I Was Sarcastic With My Husband On Mothers Day After His Lack Of Effort r/Relationships

[00:00:01] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:17] Now today's first story comes from TemporaryTry737 and it says am I the arsehole here for telling my husband happy Father's Day today because it felt like I was doing it all alone today. And there is a couple of trigger warnings on this story of domestic and physical abuse. So if you do want to skip the story please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you.

[00:00:41] It starts, this morning I woke up early to order myself coffee so he could take our son to pick it up and surprise me. Then they went to the grocery store and thoughtfully picked out my favorite breakfast and came home. My husband made half of the breakfast and then asked me to make the other half. No problem. He acknowledged that he was asking me to do the work and still taking credit for the benefit of our kids experience and memories. It was no problem until he went upstairs to go to the bathroom.

[00:01:10] And after 45 minutes I walked upstairs to check on him and he was asleep in our bed. He slept the entire afternoon. Later that day I was doing the absolute mountain of dishes. My third load for the day and that's another story. And he asked me to make a grocery list. I asked if he could please make the list because I'm in the middle of doing the dishes and further tried to coax him by using Mother's Day in a playful way.

[00:01:34] I really didn't want to drop what I was doing to look in the fridge he was already standing right in front of to tell him what we needed for dinner. He knows what the ingredients are. He could easily look for himself but he insisted I help him. I was super frustrated so I took a deep breath, washed then dried my hands and then opened the fridge and started telling him what we need. He could sense my frustration and called me on it.

[00:02:00] I explained that I was really hoping he can make a list himself just this once because I was in the middle of doing the dishes. I explained that when I make a grocery list I just look at what we have and write down what we don't have. And I didn't understand why he needed my help. He started talking over me to say if I had a problem making a grocery list with him I should have just told him. I told him that I did communicate with him and he doubled down and told me that I needed to learn some patience.

[00:02:28] I smiled and said happy Father's Day because it was the nicest thing I could think to say. I completely set him off. He went off on me, refused to get ingredients to make our dinner, bought dinner for only himself and our kids and has been giving me the silent treatment for over an hour. He says I went too far. Am I the arsehole here? ETA. Wow. I did not realize I was going to wake up to so much to read.

[00:02:53] Thanks for all your feedback. I've been enjoying my self-brewed coffee this morning and taking in your responses. Have a lot to look over and think about. I know divorce is the obvious answer. Edit 2. No, divorce isn't the obvious answer for this specific incident. Edit 3. I mean the idea of divorce is not solely based on this one specific incident. Several people commented thinking everyone is jumping to divorce based on this one situation. It is more complex than this one day.

[00:03:22] No, I'm not using Reddit as a poll for whether or not to leave my marriage. Today I learned how to make Reddit paragraphs. Random. Both of our mothers are dead unfortunately. Our children are 6 and under. It is common for parents to help and facilitate the day. 6 year olds and toddlers can't be responsible for celebrating their parents. I didn't expect anything from him. I know it's just a hallmark consumerism holiday. People who have commented are correct in saying that this incident is just representative of every other day.

[00:03:52] But magnified by the fact that Mother's Day was a particularly shitty day to choose to be particularly shitty. I felt like maybe I was the arsehole for making the petty comment. I am ND and sometimes I have trouble picking up on if I did something wrong that I maybe didn't realize was wrong to say or do. I appreciate all the anecdotes of your strength and ability to move forward after leaving an exhausting marriage. It is inspiring. Edit answering your questions.

[00:04:20] Since Sunday I've not lifted a single finger for baby Sinclair. My internal nickname for him. Unless it directly impacts our kids. Every time he requests my help or to do something for him that he can do himself. I just use my absolute sweetest voice to let him know he doesn't need my help and I believe in his ability to complete the task himself. Then I smile and walk away. The third time I did this he said I was making him uneasy. I could not help but to lol.

[00:04:48] Which made him announce that he felt more uneasy. I know it wasn't kind but I calmly told him he's a pathetic human. I told him I'm sorry it has to be me but someone in his life needs to tell him to grow the fuck up. I told him I care about him and I love him but I will not tolerate being treated with disrespect even one more day. He said I'm abusive. The actual audacity. I spared the divorce conversation.

[00:05:15] For safety and because I said many times before I want to leave and financially it isn't possible right now. Side note. I tried to leave last year because he was making me feel unsafe and his behavior was erratic. I went to the emergency room in a mental breakdown and told them about the abuse which they noted in detail on my file. They asked about any plans to escape and I told them I had it covered and answered their questions about my plan. I've been planning for our escape for a year leading up to this.

