Iced Out A Friend Who Tried To Police My Social Media & Reminded Me I'm Not In Shape r/Relationships

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[00:01:03] I, 23F, was friends with Josh, 21M, whom I only met about 8 months ago in college, and we immediately hit it off.

[00:01:21] He especially gave me a lot of support after my ex broke up with me, reasons unrelated to Josh.

[00:01:28] I started posting more often on my stories, mostly about funny memes and occasionally selfies of me trying out looks that I really enjoyed.

[00:01:36] After I posted a story of my gym access card, no personal info was on the card, only the gym logo, saying it's time to do something for myself.

[00:01:44] Josh messaged me privately saying, OK, you don't have to post everything on your story. Lol.

[00:01:50] He went on to say that I should only post good moments on my page, and that when I achieve an amazing body, then that'll be something worth posting.

[00:01:58] I was taken aback because 1. It's my page, and 2. Although he said I can post whatever makes me happy, he kept going on about how it's better to follow his method of posting.

[00:02:09] He jokingly decided that I need a social media manager so he can monitor what is or isn't worthy of posting.

[00:02:18] He basically went through my entire Instagram page and even asked why I still have my post about my UMAT preparation.

[00:02:24] To give more context, Josh is a Christian and doesn't really post on his social media.

[00:02:29] He's also commented on my body on how I haven't reached my full potential multiple times.

[00:02:35] At it's worst, he would mention it at least once a day.

[00:02:38] I've set boundaries with him since that although I understand where he's coming from and that I agree that I'm not in the best shape that I can be,

[00:02:45] I don't appreciate him constantly mentioning it in every conversation.

[00:02:49] He knew I battled an eating disorder for years during my teens.

[00:02:53] He'd apologize and backed off from it mostly until this happened.

[00:02:57] I almost immediately distanced myself, and we went from talking almost every day to almost no contact.

[00:03:04] Josh pointed out that he noticed the significant drop in conversation, but I brushed it off.

[00:03:10] He texts me a couple of times asking when I'm free, but I always find a reason to end the conversation ASAP.

[00:03:16] I understand to an extent on where he's coming from as I get he's trying to tell me things from a different perspective

[00:03:22] and how what I post could seem desperate to my ex.

[00:03:25] My ex and I never unfollowed each other.

[00:03:27] However, him telling me what he thinks about what I post in addition to the body comments makes me feel very uncomfortable.

[00:03:34] I felt that he cared more about getting his point across over respecting the boundaries I've set.

[00:03:39] I would perfectly understand if he started this conversation if I was consistently posting about the breakup or sad things, but this was not the case.

[00:03:47] I have since removed him as a follower, so I'm either the arsehole or pulling away.

[00:04:09] I'll google it after this.

[00:04:39] To be honest, you said that you understand to an extent where he's coming from.

[00:04:44] Well, to be quite frank, you shouldn't.

[00:04:46] You said it's a different perspective.

[00:04:48] It's a wrong perspective.

[00:04:50] And the worst thing which absolutely infuriated me.

[00:04:54] I know people with eating disorders and to say that to someone who's gone through an eating disorder in the past is absolutely disgusting.

[00:05:04] That can be so damaging.

[00:05:08] And it could potentially set someone back to square one.

[00:05:11] But absolutely, you are not the arsehole for pulling away in this situation.

[00:05:16] Genevieve says not the arsehole.

[00:05:18] Tell him he still hasn't reached his full friend potential and you don't want him until he does because you only engage with people worth engaging with.

[00:05:27] Miss Murderpants says not the arsehole.

[00:05:29] People like that seem to be energy vampires.

[00:05:32] Anacolade says not the arsehole.

[00:05:34] Shut up Josh.

[00:05:35] If I wanted to hear an arsehole talk, I'd fart.

[00:05:41] Amazing, I'm such a child.

[00:05:43] It's all you ever need to say.

[00:05:45] Post what makes you happy, not what some tactless moron tells you you should post.

[00:05:49] He has nothing actually constructive to say.

[00:05:52] He just needs to be quiet.

[00:05:54] A silent fool is always better received than a loud one.

[00:05:57] Opie says, ah man, I wish I was clever enough to say that to him at the time lol.

[00:06:03] I'll be posting an update maybe in the next day and once I get the final verdict.

