I'm REFUSING To Be Childcare For My Niece After What She Did! r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. Let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys. Now this story comes from fluffabuffer23 and says am I the arsehole here for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur?

[00:00:26] Hey everyone, I apologize for any errors in my English as it's not my first language. I, 29 male and my wife, 30 female, have two kids. Five male, three male. My wife works a full time office job while I work from home with extremely flexible hours. Basically as long as I meet my deadlines and no one really cares how many hours it took or what time of day I work outside of some Zoom meetings.

[00:00:49] My sister, 26 female, let's call her Barb and her husband, 30 male, let's call him Nick, live nearby and work full time jobs. They have a daughter, five female, let's call her Tracy. Because of my comfortable work schedule. When our kids started going to daycare, we basically decided that I'll be dropping off and picking up my niece from daycare alongside my own kids. I didn't really mind and I thought it was great for the kids to spend time with their cousin. I get along with Tracy as well and always thought I was her cool uncle.

[00:01:19] She's a sweet kid and usually well behaved. So anyway, most days I bring her and my kids back to our house. I make them snacks or dinner and in the afternoon slash evening, my sister comes to pick them up. A few days ago, the five-year-old kids were watching Bluey on the TV as I was preparing snacks with my three-year-old and I suddenly heard yelling. I rushed over to see what's up. My son was yelling at her that my dad's not a girl. While my niece yells back, he is, he's a F word slur. That's like a girl.

[00:01:50] The word is different in my language, but the meaning holds as it's the distinction between using it versus simply addressing a gay person. I'm kind of in shock at first, but I turned off the TV and I sat her down and began explaining that this is a very bad word and we shouldn't be calling people that. And regardless, I'm not a girl. And because this is a bad word, she should apologize to me because we don't act mean to each other in this family. And if I hear this again, I'm going to talk to her parents and she's going to get in trouble.

[00:02:18] She said she won't get in trouble because that's what her dad called me and he's not in trouble. I was stunned. I told her that regardless of what her dad said, it's a very bad word and she's not to use it with me or in my presence. And that she should apologize regardless because it hurt my feelings, which she did because she's a really good kid. We talked some more and I prodded her about other things her parents said. And from what I gather, getting info out of a five-year-old being obviously a difficult and unreliable process.

[00:02:47] Nick, my brother-in-law, told my sister in Tracy's presence that men shouldn't be sitting at home all day doing childcare. That cooking is a woman's duty, as is cleaning and really most of the things I do around my house. And that I'm a girl. I interpret this as not really a man because I do housework and my wife earns more money than me. I explained to her the best I could that men and women could work from an office or from home.

[00:03:12] And that my wife or Barb working long hours from the office doesn't make them men and vice versa. But I didn't dwell on it with her since it's not really her fault. I didn't immediately bring it up with my sister because I figured it'd be a difficult conversation. And I didn't want to have it in front of the kids. And I wanted to talk it out with my wife first as well. I did talk to my wife that evening and she seemed really upset as well. I told her I think I should demand an apology from Nick and my sister and she agreed.

[00:03:40] I called my sister and told her what happened. And she said that it's just a word and I'm blowing it out of proportion. And obviously Nick doesn't like me. I said I don't care whether he does or doesn't like me. He's talking shit about me behind my back to my niece and to her. And she is apparently very chill about this. Rather than standing up for me, she said that was how Nick was. And I should stop being a drama queen. I told her to fuck off. And if that's how she felt, she could pick up her own child from daycare and hung up.

[00:04:09] I know it was really short notice and rude. But I really felt like I was being disrespected by people I did so much for over the years. And were my family. My wife said she understood. And that I shouldn't back down until I at least get a proper apology. The next two days were a weekend and there was no daycare. I assumed there would be calls or texts from Barb. But there was nothing. In fact, the suspicious lack of any messages or calls made me think she didn't take my words seriously. And this actually got me even more angry.

[00:04:37] The calls did come when it was time to pick up Tracy for daycare. And I obviously didn't come. I dropped my own kids off and didn't even answer for a while. I know it was petty, but I was stewing for two days. And figured letting Barb stew for a few hours seemed really appropriate and felt really good. Around noon when she called again, I did pick up. I was going to smugly tell her that I was ready for my apology. And we would put it behind us. But I didn't get to.

[00:05:03] Instead, she went off on me about how I was irresponsible and I flaked. And she was so late for work because of me. To which I just said, I told you I wasn't going to pick her up. She had two days to make arrangements. And she kept yelling at me. So I hung up again. She kept calling me and sending me texts about picking Tracy up from daycare. To which I said I will not be. Then stopped replying. When I came to pick my kids up, Tracy was expecting me to take her as well. And I didn't, which was very rough on me and her both.

