My Boyfriend's Family ALWAYS Expects Gifts From Me But Never Give One Back r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:18] Now today's first story comes from throwaway168 from the relationship advice subreddit. And it says, I 26 female have been giving gifts to my boyfriend, 29 males family at many celebrations without anything in return. Do I continue? My 26 female boyfriend, 29 male and I have been together for two years. His family is very big on hosting and throwing celebrations. Whereas my family tends to only do large holidays.

[00:00:48] And I'm going to be able to bring gifts together. Which will mostly be centered around food as opposed to gifts. In the past year or so, I've been invited to his sister's 28 females birthday. His sister's baby shower. His mom's 60 something females birthday. His sister's kids birthday, 2 female. His sister's housewarming, his family's Christmas and a couple of other miscellaneous celebrations. Every time I bring a gift. It's to the point where I've been spending more money on gifts for his family than my own

[00:01:18] parents and siblings. However, I've never gotten a gift from his family. It's not really their fault or intentional. As we all tend to do our own celebration for my birthday. So there's not really been an opportunity for his family to give me gifts. Other than Christmas. But the one sided gift giving is starting to get to me.

[00:01:38] I've considered that maybe there isn't an expectation for me to bring a gift. But for most of these celebrations I'm invited to, it'd be very odd not to bring one. Example, baby shower or birthdays. I've considered doing joint gifts with my boyfriend. But his mom also pointedly asked me one time, Is that the one from my name? Without me mentioning that I had even brought a gift. Which made it seem like it was a given that I should have brought one.

[00:02:04] To be clear, I don't want slash need any gifts from any one of his family. I work a decently paying job, despite being in a high cost of living city. And my boyfriend and I are both more financially comfortable for our age than his family. However, the sheer number of celebrations I'm being invited to without an unspoken obligation for gifts is starting to build up. Especially because it feels like the relationship is one sided. As I've never received anything in return.

[00:02:33] With Christmas coming up, I wonder if I should continue bringing gifts or use this as an opportunity to work with my boyfriend and change our operating model. Or do I just bring something that's cheaper, like some baked goods or chocolates? But I personally think, you know, because it's his side of the family, and it should be the other way around as well with your side. That your boyfriend should be buying the gifts and then just putting your name on it, like a joint gift from both of you. That's what happens within my family anyway.

[00:03:02] And then it's the opposite way around for like the other side of the family. And I really just think it's as simple as that. But Tudretapal who says,

[00:03:30] To be fair, receiving cookies as a gift would be absolutely awesome. Especially freshly baked ones. Holy moly. But another commenter says, I really think you should be given a combined gift from you and your boyfriend. A gift from each of you seems a little excessive. My husband never went out and bought a separate gift than what I would buy. It was just from us. Christmas, I would bring a bottle of wine or something for the host and that is all and let their family exchange gifts. And one more comment which says,

[00:03:58] You state that the one-sided gift giving with your boyfriend's family is starting to get to you. But how can that be when the one-sided aspect is not intentional and merely a consequence of the very nature of the events that you've been invited to? For example, someone else's birthday, someone else's baby shower, someone else's housewarming. Rather than focusing on the positives that you were invited, you are solely focused on the negatives.

[00:04:22] This is compounded by the fact that you have labelled the in-laws with negative motives in actions when you state that there is an unspoken obligation for gifts and that your boyfriend's mother pointedly asked one time about a gift she attributed to you. First of all, unless this was the first event that you had ever been to, it is likely that your boyfriend's mother asked if that was the gift you were bringing because you had well established a pattern of bringing gifts.

[00:04:47] Secondly, is your experience going to other people's baby showers, birthdays and whatnot that you do not bring gifts and somehow this makes your boyfriend's family wrong? You've got the following options, not necessarily in order and not necessarily mutually exclusive. One, have your boyfriend buy gifts for these events and put your name on the gifts along with his and then you do the same for him with your family. Do not worry about what either family thinks. I'm quite certain that nobody will care.