[00:06:07] I'm posting part 1 first so people can get the full context.

[00:06:10] Exquisite Gerbil says not the arsehole.

[00:06:14] He's not trying to show you a different perspective.

[00:06:16] He expects you to see the light and accept that his opinion is the one and only irrefutable truth.

[00:06:22] He is rude, treating you as lesser with the I know best attitude and you're being way too understanding.

[00:06:28] The comments about your body are far over the line.

[00:06:32] He does not have a point.

[00:06:33] It doesn't matter if the comments are technically correct.

[00:06:35] They are incredibly rude and damaging.

[00:06:38] Sounds like he's trying to chip away your self confidence with little digs disguised as advice.

[00:06:43] I'm seeing red flags that he may be controlling.

[00:06:46] Maybe he's just an obnoxious buffoon who just thinks he knows best.

[00:06:50] But it could be that he's taking the first steps to get you to compromise away your boundaries.

[00:06:54] If so, be on the lookout for over the top apologies and love bombing.

[00:06:59] Not necessarily romantic love to close the recent distance.

[00:07:03] Decent Pair says Josh is negging you.

[00:07:07] That's the word I was looking for.

[00:07:09] It's a well known psychological manipulation technique aimed at lowering your self esteem and triggering you to seek their approval.

[00:07:16] Narcissistic people are predators who instinctively know how to push your weakest buttons and feed on your self doubt, anger and attention you give them.

[00:07:25] The only way to win that game is not to play.

[00:07:27] Ghost Josh, he's not your friend.

[00:07:31] OPA gave us an update post and said hey it's me again.

[00:07:34] Yesterday I posted to ask if I was the arsehole for icing out my friend Josh after he attempted to police my social media postings and patronize my body.

[00:07:44] I went to bed soon after and holy crap I did not expect to wake up to my phone being blown up.

[00:07:50] The amount of not the arsehole and supportive comments were overwhelming and I thank each and every one of you.

[00:07:56] I also saw some FHQs I would like to clarify.

[00:07:59] 1. I saw someone ask why I posted in a few threads about the same topic.

[00:08:03] From past experience, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get a lot of feedback in one single thread.

[00:08:08] Hence I tried it out as I've seen a couple of people do it.

[00:08:11] I also had issues with accidentally violating community rules because my post is relationship related.

[00:08:17] My attempts to post on the actual Am I the Arsehole community has all ended in instant or delayed removals.

[00:08:22] I didn't expect this post to blow up to the extent it did.

[00:08:26] 2. Many of you guys mentioned Josh's actions as negging and secretly liking me.

[00:08:31] Even if all of what I said never happened, I have never and will never like Josh romantically.

[00:08:37] I don't know whether it's his intention to mold me into having an amazing body so he can date me.

[00:08:43] If that's what he's trying to do, that's very appalling and it only solidifies that I would never let anything beyond friendship happen between us.

[00:08:51] 3. Josh and I are schoolmates and we study the same course in college.

[00:08:55] So I feel that it's not in my best interest to block him unless he tries pushing my boundaries again.

[00:09:00] My Instagram account is private and I've already removed him from my followers list so he no longer has access to what I post.

[00:09:07] This is also the only social media that he has of me.

[00:09:11] 4. I dropped him. I'm simply asking if my actions were justified and just want validation that I'm not overreacting to this.

[00:09:18] Now onto the update.

[00:09:20] 3 weeks ago Josh texted me asking if I was mad at him as he noticed he wasn't hearing from me.

[00:09:26] I initially left him on read but eventually decided that it was time to lay everything out.

[00:09:31] I typed up a few long texts on how the past conversations really annoyed me and made me very uncomfortable.

[00:09:38] Whether he sees it or not, he completely overstepped his place as a friend with the comments on my body.

[00:09:43] I told him that he crossed the line multiple times even after I stated that I want him to stop

[00:09:48] and regarding his social media comments, if no one asks for his opinion, he should keep his thoughts to himself.

[00:09:54] I also stated the fact that the number of times he commented on my body in a month far exceeded how many times my dad would mention it in an entire year.

[00:10:02] He apologized for making me feel that way, explaining that he got too comfortable and recognized he hurt me with his comments.

[00:10:08] He explained himself as only trying to encourage me especially seeing how hurt I was from the breakup.