[00:05:33] Like, I know it's not her fault and she's five. And she suddenly doesn't get to go over to our place and play and have snacks. But at the same time, I didn't want to just let this thing go. I felt like I deserved an apology. And still do. So I explained that me and her mom were fighting. But I'll pick her up again when we work it out. She obviously didn't take it well. Because she's five. But I apologized, took my kids and left. Well, a bit later I get a call from my mom. Barb roped her into picking up Tracy. But my mom is disabled.

[00:06:02] So she was having a really hard time with Tracy. And asked me why I was being mean to Barb. I told her everything. Expecting her to take my side. But instead she pulled a, you know how Nick is. To which I replied that the more I realize how Nick is, the less I like it. And if he thinks all this shit in general. And about me specifically. I sure as fuck ain't going to be doing free labor for him. She said I was blowing this all out of proportion. And I told her I wasn't the one doing it.

[00:06:30] Because all I asked for was a fucking apology. And everyone else seemed to prefer all of this shit to just giving it to me. To which she said I should be the bigger man and not let it get to me. To which I said I was done. And to have fun with Tracy. That evening I got a call from Nick himself. Which I was hesitant about. But chose to answer on the off chance that I was actually about to get that apology. Nope. Apparently my behavior is causing Barb great distress. And we're a family. And how can I do this to my own sister?

[00:07:00] I told him that since we're family. How can he talk shit about me to his kid. Which I take care of daily. And he said he was only joking. And it was all in good fun. I told him it was neither good nor fun for me. And I want my apology. He blew up for me. Telling me I was an F slur. And couldn't take a joke. And called me a hysterical little girl. I told him to fuck off. And that I was done with him. And hung up. This led to a bunch of calls from Barb and my mom. Which I didn't answer.

[00:07:29] Barb texted me that it wasn't fair for Tracy to pay the price for me being petty. And I told her that it wasn't fair for Tracy to pay the price for her parents being ungrateful pieces of shit. To which she text yelled at me a bunch about how she was going to lose her job. And I was being cruel to her and to her mom. I told her I was done. And unless her next message was an apology. I'd be blocking her number. And it wasn't. So now I blocked her. Past few days my mom's been picking up Tracy. And it's been really rough seeing her in daycare.

[00:07:58] And explaining that grandma's going to pick her up. Which she hates. And tells me she isn't having fun with grandma. And wants to come over to our place. And it's heartbreaking. But at the same time I never got a single apology from anyone but the 5 year old. And I feel like letting this go would just be telling my family that it's okay to ignore my boundaries. But at the same time I do love my niece. And I don't want to traumatize her or have her resent me. She's a good kid and none of it is her fault. So am I the arsehole here? And what do I do?

[00:08:28] Edits. Holy shit guys. The post has barely been up 4 hours. And I'm already so grateful for all your support and advice. The angle of Nick actually wanting Barb to quit her job is not one I considered. But now I think it might actually have merit. And it makes me very worried for her. At the same time I can't really do much. And until she at least acknowledges that. That's just how Nick is. So stop overreacting. Isn't going to fly with me. I also assume it's only a matter of time until my mom is no longer an option. She's already having a hard time.

[00:08:57] So I hope I get a chance to talk to her about it. Ideally because she sees my point of view. But I'll settle for because she's desperate. I don't know what sort of childcare they'd be able to afford. They took out a large mortgage on a house they can barely afford. I'll also make certain to stress upon Tracy that I love her. And none of this is her fault. Thank you all. Absolutely not the arsehole in this situation. And clearly there's some worries about Barb and the way that she's treated at home.

[00:09:27] From some of the comments that was going on. But the way that they keep trying to twist it back on you. When you've been nothing but kind all this time. That's a huge perk to have someone collect your children. And care for them and feed them etc. And now they're realizing how much they fucked up. Will they ever apologize? I don't know. Because it doesn't sound like it. Especially the way Nick is. But the top commenter said not the arsehole. Nick is always the arsehole. So people are used to putting up with him. You standing up to him and making him responsible for his actions. Is breaking the status quo.

[00:09:57] He would rather tell you to help stabilize the boat. Than tell Nick to stop rocking it. Because it's easier to bully a nice person. Than it is to change a bad person. So OP did update the post. And says alright. So I posted this yesterday. And was genuinely overwhelmed by the comments. Advice and support. I'd like to thank everyone for it. And feel this warrants an update. Just to clarify a few things. My dad died from a heart attack two years ago. Which came as no surprise.

