My Boyfriend Is Angry At The Way I Drink Coffee "Under His Roof" r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:17] Now today's first story comes from Schmetzels who says, am I the arsehole for telling my boyfriend to go F himself for telling me to drink my coffee in a particular way under his roof? It starts, I take a long time to drink my coffee and as a result sometimes get cold before I finish it. I don't mind cold coffee so I drink it anyway. My boyfriend thinks this is disgusting. He doesn't like coffee anyway. He told me that he doesn't want me to drink my coffee that way because it disgusts.

[00:00:48] I told him that it's me who's drinking it. Why should he care? He insisted that it is disgusting and if I don't want you to drink a cup of coffee around the house, then you don't. And the good old my house, my rules. He compared it to him not wanting guests to smoke in his house or taking off shoes at the door. However, I told him those examples are not comparable because secondhand smoke is still harmful and wearing dirty shoes in the house makes the floor dirty for everyone else's feet.

[00:01:17] How I drink a cup of coffee does neither. I lost my cool and told him to go F himself for being controlling. Am I the arsehole? And of course we have further information from OP when people was asking OP questions. Failed says, not the arsehole. Has he ever heard of iced coffee? Why are you living with him? OP says, I don't even live with him. We're in a long distance relationship and this is when I stayed with him in his parents' house over two weeks.

[00:01:46] So he done the my house, my rules whilst living in his parents' house. Okay then. Failed says, he's showing you his true self. Believe him. Am I Messica says, red flags here, you drop these. Trying to control how you drink your coffee is a huge red flag. Definitely don't give in, but it'll only get worse from here.

[00:02:09] What you can eat and can't eat. What you can wear and can't wear. Who you can and can't see, etc. Not the arsehole. And Miss America says, the narcissist prayer. That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, it's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Red flag. Red flag. I'm sorry you found it as a controlling act. Oh lord.

[00:02:39] Opie added a mini update that same day and said, I showed him the comments and he conveniently came up with the excuse. I'm sorry you found it as a controlling act. I said that because not being used to coffee, I can smell its odor. So I don't want the odor to spread around the house. I told him it's not a matter of me seeing it that way. He is being controlling and it's unacceptable. He keeps asking me to explain why, even though I feel like I have about a million times.

[00:03:07] I said that I've explained enough and I'm not interested in talking until he takes responsibility. Starry Motley says, regarding your update. He's framing this as a matter of your opinion and pretending not to understand in order to avoid admitting what's obvious to everyone on this sub. This is because he already knows he's behaving badly and is doing it on purpose and wants to continue doing it because it benefits him. Big, big, big red flags. Please get away from him. Not the arsehole.

[00:03:36] He's controlling and manipulative. Opie says thank you for your input. Can I ask what it is you think he's benefiting from? Starry replies saying he gets to control you. Maybe not on everything, but the longer you stay and the more controlling behavior you tolerate, the more will slip under the radar and the more you'll end up meeting his unreasonable demands. You'll decide, not even consciously, that you would rather do what he wants than fight him on some small issue. And then another small issue.

[00:04:06] And then a big one. And meanwhile, he'll not be making efforts to please and accommodate you. You may even start to question yourself and internalize his viewpoint. It's never about cold coffee. It's about power. Manipulators and controlling people never start with, Be my 24-7 maid who I have sex with, but who never gets off herself. Who gives me children if I'm into that. Who isn't allowed to have money or a job or talk to her friends and family.

[00:04:31] Who lives miles or countries away from anybody who might help her get out of this abusive relationship. They don't start there. They start with, You drink coffee the wrong way. And I'm so very sorry that you were irrational about my coffee request. If you had pointed out how many people think he was an arsehole about the coffee. And he had gone, Oh wow, yeah, I was being an arsehole. I'm sorry. And then not done it again. Then that would be one thing. But what you posted about his response sent chills down my spine.

[00:04:59] That is not the response of a mostly well-meaning guy. That is the response of a guy who will twist reality into knots to get what he wants. Cosmic Ocean Horror says, Fuck no, that guy sounds like an arsehole. He sounds like a chauvinist pig. And he doesn't deserve you. Quick question. Surely you knew whether or not you were the arsehole before you posted this. Opie said, I was sure that I was not the arsehole. But he doesn't take responsibility and instead assumes it's because of my past emotionally abusive relationship.

[00:05:29] Bale replies in, That's called gaslighting. Your current boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. You're breaking up with him, right? Opie says, I told him about the comments and he said, I'm sorry that you found it as a controlling act. I said that because not being used to coffee, I can smell its odor. So I don't want the odor to spread around the house. I told him it's not a matter of how I see it. His behavior is unacceptable. He keeps asking me to explain why even though I feel like I've already explained a million times.

