My Boyfriends Ex Hid A Warning Note In Our Apartment About His "Habits" | r/Relationships

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark B and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00] As always, timestamps are down in the description if you want to skip certain parts of the story. All that good stuff. It's from throwawayxnote from the relationship advice subreddit. The new update came this month, December 2025. And says, my 28 female boyfriend's 30 male ex hid a note about his cleaning slash dating habits right before they broke up that I just found. How do I talk to him about cleaning habits without him feeling like I'm using his ex's words against him?

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00] Throwaway account because I don't want my boyfriend to find this. I posted this elsewhere but thought this subreddit could help too. I28 female and my boyfriend, 30 male, who we'll call Steve, have been together for two years and have been living together for eight months. I was cleaning our apartment when I found a note in the back of a cabinet. For context sake, I'll copy it below.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00] Dear Steve's future girlfriend. I know it's you reading this because he'd never clean back here. I'm putting this here because I'm leaving him soon and I want to warn you about him. One, he will not clean. Two, he will not listen. Three, he will make everything feel like it's your fault. It's not your fault. He's just an incompetent man. I'm leaving him. I suggest you do the same. Best wishes, Natalia.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00] I read the note and brought it to show him and hear his response. He immediately ripped it up and said not to listen to it, that she was crazy and untrustworthy. I told him the fact that he hasn't found it in the five years since they broke up as a red flag to me because it does mean he's never cleaned back there and that he's been cleaning less and less since I moved in. He told me that it wasn't a problem before the note. This is just his ex continuing to manipulate and ruin his life and I was letting it work.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00] We continued to argue along the same lines and I eventually left to spend the night at a friend's place. Steve has been a great boyfriend so far. He gets along with my family. He's given me gifts and flowers and always tells me how much he loves me. He's not wrong that the cleaning hasn't really been brought up before. A note made me realize it had been less and less and that we needed to have a full conversation.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00] He texts me afterwards saying, he's sorry that I felt like I had to leave but that it's an arsehole move for me to take a note over our two year relationship and to leave him and our pets alone. I don't know what to do or what to believe right now. I'm contemplating trying to find and reach out to Natalia. Her name in real life is pretty unique so I think I could find her. Steve thinks I should come back home and let it go. That his past shouldn't affect our future.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00] I feel like I could be the arsehole because everything Steve has said about Natalia does make it sound like she was manipulative and petty throughout their relationship but I don't know what to trust. Edit. I realized I didn't clarify enough about the points especially the cleaning. Thought I'd add it here. When we moved in together 8 months ago the cleaning was 50-50. Since then he's been doing things less and less and I'd say it's like 70-30 maybe 60-40.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00] If he listens to me right away, it depends on the week, I have to remind him to do things like bring his plates to the sink or take out the trash and I didn't have to before. The dishes will pile up unless I do them to the point he's had leftover food mold on the plates. I'm not a confrontational person so I was just asking him to fix it when it came up. The note made me reflect on it more and try to have an actual full conversation. And I will say I didn't feel listened to when I talked to him about it.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00] I tried to use the note to start a conversation about cleaning and he got stuck on that I was listening to his ex instead of him. That he wouldn't listen to what I think are valid concerns. He thinks I'm letting the note have confirmation bias so no matter what he says, I'll think he's in the wrong. Also I didn't leave him permanently. This all happened yesterday and I only spent one night at a friend's because I didn't feel like our conversation was going anywhere last night. And he wouldn't let me sleep until I let it go.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00] I'm going back today and wanted to get advice and feedback before I do. Edit 2 I appreciate all the comments with advice. I'm heading back to our place now. My plan is to first apologize for immediately bringing him the note without thinking of his feelings and validate that it's hard to have an ex's message found. That being said, you're alright and I've been letting the cleaning stuff get away. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to ask him repeatedly to clean.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00] It was pointed out to me that he should have cleaned the shelves during his move from his ex's place. The fact that it hasn't been touched in 5 years is forcing me to take the note seriously. I don't want to throw away 2 years so I'm going to ask him to come up with some clear cleaning expectations with me and designated chores. I'll make it clear that cleaning is absolutely a deal breaker for me. It's his decision on how he wants to respond. I'll try to update you all. Again, thank you so much for the advice.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00] So Opie comes in with her first update and says,