[00:05:15] Two, continue with doing individual gifts but reduce the investment costs as you suggested. If the gift is thoughtful and took time and effort, like a baked good, it will be appreciated. Again, do not worry about what others think. The old adage, it is the thought that counts applies here. Three, change your attitude. Rather than being annoyed by being included and annoyed that you are not receiving a gift at a baby shower or birthday or housewarming when pretty much that is not the norm.

[00:05:45] Look at it like his family thinks enough of you to include you. In reality, they are not obligated to include you. And rather than being skeptical that they do for the reason of a gift grab, give them the benefit of the doubt. So, just a bit less than a month, OP comes in with her update and it says,

[00:06:06] Well, with Christmas coming up, I, 26 female, was invited to Christmas with my boyfriend, 29 male's family. But given his sister, 28 female, just had a second child with some health complications, we had a conversation and decided it made sense for me not to join them as I've been flying a lot for work and don't want to put the newborn at risk. That made the conversation about doing joint gifts super easy with my boyfriend since I physically wouldn't be there.

[00:06:35] Out of the blue yesterday though, I received a text from my boyfriend's sister reminding me of their house address to ship gifts to, even though I've driven them multiple times. Then about an hour later, I received a text from my boyfriend's mother telling me about how the sister's daughter, toddler, has been a little upset recently given the new baby. And that it would be great to get the toddler an extra gift to make her feel special, since the attention has been on the newborn.

[00:07:04] On top of whatever I was planning to get the newborn, she did top it off with a, You always give such nice gifts as a compliment. For context, I grew up in a family that taught me not to buy gifts that you wouldn't want to receive. I bought very nice things for my boyfriend's sister's kids for her daughter's birthdays. Toys plus nice name brand clothing like Nike, North Face and the latest baby shower for the newborn. I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend, and he mentioned he'd let them know that he was bringing our gifts.

[00:07:34] But I have a feeling they're misinterpreted to think that we're still getting separate gifts. We will see how it goes next week, but I've been super put off by the texts that I've gotten from his family. It seems pretty blatant that they want gifts from me, and are expecting it. But I'm glad that my boyfriend is planning to take care of the communications. Alana Advice says to the OP, Um, that's crazy entitlement. Clearly you give great gifts and they want more, but asking for gifts like that is very off-putting.

[00:08:03] I don't blame you for feeling that way. From now on, only give joint gifts with your boyfriend. Nip this in the bud now. Limitless Megan says, This is a boyfriend problem. Just that he's let this go on so long. But he doesn't need to be telling them that he's bringing the gifts. What he needs to tell them is, Here is OP's wish list. Because I know you didn't just reach out to someone not coming to our celebration to ask for gifts, when you had no plans of giving her a gift yet again.

[00:08:30] And yes, I noticed you haven't once returned any of the great gifts she's given you, when it's her turn to get gifts. I'll be bringing try gifts from us. And we'll happily bring her back your gifts to her. Material seller says, Who the hell takes gifts but doesn't give? To the point where they call you for the gift. Also people saying being invited is the gift. Are takers. They don't give gifts. So don't listen to their advice. What kind of cheap ass family are you dealing with?

[00:08:58] You sure you want to be married into this type of family? That's wild. Imagine sending a text to someone asking them to send an extra gift. That is just insane entitlement. And time to just put a halt to that immediately. It sounds like they got so used to receiving gifts and giving nothing back that it's the norm for them now. And they can expect it. They can ask of you, etc, etc. Absolutely stop that shit right now.

[00:09:26] But what do you guys make of this situation? What would you do if you was in OP's position? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now our next story is from DeepNebula4950. There's several parts of this story. You may have heard previous parts in other places as well. But there's a new update as well. So as always, use the timestamps if you want to skip certain parts. That's what they're there for.