[00:10:14] From how he worded his apology, I think he still doesn't realize that the real reason the friendship ended was because

[00:10:20] he disrespected my boundaries and not just because of his comments.

[00:10:24] I thought about explaining further but no longer can I be bothered to argue with him.

[00:10:29] We made an agreement to stay civil in school and to continue helping each other out with studies

[00:10:33] but that from now on I want no conversation with him outside of academics.

[00:10:37] Coming to the decision to call him out was very difficult as I'm a very non-confrontational person.

[00:10:43] I'm usually someone who just lets the friendship fizzle out by itself, never have I ever full on put a friend in their place and drop them out like that.

[00:10:51] But I had a feeling that he would keep trying to get an answer from me so I just went fuck it.

[00:10:56] Although I'm so relieved for finally getting everything out and that he didn't try to put up a fight,

[00:11:01] part of me still feels sad about it as we were once best friends.

[00:11:04] It also sucks to lose a boyfriend and a friend within a 6 month time frame.

[00:11:08] There were times when I wondered if I went too far by severing almost all ties with him.

[00:11:13] If this was worth ending a friendship for, I ended up coming to terms that it wasn't his comments that I found offensive

[00:11:19] but was that I set a clear boundary for him and he chose to ignore and forget about it.

[00:11:24] I also feel that he was projecting his standards on me.

[00:11:27] That showed me he prioritised getting his point across over respecting my wishes.

[00:11:31] And to me, his intentions are irrelevant because of this.

[00:11:34] I always make it my first priority to respect my friends boundaries once they mention it to me

[00:11:41] and I'm slightly disappointed in myself that I let Josh go on for a couple of months before I decided to pull away and eventually cut him off.

[00:11:47] I will always appreciate Josh for giving me support after my breakup

[00:11:50] but I now have zero confidence that he'll respect any boundaries I try to put up in the future.

[00:11:55] We'll have to see him when college starts again in 2 weeks.

[00:11:58] Fingers crossed that he doesn't try to push anything as any attempts will earn him a block on all my methods of contact.

[00:12:04] We'll update if anything significant happens.

[00:12:07] For now, I'm lucky to be surrounded with friends and acquaintances who appreciate me for who I am

[00:12:12] and I've never been happier.

[00:12:15] I'm also thankful that I gained the awareness and self-confidence to recognise abnormal behaviours

[00:12:20] and to not tolerate anyone who's disrespectful towards me.

[00:12:23] Once again, a big thank you to all for reading my posts

[00:12:27] and also a thank you for all the supportive and savage and hilarious comments.

[00:12:31] I wish the best in life for all of you.

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[00:13:24] The OP comes in with what they're calling their final update.

[00:13:28] The first paragraph of it, they just give a summary of what happened

[00:13:32] and shares links to part 1 and 2 and then says,

[00:13:35] After cutting Josh off, we did not speak at all for over a month.

[00:13:39] I'm not going to lie, it was really hard.

[00:13:41] Especially after the grief of the friendship breakup hit.

[00:13:44] Josh and I were very close. We essentially had a big sister-younger brother relationship.

[00:13:48] I had to get used to him no longer being one of the first people that I decided to share

[00:13:52] a personal milestone or even just a meme with.

[00:13:56] During the first week of school, we did not even make eye contact and he sat far away from me during the lectures.

[00:14:01] This was a stark contrast to us always sitting together and laughing about random shit.

[00:14:07] Part of me was relieved that he was finally respecting the boundaries I put up,

[00:14:11] but I was also stung knowing how close we once were.

[00:14:14] After taking that month to process everything and based on our past interactions,

[00:14:18] I knew he very likely didn't have any malicious intentions when he said those things to me.

[00:14:23] But was just unfortunately extremely ignorant and oblivious to how he was acting.

[00:14:29] After talking to a friend about everything I had been feeling,

[00:14:31] I decided to reach out to Josh and ask to talk in person after class.

[00:14:35] I missed my best friend. I missed the dynamic of our friendship.

[00:14:39] I knew his attitude would be a crucial factor in determining whether we can be friends again.

[00:14:44] If we reconcile, I can forgive but not forget and if we don't,

[00:14:48] this would have been good to close the chapter on my part.

[00:14:51] Josh had already had an inkling of what I wanted to talk about.