[00:05:56] I eventually said that I'm not interested in talking until he takes full responsibility. He just said, I am deeply sorry. What I did was criticism over a small thing like drinking coffee. And I must have made you feel unaccepted and imperfect. Something like this should never become a constant dynamic in any relationship. I take full responsibility for what happened. What do I do? Bale says, It's entirely up to you. But I can promise you this will not be the first or last time he does this.

[00:06:25] His apology sounds like he's telling you what you want to hear so you'll drop it. He's sorry that you found his behavior controlling. He's not sorry for being controlling. There is a very clear difference. The OP came in to update the post and said, So someone posted on my boyfriend's social media page as a comment, now deleted in the original post. Unfortunately, my boyfriend still received some nasty messages, which was never meant to happen, regardless of who was at fault. If you are the person who did this, you are the asshole big time.

[00:06:55] Why on earth would you do that? What if I was in a dangerous, abusive relationship? That could have put my life in danger. My boyfriend, even though I showed him the original post, while there were six comments, blamed me for this person's behavior, and accused me of allowing cyberbullying. He also did not agree with any of the comments. I told him I understand why he's upset, and that I am upset too, because I truly believed it was completely anonymous, and I did all I could to remove the comment as soon as I saw it. He did not agree with any of the comments,

[00:07:25] and said that I am the one who's controlling. He also said that what I did is unforgivable, as well as irresponsible and reckless. I said I needed to be alone to think about things. After I thought about everything that happened, I asked if we could talk the next day. Despite what happened, I felt it would be the decent thing to talk on the phone. I feel he responded pretty aggressively, saying things like, I'm ready now, don't know about tomorrow. He told me to write it down, as I preferred to have a mob go at him,

[00:07:54] to text him tomorrow to check when he's available, and that he's not at my disposal. I told him to please stop being aggressive. It's unreasonable to expect me to guess when he's available, and that the point of asking when he's available is to appreciate he may have other things to do. The next day, I sent him a voice recording, because I felt that he would turn aggressive on the phone. I told him that I think we're on different paths, and it would be for the best to end this relationship. Apparently, by that point, he already decided to end the relationship,

[00:08:23] but then said later, that he was willing to give me a second chance, and that his love was stronger. He said that he made grave mistakes, and that he feels sorry, but he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't let him be himself. Okay, hope that gives him the closure he needs. Then, I had a cup of coffee. Edit. Sorry if it was unclear. What I meant to say is that I broke up with him, and then I enjoyed my cup of coffee in peace. Someone says to OP, just a question here, did you make you, or are your boyfriend identifiable in the post?

[00:08:53] How would anyone have known it was your boyfriend to share his social media, other than him when you showed him the post and responses? Throwing out the theory here that he posted his own social media in there to manipulate the situation, and distract it from him being wrong. It's no longer about him being controlling about coffee, but makes you feel bad, and puts you at fault for making the Reddit post. OP says, no, I didn't post any identifiable information. No names, no locations, nothing. Just a conversation.

[00:09:21] I thought perhaps someone found my social media page through a picture I posted of myself, and found him that way, so I deleted it. I also thought that it might have actually been him, because I sent him a screenshot of my original post, when there were only six comments, and he didn't seem to have anything wrong with what I wrote. In fact, he kept asking if more people commented. He told me that someone gave him the link to the post. I never hid the post from him. Someone says, really strange. I think it was him, to be honest, but gal, I see in the comments you are now free

[00:09:51] to enjoy your lukewarm coffee and peace. OP says, yeah. On second thoughts, I should have asked him to send me a screenshot of what messages he received. Thank you. I definitely did. The Chrissy says, he definitely posted that shit himself. And the top comment said, my wife leaves her coffee until it's stone cold. I call her weird in a joking way, and I get the fuck on with my life because her drinking a coffee cold doesn't impact my life in the slightest.

[00:10:18] And I definitely feel like OP dodging an absolute bullet there because if he's been controlling over coffee, like the comment said, it's going to be about something else further down the line. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from a throwaway account. And just to give you a warning, in case you do want to skip the story, there is mentions of miscarriage within the story.

[00:10:48] So as always, if you want to skip it, timestamps are down in the description and along the timeline below. It's titled, I 34 male found videos and pictures of my wife, 34 female with another couple. How do I tell her I'm no longer comfortable being around the other couple? Also, this is a throwaway account. So I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. My wife and I have been married now for just shy of 12 years. We met in college between her junior and senior years.