[00:09:54] And before we do get into it, it contains domestic violence, coercive reproduction, gaslighting, sexual abuse and mental illness as well. Let's get started. And this story is titled, Am I the arsehole for supporting my husband's cruelty towards his bio child? My husband, 42 male, and I, 36 female, have a very solid relationship.

[00:10:16] We've been together about 13 years, have no children but are very active in my nephew's, all male, marked life. For some background, my husband has a child, 16 female, Laura, with whom only my mother-in-law and, to some degree, father-in-law have a relationship with from his nuclear family. The reason being, she was conceived when her mum poked holes to the condoms. There was a whole drama about it and my mother-in-law begging my husband to have a relationship with Laura,

[00:10:45] but he simply couldn't. He even had to get psychiatric help in order to be able to cope with it. The mum admitted she did it so he would stay with her due to the responsibility, but it did not work. He pays child support because the law mandates it, but nothing more. I didn't hear about this news from my husband, but from my mother-in-law, and she emphasized that she liked me a lot and hoped I'd be a good enough person and procure a relationship between my husband and Laura.

[00:11:12] I was flabbergasted and asked my now-husband about it because my mother-in-law made it seem so different than the truth. He explained he was going to tell me before we moved in together, and to be fair, he kind of already gave me a little info here and there, and explained the whole situation, and told me I could go to therapy with him and see the psych info if I wanted, but things were not like my mother-in-law said. His sister confirmed this as well, and explained this issue was the reason she was not as close to her parents anymore.

[00:11:42] Things went okay-ish for some time, and even the wedding went without issues. We all have several boundaries, and mother-in-law more or less respects them, although she still has constant communication with Laura and her mum, and we have several cycles of very low contact with her. But things went to overdrive once my sister-in-law got pregnant with Mark. Mother-in-law started telling everybody it was not her first grandchild and all that cryptic stuff. My husband was so uncomfortable about it.

[00:12:10] She pushed for Laura to be involved in birthday parties, christenings, etc., but we all said no. She also invited both of them to a birthday party a couple of times, and we simply did not attend. Now the new issue is that Laura has been so sad for not having her bio dad in her life. My husband said no and left immediately. I stayed while grabbing our stuff, since I had brought food and told her it was not going to happen.

[00:12:36] According to my mother-in-law, Laura just wants to know my husband, since he is a real dad, and despite being okay with her stepdad, it's not the same. She said she would give her our address and contact info because she is desperate for a connection. I told her I would call the police on all of them. I said my sister-in-law will be very upset with her when she hears of this, and to not be surprised to get less access to Mark. Mother-in-law called my husband cruel and me a bad person for encouraging his cruelty towards an innocent child.

[00:13:06] I told her I understand Laura is innocent, but she most likely would not be asking the same if it were a woman who conceived in the same circumstances. Am I the arsehole here? Edit I thank you all for your opinions, even if you say we are monsters or cruel. I'm trying to keep up, but I think I need to clarify some things. If I asked am I the arsehole, not because I want to betray my husband, but because I stand by him no matter what. The condom did not break, and he was very into safe sex.

[00:13:35] She assured him she was on the pill, but he wanted to be safer by using condoms. Yes, she admitted to poking holes when he asked her if she would consider an abortion. And if not, they could co-parent because he really didn't want a relationship anymore. She admitted to it. Mother-in-law knows all of this. She is not in jail because mother-in-law begged my husband to not report it, and he just wanted it all over. My father-in-law is like Switzerland now.

[00:14:02] At the beginning, he was all up in arms until my sister-in-law asked him if he would feel the same if it happened to her. Mother-in-law is on thin ice with sister-in-law since she introduced Mark to Laura on a zoo outing without consulting sister-in-law first. Mother-in-law is not allowed alone time with Mark anymore. He has to pay child support until Laura is 18 or done with education in the country we live.

