My Detective Fiance Treats Me Like A Suspect In Our Own Relationship | r/RelationshipAdvice

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark B and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from a throwaway account from the Relationship Advice subreddit. And it says,

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00] My 32 female, Fiance 37 male, is a homicide detective. I'm starting to feel like he treats me more like a suspect than a partner. My fiance and I have been together for almost four years. He's a homicide detective. My friends immediately started side-eyeing me. They said don't date a cop. It's not worth it. They're all abusive, etc. None of them have ever actually dated a cop, so I found their opinions more annoying than any other.

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00] I just felt like they were basing their judgment off a stereotype. My mum said similar things, but she dated a cop who was former military with PTSD like 49 years ago and based everything off of that. Lately though, a few things have started to bother me. I don't know if it's just that these incidents seem to be more frequent or if I was just willfully blind to it before. I'm just bothered by these things now. He records our arguments.

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00] I've known about that for a while. He told me it was to make sure we remember things correctly and communicate better. And I believed him at first. I didn't like it and I thought it was petty and stupid. I asked him if he saved the recordings and he said he deletes them once the argument was resolved. I've since found a folder on his computer labeled with dates and times and they're recordings of arguments or other conversations we've had going back over a year.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00] He notices tiny changes in my behavior and asks questions in a way that feels more like an interrogation than concern. I also recently discovered he's done background checks on some of my friends and co-workers. Sometimes his phone buzzes and he steps out for hours without explanation. But he just says he's handling work stuff whenever I ask. He makes cryptic comments like, you know I only trust what I can verify or I like to know everything that might matter.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00] When it comes to things between us, not strictly talking about work. Then he laughs it off but the words stick. It's hard to tell when he's joking and when he's serious. I love him but it's like sometimes I feel like he's treating me like I'm some sort of suspect. He doesn't seem to trust anyone, including me. Every little disagreement feels like it could be evidence.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00] Recently he's made some comments related to having kids, without having a tracker on them at all times and never letting them spend the night at friends' houses. This came after I told him that people at work were saying their kids don't have sleepovers like we used to have. He said he'll never have kids spend the night at somebody else's house. And he'll do background checks on every parent of our kids' friends and teachers. I feel like these sort of comments are becoming more frequent and it's just escalating. How do I handle this with him?

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00] How do I discuss this in a way that won't turn into a dumb argument that he inevitably records for no good reason? I honestly don't know how to bring this up to him. I've considered telling him he needs therapy because he cannot continue to live life so suspicious and paranoid about everything and everyone. I'm pretty sure he'll refuse that. This whole thing sounds exhausting. The recording of your conversations and constantly feel like you're being watched over and over again.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00] I mean, how do you live like that? And it's not something that's going to change anytime soon. So how do you move forward with this? And I don't know the full legal ins and outs of any of this, but what he's doing doesn't sound like it's legal at all. If he's running background checks on random people like this, it sounds dodgy as fuck. But Bobby says, this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Adventurer says, I could barely take it for the length of the post. The rest of her life makes me feel like I'm vicariously suffocating.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00] Just as I can be so cruel says, oh boy. Did your fiance date my aunt because your story sounds really familiar? Only her cop boyfriend was separated from his wife. And when he refused to actually divorce his wife because he didn't want his ex marrying her new boyfriend, my aunt broke up with him. And then it got really bad. She had to leave the state because his harassment afterwards was so scary. And no cop would back her up because they were all his buddies.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00] She only got out because she went around and asked the neighbors to please point their cameras at her house in case he murdered her. And he found a new young girl to obsess over. So yeah, I'm not saying I would never date a cop, but I would have ended the relationship the first time we tried to record our arguments. This is a sign of a much bigger problem that you are only just now starting to realize. I get why he's paranoid. He sees the worst of people. But you are his partner.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00] If he can't trust you, then there is no point in being his partner. It doesn't get better. It only gets worse. For the love of God, don't have sex with him if you are thinking of leaving. My aunt's ex got her pregnant because he tampered with her birth control. And if she hadn't miscarried from the fucking stress, she would have been stuck with him in her life. Be careful. And one more commenter who says 51 female here and a lawyer. Everyone always says we love to argue.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00] Life would be pretty miserable for everyone around us if we didn't turn that off outside work. What I do is just part of my job. That's not what he's doing. This is who he is. Turn things around. Instead of thinking, well, he's just like this because his job made him this way. What if maybe, just maybe he chose this profession because it gives him a socially acceptable way to exert control and power over others? This is a profession that attracts abusive people.