[00:14:55] He explained that after we stopped speaking, he understood how badly fucked up and how out of line he was.

[00:15:01] When his co-workers learned of what he did, they ripped him apart asking why on earth he would do that to me.

[00:15:08] That made me smile because I'm glad his co-workers actually think with their heads instead of their asses.

[00:15:13] I told him while I'm hurt by what he did to me, our friendship meant a lot to me

[00:15:17] and after seeing that he's genuinely remorseful, I think we can move past this.

[00:15:21] I also acknowledged that I could have handled the situation better by immediately confronting him

[00:15:26] instead of giving him the cold shoulder for two months before saying anything.

[00:15:30] We agreed that hard boundaries need to be set and if he criticizes my body again or breaks any more boundaries,

[00:15:37] our friendship will immediately be terminated.

[00:15:39] I told him that it will take time for me to trust him again and for the friendship to return back to the way it was or if ever.

[00:15:45] He understood and was glad that I was willing to talk to him again.

[00:15:49] As I said before, I'm usually someone who never looks back once I cut the cord.

[00:15:54] However, I made my first exception considering Josh and I had such strong sibling-like bond

[00:15:59] and seeing him take accountability for his actions meant no way he'd near back to normal yet.

[00:16:04] At least we can get along well and not have things be awkward in school again.

[00:16:08] For now, I will remain cautiously optimistic.

[00:16:11] For those who've followed my story from part 1, I thank you all for your support.

[00:16:16] So far Josh has been very respectful of my boundaries and we promise to immediately communicate

[00:16:21] if we accidentally overstep any unspoken boundaries.

[00:16:24] Hopefully I won't have to make a part 4 so this will be it.

[00:16:27] Signing off and best wishes to all of you.

[00:16:30] Now of course, I've read this in the space of a few minutes so this has all happened very quickly for me.

[00:16:36] So my first thoughts are I still don't like Josh.

[00:16:39] Personally, you mentioned your eating disorder and he talked about your body like that.

[00:16:44] I've seen the damage comments like that can cause and that's just a bridge too far for me and that's not forgivable.

[00:16:50] But you know, this is your life and you need to lead it and you need to deal with it in the best way possible.

[00:16:55] You're putting up boundaries again.

[00:16:58] Another thing that rubbed me the wrong way in this is that when his coworkers learned of what he did,

[00:17:02] they ripped him apart and asked him why on earth he would do that to me.

[00:17:05] Of course, why wouldn't anyone?

[00:17:07] But it still required you to go up to him to talk this out.

[00:17:11] Can people change? Will your friendship work?

[00:17:14] Potentially, who knows?

[00:17:16] And I truly hope that he does learn his lesson.

[00:17:19] He is remorseful for this because the alternative is he gets comfortable again and does it again.

[00:17:23] Which I really hope it doesn't go down that path for you AP.

[00:17:27] But a couple of the top comments after this one, Firefly says,

[00:17:29] I hope this all works out for you.

[00:17:31] I know you said Josh has taken accountability for his actions, but this doesn't really come across in any of the three posts.

[00:17:37] He explained that after we stopped speaking he understood how badly fucked up and how out of line he was.

[00:17:43] When his coworkers learned of what he did, they ripped him apart, asking why on earth he would do that to me.

[00:17:48] Firefly continues,

[00:17:50] I noticed that he needed other people to point out what he had done.

[00:17:55] He didn't seem to come to that conclusion himself, even after you explained how he made you feel.

[00:17:59] Please continue to expand your friend group, don't just rely on this guy.

[00:18:04] Hoppy says thank you for your advice.

[00:18:06] I think he realized it after I finally told him.

[00:18:09] His coworkers reactions were just further confirmation on that.

[00:18:12] And yes, I do have lots of other friends other than him.

[00:18:15] I'm optimistic but still cautious as we only talked not so long ago.

[00:18:20] I will be observing to see if his actions align with his words.

[00:18:24] Feromancer says,

[00:18:26] There's a song I really like that goes,

[00:18:28] If it weren't for second chances we'd all be alone.

[00:18:32] That being said, it has to be on your terms, not his.

[00:18:36] I'm glad to hear that he's got an idea of how badly he messed up in this.

[00:18:39] It's also very good to hear that you're being resolute and strong in your boundaries.

