In-Laws Are Following Us On Vacation So I'm Cancelling r/Relationships

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: My name is Mark and todays video is a compilation video.

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to get that warning out there straight away because I know some of you love the compilations,

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: some of you absolutely hate them at the same time and thats ok but I just wanted to give

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_00]: you the opportunity to click off if you wanted to.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: The reason Im doing this compilation video today is, you know, I got a bit of a

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: shaky voice just lately so instead of doing my usual second video today Im just gonna

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: give it the afternoon off.

[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_00]: As I said, please switch off if you dont like a compilation.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Huge thank you for being here today, much love to you and lets crack on with it.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And our first story is titled Would I Be the Arsehole If I Cancelled My Vacation because

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: my in-laws are following us on vacation.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband is very close with his parents.

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: His parents moved to the other side of the country to be closer to him and his

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: siblings.

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_00]: They also babysit our kids 3 times in a week so we see them weekly.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Some weeks we see them also in the weekends.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Im also grateful that they babysit our kids and that they are amazing grandparents.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: We pay them a small amount every month but seeing them so often is taking a toll on

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: me.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: His parents dont have any friends or close relatives, thats why they often spend time

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: with us.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I dont mind seeing them a few times in a week but some weeks its just too much

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and overwhelming.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I really miss my family.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: We try to see my parents 1-2 times in a month.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: They live a little far so thats why we cant visit them often.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: My parents suggested a family trip to their home country next year.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Me, my siblings and our families all agreed to go.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: When my parents in-law found out they also told us that they will be going.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: They come from the same country so they booked the exact same flight.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: They are going because we are going.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I told my husband my worries about them following us on vacation.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I just want to enjoy my vacation with my family.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I just want to take a break from my in-laws.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband agreed but he said he cant ban them from going.

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: He told us that my in-laws said they have their own planning and that we can just do

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_00]: our thing and that they wont bother us.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Well today my sister asked my father in-law what their vacation plans were and surprise

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: my in-laws have the same planning as us.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: They will visit the same places at the same time as us.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Not the whole planning but a lot is overlapping with our plans.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I told my husband about this and he did not know about this either but his

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: reaction was very bland.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: He told me to not worry and that we just follow our own planning and to not mind my

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: in-laws.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: We already had discussions about this situation a few times before but my husband told

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_00]: me we can just cancel the whole trip as a solution.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But I just want to spend some time with my family without my in-laws following us.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Talking to them is difficult for me because of the language barrier.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband doesn't see any problems with his parents following us.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister jokingly told me that I can't escape from them.

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I really want to cancel the trip now but she told me that my parents are really looking

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: forward to this vacation and just to suck it up.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: She told me that I would be the asshole if I cancelled everything just because

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: of my in-laws wanting to spend time with us on vacation.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: So would I be the asshole for cancelling the vacation?

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Edits.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Wow, I woke up to 200 plus messages.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to read through everything.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband did share the itinerary with his parents.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: His reason was that he didn't see any problems with it because his parents told him many

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: times that they wouldn't bother us and that they wanted to meet up a few times.

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I'm hearing that my in-laws will spend the Chinese New Year's with my family

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: on vacation and no we can't change the date for the flights.

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We booked early so the flight tickets were pretty cheap.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Now the tickets are a thousand plus per person.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: We can change the itinerary so I'm going to talk with my husband about it.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband is a great husband but he's very laid back.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I will talk with him again.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: He knows this is bothering me.

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Now in the edit you said that your husband did share the itinerary with his parents.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Whether this was on purpose or you know it's just a silly mistake because his reasoning

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: was that the parents told him many times that they wouldn't bother us.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't think I'd cancel the trip for this.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I think this can be solved and maybe pretty easily.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's not easy for everyone and it might be a difficult conversation

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00]: but your husband needs to speak to his parents and tell them simply that you as a family

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: need some time away.

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: You need your own time to spend time with her family which hasn't happened in a long

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: time and OP is really looking forward to it and she wants to spend that quality

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: time with them.

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: You know if someone told me that I'd be totally understanding of the situation.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: If they don't understand that, that's a them problem I'm afraid.

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_00]: And I would change up your itinerary so things suit you and you get that alone

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: quality time.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: You know they can make their decisions but in reality they should be respecting your

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: choices here.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: 7 that's a nope says not the asshole but you know your husband gave them all your

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00]: travel info and itinerary right?

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Which was already covered.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_00]: They know your exact flights and what you'll be doing for every step of the trip.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: They don't have that much overlap by coincidence.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: The only way they'll be able to plan so much overlap is if someone gave them

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_00]: your itinerary, that someone isn't your parents or your sister.

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Your husband is talking about canceling because he knows you won't do it.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: He knows you won't actually sabotage the trip with your family to avoid his family.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Can you change around your itinerary with your family and do all the things you guys

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: want to do but at different times so it's not overlapping with his parents?

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Then don't tell your in-laws the changes.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Also probably don't tell your husband.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Secrets in a marriage are bad so maybe just tell him the itinerary while there

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: isn't set in stone but he can choose if he wants to join his parents for things

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_00]: or you and your family.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Or leave hubby home and tell him his parents he's not going so if they want

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to spend time with him they need to stay home too since they all cook this up together.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: No one cares says not the asshole I'm sure he knew otherwise how did they know

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: what you were doing?

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly I wouldn't disappoint your parents.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll just tell your husband you need a break from his family so you're going

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: to spend time with your family and he can go entertain his parents.

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Change the plans on what you're doing or switch the days around and don't tell him.

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: When you get there either stay with your parents or just leave before he gets up.

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Tell him you get kids half the week he gets them the other half.

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: If he complains tell them the next time either grow a backbone and learn to tell his

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: family no or he can learn to keep his mouth shut and not plan with his parents behind

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: your back for the next vacation.

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Also is it possible for you and your parents to change your plane tickets and go visit

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: somewhere else?

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he can take the kids for a few days.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: One more comment from Kiki V who says not the asshole.

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: You're not placing the blame where it really should be.

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Your husband.

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: He planned this with his parents behind your back and is playing dumb.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: It's time for you to put your foot down and take some time away from your in-laws.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Find another babysitter they're too involved in your life and need to just be grandparents.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Talk to your husband and call him out for betraying your trust and ask him who he's

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_00]: married to because it seems like he thinks his parents are part of your marriage.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Tell him that you and your children are taking a time out from his parents until

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: he fixes the problem.

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Call him out and tell him that he is the one who valued his parents feelings

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: over yours and he can be the one to fix it and you and your children will not

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: be seeing his parents until he sets very firm boundaries with them and instills

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: consequences.

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Also tell him that you and your children will be going to visit with your family

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and he will be spending that time making sure that his parents don't end up

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00]: running into you while you are with your family.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_00]: If it were me I'd tell him he better hope that you don't see them during

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_00]: the visits because if you do it is over.

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: That's just what I would do.

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: He's smothering you with his parents.

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_00]: You should be able to see your own family without his parents as chaperones.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: So OP does update the post and says Hi guys, sorry for the late update.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Life got busy.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And I really didn't have anything exciting to update.

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to thank everyone for your advice.

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Most of them were helpful.

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00]: We decided to go through with a vacation.

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: It'd be unfair towards my parents, husbands and kids to cancel.

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: The main culprit of this fiasco is my mum.

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_00]: My mum is a social butterfly and she tries to include everyone.

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: She was the one who invited my in-laws to come.

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Her reason was that my in-laws don't have any friends or social circle

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and that she wanted them to enjoy a vacation too.

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Although her reason is sweet, my husband, father and sister were disappointed with her actions.

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband because he wanted a vacation for us.

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He wanted a bond as a family.

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00]: With his parents there he has to take care of everything for them.

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_00]: My father because he now has to entertain my in-laws

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and he's excited to spend time with his grandkids because he doesn't see them often.

[00:08:59] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister because she's tired of my mother always inviting people

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_00]: while it was supposed to be a small family thing.

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: My mum once invited relatives to my sister's kid's birthday party

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_00]: whilst she wanted to have a small celebration.

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, better talk with my mum to explain why our actions are hurting us.

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: My mum doesn't really understand why we're bothered.

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00]: She says the more the merrier.

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband blames my mum for this whole fiasco.

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00]: He told me that he didn't want his parents to join us on vacation

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: but my mum invited his parents without consulting with us.

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Now they are going and he can't tell them not to go.

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband did talk with his parents to set boundaries.

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He told them that we wanted two weeks for ourselves.

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: They get one week with the kids, the rest is for us.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: My in-laws told us that they understand but yeah, guess what?

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00]: They've been trying to convince my husband to stay at the same hotel as them

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and they are planning to follow us the last two weeks of the vacation.

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00]: They changed their itinerary so they'll be at the same places without consulting us.

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I overheard them talking about it.

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_00]: My mother-in-law's exact words are

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_00]: we won't see the kids the first week so we need to follow them for the last two weeks.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate my in-laws, I really do.

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_00]: They are amazing grandparents but I just wanted a break.

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Just for a few weeks.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted this vacation to be for us.

[00:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I see my in-laws two to four times in a week.

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00]: They didn't have friends so they spend most of their time with my kids and us.

[00:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister said that what my mother-in-law is doing is unhealthy bonding with my kids

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: because of mother-in-laws past trauma.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: She's an amazing grandmother but she can be a little much.

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_00]: When you spend so much time with your in-laws you really crave some alone time.

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, my mom says just to put up with it because

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: my in-laws just want to spend time with the kids on vacation.

[00:10:45] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings.

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_00]: He did set some clear boundaries but my in-laws don't care.

[00:10:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I've come to the realization that I'll never escape my in-laws.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: So people, when you find your SO, do know that if you marry him or her,

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_00]: you will also marry their family.

[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I gotta say below this one the majority of the comments was turning to

[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_00]: everyone sort of sucks here.

[00:11:07] [SPEAKER_00]: OP for not saying no themselves, the husband for not dealing with his parents,

[00:11:11] [SPEAKER_00]: mum for inviting every bloody body on vacation

[00:11:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and I know dealing with family can be incredibly difficult.

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: But your life doesn't have to be like this.

[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Your last sentence seems to say that you know this is it for the rest of my life now.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: But a conversation will solve this.

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Setting up boundaries will solve this.

[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone deserves a break to get away from things,

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_00]: to relax with their own family and just have a bit of time to yourselves.

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't have to explain that to anybody

[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and simply telling them that you need a break just as a family should be more than enough.

[00:11:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said the first time around it's a them problem if they don't understand

[00:11:50] [SPEAKER_00]: you need to just do your own thing.

[00:11:53] [SPEAKER_00]: And this is just going to continue from your in-laws,

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_00]: from your mum if nothing is said about it which will then just be your life

[00:12:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and that's clearly not what you want.

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_00]: But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's move on to another story.

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story is one that we have covered in the past but now

[00:12:17] [SPEAKER_00]: it's been flagged with a final update.

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to cover the previous parts of the story.

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll put timestamps down in the description as always so you can skip through parts

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_00]: if you've already heard them and you want to skip them whatever.

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Totally up to you.

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_00]: But this story does contain cancer as well so if you do want to skip it

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00]: always feel free to do so.

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00]: It's from the Off My Chest subreddit from a throwaway account and says

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm at a loss as what to do with my 54 male wife 51 female request.

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife and I have been married since 2001 and together since 1999.

[00:12:49] [SPEAKER_00]: She is the most intelligent, thoughtful, caring, loyal person I know

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and I have always thought of myself as fortunate to have met and married her.

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_00]: She is, even today, aesthetically beautiful and men have told her this throughout our marriage.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_00]: She has always shot them down.

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Earlier this year she was diagnosed with uterine cancer stage 1,

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00]: had a full hysterectomy.

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I was never concerned about the cancer.

[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_00]: It was diagnosed early, dealt with quickly and she made a full recovery.

[00:13:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I took time off work to look after her after the surgery and it all seemed well.

[00:13:20] [SPEAKER_00]: There were some to be expected emotional instances on her part and

[00:13:23] [SPEAKER_00]: although I'm not an emotional person we dealt with them together.

[00:13:27] [SPEAKER_00]: After a recovery she was insistent that we start living life to the fullest

[00:13:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and took a 10 day trip to Europe followed by a trip to Belize.

[00:13:35] [SPEAKER_00]: We also have a trip to the UK and Spain and Portugal later this year.

[00:13:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I am fine with these things, building memories and crossing bucket list adventures

[00:13:43] [SPEAKER_00]: off of her slash our list.

[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I also understand that these are a result of feeling fragile on her part.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_00]: She also took up yoga, swimming and healthy cooking classes.

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I was fully on board until last week.

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Last week she came home from work and told me she wanted a

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_00]: hall pass, a one time opportunity for her to have sex with someone else besides me.

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that since her cancer diagnosis her outlook on life has changed

[00:14:10] [SPEAKER_00]: She explained that there is this guy at her work that she has always had some attraction to.

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_00]: He's leaving the company and she will never see him again,

[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_00]: so this is the perfect opportunity to sleep with someone else.

[00:14:21] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that I could say no of course but that she would be mad and disappointed at me

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_00]: for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be a confirmation of my male toxicity

[00:14:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and insecurity.

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't consider myself to be toxic and if not wanting your wife of 20 plus years

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to have sex with someone else is insecure then I guess I am insecure.

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I told her that I appreciated her talking to me about this but approval via coercion

[00:14:46] [SPEAKER_00]: is not approval.

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I also said that I do not appreciate her language in describing my, as of yet,

[00:14:52] [SPEAKER_00]: unknown reaction to this very large issue that could affect the rest of our marriage and life.

[00:14:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I got up in the morning and she basically said that she was sorry for putting such

[00:15:00] [SPEAKER_00]: a large decision solely on my shoulders.

[00:15:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And that to help she was taking the decision away from me.

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_00]: She booked a hotel near where her co-workers are having a party slash send off for this guy

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and she would spend the night there, with him, and hoped that I would be here when she got back.

[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_00]: That she would answer any questions I have about the night after it happened but not before.

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_00]: She will not tell me who he is or anything about him because she knows me too well

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and that I will dwell and obsess over him.

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_00]: And that would make it too real for me which is pretty accurate.

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Her point of view is that the less I know the better which contradicts the offer to tell me

[00:15:35] [SPEAKER_00]: anything I want to know after it happened.

[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I think she knows I won't want to know slash ask anything or she simply will not tell me.

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Part of me thinks at least she has been honest with me and she has been through a lot

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_00]: since finding out she had cancer so maybe I should just let it happen.

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I certainly have no concept of what she went through so I cannot dismiss how this affected

[00:15:55] [SPEAKER_00]: her mental state and outlook on life.

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Part of me wants to put my foot down and say this is not going to happen

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and deal with those consequences when they happen.

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_00]: A BFF called me callous for even suggesting that I wouldn't let it happen

[00:16:07] [SPEAKER_00]: because I have no idea what she went through.

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I find it hard to believe that she is okay with the possibility of throwing away

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_00]: 20 plus years of marriage over some guy that she has had no relationship with outside of

[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_00]: work and that I should just call her bluff.

[00:16:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe she thinks similarly that I won't throw away the marriage because of just one encounter.

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I just don't know what to do.

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I empathise with Erin, that's an instant later I am angry with her.

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Part of me wants to know who this guy is.

[00:16:34] [SPEAKER_00]: What does he look like?

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_00]: What has he got that is so enthralling for her?

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Is he just a safe option?

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Is he married? Does his wife know?

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Would I be callous asshole for saying no?

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_00]: What can I do besides walking away?

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The top comment on this one says kind of think

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_00]: this is the way your marriage will be from now on.

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_00]: With her epiphany she wants to relive her life and she is going to do it regardless of your feelings.

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I think she is being rather selfish and probably only threatens this because

[00:17:00] [SPEAKER_00]: she thinks you are beaten down and will simply put up with it.

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Perhaps not the best time for trips and thrills.

[00:17:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She wants the single life, let us see what that means.

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie says she thinks because she will never see this guy again and that I have never met him

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: supposedly that it won't really affect me or our marriage in the long term.

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I am left with accepting it and never viewing her the same way again and going through a divorce at

[00:17:23] [SPEAKER_00]: 54. Not really great options on either front.

[00:17:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know where her head is and the bout with cancer is affecting her in ways that

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't possibly imagine.

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think she believes I will leave.

[00:17:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Around 4 days later Opie updates and says I received a ton of advice that

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't possibly respond to.

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM.

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_00]: It has been an exhausting couple of days.

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause but unfortunately

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_00]: that did not happen.

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I said I am a hard no and I'm not sure how I will feel about you if you go ahead with it.

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I was met once again with this is for me, it will be one time,

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_00]: what can I say that will help you deal with it?

[00:18:01] [SPEAKER_00]: You'll get over it.

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_00]: We were meant to be regardless of the situation.

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Remarks leading up to Saturday.

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_00]: She left Saturday ostensibly to meet her co-workers but in reality fuck the guy.

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did

[00:18:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked her if she was really going through with this.

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_00]: After her response, I'm not answering any more questions tonight

[00:18:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I will see you tomorrow, I blocked my wife.

[00:18:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I went to the bar where the get together was happening.

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street.

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I waited for a long time.

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_00]: It was running through my mind that leading up to this event

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that I need to know who this guy was.

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe to compare myself against him.

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_00]: To see what he had that I do not.

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Was driving me crazy not knowing who he was

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_00]: After what seemed like an eternity,

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_00]: a woman that I recognized from my wife's office left the bar and got in a cab.

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Soon other people started filing out and a whole group of people came out

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand.

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I assumed that I had my guy.

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off.

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I unblocked her and there were no messages.

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone said their goodbyes and left.

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out.

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_00]: She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together.

[00:19:19] [SPEAKER_00]: All of the emotions I went through.

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Traffidation, sadness, anger.

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: It was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me.

[00:19:27] [SPEAKER_00]: This guy was short, fat and bald.

[00:19:29] [SPEAKER_00]: All the things I cannot compete with.

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Ultimately I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance.

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I followed until they got to the hotel

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and then turned around and went home.

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door.

[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I moved her things to the spare room and left a note

[00:19:44] [SPEAKER_00]: asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible.

[00:19:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I visited another friend who was a lawyer

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: for divorce attorneys and made the introductions.

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife had been calling me numerous times since around 11 or so.

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Once blocked, the calls go to voicemail.

[00:20:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_00]: when she couldn't get through to me

[00:20:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She was obviously becoming concerned.

[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to go home but I left in such a hurry

[00:20:11] [SPEAKER_00]: that I didn't plan an overnight properly.

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I got home around 9 and as per my buddy's advice

[00:20:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I recorded the interaction.

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: asking what was going on. Could we talk?

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I just answered with,

[00:20:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed.

[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_00]: After not getting a response from me through the door

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_00]: she left me alone.

[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I kind of feel like a child for not talking to her

[00:20:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her.

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Monday I got up and ready for work.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_00]: She was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal.

[00:20:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I said you have been doing all the talking for both of us for the last week.

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you continue and left for work?

[00:20:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week.

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie then posted a rant which had potential wayward in the BFF

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and said the BFF does not have your best interests in mind.

[00:20:57] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF wants to validate their bad choices

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_00]: by encouraging you to make the same ones.

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF lives for the drama they help create.

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF is titillated by the details.

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF cultivates misery.

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF is a narcissist who can't help themselves so

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_00]: if the statement just go for it you deserve it

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_00]: he doesn't appreciate you, he doesn't respect you

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and in my case you face your own mortality

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and you shouldn't let anyone hold you back

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_00]: from doing the things that make you happy.

[00:21:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe realize that you should talk with your significant other

[00:21:26] [SPEAKER_00]: explain what you are feeling.

[00:21:28] [SPEAKER_00]: You ought to them to discuss the way you're feeling about yourself

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_00]: your partner and your marriage.

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie left some comments below that and said

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, once the dust has settled I realized I was desperate

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_00]: to hold onto something that no longer existed.

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I have initiated divorce proceedings.

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_00]: She has regret not remorse.

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Of course those are different things with different meanings.

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_00]: She regrets what has happened because her life is upside down now.

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone in private messages asked if her cancer could be back

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and spread to her brain which I don't know if it has actually happened or not

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_00]: but I doubt it would make any difference to me at this point.

[00:22:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I just don't see it the same way anymore.

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I told all of her friends husbands about how they enable this behaviour

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and the fallout is interesting.

[00:22:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I said that maybe when they are covering for one another

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that maybe my wife was just the next link in the chain.

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_00]: It's got them going through their wives phones.

[00:22:17] [SPEAKER_00]: A couple found inappropriate sexting.

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_00]: All husbands have made their wives cut off my wife and each other.

[00:22:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone asks was BFF one of those sexting?

[00:22:27] [SPEAKER_00]: And Opie says of course.

[00:22:29] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF's husband says that she was definitely an emotional affair

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and probably a physical affair as well.

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He is still digging.

[00:22:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie's next update says

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_00]: My lawyer wasn't available for a few days so

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I was faced with the reality of having to live with my wife in the interim.

[00:22:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I really didn't want to go home and have any discussion

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00]: let alone a discussion about our relationship.

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: When I did get home I was basically ambushed by her friends and my mother-in-law.

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of taking the remorseful approach

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: they decided that a full court press was what the situation warranted

[00:22:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and I was basically berated by them.

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF was definitely the ringleader but all of them decided to say such things as

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_00]: she's been going through a lot.

[00:23:07] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't know what she's been going through.

[00:23:09] [SPEAKER_00]: You have no idea what it is like to face something like this.

[00:23:13] [SPEAKER_00]: This was a one-time thing.

[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_00]: At least she told you.

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_00]: She could have hidden it from you.

[00:23:17] [SPEAKER_00]: She will never see the guy again.

[00:23:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And my favourite, you're an asshole for what you've been putting her through

[00:23:22] [SPEAKER_00]: these last couple of days.

[00:23:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I listened with a dumb ass smirk on my face and when there was a lull in their fury

[00:23:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked if they were all done now.

[00:23:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Then I asked my wife if there was anyone in her circle of friends

[00:23:34] [SPEAKER_00]: or anyone else that she forgot to tell about this.

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I quietly informed all of them that I was going to sit down with her husband

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and tell them about how they verbally abusing me,

[00:23:44] [SPEAKER_00]: shaming me and trying to coerce me into staying with a cheater.

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_00]: After I told them to leave I said that I had no say in the entire event

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and so they have no say in whether I stay or not.

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_00]: My soon-to-be ex-wife sort of apologised.

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_00]: She said she regretted the entire thing.

[00:23:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I said there is a difference between regret and remorse.

[00:24:02] [SPEAKER_00]: You regret what happened because of the cause and effect.

[00:24:05] [SPEAKER_00]: You have regret because your life will never be the same.

[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Our relationship will never be the same because

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_00]: you were wholly and willfully unconcerned about me and what I wanted.

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She asked if I had any questions that she would answer them now,

[00:24:18] [SPEAKER_00]: no matter how disturbing.

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I said the one question I do have is why.

[00:24:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Not necessarily why this guy, why this low-end unattractive unfit guy

[00:24:26] [SPEAKER_00]: but why someone else in the first place.

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that the cancer scared her to the core.

[00:24:32] [SPEAKER_00]: She felt like she was rushing towards mortality

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and stepping out of the tunnel was appealing.

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that after all this time of being a wife and a mother

[00:24:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and worrying about family, this was something just for her, an escape.

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_00]: The guy was just someone who was interested in her for a long time.

[00:24:48] [SPEAKER_00]: She knew he wouldn't say no and was completely opposite to me.

[00:24:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I said if I was going to risk my marriage

[00:24:54] [SPEAKER_00]: the woman would have to be a serious upgrade from you.

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I told her that I saw you and him coming out of the bar that night

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and watched you walk away from the bar hand in hand towards the hotel.

[00:25:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I said that you looked too familiar with each other

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and asked if there was something going on before all this.

[00:25:09] [SPEAKER_00]: She said no but who knows if that's the truth or not.

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I said that after all our years together

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: your lack of respect for me was astonishing.

[00:25:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I finished by saying that I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_00]: if I condone that level of disrespect and stayed with you.

[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I said I hope we can go our separate ways amicably

[00:25:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and that I have an appointment with a lawyer later in the week.

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I again asked her to find some other accommodations

[00:25:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and she simply said I'm not going anywhere.

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_00]: We are not getting a divorce.

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I will give you all the time you need to do whatever you need to recover from this.

[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_00]: We will get past this.

[00:25:40] [SPEAKER_00]: She has asked me to go to marriage counseling which I refused.

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Why would I go to counseling?

[00:25:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I did nothing to warrant needing a therapist's advice.

[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I had her served and gave her notice to vacate.

[00:25:50] [SPEAKER_00]: The house is my premarital asset.

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_00]: She has moved in with her mum but I find her constantly coming by to see

[00:25:56] [SPEAKER_00]: if I need anything or making suggestions like

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00]: what if we had an open relationship only on your side or threesomes?

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Which seems kind of desperate and pathetic.

[00:26:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Rebuffing her constantly and telling her that

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_00]: just a call to ask permission before coming by

[00:26:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and finally seems to get through to her that there will be no us going forward.

[00:26:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She has said that she will drag the divorce out for as long as possible

[00:26:18] [SPEAKER_00]: but so far has been compliant.

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The worst part of all this is telling my daughter that we are getting a divorce and why.

[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Followed closely by her begging me to give her mum another chance.

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I am not sure I would have been afforded the same consideration

[00:26:32] [SPEAKER_00]: if I was the one who was cheating.

[00:26:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he provides some more information below that.

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: On his daughter he says I think it was just a gut reaction.

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_00]: In the weeks that have passed and the more she understands what has happened

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: the more irritated she is becoming with her mum.

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_00]: On his wife, I loved my wife and I loved my wife.

[00:26:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I and others found her to be stunning.

[00:26:52] [SPEAKER_00]: She looks like Linda Carter.

[00:26:53] [SPEAKER_00]: And knowing that she has her affair down so low

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_00]: makes her a non-entity that I could never look at the same way again.

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_00]: No amount of counselling is going to change the way I see her.

[00:27:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone suggests something had to transpire prior to the hotel excursion.

[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_00]: There's no way she decided in a matter of a few days

[00:27:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to pick up and cheat with the affair partner.

[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he says getting sex is easier for women.

[00:27:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they were involved in an emotional affair before

[00:27:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and this was a culmination.

[00:27:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't really know nor do I care unless it benefits me during the divorce.

[00:27:22] [SPEAKER_00]: From what I know all of her friends have cut her off.

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_00]: They're trying like hell to save their own marriages

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_00]: that they are turning on each other.

[00:27:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone asks after vacating your house is she feeling any remorse

[00:27:33] [SPEAKER_00]: or is she still thinking you need to get over it as of today?

[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Going no contact with her should be easy since your daughter is an adult.

[00:27:39] [SPEAKER_00]: What desperate measures has she taken

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_00]: that you haven't mentioned in your post and comments?

[00:27:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he says she was stoic and held her position right up until she was served.

[00:27:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Then she became visibly upset and resorted to begging, pleading and bargaining.

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone else said really?

[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_00]: No tears?

[00:27:56] [SPEAKER_00]: No emotional meltdown?

[00:27:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry that happened to you.

[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_00]: How can she not see what she has done to you?

[00:28:01] [SPEAKER_00]: The whole way this went is so surreal from start to finish.

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_00]: It's like she has a manic or hypomanic episode.

[00:28:08] [SPEAKER_00]: You're doing the right thing by divorcing her.

[00:28:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry but there is no love in her anymore.

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: You sir have not lost your self-respect and have made the right choice.

[00:28:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Take care of yourself.

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he said plenty of tears, begging and bargaining after the fact but that may be just optics.

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe she fell out of love and is now regretting her new station in life.

[00:28:27] [SPEAKER_00]: She's an attractive woman.

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_00]: She would have plenty of men willing to date her but I won't be one of them.

[00:28:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone says wow amazing poker face she really thought she owned you.

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he says she was confident.

[00:28:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Overly so.

[00:28:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Another says if you ever feel the need to go nuclear

[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_00]: you could reveal the affair to her co-workers.

[00:28:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I bet that would be a disaster.

[00:28:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he says I want her employed so I don't have to pay maintenance

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_00]: even if it was while she was between jobs.

[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_00]: There is a woman at her work who has always looked at me in an inviting way.

[00:28:57] [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe I will try to date her after this is over.

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_00]: That would be interesting on a couple of levels.

[00:29:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And Hope he updates again and says there is not much to report.

[00:29:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We're in the process of getting a divorce.

[00:29:07] [SPEAKER_00]: However where we live we must be legally separated for one year.

[00:29:10] [SPEAKER_00]: My soon-to-be ex-wife has said that she will give me whatever I want in the divorce

[00:29:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I agree to attend marriage counselling but I am not interested.

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_00]: It was a bit of back and forth while we worked out what separation looks like in everyday life

[00:29:22] [SPEAKER_00]: from this point forward.

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_00]: As a result we've only just agreed to the confines of the legal separation.

[00:29:29] [SPEAKER_00]: So as we move towards defining the divorce language maybe my stance may change.

[00:29:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Her house was a pre-marital asset so she has no claim to it.

[00:29:38] [SPEAKER_00]: The only things she could go after are my pension, vehicles and vacation property.

[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_00]: But I would counter that she has lived rent free for 20 plus years

[00:29:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and has her own money plus inheritance from her father.

[00:29:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I may have offer her a top up in retirement as she was a stay at home mum while her daughter

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER_00]: was young but that would be the most at this point.

[00:29:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I received a lot of messages about her friend group and my daughter.

[00:29:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I will clear up misconceptions now.

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_00]: My daughter isn't taking her mother's side.

[00:30:04] [SPEAKER_00]: She has always been a mum as girl but she is very unhappy with her mum right now.

[00:30:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Her initial reaction was just shock and held out hope that we would work through

[00:30:11] [SPEAKER_00]: any issues and stay together.

[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Now she accepts that is not going to happen and she has been limiting her interactions

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_00]: with her but at the end of the day she is still a mum.

[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Her friend group husbands were upset at the level of complicity of their wives in

[00:30:24] [SPEAKER_00]: aiding and abetting the contact and cheating and made them cut off my wife.

[00:30:28] [SPEAKER_00]: But that seems to have been forgotten at this point.

[00:30:30] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF was the ringleader and seems to have taken a perverse pleasure in actively

[00:30:34] [SPEAKER_00]: creating scenarios where they would be in contact.

[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_00]: At the very least encouraging to the point of causing her husband to question her motives.

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: But turns out she didn't like me at all and this was a way of sticking it to me.

[00:30:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess she wins.

[00:30:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The BFF's husband said that there were some sex din in his wife's messages but said he

[00:30:53] [SPEAKER_00]: is dealing with it.

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_00]: We did meet up with him being apologetic for his wife's complicity but it is not

[00:30:58] [SPEAKER_00]: his fault and just wants to move on.

[00:31:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I have decided not to date anyone for a while.

[00:31:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I will not be getting married ever again.

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_00]: That's it.

[00:31:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I doubt I will post again unless she wins a lottery and I find it in my heart to forgive her.

[00:31:11] [SPEAKER_00]: My word, I remember reading this the first time around and just the attitude of the wife like

[00:31:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to sleep with someone else he said absolutely not and then she was like

[00:31:21] [SPEAKER_00]: well I'm going to do it whether you like it or not and then is shocked when

[00:31:25] [SPEAKER_00]: he's serving her divorce papers and then after all that and he says like

[00:31:28] [SPEAKER_00]: he wants her out of the house and she's like I'm not leaving we're not getting

[00:31:31] [SPEAKER_00]: a divorce.

[00:31:33] [SPEAKER_00]: But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:31:36] [SPEAKER_00]: What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:31:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:31:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Our next story comes from Misty Moonbeam who says,

[00:31:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Saw sexually explicit text on husband's phone.

[00:31:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Hi.

[00:31:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm posting here because I don't know what else to do.

[00:31:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm pretty sure my husband is cheating on me.

[00:31:54] [SPEAKER_00]: He won't admit to it but I don't think I'm imagining anything.

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_00]: He left his phone near me on the arm of the couch and I saw some messages

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_00]: pop up from a person with a woman's name.

[00:32:03] [SPEAKER_00]: A woman I've never heard of and the messages were not innocent whatsoever.

[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_00]: He seemingly realized he had left the phone there and quickly came back from the other room

[00:32:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and grabbed it.

[00:32:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I was nursing our daughter and our other children were nearby.

[00:32:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Inside I was exploding.

[00:32:19] [SPEAKER_00]: All I could do was give him the dirtiest look and he was like what?

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him you know what.

[00:32:25] [SPEAKER_00]: He said I was paranoid.

[00:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So I stopped talking to him for the rest of the evening.

[00:32:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Once the kids were in bed and we went into our bedroom and I closed the door

[00:32:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and asked him what in the fuck those messages were about.

[00:32:37] [SPEAKER_00]: He said he didn't know what I was talking about.

[00:32:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him not to treat me like an idiot.

[00:32:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I saw messages from a woman who clearly was not me talking about his cock.

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_00]: That's the word she used.

[00:32:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Why would any other woman be using that word innocently in a text message to my husband?

[00:32:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked to see his phone.

[00:32:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Normally I'm not like that but I had to see the messages and whatever else he's hiding on his phone.

[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Pictures, videos.

[00:33:02] [SPEAKER_00]: He refused to let me see his phone.

[00:33:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him that tells me all I need to know then.

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_00]: He said no he's just not going to play this game with me.

[00:33:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm now sleeping in another room for the night.

[00:33:13] [SPEAKER_00]: For reference I'm 35 and he's 42.

[00:33:17] [SPEAKER_00]: We've been married for eight years and we have four kids.

[00:33:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Four girls.

[00:33:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Our oldest is six and our youngest is almost a year.

[00:33:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm deeply in love with him.

[00:33:26] [SPEAKER_00]: He seemed to be deeply in love with me.

[00:33:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel as giddy and as excited to be with him now as I did when we first met.

[00:33:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel safe with him and this is the man I've always dreamed of.

[00:33:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Despite being together for 10 years I can't keep my hands off him and he is the same with me.

[00:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm attracted to him in every way.

[00:33:44] [SPEAKER_00]: He's a great dad.

[00:33:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Totally engaged and involved.

[00:33:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Loving, patient, protective, fun.

[00:33:49] [SPEAKER_00]: He's into all of this masculine stuff but wow.

[00:33:52] [SPEAKER_00]: He's the best girl dad and is truly their hero in their eyes.

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't know if he'd ever decided to pull the trigger on having a kid

[00:34:00] [SPEAKER_00]: but he says when he met me that changed and we decided to have one and see how it went.

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We enjoyed the experience so much we did it three more times.

[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Despite saying we were done at four we've been talking about maybe one more.

[00:34:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He has a job he's very committed to.

[00:34:16] [SPEAKER_00]: A very good job that supports our family.

[00:34:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I had a full-time career as well but I became a stay-at-home mom when our third baby was born.

[00:34:24] [SPEAKER_00]: His job requires travel several times a year, sometimes for extended times.

[00:34:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I've had a few friends ask if I ever worried about the

[00:34:31] [SPEAKER_00]: time apart and what he was getting up to.

[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I never worried.

[00:34:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He's in constant communication with me.

[00:34:37] [SPEAKER_00]: He calls home to speak to our kids every night and nothing ever seemed odd.

[00:34:41] [SPEAKER_00]: The one thing that I now feel was weird is

[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_00]: there'd be an unfamiliar smell in his suitcase sometimes.

[00:34:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Sort of perfumed.

[00:34:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The only thing I can figure is that he's been cheated on me when he's out of town.

[00:34:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't see when he'd be doing it at other times.

[00:34:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what to do now.

[00:34:57] [SPEAKER_00]: He's probably deleting everything that was on his phone.

[00:34:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel dizzy.

[00:35:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to know every single detail about whatever it is he's been doing.

[00:35:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to feel like an idiot that will just sit at home and remain the fool.

[00:35:08] [SPEAKER_00]: This is my worst nightmare come true.

[00:35:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I trusted him 110%.

[00:35:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And we're starting the comments with smushy boo who says a family member has this happened recently.

[00:35:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Her husband constantly on the phone and being cagey with it.

[00:35:23] [SPEAKER_00]: She just outright said, if you're not showing me the contents of your phone is more important than our marriage,

[00:35:29] [SPEAKER_00]: you may as well just leave.

