MIL Invited My Husbands Ex For Dinner So I Threw Wine On Her r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:18] Now, today's first story comes from the Am I the Asshole here subreddit from NewAdeptness3296 and says, Am I the asshole for pouring wine on my husband's ex-girlfriend?

[00:00:31] A few days ago, I told my mother-in-law that I'd bring her grandkids, our gorgeous twins, five years old, to her house for dinner. It was a gesture of good faith as she and father-in-law had babysit for an entire weekend while hubby and I took some time to ourselves. Mother-in-law decided to make that dinner a grand occasion and invited the entire family over. Fine with me, the more the merrier. Except half an hour after we arrive, Joe walks in. The entirety of her back out, titty.

[00:01:01] Titty's popping and all. Now, Joe is my husband's ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be a favorite of mother-in-law and a longtime friend of hubby's family. I don't know why they didn't work out. Frankly, I don't care.

[00:01:16] Long story short, Joe does what she always does at these functions. Touch my husband inappropriately, whisper in his ear, try to eat off his plate, etc.

[00:01:26] She went as far as try to steal my seat next to him at the dinner table. Luckily, my sister-in-law, a literal saint, was able to stop her. Hubby is generally okay with putting his foot down. If she does anything truly egregious, he does put a stop to it.

[00:01:41] But to him, her touchy behavior and the way she tends to hover around him and try to get his attention don't fall in that category.

[00:01:49] I told myself to ignore her and not let her get to me. But she pulled me aside later that evening and said absolutely horrible things to me.

[00:01:57] Telling me that it was only a matter of time before my husband left me and that he was using me as a breeding plant, etc.

[00:02:04] Fun fact, I'm currently pregnant again and at that point, I'd had enough. So I dumped my drink on her and walked away.

[00:02:12] Joe absolutely lost it and walked out the house. Hubby's extended family generally has a good opinion of me, so no one thinks I did it on purpose.

[00:02:21] I did and I'll do it again, but my husband knows better. He pulled me to the side to confront me about it and was surprisingly angry.

[00:02:29] Did I make a bit of a scene? Sure, but his anger wasn't proportional to that at all.

[00:02:35] If you can't tell, Hubby is the type of person that doesn't like to make a scene, especially around his family.

[00:02:41] I complained about his proximity to Joe multiple times before all this went down.

[00:02:46] I've asked him to cut contact with her and basically just ignore her presence and he's refused on the basis that she's a family friend.

[00:02:53] Basically, he thought I was overreacting every time I'd bring her up, but I'm tired of being the bigger person.

[00:03:00] Why should I have to watch her throw herself at him and rise above?

[00:03:03] No, that wench got was coming to her and my actions were long overdue.

[00:03:08] We argued back and forth about it for a while before I eventually revealed what she had said to me at the dinner.

[00:03:14] He understood my anger at that point, but I don't think it should have even gotten that far for him to understand why I don't want her around.

[00:03:21] The fact that he'd trust the character of an ex over his wife of 10 plus years and the mother of his children is baffling and incredibly hurtful.

[00:03:30] I explained this to him and he adamantly disagrees and gives excuses.

[00:03:34] So now we're here.

[00:03:36] Hubby thinks I should have brought up what she said from the beginning.

[00:03:39] To me, this issue isn't what she said in and of itself, but her behavior as a whole.

[00:03:45] As a disclaimer, I know my husband is not cheating on me with this woman.

[00:03:49] We spend every waking second either together or with the kids.

[00:03:53] He wouldn't have time to.

[00:03:55] I trust him completely as well.

[00:03:57] It just bothers me how comfortable and desperate that woman is.

[00:04:00] Mother-in-law loves her and Joe can do no wrong in her eyes.

[00:04:03] So I suppose that's where she gets the confidence from.

[00:04:06] That aside, I don't understand why it allows her to come near him in the first place.

[00:04:10] Am I the arsehole?