[00:18:44] A second chance is a gift that we should be careful giving out.

[00:18:47] Not everyone deserves it.

[00:18:50] Hope things work out with your friend.

[00:18:52] But before we move on to another story,

[00:18:54] I just want to say OP, thank you for sharing your story on our subreddit.

[00:18:58] And I truly hope whatever path you take going forward, it works out for you.

[00:19:03] As you deserve it.

[00:19:05] But now I turn this one to you guys.

[00:19:08] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:19:10] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:19:12] Let's have another story.

[00:19:16] And our next story comes from the Am I the Arsehole subreddit.

[00:19:19] It does have a little update attached to it.

[00:19:21] It's from Nojob7202 who says

[00:19:23] Am I the Arsehole for proving to my boyfriend, the nerds, never cared about the popular kids in high school.

[00:19:30] My boyfriend and I, both 25, went to the same high school.

[00:19:34] My boyfriend was talking about our high school days.

[00:19:37] He thought high school me would've been thrilled to date the popular guy because I was a nerd.

[00:19:43] Mind you, we're 25 and it's 2024.

[00:19:47] I played along for a bit until I realized he wasn't joking.

[00:19:50] He literally thought that.

[00:19:52] I told him that I didn't know he existed.

[00:19:54] He was surprised and said he was a popular kid, he played football and was in the popular crowd.

[00:20:00] He said I must've been lying.

[00:20:02] I told him the nerds never cared about the popular kids in high school because we were fiercely competing amongst ourselves for college admissions.

[00:20:10] For a backstory on our town,

[00:20:12] My boyfriend was born and raised there but I moved when I was 13 along with a bunch of other high achieving kids.

[00:20:18] That's because an engineering company opened up a branch near that town and brought in a ton of engineers and their families.

[00:20:25] So it was a sleepy town with a big high school that suddenly got a ton of competitive kids.

[00:20:30] And I mean insanely competitive.

[00:20:33] Nobody had time to think about popular kids or really anything but college admissions.

[00:20:39] I was only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night regularly.

[00:20:42] Sports like football or cheerleading which required 5 days a week training at school were out of the question.

[00:20:48] And I saw the same people regularly because we were all in the same classes.

[00:20:52] So all of the drama was contained within that group of 50-100 or so students.

[00:20:57] It paid off for me, I got into a top college and had no student loans.

[00:21:01] It was literally cheaper than the state school.

[00:21:04] Despite my auto generated username, I do have a good job that I enjoy.

[00:21:08] My boyfriend said that I'm lying, I don't like being called a liar.

[00:21:12] So I literally reached out to all my high school nerd friends and yep, they didn't know the popular group and the ins and outs of the dynamic like my boyfriend thought.

[00:21:20] A few people recognized some names but like I said, we were really focused on competing with each other.

[00:21:26] He got quiet when I proved my case.

[00:21:29] He said I humiliated him and I proved my point and we should never mention high school again.

[00:21:34] I talked with his sister and she said that high school was a special experience for him and I ruined his memories.

[00:21:40] Am I the arsehole?

[00:21:43] As I said, Opie made like an update within the same post replying to some of the comments basically.

[00:21:49] But I noticed the top comment straight away and it said peaked in high school and I didn't notice this was like kind of a thing.

[00:21:55] I understand what it means obviously but...

[00:21:57] Nick says not the arsehole. I won't echo the peaked in high school thing because while it may have an echo of truth, I also think it's reductive.

[00:22:04] I think it's more important for your boyfriend to realize that the reason nerds bond together in places like high school and why weirdos slash nerds slash freaks slash geeks self-identify as such despite implied social stigma

[00:22:17] is that it's a conscious act of defiance against the notion that their self-worth is solely defined by their dominant social hierarchy.

[00:22:25] Opie says I'm going to be really honest here. It was not about defiance in any way for us.

[00:22:30] In fact, we played more heavily into a social hierarchy measured by the prestige of your college and perceived pathway.

[00:22:36] It was a very competitive and unhealthy environment.

[00:22:39] The reason I or other people didn't care about popular kids or freaks or weirdos because they weren't competitors.

[00:22:46] If my boyfriend was a student athlete who had great stats, we would have all known and cared.

[00:22:51] It's not a good thing, but it's the reality of many high-achieving students in high schools.