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00] When I realized the conversation wasn't going anywhere, He even tried to block me from leaving. That's when I knew it was done and left immediately. Two years down the drain. But I'm glad I had the wake up call before it was too late. I will let him call off and then will ask my brother to come with me to grab my things while he's not there. He has a strict work schedule so I think it'll work out. I'm planning on leaving a note there but probably a little longer with the advice to not show it to him.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00] I'm leaving it in the exact same place so if he doesn't learn his lesson about cleaning, they come to haunt him. All he has to do is clean. The biggest surprise out of all of this is that I didn't reach out to Natalia. She reached out to me. Apparently he borrowed his friend's phone to call us screaming that she's ruining his life still. The fact that she blocked him and he still had her number memorized just further confirms he was the crazy ex. Not her.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00] Natalia found me on social media and wanted to make sure I was okay and was especially concerned that he gaslighted me like he tried with her. I thanked her for leaving me the note and saving me time. We scheduled coffee for Thursday afternoon. I wanted to thank you all again for the advice. Especially the person who posted the love is respect website. I took the healthy relationship quiz after our conversation and it wasn't great. He called out how he was weaning me into an unhealthy relationship so well.

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00] But now my friend said I can stay until I find a new place. I have emergency savings and a decent job so I'm in a privileged place when it comes to this messy breakup. And I'm just trying to feel grateful for that. And the first comment I said to OP on the back of this one. Kinda sounds like everything she warned you about in the note came true. He had never cleaned there. He didn't listen to your concerns and he turned it back around on you and somehow made it your fault. Red flag honestly.

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00] Net lawyer says any person who will leave food to mold on their dishes is not someone you want to live with. Family, roommate, boyfriend or girlfriend. That's just a big no. Pete Tricky says on the plus side. Could OP now leave a note for the next girl to find as the dirty, now ex, still won't change. Charlotte says Steve might actually get off his ass and do a deep clean before he has another bang made over.

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_00] Moby is stripping quotes saying he wouldn't let me sleep until I let it go and then says so I guess Natalia forgot number 4. He's a bully. It's almost ironic how easy it would have been for him to shut this entire thing down with the simplest of responses. Hmm you're right. I guess I have been slipping. I'll make sure to clean more. And immediately counters points 2 and 3. But he'd rather be right and he'd rather be the aggrieved party. You didn't do anything wrong by trying to have a conversation off the back of that note.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00] All things considered it's a pretty funny thing to find and his reaction should tell you everything. So a day later OP comes in with an update and says as you can tell by my original post. I like to do things right away. It was definitely a mistake to bring in the note right away but doing the things I did this morning right away was not a mistake as it allowed me to save my pets. First I want to respond to the comments saying I broke up a 2 year relationship over a note and chores. No.

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_00] I broke up a 2 year relationship because when I tried to come up with solutions to an unequal situation. His response was to yell and try to convince me that there was no problem except me. The final straw was when he physically blocked me from leaving the house after he was screaming at me. That is not okay and no one should stay with a man who responds to conflict like that. The actual update. I wound up texting the post to Natalia last night and she thought it was great. She like some of you asked me about the pets.

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00] For context one of the things Steve and I connected on was our love for little creatures. It's why I thought he was such a great guy. Because if he could take such intricate care of his lizard he could do the same with me. I was very wrong. He has one lizard he brought before me and then we brought two frogs together. I have a snake I brought with me when I moved in. I was planning on waiting until he cooled down to grab my things and the frogs and snake. Thinking he would never hurt them. But Natalia changed my mind.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00] She said he could get destructive when he's mad and was concerned about the safety of my little guys. I immediately knew I couldn't wait until later this week and reached out for a meeting with a landlord for early this morning. I wound up FaceTiming with Natalia last night and we had a long discussion. Natalia is a lawyer and told me that in our state landlords are required to let me get out of a lease. I signed in cases of domestic violence. She also told me that his yelling, gaslighting and refusing to let me leave are all types of abuse.

