I Want To Tell My Kids Their Mother Had An Exit Plan With Her Affair Partner Before She Passed

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[00:00:28] a cast. Hey, Hey Waffle Gang! I do hope you're well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out

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[00:00:52] guys! Now, before we do get into today's story, I do want to give you a warning that there is

[00:00:57] talk of a car accident and someone losing their life from the car accident as well. So if you

[00:01:01] do want to skip the story, please feel free to do so. Time stamps are always down in the description

[00:01:05] and along the timeline below. Thank you. And it's titled Would I Be The Asshole Here? If

[00:01:10] I told my kids, male 16, female 18, their recently deceased mother cheated on me. And

[00:01:17] it's from Constant Space 3136. The wound still a bit fresh. A month ago, my wife of 22 years tragically

[00:01:28] died in a car crash. Cynthia was one of those drivers that loved to stare into her phone and

[00:01:33] unfortunately this bad habit caught up with her in the last week of January. I was pretty

[00:01:38] devastated when the police showed up at my door and told me she had a fatal accident

[00:01:43] and I wanted to honour her somehow. At the time of the accident, I had no idea she was having an affair.

[00:01:49] The last four or five months I did notice she was pulling away and our intimacy decreased.

[00:01:54] But I thought this was just something that happened to couples after 20 years so

[00:01:58] I didn't pay much mind to it. But at least from what she told me,

[00:02:02] Cynthia started to get into writing. She was constantly on her laptop typing away at all

[00:02:08] hours. She told me she was working on a fantasy book, hopefully the first of a series.

[00:02:14] When I asked more, she said it was about a fantasy world where a super advanced human race

[00:02:19] appears and interacts with orcs and elves and magic with laser guns and high tech.

[00:02:24] It sounded very cool and Cynthia promised as soon as she had her first draft she liked

[00:02:29] she would let me read it. I decided to honour her by getting the draft of her book and

[00:02:33] hiring a writer to clean it up and publish it with a novelty press.

[00:02:37] I got on her laptop and no book, no sign at all. I opened her chrome thinking she might have written

[00:02:44] it on google drive. I saw a bunch of pinned tabs. One was a facebook messenger tab with a ton of

[00:02:50] messages with a man, John. I have no idea who John is. Never met him but they talked

[00:02:56] about meeting up, exchange photos, everything. The last message John sent her was two days

[00:03:02] before Cynthia's accident. The two saying they loved each other and him saying he was going on a

[00:03:07] business trip to Germany. The messages between Cynthia and John has shown that they met up at the house

[00:03:13] more than once. So I already had the locks changed. Not sure if John is back yet and frankly don't

[00:03:19] care if he is. I was thoroughly devastated. She did have a google drive tab but in her drive

[00:03:26] was in a book about elves vs. Vulcans but a shared document with John. The document was a plan her

[00:03:32] and John drafted on how to divorce me, turn the kids against me and take our home and as much money

[00:03:39] as possible. One thing she noted was she has been taking money, a few hundred a month and

[00:03:45] putting it in a separate account. I got the bank thing sorted out and the money in the kids

[00:03:50] college account. I've also been going to therapy twice a week now. It is hard to be mad at someone

[00:03:56] dead, especially someone everyone else in your life is grieving and praising as a wonderful

[00:04:01] wife and mother. I have asked my therapy if I should tell my kids about what Cynthia has done

[00:04:06] and what she was planning to do. My therapist cautioned me about this. He said that they

[00:04:12] just lost their mother being told this would be condemning her memory. Now I might absolutely

[00:04:17] butcher this pronunciation so bear with me here but damn Natio Memoriae. Maybe now is not the time

[00:04:24] but I think eventually would be time for my kids to know. And I think on this occasion I would agree

[00:04:30] with a therapist that maybe one day they should find out this information but absolutely not right

[00:04:37] now especially when they're going through a lot themselves with the grieving etc etc. That's

[00:04:41] already a ton to deal with. That on top you know that could send them over the edge. There is the

[00:04:47] question of you know why ever tell them about this because what is there to gain from it but

[00:04:54] part of me thinks that you know otherwise OP's gonna have to always act like she was the perfect

[00:04:59] wife when clearly she wasn't after OP found out all this information and it might be difficult

[00:05:05] to hide those feelings so one day the information might have to come out. I struggle for what's

[00:05:11] the best in this situation so let's head down to the comments to see what they say.

