I'm Refusing To Help Pay For Sister's Wedding When She Called My Child A Mistake r/Relationships

[00:00:03] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider a like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:20] Now today's first story comes from the Am I the Arsehole here subreddit from EpicFailWhale and says,

[00:00:26] Am I the Arsehole for refusing to pay my sister's wedding expenses after she called my child a mistake?

[00:00:33] Hi guys, so I just created this profile just for this. I have a main account I use for my art. I don't really know how to post on this sub though, so please excuse any mistakes.

[00:00:43] Also I think it's important to give a trigger warning as this had violence and death involved and I know from personal experience that it can be triggering.

[00:00:51] So I, female 32, Deanna, am the eldest of five siblings. I've taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember.

[00:01:00] I helped our parents until their passing and frankly, it's exhausting. Dad died of brain cancer three years ago. It was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time.

[00:01:11] Her mum passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with breast cancer earlier this year. Fuck cancer, indeed.

[00:01:18] So, as the oldest, I just sort of became the de facto parent. I don't mind as I love my siblings and it's kind of my thing to big sister, friends and family a lot.

[00:01:29] I'm sort of ship's counsellor and I financially help out my family. I don't mind as I work in tech. I have a side gig doing art and inherited land and money from mum and dad.

[00:01:38] All that to say, it's no real loss. A few years ago, I adopted my cousin's Charlie, male 45 child, who I will just use her nickname, Decker.

[00:01:49] My baby loves kickboxing. After my cousin went to prison for murdering Decker's mother in an alcohol and drug-fuelled rage.

[00:01:57] Which is too long a story to add here. It was a chaotic year of mourning and paperwork and court hearings. But the adoption was finalized when Decker was five.

[00:02:07] Now, she's a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me mum. She's in therapy and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her mother's death.

[00:02:16] And I couldn't be prouder of how resilient she is. She's my girl, my rock star, my whole heart. And I call her that, literally, my heart.

[00:02:26] Fast forward to my sister's Clara, female 30, upcoming wedding. I was thrilled for her at first and she asked to be maid of honour.

[00:02:34] I cried in joy and offered for my wife, Honey, because we like the Incredibles, lol, female 40, and I to pay for it.

[00:02:43] Don't worry, I asked Honey first. But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter.

[00:02:50] Calling her a mistake and saying I shouldn't have taken her in. I stared at her and asked what she meant.

[00:02:57] And she said it wasn't like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman.

[00:03:03] Then said no hate or anything and laughed. But then she doubled down that Decker is literally damaged and a handful.

[00:03:11] Guys, Decker is the sweetest child alive. I mean, she's a teen, so yeah, sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there.

[00:03:20] But when I say she has my whole heart, I mean it. She made us a family and made our house a home.

[00:03:27] She smiles easy, cries openly, and has the emotional intelligence I wish I had myself.

[00:03:32] She always asks, how are you doing? And she really means it. Willing to listen to people. But she's a damaged mistake.

[00:03:40] I felt like a character in a dark, twisted episode of a sci-fi show. Defending my choice to adopt felt like fighting the Borg.

[00:03:48] Like I just wouldn't assimilate.

[00:03:51] I didn't laugh it off with my sister and her friends. I just stared at her in pure disbelief.

[00:03:56] I think she knew I was hurt because she quickly changed the subject.

[00:03:59] I said I better get home, paid for everything and three more rounds, and went home to my family.

[00:04:05] My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and cutting them off, after the three rounds I paid for.

[00:04:11] She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I can't take a joke.

[00:04:16] Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter.

[00:04:22] My sister refused, and kept calling Dekka Charlie's child.

[00:04:27] And I just was holding back so many tears.

[00:04:30] I told my sister that I wouldn't be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses,

[00:04:33] that I won't stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband,

[00:04:37] that I won't be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.

[00:04:43] Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection, but honey helped me temper myself.

[00:04:48] My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed,

[00:04:54] how am I supposed to pay for this?

[00:04:55] And I said, you have over a year you can save up.

[00:04:59] So left, shoving honey out of the way in the process and blew up our sibling group chat.

[00:05:04] My other siblings are split.

[00:05:06] Some think I'm overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding,

[00:05:09] while others agree that my sister crossed the line and needed the wake-up call.