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00] And he is one. Period. So it was a month after this post that OP did come in with an update. And they said, I think a good starting point would be for me to admit that I do believe my fiance is a good man. He's not cruel. He's not an aggressive or violent man. And he believes with all his heart that he's right most of the time. Of course, I realize a lot of people were pretty negative in their comments towards me in response to my original post. And part of me wants to thank you all for your concern.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00] But another part of me wonders if part of this negative response is simply because of the nature of his work. After sitting on all this for a few days, I decided I couldn't put off this conversation anymore. I told him that we have to talk and this isn't about winning an argument. I began with the recordings. I told him I knew he had been stockpiling arguments with our friends going all the way back a year ago and how it makes me feel violated and threatened. He did not deny this. He explained to me why he holds them.

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00] In case things ever get twisted. And protecting himself. To hear my fiancé speak of our relationship in a way that implies he considers our life a potential lawsuit threatened me. When I mentioned this style of questioning me and observing small shifts in my behavior, he explained that this is simply how his brain works. And that given all he's observed in his work, he can't simply shut it off. He explained to me that pointing out details doesn't mean he believes I'm doing anything incorrect.

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00] Simply that he likes to verify rather than assume. He told me most detectives' girlfriends simply get used to it. Leaving me to wonder if this is a common fact or simply a defense people make when they're in fact engaging in poor behavior. The background checks on my friends and colleagues escalated into a bigger problem. He confessed to doing them and stated definitely he would do the same on people in relation to our future children.

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00] He did not think it was an invasion of privacy but being informed. Those people with nothing to hide did not need to worry. The talk about children was most sobering. He doubled down on trackers, no sleepovers and careful screening of every adult in their lives. When I called this controlling, he said, Healthy doesn't matter if they're safe. That phrase has stuck in my head since. I asked him if he trusted me. He paused for a very long time before answering me.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00] He finally said that he trusts me as much as he trusts anyone else. I think he did not realize how very unnerving this answer was. I just want to know where his limits are. I asked him what would happen if we broke up. He said he would never do anything illegal but that he thinks a man must take care of himself all the time. What's that even supposed to mean? I've asked for some space and I'm currently staying with family. He didn't appear angry and I really thought he would get attitude about it and accuse me of being dramatic.

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_00] He acted very coldly and matter of fact about it. While I'm not putting an end to our engagement just yet, I'm definitely considering everything. As much as I love him and think he genuinely wants to do good in our relationship, I don't want a life where I'm observed, recorded and assessed rather than being in a relationship where I have someone's support. Moreover, I don't think I can raise children with a man who prioritizes control over trust.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00] Commenter comes straight in and says to OP it's illegal for him to be running background reports on random people. He's abusing his position. A bookish sort says yeah. I had to run a background check for people when I worked at child protective services. A couple of us were trained to use the system. We were told we could face prison time if we didn't have a reason to look someone up. There had to be a paper trail and a reason for the inquiry. Jay says yeah, exactly this.

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_00] Those systems are locked down for a reason and you don't just casually look up people without a legit case or paper trail. Hearing that makes the whole just being informed excuse sound way less normal to be honest. Another commenter says he's on a major power trip. He has no intention of changing. Think real hard. This is the rest of your life. Just think how messed up his kids are going to be growing up in that environment. You can save your kids from that future. I'm legit scared for you.

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00] Please be safe. Commodore says yes. He's actually proud of his illegal actions running these checks. He likes the power over people. Opie says this I can agree with. And Wittystock says dude is flat out telling you he's gathering evidence to destroy your life if he doesn't like something. And you're still considering whether to marry him. He's a cop. He's got an entire department. Plus prosecutors, lawyers and judges in his sphere of influence.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00] He has the ability to harass you and have his colleagues harass you in perpetuity. And he's already shown you he's controlling and has no boundaries. Please end this. I hope Opie does take a look back and read what she wrote herself in this. Some of the things that pointed out what he said about I trust you as much as I trust anyone else. And there was a long pause while doing this at the same time. And another line he came out with. Healthy doesn't matter if they're safe.