[00:05:44] They told me they had to document the reported abuse in my file. I asked them to check my chart to make sure it is not tied to his account. They looked at it in front of me and said they made sure he wasn't on my emergency contacts or attached to my chart in any way. But then guess who got an email with my chart notes detailing his abuse and my exit plan before I even got home. I had to cool things down to start over with a new plan that I kept entirely to myself.

[00:06:09] At this point though he knew I had saved up money to leave so most of my savings was depleted within a couple of months. I eventually left with our kids with far less savings and it didn't take long for me to realize I could not sustain the cost of my original bills. Still in my name. And new bills in addition to legal assistance and the overall cost of starting over. Our leaving caused him to spiral and he went back to therapy. Soon after we started to dip our toes into visiting each other. Mostly because I didn't want to leave our kids with him.

[00:06:39] We stuck to outdoor public activities as a family. He's always been able to wear me down and talk me out of a divorce. And this ended up no differently. Even though I'm not an anomaly I felt ashamed and like a complete failure for going back. Surprisingly he never changed. Slash sarcasm. End of side note. Anyway back to present day. I began to grey rock to throw off his cycle of attempting to rope me back into the argument from the other day. I've calmly listened to him gush over his love for our family.

[00:07:08] How much he loves and appreciates me. And thinks I'm an amazing mum. He says he loves me but all I hear in my head is his voice screaming fucking bitch at me. It all sounds so obviously disingenuous. I told him his words mean literally nothing while his behavior is the same. It's like saying waffles have legs. It sounds unbelievable. And if I don't see it with my own eyes I'm not believing it. I told him regardless of if the end we stay together or not. We need to go back to therapy as a duo and separately.

[00:07:38] I told him he needs to take steps today to move forward with therapy and treating his mental health appropriately. He agreed but no evidence of walking waffles yet. I'm surprised at my ability to completely refuse to do anything he can do himself. I'm more surprised that he's actually doing the tasks himself. I've tried this before and he ultimately bullies me into doing the task. Not this time. He keeps complaining about his results in ways that are so juvenile and manipulative.

[00:08:06] Always leaving the impression that if I had just done it for him it would have been done correctly. I just smile and tell him he did a good job with the task. And tell him it sounds like he needs more practice and eventually it will become second nature. I'm feeling his attempts to make me miserable. But it's rolling right off of me. At least for now. I cannot express how much I appreciate the support and validation here. I appreciate the married people who have shared what their day was like on Sunday and every day as a healthy couple.

[00:08:35] For those of you who have asked why I'm taken to the internet with this in the first place. I've been isolated from my circle for so long my relationships no longer exist. I have limited family period and no family nearby. My mom is dead. My dad sucks. My siblings mostly suck. I have no friends. I work virtually and don't have friendships with my co-workers because we rarely socialize and have opportunities to bond. I don't have opportunities to interact with adults very often.

[00:09:04] Isn't that the beauty of the internet? Despite my logical brain, years of gaslighting along with my neurodivergence have made it sometimes feel impossible to trust my own judgment. If you're offended by me posting this and have taken the time to voice your disgust for me and my post, I just want to let you know I've processed your complaints and directed them to the correct department. Thank you for your feedback. So sometime later, Opie comes in with a first update and says, A lot has happened since my original post.

[00:09:32] First, since Mother's Day, he's not shown any sort of attempts for progress. Surprise. He's lost his control and repeatedly called me a fucking bitch and other awesome pet names for his minor irritations towards me. Example, I asked him if he wanted my help bringing in groceries. Apparently, he wanted to do it himself to let me relax and my offering ruined his plan so he was essentially throwing an adult version of a tantrum. I explained that it doesn't feel like a genuine gesture, especially because now I'm being yelled at for offering to help.

[00:10:01] Okay, pal. At one point I became petty. Whoops. And I told him to use I statements because that's his go-to therapy speak that he uses on me as a dog whistle during arguments and therapy appointments. He lost his shit, which then made me laugh because I literally do not understand if this is really his perception of reality. I can't take him seriously. I find myself laughing more now than ever. And it's not to mock him, I just can't control my disbelief and don't know how else to cope at this point.

