My Family Think I'm Wrong For Not Allowing My Parents To Control Sisters Finances r/Relationships

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[00:00:54] It says, I'm the asshole for not allowing my parents to take away my sister's computer and track of finances. Disclaimer, I am not a native English speaker so I may make mistakes here. All quotes here are translated to English. Here's the issue. I, 19 male, am a college student who lives with parents and it's a part-time job so that I have no need to ask parents for money.

[00:01:20] My younger sister recently turned 16 and she really wanted a new computer for her birthday. She was saving up for a new computer for a while now because she wants to do some gaming and her current computer is very old and slow.

[00:01:34] When she asked me to help save up money about a year ago, since our parents have forgotten a few times when she gave them her money for safekeeping and since she's still a minor, I opened a separate bank account in my name and gave her authorization to deposit and withdraw money when she needs it.

[00:01:50] She had saved up some money but not enough for the computer, that I proposed an offer for her birthday. I would pitch in 50% of the computer cost as long as she contributed the other 50%. She was very happy with the offer so we bought the computer and I helped her set it up.

[00:02:07] When our parents saw the computer, they became furious. They demanded that I return the computer to the store as I refused to do so as I believe that my sister needs her and decently fast and private computer.

[00:02:20] Now they are threatening to throw the computer out of the house. I told them that I would agree to reasonable parental control restrictions and would in fact help set them up but if they took it away or considered that theft.

[00:02:33] They also realized that my sister was using me as a safekeeper so they are now demanding access to the account I opened for her, so they're able to track the money.

[00:02:42] I immediately refused to request and told them my sister had a right to entrust her own money to anyone else and have money which is not trackable by them.

[00:02:51] Here's the moment where I think I might be the asshole. I told them maybe if you didn't forget about her money and won't control freets then she would trust you more.

[00:03:01] My parents have told other relatives about the story and most of them claim that I'm the asshole for disobeying my parents.

[00:03:08] So I am the asshole.

[00:03:11] Now the last line is immediately jumping out to me said my parents have told other relatives about the story yet you know they told their side of the story to the rest of the family so I suggest you correct that ASAP.

[00:03:25] At 19 years old you sound like a fantastic brother to me who's just looking out for your sister's best interests.

[00:03:31] I'll bloody cheek of them is it for them be requesting access to track her money when they seem to be forgetting a few times when she's passed their money for safekeeping.

[00:03:42] Of course you're not the asshole to me in this situation but according western says I'm so proudy for sticking up for your sister, she needs someone in a corner.

[00:03:52] I do want to correct you on some things nothing you've written here indicates your parents are good parents they stole from your sister then when they found out you had her money they confronted you and actively trying to steal from your baby sister again.

[00:04:05] Not good parents not even good people also loving control loving parents teach you to be an adult and cheer you on as you take your first steps to independence.

[00:04:15] You had to literally escape from your parents to get out from under their control.

[00:04:19] Now they're doing it to your baby sister and given the level of douche baggery your parents have exhibited in just this short post I bet your sister has a even worse than you since you know she has a vagina she's clearly a second class citizen.

[00:04:33] Flash sarcasm.

[00:04:34] They always try to sabotage your education is she allowed to have friends.

[00:04:38] I keep a good lookout for problems chances are they're going to step up intensity of their controlling behaviors now that you've confronted them.

[00:04:46] Formulate and exit strategy for your sister in case it all goes to hell good luck and you're a good big brother.

[00:04:53] Opie response saying about the money issue some of the incidents were honest mistakes due to our mum being lacks with money in general.

[00:05:00] When we told our dad about the issue he often apologised and refunded the money from his pocket but sometimes the money was not refunded.

[00:05:07] Her education isn't being sabotaged and she's allowed to have friends.

[00:05:11] Our parents generally don't interfere in that.

[00:05:14] According Western replies to Opie and says so your mum steals from her and your dad covers sometimes maybe.

[00:05:21] They try to refuse and destroy her new school laptop sounds like interference to me.

[00:05:26] Sit down have a big convo with your sister and tell her she needs to tell you everything that's going on.

[00:05:31] You're in college in a way your sister is stuck there for the next couple of years.

