My Daughter Wants Her Step-Dad To Walk her Down The Aisle Even Though I'm Paying! r/Relationships

[00:00:02] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting the like, the subscribe, maybe even the cheeky notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:21] Now today's first story comes from PowerfulActivity333 and says, Am I the arsehole for not letting my daughter invite her stepdad to walk her down the aisle? Especially since I'm paying for everything. So my 56 male daughter, 25 female, is getting married next spring. I've been looking forward to this for years and she and I have always been close.

[00:00:45] Her mum and I split when she was around 12 and she mostly lived with me after that. I've been in her life full time so I always figured that I'd have that classic father-daughter moment at her wedding. Her mum remarried about 5 years ago. And let's just say I'm not a fan of her new husband. He's a guy who always needs to be the centre of attention, loud and over the top and just exhausting.

[00:01:08] He's pulled stunts even at family gatherings from my side, always making everything about him. I put up with it to keep things civil, but it's been a challenge for me all the time. I still invite him for my daughter's sake. Fast forward to now, my daughter is wedding planning and told me she'd like her stepdad to walk her halfway down the aisle with me. I couldn't believe that. I told her, as her actual father, it's a bit hurtful to have to share this big moment with someone who's only been in her life for a few years.

[00:01:39] I've been there through everything. Every school event, every late night, every hard time. Her stepdad has just recently come into the picture and it stings that she wants to include him in a moment I always assumed was ours. To make things even harder to swallow, I'm covering all the wedding expenses. I've spent a significant amount so she could have a dream wedding.

[00:02:01] I don't want to be petty, but part of me feels like it's only fair to expect that I have the honour of walking her down the aisle. Just me and her. She got defensive, saying she wants to include him because he's been supportive. But I explained that to me, this is about a father-daughter tradition and how much I value our relationship. Now she's upset. My ex-wife has also joined, saying I'm being selfish and making it all about me.

[00:02:28] I've now become a full-blown topic of discussion, with everyone throwing some petty, harsh words my way. In frustration, I finally told her that if she really wants him to be there, she should ask him if he'd also like to split the bills. That might have been a bit much, but I was feeling cornered. So, am I the arsehole for not wanting to share the aisle with her stepdad? Especially since I'm also paying for the whole thing. I just want to add a note here, as there is some confusion.

[00:02:55] My daughter told she wants him to walk her down the aisle as my ex-wife and her husband asked her for this. This was not something that she came up with. Just wanted to provide that clarity, as some people are thinking it was my daughter's wishes. The first commenter said to OP, not the arsehole. This is your ex-wife's sinner partner's wish, not your daughter's. Don't let yourself get manipulated into thinking you're in the wrong here. He pays 50%. Sure, she lost a good reason there. He doesn't walk her down the aisle.

[00:03:24] Beth said he wants to be the center of attention again, on someone else's wedding day. Dude is gross. Warned all to that he'll try and upstage her. Blackstar says not the arsehole. As a consistently active parent, even into adulthood, this is a significantly special moment for you and your daughter. Whether you're footing the bill of the wedding or not, you and you alone should be the one walking her down the aisle. Although I have a feeling that the stepdad is the one who suggested this, not your daughter.

[00:03:53] She might have just been the messenger. OP says you were right. He did. Him and my ex-wife both did. I love my daughter a lot, but my wife left us alone when my daughter was just 12. She cheated on me and turned her back on our daughter too. She wanted to come back into our life and I let her because at the end of the day, she is my daughter's mother. However, it hurts me that my daughter did not stand up to them or cannot clearly see they are both trying to come between us.

[00:04:20] Sometimes I do think I should suck it up, but it breaks my heart at the same time. Blackstar replies saying, They are already manipulating your daughter. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to that as well. Stand your ground. As the person who's paying for the wedding, let them know your only requests are to be the one who gives her away because you've walked with her through every stage of life and should be the one walking her down the aisle. And the father-daughter dance.

[00:04:46] Because from what it sounds like, they're trying to take that from you since you're walking her down the aisle. Also, talk to your daughter and let her know that asking and expecting you to share this moment with a man who played no part in raising her diminishes the constant love and support that you pour into her. Opie says it really means a lot to hear that someone else gets where I'm coming from. It's been rough trying to explain that this isn't about control or making it about me, but rather about honoring the role I've had in her life.

