I'm ENDING A 20 Year Marriage When I Discovered She Cheated When We Were Dating r/Relationships

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[00:00:36] Hey, hey waffle gang, I do have your well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit stories. And if you do love a Reddit story, why not consider?

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[00:00:51] Much love guys now today's first story comes from a particular library 618 and says am I wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on me while we were dating.

[00:01:04] My wife 44 female and I 43 male have been married 20 years.

[00:01:10] We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long distance for our first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college.

[00:01:20] Then we went to college in the same city for a year and have lived together since. We got married this summer after I graduated college.

[00:01:28] Our marriage has been pretty great so far but I initiated the divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the two years we were long distance.

[00:01:38] Just after Christmas we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner and hang out.

[00:01:44] We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school. Not that we dated just that we met.

[00:01:51] Her old college roommate commented that it was crazy that we met in high school. At a few wild years in college didn't end up together.

[00:01:59] I played along and commented that I didn't know if my wife was as crazy as I was. The roommate started to tell a story but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it.

[00:02:09] I sent something was up so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife's entire time at college.

[00:02:18] All of my wife's friends got really quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out one of her other roommates took me aside and said I should have an honest conversation about what happened at college.

[00:02:29] I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again, she said it wasn't important.

[00:02:38] When we got home I told her I was going to step my brother's house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college.

[00:02:45] The next day she came over and admitted to sleeping with several men during her first two years of college.

[00:02:51] She said she didn't consider it a big deal at the time because we were long distance and she didn't think her high school romance would last.

[00:02:58] I pressed for more details and she said it was at least ten different men, including at least three guys she introduced me to as friends when I came to visit on weekends and one guy she's still in contact with.

[00:03:10] I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could, which I did on January 2nd. Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn't throw away my marriage over a few mistakes.

[00:03:22] I've stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect.

[00:03:36] I have two children but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marriage.

[00:03:42] Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I'm going crazy with the amount of people telling me to overlook years of infidelity and decades of lies.

[00:03:51] Edit, holy shit! I'm glad I did this with a throw away because the response here is unexpected.

[00:03:57] I obviously can't answer every question and comment but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.

[00:04:02] The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it's common to sleep with other folks when you're in a long distance relationship and I'm kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around.

[00:04:12] I felt like I was being gaslit but I wanted an outside perspective.

[00:04:17] I've been in a state with a waiting period to finalize it of all so I felt it was reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized.

[00:04:24] After these comments I see a handful of folks saying it's normal to sleep around during a long distance relationship but it seems to be a significant minority.

[00:04:32] We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two year college period.

[00:04:36] I lived about three hours away from our college so it was long distance but not like cross country.

[00:04:41] This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other.

[00:04:45] A three guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties.

[00:04:50] The subject of me being a boyfriend didn't really come up so honestly don't know if these guys knew anything.

[00:04:55] The one guy we're still in contact with married and mutual friend from college.

[00:05:00] This is not some guy she's secretly messaging on the side, it's somebody we've talked to regularly for years.

[00:05:05] I've talked to him a few times since I've learned about my wife.

[00:05:08] He said he didn't know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.

[00:05:14] Some folks have asked how the roommates didn't realise that our wedding at the time lines didn't work out.

[00:05:20] The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony but just close family in Texas.

[00:05:25] Then went back to the east coast to have a big party with friends.

[00:05:28] The typical reception sharing details about how we met and stuff didn't really happen.

[00:05:33] So a roommate didn't realise we started dating before college.

[00:05:36] It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we're both in the same city and moved in together.

[00:05:42] I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marriage but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I'm the one who's had a line is just too much for me.

[00:05:51] The only time she showed any remorse or even offered to reconcile is when I started filing paperwork.

[00:05:57] In the last week she's gone back to saying she's right and I'm overreacting.

[00:06:01] This is also why I'm feeling like I'm being gaslit.

[00:06:05] It seems obvious that this is a major issue but I've got my wife and others telling me it's normal and I'm overreacting.

[00:06:12] I'm not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one.

[00:06:15] I don't have any doubts that they are biologically mine and no tests will make them not my kids.

[00:06:20] I love them more than anything in the world and my wife's infidelity won't change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine.

[00:06:28] It'd been my kids for 19 years and it would be my kids until I stop breathing.

[00:06:33] Final edit.

[00:06:34] Hey, I've been getting a bunch of the responses but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged so I won't be checking in anymore.

[00:06:42] There are a few more answers to common questions I've seen.

[00:06:45] We were definitely exclusively dating at the time.

[00:06:48] First dating culture was a lot different 20 years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people.

[00:06:54] Second we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college and about continuing the relationship long distance.

[00:07:01] She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school.

[00:07:08] Finally, at my senior prom she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonic female friend of mine.