[00:35:30] [SPEAKER_00]: He never did show her the contents on his phone and they aren't together anymore.

[00:35:34] [SPEAKER_00]: She had a lot going on in her life at the time and just said she didn't have the energy to deal with lies and secretiveness from her supposed life partner.

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: She's a badass and I hope you get your answers.

[00:35:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Serial killer says start your escape plan secure all important documents, passports and health cards.

[00:35:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Rock up on Walmart and gas gift cards when you go grocery shopping every trip to build yourself something to fall back on.

[00:35:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Take note of all finances so he doesn't drain accounts.

[00:36:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you know all the financial data to protect yourself and kids.

[00:36:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, it says you saw what you saw and he had no interest in showing you what else was on there.

[00:36:11] [SPEAKER_00]: He's not being trustworthy or faithful and it doesn't sound like you're going to get him to tell you the truth.

[00:36:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Is this behaviour that you find acceptable in a partner?

[00:36:21] [SPEAKER_00]: If not, I'll be thinking about consequences and at minimum kicking him out of the house.

[00:36:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie leaves their own comment in the same post as well and says I should have known better.

[00:36:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I knew my husband did his fair share of sleeping around before we were married when he was in his 20s and early 30s.

[00:36:37] [SPEAKER_00]: He was even engaged once before we met and he admitted to me that the relationship fell apart because they both cheated on each other.

[00:36:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But they were young and dumb in his words.

[00:36:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He seemed to be done with all of that when we met.

[00:36:49] [SPEAKER_00]: He was forthcoming about it, didn't seem proud of some of the stuff he had done

[00:36:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and seemed mature and like he wasn't interested in sleeping around anymore.

[00:36:57] [SPEAKER_00]: People that have known him for a long time, long before I ever met him, would make comments about how I tamed him.

[00:37:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I should have been more cautious given this information but he never gave me any reason to believe that he was interested in any of that anymore.

[00:37:10] [SPEAKER_00]: He's never given any indication that he's not interested in me, even through four pregnancies in seven years.

[00:37:17] [SPEAKER_00]: If anything, it felt like he just loved me more and more.

[00:37:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like our loves were just growing and becoming deeper and I never felt neglected by him in any way so I never suspected anything could be going on.

[00:37:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I still don't know exactly what's going on and it's driving me crazy.

[00:37:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I just know that I didn't imagine those texts.

[00:37:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Based on what was said, it had to have been a physical thing.

[00:37:39] [SPEAKER_00]: When somebody is saying they miss your cock, what else could they mean?

[00:37:43] [SPEAKER_00]: The OP does update the post and they said,

[00:37:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I recently posted about seeing sexually explicit text on my husband's phone.

[00:37:49] [SPEAKER_00]: That's all I saw before he snatched the phone from where it was sitting.

[00:37:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't going through his phone or snooping, it was just laying on the arm of the couch

[00:37:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and I glanced over when I saw messages pop up.

[00:37:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely did not expect to see anything like that.

[00:38:02] [SPEAKER_00]: He tried to tell me I was being paranoid and nothing was going on.

[00:38:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Believe me, I tried desperately to think of any innocent reason

[00:38:09] [SPEAKER_00]: but I would have seen those texts pop up on his phone.

[00:38:12] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't take long to realize there is no innocent explanation.

[00:38:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Luckily, I followed some advice here and logged into his forgotten iPad.

[00:38:21] [SPEAKER_00]: He rarely ever uses it.

[00:38:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I saw the text that I had seen flash on his screen and a lot more than just that.

[00:38:27] [SPEAKER_00]: It seems like after she sent him a message about two months ago,

[00:38:30] [SPEAKER_00]: he told her to not contact him again.

[00:38:32] [SPEAKER_00]: He could have blocked her if he was serious about it right?

[00:38:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Eventually, he started talking to her and their conversations have been going on

[00:38:38] [SPEAKER_00]: pretty regularly since then and they're almost entirely sexually explicit conversations.

[00:38:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Where on earth did this lady come from?

[00:38:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I doubt she randomly texted my husband's number by chance.

[00:38:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I confronted him with undeniable proof that I had seen messages and he eventually admitted

[00:38:55] [SPEAKER_00]: it's a woman he met while on a business trip

[00:38:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and that they were only together a few times but then she started texting him.

[00:39:02] [SPEAKER_00]: He slipped and said, normally I don't give them my...

[00:39:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Then he realized what he was saying.

[00:39:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Admitted to me that normally he doesn't give random women he hooks up with his phone number.

[00:39:12] [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't say the full thing but that's what he was about to say.

[00:39:15] [SPEAKER_00]: He was flustered.

[00:39:16] [SPEAKER_00]: He couldn't believe I was smart enough to look at the iPad

[00:39:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and that he hadn't thought about that.

[00:39:21] [SPEAKER_00]: He still wouldn't admit that there's been anyone more than this one woman.

[00:39:24] [SPEAKER_00]: He says he's not in love with her, there's no feelings.

[00:39:27] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just been flirting and sexting and he got carried away.

[00:39:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't just pack my bags and leave.

[00:39:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I have four little kids so I told him to leave at least for now.

[00:39:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm disgusted.

[00:39:38] [SPEAKER_00]: He begged to stay and to fix things but I refused to talk to him.

[00:39:42] [SPEAKER_00]: He's staying at a hotel right now.

[00:39:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I almost can't function.

[00:39:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to smash all of his belongings.

[00:39:48] [SPEAKER_00]: One second I'm enraged and the next I'm sad and blaming myself.

[00:39:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I know this sounds pathetic but I don't want to be a single mum of four kids under seven.

[00:39:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be married to him right now either.

[00:40:00] [SPEAKER_00]: And obviously the comments picked up on him slipping up his words there and saying,

[00:40:05] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, this probably isn't the first affair partner.

[00:40:08] [SPEAKER_00]: You need to get STD checks and you need to get your ducks in a row.

[00:40:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Get yourself a lawyer and get this sorted where you can

[00:40:15] [SPEAKER_00]: It's got to be incredibly hard to deal with to find that out.

[00:40:20] [SPEAKER_00]: For your children as well to think about what they're going to go through

[00:40:23] [SPEAKER_00]: in the upcoming days, months, years possibly.

[00:40:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's got to be a scary thought isn't it?

[00:40:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Having four children and being on your own to raise them.

[00:40:33] [SPEAKER_00]: And I can only wish OP whatever comes your way

[00:40:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and I can only imagine how overwhelming it must feel right now.

[00:40:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish you the very, very best in whatever path you take.

[00:40:44] [SPEAKER_00]: But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:40:47] [SPEAKER_00]: What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:40:50] [SPEAKER_00]: How would you deal with it if it was you?

[00:40:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:40:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's move on to another story.

[00:40:59] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from

[00:41:02] [SPEAKER_00]: TMITheArsehole from Valleys who says,

[00:41:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Would I be the asshole for continuing to wear a swimsuit in a friend's hot tub?

[00:41:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm currently spending the week visiting a couple that I've been friends with

[00:41:13] [SPEAKER_00]: for many years now.

[00:41:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I get on really well with both of them and it's nice to catch up

[00:41:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and spend some time in their part of the country.

[00:41:20] [SPEAKER_00]: They have a nice house and recently added a private hot tub area at the back

[00:41:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and said I was welcome to use it.

[00:41:26] [SPEAKER_00]: It's got a small sauna, a hot tub and an outdoor shower.

[00:41:29] [SPEAKER_00]: It's all enclosed for privacy.

[00:41:31] [SPEAKER_00]: They're fairly open about the fact that they use it naked.

[00:41:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I know they've visited European spas where swimwear isn't allowed and stuff.

[00:41:39] [SPEAKER_00]: They're not naturists but they just prefer to not wear anything in spas.

[00:41:44] [SPEAKER_00]: They've got some little jokey signs up in the spa area about being nude and

[00:41:47] [SPEAKER_00]: another about etiquette like showering before getting in the hot tub

[00:41:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and sitting on a towel in the sauna etc.

[00:41:54] [SPEAKER_00]: But one of the etiquette rules said that swimwear was not allowed and I ignored that.

[00:41:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I get that's their thing but it's not something I wanted to do so I wore my swimsuit.

[00:42:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I left it to dry with the towels which they noticed and asked if I'd worn it.

[00:42:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I told them that I had and they told me that it wasn't appropriate because they don't allow swimwear.

[00:42:13] [SPEAKER_00]: For me it just felt weird to get naked because it's just a preference and anyway

[00:42:18] [SPEAKER_00]: no one was around when I used it so I didn't feel the need to follow that particular rule.

[00:42:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I followed all the others.

[00:42:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I said I just don't want to be out there naked and have someone come along and see me.

[00:42:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I said I'd do it if they promised not to also use it while I am or

[00:42:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't mind them being naked but I'd rather have something on.

[00:42:35] [SPEAKER_00]: They both said it's not a big deal to be naked in a spa and that if I used it when they are out

[00:42:41] [SPEAKER_00]: or working then it's unlikely either of them will come out at the same time as me

[00:42:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but they won't promise to give me private use.

[00:42:49] [SPEAKER_00]: They are saying as it's their house I should respect their rules and

[00:42:52] [SPEAKER_00]: use it without my swimsuit but they're basically saying I can't object if

[00:42:57] [SPEAKER_00]: they come and join me while I'm naked.

[00:42:59] [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't a superheated argument just a debate about the principle.

[00:43:02] [SPEAKER_00]: They told me I shouldn't use it if I'm not willing to do so nude and accept that

[00:43:07] [SPEAKER_00]: they may also want to use it at the same time.

[00:43:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Would I be the asshole if I ignore them and just keep wearing my swimsuit when I use it?

[00:43:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So people were asking OP questions and OP replied with relevant information

[00:43:20] [SPEAKER_00]: so someone said where are they from?

[00:43:22] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says she is from the Netherlands and this is happening in Wales in the UK.

[00:43:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I said I'd be more comfortable if they let me use it privately at first but she

[00:43:32] [SPEAKER_00]: wouldn't agree to that if it was when they usually use it.

[00:43:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked if I can wear a swimsuit with them at first and she didn't agree to that either.

[00:43:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Just said I could practice during the day while they're out which seems rude.

[00:43:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone says could it be for health and safety reasons?

[00:43:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Ultimately you're not entitled to use their spa especially if you don't follow their rules.

[00:43:51] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says this is a fair point and others have mentioned that there is more to it than just a cultural preference.

[00:43:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be the asshole here and in fairness I've had to use it myself

[00:44:00] [SPEAKER_00]: two times when they weren't home.

[00:44:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll try it now without a swimsuit and later I'll speak to them when they're home

[00:44:07] [SPEAKER_00]: about why they have the rule.

[00:44:09] [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't speak too much about why the first time and more about the logistics of it.

[00:44:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I'm not sure if this is just a cultural thing.

[00:44:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I know in the UK you can go in a spa in your swimsuit but I know from personal experience

[00:44:24] [SPEAKER_00]: when the last company that I was with we was going to Germany for our Christmas

[00:44:29] [SPEAKER_00]: work outing where folks from China, the folks from the US and us we all met in Frankfurt in Germany

[00:44:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we were going to the Christmas markets and was going to spend some time together

[00:44:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and there was talk about visiting like a spa in Germany

[00:44:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and I already had a bit of an inkling that it's sort of like a faux pas to

[00:44:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to wear swimsuits and it's even you know against the rules in some spas to

[00:44:50] [SPEAKER_00]: to wear a swimsuit and I just thought nah that's not for me you know

[00:44:53] [SPEAKER_00]: especially with work colleagues there's no way you're going to catch me butt bollock naked

[00:44:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and I got nothing against it absolutely fair play to you if you enjoy going to a spa and you know

[00:45:04] [SPEAKER_00]: naked and you don't mind being naked and all that kind of stuff that's more power to you you know

[00:45:09] [SPEAKER_00]: but you're not going to catch me in the nip in a spa no chance

[00:45:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but East Practice says if I understand correctly some people don't want swimsuits

[00:45:18] [SPEAKER_00]: in their hot tubs because of water quality contaminants from your suit affect the water

[00:45:23] [SPEAKER_00]: sunscreen lotions laundry soap and anything from where ever you use at last gets in the water

[00:45:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and causes them headaches if that is the situation then yes you're the asshole

[00:45:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I completely understand your discomfort and reasoning but the easy answer is

[00:45:37] [SPEAKER_00]: just don't use their hot tub. SFX says you're the asshole everyone calling these people creepy

[00:45:43] [SPEAKER_00]: need to chill this is a thing and they are not just trying to get you naked

[00:45:47] [SPEAKER_00]: at any korean spa for instance it is common courtesy to rinse off before doing anything

[00:45:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and you cannot under any circumstances enter any of the hot tubs or cold plunge pools

[00:45:57] [SPEAKER_00]: saunas etc wearing a swimsuit or anything else the staff will stop you this is the case at

[00:46:03] [SPEAKER_00]: many other gender segregated spas as well it's not just a cultural norm for koreans

[00:46:08] [SPEAKER_00]: for reasons others have mentioned it is less sanitary to wear clothing in hot tubs and pools

[00:46:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and unless you use a lot more chemicals which is considered by some people to be unpleasant

[00:46:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and less healthy it's not your fault you're not accustomed to it and you're not obligated

[00:46:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to do it but they're not being crazy or unreasonable. SXSW says not the asshole I

[00:46:28] [SPEAKER_00]: get their house their rules but I also think someone being more cautious is fine basically

[00:46:32] [SPEAKER_00]: go to the level of the first person's discomfort they shouldn't insist you be naked

[00:46:37] [SPEAKER_00]: that is weird and invasive particularly in the US if that's where you are there's no hygiene

[00:46:42] [SPEAKER_00]: reason I know of where swimsuits would cause a problem happy to be enlightened if I'm wrong

[00:46:47] [SPEAKER_00]: of course I do think that if you wanted to insist other people not be naked you can't you can opt

[00:46:53] [SPEAKER_00]: not to join them of course but if the general attitude at the host places nudity and you're

[00:46:58] [SPEAKER_00]: not comfortable with that that's on you to manage but they don't get to insist you undress

[00:47:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Suzy Q says I wouldn't bother with the am I the asshole post at all I'd be leaving there

[00:47:09] [SPEAKER_00]: is no health or equipment maintenance reason to not wear a swimsuit this is them being

[00:47:13] [SPEAKER_00]: weird and pretentious trying to emulate some european vibe that doesn't always align

[00:47:17] [SPEAKER_00]: with social norms in other places they don't get to demand nudity from you not the asshole

[00:47:23] [SPEAKER_00]: the OP first updates with a small update and says I did use the spa again today

[00:47:27] [SPEAKER_00]: when they were both at work but kept my swimsuit on my friends are definitely not

[00:47:31] [SPEAKER_00]: sexual predators it's kind of wild how many people jumped to that conclusion

[00:47:35] [SPEAKER_00]: but so many people said check for cameras and I thought you never know had a good look

[00:47:40] [SPEAKER_00]: around and there's nothing pretty much no way to see into the spa either so I wanted to

[00:47:45] [SPEAKER_00]: They came home from work and didn't say anything about it and I didn't leave my

[00:47:49] [SPEAKER_00]: suit out to dry so they clearly have no idea I used it again while wearing it

[00:47:53] [SPEAKER_00]: She is Dutch but she hasn't lived there in a while so I was being a bit more stubborn because

[00:47:58] [SPEAKER_00]: we're not in the Netherlands and kind of wanted to make a point about the swimsuit but

[00:48:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen plenty of comments about it being unhygienic and unsafe which

[00:48:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I hadn't considered before I think perhaps on reflection I was being a bit defensive and

[00:48:12] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just a different culture they're great people and I wouldn't want to ruin a friendship

[00:48:16] [SPEAKER_00]: so we'll speak to them tomorrow six days later OP updates again and says the post got way more

[00:48:21] [SPEAKER_00]: attention than I was expecting and some of the comments are wild so I wanted to put an

[00:48:27] [SPEAKER_00]: update to say how the rest of the week went firstly they weren't trying to do anything sexual

[00:48:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and there were no cameras before anyone asks yes I did check for the sake of being able to

[00:48:37] [SPEAKER_00]: There was nothing in my room, the bathroom or outside by the spa. A redditor sent me an article about

[00:48:43] [SPEAKER_00]: it and a link to an app for detecting them so I'm as sure as I can be that the place wasn't

[00:48:48] [SPEAKER_00]: bugged. I28female have known them 26female 29male for seven years she's from the Netherlands

[00:48:54] [SPEAKER_00]: originally and he used to live there but we are currently in Wales I've stayed with him

[00:48:59] [SPEAKER_00]: before but the spa is new since my last visit as some of you have stated I would be the

[00:49:04] [SPEAKER_00]: best friend of the two so I tried it out at Sand Swimsuit while they were out at work and

[00:49:09] [SPEAKER_00]: that went fine. Obviously felt odd at first but nothing too scary and I can see the appeal

[00:49:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and reasons for going without. I spoke to 26female that evening and we sat down so I

[00:49:20] [SPEAKER_00]: could ask why they have the nudity rule besides it not being a big deal to them.

[00:49:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Not mentioning Reddit thanks to the hundreds of accusations against their character on here.

[00:49:29] [SPEAKER_00]: She was very understanding and I think we communicated a lot better than the first time

[00:49:33] [SPEAKER_00]: discussed. She explained that the main reason they chose to spend money on it was so they could

[00:49:38] [SPEAKER_00]: have somewhere here that they could use without swimwear. I understand that it isn't for everybody

[00:49:43] [SPEAKER_00]: but they brought it for them not for anyone else. She said people here have plenty of

[00:49:47] [SPEAKER_00]: options if they want to visit a spa in swimwear and basically I don't have to use

[00:49:52] [SPEAKER_00]: their stuff if I don't want to be naked. They had mainly two issues. One, she felt it was

[00:49:58] [SPEAKER_00]: rude the way I'd asked before to use it whenever I wanted and that they would have to

[00:50:02] [SPEAKER_00]: work around my schedule which is apparently how I made it sound. I did apologize for the way

[00:50:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I came across. Two, she also made a point that it was not appropriate that I suggested

[00:50:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I stayed closed while her husband was naked in there. I said it caught me off guard as I

[00:50:17] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't expecting it to apply to guests. I just assumed it was that they wanted to be nude

[00:50:22] [SPEAKER_00]: but wouldn't expect me to be also. Apparently the spas they use in Netherlands require that

[00:50:27] [SPEAKER_00]: everybody be naked to use the saunas and balls etc. Even the changing rooms of mixed

[00:50:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and you just wear a dressing gown in the restaurant. Most will have a couple of swimwear days where

[00:50:37] [SPEAKER_00]: the opposite applies and swimwear is mandatory. So it's an all or nothing thing which makes it

[00:50:42] [SPEAKER_00]: fair for everyone but they just objected to me coming in with them with a swimsuit on.

[00:50:47] [SPEAKER_00]: She said it's better for you and the equipment to be naked especially more hygienic

[00:50:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and easier to maintain for them. She explained how important it is to use the shower before

[00:50:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and when moving between the hot tub and sauna as well as to dry off and sit on a towel when

[00:51:00] [SPEAKER_00]: in the sauna. Just lots of info that I didn't really have any idea of before.

[00:51:05] [SPEAKER_00]: They were happy to agree times that I could use it alone but I assumed I understood that during

[00:51:09] [SPEAKER_00]: the day when they were out was the time that they had suggested so I could have privacy.

[00:51:14] [SPEAKER_00]: She said if I want to use it in the evening said I could just check with them and agree

[00:51:18] [SPEAKER_00]: separate times so no one intrudes on each other and that they'd never have barged in

[00:51:22] [SPEAKER_00]: without checking that I was either not there or that I was covered up if they thought I was

[00:51:26] [SPEAKER_00]: it nude. I then asked whether I could have worn one of my swimsuits if it was washed appropriately

[00:51:31] [SPEAKER_00]: so as not to cause issues for them cleaning the hot tub and she said that would be fine

[00:51:35] [SPEAKER_00]: if I really didn't want to be naked. She didn't recommend wearing a swimsuit in the sauna

[00:51:40] [SPEAKER_00]: but said I could go in wrapped in a towel if I wanted to be covered up.

[00:51:44] [SPEAKER_00]: She said she didn't mind me joining her while she used it naked but that I should just ask

[00:51:49] [SPEAKER_00]: 29mail if he minded that because she would find it weird if one of his male friends

[00:51:53] [SPEAKER_00]: wanted to come in when she was naked but insisted on being dressed. She suggested that

[00:51:58] [SPEAKER_00]: they could put some swimwear in the wash so we can all use it together before I leave

[00:52:01] [SPEAKER_00]: if I really wasn't comfortable with the nudity which was kind of her.

[00:52:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I owned up to using it again wearing my swimsuit and we laughed it off.

[00:52:09] [SPEAKER_00]: She just didn't get why I cared because they weren't even home.

[00:52:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I did then say I tried again without and wouldn't mind trying it again with her.

[00:52:16] [SPEAKER_00]: She and I went in together without swimsuits and she just kind of reassured me that I

[00:52:19] [SPEAKER_00]: need to be self-conscious or anything and to take my time.

[00:52:23] [SPEAKER_00]: On the last night I built up the courage to go in with both of them.

[00:52:26] [SPEAKER_00]: It was completely platonic before anyone asks. Scary at first but also exhilarating.

[00:52:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I was definitely making a big effort to maintain eye contact but 29mail was very respectful

[00:52:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and I felt at ease with them in the end. I didn't forget that I was naked or anything

[00:52:40] [SPEAKER_00]: but after a little while I was just okay with it which I wasn't expecting to happen so fast.

[00:52:44] [SPEAKER_00]: So no big drama in the end and while the thought of nudity in front of others still

[00:52:48] [SPEAKER_00]: makes me feel uncomfortable I'm very glad that I gave this a go.

[00:52:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks to everyone who offered their advice and support to this first time nude spar goer.

[00:52:57] [SPEAKER_00]: And I think the comments after this one were a little bit mixed up like some people still

[00:53:02] [SPEAKER_00]: latching onto the like the insistence of you know be naked or nothing.

[00:53:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Other people saying that communication wins the day here but what do you guys make of

[00:53:14] [SPEAKER_00]: this situation? What would you do if it was you?

[00:53:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:53:22] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from throwaway account that was titled

[00:53:25] [SPEAKER_00]: My Late Husband Had A Son He Never Told Me About. Now My Daughter Wants To Know Her Brother.

[00:53:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Before we get into this story I do want to give you some warnings at

[00:53:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Kanaan's talk of death, bullying, childhood trauma, child neglect and child abandonment.

[00:53:39] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you do want to skip the story please feel free to do so.

[00:53:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below.

[00:53:47] [SPEAKER_00]: My life was turned upside down last month when I was informed of my husband's death

[00:53:51] [SPEAKER_00]: in a work related accident. This would of course be hard enough to cope with but shortly

[00:53:56] [SPEAKER_00]: after before the funeral a young man came to my house, claiming to be my late husband's son.

[00:54:02] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband didn't speak a word about him to me. He claimed to have not known about me

[00:54:07] [SPEAKER_00]: or either of my daughters, 12 and 8, until he was notified by my husband's death and

[00:54:12] [SPEAKER_00]: found the obituary in the online version of our local paper.

[00:54:16] [SPEAKER_00]: The young man was 18 and must have been born before I met my husband.

[00:54:20] [SPEAKER_00]: He also claimed his own mother died years ago and was never to his memory

[00:54:23] [SPEAKER_00]: in a relationship with my husband. To the boy's existence is not proof of

[00:54:27] [SPEAKER_00]: infidelity on my husband's part. However, I still feel just as betrayed.

[00:54:32] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband never breathed a word of him to me.

[00:54:34] [SPEAKER_00]: This boy lives in the UK where my husband sometimes worked. I lived in the US and he

[00:54:40] [SPEAKER_00]: travelled a lot in his line of work and I can't help but wonder, how many other secret children

[00:54:44] [SPEAKER_00]: did he have? How many times did my husband visit this boy and never told me about it?

[00:54:50] [SPEAKER_00]: What else was he not telling me? This boy had pictures with himself and my husband at

[00:54:54] [SPEAKER_00]: various ages. He says he was brought up at a boarding school and my husband visited him

[00:55:00] [SPEAKER_00]: though I very much want to, have no reason to doubt his story.

[00:55:04] [SPEAKER_00]: The boy asks to come to the funeral. I want to say no but I feel like I have no right.

[00:55:10] [SPEAKER_00]: My kids see me talking to this stranger and poke their heads in asking what's going on.

[00:55:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Before I can stop him, the boy introduces himself to them as their half brother.

[00:55:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Now not only do I have to figure out how to cope with all this information myself,

[00:55:23] [SPEAKER_00]: but I also have to find some way to explain it to my children.

[00:55:26] [SPEAKER_00]: My 8 year old doesn't seem to get the full implications of her father keeping this kind

[00:55:30] [SPEAKER_00]: of secret from us all but my 12 year old is clearly upset although she won't talk about

[00:55:35] [SPEAKER_00]: it with me. At the funeral, the boy had kind of lurked in the corner but when lunch was

[00:55:40] [SPEAKER_00]: served afterwards he approached both of my girls and was playing games like tag with my

[00:55:44] [SPEAKER_00]: 8 year old and some of her friends who joined in. I didn't think this was appropriate

[00:55:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and when I told him so he apologized and said he did it to raise her spirits.

[00:55:52] [SPEAKER_00]: That's what people did for him when his mother died to cheer him up. Something about his

[00:55:56] [SPEAKER_00]: answer irked me and I got the impression he was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for

[00:56:01] [SPEAKER_00]: him and using my children to do it. My mum and my sister came over to help me after I got

[00:56:06] [SPEAKER_00]: the news about my husband. Of course, I talked to them about what was going on and they were

[00:56:11] [SPEAKER_00]: shocked. My mum brought up the point that the boy might be after money. All of our important

[00:56:16] [SPEAKER_00]: assets were in both of our names and I am the only beneficiary of his life insurance policy.

[00:56:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I was not sure what could happen if he tried to sue. I asked the boy frankly if money is what

[00:56:25] [SPEAKER_00]: he was after and he said no, I couldn't take any of your money, you have kids to take care of.

[00:56:31] [SPEAKER_00]: It irked me the way he said that as though I was offering money and he was trying to show

[00:56:35] [SPEAKER_00]: how good he was by turning it down. It felt as though he expected me to give it to him anyway.

[00:56:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked the boy what he wanted and he said he wanted to get to know my children because

[00:56:46] [SPEAKER_00]: they are his sisters. In my opinion, they might be his sisters but he's a stranger to them

[00:56:51] [SPEAKER_00]: regardless of biological relation. Apparently at the funeral he told my 8 year old he was going

[00:56:56] [SPEAKER_00]: to ask me if he could take my girls to the aquarium and so that got our hopes up about it

[00:57:01] [SPEAKER_00]: before I could even make a decision. I said yes, only if my mum or sister went with them

[00:57:06] [SPEAKER_00]: because I wasn't about to let my girls go with a strange man no matter what. Over the

[00:57:17] [SPEAKER_00]: chaperone every time. I agreed to this and it was helpful because it gave me a chance to

[00:57:21] [SPEAKER_00]: break down and cry to my mum without the girls around. When he left and my 8 year old hugged

[00:57:26] [SPEAKER_00]: him and told him not to go and he said I promise I'll come visit again, I stepped in

[00:57:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and said no, I think it would be best if you didn't come back here. He looked hurt and

[00:57:36] [SPEAKER_00]: my 8 year old cried but was sick of him promising things without getting approval.

[00:57:41] [SPEAKER_00]: She thinks it's a cool mystery like from a TV show that she had a secret brother and she

[00:57:45] [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't realise how disturbing it is that her father hid his existence. My sister asked me

[00:57:50] [SPEAKER_00]: later why I told him not to come back and I told her I think the whole thing is weird.

[00:57:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know this boy or his real intentions, he could be some kind of weirdo trying to get

[00:58:00] [SPEAKER_00]: my girls alone. My sister says I judged without ever getting to know him and he seems like a

[00:58:05] [SPEAKER_00]: very sweet young man. He grew up mostly without a family and he could have been jealous

[00:58:10] [SPEAKER_00]: that my girls got all his fathers attention but instead he wanted to connect with them.

[00:58:15] [SPEAKER_00]: My opinion is that even if those are his intentions and he's totally innocent,

[00:58:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I still don't want him around my home or my girls. To me he is just proof that my husband

[00:58:24] [SPEAKER_00]: lied to me for years and it makes me sick to look at him. My girls don't need this drama

[00:58:29] [SPEAKER_00]: either and even my 8 year old is going to be traumatised once she is old enough to realise

[00:58:34] [SPEAKER_00]: how much her dad was hiding. Me and my girls don't owe him anything. My sis says that

[00:58:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to want him in my life but I don't have the right to deny the girls their

[00:58:44] [SPEAKER_00]: She pointed out social workers do everything they can to avoid separating siblings because of the

[00:58:49] [SPEAKER_00]: drama. I said it's not the same thing because my girls have only known this brother for a week.

[00:58:54] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister said it's also important because my girls brother is the only person they know

[00:58:59] [SPEAKER_00]: of their culture. My husband was like 1 8th Hawaiian dressed white and asian. So the girls

[00:59:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and their brother are like 1 16th and the boy appears to be white and my daughters and I

[00:59:10] [SPEAKER_00]: So the boy was raised in the UK and he isn't part of Hawaiian culture and honestly I think

[00:59:16] [SPEAKER_00]: culture is something natural and not something to force because of your genetics. My girls

[00:59:21] [SPEAKER_00]: don't live in Hawaii, they live in Oregon so that is their culture, not black culture

[00:59:26] [SPEAKER_00]: or Hawaiian culture. I don't force myself or my girls to participate in African culture

[00:59:31] [SPEAKER_00]: just because of our genetics. I thought my 8 year old would get over her brother

[00:59:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and she did go several weeks without asking about him but yesterday she asked about him again.

[00:59:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel bad about ever allowing him to go anywhere together and bond. I wish I'd handled

[00:59:46] [SPEAKER_00]: the whole thing differently and now I don't know how to explain this situation to my kids.

[00:59:51] [SPEAKER_00]: My 12 year old hasn't asked about her brother but she has been extremely closed off since

[00:59:55] [SPEAKER_00]: her father's death and I don't know how this issue might be complicating what she's feeling.

[01:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I just need outside opinions to know what to do about this. Now of course I don't think

[01:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: he's the asshole for wanting to protect their children, for being worried that a stranger has

[01:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: stepped into their life and you know is saying I'll take you to places and all this kind of thing.

[01:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I can understand why you'd be worried about that but another part of me is absolutely

[01:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: heartbroken for this boy at the same time. He has no family now. When he found out that

[01:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: those sisters are all he has left I can't imagine what he must have felt in that moment

[01:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: then I wonder about as the kids get older are they going to start asking about this brother

[01:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and what will they say when you said you've turned him away. That could cause some resentment as

[01:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: well once they start to understand the situation and what happened with your husband and the

[01:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: husband hiding him from your side of the family etc. And of course there could be some

[01:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: wild twist that's going to come up and completely throw this story out as you know

[01:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: reddit sometimes does. He sounds like a nice guy who's trying to get to know his sisters

[01:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and as he's had no family in the past which again I know is not easy for OP. They're grieving.

[01:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot going on here so to have a new person come into your life with all this

[01:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: backstory as well is gonna totally throw you out. I get it and I get that he's overstepping

[01:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: some boundaries etc and I just kind of think is there a way to talk to this guy, introduce

[01:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: him in a healthy way, maybe set up these boundaries, maybe get your children into therapy

[01:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: you and talk about what's been going on, find out their thoughts and feelings on the matter.

[01:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I know they're young but you know they still have their thoughts and feelings.

[01:01:34] [SPEAKER_00]: There was a few comments calling OP and A-hole saying you know she needed to allow her

[01:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: daughters to see their brother and some people saying why haven't you got a DNA test on this

[01:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and OP said I thought about maybe asking the boy about a DNA test but I don't know what it

[01:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: would achieve. I don't want him in my life or my daughter's life either way and even if

[01:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: the DNA test became back negative it would only raise more questions. I don't know if

[01:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: it'd open up any legal troubles where now I owe the boy money from my husband's estate

[01:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: if it comes up positive. There was a comment going down a different line thinking about

[01:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: he might be lying and trying to scam OP which said I'm going with not the asshole,

[01:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: call me a skeptic but get a DNA test first. Something about this entire situation

[01:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: sounds fishy, wouldn't even have let my kids hang out with him. The way he phrases

[01:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: answers does sound manipulative. What people did for him when his mum died, he didn't need

[01:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: to convey this information to you during your husband's funeral but he did. The way he

[01:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: phrased it sounds like he's trying to make you feel bad or trying to establish boundaries

[01:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and yes it sounds like he's trying to guilt trip and gaslight you, making you

[01:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: feel like you are crazy and paranoid. Further, he didn't outright reject your money,

[01:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: he phrased it yet again in a way that he's fishing for a longer haul.

[01:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: He could have easily said no I don't want your money but instead he said no I couldn't

[01:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: take any of your money. See the difference? And the moment you let him into your and your

[01:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: kids lives he's been persistently around. Offering to take your kids out without you

[01:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: or any adults being present indicates a possibility he's manipulating your young

[01:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: child to get what he wants. The appropriate approach would have been to ask you as

[01:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: the parent is fine with him taking your kids out. He has now heavily inserted himself in you

[01:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: kids lives, all through your children. You need to start asking questions, alarm bells are ringing

[01:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: in my head. OP did reply to those posts talking about it being a scam and said by the comments

[01:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: alerting me to how this might be a scam attempt to have opened my eyes. I didn't want to

[01:03:33] [SPEAKER_00]: introduce this stranger to my kids but when he showed up to deliver such shocking news my

[01:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: children came in and asked what was going on. He introduced himself before I think about how

[01:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: to tell my children. He asked if he could show up to the funeral and I felt like I couldn't

[01:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: say no to that but then used it as an in with my children. He offered to them behind my back

[01:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: to take them somewhere so then I felt like I would be the bad guy if I said no. It rubbed

[01:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: me the wrong way but I brushed it off. I was in a vulnerable state not thinking clearly and

[01:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: he took advantage of that. I should have trusted in my instinct from the beginning.

[01:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: The idea that there could be scammers that prey on grieving families is just horrible

[01:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and I had no idea of such a thing. I've contacted my lawyer to figure out how to

[01:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: establish if there is any truth in his story and what my legal obligations are to the boy.

[01:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to have a long talk with my sister to see if during their outings he had done

[01:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: any kind of prying that might have led him learning information about my family that he

[01:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: could use somehow. I'm already in the process of getting therapy for my children

[01:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and myself. People have been saying a lot of nasty things about me and I don't think

[01:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to get much more productive input on this so this is going to be my last post

[01:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: on the topic. I considered taking the post down but I decided to leave it up so people can be

[01:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: aware that scammers operate like this, that they can be so good at what they do that even

[01:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: hundreds of third party outsiders will take the scam aside. In hindsight I can't believe

[01:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't see it and I cannot believe I let such a person step foot into my home or

[01:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: even speak to my children. Apparently the goal was not to ask for money right away,

[01:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: just to get close to me and my children and ask me for money later for a fake emergency.

[01:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Other commenters elaborated on how it works. If my daughter asks me about her brother again,

[01:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll have to tell her she was tricked. I don't want to do that to her unless I'm completely

[01:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: sure so I most likely will be asking the boy for a DNA test, birth certificate etc. However

[01:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: not until I have the chance to speak to a lawyer. Just over a month later Opo updates and

[01:05:32] [SPEAKER_00]: says I was wrong and I was the arsehole. My husband's son, I wasn't trying to demean him

[01:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: calling him the boy, was avoiding using names, was telling the truth. My husband's name wasn't on

[01:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: his birth certificate but the DNA test did show he was related to my kids. He also had more

[01:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: photos, cards and voicemails, tons of evidence to prove that my husband did keep regular contact

[01:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: with him. Apparently the son's grandparents were his legal guardians. My husband occasionally

[01:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: gave them cash as under the table child support. I did notice that husbands sometimes

[01:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: made large withdrawals when he went overseas. He said it was because shops there don't take his

[01:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: card. I wanted to believe it was a scam because I thought it made more sense than the husband

[01:06:13] [SPEAKER_00]: having lied. Talking to my husband's son a bit more revealed he'd been lying to him too.

