I Want My Fiancee To Prioritize My Families Vacations Over Her Best Friends Trip r/Relationship

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[00:00:26] Hey Waffle Gang, I do hope you are well. My name is Mark and today we're checking out some more Reddit Stories. And if you do love a Reddit Story, why not consider hitting that like, subscribe, maybe that notification bell too. And let's crack on with today's first story. Much love guys.

[00:00:49] Now today's first story comes from ibingubing from the mi the arsehole subreddit and says mi the arsehole here for wanting my fiancee to prioritize my family's vacation over a best friends trip.

[00:01:01] My fiancee, let's call her Sally, and are getting married next month. Since we've been together, we've had fights about how to prioritize family time. We live on the same coast as her family and my family lives on the opposite coast. So through no fault of hers, we see her family significantly more.

[00:01:18] My sister recently was diagnosed with MS, multiple sclerosis. It sucked. So far, she has light symptoms but is a disease that can progress quickly or cannot.

[00:01:31] My family has adopted a very, let's make every moment count mentality because we don't know how many years we have with my sister in good health.

[00:01:39] My brother reached out to me to say they're planning a trip on the week that both his kids and my sister's kids have spring break. This would be a week-long trip. It has a fixed date because of the kids' schedule.

[00:01:53] When I told Sally, she mentioned that her best friend had reached out to start planning a girl's trip. Sally lives a several hours drive trip from that group of girls and almost always misses the girl's trip.

[00:02:04] A friend let her know that she's reaching out early to make sure that Sally can go. She told me she just wants to get ahead of this and doesn't want to let her friend down.

[00:02:14] I don't know when it will be, but it may be the same date as my family's trip. No one in that group, including us, have kids, so we have much more flexibility.

[00:02:25] I'll be honest that I got frustrated very quickly and was not very comforting or understanding.

[00:02:29] I tried to resist bringing up my sister having MS, but eventually I did and said that's why we're pushing so hard to take advantage of these years.

[00:02:38] Sally responded that we don't know that things will be bad and we need to stay positive.

[00:02:43] That rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like she's missing how awful we would feel if the MS did progress quickly.

[00:02:51] Sally told me that I'm being manipulative and controlling for pressuring her to plan her friend's trip around my family's trip.

[00:02:57] I believe it's fair to expect your spouse to show up for things like that and to prioritize family, especially family you don't see over friends, particularly with the illness situation.

[00:03:08] Here's where I could be the arsehole.

[00:03:11] I definitely reacted poorly when she treated the trips as two equally important things.

[00:03:16] I absolutely pressured her to agree to go on the family trip.

[00:03:18] I also brought up previous fights, like about beginning to split Christmases, to point out that she'd been resistant to sacrificing time with her people to get an equal amount of time with my people.

[00:03:30] Also, I'm sure some folks are wondering why I don't go alone.

[00:03:33] My family adores Sally and want her to be a part of the family.

[00:03:37] I want her to be a part of my family just like I want to be a part of her family.

[00:03:41] It's not realistic that we do every single thing together, but I think we should just make a significant effort too.

[00:03:48] I don't know.

[00:03:48] I felt like I was missing something there.

[00:03:50] Maybe I have.

[00:03:51] Maybe you'll let me know.

[00:03:52] But like in the third or fourth paragraph, it said that she wants to get ahead of this and they don't want to let a friend down, but they don't know when the trip would be.

[00:04:01] It may be the same date as the family's trip.

[00:04:03] So if she wants to get ahead of it, why don't she just say to her friends, look, we've got a very important family trip around that date as well.

[00:04:09] Is there a way that we can accommodate both trips here?

[00:04:12] You know, if a friend told me that, a friend came up to me and said they got an important family trip that they really need to go to for whatever reason, you know, I'll do my best to accommodate them.

[00:04:22] But someone said to OP, info, does Sally adore your family?

[00:04:26] Is she especially close to your sister?

[00:04:29] And is there a time limit to your expectation that she prioritized your family over any other considerations?