[00:04:13] Edit, no.

[00:04:14] I was not drinking while pregnant.

[00:04:16] I have not told my husband's family that I am pregnant as we haven't passed the first trimester yet.

[00:04:21] Hubby had gotten me juice in a wine glass, but no one knew.

[00:04:25] The narrative became that I threw wine.

[00:04:28] Edit 2.

[00:04:29] Gotten a couple of people asking how taking the kids to dinner is a reward for mother-in-law.

[00:04:34] She had been asking us to come around for dinner for a while and is always asking us for an excuse to see our kids.

[00:04:39] We didn't live very close by anymore, so in-person visits are rare nowadays.

[00:04:44] She also really enjoys cooking for everyone and would do weekly dinners when hubby and I still lived in her area.

[00:04:49] My husband's family is Italian, if that gives any idea.

[00:04:53] I've got to be honest, I did think that myself at the very start when you did say that the reward for looking after your kids was like you're going to take your kids around there and they were going to make dinner for you.

[00:05:03] I was like, hold on a second.

[00:05:05] Maybe that's just me.

[00:05:07] And it just feels like it's one of those situations where your husband is also a problem in this situation.

[00:05:13] Absolutely, Joe is as well.

[00:05:15] And, you know, I didn't blame you for throwing the juice over her at that time.

[00:05:19] You got to the end of your tether.

[00:05:21] No one seems to be backing you up and enabling her to carry on doing this.

[00:05:25] So, you know, you just had enough of it.

[00:05:27] It would have been interesting to say in front of all the family what she said to you at that moment.

[00:05:32] Say, did you hear what she just said to me?

[00:05:35] She called me a breeding plant and that it was only a matter of time before husband leaves me.

[00:05:40] And then watch her reaction then.

[00:05:42] But, you know, the drink I have to do.

[00:05:44] But there's a lot of people that is a problem in this.

[00:05:47] Your husband, the ex, mother-in-law and other family members that continue to enable her behavior as well.

[00:05:53] But Careless Welder says, not the arsehole.

[00:05:55] Your husband may not be cheating but he sure likes the fucking attention she gives him.

[00:05:59] I hope you're well aware you have a husband problem.

[00:06:02] Mark your side says, not the arsehole.

[00:06:04] Your husband's ex is way out of line.

[00:06:06] You've been patient but you're not obligated to tolerate her disrespect.

[00:06:10] Your husband needs to understand that his loyalty should be with you, not his ex.

[00:06:15] Summer Star says she's disrespectful to you because they all allow it.

[00:06:19] Your reaction was long overdue and your husband has a big wake-up call coming.

[00:06:23] He needs to tell his parents that it's inappropriate to invite her over when you guys are there.

[00:06:29] You can't dictate that they never see her again but you shouldn't have to see her when visiting family.

[00:06:34] That's just inappropriate and rude.

[00:06:37] Tell them if she is there you will not be.

[00:06:39] Fuck them all for enabling her horrible behavior.

[00:06:42] Not the arsehole.

[00:06:44] Frosty Kiwi says Joe is over-familiar with your husband because he enables it.

[00:06:48] Despite putting a stop to it if she does anything truly egregious.

[00:06:52] So she has, more than once from the sound of it, done truly egregious stuff.

[00:06:56] How bad has that been?

[00:06:58] And you're meant to put up with her non-egregious inappropriate touching and generally usurping you.

[00:07:03] Right in front of your family.

[00:07:05] On the basis that she's done worse in the past and he doesn't want to seen.

[00:07:10] You don't have to be the bigger person.

[00:07:12] Or to keep the peace when she clearly has no respect for yours.

[00:07:15] You also don't have to tolerate being repeatedly humiliated in front of him and the rest of his family.

[00:07:21] She's willing to abuse her position as a family friend to undermine your place in it.

[00:07:25] He knows because you've told him how destructive this is.

