I'm Refusing To Get Rid Of Evidence Of My Ex's Infidelity r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now today's first story comes from weirdrevolution432 from the amivharsolhere subreddit. And it says amivharsolhere for refusing to get rid of the evidence of my ex's infidelity.

[00:00:29] I, 52 male, used to be married to my ex, Candy, 52 female. And I loved her very much. We met in our teens when she moved into the neighborhood right before high school and I instantly had a crush on her. But didn't actually make a move until our senior year. We got married shortly after she graduated college and had three children together. Laura, 26 female, Tom, 23 male and Marie, 21 female.

[00:00:56] Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I thought Candy was happy with the family and life we created. However, I was wrong. Candy was bored with me and wanted more excitement. But instead of confessing her feelings and thoughts to me, she went looking elsewhere. According to her, it all started when Candy and her friends went on a girls trip to Vegas for a weekend where she got drunk and had some fun with two male strippers.

[00:01:21] Candy said that while nothing happened beyond second base, it awakens something in her and she regretted not going further. A year after that, she started going to bars and clubs for excitement and eventually started hooking up with other men. And at least two of her girlfriends would cover for her. I was never the wiser and probably would still be married to Candy if one of her lovers hadn't secretly documented their moments together. She was mad that she had another guy on the side and mailed the evidence to me as revenge.

[00:01:50] I was sick at seeing all the things that she did and didn't respond well. I filed for divorce and my lawyer used some of the evidence that I was given in court, but not all of it because it wasn't necessary. I still have all the evidence that I was given and just kept it in the attic. Recently, my youngest made some not-so-great choices with an ex-boyfriend and I ended up having to get a lawyer for her. I'm amazed at how much the laws have changed, but I'm glad my daughter is protected.

[00:02:17] After it was over, I'd a serious sit-down with her and told her to be more mindful, that she should always be prepared for this to hang over her head, even if the law is on her side, because some guys just don't care. This was a long and deep conversation and I admitted to Marie about how I found out her mum cheated and let it slip that I still had the evidence. Two days later, Candy was banging at my door, demanding that I give her everything I had and yelled at me for keeping it.

[00:02:43] I reminded her that those things were given to me and it was made before the law prohibited it, so as long as I don't upload it and share it anywhere or sell it to anyone, I'm legally in the clear. Candy went crying to our adult children. Marie is fully on her side, which is expected, but Tom and Laura are a little different. When asked why, I told my children that I keep it as a reminder of why I should never care about their mother.

[00:03:08] Tom feels that since I've never done anything with it before, and so long as I don't, that it's okay. While Laura says she prefers that I trash it, she won't cut me off like Marie threatened, so I'm asking, am I the arsehole here? Edit for typos. Edit two, the amount of people here keep asking the same question, as if I didn't already answer it in the post is annoying. You can keep asking me, why do I still have it? But just know that going further, I will ignore it.

[00:03:35] You not liking the answer or not understanding it isn't my problem. I'd also like to thank the people who rightfully pointed it out, that I should hang on to it for legal purposes, since it was technically evidence was a good idea, and I have since explained it to my oldest two, who will pass it along to my ex-wife and my youngest. Also, please stop insulting my youngest daughter, or saying that she's just like her mum and deserves what she went through. Mike's was recorded doing something she shouldn't with someone else she should not have.

[00:04:03] That was her choice, and what came out from it is on her. Marie never sent anything to her ex. He recorded her when she was with him without her knowing, and only told her when she tried to break up with him, as a way to keep her in the relationship. Marie is understandably very sensitive to this issue, so I'm giving her space. I don't believe that she'd actually cut me off. Wonderful Air says, Low Technology says honestly this,

[00:04:32] And another commenter says, I'm of two minds on this. I'm assuming that the laws you're referring to are revenge porn laws, where it's illegal to disseminate sexually explicit media, without the consent of everyone involved. And it sounds like your youngest daughter just went through an intense falling out, where she had her ex-boyfriend break those laws, which was very upsetting to her. Obviously, my heart goes out to your daughter, as she certainly felt victimized and vulnerable from her naked pictures being distributed

[00:05:01] without her consent. I can understand why she's being empathetic towards her mother's situation, as they do resemble each other. Her mom doesn't want you to have those videos, and she's in them. However, there are some meaningful differences between the two situations. The media you have is evidence of infidelity, and you have not distributed the media in any way, nor planned to. But there's always the chance that you could, even if you never would, and that possibility is the real issue here.

