I've Put Our Marriage On Hold After Fiance Volunteers Me To Help His Family r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story is titled, Am I the arsehole here for not helping my boyfriend's family after he voluntold me.

[00:00:27] I am 25 female and my boyfriend is 26 male. He had a mother and three sisters. Their father died when they were all pretty young and honestly, none of them have really learned how to be independent. My dad raised me to be pretty independent. He told me to never depend on a man and I don't. My dad owned a construction company and he was one of the most talented woodworkers I've ever met.

[00:00:52] He taught me how to do a lot. I can work on cars within reason, cook, build furniture, lay tiles and do most home improvement type stuff. And honestly, if I don't know how to do something, I'm pretty good at YouTubing it and asking whoever I need to for pointers. My boyfriend and I live in a house that I solely own and I made the house into what my boyfriend and I need. We're getting ready to get married and maybe adopt a few children.

[00:01:18] His sisters are all kind of helpless. I admittedly don't really like any of them. His older sister has been dating this slimy guy and they have four kids together. He binge drinks a lot and doesn't really do anything. He gets a disability check from pretending to be schizophrenic.

[00:01:36] Their trailer is falling apart and their water isn't coming on. She cried to my boyfriend and asked him to get me to come get their water working again and fix some stuff. She said she can't afford to pay anyone. He said sure and casually told me. I told him no, definitely don't want to go and do that in my free time. He's upset because he doesn't want to go back on his word to his sister. I suggested one of them can figure it out or he can pay someone to do it. We have separate finances.

[00:02:06] His other sister started redoing her kitchen last month. She thought it would be easy. Halfway through gutting everything, she realized that she was in way over her head. Her boyfriend also broke up with her and she had no one to help. He was the only one mainly directing things. She asked my boyfriend to ask me to come help. He told her I would. I said no. Same problem.

[00:02:30] We're having a fight right now. He thinks I am not being a team player for his family. I told him that I don't ask his family for anything ever and it's not my fault that they choose to put themselves in bad spots and expect to be bailed out. It would be reasonable if they were sick and I brought them a meal or if we watched the kids while someone was in the hospital. You know, normal family stuff. I don't think wanting me to go do real labor and spend my entire weekend on projects because of their fuck ups is reasonable.

[00:03:00] At the end, I told him if he isn't okay with this boundary I'm setting then we have no business getting married and the ball is in his court. He had apologized and let it go. But I can still tell that he's fuming. Am I the asshole here? Absolutely not the asshole. You know, he simply shouldn't be volunteering your time. You know, if he asked you could you do that then fair enough. You get the choice to tell him no straight away.

[00:03:27] But telling people, promising your time to other people like that, like replacing kitchens, which could be up to a week's worth of work anyway, is absolute madness and just a total lack of respect in my opinion. But Flo Mojo Blow says not the asshole. If he had asked you first and then you declined, that's one thing. But for him to commit you without asking is wrong. They can figure their own problems out. Where's Waldo replies that's in exactly this.

[00:03:53] My husband very kindly helps my parents with small electrical work periodically, replacing outlets, fixtures, etc. The difference is they ask and he has the option. If they ask me, I tell them I'll ask him. I would never presume to answer for his time. He's being wildly inconsiderate by volunteering her time without her input. It's okay to ask. It's not okay to make plans with other people's time without their input.

[00:04:18] Hollow Rift says not the asshole, but I think a depot convo here would help. Tell him that this isn't a way to get help on something. The right way for him to have done in both situations is to say, Yeah, I can see you have some challenges. Let me talk to my fiance and see if she has any suggestions. That's a soft way of saying maybe. Reality of it is, neither of you should be volunteering one another without talking to each other first. Privately, not on the spot. You use boyfriend quite a bit in your post.

[00:04:49] Given you bring so much to the table, wealth and skill, you need to rethink about a prenup. Opie says yes, we do have a prenup. Have premarital assets and inheritance. My earning potential is also higher. He makes decent money though. Ultimately, he was fine with a prenup and we already got it sorted out with two layers. Masterpiece OK says not the asshole and this shouldn't even be an issue. It should be common sense for your SO to not promise your help without asking. That's basic respect.

[00:05:19] Is this his only red flag? Opie says yes. He's a really great boyfriend otherwise. I think due to his dad dying, he kind of has a weak spot for his mom and sisters. He is by no means overly involved with their lives normally. But he doesn't want them to struggle if that makes sense. Opie adds another comment and says, To be honest, I think he should just pay someone to go and fix both problems. He can afford to do so and he could just make it their early Christmas present. But he didn't like this idea. So he's going to try and fix his sister's water this weekend.