[00:05:15] Distinct Armadillo says now is definitely not the time to burden them with that.

[00:05:20] Outrageous Guava says I agree as someone who lost a parent when I was growing up

[00:05:25] I could not handle information like that at the time. I know every kid is different so

[00:05:30] you know yours the best but personally I think it'd be easier to wait until they're

[00:05:34] independent adults not just legal adults because I do not consider myself to be functioning

[00:05:39] as an adult at 18 and can process everything without taking a toll on their mental health

[00:05:44] during a time of grief. I totally agree with that I still wonder if I'm a functioning adult now

[00:05:50] but Rexmaster says yeah like waiting until they are steady in their careers. I read something a

[00:05:55] long time ago when one parent told the kids when one just finished high school and the other

[00:06:00] was in college it broke them. The college student dropped out and I can't even remember what

[00:06:05] happened to the 18 year old. Maybe only tell them if they're experiencing something similar in their

[00:06:10] lives so they can see that you understand what they are going through honestly there is no need

[00:06:15] to tell them. Zookeeper Game Alert says my kids were grown and still had daddy on a pedestal.

[00:06:21] I told them eventually that he might have been a good dad but he wasn't a good husband.

[00:06:26] They got it they were four and five when he died and 20 something when I said that

[00:06:31] they quit comparing their stepdad so harshly. Symbolic Shambolic replies that saying this is

[00:06:36] literally all you need to say that you mourn him differently because he was different with you

[00:06:41] than he was with them. My mum has told me some things about my late father recently

[00:06:45] it's hard to take plus there's nothing to be done about it now. It just makes me feel

[00:06:50] bad that I didn't know what was going on at the time even though I was a kid. She was the

[00:06:54] adult who chose to not take action. Aja says I will absolutely take some things to my grave

[00:07:01] unless my daughter finds a way to get it out of me on my deathbed. I can tell they really don't want

[00:07:06] to know all of it no one knows all of it. I don't need to know all of it. Adult should not

[00:07:11] be telling children everything that goes on in adult relationships or stop but later it's a coin

[00:07:18] toss whether to tell children about such things. I don't think it's helpful unless for a very

[00:07:22] good reason for example my ex is bipolar that's the most genetically determined of the major mental

[00:07:28] illnesses and some of its history is relevant although the children have now passed the point

[00:07:33] where bipolar makes his appearance so it's a bit easier to discuss. And the comments pretty much

[00:07:39] continued along that path some people saying you know they would never tell their children that no

[00:07:44] matter what some people saying you know later in life is acceptable for this kind of information

[00:07:50] but definitely not his children. Five days later OP updates their posts and says some things have

[00:07:56] happened since the last time to answer some questions I've gone to the bank and got control of Cynthia's

[00:08:02] account and transferred the money into a savings account for the kids also my kids already suspected

[00:08:08] Tuesday night my eldest Michelle said her and my son Jason had something to say to me

[00:08:13] they sent me down in the living room and Michelle said we think mum was cheating on you

[00:08:18] they both said they weren't sure but it was eating them up seeing me in extreme grief the

[00:08:22] past month and they thought I should hear what they suspect they brought up how Cynthia was always away

[00:08:28] and when she was at home she would say strange observations about me stuff like isn't it weird

[00:08:34] that your dad's working late this week this is one of those seeds Cynthia mentioned in a document

[00:08:39] that she wanted to plant in the kids Michelle said her suspicions went high the week before

[00:08:44] the accident when she got home from school and saw a strange jacket on the coat hook by the front door

[00:08:49] there wasn't any jacket Jason or I had so she was very suspicious about it I told both my kids

[00:08:56] that I didn't tell them but I found evidence on their mum's computer and I was looking for the

[00:09:00] book she said she was writing Michelle wanted to see the evidence but Jason said he doesn't

[00:09:05] want to think or talk about mum for a while I shared the info with Michelle after she insisted

[00:09:11] she already suspected her mum and was ready for it it feels good to now have someone close that can

[00:09:17] talk with me about this beyond my therapist yesterday afternoon I was home alone when I heard someone

[00:09:22] jiggling the back door knob I went to the door and saw a man I never saw before trying to use the

[00:09:27] key on the lock I told him to step back from the door and he almost jumped I opened the door