[00:10:27] Because he smoked a lot. And lived a pretty unhealthy life. So we weren't really surprised. It wasn't his first either. He was a great grandpa and a great dad before that. And right up to the end. But his death left my mom alone. And she doesn't work. My mom has MS. Which is basically mostly steady. But slowly gets worse over time. And flares up occasionally. And is made worse by stress. Which my mom goes through now. A flare up often means the level she gets back to. Isn't quite what it was before.

[00:10:57] So we mostly try to keep her stress free. My dad had life insurance. So her house is paid for. And she had a little money. But there's also a caretaker coming over three times a week. To clean, cook, do shopping etc. Which she can't afford. So me and my wife pay for. As I mentioned in a comment on the original post. Me and my wife are doing probably better off financially than Barb and Bill. They have a fancy house and fancy cars. But they have a mortgage and loans. So the great response I got made me think about this shit again.

[00:11:26] And I thought how could I stand my ground without giving up on Tracy altogether. And figured there was no perfect solution. And I had to settle on something. I took the day off work. I just needed to process and deal with this shit. One comment on the original post really got to me. About how someone would feel in Tracy's place. And I just can't do it to her now. I know this isn't the update some of you have wanted. But I just can't. I love her like she was one of my own. And my kids do as well. And it's not her fault.

[00:11:56] I unblocked my sister because obviously if I'm going to be interacting with her child. She needs to be able to reach me. I talked to my mum during the day. And she was again distraught about having to go pick Tracy up. Which is pretty hard on her. I told her I was willing to do it. But I'm coming over and she's going to have to hear me out. To which she agreed. I talked to her for a long time. Avoiding snark and lashing out this time. And just explaining that basically how serious Nick was or how he is doesn't matter.

[00:12:24] I used that rock in the boat analogy someone linked to in the comments. And further stressed my point by saying that it shouldn't matter if I was justified or not in getting upset. I am her child. And if something upset me. It at least warrants giving me the benefit of the doubt before siding against me. And eventually it seemed to come through. She apologized and we hugged it out. And I think she got it. She's not a very confrontational person. And generally really tries to keep the peace. And this time she went about it wrong.

[00:12:52] I'm not saying I'm not mad. But she's my mum. And she apologized. I explained to her that she shouldn't be covering for me. Because that means I have no leg to stand on when confronting Nick and Barb. And she was receptive to it. I text my sister that we needed to talk. And I dropped Tracy off at their place tonight. To which I got a stoic thumbs up. I picked up Tracy from daycare today. And she was overjoyed. She was actually a little possessive of me. Staying by my side all afternoon instead of running off to play. Which was cute.

[00:13:22] But also made me feel like shit a little. Because that's the impact me not picking her up. I explained to the best of my ability that she's not in trouble. And I'm not angry with her. But I am angry with her parents. And we need to work that out. But I'll do my best to not stop picking her up anymore. Which she was really happy about. I dropped her off in the evening. And once she was in bed. I sat down with Barb and Nick. I told them flat out that mum wasn't going to be covering for them anymore. And if they didn't let me finish what I had to say. I would get up and leave.

[00:13:52] And they can find new arrangements for Tracy. Didn't mean it. But they don't need to know that. They weren't happy. But they were willing to listen. So that's progress. Or at least the threat working. I explained that this was the situation now. I don't need them to mean their apology. But I sure as fuck was going to need one. This was principle now. I've spent years taking care of their child. And if they wanted to be arseholes. I wasn't going to do it for free. So this was how it goes now. 1.

[00:14:21] I'm no longer going to be dropping her off in the morning until further notice. There was no excuse for the way Nick acted. And it needed to have some lasting impact. 2. I was no longer going to be paying for family outings and family vacations. It was a man's job to support his family. So good luck with that. The exception is Tracy who is always welcome. 3. If I hear any more BS being talked about behind my back. I was going to start charging them for my service. My plan was to dangle the thing they want. Childcare.

[00:14:50] But at the same time giving some repercussions. And threat of things getting hard for them again. I also laid it on pretty thick about how I am a man. So I obviously have my pride. And I can't have that disrespected. Even by my own family who I obviously love. I don't really consider Nick family. But figured he wouldn't figure that out. Nick was not happy about this. And my sister actually had to take him outside to talk it out without me. But eventually they did agree to it. And I got my admittedly half-hearted apology.

[00:15:20] I could probably press it further. But I didn't want to risk having to either back down or hurt Tracy again. So I took this. There were no tears and no warm hugs. But I get to walk away with what I wanted. Giving them some payback. Without having to give up my time with Tracy. I still plan to talk to my sister alone about her relationship with Nick. And about how she sees me. But I figure I would let things calm down a bit before I do. I know this isn't the resolution. Some, maybe most of you wanted. But at the end of the day.