[00:05:35] If this is what goes on in front of you you know there is more stuff going on when you are absent.

[00:05:40] I'm honestly not trying to be a jerk to you or your parents and I truly hope they haven't epithemy and start acting better.

[00:05:46] I respect you so much for taking charge of this situation with your sister but for now to effectively fight an enemy you need to understand them.

[00:05:54] And yes kind of have to treat them as the enemy in order to protect your sister properly.

[00:05:59] I hope it all works out for you guys and time allows your parents to let you grow to healthy happy adults.

[00:06:04] Your story currently sounds like one of those boring posts that finish with so I move my sister out of our parents house and we're currently no contact with them.

[00:06:13] An Opie responds saying thank you for your reply a few clarifications.

[00:06:18] One she loves the desktop that I own and she specifically wanted a desktop so we got her a desktop for her.

[00:06:24] She's doing school works and gaming and also chatting with friends on that desktop.

[00:06:28] Two I'm staying with my sisters and our parents as the college is in the same city.

[00:06:33] Three I actually offered to move to the dorms but our parents didn't know way.

[00:06:37] Hopefully one they were able to fully mend relationships however my sister needs an ally in the house.

[00:06:43] If the parents aren't being one then I will be.

[00:06:46] So Opie comes in with her update and they first link the original post and say so two days after the post me my sister and our parents sat down to discuss the situation.

[00:06:57] I did apologise for harsh wording on my side but I reiterated that I will do everything I can to make sure my sister keeps her computer and our money is safe.

[00:07:06] Is the surprise my sister actually kept the decent log of all the money she gave to parents for safe keeping it is not the whole estimated sum as she didn't have a log from the start.

[00:07:16] I think she logs 70 to 80% of all owed money.

[00:07:20] Our parents apologise for forgetting about it and even though they didn't give her the money as cash they offered to finance any purchases she decides to make up to that amount.

[00:07:29] We believed it was a decent settlement so we agreed.

[00:07:32] My sister is keeping her new computer but me and our parents did set up some pretty mild parental controls with an agreement to remove them entirely if her academic performance improves.

[00:07:43] They also backed down and said they won't try tracking the money in the account I opened with her. However, they did ask my sister to speak to them before making a large purchases.

[00:07:52] They acknowledged that she has the right to manage her money but they said they wanted to be financially responsible.

[00:07:58] They also offered to be her co-sign as if she wanted her own bank account but she said she is happy with the arrangement she has with me so we left it at that.

[00:08:07] Overall, it wasn't the best we could do but it's a decent settlement and we're back on good terms with our parents.

[00:08:13] Thanks to everyone who contributed to the original post.

[00:08:16] The feedback was very valuable and it helped me pick a right approach. Have a nice day everyone.

[00:08:22] And if I'm being completely honest I'm not sure how I totally felt about that update afterwards.

[00:08:28] I know Opie says it's a decent settlement which I totally get but at the same time it still felt like

[00:08:34] and I know the sisters are minor and they're the parents etc but it just felt like

[00:08:38] he just left me wondering how much money there was for the sister to be keeping a log of all this money.

[00:08:45] And then offering to finance any purchases rather than giving her the money as cash

[00:08:51] which I totally understand about financial responsibility etc but it just didn't feel like that's what they were thinking.

[00:08:59] It wasn't about the sister's best interest, it felt more about control more than anything.

[00:09:03] I don't know if let me know what you guys reckon on this one.

[00:09:06] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

[00:09:13] Our next story does come in an update as well from the M.I.O.R.S.L.

[00:09:16] so I read it from Virgo 514 and says,

[00:09:19] I the asshole for telling my husband he works for himself, not for our family.

[00:09:24] My husband and I have known each other for six years and been married for almost three years now.

[00:09:29] They have a one year old and we're expecting another baby.

[00:09:33] Our marriage has been full of emotional highs.

[00:09:36] We love each other and let the other know regularly.

[00:09:39] My husband has a 9-5 job after which he is also a tutor.

[00:09:44] It started this back when we were in college and it was never an issue.

[00:09:48] It's always had enough time.

[00:09:50] Even in the years leading up to the marriage and the first year of our marriage,

[00:09:54] this was never a big issue.