[00:05:14] I appreciate the advice on setting boundaries. The father-daughter dance is something I hadn't even thought about them taking away. But now I'm worried you're right. I'm going to have an honest conversation with her and make it clear that these two moments, the walk down the aisle in the dance, are all I'm asking for as her father. Blackstar replies saying, I think you'll find that most people would agree with you. Maybe after you've gotten additional feedback, you can speak with your daughter and you all can come to an agreement.

[00:05:41] It may even help to share some of the feedback you've gotten from her. Good luck to you. Update us if you can. Opie says, Thank you. I will definitely try and talk to her and give an update by night as she is coming back from university today. Thank you once again, everyone, for your advice and supportive words. So Opie comes in with our update and says, Update after talking with my daughter and family. I have not been able to read all the comments, but I see some people asking for an update on this situation.

[00:06:10] There is a lot of comments and I won't be able to reply to every one of them. So I'm adding my message here for everyone to read. I didn't expect so many people to comment on this situation. And I'm really grateful for all the perspectives and messages I've received. It made me feel very less alone. I've also got some messages about the cost of the wedding. I've had to add that this is a destination wedding. So some of the bills are due to flight costs. My daughter's makeup artists and a few gifts I'm giving to my daughter.

[00:06:38] So after taking in your advice, I sat down with my daughter to have an honest conversation about everything. I explained why walking her down the aisle was so important to me, how much it means as a father, and why it felt unfair to be asked to share this moment with her stepdad. I apologized to her, trying to express that I never intended to make her worry about the bills. I told her I'm doing it because I love her and want to give her the day of her dreams. I told her I said it out of frustration, and she had nothing to worry about.

[00:07:07] Unfortunately, the talk didn't go as I'd hoped. She got pretty upset and told me I was ruining her day, and that I didn't understand the pressure she was under from everyone to keep the peace. She was worried about her mum getting angry. When I told her I felt hurt by all of this, she accused me of threatening her, and even called me a narcissist. I'll be honest, she used terms I don't fully understand, but it stung. She mentioned that her mum has been really nice to her for the past few years, and that she doesn't want to lose that relationship.

[00:07:36] To her, my ex-wife is her best friend now, and she didn't have that growing up. I get it. My ex-wife and my daughter do have a lot in common. Things like fashion, accessories, and other interests. My daughter is very much like her in that regard. My ex-wife and her husband also came over so they could all discuss it as a family. My sister happened to be there too, and she stayed to support me. Which helped keep me calm. When they arrived, things only got more tense.

[00:08:04] My daughter told them she no longer wanted me paying for the wedding, and asked if they could step in instead. I knew this was a very bad idea, and knew it would not end well. I knew she would reject it, but it would break my daughter's heart. I thought my ex-wife will do it in a smart way, so my daughter is not hurt. But my ex-wife flat out said she couldn't pay because she was saving for her son's college fund. Her son from a marriage before her current husband. Her son is 15, so college is still 5-6 years away.

[00:08:33] But she said that was her priority. I knew this would end this way, but I never expected my daughter to get frustrated with me and just ask them directly. I knew she trusted her mom deeply, and I did want her to know her mother is not the best support. But I didn't want my daughter finding out this way. I could see it really broke her heart. My daughter really had started to trust her mother. Her husband then jumped in, saying I was being a jerk and making the day about myself. At that point, I finally had enough.

[00:09:01] I told him that my intent was never to hold anything over anyone, especially not my daughter. And I was only hurt because I wanted a moment with her that I looked forward to her whole life. I explained that I was still willing to pay for everything. My daughter was visibly upset after realizing that her mom and stepdad weren't willing to contribute a cent to the wedding. By the end of it all, my daughter looked heartbroken. I could see she was hurt realizing her mom would rather prioritize her half-brothers college fund,

[00:09:29] years down the line, over helping her with a wedding now. She told me she needed some space to process everything, and I told her I'd give her all the space she needs. As for my ex-wife, she wasn't done. She said I'd ruined everything, and that I was the reason my daughter no longer respects her mother and stepdad. She blamed me for this entire mess, saying I'd manipulated the situation to create a rift between them and my daughter. I'm glad my daughter knows the truth about her mom and stepdad, but I didn't want her to find out this way.

