My Boyfriend Uninvited Me To Christmas At His Ex's Request r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:17] Now, today's first story comes from anyswimming2309 from a new subreddit for us, r slash whatshouldido. And it says, my 37 female boyfriend, 40, uninvited me to Christmas but wants me to leave expensive gifts. If you look at my post history, I escaped a violent male a while ago and got back with an ex who was cold but at least not violent.

[00:00:43] Bert is lazy and passive and there was too much family drama. He has two kids, eight and ten. Now I'm back in the drama. He also never told me he loved me but that is beside the point. His kid's mom has always been awful to me and he never stands up for me. We broke up when she screamed at me when I came with him to pick up the kids. Threw me out and he didn't say anything. It was literally my first interaction with this woman.

[00:01:11] There is no history that I know of. I don't recall ever meeting this woman. 39 female before I dated Phil. And to my knowledge, I have no friends in common with her except my hairstylist, who is a nice woman. She honestly freaked me out, coming at me screaming at our first meeting. They have been divorced seven years so it's not like it's new.

[00:01:31] Anyway, we're back together and initially I was invited to Christmas dinner. I grew up in a cult and have no family since my disabled mother died. He knows this. Now, birth mother is insisting that he cannot see the kids at all if I am there. So, he asked that I find something else to do on Christmas. Well, we only recently got back together. We were together for a year before that but again, no, I love you and I felt more like a friend to him.

[00:01:58] Sometimes I wondered if he's gay and I was his beard. He doesn't drive so asked me to take him to the mall to shop for gifts. I bought expensive gifts for the kids. He wants me to take him grocery shopping and leave the gifts for the kids and leave my dog so they can play with her. But then go away until they are gone. I have a friend who kindly invited me so we're gonna hang out and he says I'm being dramatic and selfish when I tell him I'm just gonna get my money back for the gifts.

[00:02:26] Should I return the gifts or not? You should absolutely not be in this relationship. Is this even a relationship from the way you described it? The absolute audacity for asking you to drop off expensive gifts, leave your dogs for the kids entertainment and then make yourself scarce. He wants all the benefits of you being in his life like driving him around, buying gifts, all that other stuff or keeping you hidden away when it's inconvenient.

[00:02:52] And quite frankly, it sounds like you yourself have been through a lot Opie and would benefit from talking to some professional about it because it just feels like the bar is low on this. From what was described, it just kind of felt to me, I don't know if it's right or not, but it just felt like the bar is literally on the floor, you know, not violent equals good enough when you truly deserve so much more than that.

[00:03:16] In the same post, Opie came up with a mini update and said thank you for all your kind comments and really the unkind comments were helpful by showing me what kindness looked like. To answer people's questions, I've only been free of my controlling narcissistic mother for four years. Even though we escaped the cult 10 years ago. So I'm really still learning to cope. I am in therapy, but my therapist's focus has been to help me build and keep relationships with people. So she tends to explain how to see things from another person's perspective.

[00:03:45] Her suggestion was that I can leave, but also maybe have empathy for Phil's lack of EQ and grow a thicker skin. I might need a better therapist. I was raised to believe that I am worthless and don't deserve kindness. It's taken three years of therapy just to have the confidence to make friends and date at all. I told Phil that I'm taking the gifts back and he's been begging me to give him another chance. I'm working on the strength to walk away. So in the comments, the first one said,

[00:04:14] For goodness sake, you're not ready to be in a relationship. You need time to respect yourself. Another commenter says, Please break up with Phil. You deserve so much better. If he has keys to your home, change your locks ASAP. Please protect your dog as well. He might try to guilt you into giving your dogs to his kids, or he might ask to let your dog stay with them for a few nights every other week, and then they will not return your dog. And if he has keys to your place, he might try to dog nap your dog.