[00:07:15] As a result I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead while we never said the word exclusive.

[00:07:21] I think the above reasons combined with a general relationship before she left are enough to assume exclusivity.

[00:07:27] Based on some comments here I followed up with the friend that said I should have an honest conversation.

[00:07:32] She told me that 10 guys would be on the low end and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn't know about.

[00:07:40] Honestly don't think that really changes much.

[00:07:42] It's less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.

[00:07:50] Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me.

[00:07:55] I'll still be open to therapy if she's willing but I honestly feel like it'd be more about us being successful for co-parents and finding closure and saving our marriage.

[00:08:04] And absolutely that would change things for me as well, being told that she cheated on you whole bunch of guys

[00:08:11] and she gaslighting you at the same time telling you do know you're the one in the wrong you're the one who's weird for not sleeping around during a long distance relationship

[00:08:19] then meeting up with these guys that she's still in contact with and introducing you to them.

[00:08:24] And I know for sure all of that would definitely play on my mind and I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to move past that but okay,

[00:08:32] educate a 7097 says she cheated and lied to you then maintain contact with at least one of the fuck buddies and introduce you to many of the guys that were banging her.

[00:08:43] That is not dishonest but cruel.

[00:08:46] I think you're 100% in the right who knows what else she's done.

[00:08:50] Have no way of knowing.

[00:08:52] Alex says, yeah that's the part that stuck with me most as well.

[00:08:56] My marriage ended primarily due to my ex cheating on me.

[00:08:59] The part that hurt the most was that it was with a coworker, someone she made quick friends with and someone who was trying to be friends with me too.

[00:09:06] We had him and his wife over to hang out and just him over on multiple occasions.

[00:09:11] Cheating sucks either way but the beast so brazen about it waving your affair partner in front of your partner's face is something else.

[00:09:18] Certainly made me feel like a tool.

[00:09:20] I wish you the best OP then that anyone tell you it's not so bad because it was a long time ago.

[00:09:26] She chose to keep it a secret and would have continued doing so.

[00:09:30] I guess she didn't feel that guilty about it, that's not someone you can trust.

[00:09:36] Static Cloud says, if she slept around in college and told you about it and you reconciled no issue there.

[00:09:42] But she kept it from you.

[00:09:44] She kept in contact with one.

[00:09:46] She introduced you to her flings as friends at the time.

[00:09:49] That's completely messed up.

[00:09:51] You were right to the bossa.

[00:09:52] She lied to you for 20 years.

[00:09:54] She does not respect you now or then.

[00:09:57] I'll see you pay says if she wants to do the work to remain in your life in any capacity that's up to you guys.

[00:10:02] You should absolutely do what you need to do to feel comfortable with your way forward.

[00:10:06] She robbed you of your agency for 20 years and then invited people who have violated you into your life.

[00:10:12] I don't blame you for feeling whatever way you do.

[00:10:15] But you and your children can navigate this as well as possible.

[00:10:18] And if there is a way you can live happily in whatever capacity with your wife then I'm all for that too.

[00:10:23] Who was best for you?

[00:10:25] Fuck how anyone else feels, wishing you the best.

[00:10:29] Opie says it would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix things.

[00:10:33] Throughout our conversation about it she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to totally normal behavior.

[00:10:40] She didn't show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realised I was serious about the vort.

[00:10:46] And she got defensive and angry.

[00:10:49] She didn't offer the fixings in any way until I started the paperwork and notified her that I had a lawyer.

[00:10:54] I think we can navigate being parents.

[00:10:56] Our kids are older and I've been putting away money for college and post high school for a long time.

[00:11:01] So a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn't be a big problem.

[00:11:05] We're also both financially stable and make good money.

[00:11:09] A final comment from Blue Sky overhead who says it's not just a past mistake.

[00:11:14] It is a personal failing that someone can lie and deceive and betray someone.

[00:11:17] It doesn't matter how long ago the betrayal happened.

[00:11:20] It was still a betrayal of trust.

[00:11:23] Also it's not in the past.

[00:11:25] She was basically outed and court-read-handed and yet still lied to your face and told you there was nothing to discuss.

[00:11:31] It took you leaving the home for her to finally admit what she had basically already been outed for.

[00:11:36] Why else is she hiding because she deems it not important?

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[00:12:36] Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds.

[00:12:37] Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation.

[00:12:43] They said yes.

[00:12:44] And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those owners to your contracts, they said,

[00:12:49] what the f*** are you talking about? You insane Hollywood s**t.

[00:12:52] So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month.

[00:12:58] Give it a try at MintMobile.com-slaesh-switch.

[00:13:00] $45 up front for three months plus taxes and fees, promoting for new customers for limited time.

[00:13:03] Unlimited more than 40 gigabytes per month, so full turns at MintMobile.com.

[00:13:08] So, OP does come in with our updates as first.

