My Father Taught My Ex To Cheat - Now He's Corrupting My Fiance | r/Relationships

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00] Now today's first story comes from ambitiousbase182 from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. And it says, am I the arsehole here for telling my fiance I would call off the engagement if he doesn't stop hanging out with my father because of a situation that happened with my ex. I, 27 female, have a complicated relationship with my dad, 55 male. He wasn't a bad father but he's been a terrible husband.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00] Growing up, I constantly found my mother crying because dad had cheated on her again. He'd cheat, she'd lash out, he'd crack jokes to lighten the mood which made her even angrier. Then within days they'd be back to normal. Until she'd catch him cheating again. I resented my father for this and my mother somewhat for tolerating it so much. After college, I returned to living with my parents until I could figure my finances out.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00] I met a guy I really liked and he would come over to my parents' house most of the time. Here my dad got close pretty quickly. They would hang out together a lot, go on fishing and camping trips together. I thought it was nice that my father and my boyfriend were getting along so well. Until I overheard them one day talking about their latest adventure. From that conversation, I realized their trips weren't just about fishing or camping.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00] They were picking up women together. Essentially, dad was encouraging him to cheat on me but just he'd be discreet about it. They tried denying it but I wasn't fooled. I broke up with him immediately and my relationship with my dad got even worse. I moved out some months later and rarely visited. My apartment was only 20 minutes drive away from my parents but from them, I visited just a handful of times because of my mother. Now on to the current situation.

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00] I met my fiancé, 26 male, some months after my last relationship and we dated for a year and a half before he asked me to marry him. I'd already introduced him to my parents and they'd met a couple more times. He knew about the situation with my ex and why my relationship with my father was strained. We got engaged a month ago, the week before Thanksgiving. When I informed my mother, she begged us to come spend Thanksgiving weekend with them to celebrate.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00] She used the fact that we'd drifted apart so much and my fiancé convinced me so I agreed. On the first night after dinner, my dad invited my fiancé to go out on the porch to drink beer and chat. My mum and I decided to join them. The conversation was mostly about their mutual love for football. After an hour or so, it got tiring and I wanted to sleep. My mum had already went off to bed. When I told my fiancé, he told me to go ahead and he would be with me soon.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00] I felt very uneasy about leaving them alone, but I didn't want my fiancé to feel like I was monitoring him. My fiancé accidentally woke me up when he finally came to our room in the middle of the night. When I asked him why he was coming to sleep so late and what they were still talking about for so long, he replied, football of course. I didn't press further. All weekend, they hung out constantly. My fiancé helped dad with chores and ran errands with him. When I brought it up, he said he was just being polite.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00] Fast forward to yesterday. My fiancé casually informed me he would be going on a camping trip with a friend. This isn't the first time he has gone on a camping trip since we got together. But I got suspicious because he got evasive when I asked who he was going with. When I pressed, he finally admitted he was going with my dad. Apparently, over the weeks after Thanksgiving, they stayed in contact. They'd even gone to watch a football game together without me, knowing because my father said I would make a big deal out of it.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00] I lost it and told him absolutely not. I reminded him what happened with my ex. He said I was being paranoid that my dad was cool to hang out with and had never mentioned anything about women. He said my dad didn't force my ex to cheat, so I couldn't keep holding a grudge. That hurt very much, in addition to the fact that he wouldn't cancel the camping trip like I asked. So I told him that he could either stop hanging out with my dad or I would call off our engagement.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00] He got upset and accused me of trying to control him and the fact that I think my dad can influence him means I don't trust him. We barely talked since yesterday as he keeps giving me the cold shoulder. I don't want to be the kind of woman who controls who a man hangs out with, but I feel like I set a clear boundary from the very start regarding my dad and he knows how it makes me feel. Sorry for the long post, but I felt that the context was important. Am I the arsehole for giving him that ultimatum?

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely not the arsehole in this situation for being worried. I totally get why Opie is concerned in this situation. Her dad literally, what's the word? I can't think of the word. Corrupted her last boyfriend into cheating and she's seen a pattern of this kind of behavior all throughout her life. And this part's easy for me to say because, you know, Opie's in that moment. Opie's dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that go with it. But I think the ultimatum in this situation was the wrong way to deal with it.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00] We see it time and time again with ultimatums. Sometimes they do, but they rarely work. And it's just let the fiance in this turn it all about control. You're trying to control him instead of what it's really about, which is him going behind her back and bonding with someone who has a history and proven form of sabotaging her previous relationships and cheating all over the place. If I was in that relationship and, you know, the partner came up to me and told me the history of this guy, I wouldn't want to be hanging around with him.

