:20:49] I think Ryan's refusal to see a therapist

[00:20:51] comes from knowing

[00:20:52] he's not going to like what he hears.

[00:20:54] He didn't like the Reddit thread previously

[00:20:56] because it was mostly,

[00:20:58] yeah,

[00:20:58] she effed up,

[00:20:59] but this guy is off the chain.

[00:21:01] Why else is therapy a hard no?

[00:21:05] Now,

[00:21:05] I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:08] What do you guys make

[00:21:09] of this situation?

[00:21:11] Do you think a relationship

[00:21:12] like that,

[00:21:13] that kind of condition

[00:21:14] could ever work?

[00:21:15] Just forget about the past.

[00:21:17] We're starting again,

[00:21:18] just like that,

[00:21:19] and then never going

[00:21:20] to mention it again.

[00:21:21] Do you think that could ever work?

[00:21:23] Let us know your thoughts down

[00:21:24] in the comments below.

[00:21:26] Now,

[00:21:27] just a huge thank you

[00:21:28] from the bottom of my heart

[00:21:28] for getting involved

[00:21:29] in today's stories.

[00:21:30] Your love,

[00:21:31] your support,

[00:21:32] your time

[00:21:32] always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:34] So thank you so,

[00:21:35] so much for being involved

[00:21:36] and hopefully,

[00:21:36] I'll see you

[00:21:37] in the next one.

[00:21:38] Take care

[00:21:39] and much love.