[00:05:49] He's going to realize the hard way that there's a reason I don't want to do these things. Ultimately, I think it'd be good for him to learn this lesson firsthand. So then Opie came in with her update and said, You asked for an update and you got one. If you had read my last post, you'll know that I refused to help my boyfriend's family with her home repairs and renovations. My boyfriend was moderately unhappy. His take was, if we're going to get married one day, his family will become my family and we should all do our best to help each other.

[00:06:18] We had a frank conversation. I explained that I feel his sisters are kind of needy and expect help. Meanwhile, they never offer any help, nor do they have any real useful skills that I need them for, to be honest. I made it clear that he's welcome to use his time, effort and money to help them as he pleases, but to leave me out of it going forward. He agreed. Today, he went over there to try and help his sister fix her plumbing in their trailer. He went over there and they spent six hours trying to fix it.

[00:06:47] It ended with a broken pipe and sewage and water flooding underneath badly. He called an emergency plumber who said that pretty much all the plumbing in the trailer needs to be redone because it's so old. He quoted them 6K to fix it all. When the plumber left, him and his sister ended up getting in a screaming match in front of the kids. She insisted that if I came last week, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Which doesn't even make sense, honestly. But she's a moron.

[00:07:15] She insisted that him and I come fix it all for free. He told her off for always being a burden on everyone and making her problems everyone else's. She got super offended and told him to leave since he thinks he's so much better than her and her kids. The kids were all crying and it was a mess. Both sister-in-laws have been blowing up his phone and my phone. We've ignored them. He cried. He's just been exhausted.

[00:07:40] He opened up that he feels bad because he promised his dad when he was a kid, right before his dad died, that he would take care of everything. Personally, I don't think it was fair of his dad to make a six-year-old boy make that kind of promise. It's put so much weight on his shoulders over the years. My boyfriend has stated that it's time to let them sink or swim with everything. He's just so tired. We're going to take a break from talking to all of them. If and when we get involved with them, there will be crystal clear boundaries.

[00:08:09] And he's agreed on this. So yeah, that's all I've got for right now. Not sure if it's a happy ending, but that's where we are in life. For those of you who suggested that I leave my boyfriend, I hope you don't end your relationships over every minor disagreement. Because that will lead to a lonely life. He's not going to put his sisters first for the rest of his life. But things are complicated. I'm willing to stand by him while we deal with things. A couple of additional comments from the OP. They said,

[00:08:50] OP mentioned one more thing about they all have entry level jobs with little to no money. And have no educational skills. And that her partner's doing better for himself. And they're just dragging him down, basically. But whilst I absolutely don't agree with the way he was going about things, you know, volunteering OP. OP's still not an arsehole in any way, shape or form. But I can see why the pressure was on his shoulders, I think. Especially, you know, after he made a promise as a young child.

[00:09:19] It did make me feel pretty sad for him that, you know, this kind of pressure's on his shoulders. Like I said, it's no fault of OP. But for him having to deal with that. And especially with the way it sounds like they treat him at the same time. Which doesn't sound very good. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Our next story is titled, Am I the Arsehole Here? Forgetting an apartment and not telling my husband.

[00:09:48] I'm moving out. This is a throwaway account so he doesn't find it. We've been married for a year and a half. Before we got married, he caught me texting my ex. I immediately cut ties with my ex. But since then, my husband is obsessed with my ex. For two years, he says things like, Why didn't you call your ex and see if he'll come help you? Maybe your ex will take you back since you won't take the trash out. I get it. I broke his trust and I deserve the treatment he's been giving me.

[00:10:17] In the last six months, he's gotten so much worse. He has threatened to call the cops and have me arrested because I pushed him back after throwing items that belonged to my children. And said I assaulted him. I know what I did was wrong. I spent over two years dealing with it and trying to make it up for being unfaithful. At what point is enough though? Do I deserve to be belittled in front of my kids? Do I deserve to be told that I'm the reason I can't hang out with my friends because they may allow me to go be with another man?

[00:10:48] I've lost all my individualism because I was texting my ex only a couple of months after we broke up. And I was still getting items from his house. I know I'm the asshole when it comes to the beginning and texting my ex. But after two years, is there still no trust? Should I stay or go? I started looking for an apartment and got one first try. Won't be ready for another month and at which time I need to pay rent and a security deposit. So I've been putting all my money aside to pay for it.