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_00] He's telling her, you know, doesn't matter about the kids emotional well-being if you like. And he will sacrifice that for what he considers safe. And then the line, of course, most detectives girlfriends get used to it. Ugh, deary me. Basically, you have to accept my behavior. Other people do. So you should too. And the thing I found most scary about this is like he wasn't getting angry or anything. He was just cold about it. He was just like Opie said, just matter of fact about it.

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_00] Now, before anything, I hope Opie stays absolutely safe in this and looks after herself in the best way to do it. But it's one that needs to end, in my opinion. He doesn't trust her, won't stop surveilling her and the people around her. Any potential children are going to be treated the same way. I mean, what is there here? But what do you guys make of this situation? How would you deal with it if it was you? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story.

[00:12:22] [SPEAKER_00] Now, our next story comes from actualmess2961 from the marriage subreddit. And it says, was I a jerk to my stepdaughter? Throw away account. I need some input before having a serious discussion with my husband. We, me, female 29, him, male 45, have been together for two years. We bought a house together. It has a fully furnished basement that we intended for our out-of-town guests we occasionally have. My husband has a 21-year-old daughter.

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_00] She was studying in the US. We live in Canada. In March, she called us and said she was pregnant and that her boyfriend had abandoned her. She was very stressed and quit school. She was supposed to temporarily move in with us until she got back on her feet. She's been living in the basement, which is basically a two-bedroom apartment. She eats all her meals upstairs and the baby is upstairs until bedtime. My husband and I work opposite shifts.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00] We text and communicate all day, but our only intimate time is when one comes home early in the morning and the other about to get ready for work. Our shower in the master bedroom is basically our only alone time. This morning, my stepdaughter said our shower is making noises because it is old. She said she can hear us and that we are disgusting. My husband and I are normally very quiet, so I'm not sure what she is talking about. She said I need to stop because it grosses her out.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_00] I told her not that I owe her any explanation, but I can do what I want in my house. She said she lives here, so she has a say. I said she is a guest and that guests normally move out eventually. She then started yelling that it's her dad's house and that she will come first before some gold-digging whore. I replied that I make the same amount as her dad and that we bought this place together. I said she should be grateful that we welcomed her. She continued screaming and she left and then I left.

[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_00] Later, I got a text from my husband asking what was going on because his daughter was spiraling. I explained everything and he said that what I said was not very kind, but that we will talk later. Was I a jerk to my stepdaughter? Playful Frosting says, Problem is, you're not much older than her and she doesn't respect you. Opie says she really doesn't sadly. Negative reply saying, Yeah, this is definitely the issue. I wouldn't even want to call a woman 8 years older than me my stepmother.

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00] That's just too weird, but she should show you respect in your home. Next time she acts out, ask her dad to handle it. If she thinks it's so disgusting, She can talk to him about it. Puzzled Fix says, As a non-paying guest, I would never criticize my hosts. If they were intimate in the lounge room at 3pm every day, I'd avoid the lounge room at 3pm every day and keep my grateful mouth shut. It's not my home, it's theirs. If the conversation with your husband doesn't end in,

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00] I'll tell my daughter to mind her own business, I'd end the relationship. Life is way too short to put up with abuse in your own home. Opie says,

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_00] Pippi says, I've talked to both of them many times. It's always something happens and my husband begs that this is the last time and his daughter needs to get out for her mental health. Then I get guilt tripped. Pippi says, Your husband seems to be the problem here, allowing his daughter to act like a child and not contribute. She should appreciate what you both are doing for her and it doesn't seem like she does. Her apology is definitely needed for her to continue living there after what she said to you and called you.

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_00] I would definitely stop the free childcare. So Opie did come back in to update the post and says, I promised to update after my talk with my husband. So here it is. He sat both of us down and said we cannot live like this. There has been name calling and giving each other attitude. He suggested that we all apologize and move on and said he would start. He then turned to his daughter and said he was sorry if she heard us. That it must have been very traumatizing for her

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_00] and that we know she is going through a hard time and we love her. When it was my turn I said I was not sorry at all because there is no way she heard us. I work long hours and I've been a full-time maid for your daughter. I also said that she calls me names all the time despite everything I do for her. I told them I was done doing anything for her. I said to clean up your own mess, pick up your baby's dirty diapers off the living room floor. Why are you even leaving them there?

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00] Clean your damn bathroom, cook your own food, do your own laundry and I'm not watching your baby ever again. She got angry and yelled at her dad saying look how she treats me. I told my husband this is how she appreciates all the work I do after a 12-hour shift. She is not only ungrateful, she expects it. He kept saying that both of us needed to stop and that we should find a way forward. I told him either she leaves or I do.