[01:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Apparently he told him he was a cowboy and a pro football player. Then when son googled

[01:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: him he switched to saying he was a gangster who had done prison time. Needless to say,

[01:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: none of that is remotely true. I can't fathom what could possess him to behave this way.

[01:06:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Lying to me, lying to his kid, not raising his kid. I'm questioning everything husband

[01:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: ever told me and I'm wondering if it was me who died or if he abandoned our kids as well.

[01:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel horrible for that boy. I'm in therapy and working on ways to cope and forgive husband

[01:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: for my own peace of mind. He's helped me work out why I reacted to my husband's son

[01:06:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought he was manipulating me and my kids but what I actually sensed was that he wanted

[01:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: something from me and my kids. I felt like me and my daughters were not in the place to give

[01:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: anything emotional or financially. So I recoiled from him, but that doesn't mean he's a threat.

[01:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: My kids went to therapy as well. 12 year old has weekly sessions however my 8 year old

[01:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: hated it so I've pulled her out for now. Many people have shared their own stories of

[01:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: being separated from biorelations and the effect it had on them. I don't understand it because

[01:07:27] [SPEAKER_00]: genes don't mean that much to me however I don't have to understand to respect it.

[01:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I personally don't feel like I'm in a place to have any kind of relationship with my husband's

[01:07:35] [SPEAKER_00]: son and I don't think he wants one with me. He now appears scared of me which I do feel

[01:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: bad about. I wasn't trying to hurt him or scare him but I will allow him to visit sometime

[01:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: if my girls want to see him. I disagree to continue to supervise. As far as money goes

[01:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: the lawyer advised me that there aren't many assets that son is entitled to because they were

[01:07:55] [SPEAKER_00]: in both my and my husbands name. Except for a few investment accounts that were only in my

[01:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: husbands name. Thankfully not where the majority of our savings are. I know people think I'm an

[01:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: evil witch for caring about money but I need it to feed, clothe and educate my own children.

[01:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Hopey continued their posts in step parents and says I don't feel like I really count as

[01:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: a step parent. I don't know if I'm in the right place for this. When I went to other subs

[01:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: it felt like an angry mob and I'm hoping people here might be able to relate to

[01:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: some of the things I'm going through. I didn't know my husband had a son until after I became

[01:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: a widow. His son is 18 and lives in the UK where my husband regularly visited him without

[01:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: telling me. My husband apparently kept our family, myself and my two daughters 13 and 18,

[01:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: a secret from his son as well. The son found out about us after my husband died

[01:08:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and showed up at my door to introduce himself. I didn't handle it well at the time. I was

[01:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: a little bit in the fog and not prepared to process anything let alone the fact that my

[01:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: husband had been hiding a secret of such magnitude from me. I let him get close to my daughters but

[01:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: when he said he would come back to visit I reacted negatively and told him not to come back.

[01:09:03] [SPEAKER_00]: After talking things through with my mother and sister I realized that I didn't have the

[01:09:06] [SPEAKER_00]: right to keep my daughters from their brother if they wanted a relationship with him. I reached

[01:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: out to the boy to confirm his story and decide on a time to visit. It was supposed

[01:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: to be late next month. My sister was supposed to come out and help me and supervise all

[01:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: interactions between my children and their brother because I am not mentally prepared

[01:09:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to be around him and I am not sure I ever will be. Even though I know my feelings

[01:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: are irrational, I honestly want nothing to do with this boy. I know my husband's behaviour

[01:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: is not his fault and that he is a victim too but even just looking at his face is

[01:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: a reminder that my husband lied to me for our entire relationship. If I had known he had a

[01:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: child I might have chosen a different life. I got pregnant in college with my oldest.

[01:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: He was older with a stable job and able to provide for me and my child. He made all

[01:09:52] [SPEAKER_00]: these promises. He'd take care of me, he'd take care of our baby, he'd help me get

[01:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: through college, he'd help be the good father he never had and he already had a child

[01:09:59] [SPEAKER_00]: he wasn't raising. God. If I had known that I might have had an abortion and walked away.

[01:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I fell in love with him when he said those things and now I feel like the person

[01:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I fell in love with never even existed. I don't know if he ever loved me or our kids.

[01:10:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if he was playing a game with us or using us to build an image.

[01:10:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if he was faithful to me on all those overseas trips. I can't trust

[01:10:22] [SPEAKER_00]: anything he ever told me anymore. None of this is his son's fault. He's innocent,

[01:10:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I know that but even remembering his existence brings up so many feelings I can't deal with.

[01:10:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Which is why my sister said she would help supervise. She played chaperone when

[01:10:37] [SPEAKER_00]: was getting to know my kids. Eventually she said she'd be willing to do it again.

[01:10:41] [SPEAKER_00]: We picked a time and she said she'd be there. Today she tells me she can't do it,

[01:10:45] [SPEAKER_00]: her job is understaffed and she can't get the time off work. My mum can't do it either,

[01:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: she has a surgery coming up and won't be able to travel. My dad will also need to be home

[01:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to take care of her. I'm not going to leave my kids alone with their brother.

[01:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: What my sister suggested. Since he is frankly still a stranger to me and to them,

[01:11:03] [SPEAKER_00]: there might be a 99% chance he has pure intentions but that 1% chance isn't one I'm willing to take.

[01:11:10] [SPEAKER_00]: There are all kinds of stories out there about children being abused by trusted family members.

[01:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So my only options are to cancel the visit, which my kids, especially my 8 year old is

[01:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: looking forward to and I don't want to take away one of the few things they've been able

[01:11:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to feel happily about since my husband died or be chaperone myself. This will also mean

[01:11:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I need to take time off work. I can manage but it's not ideal. I don't think I can do it.

[01:11:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't choose to be a stepmother. I'm sure the boy doesn't really want me as one either.

[01:11:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I apparently scared him when I told him not to come back and when we talked on Zoom.

[01:11:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Since then he acted nervous and flinchy, like he was afraid I was about to hit him or something.

[01:11:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel bad about that as it wasn't my intention. I don't think I can do this.

[01:11:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like the meeting is a disaster waiting to happen, like it's only a matter of time

[01:11:55] [SPEAKER_00]: before I lose my temper and ruin the meeting that my kids have been looking forward to.

[01:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I just have this feeling of dread. I don't know if anyone can help. Maybe it's a long shot.

[01:12:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I have therapy on Tuesday and I hope it'll help me sort things out. I just feel like I can't do

[01:12:09] [SPEAKER_00]: this. It's humiliating to even share this problem with anyone and even if I try to

[01:12:13] [SPEAKER_00]: talk things out with one of the few people I do trust, it's always think about your kids,

[01:12:18] [SPEAKER_00]: think about your husband's son, put yourself in their shoes. People even show more sympathy

[01:12:22] [SPEAKER_00]: for my husband than me. Maybe it was a coping mechanism for his childhood trauma.

[01:12:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe he had a good reason. I'm just burnt out on putting everyone else first and trying to

[01:12:31] [SPEAKER_00]: fill the role of both parents for my kids right now. I feel like it's only so long before I

[01:12:36] [SPEAKER_00]: snap and the rope just got a lot thinner. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

[01:12:42] [SPEAKER_00]: When I posted, I was thrown for the loop and on the verge of a mental breakdown.

[01:12:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't had time to sleep on it. I feel things are going to turn out okay.

[01:12:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll look into some of the suggestions such as professional nanny and babysitting services

[01:12:54] [SPEAKER_00]: go along with them. My sister has also said she may be able to work remotely during those

[01:13:00] [SPEAKER_00]: weeks and be able to supervise while the kids hang out in his hotel room, Mcdonald's library or

[01:13:04] [SPEAKER_00]: somewhere else she can work while watching. Not ideal because it means they would have to

[01:13:08] [SPEAKER_00]: cancel some planned activities. Canceling or postponing the trip would be a last resort.

[01:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I won't make any decision rashly. I'm going to take a few days to think about things,

[01:13:18] [SPEAKER_00]: talk it out with my therapist on Thursday and have a definite answer by Monday.

[01:13:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I've been through worse trials than this.

[01:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I'm stronger than I feel.

[01:13:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate the kindness and civility from this community. I wasn't sure if my posts

[01:13:41] [SPEAKER_00]: belonged here but you all seem more understanding than other subs and are truly appreciated.

[01:13:47] [SPEAKER_00]: And we do have another update in a moment as well. I do want to say I get where OP is

[01:13:50] [SPEAKER_00]: coming from. They're dealing with so many different things going on. You're still dealing

[01:13:55] [SPEAKER_00]: with grief, you're still dealing with your husband pretty much had a second life. Like OP said,

[01:14:01] [SPEAKER_00]: if OP disappeared would he have abandoned their children? Their whole life could have

[01:14:05] [SPEAKER_00]: been a lie. So I understand that OP is like who knows what you're thinking in that particular

[01:14:11] [SPEAKER_00]: situation. You've got that going on. The husband died as well. You're trying to deal

[01:14:14] [SPEAKER_00]: with two children that are dealing with all this themselves and then a son you didn't

[01:14:18] [SPEAKER_00]: know about comes into your life. Of course that's going to absolutely mess you up and

[01:14:24] [SPEAKER_00]: then you need to think about how to navigate that situation. Like I said, of course I absolutely

[01:14:29] [SPEAKER_00]: feel for the son. OP added another update and says I don't think I'm going to post in this

[01:14:34] [SPEAKER_00]: community anymore as I don't really count as a stepparent but I got some kind words from

[01:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: people here previously. I just want to say thank you all for being kind to me and

[01:14:42] [SPEAKER_00]: presenting me with solutions when I was overwhelmed and panicking. And let you all

[01:14:46] [SPEAKER_00]: know how the visit went. He stayed for about one and a half weeks. Before he came over we

[01:14:51] [SPEAKER_00]: talked a few times on Zoom with me, him and his grandparents. I told him my sister was not going

[01:14:56] [SPEAKER_00]: to be able to supervise and I was frank about how apprehensive I was feeling about

[01:15:00] [SPEAKER_00]: being the one to supervise. I don't think he was thrilled about me supervising either.

[01:15:04] [SPEAKER_00]: He knew and felt comfortable with my sister, not me. So the feeling was mutual. But we

[01:15:09] [SPEAKER_00]: decided to go ahead with the visit anyway. We made a few changes in what they had

[01:15:13] [SPEAKER_00]: planned when my sister was going to supervise but not many. We also discussed contingency

[01:15:18] [SPEAKER_00]: plans for if something went wrong and one of us needed space. Just knowing that I would have

[01:15:23] [SPEAKER_00]: that pan out if needed was a huge relief and helped immensely. Overall things went relatively

[01:15:28] [SPEAKER_00]: well. He and I were civil. I got uncomfortable but not to the point where I couldn't cope.

[01:15:33] [SPEAKER_00]: He and my girls got along well, with the exception of one incident when my girls got

[01:15:37] [SPEAKER_00]: into a spat with each other and he tried to intervene which made them both mad at him.

[01:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: But it was quickly resolved after each girl had their time stewing about it.

[01:15:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll say he was good with both of my girls but especially my 8 year old who's been

[01:15:49] [SPEAKER_00]: having a very difficult time lately even before her father died. She's been struggling

[01:15:53] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot with school and trying to find the right treatment for multiple diagnoses.

[01:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: She's been acting out and very easily frustrated for a lot of the adults in her life,

[01:16:02] [SPEAKER_00]: including me I admit. I love her and I do my best but she is difficult sometimes.

[01:16:06] [SPEAKER_00]: But with her brother, it's like they are kindred spirits or something.

[01:16:10] [SPEAKER_00]: He was a proper real trooper acting out scenes from the movie Encanto with her over and over.

[01:16:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I realize it is probably really good for her to have an adult in her life who doesn't want

[01:16:19] [SPEAKER_00]: anything from her except to spend time with her. Before the boy left I gave him a thank

[01:16:24] [SPEAKER_00]: you card expressing this to him and that I genuinely do hope he chooses to stay involved.

[01:16:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Overall it was a positive thing. I'm glad we went ahead with the visit and thank you again

[01:16:34] [SPEAKER_00]: to those of you who left supportive comments.

[01:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: It was a much better experience posting here than when I tried to seek advice in other subs.

[01:16:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he added one more comment which says things are more or less the same but I'm

[01:16:47] [SPEAKER_00]: learning to live with it better and better each day. I got my 9 year old daughter into

[01:16:51] [SPEAKER_00]: equestrian therapy which she enjoys. We have made a point to not call it therapy.

[01:16:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It probably is good for her but it hasn't made a noticeable difference in how she seems

[01:17:01] [SPEAKER_00]: to be behaving or coping. She's still at her old school but I've made the decision

[01:17:05] [SPEAKER_00]: that if a spot opens in the charter school she'd definitely be switching.

[01:17:08] [SPEAKER_00]: My 14 year old is bouncing back a little better and enjoying her first year of high

[01:17:12] [SPEAKER_00]: school so far. The high school is large with lots of options for extra curriculars and such

[01:17:16] [SPEAKER_00]: that are very little cost which I think is good for her since she was previously involved

[01:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: in a lot and we had to cut back due to financial constraints after my husband died.

[01:17:24] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband's son came for another visit last month. It didn't go as well. He

[01:17:32] [SPEAKER_00]: was a bit jealous that she had to share her brother's attention with the girlfriend

[01:17:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and was a bit mopey and prone to mini meltdowns during that time.

[01:17:40] [SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't the most fun time ever for anyone. My husband's son and his girlfriend are

[01:17:45] [SPEAKER_00]: invited to Thanksgiving at my parents house. We'll see how that goes. I at least feel more

[01:17:50] [SPEAKER_00]: accepting of him being around now. Last year it was hard even to look at him. I know none

[01:17:55] [SPEAKER_00]: of this is his fault but it was hard to see him as his own person and not just a reminder

[01:17:59] [SPEAKER_00]: that my husband lied and this year I felt a little better. I don't know and I'm just

[01:18:04] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to accept that I never will know why my husband lied to me or how much he lied

[01:18:08] [SPEAKER_00]: about. The best I can figure is that it was some kind of coping mechanism that he

[01:18:13] [SPEAKER_00]: developed growing up in foster care to keep all his different families separate from each other

[01:18:18] [SPEAKER_00]: if that makes sense. He didn't keep in touch with anyone he grew up with,

[01:18:22] [SPEAKER_00]: not former foster family but also not even friends from back then, nor did he ever talk

[01:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: about them. He told me very general vague details about how it was a horrible situation

[01:18:31] [SPEAKER_00]: but very few specifics. I always thought it was odd but wanted to respect that his past

[01:18:36] [SPEAKER_00]: is painful for him and wished he could tell me more but didn't want to pry. I don't and

[01:18:41] [SPEAKER_00]: will never know but I have a hunch that it all ties together for him. He just has a compulsion

[01:18:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to keep different parts of his life separate. It's the best reason I could come up with

[01:19:20] [SPEAKER_00]: My daughter, 30 female, is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding

[01:19:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and I feel like a bad parent. I should start by saying that my daughter is an only child.

[01:19:33] [SPEAKER_00]: She has always been our princess so to speak and she's received everything material that a

[01:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: girl could ask for. Before you criticize my husband, her father and I for spoiling her,

[01:19:44] [SPEAKER_00]: we do realise that we shouldn't have given her everything from a young age but we didn't

[01:19:48] [SPEAKER_00]: know any better back then and we had the money but quite well off so we figured why not support

[01:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: our only child. My husband owns his business and I am a school teacher. Together we make decent

[01:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: money and I am looking to retire in the near future. When we first started out I stayed at

[01:20:05] [SPEAKER_00]: home and my husband worked an office job and so my daughter has been pampered with all my

[01:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: attention and her father's support. She is now going to be married for the third time in

[01:20:14] [SPEAKER_00]: short life. Her only job is occasionally supply teaching in the same school board I work at

[01:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: so she doesn't have much of a big career yet but I do hope she will find work.

[01:20:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll spare you the long of it, she married her high school boyfriend at 22 years old

[01:20:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and they divorced less than two years later in a bitter fight. The wedding was lavish and it

[01:20:36] [SPEAKER_00]: was her first and we truly believed that they would make it work. I guess my husband and I

[01:20:40] [SPEAKER_00]: also saw through rose coloured glasses since we were married very young as well and are approaching

[01:20:46] [SPEAKER_00]: our 35th anniversary. My husband and I pitched in around $25,000 for the wedding ceremony

[01:20:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and reception and perhaps another $3,000 for the honeymoon to Europe. The second time she

[01:20:57] [SPEAKER_00]: was proposed to by another man she was dating. He was a hard working blue collar man but his

[01:21:02] [SPEAKER_00]: family didn't have much money. Again she asked if we could help out with her wedding

[01:21:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and it was true love this time around. We met the man and he was a stand up,

[01:21:11] [SPEAKER_00]: wholesome person and so a year after that my daughter, then 27, was married to this second

[01:21:17] [SPEAKER_00]: husband. We paid for almost all of the wedding costs and the honeymoon to the tune of $43,000.

[01:21:24] [SPEAKER_00]: A then husband's mother was a nurse and his father was a deadbeat. They didn't provide much

[01:21:28] [SPEAKER_00]: when it came to the wedding itself and I admit the husband and I did harbour ill will

[01:21:32] [SPEAKER_00]: the fact that her husband's father's name was clearly printed on the reception and invitations

[01:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: as a generously contributing member of the wedding party but that's another story.

[01:21:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And they did divorce because of money issues less than three years later.

[01:21:47] [SPEAKER_00]: We, tired by this time, forked over money for her divorce costs and tried to regroup

[01:21:52] [SPEAKER_00]: our finances. We do have a comfortable nest egg saved up for post-retired life. I would

[01:21:58] [SPEAKER_00]: travel the world and maybe buy a small lake house with my husband. He also enjoys woodworking as a

[01:22:04] [SPEAKER_00]: hobby but now my daughter who has begun dating another man has excitedly showed us that she

[01:22:09] [SPEAKER_00]: is engaged once again. The man in question proposed less than a year into their dating

[01:22:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and she is elated more than anything because after her second divorce she didn't think any

[01:22:19] [SPEAKER_00]: man would want her anymore. My daughter is hinted at the wedding costs and brings home

[01:22:31] [SPEAKER_00]: her wedding. I've tried suggesting maybe this time around she should opt for a small backyard

[01:22:52] [SPEAKER_00]: ceremony this time but she turns it around on us and says that we don't believe in her happiness

[01:22:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and that we are being cheap as she is our only daughter and her father and I are quite well off

[01:23:02] [SPEAKER_00]: which to be fair if she is right I'm at a loss of what to say to her.

[01:23:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And what jumped out to me in this one straight away in the first paragraph you know

[01:23:11] [SPEAKER_00]: you said she's always been your princess she had everything that she could ask for

[01:23:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know you said that you spoiled her and you realized that and you shouldn't have given

[01:23:19] [SPEAKER_00]: everything from a young age but you didn't know better back then but now you've continued to do so

[01:23:25] [SPEAKER_00]: by paying for these two weddings and she's expecting it as well and it just kind of feels

[01:23:32] [SPEAKER_00]: you know if you pay for this one there's going to be another wedding down the road at some point

[01:23:36] [SPEAKER_00]: as well I would absolutely just be putting your foot down and saying not at all that's not

[01:23:41] [SPEAKER_00]: happening I'm not paying for it you spent over a hundred and forty thousand dollars already

[01:23:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Holy moly

[01:23:48] [SPEAKER_00]: JbabaSky says if your daughter has truly found love in this third relationship then it shouldn't

[01:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: depend on an expensive wedding you and your husband should firmly tell your daughter that

[01:23:57] [SPEAKER_00]: you are not going to pay for her third wedding if she wants an expensive wedding she should get

[01:24:01] [SPEAKER_00]: a job and pay for it herself and if you can't get over your guilt she might want to

[01:24:05] [SPEAKER_00]: consider seeing a good therapist help you sort through all your feelings you're doing

[01:24:09] [SPEAKER_00]: your daughter no favors by continuing to fork over money sounds like to me she's more

[01:24:14] [SPEAKER_00]: in love with lavish weddings than with men she chooses to stand in to play the role of groom

[01:24:20] [SPEAKER_00]: another user says so lots of people have told you that you shouldn't pay what I haven't seen

[01:24:25] [SPEAKER_00]: yet is someone saying she will probably throw an epic tantrum when you put your foot down

[01:24:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and you will have to stick it out or she will win and the next time you try to put

[01:24:33] [SPEAKER_00]: your foot down she'll throw an even bigger tantrum this is a well-known in research

[01:24:37] [SPEAKER_00]: behavioral phenomenon known as extinction which is what happens when you stop reinforcing

[01:24:42] [SPEAKER_00]: used to be reinforced if you don't firmly say no and stick with it you're forever screwed

[01:24:47] [SPEAKER_00]: she will say mean things she'll get really nasty stay calm and don't budge this is a

[01:24:53] [SPEAKER_00]: 30 year old toddler that you've created all the times you didn't say no are going to bite

[01:24:58] [SPEAKER_00]: you in the ass here and i'm saying be ready do not let her manipulate you on this one

[01:25:03] [SPEAKER_00]: it's totally in your power not to write that check for what it's worth my well-off

[01:25:08] [SPEAKER_00]: parents gave me 5k for my wedding in 2008 i would never fucking dream of asking for

[01:25:13] [SPEAKER_00]: their financial support for a second wedding panic bread quotes the section and says you

[01:25:17] [SPEAKER_00]: are continuing to ruin your child parenting doesn't stop when they turn 18 grow a backbone

[01:25:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and tell your kid stop suggesting and straight up tell your kid under no uncertain terms

[01:25:27] [SPEAKER_00]: that you will not pay for her wedding she will throw the inevitable temper tantrum don't back

[01:25:33] [SPEAKER_00]: down and one more comment which says um she's a 30 year old adult it's fucking ridiculous she

[01:25:39] [SPEAKER_00]: would ask and it's ridiculous if you consider paying a valid option which it sounds like you

[01:25:44] [SPEAKER_00]: don't as someone her age i'm 33 i would be absolutely ashamed if i were her in even

[01:25:50] [SPEAKER_00]: hinting at this i'd be appalled if my parents even tried to pay for me for something since

[01:25:55] [SPEAKER_00]: you know i'm an adult and make my own money you've made some mistakes and raised an

[01:26:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I sort of wonder about all these people that's being invited to this wedding every time is it

[01:26:09] [SPEAKER_00]: all family and friends and everyone that's turning up you know don't get me wrong i know people

[01:26:14] [SPEAKER_00]: have second marriages possibly third marriages but i'm not sure how i would feel in that situation

[01:26:20] [SPEAKER_00]: inviting all those people two or three times you know that's just myself i know as i said

[01:26:25] [SPEAKER_00]: i know there's people out there that have two marriages etc under different circumstances but

[01:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: just sounds like this is a constant thing the op does update the post and says hello it's been

[01:26:35] [SPEAKER_00]: a long time i wanted to retroactively thank everyone for the advice and the anger must

[01:26:39] [SPEAKER_00]: admit that hearing others rage about my situation was pretty cathartic for me i wasn't going to

[01:26:44] [SPEAKER_00]: log back in to post an update i couldn't even recall the password for this throwaway

[01:26:48] [SPEAKER_00]: account but so many of you gave me excellent advice that i feel i must give an update

[01:26:53] [SPEAKER_00]: as it is long story short my daughter is getting her third divorce we're no longer on speaking

[01:27:00] [SPEAKER_00]: terms and she has broken our hearts short story long as many of you predicted she threw a great

[01:27:05] [SPEAKER_00]: big tantrum when her father and i told her explicitly that we would not be paying for

[01:27:09] [SPEAKER_00]: the wedding this time around we said we would buy her a wedding dress and the cake

[01:27:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but that would be the end of it that whatever else she wanted would have to come from her and

[01:27:18] [SPEAKER_00]: husband's pocketbook she said we don't care for her happiness she cried said that we were selfish

[01:27:24] [SPEAKER_00]: everything all you said was going to happen all these things hurt so much to hear because

[01:27:29] [SPEAKER_00]: they aren't true we do care very much for her but enough wasn't simply enough she went

[01:27:35] [SPEAKER_00]: so far as to chuck a wedding planner binder into the backyard pool which was grotesque

[01:27:40] [SPEAKER_00]: to watch we asked him meet the fiance in question over dinner what a gem he was tattoos

[01:27:46] [SPEAKER_00]: all over his knuckles and his neck showed up to meet us in sweatpants and an ill-fitting hoodie

[01:27:50] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't even shake our hand or introduce himself properly he looked like trailer trash when we

[01:27:56] [SPEAKER_00]: asked what his occupation was he said he was a sound technician which made me feel embarrassed

[01:28:01] [SPEAKER_00]: for being so prejudiced but after a quick conversation at the dinner table where he

[01:28:05] [SPEAKER_00]: behaved in the most disgusting manner it turns out he is a freelance dj at 39 years old i

[01:28:11] [SPEAKER_00]: believe one should at least be put together not living with other roommates and working

[01:28:15] [SPEAKER_00]: at clubs on weekends my daughter i do not know what was wrong with her she looked at him with

[01:28:21] [SPEAKER_00]: such adoring eyes as if he were the best thing since sliced bread we doubted that he could provide

[01:28:26] [SPEAKER_00]: for himself let alone a family i don't know if this was a sign but the sight of this man boy

[01:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: solidified our decision to not finance a drop of our daughter's third wedding we still agreed

[01:28:37] [SPEAKER_00]: to pay for the cake and dress but no more we even had doubts that maybe this thug was

[01:28:42] [SPEAKER_00]: planning to marry our daughter for the money we assumed it was true when we found out she'd been

[01:28:47] [SPEAKER_00]: paying for a few months worth of his rent that he could not afford to pay out of his own pocket

[01:28:52] [SPEAKER_00]: like i said i don't know what was wrong with her we gave her a budget of thirteen thousand

[01:28:58] [SPEAKER_00]: dollars for a beautiful dress and maybe another two thousand for the cake the wedding plan in

[01:29:03] [SPEAKER_00]: itself was a disaster as my daughter had a meltdown over every single little thing that

[01:29:07] [SPEAKER_00]: went wrong even though we tried to tell her that she could use the fifteen thousand dollar

[01:29:11] [SPEAKER_00]: budget to plan the entire wedding instead of just spending it on the dress and cake alone

[01:29:15] [SPEAKER_00]: that was our intention and maybe she could scale back the dress and cake for a more humble affair

[01:29:20] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe it would teach her the value of a dollar she would not budge she did not invite us to

[01:29:26] [SPEAKER_00]: the wedding let alone the reception we don't even know how it was as we're not shown any

[01:29:31] [SPEAKER_00]: photographs afterwards i spent the entire week crying when i found out she had left us out

[01:29:36] [SPEAKER_00]: the wedding party she came back a few times with a u-haul and her disgusting husband to take

[01:29:41] [SPEAKER_00]: her possessions from our home and moved in with him while my husband and i were gone on

[01:29:46] [SPEAKER_00]: a vacation to new orleans right before christmas we had received several voicemails all from

[01:29:51] [SPEAKER_00]: our daughter her voice was slowing as if she'd been heavily drinking or on drugs she said

[01:29:56] [SPEAKER_00]: that she was going to divorce as he was a fucking deadbeat who couldn't even treat her

[01:30:01] [SPEAKER_00]: a nice dinner she said she's had to sell her engagement ring to pay for the rent

[01:30:05] [SPEAKER_00]: as she is still living with his roommates and that this is the part that just sends me into

[01:30:10] [SPEAKER_00]: anger if only we had paid for a wedding and helped her buy a home with him this wasn't even

[01:30:15] [SPEAKER_00]: discussed between us i do not know where she got this idea from and that she would have made

[01:30:20] [SPEAKER_00]: this marriage last if we'd given her more money my god what have we done i'm shaking

[01:30:28] [SPEAKER_00]: with anger just typing this my husband wanted to leave her a ceiling voicemail i talked him out

[01:30:34] [SPEAKER_00]: of it as far as we know she has moved forward with a divorce we'll be here for her we will

[01:30:39] [SPEAKER_00]: take her back into our homes but only if she wishes at this point we have heard nothing from

[01:30:44] [SPEAKER_00]: her and she does not pick up her phone it is so easy to blame ourselves for being bad parents

[01:30:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and i just feel so awful she's our only child and if any of our nieces or nephews

[01:30:55] [SPEAKER_00]: behaved this way to our siblings we would have cut them out of the family in a second

[01:30:58] [SPEAKER_00]: but we can't she's our only child now 31 years old and a thrice divorcee it pains me so much

[01:31:06] [SPEAKER_00]: what has happened over the last year i feel like i've lost a daughter you put another

[01:31:12] [SPEAKER_00]: 15 000 into this wedding and you wasn't even invited later criticized for not putting more

[01:31:20] [SPEAKER_00]: into it buying a house as well and that was opi's last post on the matter and where do you go with

[01:31:26] [SPEAKER_00]: that opi said that they will take their daughter in if they reach out and i can't help but feel

[01:31:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that's still going to be enabling that behavior maybe if you do take her in it's under it's

[01:31:36] [SPEAKER_00]: under stipulations that she seeks help counseling or or something along those lines because

[01:31:42] [SPEAKER_00]: surely you just can't continue like this holy moly that's incredibly sad but what do you

[01:31:48] [SPEAKER_00]: make of this situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[01:31:53] [SPEAKER_00]: let's move on to another story and our next story is going to be one from the am i the

[01:31:59] [SPEAKER_00]: asshole subreddit doesn't have an update as yet from ic performer 3310 who says am i the

[01:32:05] [SPEAKER_00]: asshole for ignoring my ex-wife's wishes regarding having our daughters in my wedding

[01:32:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and uninviting her i 43 male and get him married to my partner lauren 32 female in less

[01:32:17] [SPEAKER_00]: than a month it is a destination wedding that has been in the pipeline for over 18 months now

[01:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: i have my two daughters 16 and 11 with my ex-wife ana 46 female and lauren has a daughter

[01:32:30] [SPEAKER_00]: from her prior relationship deceased ex due to a car accident while lauren was pregnant

[01:32:35] [SPEAKER_00]: who is five ana and i split five years ago when ana realized she was bi and wanted to

[01:32:40] [SPEAKER_00]: pursue a woman from her work i will admit that i probably moved on with lauren too fast

[01:32:45] [SPEAKER_00]: to my devastation over my 21 year relationship ending and lauren still being in grief from the

[01:32:50] [SPEAKER_00]: loss of her husband just struggling with at the time a very sick newborn however for the most

[01:32:56] [SPEAKER_00]: part we have all been able to remain amicable and we all went to ana's marriage to a

[01:33:01] [SPEAKER_00]: co-worker lin about six months ago originally the plan for my wedding to lauren was for

[01:33:07] [SPEAKER_00]: us all to travel to the destination together so that my eldest could be a bridesmaid and

[01:33:11] [SPEAKER_00]: younger two could be flower girls however ana and lin have recently broke up and ana has asked us

[01:33:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to postpone our wedding out of respect to her when i tried to explain that it is impossible

[01:33:22] [SPEAKER_00]: because it would cost us a lot to do she flew off the handle and accused me of deliberately

[01:33:26] [SPEAKER_00]: hurting her cheating on her with lauren not true that there was a couple of months

[01:33:31] [SPEAKER_00]: between our split and meeting lauren leaving her for a younger woman called lauren a gold

[01:33:37] [SPEAKER_00]: to ruin our wedding i hung up on her and sent her an email uninviting her from our wedding

[01:33:43] [SPEAKER_00]: due to a threat she now says she's revoking consent to our daughter's participation

[01:33:47] [SPEAKER_00]: i don't think this is fair on them and i don't want them to feel left out so i merely pointed

[01:33:52] [SPEAKER_00]: out that the wedding is on my week and she doesn't get a say i'm ivy arsehole if i ignore

[01:33:59] [SPEAKER_00]: her wishes edited to add there was an incident with a trip to nz a bit over a year ago where

[01:34:06] [SPEAKER_00]: tried to stop the trip she thought we were showing off our financial state slash we were

[01:34:11] [SPEAKER_00]: visiting lauren's former in-laws they could see her daughter slash their granddaughter for the

[01:34:15] [SPEAKER_00]: first time since covid and we ended up having to involve lawyers there is a precedent for me

[01:34:21] [SPEAKER_00]: being able to take the girls overseas without ana's permission so as long as it doesn't

[01:34:24] [SPEAKER_00]: affect their time with them now she's just angry from what's going on in her life right

[01:34:29] [SPEAKER_00]: now and as long as you're not going to get yourself in trouble like taking the kids out of

[01:34:36] [SPEAKER_00]: your house and not inviting her from your wedding she threatened to do something during it

[01:34:47] [SPEAKER_00]: so now how can you trust her i guess my only worry now is that she may say something to the

[01:34:52] [SPEAKER_00]: children to turn them against you or something along those lines but as i says not the arsehole

[01:34:58] [SPEAKER_00]: ana is low-key acting bitter yeah she's having a tough time but i wouldn't even ask my best

[01:35:03] [SPEAKER_00]: to postpone her wedding because i'm going through a breakup she's overreacting trying to

[01:35:08] [SPEAKER_00]: guilt you by keeping the kids away from a special moment just because things didn't go

[01:35:12] [SPEAKER_00]: her way especially if she never mentioned any of the issues she now has with your fiancee why

[01:35:17] [SPEAKER_00]: now i wish i'd seen more of an emotional reason than concern of safety for your kids

[01:35:22] [SPEAKER_00]: or anything in that nature i would honestly keep my foot down and have my daughter still be

[01:35:26] [SPEAKER_00]: part of my wedding if i had legal custody of course which i'm assuming you do stating

[01:35:30] [SPEAKER_00]: it's your week anyway please cough me says it's rich that she's accusing you of cheating when her

[01:35:36] [SPEAKER_00]: desire to cheat on you was the reason she broke up a 21 year marriage ana needs some help therapy

[01:35:42] [SPEAKER_00]: to get through her breakup she's being unreasonable ana is aware of the cost to postpone

[01:35:47] [SPEAKER_00]: a wedding not only for you but for all of your guests who have already made plans

[01:35:52] [SPEAKER_00]: it might cost a bit but tell her you're going to involve lawyers again remind her

[01:35:56] [SPEAKER_00]: lost that battle before how much unnecessarily it costs both of you not the asshole

[01:36:04] [SPEAKER_00]: oh that name please coffee me i could do with a brew right now but i'm going to turn this one

[01:36:10] [SPEAKER_00]: to you guys because the comments pretty much follow along the same lines in that one what

[01:36:14] [SPEAKER_00]: do you guys make of that situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[01:36:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and let's move on to another story again from the mi the asshole subreddit from double mobile

[01:36:26] [SPEAKER_00]: 8057 and says am i the asshole for telling my son he will not be taking over the family business

[01:36:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and it is going to my daughter i have two kids my oldest son and my daughter they're 25 and 21

[01:36:39] [SPEAKER_00]: we have a family business that works on farm equipment and it is a very good business

[01:36:43] [SPEAKER_00]: most farmers if something break can usually fix it but when they call us they will pay

[01:36:48] [SPEAKER_00]: our loss so they don't have to buy another half a million tractor anyways i've been telling

[01:36:52] [SPEAKER_00]: me since they were young that if they want to take over the business they have to get a business

[01:36:57] [SPEAKER_00]: degree and work a lot with me to learn everything basically they have to put in the work when they

[01:37:02] [SPEAKER_00]: were both teenagers i took them on jobs so they would understand the job my son made it very

[01:37:07] [SPEAKER_00]: clear he didn't want the job and went to college for sociology my daughter on the other

[01:37:12] [SPEAKER_00]: hand threw herself into the business she's about to graduate with a business and robotics

[01:37:16] [SPEAKER_00]: majors she also decided to stay at home during college and she's been working with

[01:37:21] [SPEAKER_00]: me in a free time the only issue with my daughter is that she has trouble lifting things but that's

[01:37:27] [SPEAKER_00]: what strength training is for so now is the problem my son gave me a call he moved away

[01:37:33] [SPEAKER_00]: for a job after graduation he told me he wants to take over the business i told him no and

[01:37:38] [SPEAKER_00]: it's going to his sister this started a huge argument they called me a jerk he contacted some

[01:37:44] [SPEAKER_00]: of the older relatives and they are mad at me also editing i'm not splitting the business