[00:05:13] Now, I feel bad for my sister.

[00:05:15] I do love her and she is distressed by this.

[00:05:18] But I can't shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important.

[00:05:23] Am I the arsehole for refusing to pay for a wedding after that?

[00:05:26] I'm adding this in edit option.

[00:05:29] I've been working on my work project at a local brewery,

[00:05:33] and I've been silently sobbing and reading the comments.

[00:05:35] Also, wow, so many comments.

[00:05:38] I was trying to reply to everyone, but I honestly ran out of steam.

[00:05:41] I sent this post to my wife and also just bracing myself to talk to Decker tonight.

[00:05:46] I want to ask her if her aunt has done anything or said anything cruel to or about her.

[00:05:51] I am wishing hard that she's just confused by our questions and remains oblivious of the shitstorm.

[00:05:57] I love my heart.

[00:05:58] I want her to always remain the bright, fun, loving, encouraging person she is.

[00:06:03] I don't want her to know anything about what her aunt has said.

[00:06:05] I text my sister if she meant this.

[00:06:08] If she really sees me, my wife, and our daughter that way,

[00:06:11] or was she just drunk and stupid and double down in embarrassment?

[00:06:15] That said, I don't want her near Decker anytime soon.

[00:06:18] I feel so lost.

[00:06:20] I wasn't planning on ever being a parent, and there is no fucking manual for this.

[00:06:25] What the fuck do I even do?

[00:06:27] Wish me luck for tonight.

[00:06:28] I will need it because if Decker tells us her aunt has been cruel to her face,

[00:06:32] we'll have to hold my wife back from swinging on my sister.

[00:06:36] The first commenter said to OP,

[00:06:38] if your sister couldn't afford her own wedding,

[00:06:40] then she shouldn't be a homophobic, child-hating monster.

[00:06:44] Decker didn't ask to witness her mother be murdered,

[00:06:46] or for a sperm donor to be a murderer.

[00:06:48] But frankly, that doesn't seem to be the core issue.

[00:06:52] The core issue is that your sister is homophobic.

[00:06:54] She wholeheartedly believes that only the most broken, unwanted, irredeemable child

[00:06:59] could end up with lesbians for parents.

[00:07:01] Likely seems to think that all the straight couples rejected Decker first,

[00:07:05] as if that's how it even works.

[00:07:07] Decker being raised by you and honey is what's wrong.

[00:07:10] She's insulting you and your wife by insinuating there's no way

[00:07:13] lesbians could raise a healthy, functional child.

[00:07:16] This is an attack on your marriage and sexuality,

[00:07:18] as much as is an attack on Decker herself.

[00:07:21] If she hates lesbians to the point she wholeheartedly believes they shouldn't be parents,

[00:07:26] then why would she even want your money?

[00:07:28] If she despises you for your sexuality, does she even love and respect you?

[00:07:33] If she claims BS that she loves you despite your sexuality,

[00:07:37] call her out for being homophobic.

[00:07:39] Not the arsehole.

[00:07:41] Another commenter says exactly,

[00:07:43] why'd you even pay her rent?

[00:07:45] She can work or move in with her fiancé now.

[00:07:47] After showing her true face, I would not give her a dime.

[00:07:50] She's horrible.

[00:07:52] Not the arsehole naturally.

[00:07:54] Tiki Effect says not the arsehole.

[00:07:56] I'm surprised you didn't point out.

[00:07:58] The only mistake I have made was to think you were a loving aunt and sister.

[00:08:01] She does not see you as a person.

[00:08:04] She sees you as money.

[00:08:05] I bet she's upset you adopted your girl because now how will she inherit anything?

[00:08:10] She said you shouldn't even have a child,

[00:08:12] like you never could have wanted to adopt,

[00:08:14] or maybe you and your wife wanted a donor sperm.

[00:08:17] No, she thought because you married a woman,

[00:08:19] you would never have kids.

[00:08:21] Then your money wouldn't be given to her and your other siblings.

[00:08:24] Opie said,

[00:08:25] I never considered that,

[00:08:26] but yeah, we are child free and glad of it before we got our girl.

[00:08:30] But I do remember when the adoption was complete.