[00:15:49] I need to find a solution I can live with. And for me this is it. We'll update if anything changes. I personally really like the way Opie handled that. And I know many people will be like nah. I'm not caring for Tracy again. Simple as. Which I wouldn't blame him for if he went down that path either. But he's really got a lot of love for his niece. And he still wants to be a part of her life. And I don't blame him for that. And he's put some proper boundaries in place at this moment in time. And if they overstep him again.

[00:16:17] Well you know there's consequences for those. And it sounds like Opie will actually use them. And I really love the way that Opie reversed it all back on Nick. I'd have loved to just been in his brain. To hear his thoughts as Opie was saying that to him. But now what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Let's move on to another story. Now our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole here.

[00:16:47] Subreddit from Safe Opposite9417. And it says Am I the Arsehole for not giving back my fiance's deceased grandmother's engagement ring. Throw away account. I, 29 female, am engaged to Jake, 32 male. We've been engaged for two years. He has an older brother, Sam, 38. When Jake and I got engaged, Jake wanted me to have his grandmother's engagement ring.

[00:17:12] Jake talked to Sam and Sam said since he doesn't plan to get married or have children, that Jake should use the ring. I love that ring and love the sentimental meaning behind it. Sam met a wonderful woman, Hannah, within the past year and they're expecting a child. Once they found out it would be a girl, Hannah told Sam she wants him to get the ring back for their daughter. Jake has already told Sam no.

[00:17:37] During Sunday dinner last weekend at my mother-in-law's house, Hannah brought up the ring and how it should be given to their daughter, since she would be a great-grandchild and are not related by blood. It became an intense discussion. Luckily, my mother-in-law also agrees with my fiance and I. Hannah then asked if their daughter could have it in our will. I said no because it will either be given to our son or our future daughter.

[00:18:02] I told Hannah to take up a problem with Sam since he's the one who let Jake have the ring to give to me. Hannah ended up leaving the house crying. Am I the asshole? Red flags about Hannah all over, holy moly. I want to know the prequel to this though. At what point did Hannah start getting interested in the ring? When was it brought up as a topic of discussion?

[00:18:28] Because it sounds like Hannah is fairly new to the family dynamic, suddenly gets pregnant and then suddenly starts bringing up the ring. There must have been some discussion about this ring at some point to give it some importance to Hannah and I want to know why. It feels like Hannah looks at it as the one ring to rule them all. And it must be on her side of the family so she has the power or something along those lines. You know, it's wild. But mobile following says not the asshole, that's your engagement ring.

[00:18:57] Sam had his chance at the ring but he passed it to Jake. It became your engagement ring. Him trying to somehow retroactively claim the engagement ring because his one year relationship wants it is crazy. It's even crazier that she wants it for an unborn baby. If the ring is valuable, this gives vibes that Hannah is money grabbing. I know you say she is wonderful, but this is worrying behavior for a year old relationship.

[00:19:22] A baby is already on the way and she's already looking for what she can take because baby is related. I am Irene says definitely not the asshole. Wow, the cojones on your brother and his girlfriend. You may not be blood related but neither is your sister-in-law. Jake asked for the ring and Sam agreed. No takesie backsies. It is yours and should go to your children, period. I think maybe Hannah isn't used to being told, no, lol. Asparagus says not the asshole.

[00:19:51] I've seen so many titles similar to yours and was glad that this is a completely different context to that. This is all on Sam. He's the one who should be dealing with the fallout from the wonderful Hannah. Seems weird that Hannah's eye in the ring already. Leaving the house crying sounds like either manipulation to try and get her way or a tantrum because she's not getting her way. I'm not gonna lie, I would have probably laughed if I was sat in that room and someone displayed that kind of behavior.

[00:20:17] One year relationship expecting to take like family heirlooms and getting up and leaving the room when they didn't get their way. Jeez. Obtuse wisdom says not the asshole. Hannah looks at the ring as a status symbol in your family. Like whoever has the ring is the better, more important daughter-in-law or grandchild slash great-grandchild. Wild. It's silly. Expect plenty of attempted one-upmanship from her with the kids and for fuck's sake, don't give up your ring. And the comments just continued like that.

[00:20:47] Do not give up that ring. And just finding the behavior from itself from Hannah just absolutely wild. How? Put yourself in that room when she said these things and then got up and left Craig. How would you feel in that situation? How would you react to that? That's just bizarre, man. Anyway, let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:16] So thank you so, so much. And hopefully I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love.