[00:14:25] He already made sure to make a will, leaving her the minimum allowed by law, since you can't disinherit children in the country, but you can leave them the least amount. Mother-in-law is very distraught at this since he had me and Mark as main beneficiaries. Mother-in-law does not want to meet Laura, give her a letter, etc. I'm not going to make him do that. I do believe my mother-in-law is pushing harder since Mark was born because my husband is amazing with him.

[00:14:52] We even took him on a trip recently, and we are very loving towards him. We also spent a bunch on him because we want to. We own our place, but it's all in my name for obvious reasons. I don't know if Laura knows, but I would never tell her because it's not my place. And despite everything, I think it's horrible to learn and worse from someone you don't even know. So sometime later, OP comes in with a first update and says, I want to thank everybody that took the time to reply, even if it was against us.

[00:15:21] You gave us the push we needed to clear the situation. I'm sorry this is long. I showed my husband the post, and after spending a long time reading the comments, he decided enough was enough. Yesterday morning, he texted my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, telling them that he would like to meet them and have this over with. Mother-in-law said we could do it in the afternoon, and that Laura was coming too. We all said okay. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law met us at the door because they didn't want to go in before us.

[00:15:49] It was really tense since the beginning. Laura tried to hug everybody, but we asked her to please not. Then she tried to hug my husband, and he was slightly less polite and asked her not to touch him. My mother-in-law was very cheerful somehow, and my father-in-law was just offering everybody drinks and snacks. He was like living in his own reality. We sat down, and after what felt like the longest five silent minutes of my life, my husband turned to Laura and asked her if she could please leave him alone.

[00:16:18] Laura responded that he was her dad, and she will need his support when she goes to uni. Since she was planning to move to our city, and it was very expensive and hard to find a place. She said she knew he had his own place, and that he clearly has money to spare, so she was wondering if he would help her out. My husband said no. That he was already paying child support and will stop as soon as the law allows him to. She was upset, but somehow kept going. She turned to me and said that at the end of the day, what if my husband's will go to her,

[00:16:47] since mother-in-law explained the inheritance laws to her. And she wanted to be in good terms with me for when we decide what to do with the house, etc. I told her not to worry about it because the house is in my name only, and there is already a will covering it all. Mother-in-law knew about the will, but not the house situation. Laura was a bit taken aback, and looked at my mother-in-law like asking for help. She said that even if there is no future money, she thought that my husband was unfair to her,

[00:17:15] and that she used to think he simply didn't want to be a dad, but he is amazing with Mark, and we even take him on trips. My sister-in-law asked her point blank if she knew how he was conceived, and she does. Laura knows everything and says that while it was not the nicest way, her mom wanted her so badly that made it happen. She said sister-in-law should understand because she has her cousin, and she would love a relationship with him. My sister-in-law was seething, and brother-in-law told Laura he will literally call the cops,

[00:17:45] if she tries to get near Mark. She started crying and saying that she wanted her family to love her, and be as awesome as everybody is with Mark, and that it's not her fault, and her mom is not a bad person. She just wanted a family, and my husband denied him that. My husband said it was the lying and the deception that caused her the relationship, not him. That if there was an honest mistake, things would have been different. She told her he will never be her dad, and she needs therapy.

[00:18:12] He said that she could get a job instead of expecting him to pay for her life in the long term, and that he is not willing to have contact after today. Mother-in-law started begging both her kids not to go, and maybe do family therapy. They both said they go in no contact with her, and father-in-law is on thin ice. Mother-in-law is blocked everywhere. I guess this is it. No contact with mother-in-law from all of us. Sister-in-law and husband seem actually pretty happy with the decision.

[00:18:39] We had dinner together, and the topic was dropped after a couple of minutes, and we focused on other stuff. I'm sorry there is no Disney ending, but this is for the best, and I still support my husband's mental health above all. Edit I think I would like to play a little devil's advocate regarding the money. When Mark was born, we started being very active in his life. We have yearly passes to the zoo, get him nice things, pick him up from daycare twice per week, got him to Disneyland Paris, etc.

