Mom Went NO CONTACT With Me A Decade Ago And Now Suddenly Wants To Meet r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting the like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] Now today's first story comes from coldreaction9554 from the amithearsholehere subreddit and says amithearshole for refusing to meet my mom after she went no contact with me for over a decade.

[00:00:33] So, a little background. I'm 35 male and my parents divorced when I was 17. My dad struggled with alcohol and drug addiction and my mom eventually left him, which I totally understood and supported. Living with him was impossible.

[00:00:48] He wasn't violent but verbally abusive and he spent all of our money on his habits. That was the last straw for my mom.

[00:00:56] After the divorce, my dad spiraled. He nearly overdosed and ended up in the ICU. I was living with my mom at the time, but I was scared that my dad would die, so I moved back with him and my uncle's family. My mom was disappointed but let me make my choice.

[00:01:12] Losing my mom, most of his friends, going broke, nearly dying finally got through to my dad and he promised he would get better for me. It was hard to watch but he actually turned things around. My uncle paid for everything. Rehab, therapy, medical bills. And after about 5 years, my dad was clean and somewhat healthy again.

[00:01:33] He even apologized to my mom and she forgave him, though she told me later it was only for my sake so that I could be civil at future events like my graduation or wedding.

[00:01:44] Over those years, I kept in contact with my mom. Regularly met with her. She had moved on and met a great guy who she eventually married. She was much happier and I was happy for her. I thought we had a pretty good relationship.

[00:01:57] That changed when I was 23. My mom asked me to come over and she told me she was still angry and disappointed that I chose my dad over her after the divorce.

[00:02:07] She said I was ungrateful for everything she went through, putting up with my dad's shit, and then she hit me with something that still pisses me off today.

[00:02:15] She told me she could see me becoming a drunk and drug addict like my dad because I stayed close to him.

[00:02:21] I don't drink, I don't do drugs to this day, and I have no idea where that even came from.

[00:02:25] I was floored. I thought we had moved past all that, but apparently she's been harboring resentment for years.

[00:02:32] Then she said that she wanted to go no contact with me because being around me brought back too many bad memories of my dad.

[00:02:39] She said she had found peace and happiness and I was a reminder of all the pain she had been through.

[00:02:44] I didn't know what to say except, okay.

[00:02:47] I later found out from a cousin on her side that her whole family was pissed at me for staying with my dad back then,

[00:02:53] and they all went no contact with me for her sake, saying that I betrayed her.

[00:02:57] I haven't seen or heard from my mom since that day.

[00:03:00] Fast forward to now.

[00:03:01] My dad passed away two years ago from a heart attack, a result of his years of addiction.

[00:03:07] Despite being clean for over a decade, he had lingering medical issues.

[00:03:11] I recently got married.

[00:03:13] My wife posted some pictures from the wedding on Facebook.

[00:03:16] My wife said a woman claiming to be a cousin contacted her.

[00:03:20] I looked at the message and it was a cousin from my mom's side,

[00:03:23] asking if it was really me in the pictures with my full name.

[00:03:27] I told my wife to ignore it, but then I got a call from my uncle later that same day,

[00:03:31] saying that my mom showed up at his house.

[00:03:34] For context, the house where my uncle lives currently used to be the home where I grew up with my parents.

[00:03:39] My uncle said she asked him to arrange a meeting between us,

[00:03:43] saying she wants to apologize to me face to face.

[00:03:46] He told me he can set it up if I want.

[00:03:49] Honestly, after all these years, I feel nothing for her except maybe slight resentment

[00:03:54] for thinking that I would turn out as an addict.

[00:03:57] I was going to say no right away, but my wife thinks that's a shitty thing to do

[00:04:01] and I should at least hear her out.

[00:04:03] Let her apologize and then go back to never seeing her again if I want.

[00:04:07] She says, despite what she did,

[00:04:09] she did shield me from most of my dad's addictions growing up.

[00:04:13] Now I'm having second thoughts.

[00:04:15] Am I the asshole if I refuse to meet her?

[00:04:19] Now for me, like all these situations like this,

[00:04:22] when someone wants to come back into your life,

[00:04:24] this is, you know, a very personal choice.