[00:11:16] I asked my husband three weeks ago why he married me. He responded with repeating the question and asking me. Which I had written down so I could hand it to him. I said I asked first. In which he replied, because I love you. I said, but why? Nothing. He stopped talking about it and nagged me for not taking the trash out after making dinner and doing dishes. I feel more like a slave than a spouse most days. I finally gave him the piece of paper with the reasons I married him.

[00:11:46] Which most of these are now the reason I want to divorce him. I don't feel safe or confident in sharing anything with him because he tells his friends. Like I told him I tried butt stuff once because it was a conversation. I said I don't want to ever do it again. But because I did it, I was able to find out a medical thing I was having and had surgery. About a month later, we're in the bar and he told his friends and I was the butt of the joke all night.

[00:12:13] I mentioned it to him and how it made me feel. And said that I deserved it because I was talking to my ex behind his back. Every once in a while, it is brought up. Even my birthday last year, I got a butt plug as a joke. He never responded to the paper. He read it and said thanks. It's been three days and I'm boiling inside because even after being vulnerable and allowing myself to let him know, he still, aside from saying I love you, have any reason why to be married to me.

[00:12:43] Love isn't enough at this point. I'm done being his punching bag and him always saying I deserve it after two years. Should I tell him I'm moving out in a month? Or just tell him after I get the keys? Am I the arsehole here? Edits, I've known my husband for six years prior to being married. I was talking to my ex about getting items from his house, how the phone bill was going to work, getting utilities out of my name, getting the lease out of my name. My husband asked me not to talk to him and I was.

[00:13:12] So I lied about being in communication with him. He thought my friend was talking to him for me. I was not dating my husband before I moved out. My ex and I had been broken up but living together for three months prior to me leaving also. What? That didn't sound like you was cheating or there was any infidelity whatsoever. It sounded like you was trying to transition out of a relationship as smoothly as possible, dealing with, you know, all the stuff that needs to be dealt with when you end a relationship that's gone to a certain point,

[00:13:40] such as bills that's in your name and all that kind of stuff. And this guy just sounds abusive. He's trying to purposely put you down to keep you down there so you think you don't deserve better when you simply do. A Quiet Village says wait till you move in, get a storage unit and move stuff slowly. On the day of the move in, do it while he's at work and have a mover come help you. Tell the landlord if you're on a lease. Good riddance. Short Classroom says from personal experience I didn't say a single damn word.

[00:14:10] He left on a business trip and when he came back I was moved out and he had no idea where I was. He just got divorce papers left on the kitchen counter. It's safer to just get out and tell them after you're gone. Jericho Hill says you didn't cheat or try to cheat. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is a very jealous man. I think you should move out as quickly and quietly as possible. Do not give your new address to anyone unless absolutely necessary. I think you're in danger here.

[00:14:38] The fact that he tried to ban you from talking to your ex in order to complete the dissolution of your relationship was your first red flag. I bet there's more you've not seen, if you think back. Not the arsehole. Superficial Baby says definitely not the arsehole here. Your husband's behavior is toxic and emotionally abusive. You deserve better and it's great that you are taking steps to leave. You should not have to constantly be reminded of your past mistake and be made to feel less than.

[00:15:06] It's important to prioritize your safety and well-being and leaving this relationship is the best decision for you. You don't owe him an explanation or a warning. Just make sure you have a safe way to leave and don't look back. Good luck. And one more comment from the MCP who says do not have the conversation with him. Not now. Not a month from now. Not ever. Just leave and file for divorce. Don't tell him where your new home is.

[00:15:30] If you have to ask for child support, get your lawyer to do so through the court so he sends the money to the court and the court sends it to you so he doesn't have to get your address. This is a normal arrangement. Courts usually want it so they know the support is getting paid. If you feel unsafe with him, which your text implies you do, you want to have as little to do with him as possible. Op came in with an update and says I want to start off by saying I did not have an emotional affair, sexual affair or any kind of an affair with my ex after moving out.

[00:15:59] Just finalizing all the breakup stuff from living together. Here we are. A little over a month and I've been in my apartment for almost a month now. It's got harder to continue biting my tongue knowing I was going to leave. It wasn't supposed to be ready till the beginning of November but they finished it earlier. The week before I got the keys, we had a blowout over getting fast food for our hungry children after a sporting event. They got their food and went home. His daughter had went back to her mother and I have my children more than he does.