[00:08:32] We had a full party,

[00:08:33] a sort of adoption day,

[00:08:35] and we celebrate that anniversary every year.

[00:08:38] It's coming up soon.

[00:08:39] I talked of never thinking I would change my will,

[00:08:42] but I did.

[00:08:42] I wanted to be sure that if I got hit by a bus or somehow final destination,

[00:08:47] and something terrible happens to honey,

[00:08:50] there is a trust and funds for Decker to be physically okay.

[00:08:53] House, clothes, etc.

[00:08:55] There is even a fund for a therapy up until she is 25.

[00:08:58] She gets our house and our cabin.

[00:09:00] She gets almost everything.

[00:09:02] Of course, my siblings would get things,

[00:09:04] but less now that we have Decker.

[00:09:06] If that's the reason my sister resents my child,

[00:09:09] then there is some house cleaning I need to do.

[00:09:11] And there was many others going down the money route as well,

[00:09:15] as some kind of jealousy,

[00:09:16] because you've always been like the head of the family kind of thing,

[00:09:20] and now your focus is on your child, rightfully so.

[00:09:24] And this is a 30-year-old who's making these comments.

[00:09:28] I was just like, oh, deary me.

[00:09:30] And I'm glad some of the comments were saying,

[00:09:31] you know, talk to your daughter in this,

[00:09:34] because we've seen absolute horror stories in the past

[00:09:37] where there's been little prods in the background,

[00:09:40] like the sister could be saying stuff to Decker in the background,

[00:09:45] horrible stuff.

[00:09:46] It might not be the case,

[00:09:48] but you know, it's always best to make sure.

[00:09:50] But OP comes in with an update and says,

[00:09:52] I'm trying to keep this short.

[00:09:54] Honey and I took Decker out to the local Oktoberfest celebrations.

[00:09:58] She had a blast,

[00:09:59] did crafts, danced the music,

[00:10:01] had beer.

[00:10:02] It was not beer,

[00:10:03] in a pint glass,

[00:10:04] and generally had a great time.

[00:10:05] On the ride home,

[00:10:06] my wife broached the long-awaited topic.

[00:10:09] We asked her how she felt about grandma's passing,

[00:10:11] then went into how everyone handles things differently.

[00:10:14] We asked if mama,

[00:10:16] me,

[00:10:16] or mummy,

[00:10:17] honey,

[00:10:18] ever was hurtful,

[00:10:19] and she named a couple of moments we've been snappy

[00:10:22] or wouldn't let her do things,

[00:10:23] like a party at 2am.

[00:10:25] Hmm.

[00:10:25] But no, nothing else.

[00:10:27] We asked about Clara,

[00:10:29] and she got quiet.

[00:10:30] Honey just looked at me,

[00:10:31] but I was driving,

[00:10:32] so I just said,

[00:10:33] you can tell us anything,

[00:10:34] you know that,

[00:10:35] and she clammed up.

[00:10:36] I got my girls home,

[00:10:37] and hugged Decker,

[00:10:38] and went to the den.

[00:10:40] About two hours later,

[00:10:41] my wife came downstairs to me,

[00:10:43] and said,

[00:10:43] Decker is in bed,

[00:10:44] but not asleep,

[00:10:45] and I should talk to her.

[00:10:46] I asked why,

[00:10:47] and she simply said that Decker is willing to talk about it.

[00:10:50] I went up.

[00:10:51] Decker was ready for bed,

[00:10:52] in her PJs and reading.

[00:10:54] I just sat down on the side of the bed,

[00:10:56] and asked her how she was.

[00:10:58] She just said,

[00:10:59] mum told you,

[00:11:00] huh?

[00:11:00] I told her I didn't know anything,

[00:11:02] and Decker then said that Clara,

[00:11:04] makes her uncomfortable,

[00:11:05] and said hurtful things.

[00:11:06] When my wife and I weren't around,

[00:11:08] Clara would call her the lost puppy,

[00:11:10] or the stray,

[00:11:12] and once Decker remembers her to have told her to her face,

[00:11:14] you are not real family,

[00:11:16] and that once honey and I get a real child,

[00:11:19] we will dump her.

[00:11:20] I can't explain the rage.