[00:04:35] OP says I'm not going to respond to a ton of comments, but saw this sentiment a lot.

[00:04:39] And just want to clarify that Sally very much has a relationship with my family, particularly my parents and my sister, and has shown throughout our relationship that she cares about them.

[00:04:48] It's not a case where she doesn't feel close with them slash enjoy them.

[00:04:52] A commenter says to OP, you're the asshole, you're making way too much of the vacation with your sister.

[00:04:57] She's only just been diagnosed.

[00:05:00] She's not going to become seriously handicapped right away.

[00:05:03] With care, MS patients can live a long time.

[00:05:06] You and your fiance are marrying soon and perhaps her friends want to have a nice last trip beforehand.

[00:05:13] OP says I want to clarify that she just got back from a bachelorette party with the girl who invited her on this trip two weeks ago.

[00:05:21] She sees her friends a few times a year, more than I see my friends from back home.

[00:05:26] This isn't a case where she's been years without seeing her friends.

[00:05:29] A friend plans a trip with a group of girls that Sally isn't really a part of every year.

[00:05:34] She's close with some, not close with others.

[00:05:37] And Sally hasn't gone since we've been dating.

[00:05:39] I'm highly encouraging of her spending time with her friends in every other situation.

[00:05:44] A commenter says, why hasn't Sally attended this trip in seven years?

[00:05:48] Her friends are so excited for her to attend that they gave her a seven-month heads up.

[00:05:53] What was your proposal on splitting holidays?

[00:05:55] Do you mean alternating or something else?

[00:05:57] Does your family also visit you?

[00:06:00] OP says the friend inviting her is her closest friend.

[00:06:04] Another one of her close friends goes on the trip.

[00:06:06] The other four people are people who she is not close with.

[00:06:09] To the extent where I told her to invite them to the wedding and she said it would be weird to invite them.

[00:06:14] I don't know why she hasn't attended.

[00:06:16] To my knowledge, this is the first time that her best friend made it a point that she really wanted Sally to come.

[00:06:22] It's totally possible that she's been asked to go before and I just wasn't aware.

[00:06:26] For holidays, I mean alternative Christmas.

[00:06:28] I will point out that we don't see my family for Thanksgiving the years we do Christmas with her family.

[00:06:34] But we do see her family for Thanksgiving on the years we do Christmas with my family.

[00:06:38] A commenter says, has she tried to stop you from seeing your family and friends?

[00:06:42] I think the difference is you expect her to go on these trips with you and she doesn't have that same requirement.

[00:06:48] If she is stopping you from seeing your friends and family then that is a problem.

[00:06:52] If you aren't going to see them because she isn't traveling with you then that is a you problem.

[00:06:58] OP says that's absolutely a fair way to look at it.

[00:07:00] She's not stopping me from going.

[00:07:02] She's just not committing to going herself.

[00:07:04] On the flip side there have been times where the roles were reversed and she expected me to go.

[00:07:10] Without getting into too much of the details.

[00:07:12] I will likely be jobless come December.

[00:07:15] Luckily I have several years of savings and mentioned to her that I may skip Christmas with her family to study and prep for interviewing.

[00:07:21] She told me that's upsetting to her and it's not a good look.

[00:07:24] So I immediately told her that's fine.

[00:07:27] I'll understand and I'll go.

[00:07:28] So I guess my point is it's fine if a couple thinks that they shouldn't have to do everything together.

[00:07:33] It's also fine if a couple expects their partner to go with them to things.

[00:07:37] I think both partners should attempt to hold themselves to the same standard that they hold their partner to.

[00:07:43] And one more commenter says does your family also visit you?

[00:07:47] OP says my parents do once a year.

[00:07:49] My brother and sister do not.

[00:07:51] My sister's finances are very tough so it's just not possible for her.

[00:07:55] Our finances are a lot more flexible.

[00:07:58] So OP came in sometime later to update the post and says thank you all for your advice.

[00:08:03] When I left the original post I was not in a great headspace.

[00:08:07] I also tried to keep it concise so there's plenty of context missed.