[00:10:31] Second, I have realized that while I do love and care about him, it is clear that he does not respect me as a person, a mother, or as a partner. He doesn't respect our kids. I can't realistically continue living with someone who tries to control my entire life. What kind of life is that to live? I took advice from many comments left on my original post and reached out to friends and family I've been isolated from. The reception was better than I anticipated.

[00:10:57] I didn't expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage. But not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew. I didn't blame them. And it was hard to ignore the pain I felt from that. This was also a reason I never reached out to anyone when things got really bad. It seemed like they have their own lives to worry about and clearly weren't concerned about my absence.

[00:11:20] A couple of the people I reached out to were lifelong friends that I had to formally end friendships with when I started dating my husband because of his jealousy. And I never got to mourn those friendships. It felt like a piece of me that had been broken began to heal. Anyway, it was a positive step because some of my family members were relieved I opened up to them. And now I don't feel so isolated and alone. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to do that. Four, I'm not sure what my next steps are but I'm feeling more confident in my path forward.

[00:11:50] I do know that from here on out I'm doing whatever the fuck I want. Don't worry. As safely as I can. Thank you. And when OP was talking about their friendship and them sort of pulling away, I understand OP being hurt at the same time but I think I also understand the friend's perspective. Sometimes we see this from the other point of view and I think it's a bit of a painful catch-22 in the fact that you want to help them

[00:12:14] but you also don't want to risk making their situation even harder and therefore actually pushing them away. Especially if they're in a situation like that. You don't want to push them away. We often see it in these stories that, you know, just be there with the door open when they do need your help and it kind of feels like that's what happened in this situation. But Dawn Shakar says, I'm glad for you. I'd like to point out something. Some of these friends who didn't reach out to you when you withdrew may not have known how to do it or were afraid you would reject them.

[00:12:43] I'm sure they are genuinely glad that you're reaching out again. Give them a chance to be your friends. Commenter replied saying, sorry but I'm sick of people like OP pretending like they would have taken it well or even directly if friends had actually asked that. OP responded saying, I'm not pretending I would have taken it well. I even said I don't blame them. I understand from their perspective it would have been extremely tricky. I understand that I'm the one who drifted away from them. I understand.

[00:13:11] I can see a situation logically and feel pain at the same time. Edit. I think the pain I felt had nothing to do with my friends and family and everything to do with the fact that I felt like I was crazy for so long. I thought everyone thought he was a great person. My pain was partly disappointment in myself for not seeing what everyone else saw. Haunting Look says, I had a question from your last post. Did the hospital on purpose send him your file notes? Can you sue?

[00:13:39] OP said they specifically informed me he was not attached to my chart. But they did not remove him and instead he got my after visit summary sent right to his email after the visit. Which contained all of the details. And I think on the back of that, either way, that OP needs to report that when they, you know, get a chance to do so. Obviously they got a lot on their plate right now because that's insanely dangerous what happened there. But OP comes in one more time and says, That's 246 days ago.

[00:14:07] I posted asking am I the arsehole here for telling my husband happy Father's Day today because it felt like I was doing it all alone today. I knew I was in an abusive marriage, but I was stuck. I continued to be stuck into an escalator beyond return. I wanted to update to show how things can escalate. The very next month after my original post, he pushed me down backwards on the stairs. The month after that, he started threatening his life if I didn't stay with him. The month after that, he started looking into buying a gun.

[00:14:37] The month after that, he was physically extremely violent to me in front of our kids and emotionally violent towards them. Police were called multiple nights in a row. My kids and I have been staying at someone else's house since mid-November. We left with a weekend's worth of clothes each, toothbrushes and some of their favorite toys that I could quickly grab. We started completely over and it feels very weird. From my previous post, he drained the savings I had accumulated to escape with my kids.

[00:15:04] I'm in the process of finding a new job and have a GFM open as a desperate attempt at leaning on a community. As weird and as scary this process has been, I never felt safer. My kids have never been happier. Someone asked OP if they're in contact with lawyers. OP says, I've been in contact with a woman's association here that has legal counsel, but it's limited. Right now, I have a protection order that is valid for the next few months and continuing to work towards officially divorcing and an official parenting plan.