[00:04:41] He has nerve to ask you to send your dog over for Christmas, but not allowing to stay. It's absurd, but not allowing you to stay. It's absurd, disrespectful, and downright cruel. Return all Christmas gifts. He's using you as an ATM. He's going to take all the credit for gifts you bought. He's not going to gift his kids anything. He's depending on you and your generosity and thoughtfulness. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he did not get you a gift. You deserve to be happy.

[00:05:10] You deserve to be valued as a person. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You deserve someone who will protect, defend, and stand up for you. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and be grateful to have you in their life. You don't deserve this chuckle fuck who is taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. He's shown you are not a priority. He's shown more concern for his ex. He's shown you who he is. He's showing you that you are not important to him.

[00:05:38] Please listen to his actions. Next commenter says, Another commenter says, Why would you give one ounce of credibility to a dude who calls you dramatic and selfish?

[00:06:05] While acting like he's been taxidermied in front of his screaming ex. Stop wasting your energy, time, and money on this man. He's picked as lifetime drama and it is her. Let them go be broke messes together. I bet you a million dollars that if you cut this dude off and spent that same care and money on yourself instead, you would feel amazing and your self-esteem would skyrocket. So, sometime later, OP comes in with her update and says, I was shocked at how everyone said boyfriend is wrong.

[00:06:35] I really thought most people would be team birth mother and tell me I'm awful for not cooperating with being asked to leave expensive gifts and my dog for my boyfriend's kids on Christmas. But leave the house, as I'm not allowed. Because that is what most of my friends, okay, I have five friends, told me. They told me relationships are work and compromise and that birth mother and babies must always come first. Even suggested I help cook dinner for them. Most of my friends are actually my late mom's friends, women over 60.

[00:07:04] I started therapy when I was cripplingly shy and to defend my therapist, it's only thanks to her that I stopped sitting alone in my house, totally isolated and learning to connect with other people. While I appreciate the suggestion to be alone for a while, I've been super isolated most of my life and dating again was actually huge progress for me that we worked on for months. I told my therapist that Phil crossed the line and I don't want to save relationships with him or my friends. I want to improve my self-esteem.

[00:07:33] Her emphasis has always been on avoiding isolation at all costs and learning to endure other people's imperfections. She agreed that this Christmas incident was really bad. I am still processing all this. I'm surrounded by people who encouraged me to be a doormat and I'm still shocked at what others thought. I really thought Phil and birth mother were right and 48 hours is not enough time to process that maybe my whole world view is totally messed up.

[00:08:01] I went to my friend's, Mary's house and realized that she's maybe my only real friend. She didn't judge, told me Phil is nuts and we had a great time with her family. I left my dog with a neighbor since her oldest is non-verbal and can be unsafe with animals. I sent him a Venmo request for the money I spent on gas and gifts and he paid it. Bill threw birth mother out at 2pm and begged me to come home.

[00:08:25] I got my dog back from the neighbor, took out the cheapest gifts and he made his kids thank me and play with the presents. Which felt very awkward as he tried to beg them to engage with me while they were on their phones. We hung out with his kids though for an hour. Birth mother came back and refused to get out of her car. Bill is now telling me he loves me, wants to marry me, etc. I don't know what to do. I've been reading non-stop on narcissistic abuse these past few days.

[00:08:52] I am seeing that Phil is just like my mum and that this is maybe what she did. Hoovering. But again, I'm fighting to stop being totally isolated which I did for years after leaving the cult. Had no friends, never dated. It's laughable the number of people have accused me of desperately needing a man. Bill is my first boyfriend and we met when I was a 31 year old virgin with no friends.

[00:09:16] So yes, being alone is grand but I've been alone all my life and fought hard to stop wanting to be alone. Learning to talk to people outside of work topics, have social skills, etc. Has been a huge battle. I'm not autistic but I read that way because after age 7, I was the only kid left in our cult slash commune and I have no social skills and prefer to be alone to an unhealthy degree. I don't know what to do. Maybe Phil grew a spine. Maybe it's Hoovering.