[01:37:49] [SPEAKER_00]: it causes way too many problems now my thought you've already countered with your reddit i was

[01:37:55] [SPEAKER_00]: thinking can't you just give him like a lower share of the business 10 20 percent or something

[01:38:01] [SPEAKER_00]: like that you were giving your daughter the overall share but if you're not prepared to

[01:38:05] [SPEAKER_00]: do that then i would say you know you set out your requirements and your daughter took those up

[01:38:10] [SPEAKER_00]: while your son chose not to i don't think it'd be very fair to go back on that now and

[01:38:15] [SPEAKER_00]: take that away from your daughter when she's worked towards it but queen eeby says not the

[01:38:21] [SPEAKER_00]: asshole your son walked away from the responsibilities of what your company needs to continue to exist

[01:38:25] [SPEAKER_00]: while your daughter dedicated herself to the company's continued success not only should he

[01:38:31] [SPEAKER_00]: not take over the company but he shouldn't be involved in it in any way there's nothing he

[01:38:35] [SPEAKER_00]: could contribute to it and would only use his assets i've worked for too many companies

[01:38:40] [SPEAKER_00]: that the parents made successful only for entitled descendants to suck away the profits

[01:38:44] [SPEAKER_00]: without doing any work hope he says i agree with him not being involved at all i don't trust

[01:38:50] [SPEAKER_00]: him not to undermine his sister or just not to cause issues in the first place for the business

[01:38:55] [SPEAKER_00]: it's already hard work and i don't want to make it harder for her living highlight says not

[01:39:00] [SPEAKER_00]: the asshole it's not 1802 the oldest boy doesn't automatically inherit everything anymore

[01:39:05] [SPEAKER_00]: okay son do you think you're entitled to the business despite your sister working her

[01:39:09] [SPEAKER_00]: to learn the business get a degree in business and get expensive experience in the business

[01:39:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and that she did all of this because i was very clear about my expectations for whoever would want

[01:39:19] [SPEAKER_00]: to take it over she completed those expectations you did not explain to me how giving the

[01:39:25] [SPEAKER_00]: business to you makes sense and wouldn't be a complete betrayal to your sister honestly what

[01:39:30] [SPEAKER_00]: could he possibly say and the comments did continue down that path but what do you guys

[01:39:38] [SPEAKER_00]: want to make of this one do you have a different opinion on the matter how would you would you

[01:39:42] [SPEAKER_00]: consider splitting that business if you was in that position or what do you think it could

[01:39:45] [SPEAKER_00]: cause more issues down the road family working together that kind of thing let us know your

[01:39:50] [SPEAKER_00]: thoughts down in the comments below and our next story comes from a throw away account and

[01:39:56] [SPEAKER_00]: says today i messed up by stalking my husband's reddit account using a throw away

[01:40:02] [SPEAKER_00]: because he probably knows my main and i don't want him to know i know yet this also

[01:40:07] [SPEAKER_00]: technically started a few days ago but it's been stuck in my head since and i need to get my

[01:40:11] [SPEAKER_00]: thoughts out when we met and the entire three years we dated before we were married i was

[01:40:16] [SPEAKER_00]: always firm about not wanting kids my husband told me that his stance on kids was along the

[01:40:22] [SPEAKER_00]: lines of kind of undecided but overall not a good idea always said he used to want kids

[01:40:28] [SPEAKER_00]: but changed his mind later in life i wholeheartedly believed him until i decided to snoop

[01:40:34] [SPEAKER_00]: both pretty avid reddit users and he wanted to brag to me about how many up votes one of his

[01:40:38] [SPEAKER_00]: comments had i watched him as he clicked on his profile to find it i caught his username and a

[01:40:44] [SPEAKER_00]: glimpse of another comment where it looked like he was talking about me we never tried

[01:40:48] [SPEAKER_00]: hiding each other's accounts from one another that's not like his was a secret i still feel

[01:40:53] [SPEAKER_00]: a little bad for letting curiosity get the best of me i looked up his username later in the

[01:40:58] [SPEAKER_00]: day to check out what he had to say about me to his credit he was gushing about me

[01:41:03] [SPEAKER_00]: was really sweet but quite a few of his other comments also talked about how he wishes he

[01:41:08] [SPEAKER_00]: could have had children of his own and that the only thing stopping him is me talks about

[01:41:13] [SPEAKER_00]: how his desire to be with me outmatches his desire to have kids but he's still heartbroken

[01:41:17] [SPEAKER_00]: that he can't have both i still don't know what to make of it on the one hand i'm hurt

[01:41:23] [SPEAKER_00]: that in almost the 10 years we've been together he's never talked to me about this

[01:41:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and instead lied to me to make it seem like we're on the same page i feel immense guilt that

[01:41:33] [SPEAKER_00]: i've taken such a choice away from him especially after reading about just how badly he wants it

[01:41:39] [SPEAKER_00]: on the other hand and i can't believe i'm about to type this out it's making me rethink

[01:41:44] [SPEAKER_00]: my stance for the first time in my 32 years of existence i'm uncertain about whether i want

[01:41:50] [SPEAKER_00]: kids or not i've always thought pregnancy and birth sounds like a nightmare and i simply

[01:41:55] [SPEAKER_00]: don't have the mental bandwidth to devote all my time to raising a child but suddenly i'm having

[01:42:00] [SPEAKER_00]: daydreams about it all hell just last night i fell asleep while fantasizing about what would

[01:42:05] [SPEAKER_00]: happen if my birth control failed and we decided to just roll with it instead of getting

[01:42:09] [SPEAKER_00]: an abortion every argument i try to come up with against it is easily refuted by how our

[01:42:15] [SPEAKER_00]: life is currently going we own our house we both have good jobs that pay well and i work

[01:42:20] [SPEAKER_00]: from home on my own schedule so we wouldn't have to worry about daycare or extended maternity

[01:42:24] [SPEAKER_00]: the fact that i'm even reconsidering it is absolutely terrifying what if i think on it for

[01:42:30] [SPEAKER_00]: another year decide to go for it then regret it what if i'm only thinking about it now because

[01:42:35] [SPEAKER_00]: i want to make him happy what if i decide to ignore these thoughts and later regret not trying

[01:42:40] [SPEAKER_00]: before we got too old what if he thinks he wants me now but later resents me for

[01:42:44] [SPEAKER_00]: not letting him live the life he always wanted anyway it's gotten much longer than

[01:42:49] [SPEAKER_00]: i thought it would be i'm using this sub instead of something like r slash confessions

[01:42:53] [SPEAKER_00]: i regret looking into his reddit account i wish i could go back to a few days ago where this

[01:43:01] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't on my mind and i thought things were going great between us i'm sorry if this isn't

[01:43:05] [SPEAKER_00]: as interesting as today i messed up by sleeping with someone's mom or whatever usually gets

[01:43:10] [SPEAKER_00]: popular i just needed to get this all off my chest edit i was not expecting this post to

[01:43:17] [SPEAKER_00]: blow up as much as it has i'm sorry i haven't responded to many people but i promise i've

[01:43:22] [SPEAKER_00]: read almost every comment i was going to sit on it for a few more days before saying anything

[01:43:26] [SPEAKER_00]: to him but everyone calling me out for essentially being a pussy is making me realize

[01:43:30] [SPEAKER_00]: i should just talk to him tonight before i let my weird anxiety blurt more out of proportion

[01:43:35] [SPEAKER_00]: than it already has i still haven't decided whether to bring up how my views have changed

[01:43:40] [SPEAKER_00]: regarding children as i don't want to get his hopes up if i change my mind back i'll see how

[01:43:44] [SPEAKER_00]: the conversation goes to address a few things i've seen mentioned by you guys don't worry

[01:43:50] [SPEAKER_00]: i'm not throwing out my birth control tonight and jumping straight to baby making i'm honestly

[01:43:54] [SPEAKER_00]: still leaning more into the not having any kids side and if my mind changes more it's still not

[01:43:59] [SPEAKER_00]: happening until we both want one without a shadow of a doubt the just talk to him communicate

[01:44:06] [SPEAKER_00]: i appreciate the concern but keeping it to myself forever was never an option for me

[01:44:11] [SPEAKER_00]: our communication is usually fantastic and i'm planning on sitting down with him i was just

[01:44:16] [SPEAKER_00]: in a bit while writing this and wasn't sure the when how and what all i'd like to share with him

[01:44:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and the why do you think doing the same thing he did will solve your problems then says you

[01:44:27] [SPEAKER_00]: know what you got me there i'll probably show him this post eventually anyway so i'm not sure

[01:44:32] [SPEAKER_00]: how much water these comments hold you may be right that i shouldn't have shared this with

[01:44:36] [SPEAKER_00]: strangers on the internet i will say though i kind of get why people do it now i quote one

[01:44:41] [SPEAKER_00]: of my own comments it's like having a sea of little angels and devils on your shoulders

[01:44:46] [SPEAKER_00]: which to be honest is a little cool and almost cathartic i'll update tomorrow morning if anyone

[01:44:51] [SPEAKER_00]: is interested is it better to edit the post or make a new one i'm unfamiliar with this subreddit

[01:44:55] [SPEAKER_00]: but otherwise thank you all for your help for the hate reddit gets for being toxic and negative

[01:45:00] [SPEAKER_00]: all of you have had either very insightful advice or were very funny to hear from

[01:45:05] [SPEAKER_00]: i don't think there's very much i can really say to this post apart from that you have to

[01:45:10] [SPEAKER_00]: communicate and you've already answered that yourself and you're going to by the sounds of

[01:45:14] [SPEAKER_00]: it and in the comments cake or death says the only wrong move here is to do nothing

[01:45:19] [SPEAKER_00]: there is nothing wrong with changing your mind stop thinking about only yourself as being only the

[01:45:24] [SPEAKER_00]: person you were for the 32 years you are allowed to grow and evolve and change your mind

[01:45:29] [SPEAKER_00]: it's one of the beautiful things about growing up it's cliche but it's true couples that

[01:45:34] [SPEAKER_00]: don't grow together will instead grow apart but that means that both of you have and will

[01:45:39] [SPEAKER_00]: continue to grow and that could include you growing into wanting children have the conversation

[01:45:44] [SPEAKER_00]: be open-minded but also be prepared to understand yourself as an individual and as part of a couple

[01:45:50] [SPEAKER_00]: even better and maybe learn that you do not in fact want kids but he more and more does

[01:45:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and be prepared to accept the consequences of that but don't just keep it inside and let it

[01:46:01] [SPEAKER_00]: fuck with your head without doing something about it print man says i wouldn't call what

[01:46:06] [SPEAKER_00]: he did lying to make it seem like you guys are on the same page to me it seems like he

[01:46:10] [SPEAKER_00]: is

[01:46:10] [SPEAKER_00]: the best idea but this was something as far as your relationship goes you both still need to talk

[01:46:18] [SPEAKER_00]: about this obviously but i don't think he was being nefarious in any way saver husky says

[01:46:24] [SPEAKER_00]: i will let everyone else address they just talk to him stuff i want to address how you're

[01:46:28] [SPEAKER_00]: feeling yourself you're not the same person you are today as you were even yesterday people

[01:46:33] [SPEAKER_00]: grow and change and that's okay from my perspective what it is or it's not worth

[01:46:38] [SPEAKER_00]: i was like you solidly against having kids didn't have the time nor patience for them wanted a life

[01:46:44] [SPEAKER_00]: that was me doing what i wanted whenever i wanted and someone that could go along with that

[01:46:50] [SPEAKER_00]: absolutely steadfastly refused to date anyone with kids then met someone volunteering in a

[01:46:55] [SPEAKER_00]: solidly not dating environment life changed and we found ourselves in a dating situation

[01:47:00] [SPEAKER_00]: he had two beautiful daughters but i knew i wanted him so i said let's give it a try

[01:47:05] [SPEAKER_00]: happily i learned how to be a step-mom and how to love his kids as if they were my own

[01:47:10] [SPEAKER_00]: then this thought crept into my mind and wouldn't leave what about my own now we have a

[01:47:16] [SPEAKER_00]: rambunctious adorable precocious four-year-old boy who adores his sisters and they adore him

[01:47:20] [SPEAKER_00]: would i be okay not having him yes i think my life would have been fulfilled living how i

[01:47:26] [SPEAKER_00]: wanted but i am so thankful i did my husband was fine with his girls but happy to have

[01:47:31] [SPEAKER_00]: me drive that ship from day one i think one of our purposes as humans is to live and grow

[01:47:37] [SPEAKER_00]: it doesn't surprise me that you are changing maybe being more open to something you once

[01:47:42] [SPEAKER_00]: weren't but put some soul searching and time into it and have an open and honest communication

[01:47:47] [SPEAKER_00]: with yourself and your husband i just want you to know that change is okay the op does come in

[01:47:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to update their posts as hi again guys a few of you asked for an update i hope it's

[01:47:58] [SPEAKER_00]: i made a new post rather than edit my original or tried to cram it into a comment as my original

[01:48:03] [SPEAKER_00]: was getting a bit long and messy this update is also pretty long i was not expecting my story

[01:48:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to be interesting enough to get such an insane amount of attention i'm a tad embarrassed

[01:48:12] [SPEAKER_00]: my inner thoughts had so many eyes on it but the secret little ego syndrome give me thank

[01:48:17] [SPEAKER_00]: you all for my 15 minutes of fame lol i'll put a tldr at the bottom but the gist of

[01:48:22] [SPEAKER_00]: this update is my husband is an incredible partner in human being and i'm an idiot who

[01:48:27] [SPEAKER_00]: onto my big ball of anxiety for no real reason almost all your replies were very sweet and

[01:48:33] [SPEAKER_00]: supportive i didn't respond to most of them but i read them all but it didn't stop me from

[01:48:37] [SPEAKER_00]: feeling super nervous about confronting him it's hard to explain but i get a little overly

[01:48:42] [SPEAKER_00]: stressed about things that aren't as big of a deal if i make them i've been wanting to

[01:48:47] [SPEAKER_00]: get checked out for whatever anxiety disorder i probably have but just haven't gotten around

[01:48:51] [SPEAKER_00]: to it i was hoping to let him decompress when he got home from work before i brought

[01:48:55] [SPEAKER_00]: the topic up but he knows i overly deep clean when i get nervous so when he walked through

[01:48:59] [SPEAKER_00]: the door and saw me taking a toothbrush to our oven he knew something was up and asked about

[01:49:04] [SPEAKER_00]: it obviously i didn't take notes on exactly what was said but i'll do my best to paraphrase

[01:49:10] [SPEAKER_00]: i started out by saying don't freak out this isn't anything super serious it's just me being

[01:49:15] [SPEAKER_00]: classic jane i then went on to explain that i was extremely sorry for invading his privacy

[01:49:20] [SPEAKER_00]: but that i looked up his account and read some of his comments and he interrupted me by

[01:49:24] [SPEAKER_00]: laughing he didn't just laugh this motherfucker said with love i'm not actually mad saw what a

[01:49:30] [SPEAKER_00]: wreck i was and had the audacity to go for loud enough to startle me he then said so that was

[01:49:35] [SPEAKER_00]: you you guys were right he found my original post i feel silly for thinking he wouldn't but

[01:49:42] [SPEAKER_00]: i figured it wouldn't get as popular as it did in between him spending most of the day

[01:49:45] [SPEAKER_00]: at work instead of on reddit and saying he wasn't a fan of subreddits like these

[01:49:49] [SPEAKER_00]: he would somehow miss it in my defense i changed enough details about our lives that he wasn't

[01:49:54] [SPEAKER_00]: totally sure until i told him i found his account but yeah he had his suspicions he sat

[01:50:00] [SPEAKER_00]: me down at this point and basically said i know you well enough to know you don't actually want

[01:50:05] [SPEAKER_00]: kids this is just a phase i won't go into details because it's pretty personal but

[01:50:10] [SPEAKER_00]: he presented his arguments for why he thinks that he's 100 right he then followed up with

[01:50:15] [SPEAKER_00]: don't think you interpreted what i wrote correctly he doesn't want to share his account with everyone

[01:50:21] [SPEAKER_00]: so i won't copy and paste the comment but when he wrote that he loved me more than he wanted

[01:50:25] [SPEAKER_00]: kids he didn't mean giving up that life just to make me happy he meant that being with me

[01:50:30] [SPEAKER_00]: completely changed his outlook just being together meant that we could travel anywhere

[01:50:34] [SPEAKER_00]: we want together have romantic dates where we stay out as late as we want get freaky until

[01:50:39] [SPEAKER_00]: 4am without worrying about being too loud or having to wake up a few hours later to get

[01:50:44] [SPEAKER_00]: breakfast he realized he didn't want kids when he married me because he didn't want to share our

[01:50:49] [SPEAKER_00]: life together with anyone else when i asked him why he said he felt heartbroken that he couldn't

[01:50:54] [SPEAKER_00]: have both he explained that he didn't articulate that comment very well he wasn't necessarily

[01:50:59] [SPEAKER_00]: heartbroken that he could never have children of his own but rather he was grieving the loss

[01:51:04] [SPEAKER_00]: of his imaginary children and a mentality he held on to for his entire life up until he

[01:51:09] [SPEAKER_00]: changed his mind imagine it felt a little bit like my freak out in the original post where i was

[01:51:14] [SPEAKER_00]: scared and confused by my own change of heart but on a bigger scale over a longer period of time

[01:51:20] [SPEAKER_00]: that one's a little tricky to paraphrase it may not make sense to some people

[01:51:24] [SPEAKER_00]: although we explained it made complete sense i swear lol anyway everything went smoothly we

[01:51:30] [SPEAKER_00]: decided by the end of our conversation to stick with having no kids but we'll regularly

[01:51:34] [SPEAKER_00]: check in with each other about it in case we ever change our minds and it's another story

[01:51:39] [SPEAKER_00]: where communication wins the day again and you know it's got to be said i love to see it every

[01:51:44] [SPEAKER_00]: once in a while we get so much drama to see a healthy couple you know it's quite refreshing

[01:51:49] [SPEAKER_00]: sometimes but what do you guys make of this situation let me know your thoughts down in the

[01:51:54] [SPEAKER_00]: comments below and let's move on to another story

[01:52:08] [SPEAKER_03]: the war is coming to the Middle-earth

[01:52:10] [SPEAKER_03]: i won't stop until i fix this again

[01:52:24] [SPEAKER_02]: eco

[01:52:25] [SPEAKER_02]: electricity

[01:52:26] [SPEAKER_02]: earth

[01:52:27] [SPEAKER_02]: gas

[01:52:27] [SPEAKER_02]: to

[01:52:28] [SPEAKER_02]: me?

[01:52:30] [SPEAKER_02]: to us?

[01:52:31] [SPEAKER_01]: to reliable

[01:52:32] [SPEAKER_02]: saxton

[01:52:33] [SPEAKER_01]: energy

[01:52:43] [SPEAKER_01]: energy

[01:52:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and our next story comes from colossal screw up and before we do get into the story i do want to

[01:52:56] [SPEAKER_00]: give you a warning it does contain homophobia so if you do want to skip the story please feel

[01:53:00] [SPEAKER_00]: free to do so timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below

[01:53:05] [SPEAKER_00]: thank you and it's titled would i be the asshole if i wear a halloween costume that makes

[01:53:09] [SPEAKER_00]: my friend's partner uncomfortable

[01:53:13] [SPEAKER_00]: also just to mention at the same time this is a story that was suggested to me it's from

[01:53:16] [SPEAKER_00]: a couple of years back and i think it was around the pandemic sort of time so

[01:53:20] [SPEAKER_00]: it starts off hey reddit peeps i really need some help here my 21 male boyfriend alex23

[01:53:27] [SPEAKER_00]: absolutely loves halloween a whole friend group loves the holiday we make a point to have a

[01:53:32] [SPEAKER_00]: halloween party every year we're sad that we can't have our usual party this year but

[01:53:36] [SPEAKER_00]: we're still planning on having a little halloween party thing on zoom so we still have an excuse

[01:53:41] [SPEAKER_00]: to dress up and get drunk together anyway our friend sasha has been dating a guy let's call

[01:53:46] [SPEAKER_00]: him david for about a year now we didn't have many complaints about david he's pleasant enough

[01:53:52] [SPEAKER_00]: to us excluding a couple of slightly homophobic comments which he apologized for after he

[01:53:56] [SPEAKER_00]: found out alex and i were a couple and most importantly he makes sasha happy however when

[01:54:02] [SPEAKER_00]: we were talking about costumes on call the other day things got a little weird our friend group

[01:54:07] [SPEAKER_00]: consists of five girls and three guys we're all pretty big ahs which i think is american horror

[01:54:12] [SPEAKER_00]: story fans and the girls all decided that they were going to go as witches from coven

[01:54:17] [SPEAKER_00]: their costumes are absolutely stunning alex and i are planning on dressing as michael langdon

[01:54:23] [SPEAKER_00]: mr galant anyways we asked david about his costume and he told us he'd actually planned

[01:54:28] [SPEAKER_00]: the three of us to go as ross joey and chandler from friends now i love me some friends but alex

[01:54:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and i have already bought most of the pieces for our costumes we don't really want to change it at

[01:54:38] [SPEAKER_00]: this point we told him as much and apologized if he asked us earlier we would have most

[01:54:43] [SPEAKER_00]: likely agreed to this he left the chat about 10 minutes later but nothing really seemed off

[01:54:48] [SPEAKER_00]: until he text me later in the day he told me that was uncomfortable with us going as

[01:54:53] [SPEAKER_00]: galant as they often get shipped together and are most likely berries david told us he was

[01:55:00] [SPEAKER_00]: uncomfortable with us flaunting our sexuality at every chance we got and that it was making him

[01:55:04] [SPEAKER_00]: uncomfortable we apparently ruined harry potter for him when we dressed up as remus and serious

[01:55:09] [SPEAKER_00]: last year anyway david is still insistent on us changing our costume we've also been accused

[01:55:16] [SPEAKER_00]: of trying to isolate him as he isn't too into american horror story he can dress up

[01:55:21] [SPEAKER_00]: literally anything he wants there's no rules i really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable

[01:55:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and i don't want david to feel like he's unwelcome but alex and i were really excited

[01:55:30] [SPEAKER_00]: about our costumes this year i know this seems like a stupid thing to be worried about but

[01:55:34] [SPEAKER_00]: we don't want to cause trouble for sasha as she really likes david and we don't want her

[01:55:39] [SPEAKER_00]: getting caught in the middle of some stupid argument over a goddamn halloween costume

[01:55:43] [SPEAKER_00]: i feel awful if we were the reason that they started to have problems in their relationship

[01:55:48] [SPEAKER_00]: would i be the asshole edit okay i did not expect this to get so many replies thank you so much

[01:55:55] [SPEAKER_00]: to everyone who commented and offered advice i really appreciate it oh and just quickly

[01:56:00] [SPEAKER_00]: hs stands for american horror story my stupid ass thought i'd already written that sorry

[01:56:05] [SPEAKER_00]: i sent a few people asking if sasha knows about david's behavior she doesn't well didn't not

[01:56:11] [SPEAKER_00]: long after they started dating david made a few comments about being against gay marriage

[01:56:15] [SPEAKER_00]: knowing full well that alex and i hope to get married someday sasha blew up at him she was

[01:56:21] [SPEAKER_00]: disgusted that i'd think like that and she almost left him after that incident we felt

[01:56:25] [SPEAKER_00]: awful for her as she really did like david and he kept making promises to her that it

[01:56:29] [SPEAKER_00]: wouldn't happen again and apologized profusely sasha made david apologize to us and asked alex

[01:56:35] [SPEAKER_00]: if i would be okay speaking to him again and believing it was a one-off occurrence we said

[01:56:39] [SPEAKER_00]: sure he made sasha really happy after all and she'd never stay with him if we weren't

[01:56:44] [SPEAKER_00]: comfortable being around him we kept the homophobic jokes to ourselves but told him

[01:56:49] [SPEAKER_00]: that they were homophobic to his credit he did apologize though it was most likely not sincere

[01:56:54] [SPEAKER_00]: i told sasha about this whole situation about an hour ago and sent her screenshots of the

[01:56:59] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation she was disgusted and we heard a good five minutes of their argument before

[01:57:03] [SPEAKER_00]: sasha apologized and told us she had called us when she had dealt with him we've had a

[01:57:08] [SPEAKER_00]: text from sasha apologizing for all of this but it's not her fault we're starting

[01:57:14] [SPEAKER_00]: comments with dam who says okay this really winds me up how is he going to enter a friendship

[01:57:19] [SPEAKER_00]: group and expect everyone to just bend to his idealized notion of what the world is no it's

[01:57:25] [SPEAKER_00]: lovely that you guys are a couple but that doesn't mean your characters are a couple

[01:57:29] [SPEAKER_00]: how homophobic do you have to be that your masculinity is that shaken seriously would you

[01:57:34] [SPEAKER_00]: guys be shipping characters if one of you went as baby shark and the other went as a

[01:57:37] [SPEAKER_00]: fucking convict the whole thing is ridiculous if he wanted to coordinate outfits he should

[01:57:42] [SPEAKER_00]: the group doesn't revolve around him and sasha should be having a word with him about alienating

[01:57:47] [SPEAKER_00]: himself from the group i'm not pulling the victim card bullshit not the asshole you coordinated

[01:57:53] [SPEAKER_00]: outfits in your existing friendship group for an existing tradition and someone's partner's

[01:57:57] [SPEAKER_00]: masculinity and ego is threatened because of it so therefore is playing victim he needs to grow

[01:58:02] [SPEAKER_00]: up hope he says you make a good point there we chose the characters because we like the

[01:58:08] [SPEAKER_00]: because they get shipped mr gallant is a sassy bitch and i love him for it

[01:58:12] [SPEAKER_00]: also sasha doesn't know about the conversation yet she flipped out at him at the start of their

[01:58:17] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship as he made a comment about how gay marriage shouldn't be allowed before he knew we

[01:58:22] [SPEAKER_00]: were gay so i know she wouldn't be happy about this thanks but around a month or so later opi

[01:58:29] [SPEAKER_00]: updated the post and says i was going to post this a few days ago but my professor

[01:58:33] [SPEAKER_00]: decided to dump about a million projects on us at once so it had to wait a little bit

[01:58:38] [SPEAKER_00]: alex and i took the advice of you lovely people and talked to sasha about david's behavior

[01:58:42] [SPEAKER_00]: we even sent her some screenshots she went absolutely ape shit at him long story short

[01:58:48] [SPEAKER_00]: she broke up with him this is where the story should end but david is apparently a bit of a

[01:58:53] [SPEAKER_00]: petty asshole we did originally only plan to have a small zoom party with a couple of

[01:58:57] [SPEAKER_00]: friends but some mutual friends and people from some of our classes had asked if they could

[01:59:01] [SPEAKER_00]: join about 15 people all in we're okay with this and decided to just have a larger zoom

[01:59:06] [SPEAKER_00]: party with them for a little bit and leave and have a call with just our small close-knit

[01:59:11] [SPEAKER_00]: friend group people we don't mind getting completely trashed with we informed everyone

[01:59:16] [SPEAKER_00]: of this and everything was going great until it wasn't david his roommates with a mutual

[01:59:21] [SPEAKER_00]: friend ryan and his friends with a few people in our mutual friend group so we decided he

[01:59:26] [SPEAKER_00]: was going to join in with the festivities knowingly making sasha very uncomfortable

[01:59:30] [SPEAKER_00]: he made a few passing comments about how he left sasha because she's a homophobic slur

[01:59:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and kept asking her if they could call him private he got shut down pretty quickly

[01:59:40] [SPEAKER_00]: ryan is not one for that kind of drama so he told david to get a grip it made the whole

[01:59:45] [SPEAKER_00]: thing pretty awkward to say the least about an hour or so into this mess ryan shuts off his

[01:59:50] [SPEAKER_00]: camera and mutes his mic in david we're using the same computer yet another comment from david

[01:59:56] [SPEAKER_00]: when he turned the camera mic back on david was sulking beside him just generally looking

[02:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: like a scolded child alex and i decided to mess around with him yes it was petty no we do not

[02:00:07] [SPEAKER_00]: regret it we started dropping in some american horror story lines whenever we could e.g so you

[02:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: like leather i like a lot of things any sort of suggestive dialogue we could think of between

[02:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: michael and galant not a massive amount to work with but you know we could see david

[02:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: was practically biting his tongue to not say anything eventually after a whip comment from

[02:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: alex he left ryan just shook his head and laughed it off everyone else found it pretty amusing and

[02:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: myself and alex were pretty pleased with ourselves the rest of the night was a hell of

[02:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot better david actually tried to contact sasha a few days ago but sasha's dad was pretty

[02:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: quick to intervene he's a big guy and i wouldn't want to piss him off long story short david

[02:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: is out of all our lives now and sasha is looking a lot happier i know this probably

[02:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: isn't an update that anyone wants but i wanted to post it anyways edit shit i did it again

[02:01:00] [SPEAKER_00]: ahs stands for american horror story guys sorry my bad i keep forgetting to add it also just

[02:01:04] [SPEAKER_00]: want to say thank you to everyone for your kind comments and awards now apart from letting

[02:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: him get away with it one too many times and not cutting his shit off earlier absolutely the right

[02:01:14] [SPEAKER_00]: way you went about it and having him cut out of your life completely because jesus that guy

[02:01:18] [SPEAKER_00]: man he's a right asshole isn't he but now i'm gonna turn this one to you guys what do

[02:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: guys make of this situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below

[02:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and our next story comes from primary shine 5657 and says my husband is upset with my behavior at

[02:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: a concert my husband 30 male and i 26 female went to a concert last weekend and we've argued

[02:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: about this a couple of times since but aren't seeing each other's point of view i love this

[02:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: band and i have a favorite member i'm not attracted to this person i just think he's super

[02:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: talented i want to mention the whole band is in their 50s i was front row and was really hoping

[02:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: to get a guitar pick as they will toss a few into the crowd after the show as the guy was

[02:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: leaving the stage i shouted his name and made like a praying gesture towards him saying please

[02:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: he came to the edge of the stage and tossed me the pick and i caught it i was jumping up

[02:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and down saying thank you and he nodded at me and left that is 100 percent the extent

[02:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: of our interaction my husband witnessed the whole thing he didn't like it though was super mad accused

[02:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: me of bouncing my boobs on purpose for the guy i do not have much to bounce lol it wasn't that's

[02:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: just a natural excited reaction saying the guy had been checking me out and i was attention

[02:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: seeking he found my behavior super disrespectful and embarrassing i didn't do anything at the

[02:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: show besides that except sing and dance a bit like everyone else it's a metal show and it's

[02:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: not like a really sexy environment just head banging or jumping around a little

[02:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: i just had jeans and a top on low cup but like i said i don't have any cleavage was i over the

[02:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: top is this like a known weird groupie-ish thing to do at shows or is he overreacting

[02:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: edit for added details no alcohol involved role reversal would not bother me husband is not

[02:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: typically jealous or insecure but i'm pretty low key in a shy person so he doesn't get much occasion

[02:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to be apart from concerts i don't go out to bars or clubs never without him and i dress pretty

[02:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: modestly if you really want to know the band message because it's kind of obscure and i don't

[02:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: want to id myself further absolutely so not the asshole to me in this situation you were

[02:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: just excited to receive a guitar pick jumped up and down and he's just jealous and insecure

[02:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: just as simple as that to me and i mean you know concerts and a thing that i attend or get excited

[02:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: about at all i just they're just not something that i would particularly enjoy i don't think

[02:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: but i can see why people would get excited about them especially you know interacting with

[02:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: like the stars of the show if you like and throwing you a guitar pick i can imagine you

[02:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: getting excited about that and i like think fair play to you you know i think you're enjoying

[02:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: it you're having a good time what's wrong it's not like you're gonna jump on stage and run

[02:04:07] [SPEAKER_00]: is it you should see me when i go to watch football i'm like when i go to watch football

[02:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: live and you know i get overexcited i'm jumping up and down and also shouting away

[02:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: but crabbiest asp says not the asshole we are also metalheads and my husband would be stoked

[02:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: for me if a band member gave me some memorabilia it's like a gift from the gods

[02:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: a deleted user replied that and said my husband and i were on the railing for fallout boy this

[02:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: year and pete wence winked at me and then threw me a guitar pick and my husband jumped

[02:04:36] [SPEAKER_00]: up and down with me lol next comment from who says he's overreacting my wife has a favorite

[02:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: member in her favorite band you know what i do flag him down and get his autograph on the set

[02:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: list for her find him on cameo and have him send her messages on her birthday you go be

[02:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: excited jump for joy as a member of a band myself you're the kind of fan any band wants

[02:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: your husband not so much good luck and have fun and rock out right up front where you

[02:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: belong bm lad says i would be embarrassed if my partner overreacted to something so dumb

[02:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: just the worst guy says i started reading this expecting to read that you went backstage or

[02:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: somewhere private with a guy which would be pretty inappropriate as a married lady but

[02:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: you asked for and were given a pick i don't know how often you talk about this musician

[02:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: but it sounds like your husband is just insecure and jealous maybe look into that

[02:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: is a silly reaction in his part but there is likely something there to explore before

[02:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: things get worse and one more comment which opia replies to and says not the asshole but

[02:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: i can't stand the fangirl slash boy thing either or anybody who obsesses over somebody

[02:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: else that doesn't care about them or knows they exist i feel for your husband in that

[02:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: regard because it would definitely be embarrassing to have your spouse obsess in any type of way

[02:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: with somebody that isn't you whether you think you are right or not your husband was most

[02:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: definitely turned off by it enough to freak out on you for it so i'd maybe take his feelings

[02:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: into consideration instead of asking reddit because all the people telling you he's an

[02:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: asshole and you are right aren't going to fix anything which op says i can understand that

[02:06:10] [SPEAKER_00]: but in your opinion having fun at the show and asking for memorabilia and being excited

[02:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: about it is an obsession i can understand if there were other behaviors i'd be interested

[02:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: to hear what you think front row might seem kind of intense but it costs the same low

[02:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: as any ticket did wait in line for a couple of hours but not too crazy when you were short lol

[02:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: i wear some merch and own their music that's about it so op does come in with an update

[02:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and says thank you for the response on my last post i got some genuinely helpful advice

[02:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and wanted to update first i know that post was validation seeking but i just needed to

[02:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: know if i was crazy or not for thinking my behavior wasn't out of line a lot of people

[02:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: brought up points i haven't thought of regarding why my husband may have reacted the way he did

[02:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: i had some conversations that made me think more about other jealous and insecure behaviors

[02:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: my husband displays that have been accommodating without really thinking about it so i decided to

[02:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: have a talk with him i did not apologize for anything but validated his feelings about it

[02:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: reassured him of my lack of any physical or romantic interest in that person and my

[02:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: absolute love and devotion to him he ended up apologizing for making accusations about

[02:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: intentions i had further discussion about some behaviors around his jealousy and insecurity

[02:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and the root of those feelings which i will not get into except to say that he took

[02:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: responsibility for them and intends to work on it we ended up in a really good place and

[02:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: i feel great about things i know this won't make everyone happy when the ranger responses

[02:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: i got was everything from divorce your abuser immediately to stop being a fatherless hoe but

[02:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: it may seem dramatic for a small issue but as i said underlying issues thanks again

[02:07:50] [SPEAKER_00]: so a couple of comments asked op questions below the update the first one said the fact an adult

[02:07:56] [SPEAKER_00]: came to reddit for advice before just speaking to their partner is baffling and op says i know

[02:08:01] [SPEAKER_00]: it's stupid but we did talk and it didn't go anywhere we could not see each other's point

[02:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: of view and he was not able to express why he felt the way he did asking gave me

[02:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: as i didn't have before and it was helpful understand what you mean though

[02:08:15] [SPEAKER_00]: let's comment says so did you compromise about anything or did you manage to get out of this

[02:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: without taking any personal flak at all the word i'm specifically looking for is compromise

[02:08:24] [SPEAKER_00]: as in your husband said he would take it easy and work on his insecurity right

[02:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: what have you done to better your relationship with him op says i want to do more to show

[02:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: him that he is loved and appreciated and that he and our life together excites me

[02:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: i let him know that i should have included that the person replied that and says thank you for

[02:08:43] [SPEAKER_00]: the reply and clarification you're right that you should have included it because we readers can

[02:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: only go on the words you give us if you don't include the words it doesn't exist for us

[02:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: i'm glad you and your partner are on a better path just food for thought though this sort