[00:09:32] a crack and asked him who he was and what he was doing in my backyard it was John Cynthia's

[00:09:38] affair partner he told me that he worked with my wife and he just got back from a trip and saw

[00:09:44] Cynthia died on social media and him and Cynthia was starting a business get a business bank account

[00:09:50] with his investment money in the business and he was wondering if I could help him get the

[00:09:54] business funds transferred over I looked him straight in the eye and said I was at the

[00:09:59] bank and Cynthia didn't have an extra business account and I had no idea what he was talking

[00:10:04] about John also said that he wanted to check my wife's things for any sensitive business documents

[00:10:09] I said he was a stranger and wasn't welcome in my home especially since he tried to enter without

[00:10:14] permission John looked defeated but he'd suggest he would consult with a lawyer about his

[00:10:20] sensitive business documents and business funds and the top comments after that no

[00:10:25] investigator said John had a key to your home Caroline and mama says and he knew Cynthia

[00:10:30] was dead and still tried to end like he had rights to it hope he needs to consult their own lawyer

[00:10:35] and get the lock change catastrophe says he wanted the money and to get rid of all the proof where

[00:10:40] the money came from hope he needs to secure all those things he found in case this guy will

[00:10:44] try to go to court with his story virtual choir boy says honestly you might want to start calling

[00:10:49] lawyers and get a consultation with both family law and civil litigation attorneys on the

[00:10:54] off chance John actually pursues something further but also start taking the time to go

[00:10:59] everything of hers along with changing the passwords to all our online accounts

[00:11:03] and when changing the passwords don't forget to change the security questions as well as

[00:11:08] any phone numbers and emails attached to the accounts and I think all the advice is just

[00:11:13] there you know talking to lawyers changing your locks all that kind of stuff imagine this dude

[00:11:18] trying to unlock the back door to get in crazy ass behavior but what do you guys make of

[00:11:25] this situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story

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[00:12:35] today and our next story comes from plastic t2094 from the mi the arsehole subreddit and says

[00:12:44] am i the arsehole for bringing my toddler on a group trip even though it made my friend upset

[00:12:50] me 29 male and my wife angie 27 female have a son sam turn 2 this week we're part of a friend group

[00:12:59] made up of seven people including us there is one more couple in this group the other three are zoe

[00:13:05] 32 female greg 41 male and tim 30 male no marks zoe doesn't like kids she openly avoids them

[00:13:16] whenever she can i've always known about this and have no problem with it there have however

[00:13:21] been occasions in which she seemed to take it a bit too far her friend group lives all over the

[00:13:27] country now and most of us only get together once or twice a year this january we all decided to

[00:13:32] take a five-day trip to greg's beach house it's in a different state and a two hour flight away

[00:13:39] both greg and tim have children greg made sure to invite us over while his kid would be with

[00:13:44] his ex but tim is a single father and couldn't afford to leave his daughter with a babysitter for

[00:13:49] five days due to that it was decided that both tim's daughter and sam were welcome on the trip

[00:13:55] angie and i offered to leave sam with my mother-in-law but the whole group including zoe

[00:14:00] said it was fine all of these decisions were made two months in advance two days prior to the

[00:14:06] trip tim informed us that his daughter had chicken pox and he had to cancel their tickets

[00:14:11] to stay with her at that zoe called andi and said yes your mom will have a busy week my mother-in-law

[00:14:18] was traveling and wouldn't be back for another week we had no other babysitting options available

[00:14:24] all time to find one so we told zoe that we're still bringing sam with us zoe protested saying

[00:14:30] that she was only okay with having kids around during the trip because she knew tim had no

[00:14:35] choice and we had no excuse to bring sam now now that tim's daughter wasn't coming anymore

[00:14:41] but we held our ground the others took our side during the trip angie and i made efforts to help

[00:14:47] zoe avoid sam as much as possible this ended up making our own trip underwhelming as we're spending

[00:14:54] a lot of time apart and didn't get to see our friends as much as we wanted to but it worked

[00:14:59] zoe and sam were in the same room a total of four times including both our arrival and the

[00:15:04] patch from greg's house in spite of that she insisted that we ruined her trip by bringing him

[00:15:10] and that it was selfish of us to not consider her feelings about children after tim dropped out

