My Brothers Fiancee Is Overbearing And I Don't Want To Attend Their Wedding r/Relationships

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[00:00:57] I'm Tired of My Sister-in-Law and I even plan to not go to my brother's wedding because of her weird behavior.

[00:01:04] English is not my first language and this will be a long post because I want to vent.

[00:01:09] So if anyone reads this, sorry for the grammatical errors, I don't speak English.

[00:01:14] My 27 female brother 25 is marrying Lena 24 female. She doesn't have a family so my

[00:01:22] family tried to make her feel really included. I liked her the few times I saw her until she

[00:01:27] started to get weird. I lived five hours away from my family because I worked as Rita's

[00:01:33] 98 female personal nurse so I lived with her and I'm studying another degree so I don't really have too much free time.

[00:01:44] The first time I met Lena almost two years ago, she came up to me saying that

[00:01:48] everyone in the family always talks about me or asks for me in every family reunion

[00:01:54] and she wanted to meet me. I make a little talk with her and then I went to talk with my arms.

[00:01:59] The rest of the night, whenever I was talking to a member of my family, Lena would get into

[00:02:04] the conversation even if it was private. I assumed she was just trying to fit in

[00:02:08] and include herself so I included her in the conversations, even though I found it uncomfortable.

[00:02:15] After that she included herself all the time in any conversation I was having with anyone at

[00:02:20] any family gathering but I would include her in the conversations. The problem started when they

[00:02:26] announced their engagement. They were going to announce it at a party but before they announced

[00:02:31] it, I had to leave the place urgently because Rita had fallen out of the bathtub.

[00:02:36] My brother understood the urgency and he took me to a room just the two of us. They

[00:02:41] were to tell me the news of his engagement before I leave. I congratulated and hugged him but

[00:02:46] Lena ruined our moment because she complained saying that the first born of the family,

[00:02:51] me, must be there but I just ignored her and my brother explained to her that I had to leave.

[00:02:56] I have been taking care of Rita since before I graduated and she is always trusted in my

[00:03:02] skills as a nurse and she's even paying for my second degree which is a lot so she

[00:03:06] became a third grandmother to me and after falling in the bathroom she broke her hip and

[00:03:12] her health deteriorated greatly. It's just me and her pregnant great-grandchild who takes care of her.

[00:03:18] My mother also comes to the hospital to help me sometimes because Rita doesn't like to

[00:03:22] be touched by the hospital nurses. She hates when strangers touch her for some

[00:03:27] traumas from her childhood. A few months ago Lena went out with the women of the family to

[00:03:32] try on wedding dresses and one of my cousins told me that Lena kept complaining because

[00:03:37] I didn't go with them. Rita was sick and I was taking care of her. Lena knew that.

[00:03:42] On my mother's birthday I invited her for a brunch. It was supposed to be a mother

[00:03:47] and daughter outing like we do every year but Lena insisted on coming. My mother felt

[00:03:52] uncomfortable but we included her in our brunch anyways. I can tell a lot of situations

[00:03:57] like that where Lena pushed herself too hard to get close to me even if I was always kind

[00:04:02] with her. She even had an argument with a cousin because of that. I reached my limit yesterday.

[00:04:08] Rita passed away three days ago and not only am I really sad but also my parents and brother

[00:04:14] since everyone knew her and she was a great woman. Rita wants us to bury her ashes in the

[00:04:20] cottage where she grew up. Rita's great-granddaughter surprised me with an arranged trip for the two

[00:04:25] of us to go and bury the ashes next week. I told my family that and my mother said she

[00:04:30] wants to go too but Lena got totally mad and started to complain saying that we're going to a trip

[00:04:36] two days before the wedding. To be honest I totally forgot about it and I don't feel the energy to go.

