I've Been Keeping A Secret From My Friend About Her Husband r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting our like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:18] Now today's first story comes from EthicalConundrum85 from our very own subreddit r slash Mark Narrations. Get involved over there if you wish to do so. And it's titled, I, 38 Female, Have Been Keeping A Secret From My 43 Female Friend slash Coworker About Her 42 Male Husband. And it's tearing me apart. How do I navigate this without destroying lives?

[00:00:43] Hello reddits, this has been weighing on my conscience for over a year now. And I'm honestly not sure how to handle it. It's long, so settle in, grab a tea, coffee, whiskey and enjoy my mental anguish.

[00:00:58] I, 38 Female, met my friend Dave, 42 Male, about four years ago in an online gaming forum. During the entire time we talked, I became friends with wife Brenda, 43 Female, and he became friends with my fiancee, Mikkel, 38 Male.

[00:01:14] I live by the rule in a relationship that if there is a conversation that I wouldn't feel comfortable showing my significant other, then I don't need to be having that conversation. At no point did Dave ever cross a line with me, nor was there ever inappropriate conversation. This is important.

[00:01:31] About a year and a half ago, summertime, Mikkel got a big promotion and we hosted a fun weekend long celebration at our home. We invited Dave and Brenda, who live five hours from us, and this was the first time we actually met them in person. I instantly connected with Brenda, as she was so authentic and sweet. We all got along well and even started talking about doing future get-togethers and vacations. It seemed perfect.

[00:01:58] At this time, my company was doing major layoffs and I was looking for a new career. Brenda has worked at a remote company for over a decade and recommended I apply. After a few intense interviews, I was hired. Quick side note, Dave had been injured in a work-related accident that had gone to court. He sued and won. He was permanently disabled because of the accident and can no longer work at his profession.

[00:02:25] That along with a large life insurance policy from his parents, he is financially set for life. He stays home and raises their daughter, Leah, five, while Brenda does her remote work from the house as well. So a little over a year ago, during the fall, a few months after the celebration weekend, Dave and Brenda were getting ready to take their daughter, Leah, on a vacation.

[00:02:48] Before they left for the airport, Dave said he needed to talk to me. It was urgent. So I stepped away to take the call. Dave then told me he had literally nobody else to talk to this about and was deeply depressed and needed to confide in me as a friend. I really wish he hadn't. He told me that the night before, he'd gotten into a huge fight with who he calls his best friend, Rachel, 41 female.

[00:03:16] I'd heard about Rachel but never met her and didn't know too much about her to be honest. What I did know, Dave, Brenda and Rachel had been friends in college. Approximately 20 year long friendship. She'd visited at Dave and Brenda's house several times over the years and that Rachel allegedly had been in a string of bad relationships of which Dave had to bail her out of financially a few times. That's about it. Here comes the information that I wish Dave hadn't told me.

[00:03:45] Has it completely changed how I view my friend? Dave told me that Rachel confessed to him the night before that she knew he was attracted to her. Yes, she is gorgeous. Dave said he has always been attracted to her physically, but mentally her personality, specifically her shallowness, was a huge turn off for him. Some unkind things were said about Brenda letting herself go since having Leah, which disgusted me.

[00:04:12] He then said Rachel confessed that she is frustrated with her never-ending chain of bad relationships and wants to finally settle down. She knows he is wealthy and can give her the life she feels she deserves. She wants him to leave Brenda and Leah, move to Rachel's city, buy her a large house and let her be his trophy wife. I choked back a laugh at this because I literally thought it was a joke. Seriously. She admits to not being physically attracted to him.

[00:04:40] Okay, who says things like that, but knows she can satisfy him and he can give her the lifestyle she deserves. She just demands that he has to completely cut off the life he has now, including all the friends and family and be with her. What is worse, Rachel has been planning this for literally years. Sitting in their home, eating their food, drinking their wine, holding Leah, laughing with Brenda, all while planning this. I was floored.

[00:05:10] I asked what Brenda thought of all this. He said he didn't tell her. I asked him how Rachel took it when he told her to F off. He said he didn't. He doesn't want to lose her as a friend and he even considered her proposition. I felt sick. I told him I was shocked and to me, even if he decides not to take Rachel up on it, this is a betrayal to Brenda.

[00:05:34] Dave explained that while his and my conversation consisted of gaming, stupid memes and planning potential couples vacations, his conversations with Rachel were emotional and raw. They spoke for hours on end, every single day while he was caring for Leah and while Brenda was working in the next room. Okay, ew, stop. He asked my opinion and I told him he has two options.