[00:04:27] Because like I can say for me,

[00:04:28] I'm always someone who's very curious about what that person's going to say.

[00:04:33] And I think for me, I need that for my own closure's sake.

[00:04:37] Not that the OP might not even want closure on this, you know.

[00:04:41] But the way I'm reading it so far for OP is that, you know,

[00:04:45] they said for all these years, they feel nothing but maybe slight resentment.

[00:04:48] So in some ways, I can see this not being a good idea for OP at the same time.

[00:04:54] If you're just meeting her to hear her apology,

[00:04:57] it's just for her own closure, you know,

[00:04:59] which you just don't have to do.

[00:05:02] But a commenter says to OP,

[00:05:03] not the asshole, but I am wondering if you're an only child.

[00:05:06] Her reasoning might be that since you got married,

[00:05:09] you might also be having kids and she wants to be a grandmother.

[00:05:12] You have to think about what her ulterior motive might be.

[00:05:15] And this is what I come up with.

[00:05:17] OP says,

[00:05:18] one of my reasonings is also this.

[00:05:19] She never cared before.

[00:05:21] That cousin probably told her about the wedding pictures.

[00:05:24] Another commenter says,

[00:05:25] not the asshole.

[00:05:25] I think you were very kind to be there for your dad when he needed you.

[00:05:30] Even though he should have been the one taking care of you.

[00:05:33] It was really cruel of your mom to punish you for that kindness.

[00:05:36] And whether or not you want to hear her out is your decision.

[00:05:39] I do like your wife's attitude that you can hear your mom out and then decide if you want to forgive her or not.

[00:05:45] But what your mom did was shitty.

[00:05:47] And it would be understandable if you didn't want to talk to her.

[00:05:50] Another commenter says,

[00:05:51] I agree with everything except your take on the wife's attitude.

[00:05:54] I think she's pushing her own feelings.

[00:05:57] Not supporting OP with this.

[00:05:58] He doesn't owe his mother hearing her out just so she feels less guilty.

[00:06:03] OP responded to that and says,

[00:06:05] my wife is just looking out for me so I don't have any regrets.

[00:06:08] I know she will fully support me if I say I do not want to meet her.

[00:06:12] And another commenter says,

[00:06:13] not the asshole.

[00:06:14] You have to go with your gut.

[00:06:16] It's been 10 years and she has discovered that you didn't become an addict and instead have created a happy life.

[00:06:22] You're married which means there could be grandkids in the future.

[00:06:25] Are you happy without her?

[00:06:27] If you've moved on without that side of the family.

[00:06:30] If you've created your own happy family.

[00:06:32] Then why rock that boat?

[00:06:34] Your wife may not be able to let it go though.

[00:06:36] And if you turn your mother down,

[00:06:38] you're going to have a lot of flying monkeys contacting you and your wife to tell you how cruel you are being.

[00:06:43] I couldn't deal with that personally.

[00:06:45] I don't do drama.

[00:06:46] She made a choice and you've respected it.

[00:06:49] I'd say no and be ready with the block feature.

[00:06:52] So then OP came in with her update and says,

[00:06:55] I didn't expect the amount of comments I got on the first post.

[00:06:58] Thank you to everyone who weighed in,

[00:07:00] whether you agreed with me or not.

[00:07:02] There were so many different perspectives and I've taken time to think about everything.

[00:07:06] First, I want to talk about this.

[00:07:08] A few of you said that I abandoned my mom when I went to live with my dad.

[00:07:12] It looks that way when I think about it now.

[00:07:14] However, I feel I'd never abandoned her in any way.

[00:07:18] I loved my mom dearly and I loved my dad too.

[00:07:21] When she told me she was divorcing dad, I helped her pack.

[00:07:24] I left with her as I thought at the time dad was a lost cause.

[00:07:28] I went back about seven months after the divorce when my dad was fighting for his life.

[00:07:33] That was when he promised me he would change and get help.

[00:07:37] I chose to stay with dad after getting permission from mom.

[00:07:40] As I said in my first post, she was disappointed but agreed dad needed me.

[00:07:44] Even after I chose to stay with my dad and uncle, I always stayed in contact with her.