[00:04:41] My mother explained that we will only go to bury the ashes and come back literally the

[00:04:45] night before the wedding day and that everything is actually ready. Lena continued complaining

[00:04:50] and I snapped when she told me that I care more about an old lady who wasn't my family

[00:04:55] that I should care a lot more about her since she'll be my real family. My brother's wife and my

[00:05:01] nieces and nephews mother and the dead woman wasn't even my blood. I told Lena that Rita was like

[00:05:09] family to me and she's not even a friend to me but she's not relevant in my life and if it

[00:05:15] wasn't for my brother I wouldn't even try to get along with her. Maybe I was mean but I was

[00:05:20] sad and angry. I left a place while Lena was trying to argue with me and she started to cry that she

[00:05:26] only wanted to be family for me. I always wanted to make her feel included but she crossed my boundaries

[00:05:32] and doesn't have empathy at all. She didn't even give me condolences when Rita passed away

[00:05:37] and kept talking about the wedding all day while I made calls to take care of the funeral.

[00:05:42] Now I'm thinking that I don't even want to go to the wedding. I love my brother and

[00:05:47] he even chose my brice may stress but I feel too bad to go. I'm even thinking of cutting off contact

[00:05:53] with Lena because of her behavior is too weird and dense. I'm just sad and I want to cry all day

[00:05:58] because I lost a woman I considered my guide for five years for her wisdom and I feel guilty for

[00:06:04] not wanting to go to my brother's wedding and make him feel sad but I just don't want to deal

[00:06:08] with Lena anymore because next time I see her I know I will surely fight with her if she makes

[00:06:13] another comment like that. How do people think that they can just like shoehorn themselves

[00:06:18] into a family like that and making comments like the dead woman wasn't even my blood? I mean come on

[00:06:25] man how how daft can you be? Making comments about that about someone you clearly love a lot

[00:06:33] and she would and obviously she knows this. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to go

[00:06:38] to her wedding whether you attend it for your brother and or maybe just do the ceremony and then

[00:06:44] skip the reception is up to you in the end but remembering that she's the one that's put you

[00:06:50] in this difficult position. Roman says forcing a friendship and love ends in resentment. Talk

[00:06:56] with your brother and tell him how you feel. She can only get what you're willing to give

[00:07:00] you can't automatically love her and no she's not automatically family. Those bonds are built

[00:07:06] up over time if she doesn't get that then this will always be a problem. Condolences for your loss.

[00:07:12] V says hugs I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grief is fresh and Lena has been stomping your

[00:07:18] boundaries for a while. Go with your mom and a great granddaughter and take some time to process

[00:07:22] your grief. Speak with your brother before you go and give him a heads up that you may

[00:07:27] miss his wedding. Once you bury her ashes and mourn privately then maybe reassess the

[00:07:32] wedding. It's so soon that if you don't go your brother should understand but leave the door open

[00:07:37] and see how you are doing. Tina says family is someone who takes residence in your heart which is why

[00:07:44] when they leave it feels like there's a hole. Your sister-in-law is trying to loudly knock at

[00:07:48] your door wanting to be let in. She doesn't understand that she needs to be invited

[00:07:52] and vetted. Whether you attend or not I hope you get to grieve Rita the best way you can.

[00:07:58] Please do remember that a hole can be filled or made into something else to remember who left it there.

[00:08:03] I wish you were healing 2024 AP. Golden Dragon says it seems that Lena's lack of empathy is due

[00:08:10] to her desire to want you to be a part of our life and build a close connection with the rest

[00:08:15] of the women in your family. Her worry overwhelms her because she felt like losing

[00:08:19] her chance with you and your mom when in reality there's no competition at all.

[00:08:24] This may be a big emotional misguided perspective. So OP comes in with her updates as first of all

[00:08:30] I'm grateful to those who gave me good advice even though others left weird comments and hadn't

[00:08:35] even read the post before leaving a comment. I want to clarify again that I always tried to

[00:08:40] make Lena feel welcome and I always understood that she never had a family but do I deserve

[00:08:45] to be treated without empathy? Why should I overflow with empathy for her when she never

[00:08:49] showed empathy for me? I'm grieving and can't even have peace right now because of her.