[00:09:43] I'm standing up to him though and looking at finding new friends and hanging more with Mary who said I'm always welcome at her house. And we have another update in a moment but top commenter on that one said yeah, relationships are all about compromise but when the compromise is all on your side, it's just not worth it. Now your boyfriend is love bombing you. Take a step back then take an even bigger step back from this guy. You deserve better than him. Another commenter says, There is a huge difference between isolating and being alone.

[00:10:13] You can be alone and still engage with the world. None of these people love you. They're using you. They think they can manipulate you and they are right because you're operating from a place of being conditioned to trust people and ignore red flags. Right now, honestly, it sounds like you need to live alone. Engage in a variety of lighthearted activities that allow you to be around people without huge emotions attached. Art classes, acting classes, a D&D group, etc. Journal a lot. Work on developing a master plan for your life.

[00:10:43] Then start to implement those changes. It's lovely to be in a relationship but I heard a therapist say, You need to clean house before introducing new furniture into it. You can't put the couch where you want it until you clean the shit off the floor. Clean house first mentality and spiritually. And then work on recognizing healthy relationship dynamics. Your life on its own without other complications attached has value and takes priority. Especially when escaping your background.

[00:11:11] Take some time to explore the world and figure out what you want. And I guarantee it would be much harder to let yourself put up with this sort of treatment. Another commenter says, Have you considered looking into local clubs and hobbies? Painting class, kickboxing, book club. You don't need to keep him. He's a bad boyfriend and dog owner. Another commenter says, Hang with Mary. Have her introduce you to her friends and family. She clearly comes from good people. Ask her to help you find groups where you can meet people.

[00:11:40] Book clubs, gaming groups, take an evening college. Different universities call it different things. Class or two. There are classes that the campus hosts. Someone decides they want to teach how to can and preserve food. Or how to write poetry. Or how to do a ballroom dance. Or general car maintenance or computer use. And they offer a class. Usually it's only about $40 to $100. And it's several weeks at an hour or so a week. I did ballroom dance and loved it.

[00:12:07] Speak with Mary and her group and ask them to help you find social connections. I wish you the best. This is just another reason to put in the I hate cults list. You made it out. You're making it. You're growing and developing confidence. And you will get there.

[00:12:49] A month after that. Bill arranged a small Christmas gift opening for me. Him and his kids. He finally told me he loved me and wants to marry me. He then offered to let me move in with him. But then hit me up to buy a sofa. A few days later I was out of gas. He got out to pump the gas but asked for my credit card. He would not even chip in for gas. Even though I take him everywhere. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that I'm out of kitchen knives.

[00:13:18] Like my utensil drawer was just emptier and emptier. I have a cleaning lady and figured maybe she put them someplace weird. Because she's spaced out. She's sweet but more ADHD than I am. Which is a lot. They were in Phil's utensil drawer. He's been stealing utensils from me. For some reason this was it. Today I blocked him. Then Opie added a little update to that same post. And said I confronted Phil about the knives when I returned his stuff.

[00:13:47] He was taking pot brownies to work. And eating them all day. And needed my knives to cut them. Then forgot to return them. So on top of everything. He was doing drugs at work. He took one or two each week. He doesn't see the big deal. But I've also found empty boxes in the cabinets. Where he ate everything and put the box back. So I think he's been stealing deliberately. And will probably find more things missing. That guy is a walking red flag. And I hope you do stay out of it.

[00:14:17] And do not go back to that man. Because he is not a good person. But I always find stories like this really interesting. And sad. Incredibly sad at the same time. But I think it highlights how growing up in an abusive environment. A cult. Can completely warp your sense of reality. Or what's normal in relationships. Like for Opie. That her bar was pretty much just set by the trauma that she experienced. Someone that's treated her like shit.

[00:14:47] Is acceptable to her. Which is incredibly sad. And once again Opie. You deserve so much better. I really do hope you get to that point. I hope you continue healing. And learning what healthy love actually looks like. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now this next story comes from the entitled people subreddit. From reasonablecat5767.