[00:15:16] zoe hasn't spoken to us since we flew back home this week she unfollowed angie on instagram

[00:15:22] 10 minutes after she made a post for sam's second birthday so i think she's still bitter

[00:15:27] angie has been feeling guilty about this i tried to reassure her that we had no other option and

[00:15:32] it was unreasonable of zoe to ask us to change our plans at the last minute like that but i'd be

[00:15:37] lying if i said i didn't consider we might be in the wrong and i the arsehole absolutely not the

[00:15:45] arsehole in this situation and that's just some wild ass behavior from zoe you know she

[00:15:50] can not like kids that's totally up to her i know people that you know don't like being

[00:15:54] around kids but you had no choice in this matter and it's a weird thing for her so you know and she

[00:15:59] accepted all of this initially because now tim isn't bringing his kid she sort of gets she gets

[00:16:04] all weird about it and says that you can't bring yours two days before the trip and simply you

[00:16:10] didn't have enough time to find an alternative babysitter absolutely not the arsehole it's just

[00:16:16] strange logic in my opinion but euthanasia says you know what sometimes you can't just

[00:16:22] change plans at the last minute like pulling a trusted babysitter out of your butt when you were

[00:16:26] led to believe till two days before that you wouldn't even need one at all sucks for zoe that she doesn't

[00:16:32] like kids i didn't like kids either op but you can't just stick your kid in a room at home with

[00:16:37] a litter box and an automatic feeding system you have to bring your kid with you as was the plan

[00:16:42] all along sucks for zoe not the arsehole op edit to add my husband had a take on this

[00:16:49] zoe might have been accommodating for tim and his daughter because zoe might have a little thing for

[00:16:53] tim oh interesting and since tim dropped out why would she want to put up with your kid cluttering

[00:16:59] up the beach house op says trusted is a key word here we have the numbers of babysitters we trust

[00:17:07] but we never left sam with them for more than a few hours the only person we trust to take care

[00:17:12] of him for that long is my mother-in-law my mom lives in a different state father-in-law has

[00:17:17] never spent more than four hours alone with a toddler and my father is no longer with us

[00:17:23] nanny augs niggas says and to be fair a huge number of parents would feel exactly the same way you can

[00:17:29] leave your kid with a friend for a few hours but the days you're definitely looking at family

[00:17:33] the vast majority and if some don't have healthy families and their friends are much better suited

[00:17:39] ours in cardinal says so not the arsehole zoe is wildly the arsehole here it's a strange

[00:17:46] double standard for her to be understanding that tim had no choice but not be willing to extend the

[00:17:50] same courtesy to you when tim's plans had to change from what you described you also had no choice at

[00:17:56] that point what did she expect you to predict with your magic ball that you should have your

[00:18:01] mother-in-law on backup duty just in case tim's plans fell through it's so bogus and as you

[00:18:07] said this was all decided months ago zoe is strangely entitled to think that she should

[00:18:12] be able to call the shots in a group like that if she decided on having a kid around wasn't her

[00:18:17] cup of tea she should have skipped the trip she seems to have some really negative and callous

[00:18:22] feelings towards you and maybe you're better off moving on from her as a friend hope he says to zoe

[00:18:28] tim's reason of my kid is sick is better than ours we can't find a babysitter in two days

[00:18:33] which seems fair but it doesn't change the fact that we couldn't it's not fair at all you

[00:18:39] have a legitimate reason why you can't find childcare in this short space amount of time

[00:18:46] and i don't care what it is zoe's coming up with some bullshit excuses it feels like there's more

[00:18:50] going on with zoe towards op here or maybe that last comment said towards tim maybe cheeky

[00:18:58] hours and cardinals replies to op sent i'm more referring to the fact that zoe was accepting

[00:19:03] of this plan back when it was tim who didn't have a good option to leave the kid at home

[00:19:07] during the trip and the double standard apply to you that when you also did not have a good

[00:19:12] option to leave your kid at home zoe freaked out op says i get what you're saying but i think she

[00:19:17] had react the same if the roles were reversed asprelev says why is zoe still in this friend group

[00:19:23] i mean what makes her so valuable that she can dictate people's lives and vacations

[00:19:27] based on a dislike for children she sounds miserable and hateful and i can't understand

[00:19:32] what anyone would think this is okay not the arsehole so around half a month later op came in