[02:08:56] [SPEAKER_00]: of thing if my husband isn't okay with that that's up to him to decide what to do

[02:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: that's not healthy language that's dangerous and show some subconscious issues of your own that

[02:09:06] [SPEAKER_00]: address before they become a problem you need to remember that your husband is your lifeline and

[02:09:10] [SPEAKER_00]: he's just as responsible for your comfort as you are his if you treat him like that

[02:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: telling him it's up to him to decide chances are he will decide op responds and says i

[02:09:21] [SPEAKER_00]: understand what you're saying with the language but at some point there's a line right

[02:09:24] [SPEAKER_00]: i'm not willing to please the way i naturally express joy at a concert when i don't feel my

[02:09:28] [SPEAKER_00]: behavior is inappropriate in any way i'm willing to do my part in addressing the

[02:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: lion issues of why it makes him feel uncomfortable i'm not saying i think it will come to that but

[02:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: at some point if that's not acceptable for him he would have to evaluate if i'm the right

[02:09:43] [SPEAKER_00]: partner for him but yeah that's not where we're at at all we're in a good place

[02:09:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and our next story is one that does have new updates at the end so if you have found that

[02:09:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you've heard this story elsewhere and you want to skip parts of the story timestamps are

[02:09:58] [SPEAKER_00]: down in the description and along the timeline below this is from the amirong subreddit

[02:10:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's titled am i wrong for accidentally getting my parents uninvited from my brother's

[02:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: wedding back when my 25 male ex maria 24 female and i were dating we set my brother

[02:10:17] [SPEAKER_00]: arthur 24 male up with his ex jen 24 female who was maria's i guess now ex best friend

[02:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: maria and i dated for about a year and arthur and jen dated for about nine months

[02:10:29] [SPEAKER_00]: we'd constantly do things together since maria and jen were best friends out of our little group

[02:10:34] [SPEAKER_00]: my personality matched jen's the most which led to us getting close i felt so comfortable

[02:10:40] [SPEAKER_00]: around jen and we both had a moment of weakness we're at a party and we did the

[02:10:45] [SPEAKER_00]: deed we snuck around for about a week before arthur and maria found out jen and i

[02:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: decided we'd be better together so we broke off our relationship and started dating each other

[02:10:56] [SPEAKER_00]: jen and i dated for about six months and it was amazing until i found out she was cheating on me

[02:11:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and she left me for the other guy i was heartbroken i thought i found my match i kept

[02:11:07] [SPEAKER_00]: thinking about how good maria was to me in hindsight she treated me way better than jen

[02:11:13] [SPEAKER_00]: ever did i want to message her to beg her to take me back but decided to look at her

[02:11:17] [SPEAKER_00]: pictures first and that's when i found out that her and arthur had started dating in the six months

[02:11:23] [SPEAKER_00]: jen and i were together they've been together for four years and i found out from my parents

[02:11:28] [SPEAKER_00]: that they're getting married in september it hurts so much finding that out what hurt even

[02:11:34] [SPEAKER_00]: more was the fact that i didn't even receive an invite i mean i know things have happened

[02:11:38] [SPEAKER_00]: between us but arthur and i are brothers we're family when i told my parents i hadn't

[02:11:44] [SPEAKER_00]: received an invite they phoned arthur and tried to get him to invite me but all i ended up doing

[02:11:49] [SPEAKER_00]: is getting them uninvited i tried calling arthur to get them re-invited and to get myself invited

[02:11:55] [SPEAKER_00]: but he didn't answer any of my calls my parents haven't said anything i feel like

[02:12:00] [SPEAKER_00]: they're mad at me for getting them uninvited from arthur's wedding am i wrong for accidentally

[02:12:05] [SPEAKER_00]: getting my parents uninvited from my brother's wedding but if i got this right and you know

[02:12:10] [SPEAKER_00]: i got it wrong here he betrayed the two people that's getting married and now he's upset that

[02:12:16] [SPEAKER_00]: he's not being invited to their wedding what the hell but someone breaks it down a bit in

[02:12:21] [SPEAKER_00]: the comments they said arthur's perspective his own brother betrayed him in one of the worst

[02:12:25] [SPEAKER_00]: ways possible it is heartbroken by his cheating ex his now fiance had a heart broken by the

[02:12:31] [SPEAKER_00]: same person they finally moved on and found happiness the right way parents then betray arthur

[02:12:37] [SPEAKER_00]: by daring to defend or vouch for op thus meaning they don't think it's as big deal as arthur does

[02:12:43] [SPEAKER_00]: which minimalizes his pain and is utterly disrespectful and unsympathetic while also

[02:12:49] [SPEAKER_00]: meaning that's how they truly felt the whole time arthur can't trust a single one of his

[02:12:53] [SPEAKER_00]: immediate blood relatives and rightfully wants all of them unable to affect his peace his

[02:12:58] [SPEAKER_00]: soon-to-be wife in their big day fuck cheaters fuck the but we're family abusers

[02:13:04] [SPEAKER_00]: fuck the i know i was wrong but they're overreacting and fuck anyone that sympathizes

[02:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: with those people okay lime says you're acting like a child for getting your mommy and daddy

[02:13:14] [SPEAKER_00]: involved with something that had no business getting into who does that to your own brother

[02:13:19] [SPEAKER_00]: there is no person worth family and i see you cry family now we are brothers where did

[02:13:25] [SPEAKER_00]: that little tidbit play in when you were screwing his girlfriend there's no business

[02:13:29] [SPEAKER_00]: until you do some soul searching as for your parents you screwed them out of something

[02:13:35] [SPEAKER_00]: they look forward to all their lives nice job unusual focus says oh boohoo i cheated on my ex

[02:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and now she hooked up with my brother we're family he's supposed to treat me like family

[02:13:47] [SPEAKER_00]: never mind that i couldn't do the same jesus this guy sounds like a narcissist i know that

[02:13:52] [SPEAKER_00]: term gets thrown around a lot i've studied a lot about them and that at least sounds like

[02:13:57] [SPEAKER_00]: a narcissist trait whoo everybody's supposed to think about me and only me fuck with anybody

[02:14:02] [SPEAKER_00]: else wants i'm the only person who matters what the fuck is this guy on it is i forgot to add

[02:14:08] [SPEAKER_00]: that my most recent ex and the guy before him were both narcissists that's how i was able to

[02:14:13] [SPEAKER_00]: pick this out that's how they acted like they could just do whatever they wanted if somebody

[02:14:18] [SPEAKER_00]: put themselves first they were in the wrong and one more comment from imaginary standard says

[02:14:23] [SPEAKER_00]: the parents thought it was a good idea to ask arthur to invite his brother who cheated on maria

[02:14:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and screwed arthur's girlfriend behind their backs for the wedding even if op had begged

[02:14:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and pestered them about it they should have told him no they know what happened the fact

[02:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: that op found out about arthur and maria when he was going to message her to take him back

[02:14:42] [SPEAKER_00]: is just i have no words for this it made me laugh karma for him to want an invite is just

[02:14:49] [SPEAKER_00]: a little bit of a

[02:14:50] [SPEAKER_00]: joke but in the comments below this one someone says the brother gave their point of view and it

[02:15:04] [SPEAKER_00]: was over on the entitled people subreddit it was titled my brother slept with and ran off with

[02:15:09] [SPEAKER_00]: my ex and now wants an invite to my wedding getting my parents uninvited in the process

[02:15:14] [SPEAKER_00]: for the record i tried posting this three days ago but my account was too new

[02:15:19] [SPEAKER_00]: i24 male wasn't even going to make a post about this but my brother who i'll call turk 25 male

[02:15:25] [SPEAKER_00]: made four posts about it so i thought i should share my side of the story i use the same names

[02:15:30] [SPEAKER_00]: he did for the sake of simplicity my fiance is maria 24 male and my ex is jen 24 female

[02:15:38] [SPEAKER_00]: a little over five years ago my brother started dating maria my now fiance three months after

[02:15:45] [SPEAKER_00]: they started dating they set me up with her now ex best friend jen the four of us did a lot

[02:15:51] [SPEAKER_00]: together since the girls were best friends turk and maria dated for a year and jen and i

[02:15:56] [SPEAKER_00]: dated for nine months at the end of our relationship i came home early and found

[02:16:00] [SPEAKER_00]: turk and jen having sex in my bed after i processed the situation i called maria because

[02:16:06] [SPEAKER_00]: i'd want to know if i was in her place she came over and we confronted turk and jen they dumped

[02:16:12] [SPEAKER_00]: us and i found out two days later started dating each other it broke me i came home to find my

[02:16:18] [SPEAKER_00]: brother fucking my girlfriend only to run off with her i had to move back in with my parents

[02:16:23] [SPEAKER_00]: it was infuriating because they kept talking about how happy turk and jen were

[02:16:28] [SPEAKER_00]: throughout the next couple of months maria and i started talking we were two people

[02:16:32] [SPEAKER_00]: in similar shitty situations and we found some comfort in each other four months after we got

[02:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: dumped maria and i officially started dating six months after we got dumped turk found out jen

[02:16:43] [SPEAKER_00]: was cheating on him and she left him for the other guy actually only found this out today

[02:16:48] [SPEAKER_00]: from reading turk's post maria would get the occasional message from turk trying to reconnect

[02:16:53] [SPEAKER_00]: but she ignored him anyway moving on to now maria and i are engaged and getting married in

[02:16:59] [SPEAKER_00]: my parents were invited until my mom called me and threatened to not come if i didn't invite turk

[02:17:05] [SPEAKER_00]: i told her not to bother coming regardless in my mother's eyes turk can do no wrong when he

[02:17:11] [SPEAKER_00]: fucked and started dating my ex i told my parents everything he did and my mom tried

[02:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: defending him our relationship isn't the greatest but it was somewhat decent after

[02:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: i uninvited my parents i only uninvited my mom but my dad texted me and said he's not

[02:17:25] [SPEAKER_00]: if my mom isn't turk blew up my phone trying to get a hold of me this is the first time

[02:17:31] [SPEAKER_00]: he's even tried reaching out to me in four years like i said before turk posted about the

[02:17:36] [SPEAKER_00]: situation here on reddit as well apparently my parents told him that maria and i were getting

[02:17:41] [SPEAKER_00]: married and that started this whole thing of getting them uninvited he stopped calling me

[02:17:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but he's blowing up my phone with texts begging me to re-invite my parents and

[02:17:50] [SPEAKER_00]: give him an invite so yeah i just wanted to get my side out there

[02:17:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and we do have like the final update in a moment which comes from arthur's side again the one that

[02:18:02] [SPEAKER_00]: we just heard from and i know people are always super skeptical when we hear like both sides of

[02:18:07] [SPEAKER_00]: the story especially with the wild kind of logic we got going on in this post that you

[02:18:12] [SPEAKER_00]: know a brother cheating and betraying his brother and then wanting to get re-invited to the

[02:18:17] [SPEAKER_00]: wedding because of the old excuse that family and the parents backing him up on this because

[02:18:23] [SPEAKER_00]: he's like the golden child of the family or something along those lines it's just a betrayal

[02:18:29] [SPEAKER_00]: from the whole family isn't it and there's no way you're going to move past that it's just

[02:18:34] [SPEAKER_00]: one of those situations let's just be done with it cut them off which i know is always

[02:18:39] [SPEAKER_00]: easier said than done but i can't see any other way through this but a couple of comments

[02:18:44] [SPEAKER_00]: someone says your mum downplaying what he did to you is kind of telling whose side she's on

[02:18:48] [SPEAKER_00]: i've come across that piece it seems in turks eyes he didn't do anything wrong either and

[02:18:54] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to get hold of maria is also trying to steal her from you you're better off without

[02:18:58] [SPEAKER_00]: all of them from your life moving forward good luck with your upcoming wedding turks are dick

[02:19:04] [SPEAKER_00]: you should give them the invites but to a different location like a graveyard since he

[02:19:12] [SPEAKER_00]: real address one more comment that says your entire family is toxic as fuck how dare they take

[02:19:19] [SPEAKER_00]: turks side at this point op cut your losses you said your parents think turk can do no wrong

[02:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: that'll never change they constantly disregard your feelings which isn't okay you were broken

[02:19:29] [SPEAKER_00]: from witnessing turk and jen having sex in your fucking bed how would your parents think

[02:19:34] [SPEAKER_00]: that's okay what did they expect when you didn't invite your brother to one of the most

[02:19:38] [SPEAKER_00]: life i'm proud for you for standing up for yourself and maria that takes a lot of

[02:19:44] [SPEAKER_00]: self-respect and strength i'm thrilled for you to have found someone who completes you

[02:19:48] [SPEAKER_00]: let go you deserve happiness as i said though get out of there more guilt trips and toxic

[02:19:54] [SPEAKER_00]: behavior from your family will ensue otherwise you deserve better to which opia responds and

[02:20:01] [SPEAKER_00]: thank you so much i think this is the beginning of the end of my relationship with

[02:20:04] [SPEAKER_00]: my parents my parents and i have a pretty rocky relationship since my brother can do no wrong in

[02:20:09] [SPEAKER_00]: their eyes yet i do almost all wrong in their eyes they threatened not to come if i didn't

[02:20:15] [SPEAKER_00]: invite my brother and i said don't bother coming at all we get another update which

[02:20:19] [SPEAKER_00]: happened after the wedding and opi starts off saying here's a summary since my original post

[02:20:23] [SPEAKER_00]: is pretty long my brother turk set me up with my ex i walked in on him and my ex having

[02:20:27] [SPEAKER_00]: sex in my bed and it broke me my wife maria was also cheated on so we understood each

[02:20:33] [SPEAKER_00]: maria and i dated for four years until we got married a couple of weeks ago

[02:20:37] [SPEAKER_00]: two months before my wedding turk talked to my parents and got my mom to try and get him invited

[02:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: but all that did was get my mom uninvited my dad didn't come because my mom didn't that's

[02:20:48] [SPEAKER_00]: basically it my wedding was amazing it went so smoothly i didn't hear from turk

[02:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: he didn't even show up as far as i know my parents didn't show up and tried to make a

[02:20:59] [SPEAKER_00]: good my mom didn't text me but my dad texted me saying congratulations i guess turk talked to

[02:21:05] [SPEAKER_00]: my mom because she texted me shortly after my honeymoon basically begging me to forgive

[02:21:10] [SPEAKER_00]: turk because he's my brother i didn't text back it's not worth it that was a week ago

[02:21:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and i haven't gotten any other texts from my mom or turk since and that's it the funny part

[02:21:21] [SPEAKER_00]: is is that turk is still trying to get our mom to solve his problems but all of that's

[02:21:25] [SPEAKER_00]: behind me now and obviously we don't know the full ins and outs of those text messages but

[02:21:31] [SPEAKER_00]: in that last one there where it says the mom was basically begging opi to forgive turk i mean

[02:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: she should be apologizing herself for taking his side and it doesn't sound like any of that

[02:21:41] [SPEAKER_00]: happened it doesn't even sound like she knows she's in shit herself she didn't even turn up

[02:21:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to the wedding wasn't invited to the wedding i mean come on and you're trying to get

[02:21:49] [SPEAKER_00]: him but all in all i think that the aged old quote about the best revenge is a life well

[02:21:57] [SPEAKER_00]: lived and i think that's the way forward here but now i'm gonna turn this one to you guys what

[02:22:02] [SPEAKER_00]: do you guys make of this situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below and our

[02:22:08] [SPEAKER_00]: next story comes from softkorea8688 from the am i the asshole subreddit it says am i the

[02:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: their decision we pay for groceries for everyone and several household bills electricity internet

[02:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: tv packages etc the house is mortgage free i also do all the household cleaning and cooking

[02:23:02] [SPEAKER_00]: i arrange and take all their pets to their veterinary appointments too i do work from home

[02:23:08] [SPEAKER_00]: so this is easier for me and as i'm able to be flexible we also pay half of any house

[02:23:12] [SPEAKER_00]: modifications and upgrades as it'd be your house one day recently i have begun to feel

[02:23:18] [SPEAKER_00]: resentful of the fact that once they are all done with work they can come home and relax

[02:23:22] [SPEAKER_00]: whereas i finish work and have to cook and clean and have no help on the weekends i spend

[02:23:28] [SPEAKER_00]: half of the day cleaning the house while they do what they want this all came to a head last

[02:23:33] [SPEAKER_00]: week i was really unwell i felt the worst i've ever felt and wanted nothing more than to

[02:23:38] [SPEAKER_00]: sleep however once i got around to dinner time i was awoken by my mother-in-law to ask when

[02:23:43] [SPEAKER_00]: was getting up to make dinner i didn't want to cause an argument so i just got up and made

[02:23:48] [SPEAKER_00]: dinner for them but as i was in the kitchen struggling not to pass out the three of them

[02:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: sat watching a movie waiting for me to bring in their food i didn't say anything at first

[02:23:59] [SPEAKER_00]: i waited until my husband and i were alone to bring up my concerns with a lack of help

[02:24:04] [SPEAKER_00]: my husband apologized and offered to help more which i accepted but the next day was an exact

[02:24:09] [SPEAKER_00]: repeat i had to drag myself out of bed to cook and once i bring in their food my mother-in-law says

[02:24:15] [SPEAKER_00]: oh you look truly awful or you oh by the way later would you mind giving everywhere an extra

[02:24:22] [SPEAKER_00]: clean i don't want to get whatever you have at which point i accused them of treating me like

[02:24:27] [SPEAKER_00]: a live-in maid and not caring about me outside of the services i provide for them

[02:24:32] [SPEAKER_00]: i pointed out that i wouldn't be in the communal areas if i hadn't been dragged out

[02:24:36] [SPEAKER_00]: could have handled one meal themselves my husband sat there in silence he thinks i

[02:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: should have brought it up more carefully at a time when i wasn't so emotional i agree that

[02:24:48] [SPEAKER_00]: i probably should have but i was sick and stressed i want to move out but husband

[02:24:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and in-laws are still against it nothing has changed of what they expect from me

[02:24:58] [SPEAKER_00]: i got no apology just silent treatment from mother-in-law for a couple of days

[02:25:04] [SPEAKER_00]: so am i the asshole hope he had some extra information and says thank you for all the

[02:25:11] [SPEAKER_00]: comments this is my first post so i'm not sure if this is the best way to address some of the

[02:25:15] [SPEAKER_00]: questions but here we go it didn't start off with me doing everything before we moved in

[02:25:20] [SPEAKER_00]: with my in-laws my husband and i split everything equally and that worked great

[02:25:24] [SPEAKER_00]: once we moved here i picked up a bunch of the household chores because i work from home and

[02:25:28] [SPEAKER_00]: here it just made sense slowly over time there's just been things added here and there

[02:25:34] [SPEAKER_00]: that has snowballed into the current situation i have stood up for myself a few times but

[02:25:40] [SPEAKER_00]: it's an incredibly difficult situation i'm very aware this is not my house they are not my

[02:25:45] [SPEAKER_00]: parents and the things i would say to my own parents are not the same i feel i could say

[02:25:49] [SPEAKER_00]: to his i moved across the country before we got married none of my friends are here

[02:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: most of my closest friends are my husband's friends wives etc i don't have any family nearby

[02:26:00] [SPEAKER_00]: i've always felt as if i pushed you hard it would be everyone against me and i didn't realize

[02:26:06] [SPEAKER_00]: before now how toxic of an environment that is the inheritance of the house isn't something i

[02:26:11] [SPEAKER_00]: want or need this was never supposed to be a long-term thing and i guess i've just felt

[02:26:16] [SPEAKER_00]: pressured to contribute to certain things involving the house because we do live here

[02:26:20] [SPEAKER_00]: my husband will get the house one day he's an only child overall it's all been very eye-opening

[02:26:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to realize maybe i'm not being as silly as i'm often made to think all the little things

[02:26:32] [SPEAKER_00]: spiral into one big mess and my husband should be sticking up for me not contributing

[02:26:37] [SPEAKER_00]: to the problem i've tried talking to him about things several times and he'll be helpful

[02:26:41] [SPEAKER_00]: for a couple of days before resorting back to mummy's little prince i know i've been

[02:26:46] [SPEAKER_00]: out for a while i think this is just the push i needed to make such a massive life decision

[02:26:52] [SPEAKER_00]: thanks reddit and someone asked op they said what exactly is it that your husband does

[02:26:57] [SPEAKER_00]: that your father-in-law can't do op says at this point i'd say he's recovered enough that

[02:27:02] [SPEAKER_00]: he should be able to do most things but it's mostly walking his dogs anything involving any

[02:27:07] [SPEAKER_00]: sort of lifting nothing that couldn't be done by outside sources if we were to leave

[02:27:12] [SPEAKER_00]: now you've already acknowledged in your post that you've got a husband problem you know he's not

[02:27:16] [SPEAKER_00]: backing you up he sat there in silence when these people got you up while you was ill

[02:27:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to make them dinner he sat there well she said oh can you give the place an extra clean

[02:27:25] [SPEAKER_00]: because she doesn't want your germs all over the place i'll be out of that place asap and

[02:27:31] [SPEAKER_00]: you're clearly being taken major advantage of here that none of this is right anyway but the

[02:27:37] [SPEAKER_00]: fact that they're not even thankful in the slightest bit about any of this the amount you're

[02:27:41] [SPEAKER_00]: paying as well paying for all the groceries and electric internet tv packages all this sort of

[02:27:47] [SPEAKER_00]: stuff and they're not even thankful for it not that that would make it okay but this is

[02:27:52] [SPEAKER_00]: definitely a situation say look i'm definitely getting out of here because you know this

[02:27:56] [SPEAKER_00]: isn't the way that i would want to be living and the fact that you've got no support around

[02:28:01] [SPEAKER_00]: you as well and you're worried to talk to other people about it because you think that

[02:28:05] [SPEAKER_00]: might gang up on you is a real concern in itself but in the comments cake eating rabbit

[02:28:11] [SPEAKER_00]: says not the asshole but take a good look at your husband he knew you were sick you work too

[02:28:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and he just let you suffer even with you telling him he thought you would just keep serving him

[02:28:22] [SPEAKER_00]: even if you weren't sick this arrangement is highly unfair to you your husband saves money

[02:28:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and doesn't need to lift a finger and your in-laws save money and don't have to lift a

[02:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: children living with their parents have chores these adults are so lazy i'm angry right now

[02:28:38] [SPEAKER_00]: you deserve so much better lisbe says not the asshole also get out now with or without your

[02:28:45] [SPEAKER_00]: husband nothing will change because everyone except you is fine with the situation no your

[02:28:51] [SPEAKER_00]: husband doesn't care because if he did he would have done something about it pack your bags

[02:28:56] [SPEAKER_00]: leave roxy walker says so you got married and instead of starting a family of your own

[02:29:01] [SPEAKER_00]: you get to take care of your husband's parents the exploitation here is outrageous sounds almost

[02:29:07] [SPEAKER_00]: like you've been set up by all of them because you have to seriously doubt your husband would

[02:29:11] [SPEAKER_00]: have stepped up to do everything that's being done if you weren't part of the equation by

[02:29:15] [SPEAKER_00]: choice all of which only benefits his parents agreeing to move in was your first mistake but

[02:29:20] [SPEAKER_00]: since that's already done and over with then in this situation will be your second mistake

[02:29:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and will have far broader consequences for everything pertaining to your marriage

[02:29:29] [SPEAKER_00]: you need to get your own family started staying in the situation you are in will surely end

[02:29:34] [SPEAKER_00]: your marriage because eventually you'll be tired of being the hired help and not a wife with a

[02:29:39] [SPEAKER_00]: home privacy and money saved up not the asshole g1 jestalt says i think you obviously

[02:29:47] [SPEAKER_00]: know you're not the asshole the question is what do you do about it half the problem at

[02:29:52] [SPEAKER_00]: half is actually your husband if i were you which i realize i'm not i'd basically tell him

[02:29:57] [SPEAKER_00]: that unless the slave treatment of you stops you'll move out on your own after all what makes

[02:30:02] [SPEAKER_00]: you think that this is going to stop after in-laws are gone in another decade or so

[02:30:06] [SPEAKER_00]: in your in-laws eyes i have a feeling that there's no way that you're going to come out

[02:30:10] [SPEAKER_00]: the good guy you're putting your foot down in their house and they already seem like

[02:30:14] [SPEAKER_00]: completely entitled hosts this is a make or break situation either your husband switches to

[02:30:20] [SPEAKER_00]: or you get your own place and go into couples counseling which may be a good idea anyway

[02:30:26] [SPEAKER_00]: on the back of that as well you know they keep tempting you with the house this house might be

[02:30:32] [SPEAKER_00]: yours one day kind of thing whether that's to try and keep you in this situation or not

[02:30:36] [SPEAKER_00]: how long is someday anyway you know we i know there's health issues involved here but it

[02:30:41] [SPEAKER_00]: doesn't exactly say what health issues they are we could be talking years down the road and

[02:30:46] [SPEAKER_00]: with maybe deteriorating health so the care becomes even more

[02:30:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and likely opi would be expected to take on that as well it just sounds like a dire situation

[02:30:57] [SPEAKER_00]: but opi did come in with an update so let's find out what happened next this update came

[02:31:03] [SPEAKER_00]: three months later and opi says i'm not really sure how best to go about updating but

[02:31:08] [SPEAKER_00]: i guess here is as good as any firstly thank you to everyone that reached out

[02:31:13] [SPEAKER_00]: haven't been able to get back to everyone but i did read every message now for the part you all

[02:31:18] [SPEAKER_00]: want after making this post i started putting my wages into my own bank account i removed all of

[02:31:23] [SPEAKER_00]: my savings from our joint account and transferred everything from my own safety account just in

[02:31:29] [SPEAKER_00]: case this turned out to be the best decision because i found out i was pregnant roughly

[02:31:34] [SPEAKER_00]: two weeks after this post i've been told at 15 that due to some medical conditions i'd never

[02:31:39] [SPEAKER_00]: be able to get pregnant naturally so it was a complete shock once i had a scan to check

[02:31:44] [SPEAKER_00]: everything was okay thankfully it was we told my in-laws and this is what gave me the final

[02:31:50] [SPEAKER_00]: shove i needed immediately names were being thrown around and my mother-in-law started

[02:31:55] [SPEAKER_00]: talking about reducing her hours to part-time slash early retirement so she could be around

[02:32:00] [SPEAKER_00]: to raise the baby this rubbed me completely the wrong way i didn't want anyone else raising

[02:32:05] [SPEAKER_00]: my baby colors for the nursery and themes etc were all being discussed constantly but

[02:32:11] [SPEAKER_00]: never with me or my opinions being taken into consideration and within a week i felt as though

[02:32:16] [SPEAKER_00]: i was just an incubator the final straw happened when myself my husband's cousin female 29

[02:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and mother-in-law went shopping i've been looking at different kind of breast pumps

[02:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: before being told that i would be bottle feeding so everyone could help out i didn't

[02:32:32] [SPEAKER_00]: cause a scene in the middle of the shop so i moved on to outfits everything i picked up or

[02:32:37] [SPEAKER_00]: looked at was either the wrong color or style or something i picked out one outfit which would be

[02:32:42] [SPEAKER_00]: my first baby purchase mother-in-law snatched it out of my hands before i could pay telling me

[02:32:46] [SPEAKER_00]: that it was the wrong sort of outfit it wasn't gender neutral enough and if the baby is a boy

[02:32:52] [SPEAKER_00]: like we're hoping then it's far too feminine i didn't need to be told what i could and

[02:32:57] [SPEAKER_00]: dress my own child in nor did i appreciate the suggestion that they would all prefer a boy

[02:33:02] [SPEAKER_00]: let alone being told how i'd be feeding my child so i left i tried talking to my husband

[02:33:09] [SPEAKER_00]: on three separate occasions and either made excuses or blew me off entirely couldn't handle

[02:33:14] [SPEAKER_00]: it anymore i packed my bags and went to stay with my sister for a week my husband called

[02:33:19] [SPEAKER_00]: me once and asked me to go home once i made it clear i wouldn't be returning to live in

[02:33:25] [SPEAKER_00]: that house but i would raise the baby on my own if he didn't want to leave but i would not allow

[02:33:29] [SPEAKER_00]: my child to be raised in such a toxic environment as a big surprise to no one he stayed put

[02:33:36] [SPEAKER_00]: after that i got spam with texts in the family group chat but i left and deleted them all

[02:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: i started the divorce process and hopefully as i say every disgusting message from either my

[02:33:46] [SPEAKER_00]: ex or his family about both myself and my baby they won't get any form of custody although

[02:33:51] [SPEAKER_00]: since i announced the gender they've all gone quite silent i have now a small three bedroom

[02:33:56] [SPEAKER_00]: house i'm only renting for now while i wait for their divorce to finalize but there's plenty

[02:34:02] [SPEAKER_00]: big enough for the two of us my daughter will grow up surrounded by my family and plenty

[02:34:06] [SPEAKER_00]: of cousins to play with the house is pretty bare at the minute as i only got the keys a

[02:34:11] [SPEAKER_00]: couple of days ago but i have time before she gets here to make sure everything is ready

[02:34:16] [SPEAKER_00]: thank you again for all your kind words the situation didn't play out how i'd hoped

[02:34:20] [SPEAKER_00]: but i can't help feeling like it's for the best and of course this isn't an ideal situation

[02:34:28] [SPEAKER_00]: for op you know is absolutely heartbreaking that they're having to go through divorce

[02:34:32] [SPEAKER_00]: i'd imagine you know the thought of raising a child by yourself is quite a scary thing

[02:34:37] [SPEAKER_00]: but at the same time i think you're doing the best in a really difficult situation that

[02:34:43] [SPEAKER_00]: you stood up for yourself and for your which i'm assuming is a daughter the way they went

[02:34:47] [SPEAKER_00]: you're leaning on people around you like your sister and your family as support systems which

[02:34:53] [SPEAKER_00]: you know is a great thing that whole situation when you was in the shops was incredibly

[02:34:59] [SPEAKER_00]: infuriating this person snatching clothes out of your hand and you know treating you like

[02:35:03] [SPEAKER_00]: you said it's like an incubator i can't imagine what would have been like if you

[02:35:08] [SPEAKER_00]: could continue to stay in that situation you've had no say you'd have had no support

[02:35:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and it just sounded incredibly bleak but well done for you op for standing up for yourself

[02:35:18] [SPEAKER_00]: like i said your child is well but now i'm going to turn this one to you guys what do you guys

[02:35:24] [SPEAKER_00]: make of this situation put yourself in op shoes how would you feel let us know your thoughts

[02:35:30] [SPEAKER_00]: down in the comments below and let's move on to another story now our next story does come

[02:35:36] [SPEAKER_00]: with an update as well from the mivahole subreddit from girlfriend license throwaway

[02:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: is

[02:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: refusing to drive her to and from work my 28 male girlfriend 26 female is always late

[02:35:53] [SPEAKER_00]: always no matter if it's five minutes up the road or catching a plane before we get into it

[02:35:59] [SPEAKER_00]: no she isn't on the autism spectrum and she doesn't have adhd or time blindness

[02:36:04] [SPEAKER_00]: She just dawdles all the time.

[02:36:08] [SPEAKER_00]: She snoozes her alarm at least three times every morning and lays there going through

[02:36:13] [SPEAKER_00]: her social media.

[02:36:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Eventually she gets up and takes a long hour shower, dresses which takes her forever and

[02:36:19] [SPEAKER_00]: she usually sits wrapped in a towel on her phone and lingers over a coffee.

[02:36:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Nine times out of ten she's running late for work and ends up speeding to make it

[02:36:28] [SPEAKER_00]: on time.

[02:36:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Naturally she's gotten a number of speeding tickets.

[02:36:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I've tried to help her, e.g. putting her phone where she can't reach it from bed so she has

[02:36:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to get up to snooze it but she literally just grabs it and goes back to bed.

[02:36:41] [SPEAKER_00]: She tried to get her to move her ass and she just digs her heels in and takes even

[02:36:45] [SPEAKER_00]: longer.

[02:36:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Her response to people calling out her lateness is better late than dead on time.

[02:36:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, again, she was running even later than normal for work and really had to

[02:36:55] [SPEAKER_00]: speed to make it.

[02:36:57] [SPEAKER_00]: A week goes by and sure enough massive speeding fine in the mail.

[02:37:01] [SPEAKER_00]: She now has to hand in her drivers license because she's got so many demerit points.

[02:37:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She'll be without one for six months.

[02:37:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of just dealing with it, she tells me I need you to cop this one and say you

[02:37:13] [SPEAKER_00]: were driving so I don't lose my license.

[02:37:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And of course I refused telling her she needs to live with the consequences of her

[02:37:19] [SPEAKER_00]: actions and maybe she should stop speeding and wake up earlier.

[02:37:23] [SPEAKER_00]: This argument went on for a few days until she finally conceded then proceeds to tell

[02:37:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you'll have to drive me to and from work until I get my license back.

[02:37:32] [SPEAKER_00]: And I tell her I won't be doing that.

[02:37:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Her work is literally in another direction than my work is from home and doing so would

[02:37:39] [SPEAKER_00]: add another two hours of driving per day.

[02:37:42] [SPEAKER_00]: She says it shouldn't matter as my work has flexible hours but I stood my ground

[02:37:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and refused and said she can take public transport.

[02:37:50] [SPEAKER_00]: There's literally a bus stop two minutes walk from our house and the bus stops

[02:37:53] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe five minutes walk from her work and it's quite regular.

[02:37:57] [SPEAKER_00]: She says she hates public transport and refuses to ride it.

[02:38:00] [SPEAKER_00]: So I said then it's Uber for her or organize a carpool but bottom line is not my responsibility.

[02:38:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She called me an asshole and has given me the silent treatment.

[02:38:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Said a decent boyfriend would go to those lengths for her and that it's only six months.

[02:38:14] [SPEAKER_00]: So am I an asshole for not saving her license and refusing to drive her to

[02:38:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and from work for six months.

[02:38:22] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's we live in Brisbane Australia for those wondering.

[02:38:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Wow she sounds extremely annoying but this is just simply consequences of your own actions

[02:38:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know she's also putting other people in danger on the road at the same time by

[02:38:37] [SPEAKER_00]: her being late and then asks you to you know take legal consequences for it as well.

[02:38:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely not the asshole you know take public transport.

[02:38:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't even sound sorry about any of this either.

[02:38:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And also tried manipulating you with the you know the decent boyfriend would go to those lengths for her.

[02:38:57] [SPEAKER_00]: That's your laundry basket says not the asshole but why are you even with this girl.

[02:39:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Not only is she refusing to improve herself but she has also attempted to drag you onto a mess

[02:39:06] [SPEAKER_00]: that has legal consequences.

[02:39:08] [SPEAKER_00]: She's even blaming you for refusing to take responsibility of her own problem

[02:39:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that she seems actively avoiding to work on.

[02:39:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Plastic says not the asshole.

[02:39:17] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't give a shit about other people's time.

[02:39:19] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't give a shit about the safety of others on the road.

[02:39:22] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't give a shit about your driving record if you cop the points.

[02:39:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I could go on.

[02:39:26] [SPEAKER_00]: She clearly doesn't care about anyone but herself so why are you with her.

[02:39:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Gadget girl says not the asshole good for you for standing your ground.

[02:39:35] [SPEAKER_00]: She made the wrong choices and refused to change her problematic behavior despite many warnings

[02:39:39] [SPEAKER_00]: because she just didn't want to make the effort or do things differently.

[02:39:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Her choice to speed repeatedly as a solution is 100% on her.

[02:39:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Losing your license is supposed to be a punishment for her, not you.

[02:39:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Hold firm and continue to push back against the guilt and manipulation.

[02:39:55] [SPEAKER_00]: She sounds a bit entitled and I have a feeling you are in for a fair amount of drama

[02:39:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and whining while she adjusts.

[02:40:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Matt says not the asshole.

[02:40:04] [SPEAKER_00]: You are doing what any significant other who cares deeply would do

[02:40:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and taking a pretty hard road to do it.

[02:40:09] [SPEAKER_00]: You are trying to address the root cause of the issue.

[02:40:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Sounds like you are taking steps to avoid enabling her which would probably make things worse

[02:40:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and hoping that this wake up call will have an effect.

[02:40:19] [SPEAKER_00]: She is worried about the current consequences and probably getting increasingly frustrated

[02:40:23] [SPEAKER_00]: with the extra obstacles being added.