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00] It's definitely hard for me to sit with that. But the love is respect relationship quiz helped me also realize that a bit more last night. Apparently his constant messaging and control over what I wore and when were signs of abuse too. Anyway, this morning Natalia volunteered to come talk to the landlord with me alongside my brother. As soon as he heard the word lawyer, he was on top of it and said I could break the lease. But I would still have to pay for all of August even though I'm leaving three days early.

[00:11:06] [SPEAKER_00] I felt like that was fair. He also messaged Steve to say the apartment needed to be empty for an emergency maintenance all day today so I could pack my things. Steve messaged back that he was at work all day and wouldn't be home until 6pm. When I got into the apartment, it was a mess. He had broken my dishes that I had brought with me on the ground and left the shards laying about. My clothes were ripped up and scattered around our room. It was disgusting and heartbreaking.

[00:11:32] [SPEAKER_00] He left his lizard alone but opened the tank doors for our frogs and my snake. Luckily the frogs were still chilling in their enclosure but my snake had gotten loose. This made me the most mad as she could have gotten cut on the broken plates. I feel so fortunate that she was just hiding in the closet corner and I was able to pack her up safely in her enclosure again. All my things are packed and I'm writing this as my brother drives me back to my friend's house right now. Natalia told me that she actually left three notes.

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_00] One in the cabinet, one on the underside of the vacuum and one in the crumb catcher of the toaster. While we were there, we checked to see if the notes were still there. The one on the vacuum was but it looks like Steve did clean out the crumb catcher at least once in the past five years. He never told me he had already found the note in our conversations so it caught me by surprise. Natalia and I left the vacuum note as is and replaced the cabinet one. I wasn't comfortable leaving my name on a new note so my addition was a handout on healthy versus unhealthy relationships

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_00] and a QR code to find a quiz that woke me up. I'll put it in the comments if I can have an outside link. Natalia said if he didn't find the notes in those five years, especially after the move, he won't find them again. I'm inclined to agree, especially given he did find one but then he didn't even clean the rest of the house to see if there was any more. Steve doesn't make sense to me and seeing the state of the apartment really woke me up to the fact that I have no idea who he is. The Steve I knew would never put animals in danger.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_00] I don't think I really ever knew Steve. To the people saying it's pathetic that I broke up my relationship because of chores in Reddit, I encourage you to reflect on the subtle ways that abuse starts. This Reddit thread woke me up to it and gave me the resources to get out safely before it got any worse. I also made an appointment for a therapist. I'm very lucky that my job has good insurance so I was able to work through this relationship

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_00] and I'm hoping to focus on boundaries and my people-pleasing habits so I never find myself in this situation again. To the people wishing that Natalia and I would get together, we had a good laugh about it. Natalia is engaged to a wonderful man who cleans, listens and reflects. She said there's a phenomenon that when people break up with their awful ex, their soulmate can quickly follow. I'm hoping that's true. Regardless, I do think I got a good friend out of this, especially since Natalia is a snake mum too.

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_00] This is my final update. It's not. I hope that if you learn anything from my experience, it's that abuse doesn't start right away. First there's love bombing, gifts and pretty words and then slowly they test how much you're put up with. You should never have to put up with anything, especially moldy freaking plates. Opi in the comments did leave the link to the quiz, which is www.loveisrespect.org and then you'll be able to find your, the is your relationship healthy quiz on there.

[00:14:25] [SPEAKER_00] And Madame Kitsune quotes Opi saying he looked like he cleaned out the crumb catcher in the five years and then said, Steve probably didn't have a choice for that one. The paper and crumbs mix would have started smoking at some point. So it was 19 days after this one that Opi came in with another update and said, I haven't posted in a while. I don't know if anyone will see this, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm hoping this isn't too rambling. I'll go in chronological order.