[00:19:39] with an update and said hey again i went through your comments on my previous post as well as your

[00:19:43] replies to my own comments and managed to come to terms with the fact that angie and i can no

[00:19:47] longer be friends with zoe many of you asked why we're still friends in the first place

[00:19:52] most of the friend group has known each other since college since the different ages

[00:19:57] i'm actually an outsider i became friends with him through my wife i know zoe well but

[00:20:03] she was definitely closer to angie than to me i don't think reddit is the best place to describe an

[00:20:08] almost decade-long friendship in proper detail but i will say zoe was usually a nice and generous

[00:20:14] friend but she started getting more and more rude as we started having kids she basically ignored

[00:20:20] my wife during her pregnancy and made several demeaning comments after sam was born angie

[00:20:26] only forgave her because she apologized half heartedly if you ask me the other couple in the

[00:20:31] friend group has been trying to conceive for a few months and she frequently jokes that they need to

[00:20:36] enjoy life what they can she's nicer to tim because he's a single father but

[00:20:41] she very clearly doesn't like his daughter so i think everyone myself included is much more fond

[00:20:47] of college zoe and it was only because of that fondness that we still hung out the more

[00:20:53] i read your comments the more it became clear the group has outgrown that friendship looking back

[00:20:57] i feel awful about my efforts to keep sam and zoe apart my son is not toxic and i shouldn't have

[00:21:03] treated him as such if zoe can't respect sam and treat him like a human being i have no obligation

[00:21:08] to put up with her i spoke to angie she said that zoe has always been a shoulder to cry on

[00:21:14] but often also the reason she was crying in the first place she told me it had been hard

[00:21:19] to accept that zoe's behavior during the trip was the last straw we agreed to end our friendship with

[00:21:25] her we both take zoe that we wished her well but as best we go our separate ways she responded by

[00:21:31] calling my wife the c word and was blocked we later found out she complained to the rest of the

[00:21:36] group plus some other mutuals that would become selfish entitled parents that let our kid ruin

[00:21:43] a vacation before cutting her off those who know that's not true have told us that thinking

[00:21:48] about ending their friendships with her as well both greg and tim already have i don't think i

[00:21:53] have anything else to add i do my best to use this experience to become a better father husband and

[00:21:59] friend my family is everything to me and i'll never lose sight of that thank you all and a

[00:22:06] couple of top comments from this one so twins islander says thank you for the update i'm very

[00:22:10] happy for you i think you're a great dad because you take the time to reflect on your

[00:22:14] actions and how you can improve parents are human beings so not perfect the willingness to

[00:22:19] acknowledge your limitations and errors and to learn from this in my book what make a good apart

[00:22:24] from the obvious love and care as this way you can teach your child life lessons i wish you

[00:22:30] all the happiness in the world obi says thank you for this i'm so angry at myself for keeping

[00:22:35] sam away from her the way i did i'm ready to use this situation to improve and so over

[00:22:40] fair he says i'm a child-free woman and i don't understand people like zoe at all now i'm a big

[00:22:46] fan of kids you know i i love seeing him like just having fun being joyful it makes me happy

[00:22:53] gives me that serotonin boost if you're like especially my like nieces and nephews having

[00:22:57] a good time laughing away it's just absolutely amazing but i do understand people that don't

[00:23:03] want to be around kids don't want the noise levels the the chaos sometimes you know i

[00:23:09] totally get that but it just feels like in this situation zoe actively hates kids

[00:23:16] and wants to push this onto everybody else and i think sometimes you have to accept that

[00:23:22] you've outgrown relationships and i think this is just one of those cases but zoe's reaction when

[00:23:29] you know they said that they this best they go their separate ways and she just

[00:23:32] came up with a c word just basically said it all for me but what do you guys make of this

[00:23:37] situation let me know your thoughts down in the comments below have you ever found yourself

[00:23:44] out growing a relationship like that with a friend let us know your thoughts now just a huge thank you

[00:23:50] from the bottom of my heart for getting involved in today's stories your love your support your

[00:23:54] time not just towards me but towards the op's towards the stories towards one another down

[00:24:00] in the comments as well i will see you guys support in one another and i think it's absolutely

[00:24:04] amazing you know the community that you guys have created so thank you so much please keep

[00:24:09] being wonderful like you are and hopefully i'll see you in the next one take care and much love