[00:09:59] So that's where we're at. I'm just trying to be there for my daughter in whatever way she needs. So that's where we're at. A double, that's where we're at. Thank you all again for the support. This helped me feel a lot less alone in this. I have to mention, my future son-in-law had insisted to my daughter that her mom and stepdad should pay for the wedding instead of me. When I talked to him about it afterwards, he explained that he wanted my daughter to learn that her mom might not have her best intentions for her.

[00:10:27] To be fair, he's not a fan of my ex-wife because she's made snarky remarks about his mother in the past, so I know he only did this to get back at my ex-wife. But at the end, this has left my daughter feeling broken. She's a very open heart and trusts people easily. I wanted her to know that this was wrong, but not in a way where she feels betrayed by her own mother. She carries a lot of pain from the past. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will end this message here. Wish you all luck.

[00:10:55] So, I was curious about how much this wedding is going to cost. Because I was finding myself getting frustrated about her asking willy-nilly about people paying for a wedding. I thought, that's a bit entitled, isn't it? But OP came in. I found this comment from OP which mentions the price. It says,

[00:11:59] I'll be totally honest. I'm just kind of a bit gobsmacked by that price of the wedding. I know loads of people are probably going to come in and say, Ah, no, I've been to a wedding that costs that much. But holy shit. You can get a nice little house for that. Gee whiz. But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story.

[00:12:25] Now, our next story comes from Soft Ordinary that says, Am I the arsehole for not allowing my son to be punished after he refused to do his school presentation? For some background, I have 50-50 custody of my two boys with my ex-girlfriend. To make this easier, I'll give them names. My son, George, just turned 13 this month. He's a bit less physically developed than what's typical for his age. He hasn't hit a growth spurt yet and is one of the shortest boys in his class.

[00:12:53] If you saw him, you'd probably guess he's around 10 or 11 rather than 13. He didn't show any signs of puberty until August. This might not seem relevant, but it is. George is very bright, projected to get 8s or 9s in his GCSEs, and regularly achieves these grades in his mock exams and assessments. But he struggles with making friends and has dealt with bullying in the past. Things are better now, but he's still far from being a popular kid at school.

[00:13:22] As part of his product design class, he had to create a children's toy and give a sales pitch to the class. Last Friday was the presentation day, and George was really excited. He'd put a lot of effort into his toy and the presentation. That's why I was shocked when I got a notification from the school app saying George had been given a C3, after-school detention, something he's never received before.

[00:13:46] The reason? He'd refused to participate in class and didn't do his presentation. Since they're not allowed phones during school hours, I couldn't message him to ask what had happened. When I picked him up, I could tell immediately that he was upset. I asked him what happened and why he didn't do the presentation. At first, he was hesitant to explain. He said he didn't refuse the presentation. When it was his turn, he asked to go later.

[00:14:14] His teacher said no, and that he had to do it or get a C3. George said he couldn't do it now, but didn't explain further when asked, so he was given the C3. I was still confused as to why he didn't want to present when asked, so I kept pressing him, worried that maybe he was being bullied again. Eventually, he told me the reason. He had a random erection just before his turn, and no matter what, it wouldn't go down. With that information, I think George's request was perfectly reasonable.

[00:14:44] He didn't refuse to do the presentation. He simply asked to do it a little later. Obviously, he didn't want to explain the reason in front of the whole class when the teacher asked him. His mom was really angry with him for getting the C3 and confiscated his Xbox. I tried explaining what had happened and said I didn't think George was wrong. Since it was my week, I decided I wouldn't support the detention and would pick him up at the normal time. When I told his mom, she looked disgusted and said something like, why did he even have one in class to begin with?

[00:15:14] I explained that random erections happen, especially in early puberty, and they don't always relate to sexual thoughts, which is what she was assuming. She replied, well, I'm not sure that's true, dismissing what I said. So I told her, you might not be sure, but I am. She insisted we needed to present a united front, along with the school, and that by going against her, I was sending George the wrong message. I asked her why her way of handling it was automatically right,

[00:15:43] and why I should be the one to concede. It escalated into a big argument, which we hadn't had in years. We aren't friends, but we usually get along fine, and she's usually responsible. She's saying she is going to punish him for refusing when it's her week with him next week, and that I am being an arsehole for going against her. Her mother texts me saying I was setting a bad example for George by letting him get away with being disrespectful to his teacher, which she wasn't even, just asked to do his presentation later.