[00:11:23] The absolute,

[00:11:24] total,

[00:11:25] and complete red,

[00:11:26] I saw as my daughter broke down,

[00:11:28] telling me that she behaves so well,

[00:11:30] and is obsessed with grades,

[00:11:31] so she can prove she is worth loving,

[00:11:33] worth keeping.

[00:11:35] After calling my wife,

[00:11:37] we sat her down,

[00:11:38] and told her,

[00:11:39] that she is the best thing that ever happened to us,

[00:11:41] and that even if we do have more children,

[00:11:43] she is our firstborn,

[00:11:44] and our love.

[00:11:46] I cried,

[00:11:47] and held her,

[00:11:47] telling her she was my whole heart,

[00:11:48] and that nothing will ever change that.

[00:11:50] She saved us,

[00:11:51] and I'm so proud of her,

[00:11:53] and us,

[00:11:54] and all we've grown to become.

[00:11:56] I can't ever stop loving her,

[00:11:58] neither can her mum.

[00:11:59] We love her more than air,

[00:12:01] that will never change.

[00:12:02] Then I explained that auntie was wrong for this.

[00:12:05] Auntie is jealous of her,

[00:12:07] jealous of how much we love her.

[00:12:09] Auntie needs help,

[00:12:10] but we can't give her that help,

[00:12:11] so she won't be around for a while.

[00:12:13] Decker asked us to stop talking to her like a child,

[00:12:16] so I was blunt.

[00:12:18] She's my sister,

[00:12:19] and I love her.

[00:12:19] You're my daughter,

[00:12:20] and I love you more.

[00:12:22] I told her my sister was wrong,

[00:12:23] and hateful.

[00:12:24] I'm sorry that she didn't feel,

[00:12:26] she'd come to her mum or I,

[00:12:27] but she can,

[00:12:28] every time,

[00:12:29] any time.

[00:12:30] We will choose her,

[00:12:32] always.

[00:12:33] Decker asked me if it's her fault I hate Clara,

[00:12:35] and I just told her,

[00:12:37] hate is a choice,

[00:12:37] and I don't hate Clara.

[00:12:39] I do love her,

[00:12:40] but sometimes loving a person means you correct them.

[00:12:43] Actions have consequences.

[00:12:45] My daughter got quiet and handed me her phone,

[00:12:47] and Clara had been texting her awful things since she left my home.

[00:12:51] I can't even type them because I want to throw things,

[00:12:53] but it's when I read my fucking sister texting my teenage daughter,

[00:12:57] go tell your so-called mum like a snitch,

[00:12:59] and prove me right.

[00:13:01] I took a screenshot and texted it to myself.

[00:13:04] Decker fell asleep around midnight,

[00:13:05] and my wife and I went to bed.

[00:13:06] I texted my sister the screenshot and said,

[00:13:09] you come into my house,

[00:13:10] says my sister,

[00:13:11] and treat my child like this.

[00:13:13] No.

[00:13:14] Mum and dad will be ashamed of you.

[00:13:16] This is not how you treat any child,

[00:13:18] let alone your own niece.

[00:13:19] I've loved you since as long as I can remember.

[00:13:22] I know you were not raised to treat children so terribly,

[00:13:25] but as of now,

[00:13:26] you are not accepted in my home.

[00:13:28] You will not speak to or contact me,

[00:13:30] my wife,

[00:13:30] or my child.

[00:13:31] I will give you the money for October,

[00:13:33] Clara,

[00:13:34] but November on,

[00:13:35] that's your responsibility.

[00:13:36] I'm no longer going to help.

[00:13:38] I'm sorry.

[00:13:39] This breaks my heart,

[00:13:40] but you crossed a serious and unforgivable line.

[00:13:43] Decker is my daughter.

[00:13:45] I am a mum.

[00:13:46] Do not doubt me here,

[00:13:47] and I want to be clear.

[00:13:48] If you ever come sideways at my family again,

[00:13:50] or contact my daughter at all,

[00:13:52] I will take legal recourse.

[00:13:54] From today on,

[00:13:55] we are low contact.

[00:13:56] If you try to make this into a bigger issue,

[00:13:59] there will be no contact.

[00:14:00] If you don't understand,

[00:14:01] here are resources to help spell it out.

[00:14:04] I love you,

[00:14:04] D.