[00:19:08] I believe my mother-in-law was showing her pictures, and that is why it came out like this. Or at least, that is my assumption of it. Her mom is not poor by any means, but she does have two other kids. Our city is very popular for student life, which makes it that much expensive. My husband and I are not interested in having or not children of our own. We simply are ambivalent about the issue. I know it might have made mother-in-law even more eager to have a relationship with Laura.

[00:19:36] We had given her pocket money for some time, but we've decided to stop that as well, and let her figure things out with her pension alone. I don't think we'll have anything else to update in this case, other than if Laura or mother-in-law come around Mark, but I highly doubt this will happen. As much as we don't want a relationship with any of them, these are a teenager and a pensioner, not criminal masterminds. OP comes in with another update and says, I want to start by thanking again to the encouraging messages,

[00:20:04] and F to the ones who's calling us monsters. We're humans and flawed as every single one of the rest. I thought the issue was over and dropped, but it seems it is now. We had some weeks of bliss and chaos afterwards. We are all still recovering from it. Now to what happened to explode our life again, and please keep in mind it brings me no joy. My nephew Mark turned five weeks after my update. After so many messages from my mother-in-law and father-in-law, my sister-in-law decided to let them attend,

[00:20:34] but told mother-in-law she was not to bother me or my husband. My mother-in-law didn't approach us once, but kept staring at us, and we decided to ignore her. The issue was that I kept holding my pumped stomach, and my husband kept being goofy about it. I'm not pregnant. I have several intolerances to delicious yummy things that make me bloated, that I misbehave and eat sometimes. My mother-in-law does not know about most of them since their age developed, and we used to go yo-yo with low contact with her,

[00:21:02] so I guess she assumed I was pregnant. A week after Mark's birthday party is when everything went to hell. Laura came to my husband's office and made a scene. She was screaming at him how he couldn't believe he was starting over without taking care of his first child, and many other insults and stuff. She was throwing office supplies and crying, and making a whole deal, so the office manager called the police and an ambulance. She also called me. But by the time I arrived, my husband was having a panic attack in his office,

[00:21:31] and totally sure he was fired. I told him not to worry, and I will sort it. I explained everything to everybody from co-workers, to police, to EMTs. Laura was taken in for evaluation, and the co-workers took a long lunch, saying my husband could leave without having the awkward walkout. I took my husband home shaking, as he was panicking and crying. He said he felt unsafe. I took him to his psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist was able to calm it. And we also had a session together days later,

[00:21:59] where he opened up more about what his mum did to him. This has been very expensive, but worth it for sure. Laura was not even in trouble, since the office manager agreed to let it go for an apology and payment. The mum, Laura's, was not having it. The moment she saw my husband at the station, she went ballistic, and my husband couldn't handle it, and had another panic attack. The woman is a fucking doctor, but does not care for it. At the end, she paid for the fine and restitution to the office, and took Laura home.

[00:22:29] As a little background, I would like to share something I recently discovered about my husband's relationship with Laura's mum. Whatever I thought, it was way worse. We'll not go into details, but during therapy, it came out, she even threatened him once with a knife. It's been really hard to keep it together lately, but explains a lot of my husband's reactions here. My sister-in-law was so done with my mother-in-law after it. She told her dad, he either divorces her, or she's cutting him too. It is still a 50-50,

[00:23:00] since sister-in-law is literally father-in-law's favorite person, but he's been married to mother-in-law for like 44 years. My brother-in-law took my husband camping, and they had fun and kept him distracted. He's been mainly on sick leave since the incident. He's a manager, so he would come one day a week, and then could get the rest of the week covered so he can recover. This was suggested by his bosses. They all feel like they should have protected their employees better. My sister-in-law, husband, and brother-in-law,

[00:23:27] and I had a disagreement due to Laura's expenses. I suggested to get her a block payment and requesting she should get therapy, but all of them say she should get nothing. I said I'd be willing to pay for it, but after the new revelations on my husband's relationship with the mom, my sister-in-law is even more up in arms against helping them more than we should. I do feel bad for Laura. I do. And I know the rest, husband, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, used to a little. Now there is no way in heaven to make them help her.