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00] One for the cheating and two because he's hurt you in the past and he continues to do so. But Chopped Liver says, Your fiancé is putting his bromance with your father above your comfort. He's already lying to you while embracing a habitual cheater. Is this what you want for your future? Reenacting your parents' dysfunctional marriage. Not the arsehole, unless you accept the disrespect. Xanath says, My father said I would make a big deal out of it. Quoting that, of course. And it says,

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00] If anyone tells me not to tell my wife I'm hanging out with them because she'll be upset, the first person I'm telling is my wife. Gentlewoman says, He'll never cheat on her. Absolutely. OP needs to go no contact with her parents and her fiancé. Signal historian says, If he hasn't already, the whole thing is a cluster F. Quoting, You don't trust me. And then says, Yeah, because you've already lied to me multiple times, went behind my back, and put my cheating piece of shit father above me and our relationship.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00] He gives you zero reason to trust you. Not to mention, He already listened to the dad to lie to OP and not tell her anything. That was also his choice. So why trust him not to choose to cheat? Run before it gets really ugly. Amazing reality says not the asshole, but I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. What is particularly concerning here is that your fiancé is already lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. You're trying to maintain boundaries with your father and your own fiancé isn't respecting them.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00] He's showing you who he really is, so believe him. A good man would not be lying to you. A good man would not be sneaking around behind your back. A good man would respect your wishes regarding your family. You can't trust this guy. And if you keep dating him, it's only a matter of time before he's out cheating, with or without your dad. Another commenter says, it sounds like the dad almost likes to groom them into becoming cheaters. I imagine he'll do the same with this man

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00] and will continue to try this with every partner OP has. Rosmo Polite says, my view is that the dad is doing it deliberately so he can say, see, all men cheat. I wasn't the asshole. It's just what men do. So OP did update the post and says, thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I read every comment, but I couldn't reply to any because it felt like I was reading what I knew deep within my guts. So I did not break up with my fiance right away. Pathetic, I know.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00] This is a man I'd been with for almost two years and would never have had any major fights until now. I wanted to wait to see if he would understand where I was coming from. I decided to cut my father off, but two days later, he was still giving me the cold shoulder despite my attempts to talk it out. I forgot to mention in my original post that my fiance did say it wouldn't be just him and my dad. His friend would be there too, so I didn't have to worry. But I think that's beside the point. What broke the pathetic bubble I was in

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00] was when a text came through his phone while I was in the shower. It was my father's number and it said, has she cracked yet? I finally understood that my fiance had been giving me the cold shoulder to make me relent and he had no intention of cancelling the trip with my dad. Something broke in me, but it wasn't anger. I took off my ring and placed it on the nightstand. When he came out of the shower, I calmly told him I needed him out of my apartment by the end of the week. He tried to point out how unreasonable I was being

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00] and that was turning me into a controlling woman. I told him I didn't want to control his life, which is why I'm asking him to leave. That way, he can be free to be friends with whoever he wants, but I can't be with someone who doesn't respect my boundaries and thinks there's nothing wrong with associating with someone who hurt me so much.

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_00] He changed his tune very quickly before. I didn't expect the shred of remorse, and he gave none. All of those who commented that he does this to prove a point were right. My dad told me that if I expect to find a man who would be satisfied with just me forever, then I'm living in a bubble. Men are designed to want variety every once in a while. I pretty much expected that, so I wasn't shocked. What broke me was when my mother agreeing with him and telling me that

[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_00] I should never find the perfect man because all men cheat and what's important is that you're the one he loves and comes home to at the end of the day. In my previous post, I mentioned being somewhat resentful towards my mom as well for taking so much crap from my father, but I had never looked at her and felt disgust as I felt in that moment. I calmly told her that wasn't true. She might have resigned herself to being with a piece of shit, but I know I deserve so much better. I told my father I don't care if he disowns me,

[00:11:07] [SPEAKER_00] takes me out of his will or whatever. I don't want anything to do with him ever again. And I told my mom that I loved her, but until she gathers enough balls and self-respect to leave my dad, I don't want anything to do with her either. Then I left the house and drove to my best friend's house where I proceeded to break down into pieces. Sorry if the write-up feels choppy. I've lost two of the people I care about the most and it hurts like hell. But I also know I put myself first for once after all the crap I put up with.