[00:07:49] My mom and dad lived about 20 minutes apart and I made sure to see my mom regularly, four to five times a week at least.

[00:07:56] I talked to her every day too.

[00:07:58] We went on trips together, ate meals together and hung out as much as we could.

[00:08:03] When she moved in with her new husband, who I will call John, she always included me in her new family's life.

[00:08:08] John was good to me too.

[00:08:10] For all that time, there was not even one inclination of the resentment mom had for me when she blindsided me with the decision to go no contact.

[00:08:18] I was completely shocked.

[00:08:20] She never expressed any anger or frustrations towards me.

[00:08:24] We never argued and she never showed she was upset about my relationship with my dad.

[00:08:28] Until that day.

[00:08:30] After she blocked me from everyone, I tried for a couple of years to reconnect but eventually gave up when I moved out of the city.

[00:08:38] On to the update.

[00:08:39] A lot of you told me to meet her for closure.

[00:08:41] While others said not to bother.

[00:08:44] After thinking about it for a while, I had decided to meet her and was going to tell my uncle to set up a meeting with her.

[00:08:49] But before I could tell him, my uncle called me again.

[00:08:52] Three days after my mom showed up at his house.

[00:08:55] He told me she came by again and gave him a letter for me.

[00:08:58] She apologized for bothering him and that she wouldn't be coming by again and she didn't want to raise my hopes unnecessarily.

[00:09:04] And hoped I would understand after I read the letter.

[00:09:07] Uncle said she sounded very sincere.

[00:09:10] I asked my uncle to send me pictures of the letter.

[00:09:13] It's not that long and I'll summarize the important bits.

[00:09:16] The letter was a mix of apologies and well wishes.

[00:09:19] She wrote she was sorry for how she treated me back then.

[00:09:22] Especially for saying I'd turn out like my dad.

[00:09:25] She said she was going through some relationship issues with John and then seeing dad get better made her feel bitter because dad never tried for her.

[00:09:32] She thought her second marriage was failing and everyone around her was happy.

[00:09:36] While she was miserable.

[00:09:38] She said she listened to some bad advice and she regrets it.

[00:09:41] She said she regrets taking her anger all on me when she should have gotten help.

[00:09:46] She said she made up lies to her side of the family so they side with her.

[00:09:50] I do not know these lies.

[00:09:52] Is this what she only wrote?

[00:09:54] She said she got help a couple of years after she went no contact but was too ashamed to reach out to me.

[00:09:59] She saw the wedding pictures and is happy for me wishing me the best in my life.

[00:10:04] She wrote that while she initially wanted to meet me.

[00:10:06] After some reflection and with her family's advice she realized it was for selfish reasons and for her own sake only.

[00:10:13] She apologized again and said it's better if we keep things the way they are.

[00:10:16] She ended the letter by saying she's happy and she doesn't want to drag out the past.

[00:10:21] She apologizes once more and wrote she won't contact me again for both our sakes and asked me not to contact her as well and wish me and my wife well.

[00:10:30] So there's that.

[00:10:31] Honestly is probably the best outcome and I'm at peace with it.

[00:10:35] I'm happy with my life and I'm glad my mum is happy with her life.

[00:10:39] Like she asked I'm not going to contact her but I will keep my door open if she wants to meet in the future.

[00:10:44] I also realized how stupid I was to hold on to my resentment of her comment about me becoming an addict.

[00:10:50] I also want to address the comments that said my wife was overstepping.

[00:10:54] My wife knows all about my past and about my mum.

[00:10:58] She has a kind soul who sees the best in people.

[00:11:01] Like I said in a comment in my first post.

[00:11:03] She was just looking out for me.

[00:11:05] She wanted me to have no regrets.

[00:11:07] She did apologize for saying it would be shitty not to meet my mum but it's all good.

[00:11:12] We both know each other's boundaries.

[00:11:14] We communicate well.

[00:11:15] Right now we're planning our honeymoon and life is good.

[00:11:18] Thanks for all the supportive messages and comments.

[00:11:21] Truly appreciate it.

[00:11:22] Bye.