[00:08:11] This will be the last I update or respond and I'll break the update into additional context and the resolution.

[00:08:18] Additional context.

[00:08:19] One, Sally adores my family as well.

[00:08:22] She's always told me how much they mean to her and has even floated the idea of potentially moving to my home state

[00:08:28] and how we would be able to see my parents and my sister more.

[00:08:31] We haven't made any decisions and leaving her home state would be very difficult for her.

[00:08:36] It's impossible to summarize everything she's done to show she cares about my family over the last seven years.

[00:08:41] But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she does.

[00:08:45] Two, she's never gone on this trip she's invited to because she is not close with the majority of the group of people on the trip.

[00:08:51] Her best friend reached out to her early because she really wants Sally to become closer with this friend group.

[00:08:57] Three, the scenario that led us to knowing about my sister's diagnosis was crappy.

[00:09:02] We found out by my mom accidentally telling me that my sister was getting tests done.

[00:09:06] We were sworn to secrecy because my sister was adamant that she didn't want to distract us from the wedding until she had the final diagnosis.

[00:09:13] It was an honest mistake from my mom but it has been an emotionally charged situation from both Sally and me.

[00:09:19] We're both grieving.

[00:09:20] Four, for a variety of reasons we've been completely overwhelmed by this wedding.

[00:09:25] There's been a lot of drama coming from outside sources and it's been exhausting to the point where we wish we'd just eloped.

[00:09:31] No, it's not my family.

[00:09:33] Five, Sally has unlimited PTO and we have enough funds to do both trips.

[00:09:38] Six, I don't know everything about MS.

[00:09:40] My understanding is that it's absolutely possible it has minimal impact on my sister for the next few decades.

[00:09:46] But it could also be a debilitating situation.

[00:09:49] Seven, my family were all together without me in Italy two weekends ago.

[00:09:54] We'll all be together over the wedding in a few weeks.

[00:09:57] The trip will not be a loaded heavy saying goodbye trip at all.

[00:10:00] It's just something we want to prioritize because the future is uncertain.

[00:10:04] The resolution.

[00:10:06] We had a great conversation about it this morning.

[00:10:08] We acknowledge that we're both overwhelmed with this diagnosis and we're both overwhelmed with wedding planning to the point where it's really difficult to wrap our heads around what comes next.

[00:10:17] We came into that conversation in an unhealthy headspace and both said things that weren't ideal.

[00:10:23] She wants to go on the trip.

[00:10:24] She's been feeling protective about committing to things in the next year because of how underwater she is with the wedding.

[00:10:30] But on reflection, realized how important this is to her.

[00:10:33] Sally also let me know that she's still adjusting to having family that has kids and how inflexible their schedules are.

[00:10:39] Her siblings don't have kids so their vacations are a lot more flexible.

[00:10:43] We're going to sit down when we're less overwhelmed and talk about what our goal is for, how often we see each side of the family are, how we can make that happen and how we'll handle situations like that in the future.

[00:10:54] Thanks everyone.

[00:10:56] Opie adds more information on how they found out.

[00:10:59] Opie says,

[00:11:49] Opie says,

[00:11:51] Opie says,

[00:12:21] Opie says,

[00:12:52] And let's move on to another story.

[00:12:55] Now our next story comes from the amirong subreddit from nicead8511 and says,

[00:16:30] So,

[00:17:01] I would never forgive her.

[00:17:03] She began screaming about,

[00:17:04] She was in my child's fucking bedroom.

[00:17:07] She had no right.

[00:17:08] She had no right.

[00:17:08] Blah, blah, blah.

[00:17:09] I am done.

[00:17:11] We got our shit and went to a motel.

[00:17:42] Honestly,

[00:17:44] And let's go.

[00:17:59] She had no right.

[00:19:37] She had no right.

[00:19:44] She had no right.

[00:20:01] Shameless plug there.

[00:20:03] Thank you so much.

[00:20:04] And I will see you in the next one.

[00:20:06] Take care and much love.