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_00] I said that if I leave, I'm selling the house and getting my share of the assets. He kept saying I was being ridiculous. She then called me an evil bitch and said it kills me that I do not have a baby and that is why I'm jealous. I didn't even bother replying to her. I'm done talking to her. Her dad didn't even say one word to her. I told my husband to decide. He said he does not want to lose me but she is his daughter and she can stay as long as she wants.

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_00] I told him I would talk to a lawyer about fighting for divorce and selling her assets. As of now, I will not be lifting a finger for either of them. He tried to talk to me but I said I'm not interested. I will go to my parents for the holidays alone. Merry Christmas to me. True Believer says to the OP, OP, wow, good for you. Your stepdaughter is an entitled little bitch and now she's daddy's problem. OP says I'm more angry at my soon-to-be ex-husband. True Believer says you should be.

[00:18:46] [SPEAKER_00] He's raised her to be spoiled and believes you need to spoil her too. He's doing her a huge disservice by not demanding she put her own weight in your household and treats you respectfully. I wonder how their relationship will fare when your husband no longer has you to clean up after her. That Cobra says, I don't blame him for allowing his daughter and grandchild to stay but the lack of respect is mind-boggling. He'll probably come around once another plan is determined. Divorce and splitting of assets is incredibly painful.

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_00] Can't help but think the bizarre 16-year age gap played at least part of a role in this. Stunned disbelief says he'll come around when he starts coming home to a disaster house and a daughter who expects to go out and party. And OP isn't there to take care of it all. OP proud that you stood up for yourself but going forward realize that large age gaps like the one you had fail more often than they succeed for a whole host of reasons including life experience, life stages

[00:19:46] [SPEAKER_00] and especially when there are kids that are close in age to the new spouse. Stay strong. And Jane Austen Astronaut says, Oh yeah, I caught that age gap too. OP's husband thought he was getting a bang made in OP. Too bad for him that she has her own money and isn't dependent on him. It means it's easier for her to walk away. And a lot of the comments were just talking about that initial age gap and the red flags around it. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_00] What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Now this is one of the top ones in the Am I the Arsehole subreddit currently from RingerRingerRoses. No update as yet, just to give you that warning. And it says, Am I the Arsehole for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiance? And a quick trigger warning before we do get any further into this that there is talk of death in a car crash. So if you do want to skip it,

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_00] please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along with the timeline below. Thank you. It says, Am I the Arsehole for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiance? I'm using a throwaway as I don't want the drama of this on my main Reddit. I hope you all understand. I, 36 female, lost my fiance nearly 11 years ago in a car crash. We were both in the car, but I got out with only minor injuries while he died instantly. This messed me up quite a bit

[00:21:14] [SPEAKER_00] and I was in and out of therapy and support groups for years over this. The support group is where I met my current partner, 45 male. He is a widower who lost his wife to cancer and we understood each other's pain a lot and bonded over it. Three years ago, we started dating and we moved in with each other last month. I've remained close with the family of my late fiance since I lost him and they were a great support to me in the first few years. However,

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00] his mother, 61 female, asked me last week for the ring he gave me back since I'm now seriously involved with another man. She said she wanted the ring to keep in the family and it didn't mean a lot to have it. This upset me. The ring he gave me wasn't a family ring and it's a garnet and emerald ring he picked out because those are our birthstones and I didn't want a traditional diamond. We picked the ring out together and he saved for months to get me it. It holds a lot of beautiful memories for me,

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_00] even if it's bittersweet. I'm now at a point where I can enjoy the good memories without too much pain. Me being in a relationship now doesn't mean I have this ring gathering dust in the drawer somewhere. I wear it on my right hand now, the same way my partner wears his wedding ring. We both feel it's okay to honor our lost loved ones this way and neither of us have any jealousy or negative feelings over this. Hell, we have a picture of my fiance and his wife on the wall of our living room. I told her I could understand

[00:22:41] [SPEAKER_00] if it had been a family ring he'd inherited, though that would still have made me feel a little weird to have her asking for it back, but it isn't a family ring. It's my ring that we picked out together and I plan to wear it for the rest of my life. She insisted it should be back in the family, however, and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he died. I ended up hanging up on her as I was so upset and I've been avoiding her calls since. My partner is angry on my behalf

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_00] that she even asked this and told me she was being ridiculous and that I should wear the ring as long as I want to. I can't help but feel I'm being punished for finding someone to make me happy, that I was supposed to mourn him forever in her eyes. I've spoken to my parents about this too to get their insight on it and my mum feels that maybe I should give the ring back as his mother is clearly just hurting and wants to hold on to something of her son. My dad, meanwhile, says he can see both sides of this and it's my choice.