[00:11:24] And a commenter says to OP the good ending.

[00:11:28] OP says yep I'm happy with this.

[00:11:29] I'm moving on and not going to think about this anymore.

[00:11:32] Another commenter says no.

[00:11:33] She was just continuing to be selfish because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable.

[00:11:38] This was the best outcome.

[00:11:40] The commenter says she apologized again and said it's better if we keep things the way they are.

[00:11:44] She ended the letter by saying she's happy and she doesn't want to drag out the past.

[00:11:48] And the last commenter quoted the part saying she apologized again and keeping things the way they are.

[00:11:53] And the commenter says after that saying it sounds like she's just as self-absorbed as ever.

[00:11:58] What a trashy woman.

[00:11:59] Oh that was annoying to say the least and incredibly sad for the OP.

[00:12:05] You know that she went no contact with him a decade ago.

[00:12:09] Comes charging back into OP's life.

[00:12:12] Dragging up the past which she's claiming she doesn't want to do in this next one.

[00:12:16] To go no contact with him once again.

[00:12:18] Deary deary me.

[00:12:19] Now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:12:22] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:12:25] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:12:28] Let's move on to another story.

[00:12:31] Now our next story comes from a throwaway account and says

[00:12:36] I 28 male know my girlfriend 28 female is not telling the truth about going to yoga classes.

[00:12:43] Sorry for the English.

[00:12:45] Not my first language.

[00:12:46] Okay.

[00:12:47] I'm hoping that someone will just tell me I'm stressing out about nothing.

[00:12:51] Short background story.

[00:12:53] Me 28 male living together with my girlfriend female 28 for about a year or so.

[00:12:58] Together for four.

[00:12:59] We both have a good relationship and nothing out of the ordinary.

[00:13:03] I work at a delivery company that does express deliveries all over the province I live in.

[00:13:08] Because we have express shifts we have to take the delivery van home every day.

[00:13:12] We can also use this van for private trips.

[00:13:15] The company sometimes has to deliver very expensive goods.

[00:13:19] Therefore the vans are equipped with a GPS tracker that can locate the van at any given time.

[00:13:24] A few months ago my girlfriend started taking yoga classes in the evening.

[00:13:28] So when we both got back from work we would eat and in case I was not on the express shift she could take the van to a yoga class.

[00:13:36] We live very close to a border.

[00:13:38] Europe has open borders.

[00:13:40] Yay!

[00:13:40] But we can only go to other countries with permission of the company.

[00:13:44] It's an insurance thing as far as I understand.

[00:13:46] Last week my supervisor told me that in nine cases my van was in the neighboring country in the evening without permission.

[00:13:54] This was very odd because she told me where she had the yoga classes and this was definitely not out of the country.

[00:14:00] I know I couldn't go out of the country so I'm sure I didn't.

[00:14:03] I didn't tell my supervisor about the yoga thing but I asked him for the exact location so I could take a look at it.

[00:14:10] What I found was all the nine times were exactly the nine times she had taken the van.

[00:14:16] Retracing WhatsApp times from the on my way to the time of departure are a match.

[00:14:21] I got home that day and decided I was not going to ask her up front.

[00:14:25] However I did ask her where she had the yoga classes and she said the same places last time.

[00:14:30] So she is basically denying that she was in another country.

[00:14:34] During the evening I made up a bullshit story that a co-worker got in trouble for driving over the border without permission.

[00:14:40] She seemed a bit shocked or somewhat but did not give any ordinary response or anything.

[00:14:45] The address I have is just a parking spot in some neighborhood.

[00:14:48] I drove there last night with my private car to see if I could find anything but it's just houses and a park.

[00:14:54] A quick google search shows no yoga things anywhere around.

[00:14:59] I could follow her the next time she has yoga class just to see where she is going and then confront her afterwards.

[00:15:05] Or should I just tell her right now?

[00:15:07] This is all really stressing me out at the moment.

[00:15:10] Any advice would be great.

[00:15:11] My straight up concern is that if you allow her to continue she's going to put your job at risk.

[00:15:17] You've already been pulled up for her driving outside the country which is I assume is invalidating your insurance on your van.