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_00] When we went to his apartment, I took pictures of all the damage. Natalia told me I could press charges if I wanted. She couldn't represent me due to the conflict of interest, but that she'd find someone good. I didn't want to at first. Then I saw a comment saying making a report can create a record that would help a potential future girlfriend be believed if something happened. Natalia saved me. I wanted to do the same. So a couple of days later, I pressed charges. The police went to interview Steve and the landlord.

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_00] The destroyed apartment combined with police was enough for the landlord to evict him. So basically, by destroying my things, he destroyed his life. I worked as a physical therapist and my boss was nice enough to give me a week off after it all went down. I was able to find a new place, although it was a bit more expensive. When I got back to work, Steve was parked in the parking lot. I got out my phone and started recording just in case. My lawyer said to document everything.

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_00] I wanted to walk into my building where I knew there would be a bunch of people and he was farther away. So in my adrenaline, I thought I could make it without him catching up. I was wrong and he grabbed my hand when I was about five feet from the door. At first, he was soft-spoken. He said he wanted to apologize, but I hadn't been responding to his calls. I said we're done and to leave me alone and try to get my hand free. That pissed him off and he pulled me tighter and started yelling that I ruined his life and that I owed him.

[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_00] One of my co-workers came out at the commotion. He's a big guy and a lot taller than Steve, who immediately backed up. I told him to leave and not bother me again and he left. The video of that incident plus the security cameras from the past several days of him waiting in the parking lot when he knows my shift starts was enough for my lawyer to get a restraining order. He's left me alone since then. Took a plea deal and he doesn't know where my new place is, so I think I'm finally in the clear. I didn't want to post until all of it was settled.

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_00] I'm doing better now. I've had multiple therapy sessions. Natalia and I have hung out three times. And the last time, Steve didn't even come up. My workplace has rallied behind me and now I get walked by my co-worker from my car to the door. I'm so grateful for the support system that has rallied behind me. I wouldn't have gotten through this without it. That includes all of the advice and support I got here. Bored Warrior says to OP on this one, You did good, but please stay aware of your surroundings at all times, but especially at night.

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00] Your co-worker won't be close by when you go grocery shopping or tour mall. You got Steve evicted. You pressed charges. People like Steve may do okay short term, but the restraining order will expire in 90 days or so. People like Steve can be very patient. If you aren't inclined to go full martial arts, but please learn some basic self-defense. Stay safe. Commodore says restraining orders can be ordered for different lengths. The one I had for my ex-husband was ordered for two years automatically by the judge based on what he had done.

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_00] Unfortunately, during our divorce, his lawyers did get it reduced, but if he ever acts out again, I do have the history to show that it should be approved again. But OP's final update came 15 months later, over a year later. And started off by saying I doubt anyone still cares. But I remembered this account and wanted to give you all a final update. This whole situation changed my life.

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_00] It was hard to go through, but the advice I got helped me get safe and build what I have now. It gave me a newfound appreciation for community and a low-key addiction to this podcast. And just to mention, that podcast is two hot takes. Great podcast, by the way. OP continues. After my ex confronted me in the parking lot of my work, I didn't feel safe and wound up moving after getting a job in another state around a month later. Everyone who said the worst man predates your soulmate was right.

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00] I moved a block from a library and the librarian wound up asking me out. I was nervous at first, but he seemed so sweet, so we met up in a public location. We've been together since and I didn't know it could be like this. He does the dishes anytime he's over. The other day, I noticed I was almost out of granola. I internally added it to my list, only to find a new bag the next day. He noticed and just brought it unprompted. He cooks for me and still does the dishes after.

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_00] He raised my standards and still insists he's doing the bare minimum. Raspberry is doing good. The move was stressful, but she settled in and I got her an even bigger enclosure as a reward for surviving. My new man and her boop noses, and I love it. Natalia and I will occasionally send TikToks to each other. That's really the extent of it. I know a bunch of people wanted us to be besties or even date, lol. But unfortunately, we just remind each other of what we want to let go too much for that to happen.