[02:40:25] [SPEAKER_00]: You are worried about future potential consequences for her that could be far, far worse

[02:40:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe relieved it's only this.

[02:40:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Same situation with two very different perspectives.

[02:40:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I can empathize with a lot of what you described as her behavior.

[02:40:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Take a look at Consolations in Philosophy by Alain de Botton.

[02:40:42] [SPEAKER_00]: The chapter on Seneca frustration expectations helped a lot

[02:40:50] [SPEAKER_00]: The OP does give us a couple of little updates the next day and says

[02:40:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Wow, I wasn't expecting such a response and definitely not everyone being on my side.

[02:41:00] [SPEAKER_00]: She told me all her friends think I'm the asshole which is a big part of why I came here in the first place.

[02:41:06] [SPEAKER_00]: After seeing the responses here I messaged a few of them

[02:41:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and the ones she actually did contact said not the asshole.

[02:41:11] [SPEAKER_00]: As for why I'm still with her, I'm starting to question that myself.

[02:41:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I've not been really happy with her the last few months

[02:41:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and this is starting to make me question the entire relationship.

[02:41:22] [SPEAKER_00]: The day after that OP says

[02:41:24] [SPEAKER_00]: So today I asked her as she looked at the train and bus timetables

[02:41:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and she hit me with, paraphrasing

[02:41:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god you seriously aren't going to help me

[02:41:31] [SPEAKER_00]: you really expect me to catch public transport blah blah blah.

[02:41:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Reflecting on this and past behavior and her attitude towards the whole thing

[02:41:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to break up with her.

[02:41:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you everyone for your help.

[02:41:42] [SPEAKER_00]: And I gotta say, I couldn't see it going any other way in the end on this story.

[02:41:46] [SPEAKER_00]: You know there was a chance of them reconciling but her whole attitude towards the whole thing

[02:41:52] [SPEAKER_00]: that OP explained you know just put me on edge the whole time.

[02:41:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I just couldn't look past that.

[02:41:58] [SPEAKER_00]: And part of me was thinking how is she like earning any money with the amount of tickets she's getting?

[02:42:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean you get fine in all sorts in the UK.

[02:42:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure that's elsewhere as well in Australia.

[02:42:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And I was wondering how it's sort of like affecting them financially as a couple

[02:42:13] [SPEAKER_00]: but I'm not sure if they were at that point in their relationship.

[02:42:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean they were only there together for 6 months I think it said so.

[02:42:19] [SPEAKER_00]: But wow what do you guys make of this situation?

[02:42:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[02:42:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from CriticalCarry6618 and says

[02:42:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Would I be the asshole if I exposed my neighbor, 42 male, to his wife out of retaliation?

[02:42:37] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend 28 male and I 24 female recently went on a trip.

[02:42:42] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend surfs and I surf a little.

[02:42:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I've done it for a few years now but don't get the time and location to progress a lot.

[02:42:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, it's embarrassing but the board hit me in the face.

[02:42:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I developed bruising around under my eye and a few cuts and scrapes.

[02:42:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It fortunately wasn't super horrific looking but when we got back home my neighbor 42 male saw me

[02:43:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and asked about it while I was checking my mail.

[02:43:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him what happened.

[02:43:07] [SPEAKER_00]: He joked maybe my boyfriend gave me the bruise and I'm just too obsessed with him to care.

[02:43:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him that's disrespectful.

[02:43:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Just kept it short and terminated the interaction.

[02:43:17] [SPEAKER_00]: He goes on laughing and I walk away.

[02:43:19] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend confronted him on his behavior and told him not to approach me or talk to me.

[02:43:24] [SPEAKER_00]: He nodded and agreed and apologized.

[02:43:27] [SPEAKER_00]: The next day we get police doing a wellness check on me because of an anonymous report.

[02:43:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I just know it has to be the neighbor.

[02:43:33] [SPEAKER_00]: They wanted to make sure no domestic abuse was going on.

[02:43:37] [SPEAKER_00]: They questioned me and my boyfriend.

[02:43:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Had to show them GoPro footage to try and prove we went surfing.

[02:43:43] [SPEAKER_00]: 42 male has been super flirtatious with me in the past and every time my boyfriend is away,

[02:43:49] [SPEAKER_00]: travels for work, he seems to take note of this and starts trying to run into me more.

[02:43:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Catch me on my runs etc.

[02:43:56] [SPEAKER_00]: He has said inappropriate things to me that a man with a wife really shouldn't be saying.

[02:44:01] [SPEAKER_00]: This is just for context.

[02:44:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I have proof for some of his inappropriate behavior because he tried to add me on Instagram

[02:44:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and DM me some inappropriate text while he was supposedly drunk.

[02:44:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Would I be the asshole if I show his wife those?

[02:44:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess it's petty because I'm retaliating but I just hate the guy now.

[02:44:21] [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe he truly will stay away after that.

[02:44:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to start a back and forth war though.

[02:44:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel unsafe during the times my boyfriend is away for work.

[02:44:29] [SPEAKER_00]: It was nice to honestly just vent this here.

[02:44:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Think about doing it.

[02:44:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I should leave it at that but let me know.

[02:44:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Edit for some clarification based on comments.

[02:44:39] [SPEAKER_00]: My neighbor 42 male has a history of flirting with me and saying inappropriate things.

[02:44:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I can give examples of what I mean by that if needed but it feels unnecessary.

[02:44:49] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been almost one year of us living there and similarly long with his slowly

[02:44:53] [SPEAKER_00]: escalating behavior.

[02:44:55] [SPEAKER_00]: My partner has confronted him before, a few weeks prior to this scenario when the

[02:44:59] [SPEAKER_00]: drunk DMs happened.

[02:45:01] [SPEAKER_00]: During this first confrontation 42 male was told to stay away from me, to not

[02:45:05] [SPEAKER_00]: approach me or talk to me.

[02:45:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Then my boyfriend confronted my neighbor again for a second time.

[02:45:11] [SPEAKER_00]: This incident was to firmly remind him again of what they had previously

[02:45:15] [SPEAKER_00]: discussed.

[02:45:16] [SPEAKER_00]: That he is to be keeping a distance from me.

[02:45:19] [SPEAKER_00]: It was my boyfriend keeping him in check and giving him a final warning.

[02:45:23] [SPEAKER_00]: There was not a sudden or new reaction after the conversation about the

[02:45:26] [SPEAKER_00]: bruise.

[02:45:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I strongly feel he called the police out of spite.

[02:45:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Not suspected DV.

[02:45:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Most likely it's spite against my partner.

[02:45:35] [SPEAKER_00]: My neighbor has made the comment of me being too obsessed with my boyfriend

[02:45:39] [SPEAKER_00]: many times over and it is largely because he is aware we have a good

[02:45:42] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship which he has somewhat stalked online and offline.

[02:45:46] [SPEAKER_00]: So this joke wasn't a one-off harmless remark.

[02:45:49] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been an ongoing absurd irritation he's been voicing in various

[02:45:53] [SPEAKER_00]: ways for months.

[02:45:55] [SPEAKER_00]: According to him, my neighbor, I talk about my boyfriend too much during

[02:45:59] [SPEAKER_00]: our conversations, which he has told me he doesn't like.

[02:46:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I do that a little bit on purpose to spoil his attempts to steer the

[02:46:05] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation with me towards inappropriate territory.

[02:46:09] [SPEAKER_00]: All these conversations are not consensual.

[02:46:11] [SPEAKER_00]: They occur when he finds a way to cross paths with me.

[02:46:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He initiates and I spend the whole time trying to leave.

[02:46:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I have been doing so by talking about my boyfriend because for a

[02:46:21] [SPEAKER_00]: while it seemed to work and turn him off.

[02:46:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I think it just angers him.

[02:46:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I just straight up walk away now with politeness out the window.

[02:46:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And OP put the update within the same post.

[02:46:33] [SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of the comments are replying to both at the same time.

[02:46:36] [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not going to cover any comments just yet, but what sounded

[02:46:39] [SPEAKER_00]: really worrying to me in this one, it sounded like it was almost

[02:46:42] [SPEAKER_00]: like escalating behavior that the fact that you used to talk about your

[02:46:46] [SPEAKER_00]: boyfriend to sort of like brush him off and get him away from you.

[02:46:49] [SPEAKER_00]: And he seemed to use to accept that, but now it's turning to anger.

[02:46:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Whenever you talk about your boyfriend, he gets angry about it

[02:46:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and says you talk about him too much.

[02:46:57] [SPEAKER_00]: A commenter which OP replies to Southern Dig says not the asshole,

[02:47:01] [SPEAKER_00]: but honestly, the first part didn't seem bad.

[02:47:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Your joke to obsess to care if he hit you or not

[02:47:06] [SPEAKER_00]: sounds like Stockholm syndrome.

[02:47:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Then your boyfriend threatened him not to talk to you ever again.

[02:47:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Sounds like a typical abusive controlling boyfriend.

[02:47:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I probably would have called the police on a wellness check too

[02:47:16] [SPEAKER_00]: under those circumstances from his perspective, but the other stuff you

[02:47:21] [SPEAKER_00]: mention makes it seem like he didn't actually care that much.

[02:47:24] [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, sure.

[02:47:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Show his wife.

[02:47:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Lev replies that and says the boyfriend getting upset would have

[02:47:29] [SPEAKER_00]: been a huge red flag for me as well.

[02:47:31] [SPEAKER_00]: OP, the guy is wrong and a creep and probably deserves to be called out

[02:47:35] [SPEAKER_00]: for the sake of actual domestic violence victims.

[02:47:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Please don't do it over this.

[02:47:40] [SPEAKER_00]: The last thing you want to do is punish someone for trying to help

[02:47:42] [SPEAKER_00]: bring light to a domestic violence situation, even if they are wrong.

[02:47:47] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says, unfortunately, my neighbor knows there was no domestic violence.

[02:47:51] [SPEAKER_00]: He did that to give us all maybe specifically my boyfriend trouble

[02:47:54] [SPEAKER_00]: because my boyfriend confronted him.

[02:47:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Telling him to not approach me or talk to me anymore.

[02:48:00] [SPEAKER_00]: The comment he made about my boyfriend is another example of the

[02:48:03] [SPEAKER_00]: many absurd comments he makes and the reason for the confrontation by my

[02:48:07] [SPEAKER_00]: boyfriend was because he has a history of approaching me and saying

[02:48:10] [SPEAKER_00]: inappropriate things.

[02:48:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Another comment goes along the same line saying, you know, him worrying

[02:48:15] [SPEAKER_00]: about abusive behavior is a good thing, but also his behavior is creepy.

[02:48:19] [SPEAKER_00]: So everyone sucks here to which OP says, I assure you he's not worried

[02:48:22] [SPEAKER_00]: or suspecting domestic violence.

[02:48:24] [SPEAKER_00]: The comment he made about me being too obsessed with my boyfriend is because

[02:48:27] [SPEAKER_00]: he knows we have a good relationship, which he, my neighbor makes the

[02:48:31] [SPEAKER_00]: comments like this about often and tries to laugh or pass it off as

[02:48:34] [SPEAKER_00]: just a joke and he called the police because my boyfriend told him

[02:48:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to not approach me something that has to be reinforced because he's

[02:48:41] [SPEAKER_00]: made tons of inappropriate comments to me in the past.

[02:48:44] [SPEAKER_00]: OP does share the so-called drunken text, which is a lot of gibberish.

[02:48:51] [SPEAKER_00]: So Bella, Bo, Bella and a lot of that and says, you said you don't model.

[02:48:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, then what is this?

[02:48:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Just jokes and like a little kissing face and then says, can you

[02:49:01] [SPEAKER_00]: imagine you blushing like you do?

[02:49:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be mad, take a joke.

[02:49:05] [SPEAKER_00]: So you're without your boyfriend, I guess.

[02:49:08] [SPEAKER_00]: OP continues and says it's mostly nonsense, repetitive like this on and

[02:49:13] [SPEAKER_00]: photo of his drink glass on his balcony.

[02:49:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Then until eventually he said, he's sorry.

[02:49:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Had to scribble out my name, which OP did in their screenshot and then

[02:49:21] [SPEAKER_00]: says I didn't do the whole conversation.

[02:49:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Most of it's gibberish and he's Portuguese.

[02:49:25] [SPEAKER_00]: So some of it was Portuguese gibberish.

[02:49:28] [SPEAKER_00]: OP then adds that post saying clarification.

[02:49:30] [SPEAKER_00]: My neighbor has never had my phone number or contact information.

[02:49:34] [SPEAKER_00]: We don't communicate.

[02:49:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He searched me online and admitted doing so because I'd mentioned when

[02:49:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I moved here that I recently graduated from art school through

[02:49:44] [SPEAKER_00]: art school and I was a student at the time.

[02:49:45] [SPEAKER_00]: He claims he tried to look for a website to see my art, but found

[02:49:48] [SPEAKER_00]: my LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram instead.

[02:49:51] [SPEAKER_00]: My name is published online in a few places because of my work, a

[02:49:55] [SPEAKER_00]: recognition award I received while in university and photos from

[02:49:58] [SPEAKER_00]: my Instagram have been published too.

[02:50:00] [SPEAKER_00]: So they're credited with my username.

[02:50:02] [SPEAKER_00]: All this to say he put it in his own work and found me.

[02:50:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I did not give him my socials.

[02:50:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Some people are saying that we are texting and communicating with each other.

[02:50:11] [SPEAKER_00]: You have misunderstood.

[02:50:13] [SPEAKER_00]: He messaged me on Instagram one time.

[02:50:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I never responded to those messages.

[02:50:18] [SPEAKER_00]: It was just him sending in text after text throughout the night and

[02:50:22] [SPEAKER_00]: apologizing and saying he had been drunk.

[02:50:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I've since blocked him.

[02:50:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I shared this in my post because it is my only concrete proof that

[02:50:29] [SPEAKER_00]: he's been flirting with me.

[02:50:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Everything else transpired in person.

[02:50:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Clarification.

[02:50:35] [SPEAKER_00]: When the confrontation mentioned above in my original text occurred,

[02:50:38] [SPEAKER_00]: my boyfriend was there unloading the vehicle, including the surfboards.

[02:50:42] [SPEAKER_00]: We have a very long private driveway.

[02:50:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I was in my boyfriend's line of sight, but not with an earshot until he

[02:50:48] [SPEAKER_00]: heard the neighbor laughing loudly and me walking back.

[02:50:51] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend had also previously spoken to 42 male neighbor a few weeks

[02:50:55] [SPEAKER_00]: before when the drunk DM happened mentioned in the edit section above.

[02:51:00] [SPEAKER_00]: When my boyfriend heard the laughing and saw my face coming up the drive,

[02:51:03] [SPEAKER_00]: he came down and reiterated to the neighbor the effect of come on man.

[02:51:07] [SPEAKER_00]: We discussed this.

[02:51:09] [SPEAKER_00]: You need to stop walking over here.

[02:51:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm warning you that kind of thing.

[02:51:13] [SPEAKER_00]: He was calm, measured and controlled.

[02:51:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Firm, but not aggressive.

[02:51:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Then OP comes in with a detailed update, which says, first, thank

[02:51:21] [SPEAKER_00]: you for everyone for voicing your opinions.

[02:51:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate the most those who reached out to me personally and

[02:51:26] [SPEAKER_00]: try to view the situation from my point of view with my safety in mind.

[02:51:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I will not be retaliating in any way.

[02:51:33] [SPEAKER_00]: What I want is him to leave me alone.

[02:51:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to achieve that by lighting a fire under their marriage,

[02:51:38] [SPEAKER_00]: which I'm sure is already suffering even without my involvement.

[02:51:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Part of maybe they're more inclined to be more transparent with his

[02:51:45] [SPEAKER_00]: wife if I didn't live next door had some anonymity and he didn't have

[02:51:49] [SPEAKER_00]: access to me, which it feels like he does if I had answers to a lot

[02:51:53] [SPEAKER_00]: of what ifs, but I don't, I think it will make my life a nightmare,

[02:51:58] [SPEAKER_00]: especially when my boyfriend is away and I'm living alone for weeks at a time.

[02:52:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Writing this post itself has been cathartic enough.

[02:52:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Be honest now that I've come down from my anger and feel more clear headed.

[02:52:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Plus haven't talked with my partner and read all these messages as many as I can.

[02:52:12] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not a good idea to tangle myself up in this by going

[02:52:15] [SPEAKER_00]: to his wife to try and make a point.

[02:52:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think it will give me what I want, which is for the

[02:52:20] [SPEAKER_00]: man to never speak to me again.

[02:52:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I also don't know how the wife 31 female will react from the two

[02:52:27] [SPEAKER_00]: interactions I've had with her.

[02:52:28] [SPEAKER_00]: She was very short with me and difficult to engage.

[02:52:31] [SPEAKER_00]: She's been from the start.

[02:52:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I originally tried to introduce myself to her when I moved here and saw

[02:52:36] [SPEAKER_00]: them standing at the foot of our driveway while we were moving in.

[02:52:39] [SPEAKER_00]: A 42 male took over the conversation and was the more friendlier one.

[02:52:44] [SPEAKER_00]: It is for these points I held back taking the DMs to the wife earlier.

[02:52:48] [SPEAKER_00]: In the heat of the police call and some girlfriends egging

[02:52:50] [SPEAKER_00]: me on to do it in the moment, I wanted to retaliate because I

[02:52:53] [SPEAKER_00]: felt fed up and unfair emotionally drained, but on reflection, guys,

[02:52:58] [SPEAKER_00]: it's just not worth it for my safety and peace to inform her.

[02:53:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure she has some idea of his behaviors.

[02:53:04] [SPEAKER_00]: He seems like a person who wears his frustration and emotions on his sleeve.

[02:53:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, his eyes focus on my face and parts of my body when he talks

[02:53:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to me is always very obvious.

[02:53:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure this is a compulsion that he's exhibiting all the time.

[02:53:17] [SPEAKER_00]: She has surely caught him doing it with other women.

[02:53:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The reason I took to Reddit with a desire to finally talk to his wife

[02:53:23] [SPEAKER_00]: after the police check was because to me, his behavior, if he made

[02:53:26] [SPEAKER_00]: the call was an escalation of what he's been building up all year.

[02:53:30] [SPEAKER_00]: It has been inappropriate all year, but to call the police.

[02:53:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I was shocked to have them show up and it was very frustrating to sit

[02:53:37] [SPEAKER_00]: there and cooperate with a report.

[02:53:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I also don't see how this would help a domestic violence victim.

[02:53:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like it would make things worse for them.

[02:53:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not a DV victim, but the police experience was traumatic for me.

[02:53:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope it helps real victims, but I just don't see how it does.

[02:53:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, I understand that we'll never know if my neighbor made the call

[02:53:56] [SPEAKER_00]: or his wife did, or even someone else.

[02:53:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Aside from the two of them, I have no suspects.

[02:54:02] [SPEAKER_00]: No one else interacted with us and the call happened the next day, so we'd

[02:54:05] [SPEAKER_00]: only be back for one night for those who say it's fair for him to have called it in.

[02:54:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I also personally did not feel at the moment that my neighbor showed me

[02:54:13] [SPEAKER_00]: the concerns someone would have if they suspected domestic violence.

[02:54:16] [SPEAKER_00]: He should have given me a heads up, tried to ask me when my boyfriend

[02:54:19] [SPEAKER_00]: might be out of the house, et cetera.

[02:54:21] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, like a genuinely concerned individual.

[02:54:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Would you spring as a price police on a domestic violence victim

[02:54:27] [SPEAKER_00]: who lives with their abuser?

[02:54:30] [SPEAKER_00]: From his comment to his reaction, he was nothing but crass, rude

[02:54:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and patronizing during our interaction.

[02:54:36] [SPEAKER_00]: He was just getting some kind of satisfaction in trying to start a

[02:54:38] [SPEAKER_00]: childish spat with me because he enjoys trying to get a ride out of

[02:54:41] [SPEAKER_00]: me since his flirting no longer gets him the reaction he craves

[02:54:44] [SPEAKER_00]: because he knows our pleasantries have soured.

[02:54:47] [SPEAKER_00]: There wasn't any concern there.

[02:54:49] [SPEAKER_00]: He was smirking and the behavior leading up to this incident, I feel,

[02:54:53] [SPEAKER_00]: cannot be separated from the scenario.

[02:54:55] [SPEAKER_00]: If it was just an isolated interaction with a neighbor, followed by a police

[02:54:59] [SPEAKER_00]: check, I would understand.

[02:55:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I would not be making this post.

[02:55:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[02:55:03] [SPEAKER_00]: This is getting long.

[02:55:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope this suffices for an update for now.

[02:55:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks again guys.

[02:55:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And there was a couple more comments after the update, which

[02:55:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you replied to, so Millennium Caveman says not the asshole, but

[02:55:15] [SPEAKER_00]: you should check in with a wife and make sure she's okay.

[02:55:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't be surprised if he's got some behavior going on behind

[02:55:20] [SPEAKER_00]: closed doors that keeps her disempowered.

[02:55:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Be her friend.

[02:55:24] [SPEAKER_00]: You can have each other's backs if it ever gets to that point.

[02:55:27] [SPEAKER_00]: It really does sound like he's got some spiteful manipulation going on.

[02:55:31] [SPEAKER_00]: If he's that entitled to get you to cheat on your boyfriend, I'm

[02:55:33] [SPEAKER_00]: honestly concerned for his dynamic with his wife.

[02:55:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope he says lots of people have suggested this in the comments, but

[02:55:40] [SPEAKER_00]: unfortunately I do not know how to approach her, let alone be friends.

[02:55:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like I may not be the right person to check on her.

[02:55:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Initially from day one when I saw them both while we were moving in,

[02:55:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I approached him to say hello.

[02:55:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried directing my attention at his wife and greeted her first, but she

[02:55:55] [SPEAKER_00]: was difficult to engage in 42 male was the open friendlier one who took the

[02:56:00] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation despite my attempts to redirect back to her.

[02:56:03] [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't seem interested.

[02:56:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I've tried to bring up his wife to 42 male when we have our run ins.

[02:56:08] [SPEAKER_00]: It's one of my tactics to keep the conversation appropriate

[02:56:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and prevent his flirting.

[02:56:12] [SPEAKER_00]: But he shuts down when I mentioned her asks about her even simple comments.

[02:56:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And one time he actually became so irritated and frustrated.

[02:56:20] [SPEAKER_00]: When I called him out on that, he said he doesn't like it.

[02:56:22] [SPEAKER_00]: When I talk about his wife, you always bring her up and apologize and

[02:56:27] [SPEAKER_00]: said he's just in a bad mood due to something I got really weirded out by

[02:56:31] [SPEAKER_00]: the sudden shift in his mood, a flash of anger, I terminated the conversation

[02:56:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and made an excuse to go back to my house, have a lot of hesitancy

[02:56:40] [SPEAKER_00]: to approach her.

[02:56:41] [SPEAKER_00]: That's why I haven't.

[02:56:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I always back out.

[02:56:44] [SPEAKER_00]: And then there was a comment just expressing, you know, the fear for

[02:56:47] [SPEAKER_00]: OP and, you know, to document everything, don't interact with him or his wife

[02:56:51] [SPEAKER_00]: in any way.

[02:56:52] [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, just document, document, document.

[02:56:55] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you do want to get a restraining order one day and make things a lot

[02:56:58] [SPEAKER_00]: more easier, even though it's just a bit of paper and it doesn't actually

[02:57:01] [SPEAKER_00]: stop them in the end.

[02:57:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And OP added onto that one that they have got cameras installed and they're

[02:57:06] [SPEAKER_00]: going to be considering window alarms, et cetera.

[02:57:09] [SPEAKER_00]: But how would you deal with this situation?

[02:57:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[02:57:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's move on to another story.

[02:57:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit from

[02:57:22] [SPEAKER_00]: God specific to 058 and says, Am I the arsehole for canceling my birthday

[02:57:28] [SPEAKER_00]: party because my parents cut my sister a slice of my custom made cake

[02:57:32] [SPEAKER_00]: the night before my party when she cried for it.

[02:57:35] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister, 11 female is the miracle golden child.

[02:57:40] [SPEAKER_00]: She always gets what she wants whenever she wants.

[02:57:42] [SPEAKER_00]: My parents are always trying to please her and make her happy.

[02:57:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It was make a big effort for her on her birthday and do whatever that she asks

[02:57:49] [SPEAKER_00]: for, but then they can barely remember mine and they are always conveniently broke.

[02:57:55] [SPEAKER_00]: This year I wanted to enjoy my birthday, so I babysat and even

[02:57:58] [SPEAKER_00]: mowed lawns to make this possible.

[02:58:00] [SPEAKER_00]: My birthday was a few days ago and the party was scheduled for the day after.

[02:58:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been planning for weeks and invited all my friends.

[02:58:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I bought the food, snacks and drinks and picked up my custom made cake,

[02:58:12] [SPEAKER_00]: which I was really excited about.

[02:58:14] [SPEAKER_00]: It was just perfect.

[02:58:15] [SPEAKER_00]: The night before the party, I noticed that my cake, which was in the

[02:58:18] [SPEAKER_00]: fridge had a huge slice missing.

[02:58:22] [SPEAKER_00]: When I asked my dad, he shrugged and nonchalantly said that my sister

[02:58:25] [SPEAKER_00]: was crying for it and it was just a small piece.

[02:58:28] [SPEAKER_00]: My friends wouldn't notice.

[02:58:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I yelled at him, ask him why he would do something like that.

[02:58:33] [SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't even bought with his money.

[02:58:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And that my sister could have waited for tomorrow.

[02:58:38] [SPEAKER_00]: This made him angry and he went on a tirade about how I think I'm an

[02:58:42] [SPEAKER_00]: adult because of my stupid party, implying at the fact that I did

[02:58:46] [SPEAKER_00]: everything myself and did not ask them for anything.

[02:58:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I ended up calling it off because I was not able to change the

[02:58:52] [SPEAKER_00]: location last minute as I didn't have the means to when I was so hurt.

[02:58:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to host it at home anymore.

[02:58:59] [SPEAKER_00]: One of my friends told me that calling it off was an overreaction

[02:59:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and I could have just gone through with doing it at home rather than

[02:59:05] [SPEAKER_00]: canceling just hours before.

[02:59:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Now this is an incredibly sad story.

[02:59:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Look, you're not the asshole in any choice you make.

[02:59:13] [SPEAKER_00]: You need to do what's best for you in this situation.

[02:59:15] [SPEAKER_00]: The only thing that I really dislike and I dislike it for you is

[02:59:19] [SPEAKER_00]: that you're missing out on your party, but at the same time, is it

[02:59:23] [SPEAKER_00]: going to be the party you want?

[02:59:24] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're having a home, your parents are there.

[02:59:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm assuming your little sister will be there and get involved

[02:59:30] [SPEAKER_00]: with them, you know, there's a chance she's going to ruin it or something like that.

[02:59:34] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm always like, why do parents act like this?

[02:59:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Push their children away.

[02:59:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, when you get older and you decide to move out

[02:59:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and want little to do with them anymore, they're going to be all

[02:59:43] [SPEAKER_00]: shocked Pikachu face about it.

[02:59:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You imagine seeing someone's custom or any birthday cake in a fridge

[02:59:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and just thinking, yeah, we'll just take a slice.

[02:59:52] [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't really matter.

[02:59:53] [SPEAKER_00]: The attitude of it, man.

[02:59:55] [SPEAKER_00]: And in a roundabout way, you know, not justifying the behavior at all here.

[03:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: It's sad for this 11 year old at the same time as well,

[03:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: because she's being brought up like this.

[03:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She's being brought up to be enabled to get whatever she wants in life.

[03:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: And she's potentially going to grow up with a really bad attitude,

[03:00:14] [SPEAKER_00]: which just isn't a great thing, is it?

[03:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: But not taking away from what OP is going through.

[03:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't blame you for whatever you choose.

[03:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I just find it really sad that you're going to be missing out

[03:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: on your birthday party with your friends and an enjoyable experience for you.

[03:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And I just hope that there's some way in the future that you do

[03:00:33] [SPEAKER_00]: that you do do something for yourself with your friends

[03:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that hopefully makes up for your birthday.

[03:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: But signal reflection says not the asshole, but next year,

[03:00:41] [SPEAKER_00]: see if you can have your party at someone else's house.

[03:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't invite your family.

[03:00:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Next time something like this happens, just show the cake the way it is.

[03:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Let people ask and let your parents answer.

[03:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Potato soup says canceling the entire thing may have been a bit

[03:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: disproportional to missing out on the opportunity to present a pristine cake.

[03:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: But you do you, I guess.

[03:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Either way, not the asshole.

[03:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Your parents missed a valid opportunity to teach.

[03:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: No, they aren't doing you, your sister or them any favors here.

[03:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Learning how to say no is absolutely necessary in life.

[03:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, they've reinforced a belief your feelings and autonomy do not matter

[03:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: that your sister can get a selfish way by having a tantrum.

[03:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Eleven is more than old enough to be told, no, that isn't mine or yours.

[03:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: We don't get to help ourselves to things that are not ours just because we want to.

[03:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Sleepless says not the asshole, that is really shitty of your dad.

[03:01:34] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to be a kid to enjoy and value your birthday celebration.

[03:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: That was your cake.

[03:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I would have been depressed about it, too.

[03:01:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't invite your parents or your sister to your birthday parties in the future.

[03:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Which nervous replies and says they are going to raise an entitled brat.

[03:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Put this way back in your memory bank for when the brat will be too busy

[03:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: to help out when they are older and they start to guilt trip you.

[03:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a hard no.

[03:01:56] [SPEAKER_00]: You favored her now she gets to take care of you.

[03:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Quick goes the phone.

[03:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry they are favoring her and it's easy to see why you're

[03:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: so disappointed for your 16th.

[03:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Best wishes on finishing school, getting out of the house

[03:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and making a found family, not the asshole.

[03:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: And just imagine the disappointment when opening that fridge

[03:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and seeing a slice of that cake taken, it just goes through their minds, man.

[03:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: But I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[03:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: What do you guys make of this situation?

[03:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[03:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from complaint helpful seven four four two

[03:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and says, am I the asshole for leaving my husband for him

[03:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and his parents rude behavior?

[03:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And before we do get into this, I just want to give you a warning.

[03:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: It does contain death of a parent, emotional abuse, mentions of cancer as well.

[03:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you do want to skip the story, timestamps are always down

[03:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: in the description and long timeline below.

[03:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you. And it says I 25 female have been married to 24 male for four years.

[03:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: The first two years of our marriage, we were stationed in North Carolina,

[03:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: but have since moved to Texas where his family lives.

[03:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Since moving to Texas, I've gotten to know my in-laws

[03:03:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and what I know is that they are all disrespectful,

[03:03:10] [SPEAKER_00]: all of them almost as if it's hereditary.

[03:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Here's a few examples.

[03:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Korean and my husband's family is Mexican.

[03:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: My sister-in-law tried bulgogi, which is beef

[03:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: marinated in a sweet sauce and gagged in front of me when she took a bite of it,

[03:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: spitting it out and complaining that she didn't expect it to taste like that.

[03:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Every time we go out to eat, my in-laws will run the waiters back and forth,

[03:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: asking for special requests and refills.

[03:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: But if they don't like the food or they forget one item that they ordered,

[03:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: they will literally tip the way to change from out of their pocket.

[03:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking like five dollar on a hundred and twenty dollar bill,

[03:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: even if their service was amazing.

[03:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: If we go into a store or go to the gym and it's about to close,

[03:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: it will be the last people to leave and not last.

[03:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: As in they close 9 p.m.

[03:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and they are leaving at 9 p.m.

[03:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Last as in they close at 9 p.m.

[03:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and we're barely walking out the door at 9 15.

[03:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Every time an instance like this happens, my husband and I get into it.

[03:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: They usually end with my husband making excuses like

[03:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that's just the way my family is or I don't care what other people think.

[03:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And neither should you.

[03:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: My last straw was when my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer.

[03:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I flew back to my home in Korea to take care of her for a while

[03:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: when she was getting her chemo.

[03:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I stayed for two weeks before needing to go back to my home in Texas

[03:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: for work obligations.

[03:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: And can you guess who never once reached out to me the whole time I was there?

[03:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Yep, my in-laws.

[03:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Not once did I receive any call or text message.

[03:04:41] [SPEAKER_00]: But even when I came back, did the topic of my mum come up.

[03:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband told me he told them about my mum.

[03:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: So I don't understand why no one could have just checked up on me

[03:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: or at least called my mum.

[03:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: The next time we saw my in-laws was the next day I came back from Korea.

[03:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: They were over for dinner.

[03:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I waited to see what they were going to talk about.

[03:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: And as they continue to discuss in what cows they wanted to buy,

[03:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: I left the room and didn't come out for the rest of the night.

[03:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: When they left, my husband angrily confronted me,

[03:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: telling me how disrespectful I was.

[03:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I honestly didn't even have it in me anymore to fight.

[03:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I just packed my bags and booked the next flight to Korea.

[03:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: All my husband's and in-laws messages and phone calls are being ignored

[03:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: because I just cannot stand their disrespectful behaviour.

[03:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And to hear my husband calling me disrespectful was enough.

[03:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I'm overreacting, but honestly, this behaviour is exhausting.

[03:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I deal with it every time we go out and I am done.

[03:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to be surrounded by people like this,

[03:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'd rather focus my attention on my mum.

[03:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I the asshole?

[03:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to start in the comments with reward hungry,

[03:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: who says first beef bulgogi is delicious.

[03:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Second, it seems like your resentment and frustration

[03:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: had been steadily increasing over time.

[03:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: You expressed your frustration.

[03:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing changed or excuses were made.

[03:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Every action to your mum's diagnosis is the straw that broke the camel's back.

[03:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: How was your husband when you went to Korea for two weeks?

[03:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Not the asshole.

[03:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Ever says sometimes the little things add up and become big things.

[03:06:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Your husband calling you disrespectful is not cool.

[03:06:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Go take care of your mum.

[03:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Just also be aware that any debt your husband incurs

[03:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: while you're still married is half yours, according to US law.

[03:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: So you may want some kind of legal separation or divorce file

[03:06:26] [SPEAKER_00]: to prevent him trying to stick you with some crappy credit card debt.

[03:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Not the asshole for having standards around behaviour

[03:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and for tipping adequately.

[03:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: That's just human decency.

[03:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish more people did.

[03:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Jovely says, while they do sound a bit disrespectful,

[03:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: if this is all that's wrong with them over a period of four years,

[03:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I think you could do a lot worse.

[03:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Speaking from personal experience,

[03:06:48] [SPEAKER_00]: you also amp up the worst situations in your mind to make them even worse.

[03:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: As a European, I have a hard time gauging how bad tipping out of pocket is.

[03:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I rarely, if ever, tip anybody for doing their job.

[03:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm probably as likely to tip a waiter as you are to tipping your mechanic

[03:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: or supermarket employee.

[03:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Cisera says everyone sucks here.

[03:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: They were most definitely disrespectful.

[03:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: And your husband was dismissive of you feeling disrespected.

[03:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: You played passive aggressive games and never once spoke up for yourself.

[03:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't get to be mad that other people don't change their behaviour

[03:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: towards you if you don't actually speak up.

[03:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: So you all suck.

[03:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Nick Leckensai says, who the fuck doesn't like bulgogi?

[03:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, not the asshole at all.

[03:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: They're clearly the kind of people who can dish it out but can't take it.

[03:07:34] [SPEAKER_00]: They want to not care what anyone else thinks of how they act,

[03:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: but then they get their panties in a twist over you leaving the room.

[03:07:41] [SPEAKER_00]: What entitled children?

[03:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And the person telling you that you're overreacting is out of their mind.

[03:07:47] [SPEAKER_00]: You have every right to be fed up with their behaviour and refuse to tolerate it.

[03:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: You put up with it for long enough as it is,

[03:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and you've made efforts to find some kind of middle ground by speaking

[03:07:56] [SPEAKER_00]: to and eventually arguing with your husband.

[03:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: None of them have displayed any respect for you or your feelings, including him.

[03:08:04] [SPEAKER_00]: How would you want to stick around for that?

[03:08:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, I hope your mother is doing better.

[03:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, first off, I've never tried bulgogi before, but it does sound very interesting.

[03:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people in the comments saying it's absolutely amazing.

[03:08:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm also extremely sorry to hear about what your mum's going through

[03:08:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and what you're going through at the same time at the moment.