[00:11:17] During this time, I also met her close friends, Brian and Chloe. They were high school sweethearts who are currently married and friends still with my wife and myself. I've been off work now for a week due to me accruing too many days leave. I had to burn some or I would lose them. School is about to start back up so I figured I would clean the house and generally straighten up everything while the kids are still in summer camp and my wife is at work. While moving things into the attic on Tuesday, I stumbled across an old filing cabinet

[00:11:46] like the small one you can put on a desk. Inside, I found a flash drive with a red heart colored on it. Now, I'll admit my curiosity got the best of me and so I popped downstairs and threw it into the computer. Once I opened it up, there was only one folder titled Summer of Love. Looking in that folder, I found pictures and videos of my wife, Brian and Chloe, engaging in various sexual acts. Looking into it further, it was apparent that it was the summer we met. When my wife got home that evening,

[00:12:15] I couldn't hold it in and I just asked her about the Summer of Love. She immediately got defensive and saying that I broke her trust by going through her things. We got into a huge fight where I found out she had been there third for about five months or so and it ended at the end of summer and our relationship looked like it was going strong. She says it was college. We, me and her, weren't serious yet and that I was making her feel bad for things that happened years in the past. I told her I wasn't very comfortable being friends with Brian and Chloe anymore.

[00:12:45] This only led to more fighting. So honestly, right now, I'm just kind of lost. I'm not comfortable seeing Brian and Chloe after seeing what I saw, but it's driving a wedge between me and my wife. I'm not sure if I should make it an ultimatum like choose me or them. I have so many feelings. Am I wrong in the way that I just read that and that she was with OP while she was still sleeping with those two so she was cheating on you? And there was a comment from OP who said, this may get lost in the comments,

[00:13:15] but I've seen a few people unsure if me and my wife were dating. First off, sorry, I'm obviously not in the best headspace right now, but let me clarify. I met her in June 2010. The relationship with Brian and Chloe ended in August when my wife returned to school after five months. So something like March is when it started. In regards to dating, I felt like by July we were definitely going strong and monogamous. Again, sorry for confusion. Eve says, she cheated. Was she calling you a boyfriend?

[00:13:45] Did she by omission allow you to think there was nobody else? Her entire relationship started based on a lie. OP says, in regard to the boyfriend and girlfriend thing, I'll say sometime at the beginning of August, she posted a picture on Facebook where she called me her boyfriend. Bad Bad Papa says, if you became exclusive at the end of July, 28 example, and she broke it off with them in the beginning of August, but if you were exclusive for approximately 30 days, while she was sleeping with them and you,

[00:14:14] that's a different story. OP says, so I replied to another comment, and while I think we should have been exclusively together in July, she did post a Facebook picture acknowledging me as her boyfriend in the beginning of August. That relationship didn't end until the end of August. So then OP updated their post and says, so first off, I was kicked off relationship advice. I don't know why, but I kind of read their message and got off Reddit for a while. I don't know if I put this on Reddit, if I will catch a permanent Reddit ban,

[00:14:43] but oh well. So I called Brian about a day after my original post. I told him I knew about the summer of love. He was quiet for about a minute. He then began apologizing profusely. So here's what I know from Brian. In March 2010, my wife had not had the best dating experiences in college. Chloe and my wife began having a sexual relationship which Brian knew about. Eventually, in late April, Brian was invited into the mix. A whole summer of love video and photo session

[00:15:13] took place July 7th 2010. They'd gone to a party the day before and on the 7th they all got drunk and high in my wife's apartment and decided to make the video. When my wife posted on Facebook in August acknowledging me as her boyfriend, Brian decided to no longer engage in the relationship. Chloe and my wife continued to engage in a sexual relationship until late September. At that time, my wife had found out she had been pregnant and had miscarried. She was about two months along.

[00:15:42] Until the miscarriage, she was apparently fully unaware she was even pregnant. At the time, on what I knew, she was having financial and grade issues as why she was so depressed during that time. What I know now is that it's not so sure if the child would have been mine or Brian's. This apparently sent them all into shock and it was determined that it would be best to keep this a secret and to fully end all relationships. They haven't done anything since and they want to keep it that way. That week, I was still off. On that Thursday, my wife dropped

[00:16:11] the kids off at daycare and took the day off. We spent the entire day talking. Her story is the same as Brian's from what I can tell. She explained that her and Chloe did keep up a sexual relationship as she, due to past relationships, she was afraid that ours would fail as well. She had thought of telling me of it over the years but figured it'd be best left a secret. She was also embarrassed to admit that she had been bisexual in college. A flash drive she had completely forgotten about. We have moved around four times since we've been married