[00:15:33] ETA, thank you. OP says, How did he get access to your account? And was there no way to get it back in the divorce? Since you can prove he took everything when he was only entitled to half. OP says, I don't know about getting it back in the divorce. I would need to talk to a lawyer about that and I'm still in the process of doing that through a non-profit. OP says,

[00:16:21] OP says, We specifically talked about it during my visit and they specifically said he was no longer attached to my chart. But he ended up getting the chart notification and detailed chart notes nonetheless. Thusquake says, I'd be pushing for no visitation until he's completed a psych eval proving he isn't a danger to himself or others. Threatening suicide and looking into buying a gun. Yeah, he's either threatening suicide as a control measure which will 100% focus on weaponizing the kids

[00:16:50] or he'll take himself out. Either in front of or just after he takes them with him. That is full caps, literally psychotic behavior. OP says, I went to court four times to try for that. The judge wouldn't order him because he already said in court that he had planned to go. The last hearing was a month ago. Guess who hasn't been to therapy yet?

[00:17:14] That is absolutely a terrifying situation for OP and the kids to be in. I'm glad that they got out of there safely and I'm surprised that the judge wouldn't give no visitation, especially after the behavior he's shown so far. You know, the threats and the gun and the pushing her down the stairs. It's just escalating behavior, isn't it? But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story.

[00:17:43] And this next little story is from our own subreddit r slash mark narrations. Feel free to get involved over there from frosting necessary 991 and says, The hug I will always remember. I'm not sure this is something people will be interested in, but I was listening to some of your old podcasts with the positive shorts at the end and it reminded me of this story, so I thought I would share. I'm not someone who generally enjoys getting hugs, especially from strangers.

[00:18:12] Sometimes even getting a hug from a close family member will make me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable. However, my little brother was always an exception. I never felt uncomfortable or anxious with hugs from him, no matter how often. I can't really explain, but he always just gave the best hugs. He never held on too long or let go too early, never too tight or too loose. The Goldilocks of hugs, I guess. Several years ago, I received a phone call that I will never forget. My brother was dead.

[00:18:41] I didn't live in the same city as him and was told not to come down until the funeral several days later. And due to the circumstance of his passing, there'd be no viewing. I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. All I could think of was that I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wanted a hug from him and I knew I would never ever have one again. At some point, I had the wild urge to just leave my apartment. I couldn't be there anymore. I had to go somewhere, anywhere.

[00:19:08] As I left my apartment, I ran into my neighbor, who lived in the apartment behind mine. He was a great guy. We'd often chatted and were friendly with each other. I remember he grew the most stunning garden with sunflowers taller than me and tomatoes as big as a fist. He turned to me with a smile and in that moment, I didn't have the energy to hide my tears and smile like I normally would when outside my home. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember the way his face just fell and that he was speaking softly to me.

[00:19:36] All I could manage out was that my brother was gone. I remember him saying, ah sweetie, and wrapping me up in the biggest, warmest hug. It felt so much like my brother's hug in that moment and I could control my sobs. I felt safe and I felt my brother in that hug, like he was saying goodbye. In a way, that hug saved me and brought me a measure of closure. I never would have had otherwise. I don't know if he even remembers that hug, but for me, it was and still is a moment that I will always cherish.

[00:20:05] I still have a beautiful candle holder that my neighbor gave me on my shelf and every time I see it, I remember that hug and how much love came from someone who was barely more than a stranger. It gives me hope for others and for myself. Sometimes it is the smallest gestures of love, care and understanding that mean the most to those around us. And if you are ever reading this, dear neighbor, thank you. I am trying to think of that, the story that might have been about a hug and I don't know if it was my one or it was a story that was already on there.

[00:20:32] If it was my one, it would have been the one about my old boss. When I was going through that particular rough time, family members would just seem to be getting like ill and passing away all over the place. It was an absolutely wild time and it was one of the few times that I cried during that moment. Because I can still remember being in the office with him. It was just me and him was wrapping up sort of the end of the day and I told him what was going on a bit deeper. And he just sort of stood up and he just went, do you want a hug? And I was like, what in my head? And I was like, yes, please. That'd be nice.

[00:21:03] And it was just so unexpected from him. You know, this guy was like seven foot tall. Not what I would really say is a feelings kind of guy. But in that moment, he just showed his support and care right there. And I'm sure he doesn't realize it either. But it's a huge memory for me that is. And something that really helped carry me through a really troubling time. So, Frosting, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing your story with us. It absolutely means the world. But now, I'm going to turn this one to you guys.

[00:21:33] What do you guys make of this situation? Do you have your own hug that you will always remember? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. And just a huge thank you for being here today. Getting involved in the stories you'll love. To support your time. It always means the absolute world to me. And I'll see you in the next one. Take care. And much love.