[00:09:56] However in the last year or so, it's become a big issue and it's getting worse.

[00:10:01] He keeps on adding more classes to his schedule.

[00:10:04] Until last month we had a red line that no classes on Sunday.

[00:10:08] He would devote that entire time to us.

[00:10:10] But last month he even added a class on Sunday on the excuse that the exams are starting.

[00:10:15] It started to feel like me and my son weren't a priority to him anymore.

[00:10:20] Some days he comes home at 11.

[00:10:22] On other days he's doing it online but that's not much better because he still can't give us any time.

[00:10:28] Last Sunday I finally spoke out and told him he was neglecting his family.

[00:10:33] He was offended and told me that he doesn't enjoy having to work so hard

[00:10:37] but he's doing it for our family.

[00:10:39] This is where I told him that no.

[00:10:41] I think he does enjoy it.

[00:10:43] He gives him an excuse to not spend time with us and that he was doing this for himself, not for us.

[00:10:48] As things currently stand, our collective income is more than enough.

[00:10:52] There really was no need for him to add more classes on top of his existing ones.

[00:10:56] He's doing it for himself at this point.

[00:10:59] He's literally busy Monday to Saturday and now he's trying to cross the red line

[00:11:03] we established for Sunday.

[00:11:05] We've been on bad terms since his fight.

[00:11:07] He keeps saying he can't believe that I said he works for himself, not for us.

[00:11:11] And I, the asshole here.

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[00:12:20] I'm gonna start off with the edge miserable 4381 who says my ex was like this.

[00:12:24] After many years I realized he was avoidant.

[00:12:27] He also liked playing the victim and sacrificing so so much for the family.

[00:12:32] He got lots of praise for it.

[00:12:34] We didn't need the extra money either.

[00:12:36] All he sacrificed was a marriage in a decent relationship with his children.

[00:12:40] I hope you can help him see that.

[00:12:42] Maybe counseling together.

[00:12:44] I don't know.

[00:12:45] It sucks though.

[00:12:46] Chance with Panda says not the arsehole,

[00:12:48] he sucks because he's neglecting his family and is working seven days a week.

[00:12:53] I think it's extremely misogynistic of these commenters to say that

[00:12:56] because you don't work,

[00:12:57] that you don't understand the family finances.

[00:13:00] You have a one year old and another on the way.

[00:13:02] You take care of the entire household too because he's never home.

[00:13:06] Working 9-5 and then tutoring jobs.

[00:13:09] And then he disrespecting the family by making the sole decision to work on Sundays

[00:13:13] instead of spending time with his family.

[00:13:16] Edit.

[00:13:17] You're working too?

[00:13:18] Change your list and not the arsehole.

[00:13:20] He's skipping out on parenting while you're working well pregnant

[00:13:23] and taking care of a small child.

[00:13:25] I hope you're able to find an agreement between the both of you.

[00:13:29] Upbeat says not the arsehole,

[00:13:31] these people saying you're the arsehole are crazy.

[00:13:34] And he has a time they would be saying boundaries.

[00:13:36] You both agreed on a boundary.

[00:13:38] He crossed that boundary.

[00:13:39] You're telling everyone that he doesn't need to do Sunday.

[00:13:43] You're all financially stable without it.

[00:13:45] You asked him for one day and he's not giving it to you.

[00:13:48] He is the arsehole.

[00:13:50] I find a comment from CJ Boyce who says my dad is like this,

[00:13:54] still uses work and whatever other bullshit he can come up with

[00:13:57] to avoid spending time with me or my brothers.

[00:14:00] I don't talk to him anymore.

[00:14:01] My little brother almost never sees him

[00:14:03] and the only reason my older brother is in contact with him

[00:14:06] is because he doesn't want to deprive his kids of a grandparent.

[00:14:09] My dad's absolute refusal to be a member of our family was

[00:14:12] the significant factor in my mum divorcing him.

[00:14:15] The right to be upset over this.

[00:14:17] The family council are involved ASAP.

[00:14:20] Not the arsehole.

[00:14:22] Ugh, that's incredibly sad.

[00:14:25] Let's move on to Opie's update which says

[00:14:29] Thank you for the feedback in the last post.