[00:14:05] Crafty Special says on the back of the ad,

[00:14:07] I would also send the screenshots to your other siblings,

[00:14:09] so they can see what your sister is sending to an innocent child.

[00:14:13] Topput says absolutely.

[00:14:15] Sunlight disinfects.

[00:14:16] Let everyone have the real details on how their sister gets off on terrorizing their niece.

[00:14:21] Let Clara have to own her actions in the light of day.

[00:14:24] Let the people who supported Clara explain to everyone else

[00:14:27] why what she told her child is alright.

[00:14:31] Sunlight disinfects.

[00:14:33] Left Kangaroo says,

[00:14:34] she should also send it to the fiance,

[00:14:36] so he knows exactly what type of woman he's about to marry.

[00:14:40] Unusual Potato says,

[00:14:42] why the hell are you giving her money for October?

[00:14:44] That 30 year old bitch is bullying a traumatized teenage girl.

[00:14:48] She doesn't even deserve a penny,

[00:14:50] and she needs to pay for this,

[00:14:51] and you're rewarding bad behavior.

[00:14:53] Clara deserves to rot for treating a child like that.

[00:14:56] What the fuck is wrong with her?

[00:14:58] Well done for setting boundaries.

[00:15:00] Artsy Fartsy Fox says,

[00:15:02] this,

[00:15:03] coupled with a homophobia in the first post,

[00:15:05] and literally tormenting a child.

[00:15:07] I'd go full scorched earth.

[00:15:08] You gave her a warning last time,

[00:15:10] and she didn't heed it.

[00:15:11] In fact,

[00:15:12] she doubled down,

[00:15:13] and attacked your child directly.

[00:15:14] I wouldn't give her a dime.

[00:15:16] And I gotta say,

[00:15:17] I agree with those last two comments about

[00:15:19] not giving her any money whatsoever.

[00:15:22] She's in the background,

[00:15:24] like that comment said,

[00:15:25] tormenting a child,

[00:15:27] sending her texts,

[00:15:28] and saying stuff like,

[00:15:29] oh,

[00:15:29] you're a snitch if you're going to tell your mom this,

[00:15:31] just so she can continue doing it

[00:15:33] without any repercussions.

[00:15:35] Devious,

[00:15:36] horrible behavior.

[00:15:37] 30 years old doing this as well.

[00:15:39] I can honestly say,

[00:15:41] if any of my family was to do this,

[00:15:43] which I know they wouldn't,

[00:15:44] to any other of my family members,

[00:15:46] they'd be cut off in an instant,

[00:15:47] because I know I wouldn't see that person

[00:15:49] the same way as I do now.

[00:15:52] Our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole here,

[00:15:55] subreddit from Striking Current 2180,

[00:15:58] and says,

[00:15:59] am I the arsehole for telling my wife

[00:16:01] she's fucking wrong,

[00:16:02] and that my mom is right.

[00:16:05] I,

[00:16:06] 35 male,

[00:16:07] have been married to my wife,

[00:16:08] 32 female,

[00:16:09] for five years,

[00:16:10] and we've been struggling financially

[00:16:12] for the past few months.

[00:16:13] I lost my job about three months ago,

[00:16:15] and while I found part-time work,

[00:16:18] it doesn't pay nearly as much as before.

[00:16:20] We've had to cut back on a lot of things,

[00:16:22] but it feels like no matter what we do,

[00:16:24] we're still living paycheck to paycheck

[00:16:26] and even pulling from savings.

[00:16:29] Recently,

[00:16:30] my mom,

[00:16:30] 65 female,

[00:16:31] came over to visit,

[00:16:32] and she noticed how stressed I was

[00:16:34] about the money situation.

[00:16:36] She offered some advice

[00:16:37] on how we could save money.

[00:16:39] Things like cutting down on takeout,

[00:16:41] meal prepping to avoid buying groceries

[00:16:43] multiple times a week,

[00:16:44] and switch into cheaper brands.

[00:16:46] My mom has always been frugal,

[00:16:48] especially when she was raising me

[00:16:50] and my siblings on a tight budget.

[00:16:52] I thought it made sense,

[00:16:53] especially since we're really trying

[00:16:55] to save wherever we can.