[00:05:29] I think you're not the asshole as of right now, but I do think you need to come up with a plan to extricate your need to have evidence that your ex-wife cheated on you from the physical copies of the sexually explicit media. Even though your wife is an awful person, I don't think making her live with the knowledge that you have that kind of sexually explicit media of her is admirable on your part, especially with your daughter recently going through something similar. It seems very slightly hypocritical that you understood that you needed to pursue justice for your daughter,

[00:05:58] and then keep her mother's sexually explicit media that you received under similar circumstances. Again, you're not the asshole because your reasoning seems well-intentioned, and there's been no harm done. But the cat is out of the bag that you own these materials. I think the right thing to do would be to find a way to keep the evidence that you need, i.e. any written documents, non-pornographic media, while removing the sexually explicit portions.

[00:06:23] I found one of the comments from OP weird that he was telling his daughter to be more mindful when she was literally a victim of revenge porn. His daughter didn't make bad choices. She was recorded without her consent and then blackmailed by her ex, which isn't poor judgment. None of this felt healthy for me anyway. I could see through the other comments as well there was mixed opinions on this, but none of this felt very healthy for me.

[00:06:48] Holding on to this evidence to remind himself not to care about the ex, you know, you're just sort of keeping yourself tethered to it really, aren't you? And I kind of just feel like holding on to this is just preventing you from moving forward. But anyway, OP came in with her update three months later and says, I wasn't sure if I was going to do this, but since someone messaged me, I thought I'd share. Don't know if I'll give another update after this one though.

[00:07:15] Long story short, my ex got arrested and my ex is facing charges. For details, please continue reading. Context, I had a security to which my children know the security code too. But for unimportant reasons, there was a switch in the company and when I upgraded, I was given a new code and security pad had to be put in. Also, at the advice of the people installing the new one, I moved it to another spot. I told my oldest two kids what the new code was in person as I didn't like texting that type of stuff

[00:07:44] in fear of phone hacking. And since my youngest daughter wasn't talking to me and didn't want to hear from me, she didn't know about the changing codes. Now, on to what happened. I left town for a trip I'd scheduled a while back that my youngest daughter was aware of. This trip was going to be about seven days long, so my neighbors knew to keep their eyes peeled for anything suspicious. Two days into my trip, I get an alert that my house was being broken into.

[00:08:09] The company calls and I tell them that I did not enter my home and wasn't expecting anyone. My neighbors also called the authorities. I could tell by the security cam that it was my ex-wife and she had someone else there, but I didn't recognize them. The authorities had detained my ex who insisted that it was all a simple misunderstanding, and I told them over the phone that it wasn't and I wanted to press charges. And then I laughed when the call was over.

[00:08:35] I laughed a lot, hard and to the point where I was in tears and struggling to breathe. There was something about my trashy ex getting punished by the law that felt so liberating to me, but my joy took a pause when I started getting calls from my youngest. Turns out she gave the old security code to her mom with the intent to search my home for the tapes while I was gone and get them. Max went on a different day than what was planned. Don't know why, and that's how everything happened.

[00:09:04] My daughter asked me not to press charges, but I went forward with it. My daughter was angry with me and we got into an argument where she blamed me for still having the tapes and telling her that I had the tapes. We haven't really spoken since, but my other daughter convinced me to go to therapy. And after a couple of sessions, I discovered out that one of the reasons why I held onto the tapes was because I never felt as if my ex was punished enough for what she did. She never apologized. She never showed remorse, made excuses.