[00:05:59] Either leave Brenda or completely break off all contact with Rachel and focus on his marriage. But since he asked, in my opinion, Brenda needed to know. Especially since she considered Rachel a friend and knowing that Rachel wants to screw over Brenda and Leah. Seriously, typing this disgusts me. After the call ended, I told Mikel about it. He was shocked as I was, but asked what I was going to do. I just sat there trying to digest what I had just heard.

[00:06:27] Dave, Brenda and Leah went on their vacation. During this time, we didn't communicate. When he got back, he told me that he had cut Rachel off, but refused to tell Brenda about it. Okay, fine, whatever. I don't agree with his actions to not tell her, but it's not my life, not my relationship. He asked for advice and I gave it. I told him that in my eyes, he had betrayed his wife, whether physically or not, and I still felt that Brenda deserved to know.

[00:06:54] Almost immediately, I felt myself pulling away from Dave. My image of him was damaged. When I interact with Brenda online for work, I'm professional and friendly. But it's painful keeping this secret. However, as time passed, I began to think that perhaps this was over. Dave had just made a stupid mistake and was just thinking about what could be. He didn't actually leave her, right? And most importantly, he cut Rachel out. Dave and I begin talking a bit more.

[00:07:23] I actually thought maybe things can go back to the way they were, since he didn't actually physically cheat. Maybe it's best that Brenda doesn't know, for her own mental health and happiness. Maybe we can move past this. So many thoughts going through my mind. So many ways of rationalizing this. The mental gymnastics were Olympic level impressive. Then about a month ago, he drops the bomb. He tells me that Rachel and he are talking again. She allegedly begged him for forgiveness.

[00:07:52] And cried that she is going through another horrible breakup and needs his friendship. Or else she doesn't know what she might do. He said he is going to keep her at arm's length. But she needs him. He will just be there for her a little bit. But it won't be like it was before. Oh, holy night. To my chagrin. Love that word. As the weeks pass, he begins to mention her more and more. I tell him I don't want to hear about her.

[00:08:19] And when he keeps going, I finally snap and tell him not to mention her to me at all. I'm so pissed that he is talking to her again. And that he doesn't care about how me knowing this is putting more guilt and strain in my mind. Especially when I have to interact with his wife. It's completely unfair that he told me about his situationship with Rachel. Knowing that I consider Brenda a friend. And that we work together every day. I begged him to tell Brenda about it.

[00:08:47] She has the right to decide if she wants to stay. And most of all, that he is actively still friends with a woman who wishes hurt and pain on his wife and little girl. How do you sleep at night? Dave still talks about planning vacations together with Mikel and I. But I don't even respond. Honestly, I don't see how I can sit at dinner with them and keep quiet. Especially if Rachel were to get brought up in conversation. And especially if wine is involved. And let's be honest. There will be wine.

[00:09:16] I have one of those faces that speaks my mind without saying a word. Which is why I do better working remote versus client facing. I dread the day when or if either Dave or Brenda say that Rachel is coming to visit them again. I can pretend it won't happen. But let's be honest. Dave is a complete moron. Who managed to somehow miraculously prevent his marriage from going up in flames. Only to soak himself in gasoline.

[00:09:41] And open the door to the walking, talking, gorgeous yet shallow lit match. Reddit, help me. I want to cut him out completely because I am so disgusted by his actions. But I know Brenda will be upset and drill me about it. Especially since they've been planning a trip to Europe for next year and wanting us to come. Should I just tell her that we had a falling out? Should I find a way to hint to Brenda not to trust Rachel? I didn't even want to know any of this.

[00:10:10] And I'm so pissed that he dumped this on me. We were friends, but not that type of friend. As for Brenda, I'd want to know if I were friends with and playing host to a girl who wanted to steal my husband and the father of my child. But I'm also concerned about my job. My livelihood. She's been with the company over 10 years and I've only been a year. I've kept this secret from her for so long. If I say something, can it affect my employment?

[00:10:37] Should I just pull away from them and when asked, make some lame excuse like I'm too busy? Edits. I wanted to clarify a few things. When I say friend, I mean we were more than mere acquaintances. But we aren't besties. I've always been closer to Dave than Brenda strictly because he's the one who I game with. However, Dave and I never had deep conversations before he unloaded this secret on me.

[00:11:01] We talked about Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, going to festivals and eventually us joining them on vacations. We haven't so far. Money was too tight for us to join them before Mikel's promotion and before I was given this job opportunity. So vacations was something for the future. We've only ever met once in person for the promotion weekend last summer. Birds have continuously made plans to visit or meet up in the city. Due to funds and other hiccups, the plans always fell through.