[00:13:12] Let's talk about the things I learned about the situation in college.

[00:13:15] After talking to my wife in sessions and texting with two of her roommates,

[00:13:19] it's clear that her roommate's new something was up in college.

[00:13:22] They said they thought the situation was weird and likely involved cheating.

[00:13:26] My wife had told them that we both had some wild times in college

[00:13:30] and we worked it out before we got married.

[00:13:32] So they never really brought it up.

[00:13:34] A roommate who pulled me aside recently was uncomfortable with the fact that my wife clearly didn't talk it through with me and wanted me to know.

[00:13:41] As far as being introduced to the guy she slept with,

[00:13:44] apparently that was not intended.

[00:13:46] But one of the guys, he ended up dating and then marrying one of our mutual friends from college.

[00:13:50] This is the guy she was in contact with.

[00:13:53] In the other situation, she initially blamed me in the counseling session but has now agreed it was bad.

[00:13:58] When I went to visit her, she planned to hang out in the room or just hang out together alone.

[00:14:04] But I wanted to go to a few parties because in high school and community college,

[00:14:07] I didn't really have parties to go to.

[00:14:09] She didn't expect me to meet the guys but they were at the parties and she felt she really didn't have a choice.

[00:14:15] I still think this is kind of shitty but it's not as bad as they're intentionally parading me in front of the guys.

[00:14:21] Most of our discussion in therapy has been talking about what I think is a big deal and she doesn't.

[00:14:26] She and her actually said that none of these guys were in relationships with her

[00:14:30] and it was mostly one nightstands or friends with benefits.

[00:14:33] Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships,

[00:14:36] she didn't see as a big deal.

[00:14:38] Her words not mine.

[00:14:40] My opinion is that we never said it was okay and she actively prevented me from doing the same.

[00:14:45] After digging into this across two sessions and my wife talking to some friends,

[00:14:49] she now agrees was a breach of our trust and relationship.

[00:14:53] This is the shared understanding that has helped us talk about the situation more honestly

[00:14:57] and helped us get from arguing to talking, which is why I'm optimistic about co-parenting.

[00:15:02] Now here's why I'm 100% set on the vort.

[00:15:05] Two things came up that made me want to leave the marriage.

[00:15:08] First about 10 years ago, we went through a really rough patch and had a dead bedroom for about 2 years.

[00:15:14] She had expressed that our sex life was becoming boring so I tried to spice things up.

[00:15:19] Nothing crazy just role play and like Spencer's gift level sex toys.

[00:15:23] Apparently she'd been hung up on some sexual experience that happened in college.

[00:15:27] That she's not comfortable talking about and wanted me to try them.

[00:15:31] But when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty,

[00:15:34] that it made her think of other men while she was with me.

[00:15:37] The fact that she's saying these experiences were meaningless

[00:15:40] but this didn't impact in our marriage tells me they meant more than what she wants to say.

[00:15:44] Second she admitted that she's been flirting with co-workers on business trips since the pandemic ended.

[00:15:50] She says she has never slept with anybody but it got us far as going on a date with one of her male co-workers.

[00:15:55] That was the absolute deal breaker for me.

[00:15:58] We have told our children that we're getting a divorce.

[00:16:01] We told them it was due to some bad decisions that we made in college

[00:16:04] that we're having trouble moving past.

[00:16:06] My 19 year old who was in college asked me if I cheated on my wife while she was away at college.

[00:16:12] My wife got a little shaken up but admitted to the kids that she's the one that cheated.

[00:16:16] I've agreed to not share any additional details with the kids.

[00:16:20] I reinforce that both of us will be there for the kids and that we're in therapy

[00:16:23] to make sure we can handle this in the best way for the family.

[00:16:27] I also told the kids that if they wanted to talk to either averse or a therapist about it

[00:16:31] then I would fully support it.

[00:16:34] We started talking to a mediator about how to proceed with a divorce

[00:16:37] and unless things change we should be able to have an amicable divorce.

[00:16:41] We're both financially stable on our own.

[00:16:44] We have no major debts and our kids are older so custody isn't a major issue.

[00:16:48] This has been a shitty couple of months for me but I'm doing okay now

[00:16:52] and I'm honestly grateful that my last post blew up

[00:16:55] because it both validated some of my feelings

[00:16:57] but also motivated me to go to counseling with my wife.

[00:17:00] Edit a couple of things to add in response to the comments.

[00:17:04] I know she probably cheated more than she has admitted.

[00:17:07] Once I did bedroom situation from years ago

[00:17:09] I'd date with a coworker who came up.

[00:17:11] Except that this has probably been going on at some level for our whole marriage.

[00:17:15] I'm not glossing over that because I'm an idiot who believes she's telling the whole truth.