[00:14:32] The commenters said that me asking him to adhere

[00:14:34] to the boundaries we established was reasonable.

[00:14:37] Some comments also suggested that I should not have implied

[00:14:39] that he works just to get away.

[00:14:41] So I was a little apologetic as well.

[00:14:44] After he came back, I decided to talk to him about this.

[00:14:47] The conversation was a bit of a train wreck.

[00:14:50] I brought up the fact that our income far exceed your current

[00:14:53] and projected expenses.

[00:14:55] At me and our son were missing him and needed him

[00:14:57] to spend more time with us.

[00:14:59] I made sure to stress that I appreciated all that he did.

[00:15:02] It just seemed like I were on completely different wavelengths.

[00:15:06] He said that he kept on taking more lessons

[00:15:08] and students because he wanted us to have a good

[00:15:11] standard of living, have better vacations, better schools

[00:15:14] or second house was dumbfounded.

[00:15:17] I never knew he felt that way.

[00:15:19] I stressed our current standard of living was great.

[00:15:22] We make enough money and if he thinks that way,

[00:15:24] there's no end in sight.

[00:15:26] But if he decided we should also have a third house or something.

[00:15:30] Right now, I needed him with me.

[00:15:32] At this point, I kind of lost control and started crying.

[00:15:36] I didn't mean to.

[00:15:37] It wasn't something I wanted to do to pressure him or anything.

[00:15:40] Just the fact that we're at an impasse was wrecking me.

[00:15:43] I told him I've been feeling unhappy.

[00:15:45] I kept compromising and he reneged on it.

[00:15:49] After some more crying and consoling,

[00:15:51] my husband agreed that Sunday should have remained of limits.

[00:15:55] He gently asked me to give him a pass for one more Sunday

[00:15:58] because his student exams end next week

[00:16:00] and he would make Sunday untouchable

[00:16:02] the following semester onwards.

[00:16:04] He also promised to try to resize his classes

[00:16:06] in order to be able to come back home for dinner

[00:16:09] even if it's late dinner.

[00:16:11] He asked for time to do all this.

[00:16:13] I've given it to him and I know he loves us enough

[00:16:16] to do what he promised.

[00:16:17] Thanks for the feedback to their original post.

[00:16:20] And I think it's fair to say after the update,

[00:16:23] the responses were pretty, you know,

[00:16:25] that's not good enough here.

[00:16:27] Try to be home late for dinner.

[00:16:29] You've got a toddler in your currently expecting

[00:16:31] you're working to et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

[00:16:34] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:16:38] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:16:42] And let's move on to another story.

[00:16:46] And our final story does have an update as well.

[00:16:49] Again, from the M.I.V. Arsenal subreddit

[00:16:51] from Dancing Pineapple 4 and says,

[00:16:53] I'm I.V.R.S.O. for telling my flatmate

[00:16:55] that I want to move out because her boyfriend

[00:16:57] is going to live with us for two months.

[00:17:00] My flatmate messaged me the day before she was due

[00:17:03] to arrive back home from holiday

[00:17:05] to let me know that her boyfriend

[00:17:07] would be coming back to live with us for two months

[00:17:09] and he would be finding a job while he lived with us.

[00:17:12] He moved overseas to live and work for a year.

[00:17:15] And if things didn't work out in the other country,

[00:17:17] he'd probably move back with her.

[00:17:19] I was really pissed off.

[00:17:21] She let me know less than 24 hours

[00:17:23] that he would be living with us.

[00:17:25] And she didn't ask either.

[00:17:27] Just let me know what's happening.

[00:17:29] I said I wasn't okay with it

[00:17:30] and I was really clear

[00:17:32] that this is completely unfair on me and disrespectful.

[00:17:35] Our house is quite small

[00:17:37] and I didn't agree to live with three people

[00:17:39] in a small two bedroom house,

[00:17:41] let alone a couple.

[00:17:42] She said sorry but she'll do what she can

[00:17:45] to make sure I'm not inconvenienced.

[00:17:47] I let her know if this was happening

[00:17:49] it had to pay her share.

[00:17:51] I wasn't happy and I wouldn't be around much.