[00:08:55] They also got comments saying that I should treat her like a toddler but that's just rude.

[00:08:59] She's a grown woman and she should be treated like what she is. I think it would be insulting

[00:09:04] to treat her like a child. I've talked to my parents about everything and also to my brothers.

[00:09:09] In the conversation I discovered things that Lena did and said that are even more weird.

[00:09:14] My mother said that Lena often makes comments like I'm more of a daughter

[00:09:18] to you than OP since she never visits you and I come all the time which makes my mother uncomfortable.

[00:09:24] She also said that she explained a lot of times to Lena that she doesn't like physical touch,

[00:09:29] not even as hug her because she gets anxious and tense but Lena just keeps hugging her.

[00:09:35] My mother also said that Lena speaks very badly of me. Lena even said that I cried

[00:09:39] more because of Rita's death than I did because of my real grandfather's death

[00:09:44] which is something really shitty to say. My father said that a year ago Lena approached him

[00:09:48] to say your second daughter, referring to herself, knows you better than your first daughter,

[00:09:54] LOL. Comparing the gifts we both gave him for Father's Day they just laughed it off but

[00:10:00] he thought it was a weird comment to make. My father was the only one who always kind of

[00:10:04] disliked Lena so now I know why. A younger brother also said that he heard many times how Lena

[00:10:10] complained about me not going to family gatherings although she also complained about that in my face

[00:10:15] a few times. So it seems that we all shut down a lot of things because we wanted to understand

[00:10:21] her situation and make my brother happy. We live next to a poor neighborhood and we know a lot of

[00:10:26] other people in the same situation as Lena so we try to make her feel included but I don't

[00:10:31] understand her behaviour to me at all. At this point I was crying most of all because

[00:10:36] I just don't want to deal with this after Rita's death and I felt bad for my brother.

[00:10:40] My brother hugged me and said he's sorry and started to tear up saying it's difficult for him

[00:10:44] to deal with Lena's behaviour too. He told me that Lena was always making hateful comments

[00:10:49] towards Rita. She never met Rita and all of us in the family are sad about her departure

[00:10:54] because she was a great woman, the kindest woman who ever lived so it's really sick

[00:10:59] that she hates an old woman who's dead. And every time my brother tried to explain to her

[00:11:04] that Rita was important to us, he just gave him a cold shoulder and didn't talk to him for the

[00:11:08] rest of the day. But he's trying really hard to help her because she's always wanted a family.

[00:11:14] I told him that we want to be a family but we need to set boundaries because those comments hurt.

[00:11:19] My father told him that this is just pushing her away from everyone

[00:11:23] and he doesn't want someone talking ill about his daughter.

[00:11:27] My brother looked really tired. He actually looks really tired every day since a few months

[00:11:31] ago but I want to think it's because of the wedding. I didn't tell him that I was thinking

[00:11:36] in cutting contact with Lena because I didn't want to make him feel like he'll have to choose between

[00:11:40] her or me. Instead I told him that we need to set hard boundaries with her so that in the future

[00:11:45] we can have a healthy coexistence and she can heal her mind because we have been too gentle so far.

[00:11:51] But the situation is already at its limit. I didn't talk with Lena at all so

[00:11:56] I suppose my brother talked with her really seriously. The wedding is still going on and

[00:12:01] I will just go to show my support to my brother but at this point I just feel like he's making a

[00:12:05] wrong decision because honestly I don't think Lena is a mentally stable person. Actually she's not

[00:12:10] even a good person in my eyes anymore but I don't want to say something and be the jealous big

[00:12:15] sister who ruins his brother's relationship so I will just stay in silence letting everything

[00:12:20] flow. I just want to go on the trip and have some mental peace until the wedding day comes.