[00:07:29] But it seems he keeps lifting the bar you have to reach to show him how bad it is for you.

[00:07:35] You and he have some choices to make.

[00:07:37] This sort of stuff is relationship cancer.

[00:07:40] And a final comment from Janet in Spain who says,

[00:07:43] And quotes, I'm tired of being the bigger person.

[00:07:46] And says, absolutely.

[00:07:47] Being the bigger person usually means taking abuse on the chin and smiling through it.

[00:07:52] Fuck that shit.

[00:07:54] I don't understand for one minute why she's still included in family gatherings after you and your husband have been married for over a decade.

[00:08:00] That's way too long to keep a friend around who has no ties at all.

[00:08:04] And who clearly shows her intentions every single time you're all together.

[00:08:08] Yes, you should have brought up what she said since he clearly and repeatedly sees no issue with her touchy-feely bullshit.

[00:08:15] Apparently it's going to take a slap upside the head for him to get his head out of his ass and see what is really going on.

[00:08:21] Namely, mother-in-law still wishes he was with Joe.

[00:08:24] Joe still hopes to make that a reality.

[00:08:27] He likes the attention he gets from Joe.

[00:08:30] He doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

[00:08:32] After 10 plus years, I'd be so beyond over it.

[00:08:36] It's way past time for Joe to be shunted off to the side.

[00:08:39] She's not family.

[00:08:40] She's not going to be family.

[00:08:42] She's acting like and being treated like family.

[00:08:45] This whole thing is messed up.

[00:08:47] Around three weeks or so later, Opie comes in with her first update and said,

[00:08:51] I wanted to post this in the relationship advice subreddit, but it got deleted, so I'm back here.

[00:08:56] This really is not an am I the arsehole post.

[00:08:58] I'm desperate for advice and ways to fix this once and for all, if you have any.

[00:09:03] There is a bit of backstory to this situation.

[00:09:06] A lot of this covered in previous posts of mine to this sub,

[00:09:09] although I think that post is quite funny as I read it back.

[00:09:12] I'll sum it up for you if you don't feel like going back to read.

[00:09:15] Then we'll skip the summary because we've already covered that.

[00:09:18] And then Opie continues saying,

[00:09:19] I ended up showing Hubby the comments and PMs I got from a post a couple of days after,

[00:09:24] which were largely against him.

[00:09:26] I didn't anticipate it swaying his opinion much, and it didn't.

[00:09:30] In fact, it made the situation worse.

[00:09:33] He didn't like the overwhelming majority of comments claiming that he liked the attention

[00:09:37] and thought I embellished details about Joanna's behavior in the post.

[00:09:41] I did not, and in many cases I downplayed just how crazy some of her actions were.

[00:09:46] I asked him if his mum even liked me, and he didn't even respond to the question.

[00:09:52] He looked at me and we sat in silence for a full fucking minute.

[00:09:56] Many people under my previous post said I was crazy if I thought mother-in-law would invite

[00:10:00] Hubby's ex to dinner with his wife and kids there, as a show of respect and goodwill.

[00:10:05] Call me crazy.

[00:10:07] But I bought into the whole, she's a family friend crap and continually let it slide.

[00:10:12] I cried non-stop for days after our conversation.

[00:10:16] Maybe I'm an idiot and I should have seen the signs,

[00:10:18] but I genuinely thought me and mother-in-law had a decent relationship.

[00:10:22] Especially now that I have the twins.

[00:10:24] There was some stuff that happened early on in Hubby and I's relationship that caused some discord.

[00:10:29] But I thought we moved past it all.

[00:10:31] Clearly not.

[00:10:32] I think it's much more likely that she likes her grandkids and just tolerates the vesicle that produced them.

[00:10:38] Hubby and I stood at somewhat of an impasse for a week after.

[00:10:41] I'm very loving by nature, but I just about had it with this situation, so I was irritable, quiet, just a complete 180 from my usual self.