[00:17:54] We used to spend a lot of time together hanging out

[00:17:56] and watching similar TV shows.

[00:17:58] And I let her know that I wouldn't do that anymore

[00:18:01] and instead would just do my own thing in my room

[00:18:03] or stay out of the house.

[00:18:05] She said she agreed with me and she would talk to him.

[00:18:08] When I got home after work,

[00:18:10] they were both there like nothing was wrong.

[00:18:12] When her and I finally got to talk on our own

[00:18:14] I repeated everything I had said.

[00:18:16] She agreed with everything

[00:18:17] and let me know it's only for two months.

[00:18:19] Hopefully.

[00:18:20] I asked if he was moving back

[00:18:22] because I would move out.

[00:18:24] I don't want to be living in limbo.

[00:18:26] She said he wasn't

[00:18:27] and she didn't want to change her life when he would leave.

[00:18:30] I asked if she was sure because he's here for two months

[00:18:33] and I seemingly got no choice in this.

[00:18:35] So what if he decides to stay?

[00:18:37] And then what happens to me?

[00:18:39] She said she spoke with him

[00:18:40] and he's really depressed

[00:18:41] that things didn't work out

[00:18:42] how we thought in the other country

[00:18:44] and she doesn't want to push him or upset him.

[00:18:47] I let her know that I still wasn't happy about the situation

[00:18:50] and she agreed and then nothing happened.

[00:18:53] I said I wouldn't hang out much.

[00:18:55] I'm annoyed and I don't want to get so frustrated

[00:18:57] that I end up saying her full thing

[00:18:59] because I feel stuck and unhappy.

[00:19:02] I thought about it

[00:19:03] and even though it's only been a week,

[00:19:05] I'm still really uncomfortable about it

[00:19:07] so I decided to tell her that I want to move out

[00:19:09] or he needs to find somewhere else to stay for two months

[00:19:12] because I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own house.

[00:19:15] I feel bad

[00:19:16] because I know I've put her in a shitty situation

[00:19:18] because she obviously hasn't spoken to him about all this

[00:19:21] or if she has,

[00:19:22] they are both pretending everything is fine.

[00:19:24] Making my feelings about this seem very dismissed.

[00:19:28] Also, if he does move back overseas after two months

[00:19:31] she's then stuck with Elise.

[00:19:33] She probably can't afford on her own

[00:19:35] but I also don't want to be living for two months

[00:19:37] in a situation I never agreed to

[00:19:39] and then possibly at the end of it

[00:19:41] having to find a new place anyway.

[00:19:44] Absolutely not the asshole in this situation at all

[00:19:47] and you know,

[00:19:48] I wouldn't feel bad about this

[00:19:50] because you're not the one who's put her in a shitty situation

[00:19:53] she's put you in one

[00:19:54] she moved this guy in

[00:19:56] without talking to about it

[00:19:57] she just told you he's come in

[00:19:59] he's moving in

[00:20:00] and that's the end of it.