[00:16:29] By about 17 days a month. The following weekday, he took the day off without my knowledge and brought home an old car that he just had to buy. He wasn't home when we'd gotten home. He was at the bar and I was stunned he went without me and when I have my children. His thing was always never to go to the bar without each other. Apparently it was only me not allowed to go without him. We got onto an argument over how he couldn't buy fast food for our kids but he has no problem going out and buying a car without consulting me.

[00:16:59] How he went to the bar and if I had done that, I would have gotten in trouble by him and consequences to me going. He went on telling me how it is different because I have responsibilities and his doesn't live with us. So I said I'm leaving. I can't handle this anymore. And how is it okay for you to do A, B and C and I can't go anywhere. I don't think he thought I was serious. Even after bringing home boxes and having my children pack their stuff.

[00:17:25] I pulled into the driveway with 7 people and a U-Haul and we loaded all my belongings and my children's and I moved. Helped pack it up. But didn't come over to my new place until he decided to surrender our dog to me as he doesn't have the time for him. We agreed to continue to date. We went out for my birthday but I said I wanted to take separate vehicles. He wasn't happy about that but I'm glad I did. One of my friends came and all his did.

[00:17:52] They wouldn't talk to me, acknowledge me and they did a birthday shot and wished me a happy birthday while I was in the bathroom. And didn't even have an extra for me. So I left with my girlfriend and her husband. I didn't say bye to anyone. And the fight ended up breaking out because I didn't say bye to my friends. And said bye to a few others. Husband accused me of meeting up with another man because I was definitely not going to his place. When I explained to him how I was treated including how he treated me.

[00:18:19] He responded with, nobody knew how to act about our situation. I asked him if he told them the truth about how I moved out because of the way he treated myself, my children and that I had enough of trying to talk to you and you not taking accountability for anything. He said if I acted like the other wives and been seen and not heard that maybe they would have talked to me. Here say if you are married to someone who doesn't allow you to be yourself, leave. We've been amicable.

[00:18:47] Agreed on what he is keeping and what I am keeping. He just wanted us off his health insurance. I've been better, more relaxed and my children are happier. I'm more confident in my position at work that I've been so doubtful on since I was promoted. I haven't felt like I'm in survival mode anymore. I'm living again. Broke because starting over and buying things over again has really sucked. I've been reconnecting with friends that I haven't seen or spoken to since we married.

[00:19:12] I'm crocheting, reading, having conversations with my children that he didn't feel comfortable talking about when we lived with him. I've found me again. The few interactions we've had is accusing me of leaving for another man. He's driven by my new place and I have it all on surveillance in case he wants to be a jerk. A friend of mine that I've known since elementary school asked me what we had in common and what made me want to marry him. The more I sat there and thought because I couldn't think of anything other than my family,

[00:19:41] thought this is what I needed and whom I needed to marry and be with. He's been at the bar almost daily because I get text messages from people who see him or I get drunk texts from him trying to start an argument. I spoke with his ex-wife because I was wondering how his child is doing with everything going on. She expressed that they are happier, that they aren't forced to spend time with their dad anymore. She said the situation sucks and she wished he'd changed from when they were married. I asked her what she meant.

[00:20:09] She proceeded to tell me that her children were never good enough and he nitpicked them. She said she couldn't chew gum because there would be consequences if she did. He accused her of having an affair with every person she came into contact with. I just sat there in awe. She asked how my children were doing with her change and I expressed their change in behavior and the activities they loved doing. They are doing them again unapologetically. It was refreshing to know that 10 years ago she made the same decision I had made today.

[00:20:39] I can't wait until the divorce is final and I'm free. I had to live paycheck to paycheck before I would ever go back. When OP said that they continued to date in the update I was like oh no. I guess the one slim positive out of that is that he got to show what an arsehole he truly is and continued to be so. To double down if you like. So hopefully OP won't go back to that situation. And it says by the way she said at the end that she'd live paycheck to paycheck before she would ever go back to him.

[00:21:09] Hopefully means that she's not ever going to go back to him because he sounds unhinged. I think OP does need to protect themselves like driving past your house. That's some you know the stuff that you kind of see in those Netflix documentaries right. But what do you guys make of this situation. Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories. Your love your support your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:37] So thank you so so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love. Take care.