[03:08:24] [SPEAKER_00]: And there was a fair few comments on this one saying OP,

[03:08:26] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, need to speak up for themselves, etc.

[03:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And I know it's something I say often, but as I was reading it

[03:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and going through it and obviously I don't know their full relationship,

[03:08:36] [SPEAKER_00]: but the question that always goes through my mind is,

[03:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: what does this person bring into your life?

[03:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: It sounds like you're being treated as second best in your relationship

[03:08:45] [SPEAKER_00]: when you're being disrespected, you're being told,

[03:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: that's just how they are. But finally,

[03:08:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and obviously I don't know the full dynamics of this family

[03:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and how much they communicate and all this sort of stuff,

[03:08:56] [SPEAKER_00]: because some of the sentences like not once did I receive any call

[03:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: or text message from the in-laws and they didn't phone to like

[03:09:04] [SPEAKER_00]: call your mum or whatever.

[03:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I don't know the full relationship.

[03:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't sound like you've got a massive bond with them anyway.

[03:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Again, I'm not trying to excuse any kind of behaviour

[03:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: because I find their behaviour totally disrespectful, just like yourself.

[03:09:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I know if any of my sister in-laws, their family is ill

[03:09:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and next time I see them, I'm definitely asking them or on contact in them

[03:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: to ask them how they're doing and how the family member is, etc.

[03:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And if there's any way that we can sort of help them

[03:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and all that kind of thing.

[03:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: But the fact this is being turned around on you sounds like time

[03:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and time again, like one of the comments says, it sounds like

[03:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: it's been building up for a while, but it gets turned around on you

[03:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: every time and you're the one that's being called disrespectful.

[03:09:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't blame you for feeling the way you do.

[03:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Opi adds a reply to someone on this one and says,

[03:09:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for all your responses.

[03:09:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Those that agree with me and those that don't, because it allows me

[03:09:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to see other sides of the situation besides my own.

[03:09:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted to clarify a few things real quickly.

[03:10:00] [SPEAKER_00]: One, I did not divorce my husband.

[03:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm staying in Korea for the time being.

[03:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Two, for those of you asking, my husband did not call me

[03:10:07] [SPEAKER_00]: while I was in Korea the first time.

[03:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Any conversations we had was initiated by me.

[03:10:12] [SPEAKER_00]: He did not reach out to me, nor did my in-laws.

[03:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So Opi does update the post and says to clear things up a little.

[03:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The situation happened over a month ago, and I've been in Korea ever since.

[03:10:24] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I did not get divorced, but we had talked things out

[03:10:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and decided I needed space to take care of my mum first.

[03:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: And whatever problems that we had can be discussed at a better time.

[03:10:35] [SPEAKER_00]: As for my in-laws, I haven't spoken to them since.

[03:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I really wanted to work things out after reading a few of the comments

[03:10:41] [SPEAKER_00]: saying my in-laws behavior is not the fault of my husband.

[03:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought that maybe I was being too judgey over behavior that I'm not used to.

[03:10:49] [SPEAKER_00]: That maybe they're not all bad, but they just have a few faults.

[03:10:53] [SPEAKER_00]: As for my mum, she hasn't been doing so well.

[03:10:56] [SPEAKER_00]: She's been losing a lot of weight because she says that everything

[03:10:59] [SPEAKER_00]: she eats tastes like metal and she's been in constant pain.

[03:11:03] [SPEAKER_00]: It's gotten so bad that she can't even get out of bed by herself.

[03:11:06] [SPEAKER_00]: On top of that, I'm having a tough time watching my mum struggling

[03:11:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and feeling like I don't have anyone on my side during this time,

[03:11:13] [SPEAKER_00]: especially since my husband's family still hasn't reached out to me.

[03:11:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Last week, my husband reached out to me telling me that his mum had tonsillitis

[03:11:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and was going in for surgery.

[03:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Reluctantly, I reached out to her and told her that I'll be praying

[03:11:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and wishing her a safe surgery.

[03:11:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I even had the hospital's gift shop send flowers up to her room

[03:11:32] [SPEAKER_00]: because I couldn't be there.

[03:11:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I figured that maybe they just weren't the type of people to reach out

[03:11:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and that I should put whatever happened in the past.

[03:11:40] [SPEAKER_00]: My husband expressed how grateful she was and how happy she was

[03:11:43] [SPEAKER_00]: to have received the flowers, hoping that I was doing OK in Korea.

[03:11:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, I wasn't.

[03:11:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Fast forward to a week later, my mother's condition had gotten so bad

[03:11:53] [SPEAKER_00]: that she lost her battle with cancer and passed away.

[03:11:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I told my husband what happened and he was in just as much of a shock

[03:11:59] [SPEAKER_00]: as I was. He said that he was sorry, telling me

[03:12:03] [SPEAKER_00]: how much of a good mother she was and how happy she must have been

[03:12:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to have me by her side during her last few days.

[03:12:08] [SPEAKER_00]: We were preparing to get the funeral done in the next few days,

[03:12:11] [SPEAKER_00]: so I asked my husband what day he could be here.

[03:12:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He was hesitant on the phone, saying that he felt bad for my mother and all,

[03:12:18] [SPEAKER_00]: but he also had his mother to worry about

[03:12:21] [SPEAKER_00]: how he needed to be there for her, just like I was there for mine.

[03:12:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I was in complete shock and just hung up the phone.

[03:12:28] [SPEAKER_00]: He's missing my mother's funeral to take care of his mother

[03:12:31] [SPEAKER_00]: who had tonsillitis surgery a week ago.

[03:12:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Unbelievable.

[03:12:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Any chances I ever thought of giving him was completely out the window.

[03:12:39] [SPEAKER_00]: It was insane to believe that he felt like his mum recovering

[03:12:42] [SPEAKER_00]: from a minor surgery was more important than the death of my mum

[03:12:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and his mother-in-law.

[03:12:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying that tonsillectomy isn't important,

[03:12:49] [SPEAKER_00]: but I'm sure she recovered just fine, as it's a very common surgery

[03:12:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and the downtime is one to two weeks.

[03:12:55] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's already been a week.

[03:12:57] [SPEAKER_00]: As of now, I've hired a lawyer to discuss divorce and I'm going to therapy.

[03:13:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I plan on going back to the US to end things with my husband,

[03:13:05] [SPEAKER_00]: quit my job and take my stuff back with me after my mum's funeral.

[03:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: As for his family, I haven't heard from them.

[03:13:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Shocking, right?

[03:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever.

[03:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just glad to be done with him and his family

[03:13:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll be able to focus on myself and my mental health.

[03:13:20] [SPEAKER_00]: And a comment calls OP out on saying, you know,

[03:13:22] [SPEAKER_00]: that it's not a dangerous surgery or whatever and says,

[03:13:25] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, having a tonsure out as an older person is pretty dangerous

[03:13:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and people do die from it.

[03:13:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And OP says, yes, I understand that now that it is not minor,

[03:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: but she is fine and already back to her job working.

[03:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I should have mentioned that.

[03:13:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And for me, as I was feeling whilst reading the story,

[03:13:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I may be right or wrong.

[03:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: As I said, I don't know the full ins and outs of the story.

[03:13:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going for how I was feeling whilst I was reading it.

[03:13:47] [SPEAKER_00]: It just always felt like a build up of this behaviour

[03:13:50] [SPEAKER_00]: throughout a period of time that this has been building up

[03:13:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to this explosive point, basically always being treated like second best

[03:13:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and, you know, not considered by people that should be supportive towards you.

[03:14:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I totally get why you've totally checked out of that.

[03:14:06] [SPEAKER_00]: And once again, I just want to say I'm sorry for what you've been through,

[03:14:09] [SPEAKER_00]: especially with your mum, a lot of that at home for me,

[03:14:13] [SPEAKER_00]: talking about your mother's symptoms and everything

[03:14:17] [SPEAKER_00]: tasting like metal and not eating and losing weight.

[03:14:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, I saw it with my dad and I had a huge support system around me

[03:14:24] [SPEAKER_00]: and lots of people helping with my dad.

[03:14:26] [SPEAKER_00]: So I can't imagine what you've gone through.

[03:14:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And that absolutely breaks my heart for you.

[03:14:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Take time for yourself to grieve in a healthy way, of course, and much love to you.

[03:14:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[03:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: What do you guys make of this situation?

[03:14:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[03:14:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's move on to another story.

[03:14:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And this story comes from Cute Classic 2954 and says,

[03:14:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Do I, 28 female, need to worry about my boyfriend's

[03:14:54] [SPEAKER_00]: 24 male friendship with his professor, 25 female?

[03:14:58] [SPEAKER_00]: And it does come with an update as well.

[03:15:01] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend, 24 male, became friends with his former professor,

[03:15:05] [SPEAKER_00]: 25 female sometime last year.

[03:15:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know what to make of it.

[03:15:10] [SPEAKER_00]: They seem to be friendly and talk consistently every week.

[03:15:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And from what he tells me, it's usually very surface level.

[03:15:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometime last year, after the course ended, my boyfriend,

[03:15:19] [SPEAKER_00]: his professor and some of his male classmates went somewhere to eat together.

[03:15:23] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend brought up that he was going to be attending an event,

[03:15:26] [SPEAKER_00]: plastic modelling show, and his professor showed interest

[03:15:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and invited herself to the event and asked if she could stay at his Airbnb with his friends.

[03:15:36] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend, his friends were all OK with it.

[03:15:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I unfortunately couldn't attend the event,

[03:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: but from what my boyfriend told me, he and a few of his friends met up at their Airbnb.

[03:15:46] [SPEAKER_00]: That same day, his professor comes to my boyfriend's Airbnb

[03:15:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and tagged a few of her girlfriends along.

[03:15:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I believe they all stayed in the same place.

[03:15:53] [SPEAKER_00]: The next day, they go to the event,

[03:15:55] [SPEAKER_00]: went to a bar afterwards and got drinks.

[03:15:57] [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of them, except my boyfriend, got pretty drunk.

[03:16:00] [SPEAKER_00]: And my boyfriend took the liberty of being the designated driver for his professor and her friends.

[03:16:05] [SPEAKER_00]: His professor wants a model kit from the event and even in a drunken state,

[03:16:09] [SPEAKER_00]: asked my boyfriend if he could stay up with her to work on the kit together.

[03:16:13] [SPEAKER_00]: From what my boyfriend tells me, nothing else happened that night.

[03:16:16] [SPEAKER_00]: After the events, everyone from that group created a group chat

[03:16:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and they continued to plan and talk about future events together.

[03:16:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Since then, my boyfriend and his friends had met up with his professor

[03:16:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and got to meet his professor's fiance at the anime convention.

[03:16:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And it sounded like they all got along well.

[03:16:32] [SPEAKER_00]: His professor continues to express interest in other events

[03:16:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and it sounds like she may be attending another event

[03:16:38] [SPEAKER_00]: with my boyfriend and his friends in the near future.

[03:16:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I trust my boyfriend and don't think he is hiding anything from me.

[03:16:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly speaking, I think it's hard for me to understand their friendship,

[03:16:48] [SPEAKER_00]: as it's his professor.

[03:16:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I've had a conversation with him on this and he let me know that I have nothing to worry about.

[03:16:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I would like to hear others' opinions and see what you all think of this friendship.

[03:16:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Is this something I need to be concerned about or is it really nothing?

[03:17:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you all.

[03:17:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Headed, the professor was my boyfriend's former professor.

[03:17:07] [SPEAKER_00]: She's classified as an adjunct faculty and works as an accountant as a full time job,

[03:17:12] [SPEAKER_00]: which explains why she is a young professor.

[03:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend has not graduated college yet and is still a student at his university.

[03:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: So Happy Procrastinator says to the OP,

[03:17:22] [SPEAKER_00]: you should go to one of these events with them.

[03:17:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't understand why you are not being part of it.

[03:17:27] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says, I do struggle with social anxiety,

[03:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: so it makes me uncomfortable to be sharing a space with a lot of unknown people.

[03:17:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm hoping to go to the next event, though, since it's local.

[03:17:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Happy Reply says, just go.

[03:17:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I experience social anxiety too, especially because I'm an introvert.

[03:17:43] [SPEAKER_00]: When I go to social events, it turns out is never as bad as I expected,

[03:17:47] [SPEAKER_00]: especially if I go with someone who cares about me.

[03:17:49] [SPEAKER_00]: You need to go to see their interaction.

[03:17:52] [SPEAKER_00]: OP responds saying thank you and I agree.

[03:17:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I've also learned that it's not as bad as it seems,

[03:17:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and if it is, you always have the choice to leave.

[03:17:59] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend has reassured me that he will be there with me,

[03:18:02] [SPEAKER_00]: so I feel better about that.

[03:18:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Altruistic too says, I don't like it at all.

[03:18:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Not so much from his side, but from hers.

[03:18:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Her social interest and engagement with students is grossly inappropriate

[03:18:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and unprofessional, staying at their Airbnb,

[03:18:16] [SPEAKER_00]: getting drunk and staying up with them when she stays with them.

[03:18:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And then continued socializing.

[03:18:21] [SPEAKER_00]: He has no concerns for boundaries.

[03:18:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Sounds like she's absolutely loving it.

[03:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't just a female friend, it's his teacher.

[03:18:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Presumably not an actual professor because that's too young.

[03:18:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how long his course is, but if it's for a long time yet,

[03:18:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd ask him to keep friendship at a minimum.

[03:18:39] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says I'm totally with you.

[03:18:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm also quite confused of her choice of friends.

[03:18:44] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure why of all places does she choose to share an Airbnb

[03:18:47] [SPEAKER_00]: with a former student and to be drunk with them.

[03:18:50] [SPEAKER_00]: She's classified as an adjunct faculty,

[03:18:53] [SPEAKER_00]: so she is a professor, but is part time.

[03:18:55] [SPEAKER_00]: She works full time as an accountant.

[03:18:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Whole situation feels weird to me.

[03:19:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Individual says you seem kind of hung up on the professor part,

[03:19:03] [SPEAKER_00]: but if he's not in one of our classes now

[03:19:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and won't have to take one of our classes again, then it's not that crazy.

[03:19:09] [SPEAKER_00]: If a kindergartener is six and his teacher is seven,

[03:19:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't be too surprised they might become friends.

[03:19:14] [SPEAKER_00]: That is not to say I think it is OK because I don't.

[03:19:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Everything could be above board, but I'd also be a little uncomfortable if I were you.

[03:19:21] [SPEAKER_00]: How can someone be a professor at 25?

[03:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says, yeah, the fact that she was his professor is what is weird to me.

[03:19:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Like this is just not a friend he made in class.

[03:19:30] [SPEAKER_00]: This is a person who held a higher position above him.

[03:19:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I currently work in higher education,

[03:19:35] [SPEAKER_00]: so this situation just strikes me as uncomfortable for sure.

[03:19:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And then says about the adjunct faculty.

[03:19:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Around a month and a week later, OP updates and says my boyfriend

[03:19:44] [SPEAKER_00]: had a more of a heart to heart talk regarding his teacher.

[03:19:47] [SPEAKER_00]: He recognizes that across some of my boundaries,

[03:19:49] [SPEAKER_00]: he believes that she may be behaving the way she does because

[03:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: when she hangs out with her fiance's friends, she gets bored with them

[03:19:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and may possibly be seeking attention from other people.

[03:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Several weeks later, my boyfriend had a conversation

[03:20:02] [SPEAKER_00]: with his college instructor regarding their friendship

[03:20:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and told her how I didn't feel comfortable of their friendship

[03:20:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and how he thinks they should keep communication at a minimum.

[03:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: She brought up how she understands because her fiance

[03:20:12] [SPEAKER_00]: also had an issue with how she chose to share an Airbnb with my boyfriend.

[03:20:17] [SPEAKER_00]: She mentions to my boyfriend that she sees him as a brother,

[03:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and that's why she feels really comfortable with him

[03:20:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and that she will try to respect my boyfriend's wishes

[03:20:25] [SPEAKER_00]: of keeping conversations at a minimum.

[03:20:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, even after that talk, she continues to still message

[03:20:30] [SPEAKER_00]: my boyfriend weekly on random life updates

[03:20:33] [SPEAKER_00]: because she is also part of my boyfriend's chat and discord.

[03:20:36] [SPEAKER_00]: One of his friends invited her to attend another plastic modeling show

[03:20:40] [SPEAKER_00]: that occurred recently and dinner.

[03:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Since she accepted the invitations, I chose to attend as well

[03:20:45] [SPEAKER_00]: so that I could personally meet her.

[03:20:47] [SPEAKER_00]: The dinner occurred first and it was very uncomfortable

[03:20:49] [SPEAKER_00]: because she practically ignored me the entire night.

[03:20:53] [SPEAKER_00]: When she joined us at the table,

[03:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: she greeted my boyfriend but didn't say anything to me.

[03:20:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Even my boyfriend noticed and got annoyed, but then introduced us.

[03:21:01] [SPEAKER_00]: She got increasingly drunk throughout the night

[03:21:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and was saying random stuff about my boyfriend to his friends like

[03:21:06] [SPEAKER_00]: he could have been the best student in my class,

[03:21:08] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's because he missed some assignments and boyfriend's name

[03:21:12] [SPEAKER_00]: gave me a five star review on Rape My Professor.

[03:21:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She ended up not going to the show,

[03:21:16] [SPEAKER_00]: but my boyfriend had a chat with his guys and they told him

[03:21:19] [SPEAKER_00]: that they want to respect my feelings too and make it a guys night next time.

[03:21:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I would like to hear others' opinions

[03:21:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and see if you also think she is acting suspicious.

[03:21:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone just comes right out and says to OP

[03:21:32] [SPEAKER_00]: she wants to have sex with your boyfriend.

[03:21:33] [SPEAKER_00]: She's crossing major boundaries and has he stopped the conversation with her?

[03:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: OP says I wouldn't be surprised if that is her intention

[03:21:40] [SPEAKER_00]: because there's definitely some shady people out there.

[03:21:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I agree she is crossing some professional and personal boundaries.

[03:21:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I think it's quite unusual behavior for any teacher to act like that.

[03:21:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, he has stopped communicating with her.

[03:21:52] [SPEAKER_00]: She was consistently messaging him until last week.

[03:21:55] [SPEAKER_00]: So hopefully she got the memo.

[03:21:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, firstly, I've never heard of a plastic modeling show.

[03:22:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I looked that up and that looks cool as hell.

[03:22:03] [SPEAKER_00]: And I got to say, you know, I'm not very clued up on all this sort of stuff,

[03:22:07] [SPEAKER_00]: but it did feel very, very inappropriate to me, that whole relationship.

[03:22:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And the fact that the first time you meet her, she ignores you

[03:22:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and starts treating you in a specific way.

[03:22:17] [SPEAKER_00]: It kind of said it all to me, really.

[03:22:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like she was crossing boundaries and, you know,

[03:22:23] [SPEAKER_00]: she confirmed yours and my suspicions when you finally met her.

[03:22:27] [SPEAKER_00]: When she said she actually looks at the boyfriend as like the brother,

[03:22:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, hold on.

[03:22:32] [SPEAKER_00]: But what do you guys make of this situation?

[03:22:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[03:22:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And our next story comes from user Father-in-law said no from the relationship

[03:22:43] [SPEAKER_00]: so reddit and says my girlfriend, 25 and I, 27 male, have been together for five years.

[03:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Today, I asked her father 59 for his blessing to post her on the coming weekend.

[03:22:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And he said no.

[03:22:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Carl equals girlfriend's father because Carl the llama.

[03:23:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Some background, we've been in a relationship for five years

[03:23:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and living together for four.

[03:23:05] [SPEAKER_00]: And this is the best, most satisfying relationship I've had in all my life.

[03:23:09] [SPEAKER_00]: She works in the health care industry and her kindness towards those in need

[03:23:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and less privileged than her is what drew me to ask her out in the first place.

[03:23:17] [SPEAKER_00]: In the last four years between us, there have been some little fights

[03:23:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and only one big fight.

[03:23:23] [SPEAKER_00]: The fight happened in October 2014.

[03:23:26] [SPEAKER_00]: She planned for a lunch with Carl, which I had to miss

[03:23:29] [SPEAKER_00]: because of work related emergency.

[03:23:32] [SPEAKER_00]: He called me later that night saying that I don't show him the respect he deserves.

[03:23:36] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm always trying to get out of family events because I don't want to be around him,

[03:23:40] [SPEAKER_00]: which is not true because half of the planning and organizing on his birthday

[03:23:44] [SPEAKER_00]: was on me. That was a big event.

[03:23:47] [SPEAKER_00]: In the morning, I told girlfriend about his call

[03:23:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and she brushed it off as him being intoxicated.

[03:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: The next weekend, when we went to a parents place for family dinner,

[03:23:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Carl was extremely hostile towards me, but I kept silent about it

[03:24:00] [SPEAKER_00]: until he said I should not have missed a lunch every other Sunday

[03:24:04] [SPEAKER_00]: his family dinner at her folks place and I rarely miss it.

[03:24:07] [SPEAKER_00]: So I didn't think it was a big deal.

[03:24:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I apologized to him and said that I would make up for it in some way.

[03:24:13] [SPEAKER_00]: At the next dinner, I bought a bunch of smart wearable accessories for him

[03:24:17] [SPEAKER_00]: because girlfriend suggested he was interested in them.

[03:24:20] [SPEAKER_00]: He refused to accept the gift.

[03:24:21] [SPEAKER_00]: And when I insisted, he walked out saying he needs a man

[03:24:25] [SPEAKER_00]: had no clue what was going on and girlfriend's mum was mortified,

[03:24:29] [SPEAKER_00]: apologizing to me over and over again for Carl's behavior.

[03:24:33] [SPEAKER_00]: When we got home, I asked girlfriend if there was something going on,

[03:24:36] [SPEAKER_00]: which she was not telling me.

[03:24:38] [SPEAKER_00]: At first, she tried to brush it off, but then she said

[03:24:40] [SPEAKER_00]: it was my fault for not seeing that her father was not interested

[03:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: in being buddies and wanted my respect, not friendship.

[03:24:48] [SPEAKER_00]: This was a complete surprise to me because I never really thought of him

[03:24:51] [SPEAKER_00]: as anything more than a father.

[03:24:53] [SPEAKER_00]: We would just watch the game together sometimes and chat about it later.

[03:24:57] [SPEAKER_00]: But that was the extent of our social interaction.

[03:25:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Girlfriend said I need to earn his respect and I told her I had done nothing wrong.

[03:25:05] [SPEAKER_00]: That's when the fight started.

[03:25:07] [SPEAKER_00]: But a few days later, Carl called me and said he liked the watch

[03:25:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and other accessories.

[03:25:12] [SPEAKER_00]: That's his way of declaring truce, I guess.

[03:25:15] [SPEAKER_00]: After that, I was always extra careful never to miss any event with them.

[03:25:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Last June, girlfriend's mother died and it was an incredibly difficult time

[03:25:24] [SPEAKER_00]: for everyone.

[03:25:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to be as supportive towards the whole family as I could.

[03:25:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I cut down my work hours to spend more time with them.

[03:25:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Girlfriend and I started cooking the family dinner at his place

[03:25:34] [SPEAKER_00]: because she thought it would be better for him to see the house

[03:25:37] [SPEAKER_00]: alive with people again.

[03:25:39] [SPEAKER_00]: We made it an every week event for a while just to spend more time with him.

[03:25:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Multiple times, we made extra effort to host family events.

[03:25:47] [SPEAKER_00]: And once we even flew his elder sister over for his birthday,

[03:25:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought he was warm up to me a little, but I guess I was wrong.

[03:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Which brings us to today.

[03:25:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Girlfriend is away for the week on work related stuff,

[03:25:59] [SPEAKER_00]: so I planned the whole proposal.

[03:26:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I was going to decorate apartment like a planetarium with stars and planets

[03:26:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and write, Will you marry me in the stars?

[03:26:08] [SPEAKER_00]: It's from friends, which she is obsessed with.

[03:26:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to start the preparations with his blessing because that way

[03:26:15] [SPEAKER_00]: he would feel good about me asking him first and he'd feel included also.

[03:26:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I planned the lunch with him for today to ask for his blessing.

[03:26:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I told him how much respect I had for him and that I wish one day

[03:26:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I could be as good as a father as he was.

[03:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And when I asked for his blessing for the marriage, he blew up.

[03:26:32] [SPEAKER_00]: He was absolutely livid, saying that her daughter deserves a better man

[03:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and that he never really liked me much.

[03:26:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd always hoped the relationship would end.

[03:26:40] [SPEAKER_00]: He said all the ass kissing I was doing last year

[03:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: had showed that I just wanted to appear like a good man to girlfriend

[03:26:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and didn't mean any of that.

[03:26:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I was so shocked because this is not how I expected it to go at all.

[03:26:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I left him still spewing hate, told him and his wife everything,

[03:26:56] [SPEAKER_00]: but they're just as shocked as I am.

[03:26:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I spent the day at their place and got home about two hours ago.

[03:27:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Not sure how to proceed now or even what to do.

[03:27:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Should I tell girlfriend that her father said no?

[03:27:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Should I proceed as if nothing had happened?

[03:27:10] [SPEAKER_00]: But now I'm drinking and playing video games.

[03:27:12] [SPEAKER_00]: What should I do, Reddit?

[03:27:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Note, I've kept a lot of details intentionally vague

[03:27:17] [SPEAKER_00]: because girlfriend and her siblings are active on Reddit.

[03:27:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, your potential future father-in-law has told you exactly where he stands.

[03:27:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, that would be the end of that relationship for me.

[03:27:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to stand there and, you know, try to be nice to him

[03:27:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and all this kind of thing when he's not respecting you either.

[03:27:34] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, he's all this stuff about, you know, earning his respect,

[03:27:37] [SPEAKER_00]: but he's not showing you any of that.

[03:27:39] [SPEAKER_00]: And many people don't agree with this whole asking for blessings

[03:27:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and stuff like that in today's day and age.

[03:27:45] [SPEAKER_00]: But, you know, he wasn't asking him for his respect.

[03:27:49] [SPEAKER_00]: He wasn't asking for his permission in this.

[03:27:51] [SPEAKER_00]: So you can ask your girlfriend anyway.

[03:27:52] [SPEAKER_00]: And I think, you know, from my personal point of view,

[03:27:54] [SPEAKER_00]: if I was in your position, I'd be telling your girlfriend,

[03:27:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd be setting up boundaries and saying, he doesn't like me.

[03:27:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not having anything to do with him no more.

[03:28:02] [SPEAKER_00]: And girlfriend's got to decide what she wants to do

[03:28:04] [SPEAKER_00]: with that information in the end.

[03:28:06] [SPEAKER_00]: And he used a quotes OP where he said he was absolutely livid

[03:28:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and then says, there are some people that don't trust kindness.

[03:28:12] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't win them over.

[03:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Everything is always a suspect or sign of deviousness.

[03:28:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell your girlfriend about this before you propose.

[03:28:19] [SPEAKER_00]: She needs to know what she's going to walk into with her family

[03:28:21] [SPEAKER_00]: before she says yes to you.

[03:28:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Hopefully, she still wants to marry and is prepared

[03:28:25] [SPEAKER_00]: to deal with her family appropriately.

[03:28:27] [SPEAKER_00]: If so, you get married without his blessing

[03:28:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and stop trying for this guy.

[03:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Just ignore him from now on and avoid a family events

[03:28:34] [SPEAKER_00]: whenever possible.

[03:28:35] [SPEAKER_00]: He has to have a change of heart in order to treat you decently

[03:28:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to let him experience absence and grow desire to change

[03:28:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and not drive people away.

[03:28:44] [SPEAKER_00]: And after that comment

[03:28:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and just looking back at it as well,

[03:28:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and the girlfriend keep brushing off this kind of behavior

[03:28:49] [SPEAKER_00]: from father.

[03:28:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And I have to say that she's also enabling this.

[03:28:53] [SPEAKER_00]: She's don't worry about it.

[03:28:54] [SPEAKER_00]: He was just intoxicated, excusing his behavior

[03:28:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and the way he's being shitty towards you,

[03:28:59] [SPEAKER_00]: which is also not on.

[03:29:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Another commenter says,

[03:29:02] [SPEAKER_00]: propose your girlfriend anyway.

[03:29:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Asking the father's permission is archaic and ridiculous.

[03:29:08] [SPEAKER_00]: If you and your girlfriend love each other,

[03:29:09] [SPEAKER_00]: it doesn't matter if daddy approves or not.

[03:29:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Edit, obviously if it's something she thinks

[03:29:14] [SPEAKER_00]: is important, then you have an issue.

[03:29:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If not, ignore a jerk off dad and marry her.

[03:29:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Another user says proposed to her anyway.

[03:29:21] [SPEAKER_00]: You're both adults and you know where a father stands.

[03:29:24] [SPEAKER_00]: If she wants to marry you,

[03:29:25] [SPEAKER_00]: she will marry you whether or not he approves.

[03:29:28] [SPEAKER_00]: And if he doesn't, he will come around

[03:29:30] [SPEAKER_00]: just like he came around with the wearables.

[03:29:32] [SPEAKER_00]: At the same time,

[03:29:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I think you've been brown nosing him too much,

[03:29:35] [SPEAKER_00]: which is understandable, but you have a life.

[03:29:37] [SPEAKER_00]: You have a good excuse for not being there

[03:29:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and he can be more understanding of that.

[03:29:41] [SPEAKER_00]: You can be more assertive.

[03:29:43] [SPEAKER_00]: He'll respect you for standing up for yourself.

[03:29:45] [SPEAKER_00]: And another user says, this would get buried but heck.

[03:29:49] [SPEAKER_00]: This kind of guy I would choose battle.

[03:29:51] [SPEAKER_00]: In no roundabout way tell him you will fight for a hand.

[03:29:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Roll your sleeves up and get your fist ready.

[03:29:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Either he'll fight you and win,

[03:30:00] [SPEAKER_00]: but respect you for fighting

[03:30:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and potentially change his mind.

[03:30:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Or you win and he has to suck it up.

[03:30:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty sure he would leave his crap

[03:30:07] [SPEAKER_00]: at the door after this though.

[03:30:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Come on man.

[03:30:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I just put some sort of wild situation in my hand,

[03:30:15] [SPEAKER_00]: like this guy turned up to the dad,

[03:30:16] [SPEAKER_00]: knocking on the door.

[03:30:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Future father-in-law, I'm here for your blessing.

[03:30:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Can I marry your daughter?

[03:30:23] [SPEAKER_00]: He turns around and says no.

[03:30:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, a duel it is.

[03:30:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Meet me in the garden at sunrise.

[03:30:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Bring your dueling pistols.

[03:30:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh man.

[03:30:34] [SPEAKER_00]: And roughly around three years later,

[03:30:36] [SPEAKER_00]: OP made another post in the relationship advice subreddit

[03:30:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and said, I'm trapped in a marriage

[03:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I think is one sided and I need advice.

[03:30:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure what I would get out of this.

[03:30:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like writing it all down

[03:30:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and having a stranger over it

[03:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: might give me some mental clarity.

[03:30:52] [SPEAKER_00]: But I think at this point

[03:30:53] [SPEAKER_00]: there's no way to salvage our marriage.

[03:30:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Also English is not my native language

[03:30:57] [SPEAKER_00]: so apologies for any errors which cause misunderstandings.

[03:31:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been in a relationship with my wife

[03:31:03] [SPEAKER_00]: for almost nine years now.

[03:31:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Married for two.

[03:31:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Our relationship has been for the most part

[03:31:08] [SPEAKER_00]: a fulfilling and satisfying one for the both of us.

[03:31:12] [SPEAKER_00]: It seemed like I'm making self congratulating posts

[03:31:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but we've become better people by virtue of being together.

[03:31:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm an old fashioned person

[03:31:20] [SPEAKER_00]: so it was difficult to meet a woman

[03:31:21] [SPEAKER_00]: who liked the things I liked

[03:31:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and had the opinions I had.

[03:31:25] [SPEAKER_00]: The only unsavory part of our relationship over the years

[03:31:27] [SPEAKER_00]: has been my relationship with my father-in-law.

[03:31:30] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife and I rarely have disagreements

[03:31:32] [SPEAKER_00]: so most of the major fights we've had

[03:31:34] [SPEAKER_00]: were because of her father.

[03:31:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to be clear here that I don't hate him.

[03:31:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I respect the guy.

[03:31:40] [SPEAKER_00]: He sacrificed a lot in his personal life

[03:31:42] [SPEAKER_00]: in order to provide for his family

[03:31:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and to make sure my wife was raised with love and care.

[03:31:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I used to look up to him

[03:31:48] [SPEAKER_00]: in the earlier years of the relationship.

[03:31:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Here my mother-in-law would host a family

[03:31:52] [SPEAKER_00]: twice every week.

[03:31:54] [SPEAKER_00]: When I first started dating their daughter

[03:31:55] [SPEAKER_00]: it took me by surprise how close they were as a family.

[03:31:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I really like the family events

[03:32:01] [SPEAKER_00]: with these picturesque dinners

[03:32:02] [SPEAKER_00]: of mild conflicts and contentment.

[03:32:05] [SPEAKER_00]: But how close my wife was with all of her siblings

[03:32:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and her parents too.

[03:32:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Early on in the relationship

[03:32:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I think I freaked out my wife

[03:32:12] [SPEAKER_00]: by how much I enjoyed being at her parents' house.

[03:32:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Her mother was a saint of a woman

[03:32:16] [SPEAKER_00]: who gave me so much love from the get-go.

[03:32:18] [SPEAKER_00]: She would always make sure

[03:32:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I was included in family activities

[03:32:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and often reserved a seat for me

[03:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: at the family dinner right next to her,

[03:32:25] [SPEAKER_00]: talking to me like I was one of her own.

[03:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I remember one time I was over at their place

[03:32:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and had to get back to the city for work.

[03:32:32] [SPEAKER_00]: It was getting pretty late when I got up to leave

[03:32:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and it had been snowing.

[03:32:36] [SPEAKER_00]: She came down from her room when I was leaving

[03:32:38] [SPEAKER_00]: with an overcoat of her husband

[03:32:39] [SPEAKER_00]: saying I should take the coat with me, just in case.

[03:32:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's because she knew my car got cold those days.

[03:32:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It was a piece of shit car getting to the end of its life.

[03:32:49] [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't want me to feel like she thought less of me

[03:32:51] [SPEAKER_00]: just because I made less money than my wife.

[03:32:54] [SPEAKER_00]: These little mum things she would do

[03:32:55] [SPEAKER_00]: made me love her so much.

[03:32:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, the reason I bring up my mother-in-law

[03:33:00] [SPEAKER_00]: was because I think she was the reason

[03:33:02] [SPEAKER_00]: her husband was accepting of me at the time.

[03:33:03] [SPEAKER_00]: She died four years ago and it somehow changed him.

[03:33:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I think his love me to broke or something.

[03:33:10] [SPEAKER_00]: He started acting like I somehow slighted him all the time.

[03:33:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Like one time my wife and I were bringing over

[03:33:15] [SPEAKER_00]: some groceries and restocking everything

[03:33:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and I thought it'd be nice to stay for dinner

[03:33:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and cook for him.

[03:33:20] [SPEAKER_00]: While he was out for his evening walk,

[03:33:22] [SPEAKER_00]: wife and I prepared a nice dinner.

[03:33:24] [SPEAKER_00]: At dinner, he thanked my wife for it.

[03:33:26] [SPEAKER_00]: She mentioned that I did most of the work for it

[03:33:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and he kind of looked at me and just stopped talking.

[03:33:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Another time in September of 2016,

[03:33:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we were staying at his place for the weekend

[03:33:37] [SPEAKER_00]: because we were cooking the family dinner.

[03:33:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Early morning, wife and I were sitting

[03:33:41] [SPEAKER_00]: on the breakfast counter just starting our day

[03:33:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and we thought he was out

[03:33:45] [SPEAKER_00]: because he was usually the first one up.

[03:33:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I hit my wife on her leg over a stupid pun or something

[03:33:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and I guess he saw because he came over

[03:33:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and started yelling at me about not being raised right

[03:33:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and being a woman beater.

[03:33:57] [SPEAKER_00]: He said a lot of extremely toxic things about me

[03:33:59] [SPEAKER_00]: before my younger sister-in-law came into the kitchen

[03:34:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and practically dragged him out.