[00:20:01] She put you in that situation

[00:20:03] and honestly I'm not sure how Lisa's work

[00:20:06] but from stories we've read in the past

[00:20:08] she's changed how many people were living in there

[00:20:11] so surely that's going

[00:20:12] your landlord's not going to be happy about that

[00:20:15] and the comments were pretty much saying the same thing

[00:20:18] you know

[00:20:19] that you're not the asshole at all

[00:20:20] she's put you in the shitty situation

[00:20:22] a lot of people talking about

[00:20:24] you know, the Lisa and

[00:20:26] that you could probably all get kicked out for this

[00:20:29] OP did respond in an update

[00:20:31] and says

[00:20:32] thanks to everyone who commented on my first post

[00:20:34] I'm sorry I didn't reply

[00:20:35] but I read all your messages

[00:20:37] and it was super helpful

[00:20:38] so I've ended up being able to organize moving out

[00:20:41] I gave her a month's notice

[00:20:43] and then being removed off the Lisa moving elsewhere

[00:20:45] it's been incredibly uncomfortable

[00:20:47] I think in the end I didn't deal with it well

[00:20:50] this was all happening just before Christmas

[00:20:52] which is shitty

[00:20:54] I spoke with her again and was firm

[00:20:56] she let me know that she understood

[00:20:57] and he'd be leaving for a week

[00:20:59] before coming back for a short time

[00:21:00] and then leaving again

[00:21:02] I thought this would be okay

[00:21:03] but he never ended up leaving

[00:21:04] and suddenly it was Christmas even

[00:21:06] she was cooking the three of us a Christmas dinner

[00:21:08] while I was at work

[00:21:10] I felt awful

[00:21:11] because I was still mad and annoyed

[00:21:12] as she once again seemed to lie to me

[00:21:14] and yet I couldn't be angry that

[00:21:16] he was still there

[00:21:17] because it was Christmas

[00:21:18] and she was cooking a dinner

[00:21:20] I didn't want to participate

[00:21:21] and accept those nice gestures

[00:21:23] when I felt like it was all fake

[00:21:25] my coworker convinced me

[00:21:27] I had to say something

[00:21:28] it felt horrible

[00:21:29] but she convinced me

[00:21:30] and although I probably ruined my flatmate's Christmas

[00:21:33] I think it needed to be said

[00:21:35] I let her know that I was sorry

[00:21:37] but he never left

[00:21:38] and since she didn't stick to what she said

[00:21:40] I would now be leaving

[00:21:42] she cancelled the dinner

[00:21:43] I wouldn't speak to me when I got home

[00:21:45] later told me that

[00:21:46] she asked him to stay

[00:21:48] because she didn't want to be alone

[00:21:50] she was upset that no one considered her feelings

[00:21:53] and that she was distressed

[00:21:54] because she couldn't please both of us

[00:21:56] she would rather I speak with him directly

[00:21:58] instead of using her as a middle man

[00:22:01] oh deary me

[00:22:03] I was confused and asked

[00:22:05] if I had a guess she had a problem with

[00:22:06] would it be her responsibility to kick them out

[00:22:09] I've been venting to my best friend about everything

[00:22:11] that has happened and in hindsight

[00:22:13] that was an awful mistake

[00:22:15] as she is friends with my flatmate

[00:22:17] but she's recently decided

[00:22:18] that she doesn't want to be friends with this person anymore

[00:22:21] if that is how they treat people

[00:22:23] which is all my fault

[00:22:25] and I've tried to convince her otherwise

[00:22:26] but she won't budge

[00:22:28] I didn't want to move out

[00:22:30] I enjoyed living with this person

[00:22:32] but unfortunately

[00:22:33] I couldn't let the blatant disregard for the fact

[00:22:35] that it's also meant to be my house go

[00:22:37] and so the next week I move out

[00:22:39] I do feel bad about how this all went down

[00:22:42] but I also feel relieved

[00:22:44] I bet you do

[00:22:46] not the bad

[00:22:47] just relieved

[00:22:48] you shouldn't feel bad in this situation at all

[00:22:50] like I said in the last post

[00:22:52] she's the one who's put you in this situation

[00:22:55] and then says

[00:22:56] I'm just the middle person in this

[00:22:58] when she invited this guy over

[00:23:00] and kind of like you said in that post

[00:23:02] the Christmas dinner just sort of felt like it was

[00:23:04] like manipulation

[00:23:05] trying to get in your good books within

[00:23:07] let's get around the table

[00:23:08] maybe bonding some way

[00:23:11] and then you'll forget about it

[00:23:14] I'd absolutely be pissed off

[00:23:16] if someone moved into sort of my living space

[00:23:19] without any consent you know

[00:23:22] again just more weird-ass logic

[00:23:24] that someone thinks is acceptable

[00:23:26] but anyway

[00:23:27] what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:23:30] Have you yourself ever been in like

[00:23:32] a weird roommate situation

[00:23:34] like that

[00:23:35] at the deal with some drama?

[00:23:37] let us know your thoughts down in the comments below

[00:23:40] just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart

[00:23:42] for getting involved in today's stories

[00:23:44] your love, your support, your time

[00:23:46] always means the absolute world to me

[00:23:48] so thank you so so much for being involved

[00:23:50] truly

[00:23:51] and hopefully

[00:23:52] I'll see you

[00:23:53] in the next one

[00:23:54] take care

[00:23:55] and much love

[00:24:10] you