[00:16:11] I respectfully told her she should mind her own business, and that George was my son. But now I'm worrying whether I've done the right thing, and I need some outside perspectives. Now I can't see how you'll be the arsehole in this situation for just sticking up for your son, which I don't blame your son for not wanting to stand up in that particular moment. It would have been embarrassing, and it could have been devastating to his school life as well. You know, kids can be fucking cruel sometimes. That's a fact.

[00:16:37] And I would consider, like, talking to the school about it as well, in some kind of way. Because I'm not sure if it's going to affect his grades or whatever, or the teacher's opinion of your son as well. But it's not fair on him to be going through that. But Vic Lapp says, not the arsehole, puberty is hard. No pun intended. Time in a kid's life. Having a random erection in class does not help. Your wife may need a lesson in biology from the male perspective.

[00:17:05] Unless she is an MD, how would she know what happens in the male body at that age? Everyone talks about the big stuff, but there are lots of little things that can go on at random times. Puberty can be interesting for some kids. Kudos to you for supporting your son in what is otherwise an embarrassing moment. He tried his best to avoid, and hopefully he doesn't feel ashamed for what he had no control over. It happens just like the need to sneeze at the inopportune moment. You may need to sit your wife down and have an honest discussion from the male point of view on puberty.

[00:17:34] Just like you may not know everything that goes on with women in puberty. She may not know. I may still reach out to the teacher and explain the situation. He wasn't being disrespectful, just trying to avoid the shame and bullying that would have been bound to come if he did his presentation right then. Opie says thank you. All good advice honestly. And yeah, I've reached out to the school and asked for them to give me a bell so I can talk to them. They did say they were going to ring today but haven't yet. But I'm going to explain what happened. How I think they handled it poorly,

[00:18:04] especially considering his past with bullying and the fact that he has never even been given the C1 before. A weird pickle says not the arsehole. Your son's request was completely rational as he didn't refuse to present altogether but simply needed some time. There was obviously no reason for his teacher to give him that grade for making a simple request. The teacher is being unreasonable as your son was still going to present either way. I believe it was unfair grading on the teacher's end. Opie says the project wasn't graded.

[00:18:31] A C3 stands for a consequence 3. C1 is a warning. C2 is a break time. Americans call this recess. Detention. C3 is an after school detention. C4 is an in school seclusion. Given that George has never been given a C1, I thought it was really unfair that she gave him a C3. ETA I meant break time with the equivalent to recess. Not the C2. The C2 would be attention during recess. Yes. Gagasmic says not the arsehole.

[00:18:59] I feel like I don't know why you haven't spoken to the school and simply cleared this up. It's quite embarrassing in the moment and he definitely would have been teased for it. I don't blame him for wanting to go later. The teacher should have just spoken to him in private or something to see what was going on instead of making a show and disciplining him. Your wife is wrong and should learn to listen more. OP says I've requested to talk with his form tutor and teacher in question to explain why I wasn't going to support the C3. I was told I would receive a call from them sometime today but haven't yet.

[00:19:30] I'm not going to come at them rudely but simply tell them that I think they handled it poorly and should have asked to speak to him later. In my opinion, it would be obvious not to ask him the reason he was refusing in front of the whole class and then give him no chance to explain later. So OP comes in with our update and says I wanted to come on and give a little update on how I handled everything with George and his school and clarify some things as well. I'm writing this on Sunday the 27th and it's currently half term for George so he had a week off school.

[00:19:59] Firstly, George was never able to give his presentation which he was really upset about because he had worked so hard on it. But the presentations aren't graded. I think this was a difference between the US and English education system. We don't generally have graded projects. At least I never did and neither does George. Also side note but we can't repeat a year or grade here. At George's school, he gets his effort grades at the end of each term. And he does a mock GCSE style exam at the end of the year

[00:20:28] which we get given the results. But these don't actually matter. They're just to give insight of how they're doing and to give practice for his real GCSEs when he's in year 11. On to another thing. Many people commented that I should have showed him the old lift and tuck. I can tell you that he already knows the trick. His school requires that he wears formal suit trousers and if anyone has worn those type of trousers before. You know you can't do the lift and tuck effectively.