[00:11:30] Our friendship was something that we had built to get away from the stress of life. Lighthearted and meant to be fun. As for Brenda, she recommended me for the position at her work, but I had to earn the position. She isn't my boss, but she definitely has seniority. Before the conversation with Dave, I had high hopes for Brenda and I becoming closer and us all being good friends down the road. Unfortunately, since this happened last year, I have kept my distance and didn't nurture my relationship with Brenda.

[00:11:59] I have no proof. The conversation where he told me everything was over the phone and I didn't record it. Plus, I'm in a two-party state, so I think I could get in trouble for that. If I tell Brenda, it will be my word against his. And if she goes to him, he can deny everything or even try to spin it against me. This is where I worry it could affect my job. My job is my biggest concern at this point. I do not want to lose my job. I don't want my job to become awkward.

[00:12:29] I would love to be able to give Brenda a heads up about the situation, but also I can't afford to lose my job. I cannot stress this enough. If I knew I could warn her without harming my own situation, I would. It may sound like my mind is made up, but it's not. I just wanted to add those for clarification and hopes that there is something that can be done. And there were some different comments on this one. Dear Parsnip said first, you give him one week to tell her or you will.

[00:12:57] Tell him that he is emotionally cheating on his wife and she deserves to know so she can decide if he's worth staying with. You let him know that you gave him the opportunity to make things right by cutting off Rachel and he chose not to. He chose to disrespect his wife by continuing to have a relationship with someone who wants to cause her harm. I'd be honest and let him know the fact that he would even entertain Rachel's offer of a superficial relationship while she'll have sex with him in exchange for money.

[00:13:24] That's what her offer amounts to and him abandoning his little girl disgusts you and you've lost respect for him as a person. Time to be firm about it. Either way, your friendship with him is over, so you may as well be a girl's girl and let his wife know what she's married to. At least Rachel will not step foot back in their home. The texter says, I think you have to tell Brenda. I wouldn't be able to work, talk, socialize with her knowing this bomb is just waiting to blow up her and her daughter's lives.

[00:13:53] Rachel is scum of the earth and her proposal to abandon them both is disgusting. And the fact that David is still talking shows he has not yet 100% decided against accepting it. Brenda deserves to know. You've lost David as a friend and you can salvage your friendship with Brenda. Another commenter says, I recommend you do not tell Brenda. Regardless of your motive, you will lose her friendship and possibly your job.

[00:14:18] I think at this point your best option would be to have your husband tell her with no warning to Dave. He can say you have been so upset and agonizing about this because of how much you like her and care about her. He just can't watch you be so upset and torn about this and what it will do to her and daughter if she tells her. Brenda. And also she, wife is afraid it will jeopardize her job that she loves as well as their friendship. I think this is the only chance of saving the friendship and job.

[00:14:46] Court Docket says, if your job is your biggest concern, then you do everything to preserve it. I don't understand fully how your job is on the line, but see you are massively concerned. So there may be info that hasn't been shared or I missed. The challenge is that even if you push for Brenda to be made aware, she could forgive and decide to reconcile. So where does that leave you? You have more risk getting involved in this mess versus not.

[00:15:13] I think it's fair to say that the majority of the comments on this post were just saying, you know, tell Brenda about what's going on, whether it be anonymously or whatever. Just Brenda deserves to know because it's just not fair to her, is it? As always, it's very easy for me to say I'm sat behind a computer talking into a microphone about what I might possibly or not do. But I feel like if I was in OP's position, I would really struggle because you said, you know, Brenda's a friend of yours as well.

[00:15:40] Or I'd really struggle going in, being face to face with this person daily, knowing what is potentially happening behind her back. I feel like in some way I would have to let her know whether that's just face to face or in a letter or whatever. You have to remember that he's the one who's causing this. He's the one who's potentially doing stuff behind her back or going to this person who's just after him for his money.

[00:16:06] It then gives her the opportunity to make the choices to get out of that relationship if he chooses to do so or just confront the matter anyway. It's a difficult situation and it's one that you shouldn't be in. He shouldn't have put you in. He shouldn't be doing anyway. You know, he's just an arsehole. But as I said, it's easy for me to say, right? But OP came in with her update and said, hello, Reddit. First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to all who took the time to read and comment on my post. I read all of your replies and took most into consideration.