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_00] I don't know. I might be a bit too emotional over this. Am I being the arsehole or unreasonable here? Edits. A couple of people seem confused. My current partner is not my new fiancé or my husband. I call him my partner because he feels at his age being called a boyfriend is a bit too humorous as if he's young. If we're being technical, however, he is my boyfriend. We've only just moved in together. I'm sorry if my wording caused any confusion.

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_00] Absolutely not the arsehole in this situation at all and that is your ring full stop. No other way about it. His mum is likely still grieving. It's 11 years on for sure but the pain never just vanishes away and she's probably still really cut up by it. Doesn't make excuses for what she does. Absolutely not of course. Like you said, this wasn't some sort of family heirloom. This was something that was purchased for you. Something that you bought together. Your fiancé saved up for this and you both picked out stones

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00] that represented your connection to one another and he gave it to you and he would still want that ring with you. And I have to say Opie's current relationship sounds absolutely beautiful. The fact that, you know, they've got pictures of both their late loved ones on the living room wall is just an absolute wonderful thing and it sounds like hopefully they're building something really special with each other. Being able to comfortably honor lost loved ones

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_00] while creating something new at the same time. I think that's just a really lovely thing. But Big Toe says, you keep saying give the ring back. Stop using that language. There is no one to give it back to. It belongs to you and only you. That she would even ask is strange but that is not your problem. The ring is yours. The answer is no. If she chooses to hold us against you, just let her. This has nothing to do with you. I would tell her there is no way on earth

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_00] I would ever part with a ring the love of your life purchased just for you. Sometimes you have to let people feel the way they feel and sometimes their feelings ruin a relationship. You are not the arsehole. Another commenter says not the arsehole. You wouldn't be giving the ring back as it was never his family's. The ring is entirely a symbol of his and your relationship. To call it his last major purchase is a strange way to justify wanting it frankly. That may be just awkward wording on her part

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_00] but the fact is that to her that really is all it is to her. Something he spent a lot of money on that was meaningful to him. But it isn't meaningful to her in the same way it is meaningful to you. Which is why she can't frame it as anything better than his last major purchase. The way it is symbolic to you is the very purpose of the ring's existence. And a commenter who was highly upvoted got some awards on this one said it's Fitcoat8634 said not the arsehole.

[00:26:32] [SPEAKER_00] The situation is deeply layered and more than one person can be grieving in different ways at the same time. Your former fiance's mother is clearly still in pain. And it's understandable that she wants to hold on to something that connects her to her son. That deserves empathy. At the same time the ring represents your relationship, your loss and your healing. It wasn't a family heirloom or something passed down through his family. It was a personal symbol chosen by two people who intended to build her life together. And that meaning doesn't disappear

[00:27:01] [SPEAKER_00] because you've continued living your life. Moving forward doesn't erase the past. Honoring your late fiance while also allowing yourself happiness isn't a betrayal. The fact that your current partner understands this shows emotional maturity and respect for the complexity of grief, not unresolved attachment. Grief can blur boundaries. While the request likely comes from pain rather than malice, insisting after you said no crosses a line. You're not responsible for managing someone else's grief

[00:27:31] [SPEAKER_00] by sacrificing your own. If you do choose to speak with her again, it may help to gently acknowledge that this loss isn't hers alone. You could say something like, I want you to know that I'm grieving him too and in a different way than you, but just as deeply. That ring isn't just jewelry to me. It holds the love we shared, the life we were planning, the future we lost, our home, our marriage, the children we talked about, everything we were building together.

[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_00] Keeping it isn't about moving on from him or replacing him. It's about honoring the life and love that never got the chance to fully exist. That approach validates her pain while clearly affirming yours without giving up your boundary. You're not being unreasonable. You're holding space for love, loss, and growth at the same time. And that takes real emotional intelligence. But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What would you do in this situation if you was OP?

[00:28:30] [SPEAKER_00] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. Forever thankful. And I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.