[00:12:25] I don't feel mentally well enough to argue right now or to feel even more guilty

[00:12:30] because of how I'm dealing with all of this. I just want to bury Rita's ashes with a great

[00:12:34] granddaughter and my mother. Sorry for the really bad English, I wrote almost everything from the translator.

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[00:13:39] Edit. Yes we try to put boundaries a lot of times. It's not like we will hit her or be aggressive

[00:13:45] so she can understand but I'll admit we've all been too soft in understanding her out of pity.

[00:13:50] Lena just doesn't want to understand or listen to others and complains even when someone talks

[00:13:55] seriously and the incident she had with me and my cousin only showed that when someone

[00:13:59] talks to her seriously she becomes the victim or gets madly angry. Even what my brother said made

[00:14:04] it clear to us that she just may be never going to respect boundaries so it's better for me to

[00:14:09] just stop trying and just cut contact with her. At least for this next week until I feel better

[00:14:14] and ready to talk about this again. Mini update. My brother already knows everything that Lena did.

[00:14:21] Like I said in the post he's also tired of her behavior but we can't do anything about their

[00:14:26] relationship if he wants to stay. My father had a conversation with him a few hours ago to tell

[00:14:31] him that we're worried and if he wants to think better about the wedding. My brother said that

[00:14:36] he's fine. Only tired and will continue with the wedding. So yeah we can't do anything but show

[00:14:41] my brother that we're with him and try to help him to open his eyes but people have to understand

[00:14:46] that we can't help him in an aggressive way. Saying that Lena is a bee or kicking her out of

[00:14:52] the family because that will only benefit her as she can take that opportunity to manipulate my

[00:14:57] brother by making herself the victim again. Dealing with a person full of traumas and

[00:15:01] childhood problems is not easy at all. She does not know what basic limits are and now that she

[00:15:06] knows them she does not want to respect them but we can't be aggressive with her because

[00:15:11] she's not a mentally well person. Don't blame my brother if you don't understand what it's

[00:15:15] like to be in a toxic relationship. He's not to blame for anything and he's just a victim.

[00:15:21] And I don't blame OP for taking a step back at this moment in time you know dealing with their own

[00:15:26] grief at the moment. Need to look after their own mental health first I think. We talk about grief

[00:15:31] a lot on this channel and the way it affects people differently and like we always say as long

[00:15:36] as you're dealing with grief in a healthy way then you do you right. So I'm incredibly sorry

[00:15:42] for your loss and I hope you do find some peace with it. But now I'm going to turn this one

[00:15:47] to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let me know your thoughts down in the

[00:15:52] comments below. But let's move on to another story. Now this one's from the MI the arsehole

[00:15:58] subreddit was suggested to me over on Twitter or ex whatever you want to call it these days.

[00:16:04] Keep calling it Twitter I can't be bothered with that ex shit. It doesn't have an update

[00:16:08] as yet. It's from consistent guest 146 and says am I the arsehole for not wanting to

[00:16:14] follow my sister-in-law's rules for her wedding and saying her insecurities aren't my fault.

[00:16:20] My female 27 brother male 34 and his fiance female 31 are getting married soon. My husband

[00:16:28] and I got our invitation all fine. However this is the problem I'm having with them.

[00:16:34] I'm not a bridesmaid or in the bridal party because I have a baby and she's very young

[00:16:39] four months now and I was either pregnant or with a newborn during most of the wedding planning.

[00:16:44] That is for the best. So I'm just a regular guest as everyone else right? Well my brother and his

[00:16:50] fiance came over a few days after they sent the invitations because they wanted to talk to me.

[00:16:56] My future sister-in-law basically told me that she has gotten a dress for me

[00:17:00] and she'll love me to wear it for their wedding. I was like okay thanks but why you know.