[00:10:51] We talked again and he said he'd try to be more assertive with Joe.

[00:10:55] I told him there'd be no need, since I had no plans on going to his mother's house anymore.

[00:11:00] Me not going means the twins can't either, since he can't very well be expected to entertain his family,

[00:11:06] and look after the children he helped create.

[00:11:08] Note the sarcasm.

[00:11:10] Though that does work in my favor.

[00:11:12] His mother-in-law loves the twins and he apparently cannot stand to disappoint her.

[00:11:17] Impasse continued.

[00:11:19] I've had a few complications with my pregnancy since then.

[00:11:22] Baby and I are okay.

[00:11:24] Nothing too worrisome.

[00:11:25] And there's been so many other things happening in our lives that the frigid air between us has slowly started to melt.

[00:11:31] We've not resolved a situation at all.

[00:11:33] Just glossed over it in favor of more pressing matters.

[00:11:36] I really do need him right now and I'm not necessarily mad that things are starting to go back to normal.

[00:11:42] I just know that it's going to become a thing next time his mum throws an event.

[00:11:47] I will convince myself that this time around will be fine.

[00:11:50] And it won't, because it is never fine.

[00:11:53] But I'm unsure how to bring up the issue again without seeming like dragging up the past.

[00:11:58] It truly does drive me crazy.

[00:12:00] Even more so now that I realize mother-in-law's kindness isn't fully genuine.

[00:12:04] Is there any advice on bringing this up carefully?

[00:12:07] I'm resolving the issue once and for all.

[00:12:10] I'm at my wits end because I adore this man in every other aspect.

[00:12:13] But I can't keep putting up with this.

[00:12:16] Shortly after, OP comes up with another update and says,

[00:12:49] That was the general idea.

[00:12:51] Anyway, I treated it like a joke because he did.

[00:12:54] As time progressed, it felt less and less like a joke and more like the startling truth.

[00:12:59] I finally got to meet mother-in-law and father-in-law a few months down the line.

[00:13:03] And the welcome?

[00:13:05] Underwhelming to say the least.

[00:13:07] But I figured it was me just having weird expectations.

[00:13:10] His family's Italian, so I'd done a little crappy research on what to expect.

[00:13:15] In addition to asking him about his family, I thought they'd be a little warmer,

[00:13:19] but they were not downright rude to me, so it was still a win in my book.

[00:13:23] As time passes, I tried to warm up to mother-in-law.

[00:13:26] But nothing worked.

[00:13:27] Her indifference slowly turned into thinly veiled disdain.

[00:13:31] For one of father-in-law's birthdays, I got him a handmade, expensive as fuck.

[00:13:35] I still think about that goddamn wallet that enrages me.

[00:13:39] Italian leather wallet with husband's, boyfriend at the time, approval.

[00:13:44] Turns out Italians have a superstition against gifting empty wallets,

[00:13:48] which made the gift a bit awkward.

[00:13:50] But father-in-law didn't make a big deal and

[00:13:52] even gave me a coin to turn it into a purchase instead of a gift.

[00:13:57] We laughed and I thought things were fine.

[00:13:59] Until I found the wallet tucked away in my husband's apartment a month later.

[00:14:03] I found out from him that mother-in-law apparently said that she got father-in-law a better one,

[00:14:07] so mine wasn't needed anymore.

[00:14:10] When that happened and why no one bothered to tell me, I don't know.

[00:14:14] Oh, and father-in-law fell ill shortly afterwards, which I'm pretty sure she blamed on me too.

[00:14:19] Mother-in-law speaks fluent English, but for the first couple of months of knowing her,

[00:14:24] I was led to believe she only spoke Italian, because that's all she would speak around me.

[00:14:29] Granted, I could have asked husband about her level of English, but it didn't occur to me.

[00:14:34] I assumed one would speak English around company that didn't speak their native language,

[00:14:38] if they had the ability to.

[00:14:40] Imagine my shock hearing him speak fluent English for the first time.