[00:16:40] so it's plausible. A small little filing cabinet was used in the past for junk items like spare batteries and wires and shit. We have managed to get into couples therapy session on short notice. It was last Thursday. Everything went smoothly, a lot of tears were shed on her side and I believe what my wife is saying. The thing is, there has never once been a day or time frame in all our years of marriage when any of them could have gotten together. She has agreed to keep contact with Chloe to a bare minimum while we work through all this. It's one of those

[00:17:10] ones where once the trust is gone what actually is there? You know, she's been lying about it all this time. It definitely does sound like there was cheating involved. Regardless of how some of the comments may have seen it, to me, I would have seen it that way. And how do you move on from that? Obviously, they're in counselling now and they might just work it out so best of luck to them is all I can say. However, I'm not sure I would feel the same way after that. It just seems like rocky road ahead to me.

[00:17:40] But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Now, our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit. It doesn't have an update as yet. It's from a throwaway account and says, Am I the Arsehole for telling my mom it wasn't cute or funny to dress me as a hot dog instead of a princess. So, there's this new Target commercial going around where a little girl dresses as a hot dog

[00:18:09] and it came on while my family was watching a scary movie. I, 20 female, am home from college for the weekend and brought my boyfriend and my mother, 57 female, decided it'd be hilarious to mention that she'd made me a hot dog costume as a kid. Except the way she told the story, it was my request. She said that all girls wanted to be Disney princesses but I had asked to be a hot dog and so she'd gone out of her way to make me that costume. This is not what happened and I said as much.

[00:18:38] What actually happened is that I wanted to be Snow White and I told everyone, including the teachers, that I was going to be Snow White. I was obsessed with that movie as a kid to the point where I would actually get invested in doing chores because I was cleaning up just like Snow White. My dad and I would watch the movie all the time and I was very excited to be Snow White for Halloween. Especially because my ballet studio was doing a special princess dance for Halloween and we'd all signed up for special princess slots

[00:19:08] and I'd shown up early with my dad the week before so I could get to be Snow White. My mother decided that she wanted to be quirky and that Snow White was a bad role model after I got in trouble for trying to cook dinner for my family. I was about 8 and I tried to make hot dogs like how she made food for the dwarves in the movie and I made a mess. My mum surprised me on the day with this crappy hot dog suit and told me if I didn't wear it she'd never let me watch Snow White again.

[00:19:37] She took a million pictures. The other girls teased me for months and it was one of the most humiliating moments of my childhood. I told the real story and mentioned that I got through the day by pretending that she was the evil queen making me dress in rags but the rags happened to be a garbage meat costume. She got really quiet after that and after we left my brother says she was crying and looking at the pictures from that Halloween. I didn't want to make my mum cry but it's a shitty memory for me and it felt like

[00:20:07] she was trying to humiliate me all over again in front of my boyfriend. Atmospheric says not the arse so she clearly had a different perspective and you set her straight. Just because someone cries doesn't mean they're the victim in this. Especially if the truth is that not only did you not want to wear the hot dog but she threatened your favourite movie as a result. Wear this or else. Like what the fuck? If this is true it's pretty weird and messed up. I'd never force a costume on my child. That's such a weird ass thing to do. OP says she hated

[00:20:37] Snow White and Cinderella and Aurora. She was kind of okay with Belle and really pushed Marita on me but those weren't the ones I was interested in. She generally hated everything I liked and was really into the whole Cinderella ate my daughter thing. She wanted us to be allies against other mums of the town we lived in. I just wanted them to be like other mums honestly because they were nicer. Very upset he says your mum sounds like a real wiener. Low Balance

[00:21:07] says I'd say let it go but that would be hypocritical of me so instead make peace with your hot dog costume but remember your mum for whitewashing the memory. My mum has a version of my childhood that did not happen at all. In my mum's version it was all snowflakes hugs puppies and unicorns and that is not the reality I lived. I've since let it go as to that's what she needs to remember and that's okay. It's not reality but it's okay that she wants to remember it that way. It doesn't change what really happened

[00:21:36] and if she needs to remember it that way that's fine I don't let it impact me. That said I do get the absolute outrage for that's fucking not what happened. I just shrug and let it go because I decided I don't care. Opie says in my mum's version I hated the other girls in town as much as she hated the other women and wanted to be a weird kid because she wanted to be a weird mum who doesn't like housework or makeup or dresses. I learned makeup from a friend's mum. I learned basic house girls from YouTube and I never had clothes

[00:22:06] I actually liked unless I asked non her relatives for them for Christmas or my birthday. Sucked. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today getting involved in the stories. Your love your support your time always means the absolute world to me so thank you so so much and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.