[00:17:19] I have enough truth to know this is the right decision

[00:17:22] now that was more than just college.

[00:17:24] Add in more detail won't change anything.

[00:17:27] In this post the last post and a lot of messages,

[00:17:30] a lot of messages people keep asking if a whole pass would have helped things.

[00:17:35] It won't.

[00:17:36] I don't believe that more cheating will solve the trust issues.

[00:17:40] I may have worked for other people but I don't really think that's going to help us.

[00:17:44] My soon to be ex and I counsellor know about the Reddit posts

[00:17:47] was up front with both of them about it.

[00:17:50] I kept this anonymous enough that I doubt anybody would guess who I really am.

[00:17:53] This has helped me process things.

[00:17:55] No honesty seeing both sides of the issue has helped me

[00:17:58] and reading the comments on the last post

[00:18:00] helped my wife better understand some of the frustration and hurt I feel.

[00:18:04] I don't necessarily believe sharing all these details on Reddit

[00:18:07] is the healthiest way to handle a situation.

[00:18:10] I don't have many close friends I can share with

[00:18:12] who aren't mutual friends with my wife.

[00:18:15] This is kind of a way to talk through it.

[00:18:18] You were being gasslet and told you know

[00:18:20] you're the one who was weird for not sleeping around all that time ago

[00:18:24] and she's almost moved past that now

[00:18:26] but then comes up with actually been flirting with co-workers

[00:18:30] and went on a date as well.

[00:18:32] Come on man.

[00:18:33] You deserve so much better than that.

[00:18:36] And I'm glad you do realize that and people telling you

[00:18:39] you know they have a hall pass like that's going to fix anything I mean.

[00:18:42] Wow.

[00:18:43] Like you said, more cheating isn't going to help this situation at all.

[00:18:48] It all comes down to trust and that trust is just blown up.

[00:18:52] There's not there no more.

[00:18:54] And how would you move on without it because I certainly wouldn't be able to.

[00:18:58] But what do you guys make of this situation?

[00:19:01] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:19:04] Let's move on to another story.

[00:19:08] And our next story is going to come from the malicious compliance subreddit

[00:19:12] because we haven't been there in a while and I saw fart in the title

[00:19:15] and I'm a big kid so shoot me.

[00:19:17] Adventurous way 4721 says that won't let me work from home?

[00:19:22] Okay, I'll fart up the office.

[00:19:25] This could also probably go in M.I.V.R. So long.

[00:19:28] I'm usually able to work from home but I go into the office one day a week.

[00:19:33] One of the side effects of medication among is uncontrollable gas.

[00:19:37] This is one of the less serious but more annoying and hilarious side effects.

[00:19:41] Lately, it's gotten pretty bad.

[00:19:44] Since I usually work from home, I asked if I could work from home on my office day.

[00:19:48] I get out spare others and only subject myself in my dark who can hold his own gas wise anyway.

[00:19:54] I just said it was because I was having side effects but kept it vague.

[00:19:59] I could hear my boss sigh.

[00:20:01] She said, you need to come in today.

[00:20:03] We have some new people starting and I told them you would do a meeting greet

[00:20:07] and it would look bad if I wasn't there.

[00:20:10] I didn't think that's a good enough reason but she kept insisting so I took a pill

[00:20:14] to try and stop the gas and went into work.

[00:20:17] Gas pill wears off at 10 am.

[00:20:19] I managed to meet the people and it's fine but then I'm informed

[00:20:22] that I'm expected to stay in their class and shadow the training.

[00:20:26] I guess that's the real reason my boss wanted me in.

[00:20:30] At this point, try and get a private moment to tell my boss

[00:20:33] a classy lady who wears pearls and see that I'd be farting.

[00:20:38] But alas, she was whisked away to another meeting.

[00:20:42] So this was the first few times I had to fart.

[00:20:45] I tried to excuse myself but it became so distracting me going in and out of the room

[00:20:50] that eventually I just decided to let it happen in this room of about 10 of our newest hires.

[00:20:56] Someone must have told my boss on lunch break because I got a pn that said,

[00:21:00] okay you can go home.

[00:21:02] Don't know what other fallout to expect from that but I'm at home with my dog right now

[00:21:07] just gassing my place up.

[00:21:09] Who feet?

[00:21:10] Where'd he said, I'd be farting.

[00:21:15] I played who I peed.

[00:21:16] You know, you go from the warning they didn't listen to it.

[00:21:19] Fuck around.

[00:21:20] Find out basically.

[00:21:22] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:21:25] Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:21:28] Maybe you got your own little office beef going on.

[00:21:31] Let us know and just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved

[00:21:35] in today's stories.

[00:21:36] The love you're supporting your time always means the absolute world to me.

[00:21:39] So thank you so, so much for being involved and hopefully I'll see you in the next one.

[00:21:44] Take care and much love.

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