[00:14:44] Not to me, can't remember the context, but still, what the fuck?

[00:14:48] And don't get me started on wedding planning.

[00:14:50] An absolute nightmare.

[00:14:52] Mother-in-law nitpicked everything.

[00:14:54] We had a smaller budget, largely due to me, and she made sure I felt lesser for it.

[00:15:00] She had mentioned wanting to be involved, and she and father-in-law were footing most of the cost,

[00:15:04] so I said yes.

[00:15:06] My bridesmaids helped deal with her, but eventually,

[00:15:09] I cut her out of the planning entirely, because having her around was starting to suck the life out of me.

[00:15:14] She also made a big deal about my parents not attending or paying for a portion of the wedding.

[00:15:18] My family and I were completely estranged at the time, and she didn't quite seem to like that either.

[00:15:23] She had rant in Italian, and while I didn't understand much, I knew she was shit-talking me.

[00:15:29] Oh, and she's a classic mama's boy enabler.

[00:15:32] They infantilized husband growing up, and there was a time where we couldn't buy groceries without her input.

[00:15:38] He's her golden boy.

[00:15:39] I've heard her refer to him as her miracle child.

[00:15:42] She has not had difficulty conceiving that I know of, but he is the only boy she gave birth to.

[00:15:47] When friction would rise between mother-in-law and I, he tried to keep the peace, but still took her side in many situations.

[00:15:55] He only stood firm when she insulted my upbringing or tried to make me feel unworthy of marrying husband.

[00:16:01] Both things I appreciated immensely, because those are sore subjects, but I wish he'd done more at times.

[00:16:07] He isn't blameless in this either, but this post isn't really about him.

[00:16:12] Suffice to say, I have many a story of how shitty and cold mother-in-law would be towards me.

[00:16:17] But then I got pregnant, and her attitude did a complete 180.

[00:16:21] Suddenly, she was offering to babysit, cook meals, knit clothes, etc.

[00:16:26] She even kissed me on both cheeks when she came to see us after labor.

[00:16:29] This woman had never voluntarily touched me before this point, I don't think.

[00:16:34] We started cooking together and she taught me family recipes and some niche Italian phrases commonly used in the village their family is from.

[00:16:43] Dare I say, we bonded.

[00:16:45] I thought we'd finally gotten past whatever the initial problem was.

[00:16:50] Maybe having kids with a son was enough to prove that I was here to stay, so she decided to warm up to me.

[00:16:55] I don't know.

[00:16:57] I had no close maternal figures in my life.

[00:16:59] No contact with my narcissistic mom since college and hardly any contact with my grandmothers.

[00:17:05] So this felt incredibly cathartic.

[00:17:08] I wasn't racing to tell her my secrets or confide in her, but toying with the idea that we might be able to build up to that point made me happy.

[00:17:16] I had postpartum depression after the twins, and having her around to help was a godsend.

[00:17:21] I was hesitant at first, but she proved herself to be beyond trustworthy.

[00:17:25] My husband and I were absolutely exhausted.

[00:17:28] I loved my gorgeous girls, but two kids at once made me the bitchiest I've ever been.

[00:17:33] My stress levels were through the roof between feeding, nursing, changing, burping, soothing, etc.

[00:17:40] My husband was equally exhausted, and just when we would feel hopeless, mother-in-law would offer to come over, let us sleep, eat, go out, just do whatever we needed to recharge.

[00:17:50] We would talk, usually about the kids, but I just felt excited that she wanted to hold conversation with me.

[00:17:57] In the past, she hadn't bothered.

[00:17:59] If she called, it was her son's phone, and they'd speak, and then she'd hang up.

[00:18:03] But suddenly, she was speaking to me as well.

[00:18:06] There was something extremely validating about it all, and I was happy to put the past to bed in favor for this new change.

[00:18:12] But recently, through a situation that is related but not the focus of this post, I realized she never respected me or my relationship with her son.