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_00] Like most of you, my best friend also suggested therapy, so I'm going to look into that. P.S. I know legally I owe my ex a month's notice. He moved in with me several months ago, but I don't think I can stomach it for that long. Hopefully, he'll leave within the week and not make things difficult for me. In the meantime, I'll be staying at my friend's house. Thanks so much for your responses. It comforts me a bit, even when I feel so crappy. So, the first commenter says to OP, not the arsehole.

[00:12:08] [SPEAKER_00] Wow, your father is a piece of work and your mother is enabling him. Good for you for leaving that toxic stew. I hope you find a fulfilling life far away from all these people. Alvin says, I've been married for nearly 40 years. No cheating, either of us. My parents were married for over 60 years when my dad passed away. No cheating there either. In fact, I know very few people who have cheated slash been cheated on. And honestly, I would not be okay hanging around someone who was a known cheater.

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00] Lily Luigi says, same here. Married 22 years. Parents, 63. Brother, 28 years. Plus my husband's parents. His two brothers, sister. No one cheated. Real men keep their word from their vows and don't cheat. Don't settle, but seek out therapy since the men you get involved with are prone to cheating. Chilling Storm says, Thank you for the update. I'm glad you stood your ground. I know you are hurting and the next few days, weeks and months are going to be difficult. But be strong.

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00] You deserve to be loved, respected and have your boundaries adhered to. You are worthy of being loved unconditionally with a partner who wants what is best for you. Partners raise each other up, have each other's back. They're honest with each other. So proud of how you advocated for yourself and your future. Raptor says, I read your original post and the update. Shocked by the first one and sheer anger after this one. What parent, let alone someone's father,

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_00] actively encourages their daughter's fiance to cheat on her before they are even married. What disgusts me even more is the exes were cool with it and about it. Cheating is literally the line you don't cross with me and my wife is the same. It's really simple. You want to cheat, then get out and go live the life you want. It just won't be with the person they want to cheat on. Opie says, Thank you so much. This made me bawl my eyes out because I realized how much I needed to hear this. Thank you so much. And one more comment who says,

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_00] Opie, you did good. Disappointment and betrayal always hurt in the beginning but after some time has passed, we will see that this whole situation was actually a blessing in disguise. Your ex showed you exactly who he was and yes, for therapy for sure. When a person has unresolved trauma, the tendency is to keep attracting the same trauma in our lives. You will find the right partner. Opie responds and to be honest, until the comments on my first post, I never realized the pattern. Maybe I've been looking out for douches

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00] because both my first two relationships, high school and college, ended up with me being cheated on. Though these ones had nothing to do with my dad. I never thought I needed therapy and neither did I believe in it. But I will surely give it a try. That man is just absolutely vile. Who wants your daughter to be cheated on? Who actively encourages that? And the mom as well in this is doing exactly the same.

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_00] And I think therapy is a good step for Opie and I hope that they do step into it and make the most of it at the same time and just never take a partner around your parents ever again. Just keep away from them that what are they? Fucking hell. They are just wild. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from the Am I Overreacting subreddit

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_00] from East Permit 5913 and it says My 23 female Boyfriend 21 male said he wants good chemistry with another girl on my birthday. I 23 female just celebrated my 23rd birthday last night. My boyfriend Jake 21 male took me out to a bar with a group of our mutual friends. For the most part the night was going great until a girl he knows from his college classes we call her Sophie showed up.

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_00] Jake has mentioned Sophie before mostly just saying she's cool and is in his study group. When she walked in Jake got weirdly focused on her. Later in the night while we were getting drinks at the bar just the two of us I made a comment about how he seemed distracted. He laughed it off and said I'm just trying to make sure Sophie and I have really good chemistry. I want us to have a spark you know? I was stunned. I asked him what the hell was that supposed to mean? Especially on my birthday. He got defensive immediately

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_00] and told me I was acting 23 implying I'm being old and serious and that chemistry just means he wants them to be able to joke around so his study sessions aren't awkward. I told him that chemistry and sparks are romantic terms and saying that to your girlfriend on her birthday is disrespectful. He called me insecure and said I was ruining my own birthday over a word choice. He spent the rest of the night acting distant and ended up talking to her for a good 20 minutes before we left.