[00:20:55] And even if you could, a large bulge would still be easily noticeable. Okay, on to what happened with his school. So his head of year rang me after school on Tuesday and we arranged a meeting on Wednesday. I told George that he didn't have to share the details of exactly why he didn't want to do the presentation unless he felt comfortable sharing it. I wasn't going to force it out of him. The class teacher who gave him the after school detention didn't come to the meeting. So it was just me, George, as H-O-Y, head of year.

[00:21:24] His head of year is a really decent guy and he has a great relationship with George. His head of year started with saying he was shocked when he learned that George had been given a C3 since it was someone like him and asked what happened. Like I said, George has a great relationship with the head of year. So George started trying to explain. He didn't say, I had an erection. He said something along the lines of something embarrassing was happening with my body and I just couldn't stand up when teacher called me. Head of year looked slightly puzzled for a brief moment.

[00:21:53] Then I think realized what George was trying to say and said something like, oh, no need to explain further. I was a teen once too. I understand. I went on to say how they're aware he has a history of bullying and he struggles with friends and how I felt the teacher could have handled the situation differently. Head of year agreed, said he would discuss it with the teacher and he would cancel the C3 for George. I thanked him and he encouraged George to come with him with any problems in the future instead of just getting upset and staying quiet. I thanked him.

[00:22:22] Now onto George's mother. I wish I could say things went as well with her as they did with the school. I'm honestly not sure what's up with her but she isn't usually like this. A lot of people were commenting that she sounds very unreasonable. In that moment, I do agree with you but she normally is not like that and we have a great friendship even though we're not in a romantic relationship anymore. She ended up ringing George to tell him that she wanted him to go to the C3 whether it had been cancelled or not. George rightfully said that was ridiculous

[00:22:51] and that he wasn't going to do that. They both ended up having a huge argument. She sent me a tirade of messages about how disrespectful I am. I'm not. How I was raising him to be entitled. Not true. How he'd end up in prison because he doesn't understand consequences. He won't and he does. I turned off the notifications for her messages and just left her to it. I meant to drop the boys off at her house tomorrow for a week with them but George said he doesn't want to go.

[00:23:19] At this point, I'm too mined on whether to support that decision or not. On one hand, I wouldn't want her to ever encourage either of the boys to not spend their week with me but on the other hand, it should be his choice. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice here and I'm honestly not sure how to navigate it. I could stay out of it completely and just let him make the choice and maybe encourage him to spend his week with her because I think that's how I'd like her to handle it. I do feel really conflicted. If you read all this, thank you.

[00:23:49] Complete says, Not the arsehole. Don't drop George off. He needs a break from his mum. Have you asked him if anything is going on in his mum's house? Opie says, I've spoken to him a bit about it. I'm cautious of how I approach it because I don't want to cause any conflict between them. It's really tricky. Flimsy Conversation says, I don't know how visitation law works there but I hope not dropping George off this weekend doesn't violate any rights his mother has because that will be another can of worms. Opie says, No. We have no formal arrangement in terms of custody.

[00:24:19] If we sort that at the moment, his wants would likely be what would be decided. Obviously though, I don't want it to come to that or for it to become a big thing. I don't know. It's hard. Mia Cattable says, George is old enough to have a say. I do think you should encourage him to still call or text her but you should step in and end the conversation if it's not productive. It doesn't have to be about the presentation. Probably if it's just about normal stuff. She might just need to get some space between her and the whole thing to cool down.

[00:24:47] I thought it was common knowledge that men, especially boys going through puberty, maybe send her a link to the NHS site explaining that. Kay Cattaroo says, Even though he doesn't want to go, it's really best to stick with the schedule. Is the reason because he wants to be done with this topic and fears that his mum will just continue to harp on it. If that's the case, giving her a heads up about that along with a suggestion to let it go could be helpful. Also, if he goes, can he leave and return home?

[00:25:15] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Now, just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories. Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.