[00:18:22] For the past decade, mother-in-law has been inviting my husband's ex to family gatherings and turning a blind eye to her blatant advances on him.

[00:18:30] She was introduced as a family friend, so I thought nothing of it initially.

[00:18:33] Plus, as mother-in-law's and I's relationship improved, I assumed any malice she showed towards me would naturally fade.

[00:18:41] She'd been inviting husband's ex to family events prior to me giving birth and continued to do so well after.

[00:18:47] I don't know why, but I made the dumb assumption that because it continued, it couldn't have been in bad taste.

[00:18:53] But it got on past our bad blood after all, so if she was still inviting husband's ex, it couldn't have been with bad intent.

[00:19:01] Also went my idiotic logic.

[00:19:04] But after posting about my situation, I realized that I was so horribly naive about everything.

[00:19:09] And a few weeks ago, I came across a post of a man disparaging his mom for treating her daughter-in-law like shit,

[00:19:15] then switching up when she gave birth to her grandchildren.

[00:19:19] And then it clicked.

[00:19:20] That's exactly what happened to me.

[00:19:23] Mother-in-law's kindness truly may never have been genuine towards me.

[00:19:26] Rather, her love for her grandchildren outweighed any disdain she held towards me.

[00:19:31] She wasn't warming up to me at all.

[00:19:33] She was tolerating my presence to have access to my kids.

[00:19:36] Reddit really is an eye-opening place.

[00:19:39] Needless to say, I feel absolutely crushed.

[00:19:42] Everything else aside, I truly thought my mother-in-law was in my corner.

[00:19:45] The past five years felt so healing because of our relationship.

[00:19:50] I've never had a sustained, genuine relationship with an older woman before this.

[00:19:54] And finding out it was all fake is numbing in ways I can't explain.

[00:19:58] I feel so fucking stupid, which is saying quite a bit considering I didn't think feeling like more of an idiot was possible for me right now.

[00:20:05] I just wonder how starved for attention I must be to have missed such clear signs.

[00:20:11] Grieving a relationship that only existed on my end is fucking hard.

[00:20:14] And coming to terms with my own lack of awareness and disillusionment has been a battle.

[00:20:20] Among several others, I just feel like I'm fucking losing.

[00:20:23] I feel a bit pathetic, all things considered.

[00:20:26] Because how did I not realize?

[00:20:28] And how all these thoughts flood my mind of what she'd been telling my children when she's with them.

[00:20:33] Whether or not extended family is in on it as well, I've been a mess.

[00:20:37] God, I feel sick.

[00:20:39] There's certainly many layers to the situation, but this one hurts more than I thought it would.

[00:20:44] I'm going to stop here because I've already ridden Ample, but I am more than going through it.

[00:20:50] Oh man, that is just incredibly sad.

[00:20:52] And I'm so sorry that you're going through it.

[00:20:55] And I can, don't feel stupid because I totally understand where you're coming from.

[00:20:59] You know, you gave us a hint of your background and your family life growing up.

[00:21:04] So I totally understand why you would have this attachment to mother-in-law.

[00:21:07] And she showed you a little something that you might have been craving as you've been growing up.

[00:21:12] I think that's totally normal to want that.

[00:21:15] But for it to be sort of like a veil, as you said, it's just incredibly shitty.

[00:21:20] But also you've got a huge husband problem in this situation as well.

[00:21:25] And the fact that he doesn't prioritize you.

[00:21:28] He doesn't really seem to care about your well-being and how you're feeling.

[00:21:32] Your feelings are very valid in this situation.

[00:21:35] I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate everything that's going on right here.

[00:21:40] But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:43] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:46] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:49] And just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:21:53] Your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:57] So thank you so, so much for being involved.

[00:21:59] Truly, it means the absolute world.

[00:22:01] And I will see you in the next one.

[00:22:04] Take care and much love.