[00:15:23] Quite surprised that they allow her to drive it anyway to be fair but that's another story.

[00:15:27] But Martin says I'll just tell her.

[00:15:30] My boss just scolded me for having the van leave the country.

[00:15:32] I don't know where you're going or who you are seeing but I know that you're lying about the yoga class and that your actions may cause me to lose my job.

[00:15:40] I can't let you use the van anymore and I deserve to know who you've been visiting that needs you to park in a parking lot in X country.

[00:15:48] Here's why.

[00:15:49] She's lied.

[00:15:49] You can either drag this out and play games or confront her respectfully and give her a chance to tell you what's going on.

[00:15:56] Worst case scenario, she's cheating on you and willing to have you lose your job.

[00:16:00] Best case, she's lying about something else.

[00:16:04] Ark says stop playing detective and tell her you know she's been lying and you know where she's been going.

[00:16:09] Ask her to explain herself.

[00:16:11] Trust your gut and whether or not she's being honest with you.

[00:16:14] Don't wait and follow her.

[00:16:16] You've already caught her lying to you multiple times.

[00:16:18] You don't need more proof that she's untrustworthy.

[00:16:21] Kion replies that saying this is some quality advice.

[00:16:24] There is absolutely no reason for you to play detective for many reasons.

[00:16:28] And the main reason being is that it may hurt your relationship if her trips over the border turn out to be actually harmless.

[00:16:34] The thing is, if she's doing something that will harm your relationship massively, cheating for example, following her is not a bad idea.

[00:16:41] But if she is doing something harmless and you follow her there to confront her, you might unnecessarily harm the relationship.

[00:16:48] Don't stalk your girlfriend.

[00:16:50] Just confront her.

[00:16:51] After the comments, OP then edited their post and said,

[00:16:54] Holy shit, this exploded.

[00:16:56] I will check your answers ASAP.

[00:16:58] Edit 2, I'll give an update as soon as I've confronted her.

[00:17:01] This will only be possible on Friday.

[00:17:03] Night shifts, etc.

[00:17:04] I've read all your comments and I would like to highlight and clarify some of those.

[00:17:07] In my country, a car is either insured or it's not.

[00:17:10] Anyone can drive it as long as they're insurance on the car.

[00:17:13] There are a few scenarios which I can find in the comments.

[00:17:16] I know I'm hoping it's not cheating, but I think that is the most obvious.

[00:17:20] She has used some drugs in the past, recreational, but has not done this anymore for a long time.

[00:17:26] I would highly doubt she would hide it from me if she was using drugs since she told me about her drug past in the very beginning of the relationship and she is very open about it.

[00:17:34] She also doesn't look any different as normal.

[00:17:37] This also makes me think that smuggling across the border is highly unlikely.

[00:17:41] I know everybody is telling me not to be a detective, but I want to confront her face-to-face which is only possible on Friday.

[00:17:47] In the meantime, I've been doing some detective work to kill the time.

[00:17:51] What I've found out is that she has two girls in her Facebook friends list that live in this village where she's been going.

[00:17:58] I do not know them, nor has she ever spoken to me about them.

[00:18:01] I managed to pinpoint the exact address of one of these girls and they pretty much match with the location the GPS pointed out.

[00:18:08] Don't worry, I will not go there.

[00:18:10] I could just use this in case she would deny anything.

[00:18:13] I'll give you an update as soon as I've confronted her.

[00:18:17] So, a week later, Opie comes in to give us the update and says sorry for the late update, but I needed some time to think things through.

[00:18:25] She got home on Friday and I confronted her with the fact that the van had been abroad without permission and that it had to be her that was driving there.

[00:18:32] She straight up said she indeed went abroad, but she didn't know I could get in trouble for it.

[00:18:38] I asked her to explain why she was lying about going there.

[00:18:40] She decided to do yoga because she has had some back issues from her past.

[00:18:45] However, she knew a girl, the one abroad in her Facebook, that was all spiritual and could heal her by doing a few sessions at her home.

[00:18:53] She knows I think this is bullshit, so she decided to tell me that she was going for yoga classes, but instead went to the spiritual girl.

[00:19:01] I was kind of confused because I expected something entirely different to be going on.