[00:23:57] The last nice thing my husband did was convincing his bosses to not charge Laura and paying for the monitors she broke. Since his leave, my husband spends a lot of his afternoons with Mark. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are leading the charge on getting Laura to accept a bulk payment in therapy, but don't want her in their life. Mother-in-law and father-in-law are estranged so far, and my husband goes to therapy once a week and slowly recovering. And before it starts, yes, we know Laura is a victim of her mom,

[00:24:27] but does it give her a right to re-traumatize my husband? I still stand with my husband and probably would be called the worst of the worst, but some advice was very good the first few times, so that's why I came back. And then OP's latest update, that they're saying is the last update and came five months later. It said, Hi, this will be the last update on the situation my family has had going. I again thank you for all the messages, positive or negative, but just want to mention one last thing.

[00:24:55] And it's bad and awful, some comments where the chats were worse. I have a thick skin, but if you're going to say such horrible things and have the courage to do it in public, to those helping out and taking the time to have a dialogue, I thank you so much. Since everything happened with Laura at the office, my husband decided to request home office for himself and any other person wanting it on his team. This ended with most of the company going into it and a very big bump on their salaries since they stopped renting the building.

[00:25:24] This meant the child support payments had to be recalculated since my husband's bump was significant for several reasons. This also made the negotiations about the lump sum I proposed were cut. My husband might have to pay support until Laura's out of university, but we were okay with that. As of now, we have a savings account we both contribute to, but with only my name on it. After all the drama at my husband's office, I received a message from Laura's stepfather. I've never ever met the man in real life before this,

[00:25:54] but I knew I had to reply to that message. Long story short, he'd been trying to officially adopt Laura for about 10 years, but has always been told by her mom or even my mother-in-law that my husband refused. He was also told that Laura had some relationship with my husband and even stayed with us sometimes, but we wanted to keep things separated. Honestly, don't know if he is gullible or simply was trying to make us feel bad. The conversation ended with him promising to get Laura and her mom into therapy,

[00:26:24] and that was the end of July. My father-in-law dies in September. It was a very sudden stroke and shocked us all. His children organized a lovely funeral and it was the last time we all saw mother-in-law and Laura. Laura stayed most of the time on my mother-in-law's side, but eventually approached my husband and sister-in-law. She was respectful and even apologized for the incident at the office. She totally ignored me, but I was good with that. She has not tried to contact my husband or sister-in-law since.

[00:26:53] We have all officially gone no contact with mother-in-law since her stances have not changed at all. The whole family knows the situation, but nobody wants to get in the middle of it because they don't want to deal with mother-in-law's tantrums. The reason this will be my last update is I'm about four months pregnant and we are over the moon about it. I know many of you will have awful things to say in the comments, but for those supportive, know this has actually been great news to my husband and he is overjoyed with it. We're going to focus on our family

[00:27:22] and continue to heal as a unit, which of course includes sister-in-law, brother-in-law and nephew. My nephew's only question was if the baby was allowed to go to the zoo with him since he wants to show it to the monkeys. It was adorable and he's been telling all his friends in kindergarten about it. I feel this is going to be a healing experience for all of us. My husband is starting opening up more about what happened and why he has reacted to all the situation this way, not only with me or family, but with friends as well.

[00:27:52] They're new parts, but not the whole picture. This might enrage many, but sharing this story made him thrive and took a lot of stigma-related guilt he had. Hope Laura and mother-in-law can heal eventually as well, but we need to focus on this new chapter of our lives and can't get sucked into the drama. I wish you were well. Well, gee bloody whiz, what a messy situation. But now I'm going to turn this one straight to you guys.

[00:28:19] What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much for being here. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care. Have much love.