[00:16:56] I asked if she's willing

[00:16:58] to go through our spending

[00:16:59] and show where we could cut down.

[00:17:01] My wife agreed to this.

[00:17:03] She made a whole spreadsheet

[00:17:04] about our spending,

[00:17:06] and we are spending way too much

[00:17:08] on fun stuff.

[00:17:09] We don't need Starbucks every day

[00:17:11] and so on.

[00:17:12] It also became apparent

[00:17:13] that most of the fun spending

[00:17:15] was my wife's.

[00:17:16] To be honest,

[00:17:17] my wife didn't take the breakdown well

[00:17:19] and started arguing with my mom

[00:17:21] that her spreadsheet was wrong.

[00:17:23] She said my mom's way of doing things

[00:17:24] is outdated

[00:17:25] and doesn't work for us.

[00:17:27] She doesn't want to give up

[00:17:29] buying organic produce,

[00:17:30] and she likes having variety

[00:17:32] in what we eat each week.

[00:17:34] I tried to explain

[00:17:35] that we need to make some sacrifices

[00:17:37] if we want to get out

[00:17:38] of this financial hole,

[00:17:39] but she kept insisting

[00:17:40] that things weren't as bad

[00:17:41] as I was making them out to be

[00:17:43] and that we just needed

[00:17:44] to ride it out.

[00:17:46] My mom left at this point

[00:17:47] and we were still arguing,

[00:17:49] and she told me

[00:17:50] she can't give up her takeout.

[00:17:52] She also went on about

[00:17:53] my mom being wrong.

[00:17:54] That's when I lost my patience

[00:17:56] and said,

[00:17:56] you're fucking wrong.

[00:17:58] My mom is right.

[00:17:59] She managed to raise

[00:18:00] three kids on one income,

[00:18:01] and we can't even cut back

[00:18:02] on groceries for a few months.

[00:18:05] My wife got really upset,

[00:18:06] saying I'm being a huge jerk

[00:18:08] for whining with my mom,

[00:18:09] and that my mom is outdated.

[00:18:11] She's barely spoken to me since,

[00:18:13] and now I'm wondering

[00:18:14] if I went too far.

[00:18:15] But the way I see it,

[00:18:17] we need to be realistic

[00:18:18] about our situation,

[00:18:19] and my mom's advice

[00:18:20] could actually help us

[00:18:21] get back on track.

[00:18:23] And for me on this,

[00:18:24] it was one thing

[00:18:25] if you went behind

[00:18:26] your wife's back

[00:18:26] and handed over

[00:18:27] all your financial information

[00:18:29] to your mom

[00:18:29] without your wife's knowledge,

[00:18:30] but you said

[00:18:32] your wife agreed to this,

[00:18:33] and in the end,

[00:18:34] the spreadsheet doesn't lie.

[00:18:36] And it's not an outdated

[00:18:38] way of thinking.

[00:18:39] Cutting back on some things

[00:18:42] is necessary for all families.

[00:18:43] Sometimes when you go through

[00:18:45] difficult moments

[00:18:46] with finances,

[00:18:47] takeout isn't a must.

[00:18:49] Starbucks isn't a must.

[00:18:51] And it's to the point

[00:18:52] that it's damaging

[00:18:53] your own health with stress,

[00:18:55] which isn't good.

[00:18:56] So this is a conversation

[00:18:57] that has to happen

[00:18:58] between you and your wife.

[00:19:00] And you know,

[00:19:01] if she doesn't accept it,

[00:19:02] then you have to look

[00:19:03] at other things as well.

[00:19:05] It kind of just felt like

[00:19:06] she's doubling down

[00:19:07] at the moment

[00:19:08] because obviously

[00:19:09] your mom's involved

[00:19:10] and it's making her look bad

[00:19:11] because it sounds like

[00:19:13] the majority of

[00:19:14] the unnecessary spending

[00:19:15] is on your wife

[00:19:16] at this moment in time.

[00:19:18] Although I'm sure

[00:19:19] you're having takeout

[00:19:19] at the same time as her,

[00:19:21] but you're wanting to cut back.

[00:19:22] She's not.

[00:19:23] All about Bird says,

[00:19:24] not the arsehole.

[00:19:25] Your wife agreed

[00:19:26] to go through your budget

[00:19:26] with your mom.