[00:09:32] And that has always pissed me off. It's also why I'm refusing to drop the charges. I'm still processing what this all means, but that's how it is right now. And the first commenter on this one said she broke into his home and his asshole daughter was complicit. That's not a misunderstanding. It's a crime. Keep the charges on. Coach Clear says also,

[00:10:14] And the majority of the comments after that were just, you know, absolutely press charges and all this kind of stuff. Other people saying, you know, unpopular opinion, but just get rid of the tapes, move on, etc., etc. And for me, and I'll say that front, but I don't think the ex is a nice person. I think their daughter is wrong for giving the codes. Absolutely. But I still think those tapes should be gone. OP said about some sort of legal reasons. It sounds like it was some time ago.

[00:10:43] And there's not a legal reason that you would actually need these anymore. Unless I'm missing something, of course. And OP said that after, you know, their daughter convinced OP to go to therapy. And after a couple of sessions, they discovered that one of the reasons why they held on to the tapes was because that they never felt that their ex was punished enough for what she did. It just feels like you're trying to hold some sort of power, etc. Or that you potentially might use it one day. Which I say again, isn't healthy.

[00:11:09] Carry on with that therapy and get rid of those tapes, in my opinion. But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And let's move on to another story. Now, this story comes from CGP May from the Relationship Advice subreddit. You may have heard previous parts, but it's got an update two and a half years later. It was titled,

[00:11:37] I, male 35, am very unattractive and have made peace with being alone. My friends, female, male's 30s, won't give up on trying to set me up with someone. What do I do? Hey everybody, I'm hoping to get some advice on my current predicament between myself and my friends, Sam and Sarah. You see, I'm very unattractive. I don't mean that as a put down on myself, but as an objective fact about my appearance.

[00:12:02] I have a very naturally unappealing face with several body scars that make me difficult to look at for some people. I've had most of these scars most of my life, and of course I was born with my face, so I've never been much to look at. I've tried to compensate in other aspects of life. I have a decent job, I'm tall and I'm in very good shape. I go to the gym and eat well. Sadly, this is far from enough to make up for how I look. I've had very few relationships and only one sexual partner.

[00:12:31] So I'd prefer it never happened after the fact. So I certainly tried. Put myself out there for years and was rejected by dozens of women before meeting one that I thought would be able to look past my appearance. I lost my virginity to her and everything. But after a month, she came to my place crying saying, though she found me attractive as a person, she couldn't get over my appearance and had felt terrible. She confessed sex was extremely difficult with the two times we did it due to how I looked.

[00:12:59] I told her I understood and we went our separate ways. I'd have been happier if we'd been friends and never dated if I'm being honest. That was several years ago. And I swore off romantic love and sex since it was just hurting me. Life has been pretty good since I gave up. Wish I wasn't what I am so I could find love, but I get it. I made some great friends, Sam and Sarah. Been friends with them for a few years now and we get along great.

[00:13:26] The only issue is that they're in relationships and have this fantasy about going on triple dates with me included. Problem is, of course, I don't date. So they've been trying to play matchmaker. There have been probably seven or eight attempts now to get me with some friend or acquaintance of theirs, ranging from being blindsided with a date when I thought I'd just be there with them or inviting girls to parties and trying to get us together all night. I hate it. I feel bad for these girls because obviously they weren't told about this either.

[00:13:54] And now they have to play nice with the weird ugly guy their friends dumped them on. Not only that, but there is this look in their eyes that I'm sadly used to now. It's a combination of sadness and fear that overcomes them when we make eye contact. I can feel them looking at every mark on my face getting more and more grossed out and uncomfortable. Of course, they're scared. This six foot six man who looks like Frankenstein's monster has become your date for the night. I'd be scared too.

[00:14:22] I tell them every time not to set me up as I don't want a date. But they got so excited to finally find the one for me that they do it anyway. So backstory aside, I kept telling Sam and Sarah to stop setting me up. And last week they came over to hang out and Sarah kept mentioning this friend of hers from work and starts showing me pictures. I see where this is all going and when I find out they invited her to Sam's party in a few weeks, I say cool, I look forward to meeting her.