[00:19:06] I was also having troubles believing her.

[00:19:08] She insisted I went with her on Saturday to see that nothing weird was going on.

[00:19:13] So I did.

[00:19:14] This girl did some weird meditation, drew some cards and did some other witchcraft shit.

[00:19:20] My girlfriend then had to pay 45 euros for this.

[00:19:23] I kept my cool, but to be honest, I'm pissed off at this girl.

[00:19:26] The only thing she does is sell hope to desperate people.

[00:19:30] People with real issues that need to get real medical attention.

[00:19:34] Our way home was pretty awkward.

[00:19:37] I didn't know what to say.

[00:19:39] We talked yesterday and I explained to her that I was angry because of the fact that she had to lie about something like this.

[00:19:44] She said she was afraid of my response and just wanted to see if this could help.

[00:19:48] I told her that she can do whatever she wants, except lie about it.

[00:19:52] She promised me she would never do this again.

[00:19:55] I'm still really confused about all this.

[00:19:57] I think she's wasting money and instead throwing it at some freaky witch girl,

[00:20:01] she could be investing in things that would actually improve her back.

[00:20:04] On the other hand, I'm glad she is not cheating.

[00:20:07] I was almost certain this had to be the case.

[00:20:11] Anyway, thanks for your responses.

[00:20:13] Great help.

[00:20:14] Quebec Quebec says,

[00:21:07] Don't tell me, show me says,

[00:21:08] Definitely not the usual conclusion to this sort of story.

[00:21:12] This is true, but certainly more hopeful than the usual conclusion.

[00:21:16] A bit of advice OP.

[00:21:17] If your girl is in pain, physical or otherwise, let her figure it out as she must.

[00:21:22] She's got junk to sort through.

[00:21:23] Long-term pain is never simple.

[00:21:25] And while you may not understand,

[00:21:27] while she feels she needs to follow a particular path,

[00:21:30] please respect it.

[00:21:31] She's probably tried many conventional solutions that failed her

[00:21:34] and may be highly discouraged.

[00:21:36] If she comes to hurt herself or others,

[00:21:39] obviously that is unacceptable,

[00:21:40] but chronic pain of any sort makes the sufferer question

[00:21:42] everything they had ever come to know about themselves and the world.

[00:21:46] There is a powerlessness to unpredictable or constant pain that is highly damaging.

[00:21:51] Let her talk when she wants to.

[00:21:52] Let her explore things that give her hope and make her feel powerful.

[00:21:56] Try to withhold judgment.

[00:21:57] This money could go towards something better

[00:21:59] until she has seen it through as she must and draws her own conclusions.

[00:22:03] Once she does, re-evaluate what you can live with

[00:22:06] and what is the divergence of values.

[00:22:08] You may come to find that there is ultimately no problem.

[00:22:11] Just the two cents of a former chronic sufferer who followed a similar path,

[00:22:16] came to recognize it for what it was and is doing much better now.

[00:22:19] Edit to add lots and lots of chronic pain warriors replying in the comments below.

[00:22:24] It's sobering to remember how many different ways a person can suffer.

[00:22:28] My heart goes out to you all.

[00:22:29] Hope you all might find peace and relief.

[00:22:33] Hope you says,

[00:22:34] I told her as well what she needs to do and what she thinks is best for her.

[00:22:38] Even though I might never choose this option.

[00:22:40] I was very confused when she told me,

[00:22:42] but this seems to put my mind at ease a bit more.

[00:22:45] Thanks.

[00:22:46] And lots of people on the back of this one saying,

[00:22:48] you know, the girlfriend shouldn't have lied in the end,

[00:22:50] but they can understand and have sympathy with the girlfriend,

[00:22:54] you know, just trying to get anything to make the pain go away,

[00:22:58] like chronic back pain.

[00:22:59] Now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:23:02] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:23:05] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:23:09] Now, just a huge thank you for being here today,

[00:23:11] getting involved in the stories.

[00:23:12] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:23:16] So thank you so, so much.

[00:23:18] And hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:23:21] Take care and much love.

[00:23:23] Bye.

[00:23:23] Bye.