[00:22:55] Constant Gold says, ugh, not one of those peaked in high school kids who always want to talk about it.

[00:23:01] What does high achieving you see in him?

[00:23:03] His scenario is the basis for many cheesy movies based on high school.

[00:23:07] Opie says he's got a ton of qualities that I love.

[00:23:10] He definitely consumes too many cheesy movies, but I can't complain when he loves romance movies.

[00:23:15] Maybe more than me.

[00:23:18] TK Blaise says no one's an asshole here.

[00:23:20] I think being popular in high school gave him an ego and everyone in the circle knew him.

[00:23:24] Clearly this wasn't the case as you and others didn't.

[00:23:27] Those circles don't really mix anyway.

[00:23:29] Outside of him calling you a liar, which he should apologize for, it doesn't seem much of a big deal on either end.

[00:23:36] Opie says I don't think it's a big deal either way.

[00:23:38] I find it kind of funny that he knew who I was at least in senior year, but I didn't know who he was.

[00:23:43] Despite his perceptions.

[00:23:45] So Opie gave an update in the same post and said update this is crazy I didn't expect so many wild replies.

[00:23:52] It's already on TikTok.

[00:23:54] I know my boyfriend isn't a loser still stuck in his glory days in high school,

[00:23:58] so I talked to him and asked why he was upset at me not knowing him in high school.

[00:24:02] Well, he told me he did have a passing hallway crush on me.

[00:24:06] Mustache, eye bags, and all which was flattering to hear.

[00:24:11] He felt defensive because I felt I kind of stomped all over his daydreams of fleeting thoughts of each other.

[00:24:17] He also literally thought I was lying because he knew of me and he thought wrongly that I would know of him.

[00:24:23] I hate being called a liar which made me go on the warpath.

[00:24:27] Don't worry, I didn't tell my friends why I was asking about my boyfriend's friend group, but they'd probably figure it out.

[00:24:32] He apologized and we hugged it out.

[00:24:34] Honestly, these comments were really wild.

[00:24:37] People were salivating over my boyfriend being this apparent loser jock character.

[00:24:41] I wasn't making a statement about anything.

[00:24:43] My boyfriend and I just ran in different social groups, neither better nor worse than the other.

[00:24:48] Well, maybe mine was slightly more toxic.

[00:24:51] We had different social experiences with good and bad points.

[00:24:55] I can't believe the number of stereotypes about nerds, which I never considered myself lol, or popular kids in these comments.

[00:25:03] I was definitely not taking a social stance by not noticing the popular kids.

[00:25:07] They weren't in my radar.

[00:25:09] I missed way more days of school than my boyfriend for competitions for my clubs.

[00:25:13] As a boring person, I didn't have any drama but I witnessed a lot.

[00:25:18] There were always parties and sneaking around, but there was always this undercurrent of stress that dominated my school life.

[00:25:24] I don't regret high school and I'm grateful for the opportunities and experiences, but I don't want to go back.

[00:25:31] I'm not better or worse than my boyfriend because of my high school experience.

[00:25:35] We're all just people at the end of the day.

[00:25:38] I kind of like that update.

[00:25:40] It's not massively dramatic and OP is just saying we're all people with our backgrounds and OP says themselves they're not particularly happy about their past.

[00:25:50] They can see that in some ways it was toxic themselves.

[00:25:55] It was nice to see that they hugged it out in the end and hopefully can move past it.

[00:26:00] I personally couldn't see them breaking up over this.

[00:26:04] What do you guys make of this situation?

[00:26:08] Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

[00:26:10] Just a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories.

[00:26:15] Your love, your support, your time.

[00:26:17] Just a random off comment here.

[00:26:19] We talked a lot about grief in yesterday's video and I've had some wonderful messages come my way sharing your stories as well.

[00:26:27] I just want to personally thank you for those.

[00:26:29] It's one of the big things to come out of this channel and the more and more that it goes on is talking about my past experiences.

[00:26:36] People sharing theirs and how sharing with each other can help out in some ways which is just absolutely amazing for me.

[00:26:46] Thank you so much and I will see you in the next one.

[00:26:49] Take care and much love.

[00:27:45] For vacations to come with Quince, go to quince.com slash pack for free shipping and 365 day returns.