[00:15:17] And says my sister seems to think she's entitled to my trust fund. And lied to try and get it. There's a bit of backstory to this. And I'm not sure what's relevant. But I'm sure you'll tell me if I blather on too much. Mostly I just need to rant. My 38 female family is a little messed up. I essentially have. Slash had. Five parents. And three different groups of siblings. It's a bit much. As a child I was living in the US with my adoptive parents.

[00:15:47] And a lot of shit went down that wasn't great. So I moved back to the UK when I was nine. I had a lot of trauma. And the beginnings of a rather serious drug problem. And so my US dad set up a trust for me before he died. So that anything mental health related was paid for. And I didn't have to stress about being able to sort myself out as I got older. It's been rather handy over the last 30 years. Paying for a home when I was a teenager. Therapy. Rehab. Basically anything needed to help me not die.

[00:16:17] At some point in my teenage years. I made contact with my biological parents and their other kids. And was welcomed back into the fold. Some of my full siblings had issues with this. Fair enough. It was a big change to everyone's lives. My little sister. Now early 30s. Apparently found it particularly hard. And so we've never got along. And have been no contact for almost a decade. This has become particularly apparent in recent weeks. After she contacted the solicitors. Who are in control of the trust.

[00:16:47] Pretending to be from a rehab facility in the US. She sent them an invoice for a three month stay. Requesting payment to the bank account of a friend of hers in the US. The first I heard about this was a phone call from said solicitor's office. Offering their commiseration. That I was due to enter the facility. Wishing me luck and double checking the details.

[00:17:36] I am livid. I can't even just ask. Just to try it and steal it. I have no idea what to do about this. Because if I go to the police center to create even more drama in the family than I could do without. And I feel that's exactly what she wants. Our parents will side with her and she knows it. I don't want to give her the satisfaction. But I'm just so mad that she chose this specific way to try and take what's not hers. It feels like such a low blow. Obviously she's getting sweet FA but what the fuck.

[00:18:07] ETA because a few people have asked. My father had to bail me out of a shitty situation a couple of years ago. Which included getting the flight to another country to come and get me. Obviously I insisted he accept reimbursement for his flight. Despite him not needing the money. So he would have all the details of my solicitors and the fund from that time. My sister often visits my parents. So I suspect she would have seen the information in my dad's office at some point. I've certainly never mentioned the fund to any of my siblings.

[00:18:38] And I'll just give you an overview of the comments. Because they were all pretty much you know. Getting contact with the authorities over this. The police. Solicitors. Whoever. Because if she's willing to do that. She's willing to go further. If she needs to. One of the commenters said you know. If you don't want any of the extra drama. Just play dumb. Just say oh. Someone's trying to. Someone's trying to access my accounts. Or. You have no idea who it is. So you just got in contact with the authorities to chase this down. And you know. When it turns out to be sister.

[00:19:08] Oh shit you didn't know. This just comes down to simple. Actions have consequences. And she's going to find out. But OP gave us. A mini update at the top of this post. Some time later. They said. Update. I guess. So this got pretty overwhelming. Pretty quickly. I'm balancing getting things done. And tied up with not losing my mind. Which is always fun. Solicitors are reporting everything for me. As they are indeed required to do so. Turns out.

[00:19:38] What I'd misunderstood. And thought. Had to get involved. But no. It's all on them. I'm going to just let what happens. Happens. I'll be setting up a meeting at some point. To go through all the transactions made over the last 20 years or so. Just to make sure nothing else nefarious has gone on. Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I'm not doing something wrong by wanting this sorted. But I'd appreciate a little less speculation on my life. And the role my parents play in it. If you can imagine that.

[00:20:05] And I always like to think about the thought process. That goes into these kind of things. Thinking from that sister's point of view. The planning. The thought process behind it. It's really calculated and cruel isn't it? How she must have came up with like an entire narrative in her head. To justify taking what isn't hers. Even from OP. OP who's been through so much herself already.

[00:20:33] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories. Your love. Your support. Your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.