[00:14:50] But that this isn't a date and I won't be letting them push me onto the poor girl. She's cute and from what they tell me, I'm sure we'd get along great if I were normal. But that just isn't the case. Sarah begins to get upset at me and asks me why I won't just give her a shot. So I asked if this girl had ever seen a picture of me or heard about me. She admitted that she had not and hadn't planned on showing her my pic or even telling her about me until the night of the party. I'll admit I snapped and told both of them to stop playing matchmaker.

[00:15:20] I was sick of it and showed them texts from two of the girls they victimized. They were kind enough to tell me that they liked me but weren't physically attracted to me. Showed the texts and Sarah and Sam made an excuse and left. Haven't heard from them in a week. How can I fix this? I've made my peace with the fact that I will never know romantic love. But I need friends. So one of the top comments asked OP to share a pic and OP said, The last person I trusted to show a pic sent it to a group chat to laugh at me.

[00:15:49] I don't like putting it out there anymore. Sorry. Another commenter said, If your friends did show your pics, would you agree to the matchmaking then? OP says, Part of me wants to say I would. But after the last relationship ended the way it did, I'd rather not risk it. Another commenter said, This isn't a joke or meant to be mean. But maybe someone who is visually impaired would be able to appreciate the real you. I think you sound cool. Best wishes. OP says,

[00:16:14] The commenter says,

[00:17:05] The commenter says, And quotes OP, If I were normal. Another quote, A combination of sadness and fear that overcomes them. Poor unsuspecting women. Frankenstein's monster. Two of the girls they victimized. It then says, Please dude, Get some help. These comments about yourself are very unkind and very unnecessary and very extreme. This isn't the writing of someone whose life has been pretty good. OP says,

[00:17:36] A commenter said to OP, And this comment was downvoted by the way. It says, Confidence is sexy. You sound depressing to be around. OP says, That's fair. I don't actually talk about this kind of stuff except when I'm telling Sam and Sarah why I don't want them matchmaking me. I don't let my looks bother me when it's just hanging out. It's when they've tried pushing me into these situations that the negativity comes out. And one of the top commenters says to say this, Hey Sam and Sarah.

[00:18:03] I'm sorry our last conversation ended the way it did, but I'm not sorry we had it. The unfortunate truth of the matter is, You're being incredibly dismissive and disrespectful of my life choices. It is comparable to if I told you I was gay and you insisted on continue to set me up with women because you feel you know better than me what I want. It's a shame if my current life choice for myself makes you uncomfortable that you can't fathom being in my life unless I'm coupled up. That hurts, but if that's how things have to be, then so be it.

[00:18:33] If me, as I am, a single person who wishes to remain so at this time, is enough for you to still want to be friends with me, then that's great. However, going forward, you'd have to respect my wishes and my boundaries regarding this issue. I will leave you with that for now, and I hope to hear from you. ETA, so sorry you've gotten so many responses, doing the exact same fucking thing your friends do. It sucks to be so dismissed all the time. Your last paragraph is so appreciated. Thank you so much.

[00:19:04] OP's first update came in and said, Hey everybody, I figured since posting here the other day ended up being an overall cathartic experience, and since I have a very happy update, I'm back to share. After spending hours reading and responding to users in thread and in DMs, I decided to reach out to Sam and Sarah and try to set things right. We met up to talk, and to keep it short, Sam and Sarah hadn't reached out because they felt terrible after realizing their mistakes.

[00:19:30] They were very apologetic, and I promised that as long as they stopped trying to set me up and forgave me for snapping at them, then we were cool with each other. Looks like communication saves the day again. So after our talk, they asked if I wanted to come over and play some games and have a few drinks with them, and some of their work friends. Sarah admitted the girl, Laura, that they wanted to set me up with would be there, but they hadn't said anything to her about me, and there'd be no pressure or matchmaking going on. So I agreed to go.

[00:19:58] So last night, I came over for drinks and games. I met Laura without some stupid blind date pretext, and she's a lovely person. We have several interests in common, and she and I have very similar jobs within different companies, so we have a lot to talk about. It's great. They didn't meddle, and I got a new friend. Easy peasy. Heck, we get along so great, she's inviting me over to her place tonight to watch some movies we both learned were some of our favorites, then some pizza and complaining about working in IT.