[00:16:36] I mentioned that I would wait until after Thanksgiving to make my decision as I didn't want to ruin the holiday for Brenda and Leah. During that time, I decided that if I lose my job, then it would suck. But I know I can get another. I have to do what's right and what's also best for my mental health. Yesterday, with Mikhail's support, I sent out a group message to them both saying, hope you guys had a happy Thanksgiving. To my surprise, Brenda replied with, yeah, not so much.

[00:17:04] I asked what happened and she said that Rachel's mom was in the hospital with pneumonia and Dave went to be with her for moral support and that she was left hosting alone. Dave didn't reply. Mikhail told me that this was the perfect time and he would support me whatever I chose to do. So I sent, I'm amazed how forgiving you are, Brenda. I don't think I could be so chill. Dave replied with question marks. But Brenda immediately called me and I put her on speaker.

[00:17:32] She asked what I meant and I said, after what happened last year with Dave and Rachel, before you guys left for vacation, she told me to go on. And that's when I knew he had not in fact told her. So I told her everything. I also told her I was sorry and tried to convince him to tell her, but that I didn't know if anything more had happened. So maybe there was a chance to fix this. I told her that since Rachel was back in their lives, I assume they moved past it.

[00:18:01] Maybe since they've been close friends since college. She seemed eerily calm and said something like, oh no, Rachel never went to college. She met Dave online about 10 years ago. She's never been to college or even had a real job. She asked if there was anything else. Reddit, I started freaking out, lost any remaining confidence I had and told her that the reason I hadn't said anything was because I didn't have any proof.

[00:18:26] And since working with her, I'd been worried to say anything about it because I didn't want to risk my job. But not anymore. I was spiraling. Brenda said she had to go and hung up. I just sat there feeling sick. Two whole hours later, Brenda called me back and some of you called it. When confronting Dave and Rachel, they told her that I actually propositioned him. And I was jealous of his and Rachel's friendship. And I wanted what Brenda had. I started shaking and crying.

[00:18:57] At this point, Mikkel interrupted her and said he had heard parts of the original conversation. Not all, but enough to know that what I had told him afterwards was the truth. She tried interrupting him, but he cut her off. He said that this had been tearing me up and he was sick of it. He wished her the best and hoped she could remain professional at work. But after all this call, he wants Dave out of our life for good. Then he hung up. About 30 minutes later, I got a text from Brenda.

[00:19:23] She apologized for us being dragged into this and said she's mortified that I know and says Mikkel didn't let her finish. She was just telling us what they said and then she drops this epic bombshell. She really knows what's up and has since last year. She just had no idea until then that I knew. You'll get cookies if you call that by the way. She says the way he acted last year on the vacation, like a heartbroken lovesick puppy, was a huge red flag. And she felt deep down something wasn't right with him and Rachel.

[00:19:53] As soon as they got back home, she started digging, looking through his computer, his phone and iPad. It's not just Rachel. There's more. She's the only one he's met up with. None of the others wanted him in person. Just his money. I asked if she's okay or if she's worried about Dave coming back. But Brenda said she already has a lawyer and has been spending the past several months getting her affairs in order. She was going to give him the divorce papers after Thanksgiving.

[00:20:22] But with him abandoning them like that, she instead took advantage of his absence to change the locks and start packing his stuff. My information along with their lies just made it easier for her. This chick is so much more badass than I knew. I don't know if changing the locks is legal, but good for her, I guess. She apologized again for Dave and I told her I was sorry I didn't say something earlier. She told me that if she didn't already know about Dave and hadn't read a lot of our messages, which she said were pretty boring.

[00:20:52] Ouch. She probably wouldn't have believed me. It was an impossible situation. I told her that if she needs to talk, we are here. If not, then I'll just be her co-worker. Either way, I'm done with Dave. Fuck Dave. And just the top comment on this one was from Zippy Zappy that just says, Well done. You're a great friend and person. I'm glad Brenda is as badass as you are. Hope you will find peace and she gets a chunk of his money. He's a loser.

[00:21:21] Gee whiz. The way they try to chuck Opie under the bus immediately after it was all revealed. They absolutely deserve each other, right? I'm glad that your friendship and it sounds like your job is in a safe space right now. We've seen these stories go all sorts of different directions in the past. So I'm glad that, you know, she was aware of actually what was going on. As sad as that is, you know, it's absolutely horrible. Imagine having your whole life turned upside down like that. You got a child.

[00:21:51] Oh, man. And as shitty as it feels like saying this, you know, I'm glad he is out of their lives because she just does deserve so much better than that. And it just feels like Dave is entering the fuck around and find out phase because, you know, that relationship is going to go horrible at some point. You can just feel it already, right? But anyway, what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:22:20] And just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories. You'll love your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.