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_00] As for Steve, besides the temporary restraining order, not much more with me happened. I did contact the police about the destruction of my stuff, but the interactions with them and potentially having to see him in court made me drop it. There was probably only 500 in damages and that didn't feel worth my mental health. I did learn the landlord evicted him and was talking about suing for the property damage as he smashed some shelves in the sink. Left his PC alone though.

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_00] He asked me for the pictures Natalia took directly after arriving and said he would try to use them. Last I heard, it was still ongoing. I hate to say it, but the cops probably care more about the male landlord and his property damage than me and my clothes, plates, and snake. I wish him luck and hope he holds Steve accountable. I have no idea if the notes are still there. I hope so, so that any future girlfriend finds them. Either way, I feel I did my part.

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_00] Now it's my time to heal and move on. My last thing to say is that if anyone feels like their relationship is a slide where you're giving more than you get, slipping more and more into imbalance. Talk about it. How they react will tell you everything. True Believer says to the OP on this one. Thank you for taking the time to give us an update. Sounds like you've found a keeper. Dependent says totally. I like how she didn't frame it as some fairy tale. Just normal kindness and consideration.

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_00] That's what makes it feel real. DM Kimber says wait. If he's been evicted, then it'd be some random person finding the notes right. Unless you mean the one on the hoover. Hopey says there is one taped to the bottom of his vacuum and one in the back of the cabinet of this big shelf he owns. He could have gotten rid of them when he was evicted, but I like to think they're still there. Another commenter says he did not find the Chromecatcher note. Someone else found it. If he found it, he would have confronted his ex at that time.

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_00] Not wait till you showed him the second note. It's one of those stories that I just sit back afterwards and I'm just like, wow, you know, we've read this in 20 minutes. For OP, this has been over a long period of time. And it's one of those stories where it seems like a tiny red flag. You know, this note that was found in a cabinet that just seemed to unravel everything. This manipulation and abuse. And Natalia is a real one in this, isn't she? Wow. Absolute legend.

[00:22:02] [SPEAKER_00] And the escalation in this was quite scary as well. If you look at it, it's like, you know, it started off as he just doesn't clean much. Then it went to like the gaslighting. You're just like my crazy ex. And she was manipulative, et cetera, et cetera. To he physically blocked her from leaving. Then to destroying her apartment, endangering her pets, you know, when he released them. So it got to the point where he was stalking her at her workplace. And that's what he was doing. Grabbed her arm at the same time. Or a hand, sorry.

[00:22:31] [SPEAKER_00] And a lot of that happened within days. And that's how fast that can escalate. That's how fast this guy's mask dropped when he realized he was losing control. And another little detail that I noticed towards the end there where OP said, you know, he left his PC alone while he smashed up everything else. Smashed up all of OP's stuff. He wasn't having some sort of outburst. Everything he did there was on purpose. It was calculated. He did it because he wanted to hurt OP.

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_00] Again, an OP talking about wanting to help others within this story is just such a beautiful thing to me, I think what she's been through and not wanting it to happen to others. It's just absolutely amazing. Absolutely amazing for you, OP. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And when messaging OP about this particular story and the possibility of reading it with

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_00] the latest update, OP said how glad she is that it brought some really good conversations about subtle abuse and safety plans and wanted to share the final update for, you know, all the people in the comments who said they were going through something similar to let them know that taking the scary step to leave can be the best thing. And request that I include some domestic violence resources. One was love is respect, which was a huge one in helping OP to open her eyes to her situation. And also the national domestic violence hotline.

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_00] So please find that below down in the description if you think it'd be beneficial to you at the same time as well. Thank you so much once again, OP. And I'm just incredibly glad to know that you're doing well. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me.

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_00] So thank you so, so much for being here. Truly, it's absolutely amazing. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.