[00:20:27] So my social life is alive and well, it seems. That's about it as far as my update is concerned. Sam, Sarah, and I are cool. I made a new friend, and I got to talk to so many wonderful people on Reddit. I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post and give me your opinions and advice. There are some really great folks in this community. Heck, I'm still receiving a few messages a day of kindness from you awesome people. Someone said to OP on the back of this one, she invited you over for pizza and a movie at her place.

[00:20:56] I think you have more of a shot than you realize. Spacey JC says, even if this girl isn't interested, I think this helped you relax and put less pressure on yourself about your looks. Maybe you aren't the most attractive guy, but you seem like an interesting, intelligent person, so just be happy with yourself, your good qualities. Alarming Sprinkles says, I want to just throw it out there. I don't know what you look like, and also could not really care less because I've met some ugly people in my life, and I am 300 pounds.

[00:21:24] Just don't knock yourself down a few notches. I don't give a shit what you look like. You got a good job. You're safe around women. You're in shape and care about your well-being. You maintain communication and friendships. You have boundaries and realistic expectations. You're respectful. The way you look is the least interesting part of you. Somebody is out there for you, and will also recognize that your face is the last interesting part of you. So two and a half years later, after that update,

[00:21:54] Opie comes in with a new one and says, It appears all of my posts are being removed. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to fix this. A few years ago, I came to Reddit to ask about an issue I was having with my friends, trying to set me up on blind dates. I've linked those posts above for context. I'm physically very unattractive due to various circumstances in my life, leaving me scarred, which causes issues in blind dating as you might guess. I then updated it after we resolved the issue. The women they were going to try and set me up with before our argument,

[00:22:24] Laura, ended up being really cool, and without the pressure of it being a blind date and just hanging out with a larger group, we clicked and we were fast friends. We hung out the night after at her place to watch movies and eat pizza. It was great. We started hanging out more and more as time went on and eventually she asked me out. I was terrified initially but decided to go for it. She's not bothered by my scars. She looks at me with kindness and warmth that is indescribably wonderful to me.

[00:22:54] Laura and I are still together. We got a place together not too long ago and I intend to propose to her early next year. Sam, Sarah and I are all still great friends. We now go on those triple dates they always wanted. We even did our first friends giving with them, their SOs and the kids. Laura loves getting to cook for a house full of guests and we intend to try and host more group meals now that we have a place with space for it.

[00:23:18] It wasn't easy but with a growing support network and Laura and my friends I was able to finally get some help for my mental health to work on my insecurities and trauma. Been going for over a year now and progress is slow but steady. Laura has been my rock. I love her more than I ever hated myself so it's been easier than I expected to keep going to therapy appointments. So that's about it. I was in a very dark place and some kindness from internet strangers helped me through a rough patch.

[00:23:46] So I wanted to repay them by at least posting an update. Even if most of those people have since moved on. So a commenter said to OP. This is such a sweet and heartwarming update OP. I'm so happy for you and Laura and I'm glad you're getting the help to work through your insecurities. I'm glad you decided to take another shot at love. Especially since the pressure of finding it through blind dates was taken off. May you have a great long life surrounded by love and support. Thanks for updating us. OP says thank you so much.

[00:24:15] People were so kind to me when I came here before and I felt like reaching out when I remembered everything I posted. I was in a very dark place and I bet I worried some kind hearted people with all that negative self talk. Before Laura I never thought I'd even be allowed to imagine getting to spend my life with someone. Yet here I am planning a proposal for the woman I love. And she loves me. I'm a lucky man. I'm sorry for rambling. I had to stop myself from going on and on about Laura in the post and I'm almost doing it here too.

[00:24:45] When OP said I love her more than I ever hated myself it's just like oh I'm so glad for OP. It's so nice to see a positive update. And I remember reading this post back then so I'm so glad that OP did come back and tell us how good their life is going for them now. I'm so happy for them. It's lovely. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now just a huge thank you for being here today.

[00:25:12] Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.