[00:17:02] [SPEAKER_00] I feel like I'm being gaslit. To me you don't look for chemistry with another woman when you're in a committed relationship. Am I overreacting? Is this a maturity gap thing because he's 21 or is he low-key telling me he's interested in her? Hmm my Columbo senses are going off in this one absolutely and it wasn't just about the chemistry and sparks comment. It was the fact on your birthday that your boyfriend's taken to a bar with you know

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_00] a group of your mutual friends and then Sophie walks in a girl who's mentioned before and she's cool in his study group and then he's getting weirdly focused on her then he's making these weird ass comments about chemistry and sparks and then abandoning you for the rest of the night while he talks to her. Yeah something's not quite right there. The commenter says to OP If you tell someone something they're doing or said hurts you and their response is anything other than I'm sorry I don't ever want to hurt you I won't do or say it again or along those lines then they don't care

[00:18:01] [SPEAKER_00] about you. It is truly that simple. If that is understood 90% of the relationship problems would evaporate. When someone shows you who they are believe them and that goes the other way around too. Shark Finn says he's acting like he's in high school not 21 and clearly no common sense. If you don't break up with him he's just going to keep disrespecting you and probably cheating on you and not even have the decency to try and hide it. Icy Dragonfly says not overreacting it's not just about

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_00] his word choice it's the way he was acting towards her and his lack of concern and respect for you. He practically just admitted that he's attracted to her he's getting defensive and gaslighting you because he just doesn't want to admit he's the arsehole. There's no such thing as a maturity gap in an under two year age difference and if he's claiming that you're too old and serious at 23 then he needs to grow the fuck up himself and stop acting like a little teenage walking boner. I had a similar situation

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_00] happen to me with an ex and my concern turned out to be 100% correct. He ditched me for her the second she expressed interest but I got the last laugh because she turned into an absolute toxic abusive psycho. So give yourself the best birthday gift here and dump his arse. Don't waste any more of your time with him. You deserve better. And one more comment from Harleen who says I don't like how he replied to you at all ignoring how you feel. Doesn't matter if it's your birthday or not you should be the woman

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_00] in the center of his attention. I'm sorry it happened to you. Please think about your self-worth. I hope you'll realize that you deserve much better and next time you won't even need to ask us you will kick such arse out from your life ASAP. OP does come in with an update and says after reading through the responses to my last post a lot of things started to click. So many people pointed out that chemistry and sparks aren't normal words to use for a platonic study partner and especially not something you say to your girlfriend

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_00] on her birthday. It made me realize this wasn't just me being sensitive. Yesterday I sat Jake down to talk about it calmly. I explained that what he said made me feel disrespected and undervalued and that wanting chemistry with another woman is a boundary for me in a relationship. It didn't go the way I hoped. Instead of apologizing or trying to understand where I was coming from he got defensive. He told me I was suffocating him and said that because he's 21 he should be allowed to vibe

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_00] with whoever he wants. He admitted that he finds Sophie intellectually stimulating and that they have a connection he didn't want to suppress just because it made me uncomfortable. Later on I found out from a mutual friend who was there that while I was in the bathroom on my birthday Jake was complaining to Sophie about how serious I am and how he wishes he had someone who just got his energy. That was kind of the final straw for me. At that point it was clear this wasn't just a bad choice of words

[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_00] or maturity gap because he was clearly actively venting to and bonding with another woman right in front of me on my birthday. I ended things last night I told him that if he wants to explore chemistry with Sophie so badly he's free to do that as a single man. Once he realized I was serious he tried to backtrack and said he was just protecting and feeling pressured by my age and expectations. I blocked him. I'm 23 finishing my degree and I know what I want

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER_00] out of a relationship. I'm not going to be a placeholder or a starter girlfriend for someone who doesn't understand basic respect. It hurts and my birthday definitely didn't turn out how I imagined but I'd rather be single than stay with someone who's already looking for sparks somewhere else. Ugh Guy was just actively flirting with her while OP was in the bathroom. Ugh what an absolute scumbag man and good on OP for just saying you know fuck this shit. I deserve much better

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_00] than this absolutely but what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. That's just a huge thank you for being here today getting involved in the story your love your support your time it always means the absolute world to me so thank you so much for being here truly it's absolutely amazing and hopefully I'll see you in the next one take care and much love