[00:19:27] Your mom took the time

[00:19:28] and effort to review things.

[00:19:30] And then it sounds like

[00:19:30] your wife was very rude

[00:19:32] and dismissive.

[00:19:33] As far as I know,

[00:19:34] math hasn't changed

[00:19:35] that much in the last 30 years.

[00:19:37] So it's not clear

[00:19:38] how much your mom's views

[00:19:39] are outdated.

[00:19:40] Another user says,

[00:19:41] info,

[00:19:42] you mentioned your own loss

[00:19:43] of a job

[00:19:44] and working part-time.

[00:19:45] Does your wife work?

[00:19:46] Is she the primary earner

[00:19:47] right now?

[00:19:49] OP says she works part-time

[00:19:50] and doesn't wish

[00:19:51] to go full-time.

[00:19:52] It's not good

[00:19:52] for her mental health.

[00:19:54] I'm still the primary earner,

[00:19:55] even with part-time.

[00:19:58] Another user says,

[00:19:59] not the arsehole.

[00:19:59] Everything your mother said

[00:20:00] still applies.

[00:20:01] If you're pulling from savings

[00:20:03] but still buying Starbucks,

[00:20:04] takeout,

[00:20:05] organic groceries,

[00:20:06] streaming services,

[00:20:07] etc.,

[00:20:08] it's time for somebody

[00:20:09] with some sense

[00:20:10] to start yelling.

[00:20:11] These are the actual priorities.

[00:20:13] Rent,

[00:20:13] mortgage,

[00:20:14] and renters

[00:20:14] and homeowners insurance.

[00:20:16] Car payment,

[00:20:17] if applicable,

[00:20:17] and insurance.

[00:20:18] Health insurance.

[00:20:20] Utilities,

[00:20:20] gas for the car.

[00:20:21] Basic food,

[00:20:22] although you could look

[00:20:23] to see what you may be able

[00:20:25] to get from food banks.

[00:20:26] It sounds like your wife

[00:20:27] has never had to economize

[00:20:29] from her baseline,

[00:20:30] but she's going to have to learn.

[00:20:32] What is her plan

[00:20:33] once you run out of savings?

[00:20:34] Keep buying organic

[00:20:35] while you're couch surfing?

[00:20:37] And one more comment

[00:20:38] from OK Conversation

[00:20:39] who says,

[00:20:40] not the arsehole

[00:20:40] and your wife needs

[00:20:41] a major reality check.

[00:20:43] Calling a sensible budget

[00:20:44] old-fashioned

[00:20:45] is beyond stupid.

[00:20:46] A budget is a budget.

[00:20:48] There's no expiration

[00:20:49] on common sense.

[00:20:50] In 2008 to 2009,

[00:20:53] when tens of thousands

[00:20:54] of people lost their jobs,

[00:20:55] myself and my husband

[00:20:57] both got laid off.

[00:20:58] We did exactly what you did.

[00:21:00] Sat down and made a budget

[00:21:01] and determined

[00:21:02] what to cut out.

[00:21:03] Eating was number one

[00:21:05] thing we dropped.

[00:21:06] My monthly pedicure

[00:21:07] went away.

[00:21:08] Coupon cutting

[00:21:08] became a fucking religion.

[00:21:10] I fear for your marriage

[00:21:11] and financial future

[00:21:12] if your wife can't

[00:21:13] wrap her head around

[00:21:14] the concept

[00:21:15] of living within your means.

[00:21:17] But now,

[00:21:18] I'm going to turn this one

[00:21:19] to you guys.

[00:21:20] What do you guys make

[00:21:21] of this situation?

[00:21:24] Let us know your thoughts

[00:21:25] down in the comments below.

[00:21:27] Now, just a huge thank you

[00:21:28] for being here today.

[00:21:29] Get involved in the stories,

[00:21:30] your love,

[00:21:31] your support,

[00:21:31] your time.

[00:21:32] Always means the absolute world

[00:21:34] to me.

[00:21:34] So thank you so,

[00:21:35] so much for being involved,

[00:21:36] truly.

[00:21:36] And hopefully,

[00:21:37] I'll see you in the next one.

[00:21:39] Take care

[00:21:40] and much love.