[00:17:07] At first she didn't want to tell me why they've chosen a dress for me but

[00:17:11] she finally told me that I tend to draw too much attention to me. Oh dear last year

[00:17:18] our other brother got married and my future sister-in-law thinks he doesn't want to risk

[00:17:22] having me shopped similarly to their wedding. By the way I wasn't wearing an inappropriate

[00:17:27] dress or white anything like that. I was wearing a normal formal dress. I was very confused

[00:17:33] by this and I asked what she meant because as I said I know how to dress up for a wedding.

[00:17:39] I reassured her she shouldn't be worrying about being outshined because for starters

[00:17:44] is her wedding day and everyone will be paying attention to the bride and groom.

[00:17:47] And secondly I wouldn't wear an inappropriate dress with too much cleavage or something.

[00:17:53] Her family is rather conservative so I thought maybe she was more scared of her family's

[00:17:57] reactions. We discussed this for a while and she told me the problem is my weight.

[00:18:03] She's a little overweight and I'm not. Always had problems gaining weight,

[00:18:07] even while pregnant so she feels insecure and that's why she wants me to wear a dress

[00:18:12] that would cover me completely. This is where I think I might be the asshole.

[00:18:16] I told her that her insecurities were not my problem and that it was weird to ask me

[00:18:20] to wear a certain dress just because I'm skinnier than her. She told me that she knew

[00:18:25] I'd have this reaction because supposedly I always want to be the focus of attention.

[00:18:30] She also said that my life has always been easier and it's not fair that I want to

[00:18:35] steal her wedding day as well. I asked her if she was doing this with every other woman who was

[00:18:40] skinnier attending the wedding and she said no so I told her that's a shitty move.

[00:18:45] We argued and then my husband and brother got in between us so they argued as well

[00:18:50] and finally we kicked them out. But not before I told them to enjoy their damn day because

[00:18:54] I wasn't attending the wedding. Which they accused me of being a drama queen and wanting

[00:18:59] to embarrass them by not going. Well now I'm more calm and this has caused quite a fight in

[00:19:04] our family as well. I admit that I was so tired and stressed that day because my baby had been sick

[00:19:10] all the pride day and night. I don't know, do you think I exaggerated here or were they

[00:19:14] truly rude to ask me something like this? At first when we was going for it and I thought

[00:19:20] oh they got a surprise dress I thought like they was gonna make OP some honorary member of

[00:19:24] the wedding. I should have looked back and realised that you know I'm not in the wholesome subreddit here.

[00:19:30] Absolutely not the arsehole in this situation. It is a weird thing to ask someone and the only

[00:19:37] reason that she's complaining now is because she's gonna have to come up with a reason to

[00:19:40] everyone else in the family why you're not attending this wedding because she's getting

[00:19:44] basically what she wants in this situation. She doesn't want you to stick out at all

[00:19:48] at this wedding, you're not turning up, it's perfect for her right? I wouldn't go to this

[00:19:52] wedding either. But okay childhood says not the arsehole and I agree with your decision not to

[00:19:56] attend the wedding. Sister-in-law can give any explanation she wants for why you are not there

[00:20:01] but I would definitely answer honestly if anyone asked you why you didn't attend.

[00:20:06] Next commenter says not the arsehole, I have six sisters-in-law. They are stunning

[00:20:11] and tall and blonde. I am not. I'm pretty but not the models my damn husband has for sisters.

[00:20:17] You're all bridesmaids in flattering dresses. I knew they would look beautiful but

[00:20:21] I would shine as it was my day marrying my darling love. Sister-in-law needs to remember

[00:20:26] what the wedding is really about. Sapo-Fan says not the arsehole if she isn't

[00:20:30] forcing other skinny women into frumpy clothing dress code why should you follow her disrespectful

[00:20:35] wishes? I'm not turning up, you are fulfilling her wish have you not snatching her limelight so

[00:20:40] what's her problem? But now what do you guys make of this situation would you turn

[00:20:47] up to this wedding if that was requested of you? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:20:53] I just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:20:57] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me so thank you

[00:21:01] so so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.

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