[03:34:04] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife repeatedly said that it was a joke

[03:34:06] [SPEAKER_00]: but he wouldn't accept the explanation,

[03:34:08] [SPEAKER_00]: saying she sticks up for me.

[03:34:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Similarly, I remember one time

[03:34:12] [SPEAKER_00]: this was when his wife was alive.

[03:34:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I bought him a gift and he straight up refused

[03:34:16] [SPEAKER_00]: to accept it in front of the whole family.

[03:34:19] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife's mother, brother and his family,

[03:34:21] [SPEAKER_00]: including sister-in-law, both sisters,

[03:34:23] [SPEAKER_00]: their husbands and the elder sister's kid were there.

[03:34:26] [SPEAKER_00]: It was such a humiliating experience for me.

[03:34:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted the man to not hate me all the time.

[03:34:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I think my mother-in-law forced him to accept the gift

[03:34:34] [SPEAKER_00]: after a few days and made him apologize to me.

[03:34:37] [SPEAKER_00]: After my mother-in-law died, he changed.

[03:34:40] [SPEAKER_00]: It was like his filter was gone.

[03:34:42] [SPEAKER_00]: He would stay in his room a lot,

[03:34:44] [SPEAKER_00]: only come out for his errands and walks.

[03:34:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He wouldn't watch the games with me saying,

[03:34:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I talk too much.

[03:34:49] [SPEAKER_00]: He wouldn't let me fix anything at the house

[03:34:51] [SPEAKER_00]: despite me practically living there

[03:34:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and having done a lot of work in the house in the past.

[03:34:55] [SPEAKER_00]: A popular theory among my friends was that he hated me

[03:34:58] [SPEAKER_00]: because I was too close to his wife, which sounds so absurd.

[03:35:02] [SPEAKER_00]: She was a maternal figure in my life

[03:35:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and I can't for the life of me understand

[03:35:05] [SPEAKER_00]: why that would piss him off.

[03:35:07] [SPEAKER_00]: She was nice to everyone.

[03:35:09] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife is nice to everyone too,

[03:35:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to the point of it being a fault.

[03:35:13] [SPEAKER_00]: My mother-in-law used to say that she had four sons,

[03:35:16] [SPEAKER_00]: her son, two husbands of my wife's sisters and me.

[03:35:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't that like I was inappropriately close

[03:35:21] [SPEAKER_00]: with a woman?

[03:35:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I've discussed this with my wife a lot too

[03:35:24] [SPEAKER_00]: but she is always insistent that my relationship

[03:35:27] [SPEAKER_00]: with her mother has nothing to do with it.

[03:35:30] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife is the youngest daughter

[03:35:31] [SPEAKER_00]: so she treats her father with a lot of love and respect.

[03:35:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Early on in our relationship his behaviour wasn't an issue

[03:35:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and by the time it became an issue

[03:35:39] [SPEAKER_00]: we were already too serious for me

[03:35:41] [SPEAKER_00]: to break it off over this.

[03:35:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone else in her family likes me as far as I know.

[03:35:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been invited over by both of her sisters

[03:35:47] [SPEAKER_00]: at multiple times for lunches, dinners, favours, etc.

[03:35:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone treats me like I'm family.

[03:35:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I've talked to the eldest sister

[03:35:54] [SPEAKER_00]: about why their father hates me

[03:35:56] [SPEAKER_00]: but she always maintained that he doesn't hate me.

[03:35:59] [SPEAKER_00]: She says he loves his youngest daughter a lot

[03:36:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and has always been a difficult person to please

[03:36:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and honestly I can see that it's true.

[03:36:06] [SPEAKER_00]: On an average day he's most tolerant of me

[03:36:08] [SPEAKER_00]: out of all of his sons-in-law

[03:36:09] [SPEAKER_00]: but they all live in different cities or states

[03:36:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and wife and I live in the same neighbourhood

[03:36:14] [SPEAKER_00]: so he gets to see me more.

[03:36:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure a part of his resentment

[03:36:18] [SPEAKER_00]: is because of that too.

[03:36:19] [SPEAKER_00]: After my mother-in-law died we were all heartbroken.

[03:36:22] [SPEAKER_00]: A few days after her funeral

[03:36:24] [SPEAKER_00]: when everyone was starting to leave

[03:36:25] [SPEAKER_00]: my wife and I were going through some of the stuff

[03:36:28] [SPEAKER_00]: that her mother left her.

[03:36:29] [SPEAKER_00]: She started getting choked up about the fact

[03:36:31] [SPEAKER_00]: that the house felt like it had died with her.

[03:36:34] [SPEAKER_00]: We decided that we're going to take on the mantle

[03:36:36] [SPEAKER_00]: of cooking for family dinners like our mum used to do.

[03:36:39] [SPEAKER_00]: It was a pretty big responsibility

[03:36:41] [SPEAKER_00]: considering the family is almost never all together

[03:36:43] [SPEAKER_00]: except maybe one holiday a year.

[03:36:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it would just be my father-in-law,

[03:36:48] [SPEAKER_00]: brother-in-law and his family and us.

[03:36:50] [SPEAKER_00]: It was actually really nice for a while.

[03:36:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone kept visiting once in a while

[03:36:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and the routine was nice.

[03:36:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I was glad to have more time for family

[03:36:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and not being harassed by father-in-law.

[03:37:00] [SPEAKER_00]: It felt like he was warming up to me.

[03:37:02] [SPEAKER_00]: At that time wife and I started talking about marriage

[03:37:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and it just felt right.

[03:37:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I was ever more sure about anything

[03:37:08] [SPEAKER_00]: than about marrying my wife at the time.

[03:37:11] [SPEAKER_00]: There was a brief moment before the engagement

[03:37:12] [SPEAKER_00]: where she and I got into a fight

[03:37:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but things worked out nicely.

[03:37:16] [SPEAKER_00]: We got engaged in May and it just set things in motion.

[03:37:19] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife is the youngest child in our family

[03:37:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and she got a lot of positive attention from her siblings.

[03:37:24] [SPEAKER_00]: It kept her mother's wedding accessories for her

[03:37:26] [SPEAKER_00]: which honestly was just a nice thing to do.

[03:37:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And slowly over the months it became this big

[03:37:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and happy event in our family.

[03:37:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Winter of 2016 when we got married

[03:37:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and my wife sat me down and asked me if it'd be okay

[03:37:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to move back in with her father to take care of him.

[03:37:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I think that was the moment

[03:37:42] [SPEAKER_00]: where I made the stupidest decision of my life

[03:37:44] [SPEAKER_00]: when I said yes.

[03:37:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I was blinded by love,

[03:37:47] [SPEAKER_00]: not just for my wife but for her family,

[03:37:49] [SPEAKER_00]: for her mother who I miss so much,

[03:37:51] [SPEAKER_00]: for her father who liked me but never really accepted me,

[03:37:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and for her siblings who liked me like I was their own.

[03:37:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I just thought about what would be best for everyone else.

[03:38:01] [SPEAKER_00]: A month after we moved in my father-in-law asked his son

[03:38:04] [SPEAKER_00]: if he could come stay with them for a while.

[03:38:06] [SPEAKER_00]: At the time it felt like a good thing

[03:38:08] [SPEAKER_00]: that he was moving past the grief of his wife's death.

[03:38:11] [SPEAKER_00]: But I don't think that's why he visited his son.

[03:38:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He just wanted to get out of the house because of me.

[03:38:17] [SPEAKER_00]: A few weeks later when he got back

[03:38:18] [SPEAKER_00]: his passive aggressive bullshit started again.

[03:38:21] [SPEAKER_00]: But this time it was just constant nagging

[03:38:23] [SPEAKER_00]: over small petty things.

[03:38:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I moved the chair, no I didn't.

[03:38:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I broke the thermostat, no I changed it for good measure.

[03:38:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I forgot to put the tools back.

[03:38:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I messed up the library, things like that.

[03:38:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Almost if I'm a child who's unwanted in the house.

[03:38:38] [SPEAKER_00]: May 2017 we had a huge fight

[03:38:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and I gave my wife a choice to either live with me

[03:38:43] [SPEAKER_00]: or live with her father.

[03:38:45] [SPEAKER_00]: That made her have a fight with her father

[03:38:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and she decided she was gonna move out

[03:38:48] [SPEAKER_00]: because in her own words

[03:38:50] [SPEAKER_00]: he's never going to accept you as his son.

[03:38:52] [SPEAKER_00]: He's delusional in grief.

[03:38:54] [SPEAKER_00]: So we moved out but still live close by

[03:38:56] [SPEAKER_00]: because both our jobs were quite close.

[03:38:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Our moving out however messed up

[03:39:00] [SPEAKER_00]: the whole family dinner tradition

[03:39:01] [SPEAKER_00]: as our father refused to come to our place for dinners

[03:39:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and we couldn't afford to host a whole family

[03:39:06] [SPEAKER_00]: in our small apartment.

[03:39:07] [SPEAKER_00]: It became a logistical nightmare.

[03:39:10] [SPEAKER_00]: So our brother stepped up and said he was going to do it.

[03:39:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I think their father was really mad at me

[03:39:14] [SPEAKER_00]: for ruining the tradition

[03:39:15] [SPEAKER_00]: because at every single dinner I had with him

[03:39:18] [SPEAKER_00]: he wanted nothing to do with me.

[03:39:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I actually liked it this way

[03:39:21] [SPEAKER_00]: because it was nice to not be attacked

[03:39:23] [SPEAKER_00]: or defended all the time

[03:39:24] [SPEAKER_00]: but my wife started resenting me for it

[03:39:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and I think a younger sister and brother did too.

[03:39:30] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been almost two years since we moved out.

[03:39:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't attend family dinners with much regularity

[03:39:35] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe once a month if I'm being generous.

[03:39:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I also got busier at work

[03:39:39] [SPEAKER_00]: so I've been spending less time with wife

[03:39:41] [SPEAKER_00]: during the weekdays

[03:39:42] [SPEAKER_00]: which I prefer because a resentment towards me

[03:39:44] [SPEAKER_00]: is making it very difficult situation.

[03:39:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He goes over to her brother's house every other weekend

[03:39:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and the other weekend is spent at her father's place

[03:39:51] [SPEAKER_00]: where her brother's family and she get together for dinner.

[03:39:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The only person on my side is my older sister-in-law

[03:39:57] [SPEAKER_00]: because she thinks her father has treated me badly.

[03:40:00] [SPEAKER_00]: She's visited us twice over the last year

[03:40:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and it's the only time I've gotten any affection

[03:40:04] [SPEAKER_00]: from my in-laws.

[03:40:06] [SPEAKER_00]: It feels like up until two years ago

[03:40:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I had a huge family who all loved me

[03:40:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and now I'm getting more and more lonely by the month.

[03:40:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't help but feel that the marriage

[03:40:15] [SPEAKER_00]: has changed our lives for the worse.

[03:40:17] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been more than two months

[03:40:19] [SPEAKER_00]: since my wife and I have been intimate in our bedroom.

[03:40:21] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been a lot longer since we've had a date

[03:40:23] [SPEAKER_00]: for ourselves.

[03:40:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm at a complete loss as to what I can do

[03:40:26] [SPEAKER_00]: to improve things.

[03:40:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Though on the back of this one,

[03:40:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the great goatsie asks OP,

[03:40:31] [SPEAKER_00]: they said this was quite a journey

[03:40:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and I feel awful for you man.

[03:40:34] [SPEAKER_00]: If I may ask, have you at any point sat down

[03:40:36] [SPEAKER_00]: with your father-in-law to speak calmly

[03:40:38] [SPEAKER_00]: about how his treatment of you

[03:40:39] [SPEAKER_00]: affects not only you but your marriage?

[03:40:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever attempted to ask him straight up

[03:40:43] [SPEAKER_00]: what his problem with you is?

[03:40:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It sounds like an extremely tense environment

[03:40:47] [SPEAKER_00]: that's been made so much worse

[03:40:48] [SPEAKER_00]: through the passivity of everyone involved.

[03:40:51] [SPEAKER_00]: The loss of your mother-in-law

[03:40:52] [SPEAKER_00]: clearly struck the entire family

[03:40:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and the devastation is still palpable.

[03:40:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Communication is poor between everyone.

[03:40:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I think if you hope to save your marriage,

[03:41:00] [SPEAKER_00]: the two of you should start couples therapy.

[03:41:02] [SPEAKER_00]: A professional opinion of an impartial third party

[03:41:04] [SPEAKER_00]: could really help with the situation as a whole.

[03:41:08] [SPEAKER_00]: OP reply sentence says couples therapy

[03:41:09] [SPEAKER_00]: is something I wanted to look into

[03:41:11] [SPEAKER_00]: but I think my wife feels like I've become

[03:41:12] [SPEAKER_00]: a villain in her life and she just wants to maintain

[03:41:15] [SPEAKER_00]: the status quo because she's afraid of divorce as I am.

[03:41:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been talking about therapy for some time

[03:41:20] [SPEAKER_00]: so I bring it up to my wife and see how things proceed.

[03:41:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Then OP quotes this section

[03:41:25] [SPEAKER_00]: about speaking to father-in-law calmly

[03:41:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and says I've tried a number of times.

[03:41:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I've tried to do that

[03:41:30] [SPEAKER_00]: when my mother-in-law was alive too.

[03:41:32] [SPEAKER_00]: He always maintained that I was not the right man

[03:41:34] [SPEAKER_00]: for his daughter and was a phony person,

[03:41:36] [SPEAKER_00]: like I was putting up a show of niceness.

[03:41:39] [SPEAKER_00]: The last couple of years

[03:41:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I think there's too much bad blood between us

[03:41:41] [SPEAKER_00]: for us to sit down together man-to-man and talk it out.

[03:41:45] [SPEAKER_00]: He's not necessarily a big feelings guy.

[03:41:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm ashamed to admit that at times

[03:41:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I thought if the reason he has accepted me

[03:41:51] [SPEAKER_00]: is because I'm the only son-in-law

[03:41:53] [SPEAKER_00]: who makes less money than my wife does.

[03:41:55] [SPEAKER_00]: They are a really rich family.

[03:41:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It was really obvious from the first time

[03:41:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I was invited over at their place.

[03:42:01] [SPEAKER_00]: OP then gives us another smaller update

[03:42:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and says some folks have messaged me

[03:42:05] [SPEAKER_00]: asking for an update so I thought I could post it here

[03:42:08] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of personal messages.

[03:42:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been reading a lot of relationship help books

[03:42:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and tried to talk to my wife many times.

[03:42:14] [SPEAKER_00]: However, the fact is she and I

[03:42:15] [SPEAKER_00]: just don't work as a couple anymore.

[03:42:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm no longer a priority in her life

[03:42:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'm not okay with it.

[03:42:21] [SPEAKER_00]: So last month I decided to talk to my lawyer

[03:42:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and initiate divorce.

[03:42:24] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been a really stressful time,

[03:42:26] [SPEAKER_00]: especially from almost all of her family.

[03:42:29] [SPEAKER_00]: But at this point I just want to look after myself

[03:42:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and recover myself from this relationship.

[03:42:33] [SPEAKER_00]: The folks at Dead Bedrooms have been helpful as well.

[03:42:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I read through so many posts there

[03:42:38] [SPEAKER_00]: which kind of opened my eyes to the nature of my marriage.

[03:42:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Once again, thank you people

[03:42:42] [SPEAKER_00]: who helped me in my previous post.

[03:42:45] [SPEAKER_00]: So this year, November, 2023, OP makes a new post.

[03:42:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Just before we get into it,

[03:42:51] [SPEAKER_00]: they got married in 2017 and divorced in 2020.

[03:42:56] [SPEAKER_00]: The title of this post was

[03:42:57] [SPEAKER_00]: My Ex-Wife, Female 33 and I, Male 35

[03:43:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Recently Reconnected After She Went Through

[03:43:02] [SPEAKER_00]: A Bad Breakup.

[03:43:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Is it bad that I want to get back together

[03:43:05] [SPEAKER_00]: with my ex-wife because of how lonely I am?

[03:43:09] [SPEAKER_00]: There's some context to why we got divorced

[03:43:10] [SPEAKER_00]: but it will take too long to explain here.

[03:43:13] [SPEAKER_00]: The summary is that I could not get along

[03:43:14] [SPEAKER_00]: with her family and mostly her father

[03:43:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and that made my marriage an unhappy place for me.

[03:43:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Her father always hated me

[03:43:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and at one point told me

[03:43:21] [SPEAKER_00]: that my ex-wife deserved better than me.

[03:43:23] [SPEAKER_00]: If you want to read about my relationship with him,

[03:43:26] [SPEAKER_00]: it's in the previous posts.

[03:43:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure if I'm allowed to provide links.

[03:43:30] [SPEAKER_00]: But after our divorce,

[03:43:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I lost a lot of family and friends.

[03:43:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I was very involved with family on her side

[03:43:35] [SPEAKER_00]: losing them all at the same time

[03:43:37] [SPEAKER_00]: because we got divorced made things difficult for me.

[03:43:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm an immigrant here.

[03:43:41] [SPEAKER_00]: So I did not have many friends outside

[03:43:42] [SPEAKER_00]: of my ex-wife's family.

[03:43:44] [SPEAKER_00]: During the divorce process,

[03:43:46] [SPEAKER_00]: the COVID lockdown started

[03:43:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and that killed all my relationships

[03:43:48] [SPEAKER_00]: with her side of the family.

[03:43:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And I was really lonely here for a long time.

[03:43:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to go on dates

[03:43:54] [SPEAKER_00]: but the dating culture is so different now

[03:43:56] [SPEAKER_00]: than 15 years ago.

[03:43:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I could not find a person

[03:43:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to spend more time with.

[03:44:00] [SPEAKER_00]: But I think it was in part my fault too.

[03:44:03] [SPEAKER_00]: And the one person who showed interest

[03:44:05] [SPEAKER_00]: in long-term dating,

[03:44:06] [SPEAKER_00]: she was much younger than me.

[03:44:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I did not like her friends

[03:44:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and her friends were not thrilled with me either.

[03:44:11] [SPEAKER_00]: So that relationship kind of died in 2021.

[03:44:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Since then I've stopped going on dates even

[03:44:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and have lost touch with some friends

[03:44:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and acquaintances because of COVID.

[03:44:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe because of age and not having a wife.

[03:44:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Like they are all family men now

[03:44:24] [SPEAKER_00]: so making time is a difficult thing.

[03:44:26] [SPEAKER_00]: But anyway,

[03:44:27] [SPEAKER_00]: I saw my ex-wife a few times in the last two years

[03:44:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and we exchanged some quick words about wellbeing.

[03:44:32] [SPEAKER_00]: But nothing substantial.

[03:44:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I knew she lost her father due to COVID

[03:44:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and I told her I was sorry for her loss

[03:44:38] [SPEAKER_00]: because he loved her very much.

[03:44:40] [SPEAKER_00]: She also told me she was dating a younger man

[03:44:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and it was going well.

[03:44:43] [SPEAKER_00]: However, we never sat down for tea or anything.

[03:44:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It just never happened.

[03:44:47] [SPEAKER_00]: For two months ago I got a message from her

[03:44:49] [SPEAKER_00]: saying she wanted to meet for lunch.

[03:44:51] [SPEAKER_00]: During this lunch she told me a relationship

[03:44:52] [SPEAKER_00]: of one year and some months was not going well

[03:44:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend.

[03:44:57] [SPEAKER_00]: She and him did not agree on kids

[03:44:59] [SPEAKER_00]: or not having kids

[03:45:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and she did not see a future with him.

[03:45:03] [SPEAKER_00]: We kept in touch through the last two months

[03:45:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and 12 days ago she broke up with him.

[03:45:07] [SPEAKER_00]: She told me a part of the reason was that

[03:45:09] [SPEAKER_00]: after talking to me she remembered how it was with me

[03:45:12] [SPEAKER_00]: when we first started dating

[03:45:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and how it was not the same with her boyfriend.

[03:45:16] [SPEAKER_00]: She and I have been talking a lot in the last few weeks.

[03:45:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Since the breakup,

[03:45:20] [SPEAKER_00]: the first thing she does after waking up every morning

[03:45:22] [SPEAKER_00]: is message me.

[03:45:23] [SPEAKER_00]: And then two days ago she called at seven in the morning

[03:45:26] [SPEAKER_00]: saying she was at my door with some food.

[03:45:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd been feeling ill

[03:45:29] [SPEAKER_00]: but I don't remember when I told her.

[03:45:31] [SPEAKER_00]: However, she came with a lot of home cooked foods and soups

[03:45:34] [SPEAKER_00]: which she knows I like.

[03:45:35] [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, we're back in time 10 years ago.

[03:45:38] [SPEAKER_00]: It's been a very confusing time since then.

[03:45:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure what I feel.

[03:45:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I think I'm starting to love her again.

[03:45:44] [SPEAKER_00]: She pays me so much attention which is nice.

[03:45:47] [SPEAKER_00]: She also keeps sending me food or bringing it herself.

[03:45:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And then last night she spent the night

[03:45:51] [SPEAKER_00]: because I was too ill to get up and clean after myself.

[03:45:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Nothing happened between us

[03:45:56] [SPEAKER_00]: but at the same time I think she wants to talk

[03:45:58] [SPEAKER_00]: about us dating again.

[03:46:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe, and I will admit,

[03:46:01] [SPEAKER_00]: all the attention of food and other gestures of love

[03:46:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and care are starting to feel incredible.

[03:46:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure who to talk to about this.

[03:46:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I think I need to keep her away for a few days

[03:46:10] [SPEAKER_00]: to be able to think clearly.

[03:46:12] [SPEAKER_00]: It has been so long

[03:46:13] [SPEAKER_00]: since I felt this good about myself.

[03:46:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of our relationship problems

[03:46:17] [SPEAKER_00]: were from how her father acted with me.

[03:46:19] [SPEAKER_00]: If I keep thinking maybe we can try again

[03:46:21] [SPEAKER_00]: then this time it will be better.

[03:46:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Any advice or anyone wants to talk

[03:46:25] [SPEAKER_00]: to help me think here, I'd really appreciate it.

[03:46:27] [SPEAKER_00]: We do have another little further update in a second.

[03:46:30] [SPEAKER_00]: In the comments, there was a couple of comments, you know,

[03:46:32] [SPEAKER_00]: saying probably get back into this relationship

[03:46:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and revert to the same kind of relationship

[03:46:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that you had before the breakup.

[03:46:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Things might change now where father's not in the picture.

[03:46:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Other people saying could give it a try

[03:46:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and rekindle your old relationship, et cetera.

[03:46:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna have to be honest

[03:46:47] [SPEAKER_00]: in the way that this post made me feel.

[03:46:50] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not sure whether it's right or wrong.

[03:46:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I never am.

[03:46:54] [SPEAKER_00]: But just the feeling is I'm getting

[03:46:56] [SPEAKER_00]: from reading the post and previous posts.

[03:46:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Other stories that I may have read

[03:46:59] [SPEAKER_00]: may have skewed my view over time, you know?

[03:47:02] [SPEAKER_00]: But I think that's fair to say.

[03:47:04] [SPEAKER_00]: But I gotta say this update has rubbed me the wrong way.

[03:47:07] [SPEAKER_00]: It almost feels like you're a familiar,

[03:47:09] [SPEAKER_00]: you're a safe relationship

[03:47:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and she just come out of a breakup

[03:47:12] [SPEAKER_00]: so she's gonna go for you now.

[03:47:14] [SPEAKER_00]: You're clearly in a very, very vulnerable position.

[03:47:17] [SPEAKER_00]: You mentioned several times that you're lonely

[03:47:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and you know, you're feeling down about that

[03:47:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and you've got no one around you.

[03:47:22] [SPEAKER_00]: So of course we're receiving all this affection

[03:47:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and love towards you is gonna feel absolutely fantastic.

[03:47:29] [SPEAKER_00]: But that's also considered love bombing,

[03:47:32] [SPEAKER_00]: which we've seen many a time in different stories.

[03:47:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously I can't guarantee that it is.

[03:47:37] [SPEAKER_00]: She might absolutely have fallen in love with you

[03:47:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and everything's gonna be perfect again.

[03:47:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know that, do I?

[03:47:43] [SPEAKER_00]: From what I'm personally seeing

[03:47:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and the way that I'm feeling about this post,

[03:47:46] [SPEAKER_00]: it's concerning to me.

[03:47:47] [SPEAKER_00]: And then thinking about the rest of your story so far

[03:47:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and the way that you was treated in the past,

[03:47:52] [SPEAKER_00]: yeah, it just doesn't sit right with me.

[03:47:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Of course people change, people can be better.

[03:47:56] [SPEAKER_00]: She may have been poisoned by her father

[03:47:58] [SPEAKER_00]: going to these family meals when you wasn't attending

[03:48:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and he's whispering in an area

[03:48:02] [SPEAKER_00]: that you're not right for turning her against you.

[03:48:04] [SPEAKER_00]: But that's not your fault.

[03:48:06] [SPEAKER_00]: You didn't deserve that.

[03:48:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And you don't have to forgive the way

[03:48:09] [SPEAKER_00]: that you was treated either if you don't want to.

[03:48:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Sure, you can talk to her, get to know her,

[03:48:12] [SPEAKER_00]: but like I said, I don't feel right about it.

[03:48:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So a couple of days after that post,

[03:48:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Opie gives another update and says,

[03:48:18] [SPEAKER_00]: as for the update, it is a mixed bag.

[03:48:20] [SPEAKER_00]: On Saturday she came over to talk about our relationship

[03:48:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and what we both wanted, what went wrong, et cetera.

[03:48:27] [SPEAKER_00]: She asked to speak first

[03:48:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and I really should have talked first instead,

[03:48:30] [SPEAKER_00]: but I let her say her part.

[03:48:32] [SPEAKER_00]: It was focused on a relationship with her whole family.

[03:48:34] [SPEAKER_00]: How important her father was to her,

[03:48:36] [SPEAKER_00]: how much involved everyone else

[03:48:38] [SPEAKER_00]: was in her relationship with me.

[03:48:39] [SPEAKER_00]: She said sorry for letting her family

[03:48:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and her father in particular meddling our marriage.

[03:48:44] [SPEAKER_00]: One of the things which hurt me a lot

[03:48:46] [SPEAKER_00]: was when she mentioned that her ex-boyfriend

[03:48:48] [SPEAKER_00]: never wanted to be around her family

[03:48:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and hated going to any family events

[03:48:52] [SPEAKER_00]: even to a simple dinner, et cetera.

[03:48:54] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that's when she realized

[03:48:56] [SPEAKER_00]: how much easier I had made things for her in our marriage.

[03:48:59] [SPEAKER_00]: It was incredibly hurtful because I remember telling her

[03:49:01] [SPEAKER_00]: in so many different ways and at many times,

[03:49:04] [SPEAKER_00]: even before the death of her mother,

[03:49:06] [SPEAKER_00]: that I was okay with her family's involvement

[03:49:07] [SPEAKER_00]: but she needed to keep some distance

[03:49:09] [SPEAKER_00]: between our relationship and her father in particular.

[03:49:12] [SPEAKER_00]: She said that one time her father said

[03:49:14] [SPEAKER_00]: something nasty directed at her ex-boyfriend

[03:49:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and after that time he refused

[03:49:18] [SPEAKER_00]: to be in the same room as him.

[03:49:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I told her that he was right in doing that.

[03:49:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I reminded her of the time when her father told me,

[03:49:24] [SPEAKER_00]: after five years of our relationship,

[03:49:26] [SPEAKER_00]: that he did not want to give me his blessing

[03:49:28] [SPEAKER_00]: for asking you to marry.

[03:49:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why but hearing her say

[03:49:32] [SPEAKER_00]: that she saw her family's behavior towards her boyfriend

[03:49:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and that was what helped to see how toxic they can be

[03:49:37] [SPEAKER_00]: was really hurtful.

[03:49:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Like my feelings and my protest

[03:49:40] [SPEAKER_00]: did not matter to her as much.

[03:49:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I told her that and she had tears in her eyes.

[03:49:45] [SPEAKER_00]: She said sorry a lot of times about it.

[03:49:47] [SPEAKER_00]: She said she was young and inexperienced at first

[03:49:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and then after her mother died,

[03:49:51] [SPEAKER_00]: she was scared of losing her father

[03:49:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and anything I said about him was difficult

[03:49:55] [SPEAKER_00]: for her to hear because of that.

[03:49:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I remember one time we were hosting the family dinner

[03:49:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and her father said hurtful things about my cooking

[03:50:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and I brought it up with her from one of her siblings

[03:50:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and she refused to hear me.

[03:50:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Even when her sister told her she should listen

[03:50:08] [SPEAKER_00]: because I was right.

[03:50:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyway, when we got talking about her father

[03:50:11] [SPEAKER_00]: the conversation kind of got away from me.

[03:50:14] [SPEAKER_00]: We ended up talking about him for like two hours.

[03:50:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I think she wanted to get a lot of it off her chest too.

[03:50:19] [SPEAKER_00]: It was very emotional and exhausting though

[03:50:21] [SPEAKER_00]: as afterwards I did not have the energy

[03:50:23] [SPEAKER_00]: to continue talking.

[03:50:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I really wished I had talked first

[03:50:26] [SPEAKER_00]: because I wanted to talk to her about our problems

[03:50:28] [SPEAKER_00]: in the bedroom as well.

[03:50:30] [SPEAKER_00]: But we had to make food first.

[03:50:32] [SPEAKER_00]: She was saying how much she missed cooking with me

[03:50:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and being around each other.

[03:50:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I guess that's another thing

[03:50:36] [SPEAKER_00]: her ex-boyfriend did not appreciate about her.

[03:50:39] [SPEAKER_00]: After making lunch together

[03:50:40] [SPEAKER_00]: we just sat eating and talking about the few times

[03:50:42] [SPEAKER_00]: we had some time for ourselves when we were married.

[03:50:45] [SPEAKER_00]: She mentioned how much she liked going on two road trips

[03:50:47] [SPEAKER_00]: we took together after we got married.

[03:50:49] [SPEAKER_00]: For context, we used to have a lot more time

[03:50:51] [SPEAKER_00]: when we first started dating as we were still studying.

[03:50:54] [SPEAKER_00]: But then after getting jobs

[03:50:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and having to take care of a house

[03:50:57] [SPEAKER_00]: it slowly diminished.

[03:50:59] [SPEAKER_00]: After we finished lunch I was too tired

[03:51:01] [SPEAKER_00]: to continue our conversation.

[03:51:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So we just kind of existed around each other

[03:51:05] [SPEAKER_00]: for a little bit.

[03:51:06] [SPEAKER_00]: We did talk about what we should not expect

[03:51:08] [SPEAKER_00]: if we started dating.

[03:51:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I told her I want to talk about our bedroom problems

[03:51:13] [SPEAKER_00]: but maybe not right away.

[03:51:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She told me she wanted to say sorry

[03:51:16] [SPEAKER_00]: for not listening to me about that too.

[03:51:18] [SPEAKER_00]: She was a very selfish lover

[03:51:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and told me it was the difficult thing

[03:51:21] [SPEAKER_00]: for her to not realize she ignored my needs

[03:51:23] [SPEAKER_00]: in the marriage.

[03:51:24] [SPEAKER_00]: She said if we dated again

[03:51:25] [SPEAKER_00]: she wants us to see a relationship counselor together

[03:51:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and by herself to make our dating life better.

[03:51:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I think it is a good idea to talk to someone

[03:51:33] [SPEAKER_00]: who can help me explain my side of things to her.

[03:51:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not confident how helpful the conversation can be

[03:51:38] [SPEAKER_00]: if it's just the two of us.

[03:51:40] [SPEAKER_00]: She has a tendency to talk over me

[03:51:41] [SPEAKER_00]: to agree with me but not let me say my part.

[03:51:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to talk to her about it too

[03:51:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but I think it's better if I wait

[03:51:48] [SPEAKER_00]: until we found some relationship counselor.

[03:51:50] [SPEAKER_00]: But still, I think the outcome

[03:51:51] [SPEAKER_00]: of the conversation yesterday was good.

[03:51:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to ask her out on a date tonight

[03:51:55] [SPEAKER_00]: for maybe Tuesday or Wednesday.

[03:51:57] [SPEAKER_00]: She went back to her house last night

[03:51:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and I missed her presence around me a lot.

[03:52:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if that's a good sign

[03:52:02] [SPEAKER_00]: or if it means that I'm too lonely.

[03:52:05] [SPEAKER_00]: When she was here yesterday

[03:52:06] [SPEAKER_00]: she got a call from one of her siblings

[03:52:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and she mentioned me by name.

[03:52:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I was not listening in but I just heard her say my name

[03:52:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and my ears pricked up on that part.

[03:52:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that should be a good sign too

[03:52:16] [SPEAKER_00]: or maybe I'm just desperate to look for anything positive

[03:52:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and take that as a sign.

[03:52:21] [SPEAKER_00]: She wanted to come over today

[03:52:22] [SPEAKER_00]: but I told her I'm feeling much better

[03:52:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and she doesn't need to cook for me today.

[03:52:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Also, I spent the morning today

[03:52:28] [SPEAKER_00]: looking through our old pictures together.

[03:52:30] [SPEAKER_00]: It was nice to remember the person she used to be.

[03:52:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like yesterday

[03:52:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I saw a little bit of that person in her.

[03:52:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I wrong to want to start something so soon?

[03:52:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I know I said previously that I would wait

[03:52:40] [SPEAKER_00]: but waiting for the sake of it seems pointless.

[03:52:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I do want to take things slow

[03:52:44] [SPEAKER_00]: but I want us to find a relationship counselor soon

[03:52:47] [SPEAKER_00]: but I'm afraid I will lose her if I show no interest.

[03:52:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And I still feel the same after that update

[03:52:54] [SPEAKER_00]: especially when OP saying how lonely they are

[03:52:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and things like that

[03:52:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and you're receiving this affection.

[03:53:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I think it would really skew your view.

[03:53:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, you need to make the decision

[03:53:04] [SPEAKER_00]: that you need to make in the end

[03:53:05] [SPEAKER_00]: but I didn't think getting back together is a good plan.

[03:53:08] [SPEAKER_00]: In this update in itself,

[03:53:09] [SPEAKER_00]: you mentioned she has a tendency to talk over you

[03:53:11] [SPEAKER_00]: and agree with you

[03:53:12] [SPEAKER_00]: but not actually let you say your part.

[03:53:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She's not actually listened to you again

[03:53:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and my mind keeps casting back.

[03:53:19] [SPEAKER_00]: You said that she was talking to her siblings

[03:53:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and they all turned their back on you

[03:53:23] [SPEAKER_00]: by the sounds of it

[03:53:24] [SPEAKER_00]: when they all went to these dinners

[03:53:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and they didn't want much to do with you anymore

[03:53:27] [SPEAKER_00]: during the whole divorce part.

[03:53:29] [SPEAKER_00]: And it was just like one of the previous comments said,

[03:53:31] [SPEAKER_00]: it just feels like if you was to get back together,

[03:53:34] [SPEAKER_00]: it's a hypothetical situation

[03:53:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that the whole situation could revert to what it was before.

[03:53:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Father isn't in the picture

[03:53:39] [SPEAKER_00]: but it still felt like it was the same

[03:53:41] [SPEAKER_00]: with some of the other family members too

[03:53:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and she would quickly switch to them

[03:53:45] [SPEAKER_00]: if you had an argument or something like that.

[03:53:47] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't have your back in this, if you like.

[03:53:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, maybe I've read one too many stories

[03:53:52] [SPEAKER_00]: so that brings me nicely to,

[03:53:55] [SPEAKER_00]: what's your opinion on this story?

[03:53:56] [SPEAKER_00]: What would you advise to OP?

[03:53:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you think there is a relationship

[03:54:00] [SPEAKER_00]: in this in the future?

[03:54:02] [SPEAKER_00]: How would you tackle that?

[03:54:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you think counseling is gonna get them through it

[03:54:06] [SPEAKER_00]: or do you think the loneliness is playing a part in this?

[03:54:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[03:54:12] [SPEAKER_00]: As always, a huge thank you for being here today,

[03:54:14] [SPEAKER_00]: getting involved in the compilation,

[03:54:16] [SPEAKER_00]: your love, support and time

[03:54:17] [SPEAKER_00]: always does mean the absolute world to me.

[03:54:20] [SPEAKER_00]: So thank you so much for being involved today

[03:54:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[03:54:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Take care and much love.

[03:54:49] [SPEAKER_05]: I know that today will be a good day.